Sound of music...!

the after of that one moment was beyond words......

like you completely lost sense of where you were with your mom anybody around or not.....

and just had  to live that feeeeeling covering your face away......

and this magic of music.....

still trying to make sense of that confusion if you did see him for real where did he disappear again.....

to that one feeeeeeeeel of he was that close to that feeeeeeeeeeeel of aishaaaaaaaaaaaaa you saw him for real after all these years !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you actually saw him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and this song plays on the radio as it starts to rain more......

ae mere humsafar ek zara intezar...

of all the songs on this planet on the radio and anywhere possible it had to be this one song in that very moment....

makes all that what you were feeling that much more beautifully worse.......

aur kittaaaa intezar wali feeeeling !!!!!!!!!!

this smthing bout rains when you are having a moment of your own to just see it rain with that one vsiual of his playing on loop and that one thing make your wishes wisely ...... wish wisely like watch what you wish for !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this one wish for years now almost a decade to live when it rains or to just see him doorse and that swhat exactly happened today.....

two wishes in one moment you just got to see him doorse and as it rained !!!!!!!!!!!

donnoooooooo what how why like last few days with that much strong miseeeeing and then the dream and this moment today !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings are beyooooooooooooooooooooooond words !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS is how his presence used to feeel matter like loved like missed like is what keeps amazing you everytime you relive that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of living him for even a sec........

THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pull, gravity!!

on the fone reading smthing like you dont even remember what exctly you were doing in that moment was the kinda impact that one visual of him left you with !!!!!!!!!!!!

still looking at ur fone and that sudden pull in you and then the sound hits you and brings you closer to the window like literally get closest to the window just so you could get a closer view and be sure its him......

and that one sec face turns you see the eyes ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the eeys twinkle as the sun gets a lil brighter after the rains and wit it still drizzling the eyes twinkle looking through the rear view bike ke side and you live that moment like that moment that face  turning was just for you the daaaaaaaadi the hands to jst live him after all these years even writing it now.......

nai maloom rehta actually mein charlie until and unless you live them for real like you know reasoning your own madness away achaaaaa  this is why all this misseeeeeeeing madness thsi is why all this mad crazy love for him.......  even in his abssence......

to jsut live him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one complete LIFE wali feeeeeeling......

aisaaaaaaaaa kaiseeeeeeee uneeeeeeeeeeee meriii poooori ki pooooooori khhushi jaaan ban gayaaaaaa charlie kaiseeeeee aiseeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

liek even that slightest of him today for a sec bhi and this feeeeeeeeeeelig it left you with !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why its always been him had to be him will be him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to see hardrock pasing by and still looking fo rhim and that lostness when you couldnt find him seraching your best possible and finally when you couldnt it breaks you !!!!!!!!!

that one moment closest he was like window neeche karleti uskuu touch pakad leti that close !!!!!!!!

but uneee waise bhiii chala jaaata thaa !!!!!!!!!!

this THIS feeeeeeeeeeeeling again !!!!!!!!!!!!!

like it took you hours today to stop feeeling that low feeeling that one feeeeling that you are again feeeeling now reliving that one moment......

moments memories reliving the presence dreaming his presence nothing i swear nothing NOTHING comes even close to what and how his presence feels for real.......

its like you see him standing there be it then in the meet in the same room few steps away standing and looking at you with tha one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful wait in him with that smileeeeeee knowing you were living his details before melting away into and with him.....

like you just stand there he does the same and just lives your presence away and that one feeeeeeeling everytime you lived him that way you are here like all of you here living breathing standing and yet your LIFE your complete standing a few steps away from you breathing living.......

its that line of smthing that you live how that one presence of someone and nothing no one could possibly match come close or even feel the same......

what and how you feel in that very moment !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today that neeed to jsu get off the car and run away to somewhere and just be.......

trying to get over that realization of him being that close to you and then disappeared !!!!!!!!!!

Presence part lost count on!

it was that feeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

like that search to find him again cause the way and what you were feeeling after that moment like how could you miss out on knowing it was him.....

his hand his shoulder his way of sitting the way he moves his head and you could see that same straight strict face of his when out his daaaaaadi like you saw him that clear that close like that clsoest to you and then suddenly he disappeared in the rush.....

like it makes you question if that moment did happen for real ittaa ki you even ask the driver if the dirver too saw a bike passing by and looing around the dirver saying which bike cause there were all bikes around.....

and you mention an enfield and again that question which one.... cause there was no trace of any enfield aorund.....

that one strong feeeeeeeeeeeeling knowing his love for bike rides when it rains mostly back then when he did mention bout during ganesh visarjan it rains and then he loved going on bike rides.....

and it was drizziling then the location was that beauuuuuuuuutifully perfect that close to hardrock there was him in that same shirt of his like how could you not knowwwwwwwwww not feeeeeeeeeeeel it was him for real bolke.......

cause the after impact of that one moment was same as you used to feeeel like back then......

then if it was where did it disappear that one feeeeeeeeeling as you keep looking for him with every blink of an eye literally covering your face away just so if you finally see him he shouldnt know its you bolke.... and you get to see him doorse !!!!!!!!!

but just like that moment when you wake up and he is gone that same feeeeeeeeeeling today like you coldnt seee any trace of his bike.......

and finally the impact when you couldn find him anywhere with that one feeeeeeeeeel he was THAT close to you.......

you forget your mom beside you or the driver or where you are at and everything and that one final breakdown just realizing reliving that moment of his closeness of his presence for real after all these years.....

smthings you just canttttttt write out in words.....

just cant !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The presence part 3!!

kabi soche tho lagta maloom hai maybe sab pagalpan lagta merku charlie i swear !!!!!

like there are moments like these be it for real or in the dreams and thenw hen you take the dreams to be real too smtimes the way it strangely makes you wonder if youve actually lost it for real.....

cause this time be it meeting him for real or being in touch or out of touch actually has been the longest ever for the first time.....

like seeing him after bup was still much early than it has been now....

like its like this is what reality is like him wanting to be away and off you to keep you off him...

then there are these moments you live be it the waking state or with eyes shut and like this is the otehr side of the story.....

and why would some sane someone would prefer the eyes shut reality to be more real than the actual one......

clear case of denial is what it feel slike.....

and right in the middle of logics like these there was this moment today.....

that sort of took your madness sure of you being mad to another level only.....

when the stylist msgs you the details of the size and outfit and you were texting her back or reading the details or smthing.... and this sound with just one ear plugged in with his music and the other ignoring the most of what your mom was talking cause today you just wnated to be on your own like in that zone of mind where you just wanted to be...... and yet be working cause off it you woud have totally lost it with those replays of his voice echoing....

it was drzzling with just rained sometime back....

it was a beautiful slow drizzle and in the jam just a turn away from hard rock and that one sound of the bike that tad tad tad enfield sound.....

and it makes you look on the side fataaak se cause thats what happens everytime you hear that sound of the bike hoping wishing its him and that same shirt that he wore in that pic of his in that bike of his that you saw years back on his insta......

that same pink checkered shirt and that same rush through you like your hearbeat the way that presence the same shirt the bike the way he was sitting and you first look at his hands and that confirmation it was his hand and that one sec or smthing and he turns to your side of the window not completely but almost trying to look at the rear view of his bike or smthing and you finally see him the daaaaaaaaaaadi the same strict straight face with his rayban on and then before you even like try to consume or absorb that realization of him being that close to like you pull the window down and you could hold his hand away that close and that very sec the traffic clears and fataaak se in a blink he disappears away from the jam..... ask the driver to speed up immediately like maintain a distance from the other car but to just move fast just so you could see him again......

put the window down try to find him look for him almost sticking your head out with it still being jammy around......

and you jsut couldnt see any trace of his bike nowhere not even a sign of it door......

and you shut yoru eyes and try to relive that visual that you just saw trying to make sense if you did see him for real or like always in the dreams it was your mind aagin.....

but the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay all of you sort of transformed after that moment it felt the same just like his presence used to......

like today you looked through the deepest corners of every street till your way back home like that one search of constantly looking around covering your face away like just in case if you get any closer to the bike he wouldnt know its you trying to look at him wala search.......

what today was it was smthing you lived felt after years !!!!!!!!!!!

and teh after of that visual as per usual was just the same !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

only worse this time...

cause this time it was from a distance...

The presence 2...

when you lived the absence for the longest of time like you sort of become used to it....

in a way that you almost forget how and what the presence finally could make you feel like again.....

like you know all the feeeeeels how his presence used to make you feel like but its that thing nai charlie cause its been the longest ever and  you sort of know what it feels like but the details of the feeeeeeel like how it strats how it makes you feel realizing bout his presence before you and the after of it.... its like the whole process whole impact of someones presence like that one person just that one someone's presence like no other.... like it just transforms you inside out and you jsut cant help but feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel everything it makes you feel !!!!!!!!!

when you were still struggling to get over that disturbing echo of his voice and your mom today says she'll be with you for work as she had some other work too.....

out for work and the same restlessness like you cant keep your mind straight or at peace.....

the way that feeeeeeel of the dream his words keep disturbing you that bad......

like you know shaking you up in the waking state....

kinda thing !!

and this sudden ting of some glass sound as your mom drinks some juice she orders at a cofeee shop..... and just the ting strikes that chord with you......

just the sound and the feeeeeeeel of his gypsy soul song...

walk out from there and just stand out for a bit play his gypsy soul and just be with the sound.....

there was that much jam that much crowd around but the way soon everything around starts to disappear like your vision for real gets that blurred out......

like your eyes shut and yet open wali feeeling.....

all you could feeeel live think sense was him.......

just that one feeeeeeeeeeel in you like the way it was that beautifully slow transforming everything into Him.... just him !!!!!!!!!!!1

done from there to the workshop to shopping some bits and on your way back just before a turn to the gvk a jam....

how do you even sense something like this how a presence feels makes you feel like nothing else you feel how does  that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeling is that diffferent from the rest of what you feel live through all these years.....

why that one moment that one presence that one smthing is that different feeeeeeels that different transforms you away like everything inside of you outside of you changes away in just that fraction of a sec.....

like to just see to just visually live for a sec for real and it left you completely transformed after years !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling to just live that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling after years and then realize this is how it used to make you feel like this is how much his presence mattered again not smthing you already knew but justttttttttttttt that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie to live smthing aftter  years when you almost sort of lost that familiarity of how his presence used to make you feel like like not literally forget but today when you live it after years !!!!!!!!!!!!

just donnooooooooooo how to exactly write out what it left you with !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The presence...

where to start how to start even !!!!!!!!!!!!

after 4 years 4 complete years of not having seen him lilst bhi like not even door se did you ever see him for real.....

there is that thing bout the presence charlie at least for you His presence...

like for real real not in the pics not in the chat or in the dreams that you breathe him through !!

for real real kinda presence...

been the longest time ever and today you finally see him after 4 years.....

cause evrything in you felt in that moment strongly that it was Him there even be it for a fractionth of sec that you saw him again where the mind keeps telling you you almost see him in every face you see now......

cause you are constantly looking for him but in that one moment today like it made you live that same feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of his presence after years !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that very same feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling having lived after years today !!!!!!!!!!!

even writin it now this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling its filling you up with all over again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saving up moments...

today just passing by that same flyover and at some traffic signal and as you look around the waaaay the skies were that blue with that smell of monsoon in the air and the waaaaaaaay just that memory recall only made the misseeing all that much more worse......

to just relive him walking upto you and knowing you could just live him live that beauuuuuuty of him and his love for you......

save that moment save that feeeeel away with a pic that you see on the side of the window.....

tree that beauutifully spread across exactly hw and what you felt in that moment that one memory taking over your mind for the moemnt in a way diverting your mind away fromw hat you felt in the morning today.....

save the moment away.....

like work you mostly skipped most part of it and instead keep going yaha waha mindlessly that lost......

its that weird feeeeeling charlie when you already were that lost in this different strong misseeeing and then this moment from today morning only made it all the more worse......

smthings you just donnoo why !!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

like kaikuuuuuuuuu aisaaaaaaa feeeel hona dream dikana !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to this now feeeeeel where and how to find that same arri t shirt of his !!!!!!!!

like after years now this one strange thing now like you kaise bhiii honaa bas how is the question !!!!!!

ayyaaaaaaaaaaa but howwwwwwwwww beauuuuuuutifull i swear he looked in that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful lil big thing how only Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu were missed abiiiiiiii k abiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Echo of his voice!

that one echo of his voice from the dream the push and the way it just stayed with you.....

like you just had to be out for work just so you could make yourself that busy that you dont keep replaying that moment that echo of his voice from the dream today....

and yet the way all you could hear was that same tone that same push al you could feel....

and this one time you finally decide to block him back..... cause again exactly what he made you feel like in the dream wantin you to be away....

the sec you do and just be with his music playing loudest today..... with one ear plugged in....

after a few mins the song on the radio prolly the second or third time this has happened with the same song.....

like if you think logically radio its mostly the newest of tracks that they play unless its some classic channel that plays old songs....

and then there was this moment when the song dilne tumko chun liya hai plays on the radio.... and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it fills you up ause it was your much liked songs and not much loved cause much loved happens with just his music.....

take it to be your mind again just a random thing that the random radio channel played..... soon later the song of kaminey film plays and that feeeeel again when all him rushes through you with his love back then for mimicing the slang accent from the film... like anythng he would talk he would only talk in the f way.... foon way !!!!!!!

its like as the song played that was the time when that lil smile popped up making it better just for that moment.... like it was then when you couldnt hear that echo of his voice from today.....

def the first time ever when you avoid struggling to avoid your mind from playing that echo of his voice again n again !!!!!!

to just being on that road stretch at somewhere mehdipatnam when on the same road to somewhere and on your way back you see that good side of his too.....

when he stops for some family car on teh way back from opera wearing his much loved arri grey t shirt and looking his beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful best in it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

him crossing the road walking  upt the other car and talking smthing and you lost in him in just the waaaaaaaaaaay he looked that one face of his talking to someone random like some moments when you feeeeeel that lightness like you are off ground having a moment of your own for nothing at al....

to watching him walk back with the guy just crossing that road and you still lost in the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay he looked that beauuuuuutiful and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just smiles still crossing the road knowing thats how lost you were in him like he would know any and every expression of yours......

like would just knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww what and how you felt in that very moment..... you just living thata beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him and him smiiiiiiiling that smile only once back in the car the waaaaaay he says kaisaa ghoorti nai with that much khushiii on him..... and thats when you tell him you loved that t shirt on him.....

timing teri and just nods awaaaaaaay that adooooooooorably as the man comes in the car too and he couldnt say a word more before the man.....

these moments when you looooooooooooooooved living him the most when he is lookig somewhere else talking to someone and you could just lose yourself in him.... like just be and live him somethings again you write and relive now this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling how HOW BLESSED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to just be sit there and live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him with him just walking upto you and just knowwwwwwwwwing what and how you felt in that moment.....

memories moments i swear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it cann suddenly fill you up with this much smthing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lilst of moments...

walking around today the waaay those moments spent with him that day was makin you feeel !!!!!!

be it that one signature adoooorable expression of his after saying prolly the worst thing he ever said on your face and then just that one expression again makes up for it..... that one feeeeeeling in you how does he manage to look his adooooooorable best even in the worst of situations i swear.....

like that one feeeeel as he watches you and you ask him what it was bout or if it was bout what you thought he was talking bout and the waaaaaaaaaaaaay he just looks at you in that moment brings his hand closer to you and then nods away saying nothing.... kuch nai and just moves away.....

to that moment when the first sec he sees you at his room door the very first thing he sees is the black kurta on you..... like dosn see your face but your kurta instead.....

again this one thing that he was that cutely possessive or noticed most loved most.....

seeing smthing new on you as you rarely did....

and when you wear smthing new it had to be with him.....

or if you do wear in his absence and him looking at you passing by the same street and asks you to come out and see him as he was leaving for work and he notices smthing new on you like some print smthing you weere wearing is smthing  you havnt worn with him.... and the first thing him calling you and asking you what you weer wearing that you never wore with him and you instead talk bout his work and focusing him towards the interview he was off for to submit his script...

and the first thing him on the way calls you asks you to come out..... he was right thee outside and first thing him checking out what you weer wearing.... and then asks you why you never wore it before and you tell him it was some old kurta of your moms and the same question again why not with me.....

and you try to tell him it was faded very old and that same question in that same adoooooooorable tone of his why not with me.....

it was that thing anything to do with you had to be seen by him like he wanted to be familiar with anything to do with you......

to be loved by him was to know what love is all bout...

like all that filmy logic bout love that you had watched in movies and thought that was what was love and there was him proving every bit of it wrong and showing you the most BEAUUUUUUUUUUUUTIFUL side of love !!!!!!!

just by loving you, was to know what love really was all bout...

same him with that same love for you even on that day the first thing he sees on you was the new print old kurta again that you were wearing that you never wore with him..... and the waaaaaay he just stays there at the door looking at your kurta and then looks up at you and lets you in.....

still turning and looking at you with that same adoooooorable stare for a moment, why not with him......

like that logic of it being old worn out faded dint even matter.... it was just that one adooooooooorable logic of his that he must know be familiar with anything to everything to do with you...

chippyy You were missed this moment right here.........

when you suddenly writing writing get hit by a missing even worse than what it was before this one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling if only theer ewas some waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay some waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay like you scream and he feeels it there that you missed him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Same way!

you still remember coming back home with that feeeeeeling still there that strong he still does love you and yet dosnt know he does.....

and that feeeeeeling that surity of his love for you he himself proved it right in that meet after he comes back from kashmir.....

it was like that one meet too when you felt his love the strongest and the waaaaaaaaay he made sure to make you feel live his love for you.... like intentionally making you feel he still loves you.....

just like he used to say feel the most love in the most pain or smthing like that !!!!!!11

and you did pain the most and the love the mostest too....

soooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to this morning like you just see him with his face that close to yours and you try to touch his face or smthing and the way he just looks at you pushes your hand first and then pushes you away saying go man.....

that one word that tone of his voice the waaaaay that complete moment shakes you up and you wake up.....

it was the worst feeeeeling that you have woken up with in years now.....

like the first time ever smhing like this !!!!!!!!

the way it makes you that restless that weird like donno what to do how to make it better for yourself.....

get off and head out for a walk without even changing or anything.....

just that neeed to find that peace immediately.....

and the way with his music this memory is all you could feel.....

cause it felt almost the same thing.....

again when you lose that sense of what are you doing !!!!!!!!!

Thats how you love !!

it was that thing charlie when you realize it actually was falling apart when you wanted to give that one last try one last hope or smthing to see if you still could hold it on......

if you could still keep it together.....

cause maybe he did prepare you sort of already for this flip of his many a times......

like everytime he came to see you on the terrace and especially when lost and would be that lost kid with you wnating to be loved he would always mention at least once.... bout this flip of his mind and does make you keep promising him you wont let him go even if he wants you to..... like his mind flips you to hold him keep holding onto him.... like to not react exactly as per his mind flip and instead asking you to still stay with him....

but when you are that sure THAT SURE of smthing in your life like thats one thing the only thing in your life that you ever were that THAT SURE... Him in your life !!

like even when he would keep saying it over n over again time n again and that one feeeeeeeeel in you why is he even sayign that cause you were that sure of him and his love for you.... like eveything else around may change but that one thing in your life NEVER WILL !!!!!!!!!

like that sure.....

and that day you knew you shouldnt have gone knwoing he tells you that way to keep off him.... but that need to hold him stronger closer hoping he would stay......

but that day when you come back and sit at your stairs place for longest time... the only feeeeeeling that you could feel was atealst you saw him atleast you held him atleast you lived that moment with him even if it was that ironic but him watching you after and then reaizing his love for you in that moment and then again pulling himself away adn walking out......

its that feeeel charlie atleast you came back with smthing of him and today when you live that same memory after waking up from that weirdest moment ever in dream that one feeling thank god you did go see him that day......

cause it lasted you this long !!!!!!!!!!

it was that beautifully ironic when everythings falling apart him walking away and yet was sharing it all with you being his usual self with his usual love for you and THAT much love for you......

SOME MOMENTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Away !!

back then at his place when you go to see him when you feeel he dint sound himself on the call.....

like he did sound disturbed and tells you to stay off him....

at his place with that feeeeeeel maybe after this you wont be seeing him maybe after this you wont get to go see him like this at his place like you sure knew it was falling apart like you wanted to make the most of that last moment that you had with him.... cause you still felt that last bit of smthing in you like you still could go see him like that without asking if you could or not...

and at his place to ask know or maybe just to see him hold him one last time......

and teh way he stays off you and avoids looking at you and yet the way he tells you he is leaving for kashmir with family and will be back after a week or two and still needs to pack and he couldnt find where his wallet was.... like there was himthat one adooooooooooooooooooooooorable him still trying to show you that its all over by staying off you and then there was the most him still sharing it all away with you.....

where he couldnt find his wallet and keeps looking for it yaha waha as he was getting late to go book the tickets and stuff.... and you get off his bean bag and give it to him as it was on the corner of his table.... all that while that he was looking for the wallet he keeps turning and looking at you.... watching you live him.....

this meet too that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie when you know you wont be seeing this one face that did become your LIFE nothing less nothing more like the only and eveything and then when you feeel that you wont be seeing him this way maybe you wont get to sit like that and just live that beauty of him maybe after that you wont get to live that adoooooooooooooorableness of his sharing it all away with you keeping you posted bout the plan..... and even tells you his fone wont be reachable once there and he will manage to take a local number and let you know.....

and just when you give the wallet the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just stays and watches you for a sec like he was saving that moment away with the wallet still in your hand and your hand towards him and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling.......

the waaaaaaaaay he just watches you maybe said it all.....

and you try to hold him and the way he pulls you away on the other side of the room and then pushes you away.... and tells you this is why she dosnt take my blanket as she feels its dirty.....

it was your all out space of his room right outside the washroom where you did live the most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful moments with him....

be it the love ones or the hilariously ironic ones.....

and that same corner him pushing  you away and saying that showing the blanket of hsi sister and blames your closeness with him for to be the reason that she dint use his blanket.....

and you ask him what this reason is he talkin bout.... and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just watches you again in that moment tries  to bring his hand closer to your face and then loosk away saying nothing.....

nods away and then looks at you again.....

stays for a bit watching you and tehn walks out of the room......

that one look that one stare was him being that same adoooooooooooooooooorable that he had always been even in the most ironic of situations....

when he would share smthign to do with his ex and only after saying smthing would realize he shouldnt have said that.....

that moment after saying it and when you ask him what it was he was talking bout was then when he realizes what he shared with you...... the way he just watches you and then tries to make up for it by trying to touch your face and then dosnt and walks out of the room.....

you walk out with him down the stairs and he stays on the other side of the stairs for a bit with his chachi telling him to drop you and you just turn and look at him one more time and step out from the kitchen side of the house..... and he goes the other way.....

even writing it now this weird feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it did fill you up with......

who hotaaa nai charlie movies mein dekte scene taking the otehr way being on the same path......

that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling you come back with......

but there was that feeeeeeling still there even after all that that you atleast did see him one more time.... you atleast lived some moment with him one more time.... atleast you did touch hold him one more time.....

at least you shared smthing with him one more time !!!!!!!!!

even writing it now THIS feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This missing...

there are days and there have been years decade of misseeing almost !!!!!!

and then there has been this last week or this week rather last few days and this different whoooo andaaar seeee that sudden tooo much misseeeing like you can feel it grow get worse by the sec...

like you donnooooooo what how or why but this sudden misseeeeeing that feels worse and much stronger than what youve grown used to for years now...

like you can just feel it andaaar se its a different much stronger misseeeing like you can just feeeeeeel it !!!!!!!!!!!1

its this weird lostness that it has filled you up with...

like this blankness its smthing that you cant possibly write out define express out in words...

just feeeeeeeeeels that different and stronger !!!!!!!!!!

and then there was this fraction of a sec of a dream or moment it was and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling it left you with !!!!!!!!

like the complete day that one echo of his voice him pushing you away and the waaaaay it took you back to the very same moment that you did live for real...

days away from bup......

again never had a dream like this one like you did this morning.....

the waaaaaaaay it just shakes you up the same way it did back then like that feeeel you wake up with this morning and the after feeels did last and HOW !!!!!!!!!!

do exactly as said, pull yourself away...!

One thing to the other.......

this only !!!!!!!!!!!!

this beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of writing smthing anything him and the waaaaay still writing smthing else it just takes you off to another moment related to that previous moment....

soon after that ringtone moment the way he says again as you open his tiffin dabba and start serving food says again mein dekha koi ladki call kari again that tone of voice when youve lived it a zillion times like you knowwwwwwwwwwwwww that surely what he means by the way he says smthing.....

and you tell him ladki he rehti be it calls or msgs and that one adooooooooorable chuckle of his voice ab tum sirf ladki you mean and you tell him yes apart from him its just girls for you and everytime he provokes you to say smthing dirty or mad and you say it and that one adooooooooooorable typical sound from him cheeeeeeeee nakko bol aisaaaa it sounds bad..... and that alone again makes you sooo wannaaa say it just sooo you oculd hear it again from him.... and you tell him again when it comes to guys its just him and apart from that you are into girls.....

that same cheeee again and then says it again beautiful pls dont say that.....

its that beauuuuuty charlie when you knw he def wont tell you he still loves you he is still that possessive bout you but the waaaaaaaaay finding these lilst of moments of his love meant life to you LIFE i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!

to just seeee him be that possessive that not even with girls i say !!!!!!

smthings you relive and write and the waaay it puts the biggest smile on your face just recalling some moments.....

finally down to eating and the very first bite you eat and the way he asks you haath dhoyi tuu and thats when you realize you hadnt..... and you just nod saying a no and that one another adoooooooooooooooooorable cheeeeeeee from him obvsly cause it was after, that you sit down to eat......

and him still watching you with another cheeee and that one moment of embarrassment and you still continue eating and then tell him no wonder it felt like you weer eating him only.....

and that one adoooooooooooooooooooooorable louder cheeee this time !!!!!!!!!!!

i swear charlie secs back he would be this mad wild beauuuuuuuuuuutiful love of yours secs after that one same adoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable kid  from back then.....

its like to live such moments to make him let him be that same adoooooorable kid even be it for a moment any amount of embarrassments would do !!!!!!!!!

but i swear that did feeel like you weer eating him only !!!!!!!!!!

also why it did make you not wanna wash your hands even after him reminding you bout it.....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaay he keeps looking at you beech beeeech mein with that one look and one nod and  you tell him it was cause you were that hungry and dint want to get off and then be back.....

one of those mornings when he does make that demand after longest of times i want to see you first thing in the morning.......

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa another connecting moment......

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just gives you that first hug and then smells you and that beauuuuuuuuuuutifully says you smell all fresh fresh cause you did get showeered got ready at the fastest speed possible again that one thing back then with his meets it used to be there.... to get ready the soonest sec possible knowing him hhoping he dosnt change his mind of meeting you if you get late.....

that one strange fear always used to be there !!!!!!!!!

smthings you write now and this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The word Meri...

at his other place one of those "recent" meets it was !!!!!!!

in the kitchen to get some food or smthing and when you come back to his room and the way he says your fone was ringing mei dekha koi ladki ka naam thaa and then that one adoooooooorable kid smile flash of his telling you that and then watching your expression over him looking at your fone.....

and that very moment the fone rings again and this time he just looks at your fone on charge and then that one big adoooooooooorable smile listening to the ringtone and then says aishaaa meri and then stops with that same kid expression of his that you were THAT used to as and when says smthing he wasnt suppposed to that one signature expression of his.... and then says aishaaa tu chillout track lagayi fone ringtone pe.... carbon based lifeforms no that is of !!

what he was initially about to say was that again same line of his meri gf chillout bi suntiii like he used to say it back then meri bollywood gf types.... cause you could sense that excitement in his voice could seee that big sudden khushii in his expression....

and that beauuuuuuutiful familiarity of some words charlie when you just knowwwwww how some words that youve been that THAT used to sound like feel like mean like.....

the waaaaaaaay he says it the exact same waaaay aishaaaa meri and that one tongue in cheek moment wala face cause obvsly he dint want to call you his gf then..... and then says tu chillout track suntii and then says the exact artist name.... again smthing he suggested you with some other track but this one track you really loved the sound and vibe of.... and had it as you ringtone back then......

today inthat moment as the track plays that echo of his voice of the word Meri that one adooooooooooooooooorable expression of his after to watching his khushiii of realizing of some artist he loved you had it as your ringtone on the fone.....

the sec some sound of his plays and the waaaaaaaaaaaaay it brings back that one Him is a magic beyond words......

like you listen to the sound that need to shut yoru eyes away cause you felt him in that sound and the sec you do the waaaaaaaaay he is just there !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exactly why when you miss him too much the refreshings of his page only grow through the day.....

like this one constant thing youve been doing refreshing his channel hoping for some song and today as you live that moment there you realize why you do that......

his music does fill up for his absence.......

its as strange madnesss as it sounds but it strangely does...

it just does smthing beyyooooooooooooooooooond words or logics or even levels of sanity i swear !!!!!1

its like the sound brings him makes his presence come alive in that very moment...

exactly how and what you felt in that moment as you stand in the middle of nowhere with eyes shut listening to his song and living him living the echo of his voice in that moment only asthe sound fades away almost done and you open your eyes and you see few people around obvsly staring away at you with weirder looks around....

its that beautiful meditative state like sudden smthing beautiful that just made you come alive... like you are alive but what you feel after a moment like that one is different that beautifully different......

like the more you try now to write the exact feeeeel the madder its only sounding like......

its different very different !!!!!!!!!

after years when the song again comes back as your ringtone in that very moment.....

cause you felt him and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no wonder call it love call it madness as anybody that knows you thinks like call it whatever it def comes after Him, this love for it, same feels as oxygen does to your body i say !!!!!!!

ditto !!!!!!!!! 

at His place !!

had to meet a client of yours and when she mentions inorbit mall !!!!!!

that one feeeeeeeling like you were close by to where she was earlier in jubilee hills but the sec she mentions inorbit mall instead and you fataaak se a yes.....

last few days this one literally struggle to hold your mind get a hold on yourself as the msseeeeeing def feeels worse and nothing like youve been used to now......

like pataaa nai charlie but the waaaaaaaaaaay this misseeeeing is only getting worse itaaa ki you keep looking at your own wallpaper of his and keep feeeling his way away his hands awaaay and self talk saying i miss You soooo much like you look for moments alone walk away from your mom from people when in crowd or wehn at work like just that neeed to walk away suddenly look at him on your fone and just live that miseeeing saying that to his picture.... to just live that moment kaihhiii bi kaiseee bi ekdumm see like you know you can feeel it this miseeeeing only geeting worse....

and you cant get a hold on your mind like you are struggling that bad !!!!!!!

and the sec today she mentions inorbit mall that one hope maybe it will get better when in one of his places.....

the very place where he held your hand for the first time as you are scraed to step on the escilator that you are today bii like now its more on the way down you are shittttttt scared..... then it was also going up and the waaaaaay he sees that hesitation as you ask him if there was a lift or staairs around and the waaaaaaaaaaaaay he moves his arm forward and tells you shows you how his sister holds his hand like couldnt tell you directly to hold his arm and instead tells you this way....

to the moment off it and you still had your hand on his arm and the way he just stands there watching you hold his hand..... with that one heights of khushiiiii on him and only when he looks at his own hand do you realize you were still holding him.... and the secyou move your hand away the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just stays that way looking at your hand..... and then his arm....

and that one nod that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful nod like he was sure that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully sure you will again hold him cause you were just moments day away from love......

just that one nod of his knowing just that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully knowing soon that will be smthing youll live and love, holding him !!!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee writing writing how only You were missed ekdummmm seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would move his arm forward asking you in a way to hold him and then lock away his arm locking your arm away in his......

sooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the sec you are there that same feeeeeeeeeling of lostness !!!!!!!

looking around searching for him up the vol of his music and just be walking around without calling her and telling her you weer there.....

only after a while of being on your own finally at starbucks her waiting and you meet and all..... through the meet this one bunch of guys play some video and were talking bout smthing the song chandralekhaa.....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa chetansinghaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the lyrics of the song the words mein cheeka chilaya usne mudke bi naa dekaa.... one of those songs that you loved when high with ur friends ringtone back then and everytime her fone rang that one scream inside of you chetansingaaaaaa....... tuneee mudkeee bi naa dekaaa !!!!!!!

and today that one sound and that one neeed to get away and live that smile rushing inside of you live that moment on your own.... and just be for a bit !!

get off and just when you were bout to play his music and this very song that plays after really long as it was unchecked on the list like wasnt added to new beret list on your fone being new.....

it was a carbon based artist song...

the sec the song plays and you weer in the middle of the que at the counter and that one sudden beautiful lostness of the moment as you shut your eyes and there he was that sound of his voice that adoooooooooooorably says meri and just stops..... as your fone keeps ringing.....

that one sudden beauuuuuuuuuutiful feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling as the song plays and you suddenly cant hear a thing outside lose sense of the place you are at like completely blank....

just you and that one moment with that echo of his voice as he says meri and just stops with that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful smiling tone of his voice !!!!!!!!!!!

some moments i swear as lil as they maybe but they just leave you with smthing that is beyond words !!!!!!!!!!!!

a song you hear after a very long tme and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay it brings back this beautiful memory of his adoooooooorableness !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee again writing writing how only firseeeeeeeeeee baaaaaaaaaaaadly You were missedd ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

When some days are just that diff!!

you miss him with every breathe you take now.....

like with every single one there is that THAT much missing him running through you !!

like that one thing constant in you be it asleep awake any sec of the day or nite it is..... this one thing constant !!

and then there are days there are just those some moments when that already misseeeeing takes a leap to another level only...

and the reason not some big deeep memory but just that lilst of moment with him that rushes through you in the middle of nowhere.... like one thing leads to another as if that one moment one smthing just held you and took you to another moment of him...

like last two three days this one strong misseeeeeeeeing like never before like these last few days the misseeeeeeing has only grown that bad THAT owrse ki you donnoo why suddenly you are misseeeing him THIS bad its that restless weird lost state of misseeeing only growing with every sec...

like youve always missed him but last few days are just diff !!!!!!!

THAT different...

and with a today like this one today, only made it worse !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just WORSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Music day!!

some moments and in that one moment you live a zillion other memories connected !!!!!!!

be it mirror moment the window moment from bombay that love of his for blue skies on drives the waaaaaaay he would suddenly watch the sky whilst driving and you living your most loooooooooooooved lived visual of life - Him !!!!!!!!

and all of that in that beauuuuuuty in one of his places......

and you tell your mom to finish her shopping and youll come back for billing and all and leave and go back to the stairs and just be.....

like making the most of what and how the place was making you feeel !!!!!!!1

to just live that visual of you standing there reflection on the glass and then relive those mirror moments was missing him beside you his absence visually living his absence was smthing you couldnt handle in that moment.....

sit there for a while up the volume of his music and live that beauty of the rains for longer.....

his places def calm that rush of misseeeing for a bit, always does for the moment....

back to the store done with the billing and come back home with THAT much him !!!!!!

that neeed to write and you realize there was no internet cause of the rains....

jsut be up reading the comic and this one post on insta nd you realize it was the international music day.....

first sound of your life of the real music - Him... wasnt just that beauty of the first sound it was also tooo many first that came along with that first sound of his fink.... that beauty of his first touch on your hand him standing that close to you for the first time ever him staring in and through you from that close first time listening to his music for the first time using his headfones that he never gave someone first time and feeeeeling that beauuuutiful comfort with someones presence from that close to you losing that fear for the first time.....

like you always knew him like you were always that used to his closeness....

its like some words visuals come along with too many things that make you feel make you wakeup and realize too many things in at once...

to that wait on his channel that nite to see some like from him smthing any music like you that baaaaaaaaaaaaaadly wanted to live him through his music that day...... keep refreshing almost every min hoping waiting and then be with that adoooooooooooooorableness of his pic only !!!!!!!!!!

how adooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorably beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful does he look ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuuuuuuuty of his full grown daaaaaaadi that makes you literally wanna go closest to the screeeen only just soo you could feeeeeeel that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful fuzz of his daaadi !!!!!!!!!

MADNESS !!!!!!!!!

exactly what its now !!!!!!!!!!!

that one smileeeeeeeee of his that brings along that sound of his another song that he that adoooooooooorably shares with you ghis ringtone of his ex gf and then again realizes what he just said ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa anything to everything i saaaaaaay bas pakaddddd seeeeeeeee khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa jaaaaaaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaa uskuuuuuuuuu yummmmmmmmm bolkeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to that feeeeeeeeeel everytime you seeeee ayyyaaaaaa nayaaa kaikuuu naya lagaya koi at least you woldve this way got to see him.......

if there is that one person on this planet that has spoilt you in presence or now absence without even knowing is Him......

back then with his THAT much love and now in his absence when his music fills up for you !!!!!!!!!!

like you literally switched his love to his music......

whatta change nai !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but that thing again bout misseeeeeeeeeing any lil of smthing means everything than having nothing at all.....

is how you fill up for his absence now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when the misseeeeeeeing going to another level only with the onset of monsoon now......

rains and him i swear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the waaaaaaaaaaaaay it only multiples the misseeeeeeeing away by the sec as you breathe !!!!!!!!!

His blue!!

soooooooooo yahhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!

you just walk slow and ask your mom to go up in the store and youll be there soon....

knowing your madness for staying away on your own and for longer in some places she lets you be without asking anything thankfully.....

just sit there for a bit on the steps reliving him there in the paking space..... the waaaaaay rains make memories all the more special.... specially in some places the beauty of the dark rainy nite sky the smell n sound of the rains with his music and him still standing there in the aprking space looking at you like he missed you for many years and then saw you that kinda longest misseeeing that you could see in him that day.... its that beauuuuuty of some moments charlie when you realize you werent the only one that did miss him suddenly that much that day.... to just see that same misseeeing in him for you that day was beyond words.....

like that one smthing you shared with him that just he knew and shares it with you, without any words or actions.... just by the waaaay he looks at you like finally he got to see you !!!!!!!

soooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!

the waaaay it also makes the rest of the sounds of the jam disappear almost cause you couldnt hear a single honk despite of the on n off jams on that lane.....

it was like just the moment with him standing there the nite sky and rains above and the him that was rushing through you with his music playing in the ears.....

once done with your moment of space get in the store with that other feeeeeel so fhim.....

the way once when he takes you there and just goes away to the chocolate section looking for smthing as you were watching the different exotic fruits there....

and soon comes over to you and asks you you like fruits so much and you just nod with excitement saying youd never seen this fruit that fruit smthing as they looked scary.....

that thinking of it now must have been dragon fruit cause the sight of it today too looks the weirdest of all !!!!!

then asks you fruits or choclate with that excitement in his voice and you just nod and point out to him instead..... that one adooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable nod back of his and holds your hand and takes you to the chocolate section and shows you this box and tells you it was his fav chocolate as a kid and then takes a pack and only in the car gives it to you... when you ask him why for you when it was his fav and the waaaaaaaaaaaay that adoooooooooooooooorably tells you he wanted you to have it cause it was his fav one as a kid.....

another moment of toooooooooo much love for him ekdum dhadaaaam se when he shares smthing of his childhood with you shares smthing with you that he most loved and wanted you to have it......

you have alwasy been more bout dairymilk or fruits kinda person..... like the only choc or hersheys cause it had this memory of your brother bringing it over but now with him that one smthing too that beauuuuuutifully transformed..... its like every memory every misseeeing in you is only for him.....

so much soo writing now this moment do you relaize how this year was the first time in all these years that you did forget your brothers death anniversary..... which later your mom reminded you of !!

first time in years !!!!!!!!

is when you know call it selfish madness or call it love......

pata nai charlie is it cause youve missed him that much like all you now miss is him....

like dates to do with him places to do with him things to do with him is all you know and can remember or relive......

it def made you feel the worst but is also smthing you cant help now..... merepe nai hai ab charlie donno what or how like you know its weird but smthing you just cant helpppppp !!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the way that day he opens the box for you and despite of it being his fav he makes you eat it first and that same adooooooooooooooorable wait on his face.....

watching you eat waiting for your reaction and just like always before you even say a word just that adooooooooooooooooooooooooorably knew by your face how much you loved it.....

nods awaaaaay that adoooooorably only after eats it.....

the way he tells you after too like his ultimate fav being dairymilk only but like this one is smthing he loved to have once in a while.... his most loved butter toffees !!!!!!!

the first thing you look for that day too and couldnt find it......

and instead found your bit of happy childhood part in a corner of books.....

when you find shikari shambu comic after ages !!!!!!!!!

pick one up with  that feeeeel his bachpan nai mila mera acha bachpan mila !!!!!!1

at the breads section and your mom sits down to have smthing an dyou on the opp side reading the comic and thi sone time she tries to offer smthing to eat you see the backdrop his shade of blue skies......

the waaaaaaaaaaay the sky looked magic against those tall trees....

like suddenly it dint even look like it was in hyd kinda scene..... whoo mountain top trees wala visual with  that beauuuuty of the blue sky.....

get off and go closer and the sec you see yourself in the glass reflection the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it takes you back to another of those most looooved moments the mirror moment....

watching him through the mirror and living that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of the moment to see yourself with him to visually live yourself with him beside or smtimes ahead of you as you hold him from behind and live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him and him instead watching your hands holding him with that smileeeeeeeeeeee on him.....

again him living your presence saving up that visual of you holding him and then watching you ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa beyoooooooond magic i swear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when you see yourself standing reliving that moment in your mind and then don see him beside that weird feeeeeel.... go back to living that beuaty of the visual there and save the moment that one feeeeel of the store and that much HIM awaaaay in that one picture.....

when you relive some moments and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay it suddenly makes you realize how long it truly has been having lived that very same moment !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

been a long loooooooooooooong longest of times !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His places!!!!!

once there....

and just like every place of his that neeeed to feel and live the place all the more just so you could relive him there.....

your mom takes the umbrella cover from the security and you chose to walk slow under the rains living him right there outside in the parking space.....

with his sister in that beauuuutiful abrupt meet to meet her friends..... that again left you with the most beauuuuuuuuutiful memory..... memory of his THAT much love for you !!!!!!!!

in your mind that day too like that one visual of him still waiting there for you outside being that sure that you will def come back for him..... like he was just standing there that beauuuuuuuuutifully looking towards the side you walk upto him.... like he was how that sure youll be back for him is smthing you didnt understand then or after that moment when you relived that very memory prolly for a zillion times and over !!!!!!!

even whilst writing n relving it now !!!!!!!!!!

how was he that sure !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuutifully sure the waaaay he was just standing there looking to your side and the sec he sees you walk upto him and soon runnnnn to him just cause of the waaaaaaaay he watches you with that bigggest beauuuuuuuuutiful smile like that one beauuuuuuuuuuutiful expression change of his that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful transformation almost and t makes you runnnnnnn to him and hold him away !!!!!!!!!!

it was that most beauuuutiful moment of knowing how welll he knew you and your love for him !!!!!!

like to just knowwwww you for sure will be back for him.......

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa cutest adooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable thing on the face and eveything of this planet i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhh some moments nai the more you write and relive the only more times it makes you wanna write and relive repeatedly !!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!

to that moment when you finallly see him there right outside qmart to pick you up.... and the way his sister comments that she wasnt going to eat you up with her friends that he was there to pick you up that soon.....

like you could see in his face in his expression the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just looks at you and you immediately get off her car and just stand outside and the waaaaay that beauuuuuutifully dheeere se he just touches your one finger away..... like thats how bad he missed you that day for just almost an hour or so of bein away from him.....

the way that day he felt that very same thing that you did in that moment... the way he says it almost felt like someone just took you away from him suddenly...... that very same feeeeeeling that you felt that day !!!!!!!!

like being taken away from him and that was smthing that you both couldnt handle !!!!!!

smthings as you write now.........

this THIS ONE FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this one sudden blankness after writin it out.....................

soooooooo yahhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too many reflections in one day!!

some moments some memories and no matter how long it has been how many times youve relived that one memory this one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel after reliving it every single time.......

lil did you know what was next !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

again when you have been loved that much you sort of get used to the idea of that life like you know for sure in you that thats how it will always be like...... like thats how he will always love you want to have you in his life !!!!!!

like you take it to be a forever one and never to be changing thing bout life... like no matter what happens that one Him in your life and His love for you is smthing you will always have in your life...

sooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh from the blinking lights moments to taking a look at the pic after clicking.... like it started off with you watching the lights blinkig n reliving that moment with him as you watch the lights... with that sound of the vipers the lights blinking his music playing and the waaay all of that was adding that smthing to the memory that your mind was playing....

like in a way you were actually living that moemnt then and not reliving it !!!!!!

as weird as this sounds some memories impactful ones can do that to your mind.....

that moment was that for you !!!!!!!!

and reliving it now as you write this one feeeeeeeeel like always...... you were that sure of him in your life THAT SURE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

ki all that lil lil distance then too him not talking properly and jsut watching you instead you take it to be his flippery mind that he did mention to you bout earlier.... and that he did many a times like he was in a way preparing you for that side of his.... and also did tell you fir after 2-3 days of realization ill be back to normal but just stay with me karely through those days.... just be there with me even if my mind flips.....

and you take it to be those 2-3 days of flips lil did you know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh where to wehere only again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when you see the pic there was you still reliving that memory and when you notice the mist on yoru own window in the pic the waaaaay it takes you back  to that hilarious titanic scene that you shared with him.....

when  you tell him that day at the stadium now you did understand what ws that scene in the film and what actually happened then !!!!!!!!

like from the beautifully ironic memory recall with almost a tear in the eyes, it suddenly leaves a smile on your face with that mist in the picture...

from there to cancellling the ikea trip as it rains  too much and instead when your mom suddenly decides to stop over at q mart instead......

of all the places that one place...

its like almost every corner of hyderabad and every corner of you there is that one smthing of him, that beauuuuuuuutifully laced.....

no matter where you go or where you are that one lil smthing of his love for you that you feeeel that strongly feeeeeel !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that one place toooo ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one adoooooooooooooooooooooorableness of his love for you i swear !!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yaaaaaaaad kiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa maineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee aaaaaaaaj thoooooooo bhooooooot zorseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee kahaaaaaaaaaaa ho tummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blinking tailights...

from one moment to the other....

that one beauuuuuuuty and smell of the rains...

like every visual you come across as it rains and the more Him it brings along !!!!!!!!

and HOW !!!!!!!!!

from there to fill in the fuel...

where now almost every petrol bunk takes you back to that one adooorable moment of his possessiveness that you live for the first time after bup...

him putting the lights on the face of that other car driver as he felt the guy or uncle it was looking through the car.... just like back then when he would see first who was walking or standing close to you even much before you could see notice or realize......

like he would always be looking around you making sure you were safe and you that lost in eveything him that you always alwaaaaays failed to notice that around you or make sure you were safe and at  distance from the crowd.... maybe it was that thing knowing he was there and like nothing else really mattered or needed attention..... that one feeeeling when he is there you are the safest you could ever be... ever been !!!!!!!

soooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhh from where to where only again !!!!!!!!!!

at the petrol and you lost in that beauty of the rains as you keep looking around for moments to live him more......

and this one car backing up n then moving a lil away and the lights blinking.....

again smthing you live him with everytime you see a tail light blinking of some car even be it in the jams.....

the waaaaaaay it always takes you back to  that one moment......

almost close to bup and you stand there watching him move his car and then wait and look at you through that rear view of his with his car tail lights blinking on n off.....

the waaaaaaay he is just there cause he wanted to drop you home spend that lil more time with you and his sister wanted to be with you.... like you did sense smthing was def wrong the waay he asks you to wait and have dinner the puran poli with him like he was coming up with things to do that could make him and you stay longer.....

to that moment just before heading out he tells you that he'll drop you off and you tell him you cant cause his sister wanted to be with you...

and that one nod of his with that one diff smile the waaaaaaaay it felt different then itself.... like he jus missed out on that moment with you......

when he that badly wanted to be with you !!!!!!!

cause he knew what he was going to do next the step he was bout to take.... that was going to change your life change you forever !!!!!!!!

like that clsoe to that one step and him wanting more to be with you as much as he could......

 to the way he just comes that close to your ear and tells you he dosnt want to but has to..... and stays there where you just close your eyes and live his presence closest to you that day for the first time...... cause he was being aaway from you causeof his sister and eveyone being around...... also that day was only the start of the distance that was soon going to come after !!!!!!

from being that distant to that close to you that day.... the waaay he just stays even after saying that for a bit.....

jut cause of his presence that close to you living him that close you dont really undertsand or realize what he just said....

soon leaves gets in the car starts off and then stops again looking at you through the rear view lights blinking on n off......

that one moment that whole vibe of the moment is smthing you cant possibly get over ever !!!!!!!!!

like there was THAT MUCH love in that one moment !!!!!!!!!!!!

like you oculd just feeeeeeeeel it........ there was that thing of him moving away like you could sense the distance but didnt ever know thought or even slightest hint of what was coming next !!!!!!!!

not even the slightest hint !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Rains...

out for work and half way you get a call from your mom asking you to take an off as she had some work and you were stull in two minds and then that beauuuty of the weather and you decide to take the day off back home pick her up and out...

on your way to ikea and it rains and HOWWWWWW !!!!!!!!!

mid waaay one of those gallis almost close to ikea and that same familiar feeeeel it gives you every single time....

it being one of those fav gallis of his in jubilee hills....

like you obvsly donno which one it is but there is this one galli and eveytime you are there that one sameeeeeee feeeeeeel it could be that gallli of his bolkeee....

lke you cant help but feeeeeel !!!!!!!

half way there and this bad water clog thing almost half the cars aaadhe paani mein and doooor this traffic and mid of it all your moments of peace watching the rains with that sound of his music.... these drops from the trees falling over the window like in your mind that beauutifully slow as it falls touches the screen splits off in thousand other drops like falling stars.... like in your mind you were already that higggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh on misseeeeeeeeing him like you could def feeeeeeeel your mind going that slowwwww with him rushing through you !!!!!!!!!!!1

and this one place you get stuck couldnt move the car and you refused to go any closer worrying bout your car now howwwwwww just with his birt year number one the plate this one another level of loooove for you car..... like its become that one looove of yours......

kidaar bii zaraaaa lagaa samjoo meri gaaadi kuu no mattr where it is even in charmnar or in traffic that one ned to get off and check if its okay....

like you even named it purple panther again connections cause he loved the color purple on you back then and generally in shirts he would just hold that one color and blue color in his hand and just check.....

there was this one t shirt of his tooo that he loooked adoooooooooooooooooorable in color purple also why you loooved the car when you first saw it color purple his birth year and panther cause its the same breed as the singh/tiger hence the name purple panther !! :D

soooooo yahhhhhhhhh back to the moment.....

stuck in the jam making sure your panther dosnt get any close to any possible damage with constant instrucutions to the driver despite of 0 driving sense confidence i say i swear !!!!!!!

this one moment there was this one huge tree that close and drops from that tree over the window you lost in that one scene from a pic of his on insta with complete full on taal movie scene feels again....

cycle being tied up to his car out for his movie in lonavla or something like that oen picture or two pictures of the same baarish scene and it did become your most looooooooooved shot clicked by him of baarish.......

like thats one exact moment you alwaaaaaaaays have wanted to live the rains with and as......

on a long drive clouds hovering right over your head and rains and mist all around.... and Him to live it with !!

like this has been one wish biggest highest hoped for of all teh wishes !!!!!!!!!!!!1

to just live the rains with that beauuuuuuuuuuuuty of him to look into breathe in with !!!!!!!!!!

and as you live that moment there watching the drops off the tree to over your window take a shot and lil video thing of it with his music.....

saaaaaaadly the sound goes off no sound of water or his song playing.....

but the moment captured and just when you were the car moves a lil and as it was on a worst mode of slow mo prolly the biggest drawback of this new fone when the slow mo is this bad..... but that oen beauuuuuuuuuuuuty of the moment the waaaay it looks that beautifully trippy where one side of the video looks like a still image and then a video as the car moves a lil with layers of drops tree and an aartmennt at the back..... and that oen word of his the sec you see teh clip after recording pssssssssssychedelic !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that oen adoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable sound of his as he used to say it pouting his beauutiful lips awaay !!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa writing writing how only abiiiiiiiiiii k abiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Youuuuuuuuuuuuu were missed howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Internet!!

when the restoration of the internet also connects you with his music !!!!

heights of misseeeing gone to another level of heights only i say !!!!!!!

no wonder this loooooooooove for monsoon when after spending a day out in the rains you come back hom with that much THAT MUCH him and then not be able to write it out for almost two days !!!!!!!!!

like its you alone that knows what and howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww this felt like !!!!!!!!!

now the sec it comes back after much being after the life of the internet wala guy like every hour almost and a zillion calls after prolly the only two or three things that you dislike bout monsoons....

ek thoooooooooooo THIS zorkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii misseeeeeeeeeeing with that one wish it always comes with.... like despite of knowing the reality for years now for years of monsoon now like this is smthing you can never get used to... like to not let yourself wish for that one wish like not let yourself miss him a godzillion times more in each sec as it rains is smthing you jsut cantttttttttt !!!!!!!!!!!

like ye thooooo kitttaaaa try kiyeee kitttaa socheee why waste bolke thoo bi naichhhhh hota....

like yeee baarish ayiii face pe first drop and with that very drop comes a Him... and HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW !!!!!!!!!!!!

and the more drops you feel the drops you sense feel and smell the more HIMMMMMMM i say !!!!!

like its that mandatory like jaisaaa baarish ke saath baarish ki khushboo is a must bas same to same dittooo i say....

baaarish ke saaath merkuu Him biii that same feeeeel i say.....

sooo yaaaahhhh nowwww finally when you can this one same feeeel when you dont or couldnt write that very same instant now this feeeel where to start even....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the two other things power and internet going n coming !!!!

with that much Him rushing through you after a day like that one to his places.....

the feeeeeeels tooooo much i say !!!!!!!!!!

Sound of a memory!!

def the most lived and loved memory !!!!!!!!!!

its like you almost lived a life of memories in that meeet.....

liked the sight of the sea and waters..... but after that day the sound of the waters any visual of the sea you anywhere sound of the waves sound of the name versova bombay big windows anything to everything including that coffee table of his that you wanted that bad and get the same one for your house too.....

just cause it reminds you of that moment of dropping his ash tray and whilst rubbing to get it off intead spread it all across the rug of his.... and the waaaaaaaaay he just watches you through that and only after chuckles away that adoooooooorably to what a mess you had made and you keep saying sorry.... as you had ruined his rug and the waay he just holds you away and pulls you closer to him and just stays that way..... holding you closer.....

the waaaaaaaaay it felt like he was making up for that missing all of that missing after the bup for the first time in that meet....

the waaaay he was just holdingyou closer making sure you dont move away from him and the more you write now this one weirddly beautiful feeeel with the song playing and tears rolling......

smtimes writing smthing you lived and loved the most does make it better......

just that nite when you find this song and live that memory and realize how extreme pain too can set you free like love does...

it sort of made your head lighter after !!

that one memory just in you.... any brush of smthing that brings that day along the after is smthing you struggle to deal with......

like you thought you were fine now yesterday and now again as you write it out reliving that day reliving those moments feeeeeling him living him holding onto you.....

if only that feeeeel did stay much after the meets too.... if only he could, did.... hold onto you after too !!

Weird feel !!

living him in his places be it the club gate to this bake house moment....

it was that weird feeeeling cuase when there it was like he was just here there with you and suddenly like someone just erazed him from that visual....

like suddenly you oculdnt see him anymore.....

it was that weird feeeeel of the then and now.....

it sthat thing charlie there are days obvsly you know the reality like but when in some places you just live a moment closest to you and then suddenly dont find them there in that moment with that absence and that realitty sinking in of thebefore and after the change can be a lil difficult to deal or make peace with in that moment.....

like you come back home iwth that feeel of where did he go where did all that love of his go.....

knowing the situation the change that well and yet that weird feeel of the then and now....

and the way finding this beuaty of a song only makes it that beautifully difficult for you to make peace and finally breaks you down....

def a track you must have heard before too cause its coldplay....

but the waaaaaaaaaay it just feeeeelt that nite......

to just realize how long it has been.....

longest of times that you havent see felt touched lived him for real.....

and now longest of times since you havent heard any of him too.....

to that one line when the song goes can you hear my heart beating the waaaaaaaaaaaay it jus in an instant takes you back to the sound and feeeeel of his heartbeat with your head over his seena listening to his heartbeat and loving it that much in the bombay meet.....

as you keep telling him how you can feeel his heartbeating with your hand over his seena..... and keep going closer just so you could hear his heartbeat closest to your ear.....

to just feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel that moment live that moment, those moments......

closest youve been with him longest youve been with him for !!!!!!!!!!

that day right from those magical few mins when you feeel that feeeeeeeel of being in bombay the way all those lilst of moments spent with him that day rush through you.....

to this one song and the waaaaaaaaaaaay it finally breaks you down everytime the word long time did appear.....

to just live him feel him for real !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that meet was smthing else cause it was your first meet ever after the bup when you felt his love for you in the same way..... just like he did before bup !!!!!!

like that day you thought you had found his love back again in your life found him back in your life......

its that thing nai charlie suddenly with that much love you think assume thats how it wil be from now on......

lil did you know again !!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT closest to you even in the way he just be's that way.... with his one taang entangled with yours.... and just stays that way for hours.....

that closely tied by and with him literally.....

that you get off to get ready and that one strange feeel in you and you look down and then tell him ayyyaaaaaa you miss his taaang the waaay it feeeels empty mere taango ke beech mein..... and he just stands there that adooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorably chuckling away at your logic.....

but that was exaaaaaaaaaaactly how it felt.....

like suddenly smthing went missing from and in you.... like you were attached tied upto smthing and then suddenly being taken off you....

it just felt that different for the first time when you feeel that some body part of you almost went missing wali feeel.....

even as you walk to the washroom and you keep telling him how weird it felt now....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just walks upto you tabi k tabi and holds you peeche seee.....

every sec as you were getting or moving away to get ready the waaaaaaaaaaay he just kept holding onto you more...... closer the more you move away......

as it was gettin dark and you werent allowed to be out for late.....

and you move and the waaaaay he would hold you closer the waaaaaaay he just dint want to let go of you......

this has alwasy been there charlie.....

when you meet him with him you feeeeeeel it this strongly him not wanting you to leave or move away from him or leave him.....

but the sec you are off and away going back to him him wanting you back........ is another story altogether......

its when you are there its all he wants you to be closest to him, but the sec you are far the farther he wants to keep you from him......

like you know holding your hands away just so you cant touch him, keeping your heart away just so you dont love him, keeping you away just so you dont stay with him...

Moments!!

to the not so good stuff and yet beautiful stuff !!

on your way back from work this one flyover thing that you always waited to cross as it has the most beautiful C after Him that is made on it.... some sort of carved thing with other figurines around evolution sort of thing towards this beautiful C moon that is with stars around.....

days back when your previous finally was giving up and you had to get a new one after more than an year or smthing.....

again same struggle hoping you get it right this time of havig a chat backup just so you dont lose these msgs and voice notes of his.....

this time you donno how or what rest of all the contacts and the msaages disappears except for his......

his msgs and his number with the other previous old and first number of his ever and bombay number stays.... rest of your contacts that you hadnt even saved any place else of clients and some friends all gone including the msgs....

just the names are there and now as you look at your new fone this one strange level of happiness.....

thats how basically your life is anything to eveythign to do with him is all that stays with you matters to you is your Priority...

rest all its like almost non existential....

like just a part of your life and not life...

to just see the list with just his msgs there this one different mad feeeeling i say....

sooo yaaa tryng pics with his new fone and this new app that the play recommends nd you are already in love with it cause it gives you that actual film picture kinda vibe....

when you couldnt all this while manage to get the clear pic of that much loved C on the flyover you finally do now....

to on your way back home that thristy and you stay and wait for bake house to come just so you could get off and get water frm there....

stranger are the waaaays of heart i say cause when tat level of misseeeig strikes you just gottaaa be in some place of his....

and this one you go after long.....

be there get water and just before stepping out you ask the counter uncle if you could click a pic and the uncle dosnt get it or just says a no and this one aunty of the uncle asks you what it was bout as you were that disappointed with that no.....

and you ask her if you could pls click a pic and she nods and happily says a yes and tells the uncle it must be smthing important cause it made you that happy with a yes....

and moves the cutsomer away and lets you take a pic.....

the place lloked much smaller than it was back then....

different kind of chairs and tables but the color red remained the same...

back then too  it had these smallest red chairs around and the day you were there too there was this guy sitting on one chair and some female standing at the other side.....

in your mind that beauuuuutiful visual play of that moment....

just be there after taking the pic and reliving him in that very spot looking at you without that smile expression of his as mango was talking to you.... and you were smiling or laughing at it.....

him just standing there watching you and you couldnt take your eyes of fhim even as mango talking your eyes that beautifully glued on him.....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaay he would jsut hold you awaaaaaaaaaay even standing that far from you....

like you just look at his face his expression and the waaaaay it just pulls you closer to him like all of you on the inside being drawn towards him..... and you get off and as you walk towards him the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay his face that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully transforms that one smile on him and you jus stand there close to him and just touches your hand with his without holding your hand... like just feels your hand with his again his way of feeeling your presence after living that moment of distance with you....

that was the first time you lived that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful version of his love for you, him making you feeeeeeeeel just his just that beauuuuuuuuutifully his.....

to just seeee him feeeeeel that for you - was beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful beyond words....

to just feeeeeeeeel you being just that one someones prolly the most beautiful feeeeeel  i say !!!!!!!

like you sure knew he loved you the most in your life but then to feel live that feeeeeeeeling of being just his and him wanting you to be just his.... BEYOND WORDS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diff wants in life!

like last few months speically after this block and for this longest time of silence and not seeing him did  make you realize bout this fact - diff wants in life.....

his and yours....

he would rather be on his own with those once in a while kind of doses of love than to have a forever kinda love.....

like he prefers his own company the most like you know be alone and yet be content with being alone....

like being alone and lonely are two different things.....

and him being him that he is and no wonder loves his company the most !!

like who wouldnt i say - His company after all !!!!!!!!!!!!

and you being the kind that you are..... no wonder also maintains that distance with you knowing just exactly how you are.... knowing you the most and more than you do yourself he makes sure to maintain that distance.... cause knowing you he also knows his presence and priority in your life......

your kind is to sleep to him and wake up with that peace of mind in your eyes that surity in your eyes just before you open them that you will see him first soon as you do.... that one assurance of knowing that no matter what this one person wont let go of you...

like you know be sure to sleep beside and be that sure youll wake up to for the rest of your life, is your kind of love !!

and having lived this much of missing this one hypothetical thing as you live this feel of the moment now having msised him this bad first the few nites you would end up not sleeping and just living him watching him sleeep and then waiting for him to wake up.... like not miss out on a sec of him trying to make up for all this absence of years now.....

how beautifullly hypothetical and random of a thought to feel.....

mind and heart i tell you the weirdest of organs in the body !!

both of them have a mind and will of their own...

soooooo yahhh !!!!!!!!

to understand this thing bout different wants in life and just accept the way it is and just be wih it.....

so mucb be with it ki when you come across the news of the tofan vayu few days back in bombay you refrain from writing to him or asking if he ws okay cause of the promise you made to him and yourself most importantly.....

and instead pray for him to be safe.... and put a news alert on your fone cause you dont fllow news otherwise and it was only aftr a day or two of the cyclone alert do you eget to know of the news.....

and this time put a news alert on the fone just so you know.... this morning the news of earthquake and again that same struggle to stay away and then end up praying he is good......

there have been a zillion mentions bout acceptance of the situations but when you realize how different your idea of life with him is bout you sort of make peace with how and what it is like.....

knowing and accepting your flaws with where you lack and then making peace with what you have of him now....

Its who you become!

its not bout how you are born and who you become after...... there is that one transitional time that happens in everyone of our lives...

that one transition that changes it all for you...

be it bad for some or for some just that lucky...

and lucky was and has been for you !!!

ayyaaaaaaa Lucky !!!!!!!!!!!

his Lucky also i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

that one transitional phase was when he did come back in your life...

yes, thats what and how it has always felt like right from the very start !!

like he just reentered your life again....

moment after moment the more you be with him the more you lived him to much after too the chats the talks like it was only bringing you closer to the actual you that you are meant to be.....

it was in a way settng the real you free.....

be it in terms of music movies stuff that you like times that you like places that you prefer now or for that matter just smthing this simple as being on your own...

when your mom smtimes used to ask you why be up till morning after a complete days work like you could rather get a better sleep and look less tired and all that.....

when you listen to things like these its that thing that love of his to be with your own.... to just be !!

cause thats how and when you connect the most with your real self...

you could be doing anything or doing nothing at all but just to be on your own....

and no wonder now that love did turn out to be his way of love also why loves being on his own lonely solitude call it whatever fancy or otherwise.....

like maybe now thats what he prefers and loving him and as you cant live with him being on your own did soon become your way of life too.....

like you would rather be on your own and feeel him live him in your mind in your moments than be with somebody else and then still miss him....

ruining too many lives expectations at once....

with it this way of life now.....

this love for the nites as much as now writing at this hour after really long cause you again take the day off today too mind just tooo free to work.....

that much love for nites and writing at that hour that you almost turn the room darkest now just so you could write out with that slow vibe of the nites.....

you were different and definitely not you before him.....

the waaaaay him in your life and with his love did transform you away and HOW !!!!!!!!

every lil thing in your every day that beauutifully laced by him.... and anything to everything to do with him....

when after years you notice that another change when you had to go buy smthing and realize you had to size up for it.....

his words again when he mentions bout smthing and it actually helps again dammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn when you cant just write out stuff for censors......

and through winter skin issues and you had to switch to this daily habit of pooora cream lagana and all......

and finally realize it did work what he said....

like yesterday when you realize bout the size that very sec that one smile on your face and then that same need to hide away from your own mind.....

its that beautiful feeeeling charlie..... to just find him his words anything to with him in the lilst of moments in the most personal thoughts of your mind specially with his absence now.....

its that thing when you have someone in your life all the time it is but obvious that you connect relate them with anything and evrything... but when theres a distance an absence like this one and yet to feel them in any lilst of random moments is smthing else !!

that bit of beautiful smthing.......

making you realize how much of them you become as the love grows...

how much of them does involve dissolve away in your everyday moments !!

lilst of moments bhi....

like these moments were the good stuff like making you feel that side of his presence that you keep your mind off !!!!!!!

knowing just knowing whyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!