Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa mornings like these the waaaaaaaays he just comes ayyyaaaaaaaaaa the day this beauuuutifullu made I say!!!!!!!!
THIS state of mind!!!!!!!!
Mannnn koooo atiiiiii bhaaaveeeee miyyyaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
Razaaaaaakhhh miyyaaaaaaa tum aaaaj subahhh seeeeenzooorbzoooor se yaaad aaare!!!!!!
Dreams moments wishes moments lived in the dream and then longed for it in the waking state.....
All these years and more so recently the waaaays he has been coming like every single time there is always that same level of attempt of his trying to assure you of his love and presence in your life... like the moments are not just random ones with happy excited passionate moments they come with lil conversations along like he adds that bit of words throufbthem only after waking up and reliving the dream through the day do you realise what he actually meant.....
Like they definitely can't be random!!!!!
To the moments througbthe day lilst moment of magic out of nowhere that brings him along just when you were missing him in a certain way.....
It's not like you go looking for things but the waaaay they come straight to your face like a big sign board that wanted you to notice it and realise ting bolkeee areee it's to do with him or some memory of his....
Come way tooo far the dream this morning if only you wish you could write out the dream details too without rethinking to write out or notnto or without even edits or filters to just write it all away as felt and lived....
HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like from that moment suddenly it was like something in you just shifted the energy the vibe of realising the biggest mysterybof life i say!!!!!
That one moment of hope wish surity to just realise to just feel n know to be together and it was that sudden rush in you to go running no matter where he was!!!
Some moments nai like you just donno why you felt the way you felt but it was that gut strong wali feeeel...
In between the appointments the smile on your face and the smile of his playing still playing even as you write and relive it now.....the way it was just there like it was making the clients smile back at you cause that's how beautifully lost you were in your head....
Finally for some fabric work you head out in traffic and right opposite this mall that you always forget name of but has the bookstore crossword and evry single time you see the mall it's the memory of the inorvit mall wala crossword where he takes you out first time still as friends holds your hand at the escalator and into the bookstore.....
And you tell him how alien the place seemed to you cause never before did you ever visit a bookstore.... him chuckles away and asks you to just look around and tell him what you liked or what got your attention first.....in his terms he meant was a book him looking around your eyes living his presence away....
Thise initial days with him still as friends him trying his best to give away hints of his love for you and trying to understand the first time feels rushing through you....
Of all the faces why your eyes loved living every bit of his presence the way it usedbto make you just happppy....
To just see him walk around in the store that day where initially he looks ar9und for a few books for his sister and then keeps lookijgnat you beech beech mein in ishaara asking away what you looking at....and you try to look around and act busy and not constantly staring at him as you turn around and see him watching this Megan fox mag and tell him hot nai and he just abruptly puts it back and you tell him it's okay she is hot and that one adoooooorable smile on him for thebdirst time prolly you see that one!!!!!
He gets back to browsing books and you look around for book and he comes close turns the book around from your hand and shows you how to know the context of the book by reading it at the book and you don't say a word and the way he smileeeees away saying there's always a first time nothing wrong bout that!!!!
It's the lilst of things charlie that makes the entirety of someone makes you wanna love them more.....the lilst of things that they are made of that defines them that makes you wanna love them even more...
In your head all those lilst of details of his was making you live him more like you know like the closeness of his love the occasional stares of his love the way he would wait for you post gym and insist on those coffee dates later to those random chats in between workouts heading out downstairs to just be bit by bit the way he seek3d familiar like you always knew the one closeness that familiar thatvone face that one feeeeeeeel of him that familiar.....
Even writing it now this rush again!!!!!;;
Through the day these moemnts in between the appointments that one self reflect mode....
Be it cause of the dream again this morning or just this new feeeel after very long charlie...this feeel of hope!!
All of this that you feeel away the way he comes the way he is there in moments that strongly in sync with the state of your mind can't be random...it's something he definitely feels too and that one moment today not sure if you passed out or something but with his music playing that one sudden thought wish hope what not sure that you felt but that strongly in that moment he is coming back again and you will be together....
Something's even as you write now sounds nothing less than madness which you did decide not to write out cause in your head when you felt the same hope wish all by yourself the way it made you feel sounded felt better than what how it felt writing your mind out....
But you can't just feel all of this away without it being both sided...
If it was just bout the missing and stuff stil could've been just you but it's his dreams charlie in waking state the way his presence in moemnts can't be for random can't be for nothing.....
Not sure when what how but this one thing you know for sure bout him and his love for you.....
When you feel something this strong you can't pollute it by wondering the logic behind it....as simple as that!!!!
And today in that moment all by yourself how strongly you felt that is something beyond the logic or the whys!!
And when you thought photography pictures is all there is to it you had to witness the beauuuuuty sheeerr beauty of him to move sway smile awaaaay that smile that worked like magic.....
And it did this time too and how!!!!
When you had to be at work like you couldn't skip it cause the manager took the day off the store keeper took the day off and you had to be there cause of the prior commitments!!!
At the studio playing his music out loud and sorting the place dusting off like in your head there is this self talk know you are trying your best to divert your mind but the waaaaaaaay him smiling moment keeps playing on looop...
Anddddddd merkuuu nai maloom charlie kya ho jaata be it back then him smiling and the waaaaay it just makes you feel on the inside likebto just live him smile that smile makes the insides smileee away the biggest widest smile possible how like that didn't make any sense back then or didn't decade later today either....
Akele akele taking studio snippets dusting away with that one smile of his playing on loop to the sound of his music...and somebwork doubt you had to head downstairs to the workshop!!!
The zardozi team messed up a design client order completely and you had to change the design and ask them to redo it again and the way the zardozi master asks you if it was your birthday or something cause you looked happy as you didn't react not even the slightest with the major messup as that one!!
Smile away and head back to the studio!!!!
U are strict at work with work when it comes to getting the sample pieces done getting the client order right like you keep a check on the quality and the designs being done apart from the design bit...
And today this mind charlie like evrything just feeeeels this gooood in your head....am just happy!!!!
Every moment almost evry other second thatvone visual of him smiling the Beatty of a moving image of a video of a live moment is something else ...
Especially when youve lived a gap of that many years and then to watch him move smile in motion sway away tobsome beat it's like lving that presence for real , in real it's just a video but in your head it's brings back the actual presence of someone like they are right there before you for real in motion.....
To experience this was something else, no wonder what his presence used to do to you back then!!!!!
Only him i say!!!!
When just his presence or anything to do with him brings out the cheesiest Bollywood in you!!!!!!
Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa that one felllooowwwwww dived away deeeeepest in you and HOW!!!!!!
MIND everywhere you go and there's him!!!!!
Howleeeeeeeeeee You gorgeous lil big thing if only you had the slightest idea bhi how only you are being missed and at what pace!!!!!!
All it took was just his presence and this one face this one mind this one stage of you like you’ve never felt before!!!!!!
At work and this need to hide away for a bit get away from it all for a bit just so you could live this feeeeeeel this rush of him to the fullest!!!!!!
Just you and your mind…!
Never felt this way before in the longest of times!!!!!!
Used to happen with his actual presence back then!!
There was so much to write this sudden blankness now!!!!!
I miss him so much charlie like not just cause of the dream it's this other missing too.....
Seeing him in 3-4 months post bup as he was busy with his script then soon Bombay happened and then skype happened but still you were seeing him living his presence and then with the sudden gap you forget sometimes what it was like to feel somebodys presence nai for real....
Cause all this while it was him in the dreams that kept you going that you almost forgot what his actual presence felt like his voice felt like like you missed his voice that bad in that dog video of his to actually hearing him talk....
Love charlie it's always the lil things that can make the most difference in life...
Lilst of detail just a smile just the way someone moves justbthe sound any sound the way it's the lilst of details that counts....
Usually miss his voice his presence random lil things bout him playing wrestling with him his music just him overall!!!!
It's this side of him that you refrain from relicinf or touching that side of your memory....
From that moment at concu youbwrre all the more lost like the second you realise what just happened your skin goosembumps....like it felt that real in that second...
It was just a moment for that moemnt butbthe mind it left you with.....
Firstly cause of the moemnt itself like to feel his grip over your wrist to just feel that same feel again secondly to realise it was his Bombay place....the mind it's that turn of sudden switch of hope!!!!!
Felt different charlie!!!!
Next moment someone walks around in a white shirt and that feeeeel again nobody as him!!!!
His hands in the story on the table like to you it was living his details after that long....skype was the last you'd seen him for real after that it was this one...
How your mind starts to trace the details when you see it after long like the last you'd seen the detail lived it felt it.... his hands just like his hair your most loved and felt thing bout him...
Be it the first time him holding your hand on the escalator or at the construction sight or during the drives or at opera when he does something over your arm and that rush and you ask him to do it again and show you this time how it's done....only when you try the same on his arm that one adooooorable scream with shiver karely you don't do these things to me it's only one way!!!!
This thing new feel lately to just write him his lilst details like you wanted to write something else but it's these lil things that keeps crossing your mind ...
Not sure if you've lived these lil moments before but the way strangely laste few days se it's these lil of things that crosses your mind.....
From there on concu it was!!!!
Head for a coffee with her....
Everytime when there that first feeels likebwhen you really love some place tayt one wish always to be there with him....
Play his music and just be as she gets busy texting and some sound of music from concu like the sound of voice that sounds similar to his ripple effect one....and you donno what it was but that very moment to visually see yourself stand against a fridge him holding your hand like he used to, somethingssssss you can't write but just this need to today anyway!!!!!!
Sooooo yaahhh the way he looks the same like he did in his story the same one not from back then.....in a black shirt comes closebto you over the neck and some sound you make or something it was and you wakeup to the sound outside....
The house didn't look like his one from Hyderabad the way it had that feeel like you were in his Bombay flat with that present him holding you same way....
Like soon asbyou hear the sound out and realise bout the moment you just lived ask her fataak se if you were sleeping like if she notice you and she was on a call so obvsly she didn't but you are that sure you weren't sleeping cause you could still hear the music playing outside your pod cause it sounded that familiar to his ripple one!!!!
From there on the moment the him holding you to the sound of his music did the further beautiful damage and how!!!!!
You miss him relive him his memories most of them but there are these moments locked away deep inside cause you know once they are out it all just gets too wild for your mind to handle or absorb or to be precise deal with!!!!
That moment that clear you in a lavender kurta him in black shirt like you could see like you knew it was his Bombay place even whilst living that moment it was madness that beautifully!!!!!
Again something like this never ever before happened....like you in your waking state to live a moment like this one in your head.....
Today am telling you na cahrlie the day felt that different!!!!
From the flashes of his dream to the way the mind was acting up like you just coukdnt get a hold on yourself and could feeel the missing grow even more beautifully worse....
And that need to write him more was in a way making it all the more worse in the most beautiful way possible...
Ma nager home and that first need to find a mkent to take her fone she rushes to the loo and that was it and that feeeeeeel again to just seeeee him charlie ayyyaaaaa the waaaaay he has looked that gorgeous!!!!! That one wish if only he hadn't blocked you like you never missed it the way you did ever since that story like if only you could've seen it more often if it wasn't for the block.....
A lil later finally decide to headout for a game for sometime though it was a race day today but kya faida sala jabse started to watch Hamilton never for once did he even come close to the podium level like drive to survive pe all the wins but thus year being first time prolly following uonon the races not a single win also cause the mind wasn't in a race state but the face state of mind today!!!!
At the court and you thought it would help but his music in ears mind high on him not a single shot missing out on shots missing out on the ball and that smile still there....where kriti even comments that your mind is not here take a break and stuff....andbyou instead go for a walk around its just that Khushi high state of mind cause yesterday you'd see him this morning you felt him away and how!!!!!
It all was feeling very very different in your head just writing it out today it's just in right place...when you feeel him too much this is exactly what happens can't think straight!!!!
Today thise moemnts with your mind alone felt beautiful that one feeel on the inside it's him in whites charlie!!!!!!
A lil later back to the game to check if you could still play or manage atleast cause you just didn't wanna go home that early today...
And the way she suddenly laughs out commenting you are loud when you hit a shot!!!!
Bas there was him again right there!!!!!
His headphones on on the treadmill and the way mins later comes close asking you to bend a lil takes one off andbtells you not go breathless louder when you jog....
Cause that was prolly the first time you had headphones on didn't know bout the volume of the sound you just made.....
Like from that moment on you just knew couldn't go on with it....
Ever since the waking up today the rush through you his face his smile his smel the touch his closeness from the dream you just weren't the usual you!!!!!
Itvwas the same feeeling charlie backnthen after meeting him youbcome home and try your best to stay downstairs in the apartment just so you could be normal again that rush of him just was different most beautifully different!!
The smile like your mom could see sense it in your eyes....like after she noticed that change you made sure to look away stay away from home for as long as you felt lilst normal....mainly cause itwas the gaps in between like meet him after a while and then come back home with that him high state still....where post one meet he even texts you soon after dropping you home asking you to stay down for a bit cause he could see it in your face too....
Didn't know how what change they would see like make out of it but today as after years youfeeo the same way like you actually met him and straight head to the washroom and that face charlie that one face after longest time....the Khushi on your face was different there was that smile with that flashes of him from the dream itvwas different...
He makes you come alive like nothing else can......it's like suddenly you are pumped with that much life ekdum seee!!!!
Every sense in you that fully awake rushing gushing through you!!!!!
Mom over breakfast comments kuch tho hai bhotbsaal baad saw you like this and leaves it at that!!
Didn't have the slightest idea charlie how seeing him in random story could make you feel all this away...
When he mentioned bout how long it's been in your head it still didn't feel that longncause you live him his presence his love 0retty much every other day....but it's only when you see his presence that way do you actual mein realise it has been the longest time ever till date having not seen him for real!!!!
Like from last week to just hear his voice in that dog video of his to thus one seeing him for real with his voice his same smile it all just felt something else......years it has been!!!!!
This one lil one sided conversation boutb2 weeks back or something.....
At the studio taking outfit pictures and the manager setting up the outfits in rack n stuff and beech mein she gets a video call from her boyfriend asks you if she could and then heads out and comes back much after.....
Smiling away still texting and then comes around chatting bout the fight they had and stuff and most of the times conversations to do with relationships and stuff you always let the ears go numb for a bit or just switch to earpod mode with volume up.....
Obvsly before her you couldn't do all of this and instead pretend like u were busy with the shots m stuff and then she asks you noticinf you ignoring the conversation the first question don't you miss intimacy like see some guy look at you when out and stuff like you don't miss that in life and you get done with pictures and head out for a bit with no reply.....
Yesterday today after the dream through the day when you miss him like this the wayit connects the dots away which you already were well aware of.....
It's like he is always there and yet not there....
There is his presence like the one today thus noon when you wakeup with that feeeeel of having met him it's strange it's weirdly beautiful!!!
It's all still a dream but the way in almost every dream he leaves that hint away like connecting some moemnt from your day answering some doubt of yours away like to make sure to connect the reality bit to the dream it still sounds all madness...
But it's only if you feel things for real do you really understand or can make sense Outta it!!!!
That day when she asked you that randomly without even waiting for your reply cause she just jadbto comment something as was still busy with texting but you didn't really care bout that!!!!
It's that thing charlie like somehow you've grown strong when it comes to dealing with such things like what only affects you arebthings that really matter to you in your life...
If it doesn't matter it doesn't even affect you!!!!!
As far as the idea of intimacy is concerned this one thing having lived him after years cause he never before asbfar as you've seen his stories never before added a video kinda story where he is seen talkingn dancing tonjust live him that way and the waaaay it left your mind with not even for once for a single did you ever feeel anything for another guy the way you do for Him.....
It's like him his presence makesbyou realise that there are other emotions feeeols parts of the body that do exist to be precise!!!!!
Any presence not a single man the way anything bout Him does!!!!!
It's just the way you've always been when it comes to him donno how what or why but has always been thus way!!!!!
The way to just realise how much you missed his or3sence to just realise what it felt like to see him was something else!!!!!
This need to write out and a lil typsy can barely type so you wash your face away cause to write outbtoday of most importance i say!!!!!
Right from the very start of yhebday with that rush highhhhhh on juk you barely hadbslept like 4 hours max n the waaaaaaaay you felt him awyaaa the waaaays he comes chaltie i swear specially when you kiss him like this the waaay he makes sure to make you feel away the most you can!!!!!!
Lioendeom just misssingbhim ti missing himnthis way the way you did today!!!!!!
To live him to live thebmoments lived even if be it in the dream bhi to feeel that closeness to smell Jim from that close to touch feeel himnasay for him to make you feel away THAT MUCH of his presence that much of his love it's the rush youbwokeu9n with too!!!!!
Today just this need to write out the things you cang write out too but obvsy details you can't!!!!!!
Reality pooora ultaaa how likenhiw you live him this way in the dreams the way it feeeosbthat real again one of those things it just can't be just you feeeling all this away!!!!!
Kabhi leave shour mind this bad confused!!!!!
Specially when you live moments like these live him like this the way you did thismornjngs dream......to just live him from that close that zoooooomed in verso9kn to thebmoments this you this feeeeeel itvtranforns you away!!!!!!
Some daaaays must come with a statuwwarning sign!!!!!
Like deekhoo today se saavdhaan!!!!it's going to turn the switch on and how kuchh bhi karlooo bhaaglo khello ko bhiii karlooo switch band nai hotaa bolkeeeee This oneee thing first to seeee him that wyaa and thwnto see him that anitherbway this morning Jo bhi sambhale poora rat subah se noon se bas kaam khalas ibsay!!!!
Aaj th9 bas dimag you poora ka poora that bad high on him!!!!!how do you even find a way out of this rush whataaaallll ls rushing through you mind body soil wise how do you hide yourbgace reactions from Aju baju no matter what or who sees like that can sense the change in you this onebface the smileeeeeeee that rush on thebagce won't go awye no matter what!!!!!!
Howbdou control thebswitxh the waaaaay it's on this on mode and h9wwwwwwwwww!!!!!
Knowing is one thing, but to experience something like this on this level who bhi is beyond logics or any word of expression...
Like you always knew how much you missed him and in waaays you missed him!!!!!
But to live his presence even bhi it in a story sound of his voice to live him move smile moments like these that take you back to what and how his actual presence felt like to the dream this noon and this you it has left with is unlike anything that you've experienced before......
This mind this you to moments through the day today a Youday like this one too!!!!!
Like you can't wait to get back home and write scream your mind out cause it's just this beauuuuutifully happy hiiiiiiigh on Him!!!!!!!
Out for a game to just get a hold on your mind and still can't swing the ball right with a smile glued on your face like THIS!!!!!;
imagination running wild going places and all this while not a single feeeling feltvand all it took for THIS level transformation was him on the move swaying to the beat with his gorgeous hair down and that smile that swoooooooosh bolke melts you away and how!!!!!!!!
Said it a zillion times before will repeat a zillion times more, that one face in the world for you!!!!!!;;
This mind this you and THAT him!!!!!!
It's like you just want to hide away for a bit till this feeeeeeeeel rushing through you settles down for a bit cause you just can't CANT keep a straight face with that one face playing on loop in you...
Mind heart n soul going places on the inside, whilst the outside struggles to stay put...!
Ayaaaaaaaaaaa that one face in the world that one smileeee that one moveeeeeee in the world for you!!!!!!!
The day this day started the waaaaaaaaaays he just comes and this mind now as you see him again!!!!!!!
Like howwwwwew somebody can have this kind of an impact and everytime his does the way it amazes you!!!!!!!
This you THIS transformed just by living him in a story!!!!!!!!!!
Howleeeeeeeeeeee you gorgeous lil big sexy thing howwwwwew only you are being missed lile HOW ONLYYYYY!!!!!!!
This has definitely been the most you’ve ever missed him in the recent lot!!!!!!!!
Still this high and your rings with some random unknown number at this hour and your heart skipped the biggest beat possible not cause of the series but that one feeeeeeel one lil scream inside it’s himmmm!!!!!!
Again where the mind flies away with just the feeeels leaving the logic behind…
The him the rains the smiles the visuals this mind this you now how now !!!!!!
Miyaaaaaaa tummmm pehleeeeee seeee bhiii zyaaaadaaaaa yaaaaad aaaaare Abhi k Abhi!!!!!!!!
If only he knew charlie!!!!!!!!!
And for the first time in all this time you miss her staying with you!!!!!!
Just soooo you could see him again moving to the beat!!!!!!
Some moments and visuals i swear!!!!!!
Dimaaag mein ghussss gyaaa uneee poooora ka poooooora and HOW!!!!!!!
this season is def the scariest of all the previous ones and fir bhi you being the fattuest one possible were still watching with that mind high on him with a smile through on....
Like the mind the you tonite on a fly!!!!!!
Him to the beat the boomerang moemnt of his smile and this mind right now!!!!!
Where alllll it's going!!!!!!
Waaay too many feeels it felt off today after the longest time!!!!!!!!
The waaaays he makes you come alive...!
Just know this is not going to go down that easy this feeeel this rush RUSH of him with mind going places feeeels going places with him playing on loop when you have the smile on even whilst watching stranger thingswith his music on.....
The strangest of things a misseeeeing high mind can land you up with i tell you!!!!!!!
Kya Miss universe ka smile n shit they talk n brag bout ayyaaaaaaaaaaaa that one smile lilst shy high smileeeeeeee that one moment right there woooooooooiish bolkeeee Gaya Mera pooooora ka pooooora Dil and jow
This one sude3n thought out of nowhere if just seeing him in stories who bhi felt like this had this impact on you to see him for real after all this time to live his presence for real before you to touch him to hold him what and how would that feel like.....
Mind is definitely feeeling beautifully weird now.....
The thoughts the feeels with the flash acks this one Him!!!!!!!!!!!
This is definitely going to take longest to get normal with!!!!!!!
This high!!!!!!!!!
Heartbeat on a very different pace today after years mind feeeling this at ease happy high trippy state after years blinking that often today with that one visual of him smiling other of him moving other ofbhis hands his hair him in white = peaks of happiness!!!!!!
This rush through you this fully alive just this you that you are feeling after this long!!!!!!!
The way it again brings back why it's always been just Him.....right from the very start to this today how it couldn't be somebody else this you the way he makes you feel!!!!!
If you think it oterise it's that random but what and how his actual presence felt like after years did bring back all those memories flashes of his presence for real.....
Suddenly realise it had been that long since you saw him!!!!!
And like always every single soul that lucky intell you to just live him!!!!!!
He was right after all it's been a long long time after all...
When you experience something like this after this long it makes you wonder why didn't anything make you feel even close to what and how you feel today ever since that moment of living his presence!!!!!
It's like suddenly reliivng all thise moemnts of what his presence used to feel like cause it's been that long now!!!!! Having felt lived the same!!!!!
Today to see him live his presence that way in videos not pictures was like living him for real that made you relive that same feeeel almost!!!!!
To live him smileeee that sameeee smile of his that you loved that THAT bad!!!!
To live him move to hear him to just live his presence charlie all of him in those lilst moments to just feeeel this what you are feeeling right now after this long!!!!!
It's like you just can't get over this feeeeeeel this rush all of a sudden rushing through you!!!!!
He his presence all of him used to make you THIS happy!!!!????!!!!!!
It's this you that youve felt after years...!
Merku Aisa kisi ke liye for nothing at all Aisa andar seee he feeeel he nai hua the way anything bout him does and today thooo this rush through you this you has definitely been atee the longest time possible!!!!!!
How much do you miss someone that moemnts like these can leave you this transformed!!!!!!!
To love someone maybe one thing, to live a presence as you love them is a completely different thing altogether...!
He would sometimes wear it repeatedly the next day too and then kid away later that nite saying you know why I wear it more often now it gives me the best moments!!!!!
It's like he would wear something new or his pehle worn thing and then first look at you look you inn the eye to see your reaction to read your mind and the waaaay he would add if it's just a regular drive date or an opera date....
Seeing him today in the same the way it did bring back a zillion memories of him in white to why it felt different this different today....
It's been years since even a Skype call with him so the way he smiles the way he moves the way he sounds smileeees that one shy high lilst smile of his has been the longest the way it almost felt like you saw him for real......
As weird crazy as this sounds like it just felt like that!!!!!
To seee hum finally after all these years!!!!!
The feeeel it left you with on the way at the event that need to just show your face and get away out in the lobby walk around with that smell in the air of the rains as it just rained with that initial rush of him after having seen his story like just for abfew mins like that epic highlight of that moment of that feeeeelnrushing through you and then stopped....
And just like his story with that smel of the rains in the air still was that beautiful company all through.....
His mus8c every track that makes you feel him the most almost every caus there are a zillion more but in that very rush of the feeeel evry track that added to that rush with those visuals of him playing on loop and that one something that level of Khushi passion love happiness every emotion possible rushing along with it....
Somehow stay for as long as you could skip the dinner and just rush back home this feeeeeeeeeel charlie tonite this mind tonite how much you missed thatvone face!!!!!!!!!!
Ayyaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeee youbwrre missed waaaaaay more than you'll ever know i saaaay!!!!!!
Ayyyaaaaaaaa if he only knew had the slightest idea bout how much he was missed onsay!!!!!!!!
From that moment of seeing him to coming out and having to leave for the event was the biggest and most dificult choice you had to make.....
That sound n smell inthe air suddenly head out and it was raining and HOW!!!!!!
TIMING i tell you it was!!!!!
The you the mind inside you outside you all of you felt that tarbformed suddenly like the smile on you your mom n her biry at once ask you isn't she suddenly smiling too much abnormally!!!!!
It just wouldnt go the waaaay that boomerang smileeeee of his plays on loop every time you blink to the way he moves and looks that sexy overall evry bit of him all of him is all you could hear feel live still do!!!!!!
It's the the HIM just took over all of you away and HOW!!!!!!;
To the rains out adding that bit of tadka to already what you were feeeeling away!!!!!
Finally head out and the playlist evrything him with all those moments playing on loop with the smile glued that bad in your face and that one question from her did you speak to Chetan or something cause honestly never seen you this happy ever before!!!!!
It's that ting bolkeee realisation was your face that evident of what you were feeeling onnthe inside....
Him in whites charlie!!!!!
Has your heart and poooora you!!!!!
That THAT many memories.....
Initially your love for him in that white n blue striped shirt andbyou tell him how much y9u loved him in that and he mentions bout this white shirt that he had but he wasn't that sure if it looked good onhim and you insist on him wearing it and the second you see him in white shirt and you wear his fav white kurta on you ayaaaa some moments when you realise you twinned with him long back then itself!!!!!
And a zillion times already!!!!!
Something's intell you, exactly why when feeeelin this high on him this one LOVE to just wr9te it out the way he evrything Him just flows through you!!!!!
Sooo yahhh that day to see him first time in white shirt and a moment and you tell him it's his color and he needs to wear it more often.....there is that beauty of him that comes in whites....
That sense of purity love innocence strangeky passion too.....cause the way you felt for him first time in white felt different and this again just by yourbgace he tells you chal Aaj opera jayinge and that one look in your eye cause he did sense that in you!!!!
It's this beauuuutiful mix of feeeels that he looks like in whites.....he looks that deliciously pure!!!!!!
Even writing and reliving him from thise moments be it back then or today in that story this feeeeeeel this rush right now!!!!!!!
In between the visuals there was this one track that was playing just the video of people dancing away to the beat and the track was prolly a remixed one of the movie from back then.....
It was those days when he would sing away Bollywood songs to you cause that's how bad you loved them back then....like singing away proper Hindi songs with you on drives together sometimes and sometime just over a call or something....
One of those nights early morning calls where he keeps saying how much he missed you even if it had been just avfew hours that he dropped you home.....and that wish if only you could run away to him as and when he would mention more than once that he was missing you hangs up likebhe was almost alseep....
An hour or something later calls again you rush out tonthe balcony and he starts singing this very song just one like tu aja diljaniya meherbani karke.....and still over the call the way his voice feels that close to you one look to the side and there he was still singing again with one arm wide open for you.....
Runnnnn to him and that feeeeeeeeel every single time.....sings that one line again and you ask him kya hora English se seedha Hindi gaare Aaj kal and he adds that he just heard that in the evening and since then wanted to sing it out and then got a chance to sing it out to you....
There is also another memory attached with tuevsame movie....
That very first day after the nite of knw9ngntelling him realising it was love after all the next day he comes over to pick you up and that weird happy shy feeeeel like suddenly it alpl felt very different being next to him close to him felt different He felt looked different.....turns the car backnon road slows down and just nudges your arm away with his that was the first touch yourbfirst touch.....
And that weird beauuutifulbfeeeel on the inside cause it just made you that happy felt different that rush looks at your face that one smileeeeee on him and does it again and waits and you do the same back at him and that slow whisper of his so you were saying something last nite....say it again no!!!!!
Something's even as you relive and write now the best time of your life the happiest yohve ever been!!!!!!
There is no presence charlie no other presence that could do this to you!!!!!
This one re realisation again today the way the after you from that story from that living him felt like!!!!
All evening the waaaaay you just were felt different happy inside out!!!!!!
This you felt different!!!!!
All of it just because you lived that one presence of his in ways you missed him that THAT bad!!!!!!!!!
That state of mind you were in busy day at work on your way home as you had to change and attend this engagement event of a friend's friend but as she chose your design for her big day she insisted that you come to the event....
With the manager at your place for getting ready and that strong feel like the pace of your heartbeat sudden switch that same strong feeeeeel of him suddenly and sooo strong like the first moment of seeing him stand before what and how you feel on the inside that same very same feeeeelnrushing through you and you head out looking for her and her sitting on the couch with her fone in your room as it rings rush back in and shut the door....
That one beloved circle i say hit it and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa your heart right there him in white shirt all those flashes from back then loving qdooooorijng him in white shirts the waaaaay he just looks that bit more delicious in whites.....to his hairdo that exact same hair length from the dream the other day ayyaaaaa that one smileeee in the boomerang ayyaaaaaa thatvone smile of his eyes down a lil shy high smileeeeee your heart lietrallu popped out and stuck over his that one face his usual style of shirt buttons sleeve tucked to that specific length thatvone smileeeeee it's this feeeeeeeel charlie like always seeing him smileeeee just makes you happy happppy on the inside like nothing else can make you as happy that!!!!!!
To just seeeeee him ayyyaaaaaa to just live that beauuuuuty of his!!!!!!!!
To him moving to the beat hair down and the waaaaaaay he looked that delicouslu yummmmm i saaaay aaaj bas sab chaltaaa cause mind this happppy high on him tonite!!!!!!!
It's just the waaaaaay it fataaaaaak se left you this transformed alive blood rushing highest pace possible through every possible vein in you!!!!!!!
Again it's only 2jen you live certain moments visuals feeeeels do you realise achaaa this is how happy how it makes you feel like nothing else till date did!!!!!!
Not a single thing not a single presence the waaaaaay waaaaaaays his does!!!!!!!
That one face that one face in the world lil did you know nai he would mean away THIS much bolkeee!!!!!!!
Ayyyaaaaaaaa this one day nite already feels this magical!!!!!
This mind this you ever since that story that him ayyaaaaaaa seeeeing him hearing him waaaaays like this ayyaaaaaa this mind I tell you today charlieee khalaaaas gone I say!!!!!!
Soooo highhhh soooooo highhhhh this highhhhh on him !!!!!!
Said it before will say it again nothing no one soul in the world has this literal impact on you the waaaaay he does!!!!
Nothing in the world can make you feel like this the waaaay it just transforms you away inside out this one smileeee today and the waaaay you struggle to hold it back today!!!!!
Like you literally come back home running running just sooo you could write it out write scream this feeeel out!!!!!
The second you play something on tv and sit down finally with his music n beer to write out the first thing you see is this!!!!!
Howleeeeeeeeeee you gorgeous lil big sexy thing how onlyyyyyyyy you were missed today!!!!!!
What even Daru can’t you do awaaaay and Hooooowwwwww!!!!!!!
HIM IN WHITE 😍😍😍😍😍
This fellow one face in the world for you your pooooooora ka poooooooor heart right there i say!!!!!!!!!!!
Ayyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa moments like these!!!!!!!!!!!
One full strong flashback before and after wali feeeeeel i saaaay!!!!!!!!!!
Same song same him and ayyyyaaaaaaaa that saaaaame beauty of his!!!!!!!!!!!!
How very deliciously handsome!!!!!!!!!!!!ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
One of those beautifully ironic moemnts the only person that gets your name right Shriya, where for everybody else it's Shreya like even to spell it....nobodh gets it right but him!!!!
The way sometimes hearing your name sounds wierd when that one somebody says it nai!!
There are these sudden shifts of loving him charlie.....
Like you chat with him and all those flashes of him the sound of his voice that echoes through you as you read his chat like how his voice sounds saying the same word....to that moment when he mentions bout moving on and suddenly it's the friend shift like all of that feeeels suddenly paused in your head and now it's just talking to him with the friend feels!!!!
Atleast till the conversation!!!!!
It's when reality hits you, like post conversation it had you thinking matlab all this while the dreams moments fooled you away it was all your mind bas nothing else.....
Just your mind and you all these years nothing else!!!!!
It's that sudden hit of realisation that sort of shatters away all thise moments lived with him in dreams, making you feel something making you overlook the present situation, leaving you with a someday evry morning almost...
Something's again never made any sense!!!!!
One puzzle nai trying to find that missing piece of the puzzle, to make sense of the picture to finally understand the whole picture...!
What and how it all felt today was beyond words expressions or anything you could possibly write out!!!!!
I don't even know what you expect from me honestly, his words and suddenly you don't know how would you tell someone that one person in the world who you are that dead sure of knows what he means to you in your life!!!!!
Even back then post bup those conversations chats from Bombay and he would mention how he didn't want to get married and was the reason why he stayed away from you cause he wanted to work make something out of him and you tell him you never wanted anything as long as you had him.....
That's always been there charlie even with those arguments with your mom back then and you used to tell her the same that you didn't care bout getting married as long as you had him in your life had his love in your life!!!!!
You were a shaadi type of person pehle like one of those people who think marriage is the start and end of it all, it all changed after him ...like the meaning of life love and you in totality change after and with Him in your life...
With time and his focus on work soon the need to be with him changed too as he got busy with work and rare chats did become all Him....like that too was enough for you!!!!
Through that conversation you were hurting not because of what he was telling but because him being the only person didn't know what you wanted expected from him!!!!!
Neither could you tell him when he asked you the same, again it's that thing charlie when there's hope of the other wanting to give another chance you still try but if he had moved on there was no point in telling him it was all and just Him that you expected wanted needed hped for!!!!
It was all coming back to you like without even reading his other chats from back then the waaay just the sound of his music the recent chat to the way it all somehow felt like holding your hand taking you back in time almost journey like like from this chat to the previous one to the before that one to the one after bup to the ones from back then.....
The mind the you felt different today!!!!!
Never for once in all these years did you ever intend to make him feel that way, feel irritated with the idea of you in his life to say the least......
Kabhi lagta why coukdnt you change yourself why couldnt you just move on like you know switch the chapter page away.....still standing on the same page!!!!
There's no regret complaint or any of that sort but like his words made you rethink it!!!!
It's like you in your heart you know why it is the way it is but that thing bout theoretically thinking bit that sort of takes your mind away!!!!!
Logic i suppose, was never the way of the heart...!
To the day today no dream cause you barely slept with the whole word memory trip of his…..
Like the mind def on a weird roll and in the middle of nowhere taking some pictures of outfits and studio and this notification on your fone which till date like it’s been years now since this app on like with every fone change this one app is definitely there on your fone one of your much used ones VSCO!!
This one notification from the app that never ever before happened till date!!!!!
The state of mind to this Beauty of some words in sync…!
This thing bout dreams charlie, like you know you miss someone but living a moemnt living some feeel living a presence in a specific way makes you miss that something recall that something that same feeeel reconnect you with that same or similar memory that you may have lived!!!!
The same happened happened with this one too the way just talking to him for that long bout random things autoparts how the car works how the engine works how does an automatic gear work and stuff like that with him answering away each one of them....including dumb ones which you do doubt for real and you ask him away finally......it was your most self thighht doubt but always forget to Google it away and instead ask him away in the dream how a luxury car is still that badly wanted even if it's a two seat drive like what it makes it special and something else too....
Like talking to him asking him stuff made you miss talking to him having those conversations of curiosity with him cause you loved it and HOW!!!!!!
Every curious thing you would notice around or come across or something you've always had a doubt bout asking him away and being that sure of him having the answer to ti was beautiful!!!!
His voice sounds he would make with some laughter sarcastic comments his adooooorable childlike chuckle his silent smiles to that first tone of his voice when he hears your voice for the first time post bup.....the second you say a hello and he knew it was you when out for some holiday over the mountain where he didn't even have your number saved but just by your voice after that long too knew 8t was you!!!!!
And you end up reading the chats starting with the recent one and that feeeel shouldn't have!!!!!
It's just the waaaay it made you feel!!!!
Ekdum seee!!!!!
He didn't sound too happy bout you still being around you not having moved on and still in love with him....
It's that feeeling of thoppimg yourself away on someone is where you felt what you looked like!!!!!
A lil frustrated a lil unhappy with you still having messaged him being in love with him!!!!
But this one thing bout conversations that hidden beauty of words like he used to say when writing a script a story the lines of a story is each to its own....like the minds of reader they are all different the way they seee a story read a story is different jaise ki ab tu mera script padhi will be different to that if Soni reads it....your mind will think bout my script in a different way to the way she reads it....
And yours being first he was all that excited to see how your mind perceived his story as!!
Where to where only again it went!!!!!
This thing every single time the mind i tell you!!!!!!!
Soooo yaaah this one time when he mentions you may not like me today as I've changed and just a vice versa without mentioning the whole thing!!
How do you even explain someone it's not your own doing this what how you are is not something uove decided chose as a chouce that you made.....including your mom people around you how do you even go bout telling explaining them!!!!!!
This sudden hit of misseeeing lately that you can't hide or fight!!!!!!
Yesterday after that dream after that wait the way the mind keeps going back to that moemnt he was just bout to turn and you coodve seen him if it wasn't for the alarm in your real state....
And the mind all through the day his voice the conversations him answering away every zillionth question of yours regarding the auto parts and yet that wait he just might turn like it seemed like a long dream cause it was all of nite but in the morning it makes you wonder itvwas just that one scene one visual playing yet took all of night fr it and fir bhi you missed out on seeing him...
To this moment late at night with beer and some work conversation in the apartment premises neeche cause of the rains yesterday that smell of the rains to that visual of his playing on loop where you could just see his shoulders his back his hair bending over the car to fix it like she was discussing the work different master stuff upcoming collection and details but your mind with that beauuuuty of the weather yesterday trippin on the visuals from the dream.....and you ask her to get her laptop too so you can check on the design inspo n stuff and she leaves with her fone with you and just before leaving she tells you if you had to check something you could also do it via your business page too and laughs away and leaves.....
That's when you realise she obvsly knew something was up with you and her fone and that sharam wali feeeel i tell you!!!!!
To that self conversation mode yaa right if he sees that that page too in his elite Blocklist!!!!!
To seeing that beloved circle circling away and it was some random post of his friend kid and with formula.....
That one feeeeeeeeeeeel the second you see it first the word inception = dreams, to the second most beautiful feel Him the best dad in the world whenever!!!!!!
This one thing you've always felt the way he would care for his sister the way he used to care protect you that dad feeeelnsometimes in some moments that secure feeeel that feeel of being pampered silly by him like that one thing uove always been THAT sure of, he will make the best dad in the world!!!!!
Every single time you see something like that bout him the way it always goes back to that moment in chat from Bombay when he mentions bout the same and the waaaay he says it away, terku ek detu you take care of it, i would want you to have my kid if some day when I decide to.....
In his own wordless way telling you you would make a good one the way he sharesbthat stare that conversation with you......and just by your face chuckles away and adds time hai uske liye i don't mean immediately!!!!!
Something's you just can't help but to feeeel away!!!!!!!
Him and his zillion different most beauuuuutiful versions...!
Some dreams and the feel they can leave you with is something else!!¡!!
All of the nite this one dream continuation same visual same scene in the middle of nowhere hilly area with meadows all around and the car breaks down ...
Him fixing it in his same great tone shirt as his arri t shirt from back then....talking something to you as he fixes the car and you just live that beauuuty of him from the back view!!!!!
And this one moment as he struggles with that long hair flicks of gorgeousness you go close pin it up from the back and he just lays his face over your arm for a second and gets back to fixing the car.....
In those moments that constant wait for him to turn around just so you could see him his chukcles him going karely this karely that with conversations and your zillion questions bout the different car parts and stuff.....
The sound of the alarm very faintly that you can almost hear and you tell him jaldi jaldi and he goes bas it's almost done will be with you in few mins bas almost done almost done.....
And this strange thing you see to the side as it comes closer to you with the sound of alarm growing closer and the way it all starts to blur out as you move to the other side with that wait eyes glued on him to just turn towards you to just seeeee him as you are being dragged to the other side like almost sound waves taking you on the other side and you just see his side face with him smiling that smile and still talkingnto you something and you wake up.....
That one wait THAT one wait all night to even after the waking up to just see him today was something else!!!!!!!!
This feeeeeeling that wait still stuck on your mind!!!!!!
Like it just doesn't go away it's been a while now but something's on some days hit you differently nai.....
Today this morning's dream was one of those.....
This feeeeel even now as you relive that wait and write out!!!!!!!!
That one him in the world for you I say!!!!!!
Some dates again and this in beautifully in sync with some random illustration post!!!!
Where the picture looks like his kid version with the guitar and the baby version of his lucky!!!!!
Lucky lucky I tell you!!
Luckys birthday today and that one memory rush of a beauuutoful picture of his with lucky last year post!!!!!
Again some of the most beautiful memories of him with lucky too…
This love for some dates on the calendar…!
Some moments suddenly your mind plays on loop writing something else.....
Itsvall those moments you thought you finally have him back in your life had his love back just bout to leave and that wait for him to ask you not to that night that wait for him to ask you to stay back with him instead that evening as he holds your hand just before leaving in versova and nods away and you think he wants you to stay back and instead he mentions just 2 mins more....holds you and just stays that way there always was love charlie all yh8se moments he still loved you and yet that fear somehow to have you in his life he stayed away from....
Never made any sense!!!!!
How do you still feeeel all this love if there never was any love even today.....
It can't be just your madness alone your mind alone the moments you feel him in the way you still live him in moments his presence it can't just be your mind.....
But everytime that THAT close and yet again!!!!!!
Hisbwhsiper from that evening don't want to but have to and tus one feeeeel if it wasn't for the wrong timing!!!!
There are these ifs too what if instead of waiting for him to say it asking you to stay back what if you did stay back then there was that fear you do that maybe next time he woukdnt even meet you if you do.....
That one wait that one feeeelnevrry single time finally back.....
It's like these flashes of him from the stairs rhatvday from his versova flat laying over the couch as he holds your hand and nods away not to leave and that wait in you say it.....
Cause evry single time yohve felt his love for you it wasn't even like that was missing every single time yovve that strongly felt his love for you and HOW!!!!!!
Ek baat aaaj full mind on a different trip only!!!!
With these conversations today with mom manager and thus sudden switch to your topic....
Nobody in your life did understand you the way he did....
Not just your words that only person in your life who did understand your silences too....
That nite now that it's playing on loop on your mind today....
At his terrace trying the psy beedi for the first time where he gives you the regular one to take a puff and see and you just don't stop coughin and he chuckles over it saying terku problem hoti ye try kiye tho look at you coughin but like you just had to again the things he loved to just know what and how it felt plus your curiosity level for things!!!!
And he comes close before his sister and shows you how to take that breath in as he breathed out in your mouth and the second he moves away the waaaay it hits your mind all you could see hear feel was him like you remember almost how bad yiubhad to hold yourself away with his sister right beside you.....
That whole moment feeel in yourbhead of him felt different felt for the first time....
Even as you walk down the stairs and you just go closest to him over his neck as he was right before you ndbhe gets scared cause his sister was right before him but walking down and then slows down a lil and whispers away asking you to do it again smiling that one smileeee at you cause he could see how high you were as you keep taking his name loudly and he keeps shoiing you away to talk slow....
To just hold him touch his hand away right beside you even as he slows down walking behind his sister and walks backward lookijgnat you just 5hat need to hold him away......
Like that night that feeeel was different was for the first time you felt that way.....
It's this feeeel to think of it now cahrlie everytime that That Close and yet!!!!!!
Like evry single time you've felt closest wanting to be closest and yet again......
In your mind you were free for the first time from all that fear wanting to set yourself free....that feeeeeling the way he could sense it in you the waaay he keeps nodding away with that onesmile initially in a way trying to hold you away in ishaara the waaaay he just knew it......
This mind this feeeeeel......
Even that evening at his versova not wanting to leave waiting for him to tell you tonstay back or call you again tomo....again with that feeel of being closest f8nally again with that feeeeel he loves you now.....
Something's the mind suddenly switches andbtrips over i tell you!!!!!!!
Writing something and thus switch to another echo of his sound.....
When you talk bout you being useless hopeless back then and this one time your sister cooks something and brings iver and he loves it and then with you asks you bout what you knew to cook and you tell him you don't know a thing the waaaaay he just takes your face away in his hand and asks again kya ata karely terku and you keep nodding away saying nothing and the way he nods along saying chalta chala lenge kya kar sakte bol tu haina bas hai....
He never for once made you feel otherwise had no idea bout anything in life back then a complete noob but to him you were perfect justbthe way you were....
Iltiday even your mom talks bout taking outnthe present one cause it's in a real bad state and you tell her will talk bout it some other day....cause you know what this car with his birthday year meant to you...
U woukdnt have even thought of another one if the present one was working fine....
But something's nai this one feeel attached to it!!!!
This one too you really wanted him to drive touch.....
That moemnt today in the balcony the conversations the memories in loop that Feeeeel of him is feeeling different Aaj kal charlie.....
It just feeeels very different in a beautiful way that is!!!!!
He was that biggest supporter in your life....
Those fights with your mom over late nites with him and the way he would still be there come down and tell you they will understand some day cause we know what we share for each other they woukdnt get it and they don't even have to....
Time give them time and someday it will all be good....
It's like suddenly his words and evrything wouldnfataaak se seem better seem perfect....
Him wanting you to make something of yourself today signing that paper that one feeeeel of him why isn't he with you when the time feeels this right with this version of you today Aaj bhi in that moment coming back home kitttu sound playing on loop and you just head out to the balcony with your drink n his music along....
It's on days like these you miss him the most you had nothing at all back then u were an absolute zero difficult times at home too and yet the happiest youbhave ever been in life.....that pretty much says it all!!!!!
Today that one misseeeeing living that moment of the sunroof cause all you could feeel live was those moments on his lap him holding you away on drives looking up at him at the trees passing by on the highway.....
Like that was your ultimate peace that one home like no other.....
Like today specs details evrything goes blur all that caught your attention was the sunroof above....
Sitting in the balcony reliving those very moemnts and that very second this whiff of air strong whiff of air over the nape of your neck that strong smell of his presence.....
U were definitely a lil tipsy but not too drunk that you take it to be just your mind cause you definitely felt his presence that close to you closest to you like that day with thebdistance too in the room you felt him the closest same vibe today in that very moment with that smell of his presence and that sudden feeeeeeeeel it filled you up goosebumps to that sudden flashbacks at opera like mind felt toooooo Many things all at once.....
Suv has been something like your bachpan ka sapna literalky cause your brother used to drive one....it's this bond thatvyou shared with him over conversations bout car racing he was crazy bout being in gulf all thise years to same love for shahrukh to same food like the bond you never had with your sister cause of your differences....
She is good at evrything youve always been the Messier one and your brother wasbthe one maybe you shared the same messiness with and afyer him itvwas with him....
Like you loved your brother but the way after him strangeky you didn't remember the date April 20th brothers birthday and also the date passing away post accident!!!!
It's not something intentional but the way with him you only did b3come more of who you really were as a person....like he used to tell you bout the right n wrongs even with parents like to respect is one thing but to blindly follow something is another thing....life in general like with conversations like thes ehe did become your best friend the one person you could be messy faulty clumsoy with!!!!!
Even years after now you realise you are very different now with the way you are now be it on your own or around people lioenyou know yourself more and better now.....understand things better now!!!!!
When they talk bout yohve changed its because you've changed for the better now like your time is your time unlike before....it's these lil things that have changed you made you take a stand for yourself and know what you want in life.....
A lil celebration kinda thing over at your place with manager her friend and stuff.....
And over a drink she mentions bout how the bride today had mixed feels just like she has boutbher boyfriend and you ask her if she still had mixed feels with her wedding a month away as she was confused if she loved him....
This has been a norm with most of the to be brides and their conversation talking bout how confusing and difficult love is today....
To you it's been very simple your idea or logic with it goes what takes your attention what is it that you can't replace what is it that you find your home in what is it that takes most of your mind heart and soul away would you fill that space with somebody else it's these things that make up your soul what really defines your soul completes it makes it home like like you can point out and call it your home yes that's it....
It's that simple and yet that complicated!!!!
That first sight of him held you without seeing him to that second time when you finally see him held you again you couldn't take your eyes off him couldn't move say a word hear a word lose sense of place people and time.....
All that was there was him looking at you through the mirror tieing his shoe lace and suddenly stops doing so and instead just stares at you and that was it for you.....
Every moment with him even watching him from a distance being watched by him like the way it all made you feel every step more sure bout him in your life.....even with the distance of years now like that's one thing you are still completely sure bout that one plac of his in your life...
It's when in confusion or being lost close your eyes in that very moment you find yourself surrounded by his arms like that one space one moment closest to him surrounded by him look up him looking at you it's just that space that you see feel and suddenly all 5hat doubt confusion lostness sort of vanishes away.....
It happens when you suddenly miss him in crowd too like today them having conversations and this movie they play again the more times it goes kittuuuu your heart on your face literally where even when the sales guy mentions before your mom bout the name and she goes now this is what we will take nai!!!!
That one sound of his name like no other!!!!!!
Finally head to the studio cause the test drive guys were already there....
It's Creta and in love with it the second you see the instrument panel of the car.....the sales guy introduces himself as mam I'm Chetan Singh...
Bas does it for you that instant smile again where the manager starts to cough and jokes bout now she will definitely go with this one immediately without even goingbfor the test drive....
Smiling away looking at the car and 5he driver mentions looks like mam is already happy with the car and the sales guy you had to ask something and he again repeats mam am Chetan you can call me that and you ignore and just address as bhayya instead of his name ....
This one thing always there bas nai hotaaa everysingke time somebody with 5hat name mooh se nikalta he nai kaise nai maloom....to that moment when you see that beauty of the blue ambient all across the dashboard like heart with reasons yes this is what I want to that beauty of the instrument panel and the sales guy mentions how it's cheaper if it's not fully automatic as this one but the panel would be different and you instead insist this is the one you wanted....and out for test drive with mom the second they play the music the first song this telgu one kadalale from comrade movie that you absolutely love the very first track and the same second theybopen the sunroof above and that very first wish in that moment wanting him to drive it and you living 5hat moment of living the trees over his lap wuttvthe sun roof open above.....
Heart and wishes i tell you time reality kuch bhi nai dekte bas nikal he aate!!!!;
That vibe that feeeeel of watching the sky the trees above as the car moved with the sunroof wide open asvit was panoramic it's thise moments lived with him on drives!!!!!
Every bit of those drives those moments him holding your hand even as you usedbto fall asleep sometimes iver his lap and over a speedbraker or something he w9uild hold your hand tight to just live that feeeeel of his love for you on drives like today it did bring all that back like your heart full of him it was more like reliving him living him in that drive 5iday with that music playing....
And book it away today!!!!!!
This one big wish today after a very long time your heart made....mainly after that chat you did stop hoping for things wishing for things to do with him, today was the first time in a very long long time it did happen.....
Today the misseeeing was on a different new level afte a very long time...!
Thatvone love of his to feed you!!!!!
Today was hectic like no other day with delivery timeline delayed courier staff on leave plus had to rush it all for the test drive planned for the evening and amidst all this a friend's friend comes over for bridal appointment and through that she keeps mentioning how it was a blue themed one for the reception and she mentions itvwas her fiance's favorite color and stuff.....in your mind blue birds sound of music certain things ring his name over n over again.....like these first things that strongly associated with him!!!!!
As she keeps talking bout it you get off with same excuse of urgent call and ask the manager to handle 5he details and will come back for the final design discussion!!!!
Head out be with his music for a bit once done with it late almost evening lunch time and you were writing some documents and your manager tries to feedbthe biryani in that moment both ears plugged in his mysicband the waaaay it's his hand that you see it's him that you see in 5hat moenntbfrom that night at his place....
Over his sisters bed and him sitting beside you feeds you the biryani loking for any chicken piece still left finds a tiniest one places it over the spoon adds rice and that one smileeeee on him finding that piece for you all in all another one of those most memorable most loved ironical time.....
Where one look at you and then lost again like he that bad wanted to be around you you wantung to just be with him that night like he could sense that in you just by the way he was loking at you being around you like trying to make it better in anyway he possibly could cause he did sense you just wanted to be close to him that night.....
Which he does mention on that first call post bup too I know you wanted to be withme that night and sorry couldn't cause of chachi.....
It was more bout he knew itvwas cause of your mother's constant rush he had to step back.....and he did!!!!!
There was that something thatvyou still exchanged with him in those moments as it still was just you n him his sister sleeping the way him even standing there at the entrance you felt him that strongly closest to you even with the distance or him sitting beside you over the bed there was no touch nothing but again felt him that strongly like you felt that from him with him like it was mutual and he was intentionally being there having felt that!!!!
It was different very very beautiful it's these things charlie had no logic no reasoning why what it was but just what you felt with him for him most importantly from him was beyond!!!!!!
Today in that moemnt ther was him from that moment and you skip the lunch and just head out to concu for a bit and just be and this sky full of his white birds in that very moment to that sound fo Coldplay song..,..it's that beauuutiful flow of some moemnts that you can't ignore can't take them to be random....
Almost magic like!!
That one time and you have the best most beautiful memories of his even with the distance!!!!!
Morning today starts wit the THE dream of his felt him away tooooo much like you get off and that one smile where you really wish you could've just stayed home cause the second anybody sees you and that very first question you are smiling toi much today what's up mom to manager to the staff even having the talk with your manager asking how come mam looks too happy today cause the Him on your mind playing on loop....
Everytime he comes on a zoomed up mode with MIMENTS like those just that feeeeel of him over you stays and HOW !!!!!!
it was like he was there to show you make you feel how much he stil loved you his whispers touch everything bout it said it all and how!!!!!
To that same zoned out shy him high state of mind you forget the towel out and after when you realise standing there smiling again cause of that fone call of his from bangalore kareeelyyyy i left my towel out am nanga what do I do give me some idea no and you ask him bout his surrounding and he tells it's windows evrrherre and there's a window or building right infront like if he comes out lile that anybody would see him and you joke bout it saying how lucky they just got and his chuckleeee ayyyaaaaaaaaaa that one adooooooorable thing he was i swear!!!!!!
Like he stands there that way you commenting over him how he managed the fone inside but left the towel out and you ask him be daring n just rush out n in and him that adooooorably still asking aur agar koi dekh liya toh and you convince him the best cause the waaaaay he sounded over that call that day charlie like you wish you could just runnnnnn to him and you tell him you'll be with him on the fone and just rush out n back with u on the call still does it and back.....hangs up saying will call back again thand lagri!!!!!
That one call and that feeeeeeeeel it left you with another one of those firsts where the mind running high on imagination and he knowing that well bout your strong visual asks you mind mustvhave been running no all that while when I was talking to you!!!!
But the beauuuty of that call was to be with him in that moment to just live that version of him that need to be there with him it was one hilarious moment but to him izzat ka sawaal it was and he just wanted to get out of that situation and still wanting you to be on call with him through that!!!!!
This morning similar situation thank God for that habit like his locking the door away of your room when away for shower.....
It's like mind was already that happy shy high on him and to add to that was that moment the waaaaaaaaay these things bout him make you feeeel the state of mind they leave you with is beyond words!!!!!
Yesterday in that conversation your mom also did mention bout you having changed.....like the way she mentioned it he did change you completely!!!!
Which he definitely did...!
Last two weeks this one strong misseeeing him that you cang fight or hide away from no matter what the waaaay he is just there dreams moments through yourbday conversations his whispers random most things but the way you just feeel him and that one film of his only added that bit of meaning to it...
It's like you know you love someone why you love them and stuff but in your situation the way it just that beautifully took you back to why he stil meant the way he does in your life.....why you've changed why it all still means that much to you why his place him still the priority in your life!!!!!
He did mention in the chat open up to someone else start dating and stuff if only you could tell him cause in situations conversations like these even if you do when the other isn't interested it sounds and gets all pushy there's no point!!!!!
And you just leave it at that!!!!
It's like his film got back evrything right from the start what you shared with him was beyond anything else!!!!!!
Wasn't ordinary!!!!!!!
Today a like this one ever since that film the waaaaay lilst of things bout him rush through you it's like reminding you reconnecting with the most loved time of your life with the most loved person of your life!!!!!
Today one of those days agun where you felt THAT much him rush through your day right from the very start...
Adoooooooeeeeeeee uouuuuu nooooo iii loveeeeee u moerreeeeee!!!!!!
When’s ur heartttttttt thisssss fuuuullp of him this ineeee dayyy it’s tienredd out to bee!!!!!he is justgeee there’re chalieeeee in every big momenttte like tgeseee!!!!!
I adooooeeeeeeee uouuuuyyyy!!!!!!!razaaaaak miyaaaaa u secxyeeee lil beiggg beauuuuteful thing I syaaaayyyyy!!!!!
Razaaaaaakhhhhh miyaaaaa yummmm abhii ke abhiiiiii ittteeeeeeee zoooor zoooorseeeee yaad maaaare!!!!!!
AyaaaaaAaaaaaa moments like these!!!!!!!
Abhiiii ke abhiiiii uskuuuu chummmiii feeeel ho jaanaaaa bas!!!!!!!!!!
Howleeeeeeee you beauuuuutoful lil adooooooorable big thing I sayyyy!!!!!!!
Some words and that one woooooosh bolke all feeeels it hits you away amidst one hectic tight on Schindler day and HOW!!!!!!
Who even comes up with stuff like these for real!!!!!!!
Another incident last week this one staff had been to the village after an year and he comes back with surma saying it's for your mom as a token of respect to bring back something from the village as itvwas very popular the most popular surma in India kinda thing....
That second you see it some visuals charlie this strong when your manager gives it to you see it and that very second Him....this one meet was one of the most beautifully ironic meets!!!!!
Everytime you write or relive this one meet that one feeel it fills you up with every single time!!!!!
He had just come back from Kashmir after a family holiday and you were at his place with his sister....him in his room for all that while doesn't come out only after a while you downstairs with his sister eating something and he finally comes down getting down the stairs looking at you by his face he was a lil high too that one look staring without a blink to that shyy high lilst smile on him and you knew he was a lil high.....
Comes down and sits across the table and the first thing asks you pooran poli khaati asks bhupal to make the same for you....his sister asks him he had to head somewhere no and he nods saying a no will go after a while....
That one day charlie moemnt after moment this clear in your head cause you felt his love for you the most on that day like all of him telling you screaming away at you how much he loved you and yet!!!!!!!
Pooran poli comes and he asks bhupal why there was no ghee over it brings the bottle adda that ghee bhar bharke over it spreads it well and gives you....
Coukdbt take the eyes off him that day maybe you knew!!!!!!
Cause usuallu with his sister both of you would avoid staring at each other like openly before her but that day was different be it him or you.....just making the most of the presence of each other!!!!!
To that time when his sister starts to talk bout how beautiful kashmir was and stuff and him looking at you asks her to bring down the surma and she tells him that it was the last one left for his friend and he insists on getting it and gives it to you ye tere liye !!!!!!
That day he just didn't look away like his eyes glued on to you for the first time before his sister that itself felt different in the most beautiful way it was ironic like that made you sense something was different like he was making the most of your 0resence that day....just bout to leave and he tells you to come along with that one look like he that bad wanted you to and his sister mentions bout dropping you home instead and heads to chachis room....
Him still looking at you and you instead walk with him till the car standing there just comes close to your ear and whispers away i don't want to but have to, takes thebcar out tail light blinking him looking at you through the rear view waiting there like he waits for still loking at you quite some time.... Off he went!!!!!
Mind where to where only it went!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are a zillion questions in your head that have no asbolute answers same goes to the one asked by your mom!!!!!!
Nobody can possibly get inside your head and actually see the life the way you feel it live it.....hence they don't just get it why it's not possible for you!!!!!
Something as lil as got ready in the evening to head out to shop a few things wearing chappals and your mom pulls your Jean asking why wear such a thing it's the recent love for these baggy wide leg ones and she finds it strange but in that moment in that pull comes him along.....
Sitting on his bed in his other house meet tuck bolke flips away the end of your tee grabs n pulls you closer by the waist band of your jeans....
Ye kyaaa hai itaaa loose kaise pehnti pulls a lil more closer as you just let him be n do what he wants without saying a word just living that beauuuty of him in that moemnt.....
There was that love of another level only when he corrected you got mad at you got possessive like these things you absolutely adored him in cause his face charlie like you gottaaa see that face that tone of his voice in moments conversations actions like those!!!!
Still watching him check how big it was and him being that one adotaaabke item that he is one fold two fold thre fold and then shows you how big and loose it was on you ye itnaaa tight karna maloom looks up at you still watching him and asks you kya dekhri aur hasri ye kya jeans hai even wrijtng it now this one feeeeel!!!!!!
Today as your mom in that moment pulls the Jean that one him in that moment you smile and nod away and she asks you why you smiling at but in your head he was already on play and on loop and HOW!!!!!
To the sound of kittuuuu and you know the magic of the Youdays i tell you!!!!!
There is this wait now just to check if he is back on WhatsApp it's weird after that chat specially but lately like you can just feel it it feels different very different on the inside like that strong feeeeel!!!!
To that wait for the laal circle and for that you ask 5he manager if she had plans to come over aaj.....
Missering is strange nai waaaays it looks for to fill it up....
From that long wait of his music almost evry other day hoping there's some track been longest and yet kuch adat nai badalte nai!!!!!
Sorting out a few papers single beer mildest high and your mom watching some movie and the sound Kittuuuu!!!!!
Even before you look at the screen your mom that very second looks at you just knowing that well what that one word means to you!!!!
Get off like lietralky off n closer to the tv it was the Shahid movie sons name kittu and that one feeeeel charlie THAT one feeeeel everytime it goes kittuuu mind that beauuuuuutifully overloaded with flashes of that one kitttuuuu!!!!!
This one sceme where the female character asks Shahid kittu or me and your mom that very second you know this one thing I never had a doubt about back then or now years after if it was me or him.....seeing you with him or just the way he was with you looked at you i always knew it's Him before anybody in your life...just when you were a lil happy with the conversation it goes to the much other popular topic in your house but how long will you be like this and go on like this!!!!!
Get off head to the balcony and just be....
There's that different level of Khushi charlie it's things you always knew but then to hear it from somebody else after years when your mom says the way he used to look at you the way you were with him like she always knew he will be your priority...
The sound of his name and the waaaay it brings back a zillion memories be it him telling that adooorablu to your mom you can call me kittu from now on cause my family calls the same or that one time when you call him kittu and he asks you notnto cause he wanted you to be the only one that had some other nickname for him it's these lil lil things he would come up with, this mostly in his kid version of him....
Like that sudden switch to his kid mode of him.....
His logics and his way of love.....
Be it driving back home with his sister in her car ahead and him talking bout how well she was driving dekh dekh kya chalari meri behen that sense of pride in his tone to that other one being for you when you do the same hairdo for his sister and she comes back home and he asks her the first thing shriya banayi baal and when with you dropping back home asks you not to do it again the same one....
Smiles at you and then goes on there are these things karely i want it in my head as with that one someone like that one hairdo just you my sister mostly hair open it's weird no and then goes on with that smile again.....
To the times when eating food chicken it was giving you the best piece from his plate as his sister heads to the kitchen for pickle or something and ftaaak se gives you the piece and when his sister returns she noticed it and asks you bhayyaa Diya na terku and him screaming away in that cuuuteeeeeee kid tone voice terku thoda expression control karna nai ata.....
It's feeeeeling very strange since last two nites this random neeed to just write him away.....lilst of him just this weird neeed donnoo why!!!!!!!
It's this misseeeing getting weirder!!!!!!
The sound of his name and this smileeeeee won’t go awaaaay I saaaay everytime it goes kitttuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!
Ayyyaaaaaaaaaa that one cutiieeeeeee kittttttuuuuuu krishnamurthyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you find this random beauty of a sound and the first wish person that hits your mind like always - HIM!!!!!
For more reasons than one!!!!
First n foremost for his love for music knowing he would've loved this one!!
Second even more important is just one of those wishes with some specific sounds with vibes to live him live that beauty of him with the sound playing in the background...
The second the guitar string strikes that one wish missed out on watching listening to him play the guitar.....these jam sessions live sessions specially you love there is that pure beauty of watching something being created from nothing to this piece of magic.....
This whole vibe created with random sounds this beautifully in sync together...
To that sound of the birds everytime be it in some track or mornings or evenings just before heading home the way it always always brings back that morning with him post bup...
When a day before he randomly messages you asking for a Google chat early morning hours and tells you that tomo the first thing in the morning I want to see is you soon as I wakeup...
Some sounds charlie come with that echo of a memory tied together!!
Back then when together his usual demands some mornings a nite before him telling first thing I wanna see is you in the morning like the first face first any thing that i see soon as I'm up has to be you!!!!
Somehow manage and he comes over to open the back gate of his house and that one smileeee tingggg bolkeee on his face!!!!!
Soon moment a two and ekdum se he just holds you and sleeps away.....cause it had been barely 2 hours since the chat and then to be with him so he barely had slept and the second you try to move a lil away just so you could see his face clear the waaaay he just pulls you back closer to him nodding away saying a no not to move away from him.....that same nod of his that same sleep talk of his like he used to back then over calls at nite......
Moments like these seeing that same him with that feeeeel with that rush so nothinf really did change after all that one beautiful feeeeeel to just live those moments of silent love charlie all of this to just that sound of the birds chirping over his window...
Annnndddd this one word whilst watching any movie in subtitles birds chirping in your head it always sounds like birds chippying :D Some sounds some logics wya beyond your head!!!!
Just like this one random one and yet again like everytime brings back that THAT much him!!!!!!!
Mind with these beautiful highs n lows on a Youday like this one again today!!
The weirdest magical most soulful sunshiney soul of your life i say..!
The poooora complete heart and soul of your life!!!!!!!
This mind that HIM!!!!!!!!
Years of missing and yet something out of nowhere brings along a never before kinda misseeeing like this THIS one tonight!!!!!!
Flashes of him memories of him moments of him sound of his voice sound of his chuckle any to every lil thing bout him and this mind with this flow!!!!!!!!!
If only he had the slightest idea feeel or anything at all how much is he missed i swear charlie!!!!!!!!!!!
Told you the mind feeels very different today this beauuuuutiful Him trip the mind is on!!!!!!
If only there was a way to scan away the thoughts i say!!!!!
It's like you are loving thise whole trip of writing him today......always did but today feels different!!!!!
The very first time in search of a temple when he takes you out and takes the ou Galli being very forest like and you just look at him without saying anything and that one adoooooooorable chuckle of his telling you you are safest with me trust me on that!!!!!
Every bit of his that true, you felt the safest with him it's that comfy cosyy vibe that you feel in your most fav spot at home playing your most fav track to chill to in your most worn soft comfy pair of clothes mind at most ease and relaxed chilled at its smoothest best - HIM, all and more bout all these vibes put together!!!!!
Today when you out in crowd temples malls on the escalator some handclose to yours walking through the restaurant in rush it's that constant discomfort unease state of mind ...its not fear necessarily but just that discomfort!!!!
With him same places itvwas that feeel of being set free in crowd amidst people same places malls temples corwd rushes and still at most ease just one look charlie that makes you feel safe.....
It's that feeeel charlie am exactly where I wanna be wala feeel every single time one look up at him.....in crowds sometimes mostly in crowded lifts to the basement to the mall you used to just look at him and smile and the way he would ask in ishaara what or just look around thinking someone was close and you just nod away a no and just smile and the way that faaatak se he would find a sec to chummi you away.....
It was that beauty of simplest of moments of love like you don't need big things in life charlie that makes you feel content safe happy feels like home to feel love and loved , it's just lilst of something does it all for you.....like you just know it in you this is it bolke!!!!!
Howleeeeeeeeeeee the most beautiful human ever I say!!!!!!!!!
Everytime you live that beauty of his like this, you did sure get THAT lucky in life!!!!!!!!!!
Waaaay too much feels tonite!!!!!
This very state of mind that you've been since morning from being that proud of how far he has come to living that dream of his visually!!!!!
To this feeeeel of living that beauty of just HIM!!!!!!
to the versova meet senses that initially you were a lil uncomfortable it was different a different city just him and you all by yourself again after a long distance and the way after sometime slowly lays his head over your lap and then looks at you if you were okay and you feel his hair feel hisbface his details his eyes nose his beauuuuuuuutiful forehead and then just takes your hand holds closer to him andbtells you I missed this I really missed this couldn't do this with anybody.....
Soon as he mentions it typical you and ting bolke your mind so he did other things then the very next second one look at him and suddenly anything else like always didn't matter or bother your head...
Just him living that moemnt living that presence that one beauuuuty of him it's like the first time evry time with distance initial pause and then it plays and how!¡!!!!
It's that feeeeel charlie now when you recall those very first moments at opera in his arms expericing feeling that fear disappear feeeling that feeel for the first time liking it loving it wanting it with him living that space that feeeel with him....
It's like now when you think of it it's where your soul belonged right there in his arms it's that space 5hat you couldn't share see it with anybody else.....
Like who fix ho gaya thaa waiseich!!!!!
Bas this is it bolke.....
It's that feeeeel that you neeeeed to feeel like from your core that sense of longing belonging that need of your core to be there in that very presence like all of you feeeling that way without a doubt it's like yes this is where I wanted to be want to be like your home that one home where your soul belonged....just cause the way it makes you feel seeing that face living that presence how you your body mind and soul feels speaks to you!!!!!!
HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
