Him!!!!!

 Lilst of things to do with him and the levels of happiness it brings you fataaaaak se!!!!!!

That one face in the world in moments like these!!!!

Watching this Jennifer movie and this one scene!!!!!

Smoke ringssss ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that ONE FACE I sweaaaaaar he used to make soon after making them with that wait of your expression knowing how much you loooooved him doing it or the first time just knowing you that well that for the first time itself definitely knowing you will love it bolke!!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you gorgeous gorgeeeeeeeous lil big sexy thing how only you were missed abhiiiii k abiiii!!!!!!!!

Sound of magic…!

 It’s a beauuuuuutiful beauuuuutiful madness the waaay some sounds bring him along and HOW!!!!!!!!

Gulmohar!!!!!

 This loooooooove for gulmohars!!!!!!

Adding more gulmohars at the studio probably the second best thing ever somethings and the amount of sudden Khushi visually they can bring along is beeeeeyond words!!!!!!

Every single time the visual of Gulmohar brings him and his face along and how!!!!!!

Him picking em out for you and that one face of his soon as he watches your excitement over it…am sorted can get these more often for you and that’s when you didn’t even know it’s love the waaaay it just made him that happy seeing you happy over gulmohars…

This very moment now this Khushi and that Him I swear!!!!!

Andddd it makes it to your phone ka wallpaper fataaak se!!!!!

Soul window!!!!!

 Like that was the start of love for capturing saving moments away even be it trees from the dreams or his book from school like anything that had that sense of him you loooved to capture…..today when you sit there and hear them compliment over how you were working on images like these from a phone and also directing the shots and poses like all could feeel live was him……it’s these moments the way they always take you back to the start like how it all started this love to capture moments him in places n things with his absence and then work related now with portraits she adds something like you bring out the beauty in people where the same model doesn’t look that great in other projects the way she does in your shoot….

It’s how you see things charlie like he had said put your heart into it it’s like everytime the first time you start the shoot with first image there’s always his face that you see from that very moment every single time…

Pictures photography that beautiful window to the soul it’s not what you see it’s how you see them that makes all the difference and this art of him and his photography is also something you miss the most sometimes even writing now the waaaay that very moment rushes through you!!!!!!!

Like every single shoot something’s you just can’t help it bas aise he woooosh bolke there he is and that fataaaak smile on your face and you proceed with the rest of them……

There are some immeasurable ways and times you miss him in and with it’s just tooooo toooooooo much missing lately charlie like today too on your way back this rush of him like before everything else he loved you just the way you were with nothing you were specially when you think someone is your friend now and eventually the purpose comes out that clear like today!!!!!!

To these feeeeels of just missing all of him his words his eyes his smiles n nods his hands fingers palm of his hand the hair on his hand that daaaaadi n forehead of him his ayyyaaaaaa deliciously yummmmm momo nosie his pouty lips to just his sound saying your name over n over again!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!! This mind I swear!!!!!!

Window to your soul…!

 To this day today when the manager and this another influencer friend plan evening out at her place over drinks…..and this time you stick to your one bottle cause you know you messed up last time by day dreaming him amidst people so this time you were well prepared and this conversation to another conversation leads to the photography about you and your pictures and directing the image and movements for portrait cause you recently did with another influencer friend of yours…..

Like she talks bout how there were some friends of hers working on their first movie protects and asked her who worked on her pictures and if they could get that done too and she did confirm on the female and somehow adds there was this guy too who is working on his first project and asked if you could shoot for him and somehow knowing you how much I have I knew you wouldn’t do that for a guy project and rechecks with you the same……

That very moment that lil inside conversation was that that evident in your actions and you nod away saying yes for the female one to which picture was the first one you’d clicked and there he comes and howwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!

There were these mani Ratnam tracks playing in the ball ground you were high on the strongest beer you’d ever had single one bhi and that very moment that beauuuuuuuty of him over the flyover the very first picture you ever clicked in Life was His and from his phone……

It was that feeeeeel charlie as he shows you how to use the camera as he thought you were clicking something else and instead you click his cause you did discover the beauty of capturing moments with him from him his way of love to capture you in some very special moments and the after feels it always used to leave you with like it all was rushing through you in that very moment as you take your fone and head downstairs in the lobby and just be with his music and his visuals playing on loop and you just sit here with eyes shut……

Some moments nai charlie just like that woooosh bolke suddenly you are in the most loved time of your life eyes shut and there he was smiling shyllllly away and that one moment when he finally looks into the camera and let’s you take his picture!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you beauuuuuutoful lil big adooooorable thing how only you were missed abiiiii k abhiiiii again slightest bhi if you knew I swear!!!!!!!

Biggest fan!!!!!

 Definiiiitely his biggest fan ever since Him!!!!!!

Way he talks walks sounds looks his any to every sense of existence biggest fan ever and then to visually live his work was something else!!!!!!

That one strong something feeel like on your way back you take a longer route home playing over his music with that loop of visuals from that evening in your balcony as he talks bout his love and passion for films to asking what yours was and you just look at him and that adoooorablu chuckles over apart from me and you tell him about how much wanted to pursue animation and that close to it as bhayya had plans for your studies in animation and after it never really happened and the way he talks about YouTube and online learning of the same like this whole conversation bout wanting to be something big having his name on the big screen making good films writing good stories and to yours wanting to see you achieve something in life by adding I know have seen if you put your heart into something you turn it beautiful like you did with yourself working at the gym when I used to watch you or by coming into my life it was that one strong belief of his charlie the ways his words were coming back to you that day post movie……

His face that beauuuuutifully lit up as he was sharing his future with you to imagining and making your envision yours lil did you know his very words would come true someday and like this!!!!!!!

Something’s you write and this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it suddenly overloads you with in this very moment!!!!!!!!

To live…!

 To live someone as you love them, this art of loving someone this way of loving someone was something you did learn from him cause that was exactly how he loved you…something’s again you write and re read it it hits and hurts you on another level nai that blink of realisation of something like that……..in past tense!!!!!!

Exactly what you’d felt writing the moemnt out about having to watch his first film and his words over the Skype call saying those very words and then to landing back to the other recent chat and his words again that one huge wall of difference and it’s also times like these when this world of dreams and moments is one world and this one the other that he actually made it clear with you about!!!!!!

But despite of all this there is this still strong connection that makes you keep going back to how and what it makes you feel like that same him in dreams literally talking sharing his love for you in actions and words sometimes…

Soooo yaaaah back to movie…….

Been working on lil lil changes on the interior front as the shoots are mainly indoors now so changing redoing up a few corners had you all tied up and couldn’t manage sometime out and finally when you do the very first thing that you thaaaat badly wanted was to see this film of his that he had edited and the second the movie starts to that first scene of bangles on her hand the white n red the same white bangles that he had got for you from Bangalore……the waaaaay it fataaak se brings that smile on you and that strange feeeeling of something that beautiful His presence…

To as you watch more that feeeeeeeling charlie was a beauuuuty beyond words he was here his hands all over the work it’s his work his edited crafted his handcrafted something first to watch it on big screen just like he talked about a decade back…..

It just felt very very beauuutifully different thought it wasn’t his directed one or written one but it was his work charlie his handcrafted something something that he had his hands on he was right there in that very same place his jazzy sock story as it’s raining out from that very place like it all rushes through you manager asking something and then commenting how she’d never seen you watch any movie like that before……

Cause it actually felt like that heart swelling away with pride and that much joy like you wish you could get off head over to the screen and just hold hug it away screaming it’s his work to the wait for the end credits some Rao to assistant some vishal and you still wait doesn’t happen……

And that inside lil conversation same feeels ye log sab yahi hai kaam koi aur Kare naam kisi aur ka like sometimes the same happens with you too outfits yours and the name these so called celebrity’s tag is of the stylist but overall that one feeeeeeeel charlie like it was that experience of visually living his dream his words and with that much Khushi rushiiiiiiing through you recalling reliving his face his words of someday karely someday….

Beyond you…!

 There are things that are just that beautifully beyond you and beyond any logics or reasonings and things to do with him in your life has just been that ever since him right from the very start…

When you feeeel something so much and this beautiful!!!!!

But first the very first movie that he had his hands on basically was this one cause you didn’t couldn’t see his actual one blue canvas for obvious reasons…when you go on writing and deleting a few times and eventually write it out with that echo of his words you’ll be the first one to see it but I won’t be able to let you watch the movie poora at one go the way it sounded like he would want to be with you whilst you watch his first……

Something’s nai out of nowhere aise he !!!!!!

Sooooo yaaaaaa this one was special in ways more than one…

Him Magic…!

 He is maaaagic just that beauuuuuutifully magic!!!!!!

His whole existence one beautofullllllest form of magic that you miss the MOST and only thing you miss in life!!!!!!!

Miss and howwwwwwww!!!!!!

Last few days that version of you with him did come back to life after a very long time and it all got beyoooond your control to tame it away and the waaaaaaays you struggled to get back to normal there was that beauuuuutiful him storm on the inside and then having to pretend to be normal on the outside was a struggle beyond limits!!!!!!!

Switch music for a day or two and avoid writing out the mind cause it was only making it that beauuutifully worse!!!!!!

Then it happens all over ahhain this morning the wAaaaaaaaaays he comes charlie ayyyaaaaaaaaaa that one sleeeeepy face lips pouting away a lil more like that’s when you know he has the sleep face on when his lips go all pouty eyes almost shut twitching away the nose a lil more knowing that was also one of your most adoooored expressions of his and yet amidst all of it there’s that one smileeeeeeeee of his when he realises you are that lost in him and living away his beauuutiful details even with his sleep face on ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa mera poooora heart I saaaaaay pooora ka poooooora heart right there on his face!!!!!!!

To these moments this morning like you just couldn’t stop smiling replaying it al on loop and then the workout got worse with no good music finding today post stretch too that one wait to find that one track with all him vibes is when you miss his music uploads the mostest aaj kal!!!!!!!

To this one track of his and the waaaaaaay that very him holding chappals jn his hand that lost beauuuuutiful sleeeeepy face lips al pouty and slowly comes and holds you away with that one beauuutiful sigh over your shoulder!!!!!

Like all of the moves and postures today the waaaaay all those moments of living that version of him rush through you!!!!!

Like at one point you just stop the moves and just lay there with eyes shut and reliving that beauuuuuuuty of him at that hour…pure magic charlie that mosttttt beauuuutofullest wildesstt version of magic I say laced with that hint of innocence across his face……..

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that loooooooove for eating away his pooora face when he used to come looking like that at that golden hour of the nights almost morning……

To that very same face through moments from this mornings dream same face with that gorgeousness of his daaadi!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you sexy lil big adoooooooooorable thing how only uou were missed again I say!!!!!!!!! 

This mind this face can’t stop smiling I say ayyyaaaaaaaaa said it before can say over that one face in the world for you!!!!!!!

Wiiild in the head!!!!!

 Since 2 days having to be at a film studio set for some fittings for this actor who has repeatedly messed up with the collab taking outfits after insisting repeatedly and then avoiding the deliverables and post this shoot requests you to style and direct this final shoot for deliverables as per ur requirement so you had to be there and the second you are there looking around and realising how much of effort and hard work goes behind in making a film which he used to talk about that often and by the end of it it’s that easier for the public to decide the fate of it in easy words hit or flip!!!!!

To these conversations with him about you being on the set of his film and yih tell him you would love to and he nods away saying a no and adds that he would love you to be at the premises not on set cause he doesn’t like the crowd himself and the stares since past days at the location say it all away!!!!!

To just seeing his work updates and it swells your heart away with that much pride with the recent one being of honey your used to choice of music back then is his latest work stuff it’s like reliving his talks all over again bout his passion and love for it…

To this other side charlie and you’ve always felt this this thing bout intimacy feeling like this whilole feeeeel of being feeeeling like a woman in these ways like you see a zillion people around stares and stuff and a zillion more faces and with it being this long not having felt and lived this side of loving someone by touch smell taste and sense for real it’s but natural to feel it by slightest of something but never for once be it anybody or any visual did this ever happen but just anything to evrythung to do with him it only comes along and howwwwww!!!!!

This time it was after a very long time with these tracks the waaaays it did bring back those lilst of moments lived similar to the words from the tracks that you somehow never relived until now the way those deep down hidden away moments have come alive and how!!!!!!

Like left you thissssssss wild in the head like you are struggling to look behave pretend to be normal on the outside it’s that neeeed to just be away from it all and live this side of you or just wait till it feels normal…..but for that you need to find something else to listen to and stop listening to these on loop but charlie honestly to relive these moments with this tracks was something you somehow almost forgot cause the waaaaay they did bring back the nuances of the meets nuances of his facial expressions his body movements and transitions this clearly lilst moment after moemnt again writwig it now ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this mind I swear!!!!!!!!!

Soooo bad!!!!!

 How you wish you were down by a drink to just write it out I swear!!!!!!!

The wayaaaaaaaa he actually came this morning to this very mkennt even in the morning waking up and not finding him still was most difficult for to understand and make sense with it!!!!!

His eyes his touch his him evrythung on loop from these moments!!!!!!

It’s this line of difference charlie from all of that and then suddenly it’s just you on the bed looking for him wondering what just happened how suddenly it all disappeared and back to normal all around with his absence…….

Like it takes a few mins for you to make sense be it this morning or sometime back now to realise it was a dream this morning too you had to rush to work cause of some styling commitment but you still get that lil timeout to stretch just so you could relive him again doesn’t happen but the waaaaaaay that face of his that expression that sound of his from this morning stays with you all day long like you struggle to have a straight face on with that THAT much him rushing through you like he actually left a switch on and you still had to pretend like it was all normal and you were all ok and present in that moment of discussions and finalising……

It’s this thing charlie when it comes to this side of living and loving him and the after affects of it it leaves you with like you just can’t immediately get back to normal cause you are stillllllll that high on all him like aaj tho it was heights when you could still smell him from this mornin moments today at the Film studio meet like you are sitting there people around manager saying something but visually sound wise feeeeel wise scent wise alll you could see hear feeeeel smell and live was just him!!!!!!

Like evrythung else around didn’t even exist all you could see live was his from this morning her voice goes dead over your ears his sound just his sound from the moments playing on loop!!!!!!

Even writing it now reliving it again thisssssaaaa feeeeeeeeel!!!!!!!

Shiver rushing!!!!!

 Is it normal to feel this way what and how you are feeling right now!!!!

A moemnt a prsence that strong that leaves you with this beauuuuutiful shiver still!!!!’

It’s this been this way almost since that very same dream this morning too to this moemnt mins back the waaaaay his presence made you feeeeel all this away!!!!!

There are tooooo many way toooo many things on mind to write out but in this moment here this music playing with him rushing through and the moments playing on loop like this half way through the sleep like it actual mein wakes you up wide n bright cause when he comes like this I swear this mind it leaves you with… even with eyes shut!!!!!

It’s been hectic 2 days and throug that to hold this mind away has been the most complicated thing to deal with….your face your expression this smile this something this beautifully solid of him rushing through you your body language evrythung about you felt like what and how you used to be with him back and after that waking talking that same way on the inside like this mind lately the way it keeps going back to the moemnts relived of him with these songs………

Touch n sound!!!!!

 Some moments you just can’t get over and can’t literally write out but the waaaaaay this one ceeeel and touch of him not just his hands around n over to the scent of him all around and thaaaaaat sound of him that literally makes you shiver and shake you up with that level of something and look around for him and realise it was a dream a moment THAT strong and then realise it was raining again his music playing tv movie on and head out with that rush of him still rushing through you saving the before n after moments cause this was something else even writing n reliving him that touch that sound of him that strongly real like…

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeee you grogeoooooooous lil big adooooorable sexy thing how only you were missed abhi k abiiiiiii!!!!!!!!

SundaaayYous!!!!!!

 When it goes from Sunday blues to Sunday yous ayyaaaaaaaaa moennfa like these and this sudden rushhhhhhhhh u wake up with him and to the sound of the rains strangely it feels like 2009!!!!!!!!!!

BEAUTIFUL MADNESS!!!!!!!!!

Morningssssss!!!!!!

 This weather this mindddddd and ayyyaaaaaaaa that him!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaa the way slightest of him used to do that much away how do you even deal with THIS much him rushing through you like evry track brings over a memory that was somewhere there like fataaaak se that visual visuals one track after the other brings along it’s like these slides of visuals of him at his Dd space one visual after the other with one word after the other……

Waking up with no dream and this waiiiit like bas aaj tho you had to live him away like you can’t stop listening to these and can’t stop trippin on this side of him!!!!!!

Almost done but you skip the rest and jump to the stretch and manager comes over few calls n stuff and literally push her out in between like you just had to play this track and strangely today you were feeling yourself away through the moves for the first time and yet this one leg stretch upwards and that same feeeeeeel like yesterday it was like you knew could sense it the waaaaay the smile on you still there through the moves somethjngs are beauuuutofully crazy beyond logics…….

Today through this move one line the waaaaaaay another visual of his comes through again something’s you can’t write out this one being one of those like somehow the guts still come out in action one drink down !!!!!!!

How these tracks are bringing over these beauuuuutiful versions of him visuals of these moments with that sudden feeeeel ya no saw him that way yaaa right lived and looooved him that way too…….it’s like today throu the moves you were lost in the track with eyes shut and living him from that day at his space almost laying over looking you in the eye and wanting you to do the same as him like just by the stare asking you to follow his moves………

This minfdddd right now even writing it out now!!!!!!!!

Chippy you were missed if you only knew man I swear!!!!!!!!!

How to deal with this new you lately like smiling away feeling yoruself away for the first time and another fist time thing with him lived somehow!!!!!!!

Like how

 Like how are these songs even bringing these deeeeo moments along that you don’t recall reliving recently like unclosw ur eyes out here balcony with the scent in the air this song in ears and there’s that moemnt that face that something new that comes along and the aaaaay it’s like this string together one ting after the other one chord of the string to the others staring to play and howwwwww

Ayaaaaaaaa miiiiiyaaaaaaaaa tummmm kaisaaaaaa waissssaaaaaaaaaaa yaaaaad areeeeewws zaraaaaa if u had the idea I swear geeeeeliesttttt chummmmi poooora tumpeeee lagjaaanaa abiiii k abiiiiiii alll poooora hed to toe I say!!!!!!!!

Sudden feeels!!!!

 Now the daruuu hitting slowly slowly!!!!!!

Soooo many feeeels moments still to live stil to discover in him about him some sounds and this imagmmaaaation they are leaving you with!!!!!!!!!

Ayyaaaaaa uskuuuu aisaaa bhi deknaaa thaaa waisaaa biii karnaaaa thaaa with more words are coming more wishes some tracks aurely hanikarak for the mind I say as you kurcho more!!!!!!!

This you!!!!

 When you’ve been living this you lately since this music the way it was like opening up a book of that version of him that version of his love for you to the moments that come along with and to the sound…….

One funny incident today when you are that lost in this one track on loop and suddenly walkins commenting something and walks out and is when you realise the transition happening on the inside the comment was the way you were sitting!!!!!!for reasons!!!!!

It’s like constant goosebumps flashes of him rushing through you with the sound that one constant and you just wish there was some way to either put a belt on your mind imagination or just make you stop listening to it just cause the waaaaaaaays it’s making you feel and live him away on a constant mode……

His words his stares him answering your questions doubts away to mentioning away some day some moment you better be prepared and a zillion more words it was like living that side of love with his words and now decade later to the words of the sound the waaaay it still brings along his words moments and his facial expressions as he shares the details with you………

This you hidden deep down inside living another version all this while and suddenly it’s this you that used to live feel set free with him suddenly awakened and HOW!!!!!!!

A you after a very very long time and all it took was a sound that had the most beauuuuutiful him vibes like every single detail expression of his comes along with different tracks and words…

Sound of Him…!

 U just have to have to have tooooo find some other music soon to trip on him cause this oneeeeeeeeeeeee I sweaaaaaar allllllll feeeeeels waaaay toooo many feeeels that some how lay deep down and suddenly have been all woken up and how fully awake kinda find this was!!!!!!

To this misssssing the more you find to leading to someeeee imaginations to things he had mentioned some point shared some point just feeeeeeels waaaay tooooo many of it and you just CANT STOPPPP!!!!!

It’s also one of those sounds that’s your secret alone cause you can’t let share with someone else and also have to pause soon as somebody enters the studio like jsut for your ears alone kinda beautiful secret sound that has the mosttttttttttttt beauuuuuutiful him vibes in more ways than one…

This mind this you all of you inside out ever since this discovery!!!!!!!!!

Mornings!!!!!!

 What and how you woke upto this morning the waaaaays you felt and lived him away this morning or early morning golden hour was entirely and completely the result of your own mind cause everything that you’d felt missed wanted to craved him with and ways was exaaaactly how he did come last night in the dream some sentences you write and suddenly realise something!!!!!!!

Soooo yaaaahhhhhh that one rushhhhh some sounds I swear not sure to be happy and groove and flow away with everything’s that it’s making you feel away about him or just pause for a second and get a hold kn your mind!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaa that one beauuuuty of him I swear even that sound of his voice pure loooooooooove level of sexiness I say!!!!!!

To a rushed up morning session like full power on cause you are just happy some days it’s that feeeel of waking upto and with him cause you also sensed his presence much agter the waking up too beside you with eyes wide open still could see him as crazy as this may sound…

To the post workout wait and play this track take a slow stretch bend just bout to lift your head up again something you shouldn’t be writing out but today like you just had to that one feeeeel of him right from the waist to the nape of the neck one stroke and lose balance fall again save that very moment away but the waaaaaay it felt that strong again that same vibe of one with you in the moemnt like it wasn’t just your mind cause you did feel him that strong in that moment somethings again you write and a beautiful madness it sounds like nai but something’s I guess are just beyond you or in your control…….

How why what still writing doesn’t make sense but that sense of him throug the moves today smiling sometimes with that rush growing stronger with the sound playing mind again aaaj thoooo!!!!!!!!

U maybe sooooonerishhhhh need to find some other track to trip on this mind I swear with this THIS rush of him flashes of his face and more!!!!!!!!!!!

This mind!!!!!

 It just makes you wonder sometimes today too when sitting there away from everybody else and closer to all thenfeeeels of him feeling a way with the sound and letting yourself just feel that happy away with flashes of him from this morning to those moments with him Dd space and wonder nothing else makes you feel away all this away…….

There’s no sight visual face that has this affect on you and HOWWWWWW!!!!!!

It all just made you miss away relive away that version of him after very long like that moment moments after was something this track did bring back after years like it was lost in your mind and suddenly that beauuuutifuly awakened and how…

His face charlie ayyyaaaaaa the way it just transforms lil by lil as you touch and feel away his beauuuutifuo details there was that heiiiights of loooooove to live that visual that one visual of watching living him transition from something beautiful to something almost magic like…like suddenly evrythung around that beautifully slow the sound of the movie playing on his laptop goes all blurry the sound of the birds closer almost dispoears there’s no sound but that one sound of his breath going deeper as you feeeeel every detail of his away!!!!!

Ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this mind nowwwwwwww the more you write and relive miyaaaaaaaaaaaa if you onlyuuyyy kneewwwwwwwwwww how much you are missed and waaaaays I swear!!!!!!!!!

Viiiibeee!!!!!

 It was that rush charlie of all him like suddenly the moments with Him from this morning made sense like didn’t feel that lost like it weirdly felt that beauuutiful!!!!!

Work bits done ask her to take the long road home and play the tracks over again with this hilly corner just around some temples lane and ask her to stop by find this corner dooor play the track over again and just let your face smuleeeee away feeel away as much as you could sitting out there for a bit on your own and with that him trip on your mind!!!!!

Some tracks didn’t know could hold that beauuuuty of bringing back his that very face from that very moment this way after years……..

It was still reliving it was something else!!!!!!

Him ayyyaaaaaaaa the most beauuuuuutiful human ever I say!!!!!!!!!!

Inside out ayyaaaaaa every lil detail of him holds that much beauuuty away with each expression of their own…….like they sayyy that much away by just moving the slowest bhi…

Today was different finding those tracks to trippin over to that side of him his eyes his nose his lips n chin his skin his hands hair on his hands his feet closer to yours and you just lean over to see his feet from close and that very second mentions will you trim the nails again like he did remember that too from back then you doing that for him…….

It just did bring back tooooooooo much zooooomed uo versions of him moments with him and HOWWWWW!!!!!

The look of him the stare of him that slow smile of his that beauuutiful scent and taste of him that touch of him to just be able to live him and his beauuuuutiful details was like rushed felt away almost all of it in these tracks!!!!!!!

Viiiibe!!!!!

 It was a whoooole vibe this morning post workout like with evry sound that one rushhhhh of him rushing through you was beyond words!!!!!!

To just let yourself flow away with the waaays it was making you live and feeel him away was beauuuutiful!!!!!

To that moment when you had to write it out the way it was leading to that lostness like you just didn’t want to write no more cause somehow reading your mind out specially in that state of lostness feels weird like weirder than it feels in your head reading it here only makes it worse!!!!!

So you skip it at work you just couldn’t stop trippin on those moments of him his face his deeeeetails with the tracks playing on loop…..the manager takes a half day off and only comes over much later till then it was your time of beauuutofully lost in all him like dancing moving your way away at the studio too…..

To finally heading out with her for some work stuff then some quick late lunch snack and she gets out to get the chaat and leaves her fone back u give that one look at the fone ab Tera kya faayda nai and yet that one need to check once and the second you do ayyaaaaaa he was back…….

It was something very lil but the waaaay it made you that happpy like she was almost there so couldn’t even check on the most loved red circle circling over but just to see him made you happy and how!!!!!!

It was like those tiles disappearing to coming back to life kinda weird vibe!!!!

Again which you can’t write out from that to this how it made you feel away!!!!!

And the second she enters her laughing at your face saying just look at your face there’s so much happiness suddenly asking what it was bout and stuff…..

Skip it with work and food talk but your mind all of you on the inside having this lil party of your own!!!!

Something’s charlie shuru seee you justvdonooooo why do they feeel away the way they do!!!!!! Mainly and only in case of him like the insides of you have a talk of their own logic of their own kinda thing!!!!!

Awakened n HOW!!!!!

 From that moment of waking upto all those feels of him !!!!

Like no matter what you do brushing his face is all you could seein the reflection him loookijg his absoluteeeeeee sexy beauuuutifuo best with those sleeeepy eyes black shirt his lilst smile to that shy smile of his as you live his beauuutiful details away the way his eyes sparkle as you touch them the whole vibe of tha moment the waaay even in the mkennet it takes you back to the same moment from his Dd space as you live his beauuuty away and the waaaay his eyes follow your hand as you touch his eyes his lips that one shyyyy smileeeeeeee and doesn’t even blink through like as much as you were living him in that moment he was doing the same too……

The very same vibe last night this morning rather and that sudden lost feeeel soon as you are up!!!!!

It was all just that weird to finally working out with half mind and you play his nicolas jar mix and this one track to another and suddenly instead of weights you were moving slow dancing with that one face from this morning rushing through you!!!!!

The way this one track leads you to a certain similar moment as you keep looking at him throug the moment and live that beauuuuuuty of his face transforming lil by lil that was a first too again at his Dd space!!!!!

The way from those initial expressions of his that sudden deeper smileee of his almost chuckle like cause it was ur first time and then that transformation again to yih to see him that waaay ayyaaaaaaaaaa some faces of his I swear the waaaay this one track did bring back that very expression that very face of his from that very moment years after!!!!!!

Even writing it out now like initially you didn’t couldn’t write out but somehow today you just had to!!!!!!!

Sound of music I say some tracks the waaaaaaays they bring him along!!!!!!!!

Mornings n mooommmments!!!!

 When your day starts off like this!!!!!!

From that weirdest feeeeel last night that you try to get a hold on with music that was only making it that beautifully worse!!!!!

Laying over the floor you actually fall asleep wahi pe and suddenly it gets cold try to look for the remote with eyes shut and that one face in the world for youuuuuu ayyyaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaay it ommmmediately makes you feel away feeling his face his eyes nose his lips move your hands over his face his cheek ayyaaaaaaaa his daaaadi and you try to move closer to the spot where you could smell his scent the strongest and the second you are the waaaay suddenly now it was his hand all over your face all over you like he was feeeelinf living away your prsence and you try to go closer and the waaaay he slowly whispers dekh tho howli and you slowly open your eyes he was wearing a black softest shirt with as usual too many buttons open looking his goooooorgeousluyyyy sexy self his eyes waaay too sleeepy and that slowly smiles a lil as he brings his face closer to yours like he wanted you to feel him feel his face again and as you do living his beauuuutiful details away touching each one the wAaaaaay his smile grows a lil more every single time!!!!!!!

It was beauuuuuuuuutiful charlie like he wanted you to see him feeeel him live him live his details away the way he kept coming closer to you moment after moment to moments that sudden slow missing to that sudden rushhhh of missing that you could feeel through him!!!!!

Still holding still moments and the sound of the alarm the waking up brings back the last nights feels too!!!!!

It was that beautifully lost feeeeel like you couldn’t make sense of anything at all!!!!!

Suddenly that bad lost!!!!!

THIS mind today!!!!!!

 Like soon as you enter home n your room still changing you justtttthad to scream out loud one more time said it before can say it over a zillion times again there’s nothing that makes you feel this way the way anything to do with him does……..howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you were missed kaisaaaaaa waisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww aaaaaj tho!!!!!!!!!!

Right from the morning aaaj a gaaaazillion feeeels deeeeeep and howwwwww!!!!!!!!!

Mind on this him trippppppppp aaaaaj thooo and howwwww!!!!!!!

THIS!!!!!

 What do you even do to fight this feeeel out!!!!!!

U try n watch something to get mind off and yet this feeeeeeel on the inside sinking weird feeeeling like suddenly nothing makes sense anymore!!!!!!

Why would it feel this much away!!!!!!!

This feeeel like suddenly it’s all disappearing nothing making sense no more……it’s Kevin on Tv and yet with a straight face on trying to understand how do you even deal with this weird feeel!!!!!!

It’s like evrythung inside charlie going low low ekdum see weird it is!!!!!!!!!!

Feels!!

 There goes that gut feel right from this morning!!!!!

Amidst everything else happening with dreams and moments through n through this one weird restlessness this morning it just felt weird who nai hota some feel that feels familiar and yet you get this never felt this way before kinda vibe exactly that!!!!!

The very first thing that strikes you is hope he is okay cause it just felt that different that weird restlessness that you’ve felt before too…..like you could feel it that strongku!!!!!! That one thought ringing through the mind hope he is okay cause in a way you just knew somewhere deep down that it had to do with him…

With checks and the final check before she leaves you see the account change private!!!!!

And that one strong feel no wonder there goes that gut!!!!!

It’s this weird feeeeel now rushing all through you just that one big sinking feel……like you can’t write out the way it’s feeeling like the only way and that too poof!!!!!!

Why is it feeling this ajeeb you just donno can’t figure it out just this sinking feel!!!!!!   

Sound of his voice…!

 When you wake up of complete night of just few hours maybe of sleep but all of it with and to just the sound of his voice!!!!!

For the first time ever it was just him talking all night that close to your ears and yet you couldn’t make out a single word to what he was saying but just this feeeeeeel right now charlie just his voice your heart right there…

Even as you write now the mind ears just this beauuuuutifully all Him and howwwwww!!!!!!!

Trying to recall ever since the waking up what was he saying that much and for that long the waaaaay even his voice feels like ayyyaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

Razaaaakh miyaaaaaa tummm aaaaaj fir zoooor zooooor se yaaaaad aaaaaare!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sound of his voice ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Night lights!!!!!

 There’s something that beauuuuuuutifullu nostalgic romantic about the night street lights maybe cause they always bring him along!!!!!!

The late night drives with him back home him slowing down making the most of you just before dropping you back to just being lost in the beauuuuuuuty of him under these very lights cause ayyyaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaaay he looked that sexily beautiful under the street lights too his eyes his smile his that face one face with no smile on just that strong stare that it’s almost through you peeping into your deep soul not a blink nothing to just live those moments the waaaaay every angle time when out for late the waaaaay it brings him along……

Or those evening jams too there’s something cheeeeezilu romantic bout the jams too or it’s just self reflection the way it pauses evrythung around every single car person along on a pause mode and there’s you living that rush of him as you live the blinking lights around mind is just feeeeeeweling a lil more high than you did before……..but this viiiibe today charlie to eventually single time under the evening street lights jams and also why you used to loveeeeeeee his traffic stories he used to pehle some track or just his drive stories that he used to or just him capturing moments away cause u alone know apart from his music apart from his chummi sound of his voice touch of him his huggggg bites everything him away if there’s also another thing that u actual mein miss is his photography tooo him capturing saving moments there was that beauuuuty to it like that window to his soul even be it for the moemnt bhi there was Sahi mein something that beautifully something 

Lights of the night!!!!!

 Know it’s summer already when there’s a shower two two times but ayyyaaaaaaaaaa when a mind hits you like this there’s something this beauuuuuuutifully himfulllll bout sundays I say!!!   

It’s like in the air around in the air you snufffdddd away it’s all him charlie and ayyyaaaaaaaa the waaaay your heart all of you keeps having these mini inside screams through n through miyaaaaaaa tummmm fir yaaad maaare zooor zooor se……it’s like a moment strikes there pops an inside scream like outside still still but inside it’s yo alone that knows actual mein hooo kyaaaaa kyaaaaaaa horaaa!!!!!!

Like u do your best try your best to still have a normal face on but somehow kaiseeeee thoooo bhi Karke nikal he ataaa n comment comes along there’s something definitively running throug your mind nai! Like there she was discussing the styling bits changes and stuff and your mind that beauuuuuuutifully high on him singing along a song of his blond deaf n bumb to the outside world cause there’s this whole trip happieninf on the inside and hooowwwwwww I sayyyyyy cause when he comes like this ayyyaaaaaaaa what allllll it leaves your heart with is beyond words and worlds I say

Sound of Him!!!!!!

 Come back home play this mix of missing tracks that make you miss him al the more and changing changing this track plays and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaays these moments of him whispering away be it back then over call sounding sleepy and still talking or later that morning beside him post bup meet and he holds onto you not letting you move away from him and keeps talking something to the zillion dream whispers of his and the waaaay it just brings a smile on fataaak se like in between just stop and just be with the song playing loud and this viiiiiiiibe it turns the complete room into not sure if it’s the beer or just still happppppy high from the dream this morning!!!!!!!

RaAaaaaaaaakhhhhhh miyaaaaaaaaaa saaaaaath samundaaaar paaaaaaar mein tereeeeeee peewecheeeee peeeecheeeee aaaa gayiiiiii n howwwwwwww!!!!!!

Anddddd moments!!!!!

 It’s that strange feeeling aaj kal when you miss out on seeing him in the dream it’s that wait charlie that one waiiiiit to feeel him live him in some way and this waiiit post workout moment also when you keep switching between tracks till you find the him one that has all him vibes it’s like your moemnt that feeeel of stretch as it is being oneness with your body and all your complete self when you can sense and feel every breath you take and in those moments to feeel him away live him away with a sound that has all the Him vibes is an experience beyond logics and reasons I say!!!!!

Like you can’t possibly write out the waaaaays it makes you feel away!!!!!

It’s that beauutofully calm and a beautiful chaos in sync together…

Yesterdays moments of magic coming soon but today’s exprebece was like literally living him away as you work on the movements!!

The Skype moments tho it’s always been the concentric Tripswitch track that does it for you but today soon as you play this one instead the waaaaaay that first moemnt of seeing him online rushes through you the feeels it used to give you away to his expressions through the call his beauuuuutiful different versions that used to come along the nods ayyyaaaaaaaaa heart literally used to jump outta you everytime he did those nods to those silent stares to those smiles to those him smoking moments nose twitches cause maybe he knew already how happpy it used to make you seeing him do that aaaand ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaays he looked so soooo sexy hot beauuutiful adoooooooooorable all in one!!!!!!!

today with evry move as you progress the waaaaay his facial expressions his beauuutiful details rush through you it was something else charloe!!!!!!!!!

The waaaay it had a smile on you beech beech mein those sudden rushes like it was that veauuutifully constant through the entire session today!!!!!

Like you were literally practising it with him before you watching you kinda vibe!!!!!

Something’s you write and knowwwwww the waaay it feels when you write your mind out cause the way it feels in your mind is still manageable till you write out and read as you write out and sounds absolute madness but something’s in love is beyond logics I suppose just bout the way things can make you feel away!!!!!!

Mind already in this state kaaaaaam aisaaaa kaisaaaaa kartee ki ab aage!!!!!!!

Miyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tummmm aaaaaaaj abiiii k abiiiii aisaaaaaa waisaaaaaaa kaisaaaaa kaisaaaaaaaaaaaaa yaaaad aaare if you only knewwwww!!!!!!!!

Mornings n moments!!!!!

 Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one face in the world I say for you said it a zillion times before can say over a godzillioooonth times more!!!!!!!

The waaaaaays he comes!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday and this morning the dreams that you had were deeeeeeep be it moments wise or the things that he was talking bout holding you away again skipping it writing it out cause they were high hoped ones something that was THAT beauuuuuutoful and completely opposite to the reality…

The way it sounded like he sounded like he was reassuring you letting you know and the waaaaay those moments felt that strong left you all confused and lost after waking up……

Like how could he feeeel al that away make you feel that way and still be missing after the waking up kinda state of mind!!!!!

Finally get kn with the workout like you just had to and the moemnt after this one track his track again and the waaaaaaaaay it brings him along play it bend down for a stretch and feeeel him in that very moment holding you from behind like you could literally feeeel him around behind you with his arms over your waist……as weirdly crazy as it sounds some moments you just have to write out cause that’s how strong it was!!!!!!!

Like he was literalllllllly there holding you the same way in a rush!!!!!!!!

To shutting your eyes away and feeeeling him away with the sound of his music……..

Be it holi mirror moemnt with him his dd space mirror moemnt first you holding him from behind before the mirror and after the way he again takes you to that spot and this time holds you away and watches you for a bit like he used to to his Versova mirror moment all these mirror moments with him suddenly rush through you with the beat n sound of this track…….him holding you living your presence in the mirror moments the way he would just look at you with him like look at al of you and then see himself and the smiiiiiiile the hug growing closer it was magic every single time charlie!!!!!!!

There was something bout it just to be that way live that moment with him and live that beauuuuuuuuuty of him in those moments every single time!!!!!!

Today as you move throug the stretches the waaaay every one of those moments with him still holding you like you couldn’t just visually live those moments but feeeeel away every single one as crazy as this sounds……

There was this big smile on you with that rush of him through the movements today like you were just happy with that sense of him with you as you move through…

Something’s I swear!!!!!!!! The state of mind it can leave you with is beyond logics!!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!

 Shower done soon as you come his sister in her room and him sitting out on his beanbag watching something over tv and gets off immediately checking you out top to toe and his sister comes out telling you if you wanted to change in something of hers instead and him on the other side nodding saying not to and you stay that way…..

Him his sister uncle in one corner watching something over tv with uncle reading some news paper or something it was and you talking to her bout something him just watching you trying to touch by reaching out to you with his feet as he was sitting down and you wit her over sofa……

Could see the beautiful restlessness of his same what you were feeling away ther was that rush of that first something you’d felt wanting to hold him away hide away in him like you this clearly remember how beauuuutiful it had felt that shift that first time feeeel that way!!!!!

To the second they start to leave uncle for a nap her just bout had closed the other bathroom door and the way he immediately lifts you up and runs to his room lands you there and first just had to watch you pulling the sleeve of his tee on you saying ye mera pulling down the chaddi ye mera and then chummis away saying ye bhi mera and the second he holds you takes you in his arms that first thing he says it just felt very different today as I went down to just think of you in my room my clothes my towel and now to see you like this!!!!!!

Evry single time that just that close and!!!!!!!!!!

Day today!!!!!

 Some sounds along with some memories this thing they can do away to your mind is beyond logics!!!!

Sooo yahhh!!!!

Dates on the calendar again something that feels like yesterday….

First Holi with him…!

Picks you up from your place at his place with his sister and her friends around and you stand a lil away and just watch over and the way he comes closer with this water pipe all over you and just watches you even as you write now that one look in his eyes as he stands there doing that like all that while he was running around playing around laughing around and suddenly he just stands there with that one stare and the way it immediately makes you feel away and you just nod away saying a no and that smiiiiiiile after nodding you back and smiiiiiiling some more and this also was another thing you loooooooved bout him apart from the zillion other things the way he just knew by the stare by the look by the smile a wordless conversation in the middle of it all and would know it all away just like that!!!!!

Gets back to playing beech beech mein looking back at you it was different charlie that entire day was different and he felt it too cause that was another first time feeeels you’d shared with him…

To you wanting to change as they were almost done and it was too cold by then…..and you were bout to head over to his sister for some changes inside out and he stops and takes you along to his room from the back door shows you the door how to lock both of them gives the shampoo his towel and asks you to pick anything you wanted to wear of his…..but gives you his chaddis the one you always used to comment on at the gym cause it used to make one funny nose everytime he would walk around gives it and then that smile chummi on forehead and rushes out still screaming don’t forget to lock both the doors……

It felt different and he had already felt the same his chaddis his towel in his room and the way he treated you it’s that feeeeeeeeeel charlie that beauuuutful mix of feeeeeel for the first time when you felt something more than the regular moments of love with him first time also when feeling it away you felt the safest in the world like that one corner of your life one space of your life the way it can make you feel like nothing else prolly can…

This night this state of mind now suddenly with this sound!!!!!!!!!

This missing ekdum se if he only had the slightest bhi idea charlie I swear!!!!!!!!

Where to where!!!!

 Like always from where to where only it went!!!!

To work day and some words bout noticing magic amidst the ordinary to getting some grocery stuff and his lucky ali song playing there there were these connect the dots kinda moments lately leaving you with that much him away and how!!!!!

To that very first visual of the poli and that echo of his words to that complete moment of beautiful irony him almost heading out and stops by as he sees you with his sister having lunch almost and sits across the table….asks for a plate and doesn’t take his eyes off you even for a blink…

He knew that day you had no clue but the way he was being that day loving you away with that distance second wise definitely felt different……

Sooooo yaaahhhh asks ou to have the bindi and then looks for more and you lean over asking him to take some from yours and the way even then he doesn’t say a word doesn’t take the food and just keeps looking at you it was also the first time he was literally looking you in the eye not taking his eyes off you in the presence of his sister……to finally done and her asking something about him getting late and he asks you pooran poli Khaati cause by then he knew you loooved it there at his place as it was a different style one and whenever there that was one thing constant you loooved eating…..and you nod away with excitement cause that was the first thinng he spoke to you like finally talked to you soon as the poli comes you try to take the plate and in that same adooooorable tone of his voice aisa kaisa khaati tu howli….asks bhupal to bring over hot ghee pours it over makes those holes kinda thing over it with spoon and then gives you saying ab khaa and watches you like just watches you with that same beauuuutoful wait of his loving something he loved to eat that way!!!!!!

Ever since then it’s been years now every single that one visual of poli brings along his love for you and that smile of his those moments with him bring this big smile on you with that inside wali Khushi to just relive that feeeeeeling of how blessed you truly were!!!!!!!!!!

THAT lucky!!!!!!!!!!

Conversations!!!!

 When you out of nowhere suddenly recall these gym instances and then after love his conversations over the same the waaaaaaay he loved sharing those with you at opera mostly holding you sleeping over your lap or over the calls at prolly this very hour of the night almost morning hours……

How he used to watch you struggle through workouts and doing it all wrong and then soon started to be around you more just so you could see him like would cross your path walk past by you or do the weights close to you and how he loved being around you…cause that was how the shift from treadmill to the weight section happened with you too…..

Cause he mostly used to be there or on the cycle and then when you at the treadmill he would wait for the next one beside you to get free so he could get on and do the slowestest walk possible on the slowest speed possible namesake literally and just be there with you…….

The way he would chuckle ekdum seee holding you and ask you I made it very clear no that way that I was there for you only and not for the treadmill and again laugh away that adooooooorably…it was that love for you that THAT much love for you that you could live all across his face cause he would talk bout it and hold you a lil more closer with that feeeel of from exchanging stares waiting for each other before gym or after gym there you were with him with him over your lap and sharing you how much he missed you……something’s you write now and this sudden feeeeeeeeel it loads you up with nai!!!!!!! 

Some corners of the mind of memories you shouldn’t have gotten into in detail nai!!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaay waaaaaays he loved you!!!!!!

BLESSED!!!!!!!!!

Idea of happiness 2!!

 Soooo yeahhhh to you with you it’s always been things to do with him and the way they just made you feel it all away on the inside and suddenly that feeeeel of coming alive and how!!!!!

Today bhi in that moment it’s already frocking summer like that hot and this car beside windows down playing your song away and aoon as the security thing was done Venky ups the window for aircon and you ask to let it be and stay closer to the car…..logically you could’ve just played in your fone but nai had to live that moemnt of magic in the ordinary cause it sure was designed for you for the day today…….

It’s that state of mind charlie smile on flashes of him rushing through you and HOW!!!!!

His face everytime you used to sing this song out loud the way he would slow down the car drive to the side of the road and watch you through n through with that beauuuuutiful smile on as you sing it over for him and he would know ur exact change of expressions over certain words and do it along with you your way…

It’s the way these lilst of things bring him along and when recalling them reliving them it doesn’t feel like it’s been over 13 years now it’s like just yesterday he was here right beside you singing along watching you with that one smiiiiiile of his even writing it now the way it makes you smile as you shut your eyes to relive that one face one smile ayyyAaaaAa howwwwwww happppppy it ekdum se used to make you feel away!!!!!!!!

Charlie bolri mein gaay banjaate tum ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuty of him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Idea of happiness…!

 What’s your idea of happiness a simple sounding question means a lot more than what and how it sounds like!!!!!

It’s not something that just makes you smile or excited it’s not that materialistic Khushi it’s that feeeeeeeeel that makes you that happy that makes you come and feel alive soooo alive in that very moment like every cell in you suddenly feeeling it that much every cell in you smiling away feeling that rush of happiness away and suddenly all of you feels that wholesome that complete that alive with that rush of happiness…

To you always been things to do with him even as strangers to just see him randomly almost smile away at someone he knew at the gym walking past by and smiles that was the first time you’d seen him smile and strangely somehow from him looking lost head always down to just live that moment of his first smile you still donno why or how made you happy on the inside…

With that lil scream inside he just smiled like from that frown that lost face for days to finally seeing him smile soon as he does he looks at you and stays that way and you were just happy even writing it now you still donno what or why it made you happy!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!

 Finding him in the ordinary!!!!!

This feeeeeeel of rush when you live a moment of him out of nowhere us something you can never grow used to or consider it to be just random…..

When you had to rush to work mid workout like couldn’t finish it proper and then to live those flashes of him looking his beauuuuuutiful best smoking away his psy beedi ayyyaaaaaaaaa…

There’s this thing bout him charlie something in him just changes like there’s that switch that shift visible shift to watch him become a lil more beautiful ekdum se when he is doing something he really loves like he could be doing something and there’s something on tv that he likes or catches his attention some track that he really loved ekdum se some place some space or taking that first puff of it he suddenly transforms and that transition used to be SOMETHING to live like you looooooooooived watching him ekdum se transform his face light up his eyes that suddenly becomes everything Beauuuuuuutiful from his facial expression to the way his body eases out more laid back like there’s this whole transition that happens and howwwwwwwwwww you looooooved watching it living it away!!!!!

From that moment to getting ready heading out and at the main security you had to mention bout courier guys entry issue and there’s this car comes closer to the side and the track playing our loud was Tera hone laga hoon to that specific line dilne Pukara hai ab tho chale aao…

A moment like this a state of mind like that one and just a day back you hear the same track as some store you walkin how do you even consider this to be random!!!!!!!

Writing Him!!!!!

 Lonnnnnngest day at work a bit of khana shopping come home and the first thing you see soon as you enter is Pooran poli on the table!!!!!!

The second that visual hits you that very second that beauuuuuuutoful echo of his voice pooran poli khaaati!!!!!

This feeeeeeeeeel can never get used to to eating 3-4 away and the waaaaay it makes your heart happy I swear!!!!!cause with every bit there was a him and soooo happy that you pass out again on the couch watching some docuseries!!!!!

It’s this neeeed to write him out on some days specifically to live him on some days urgently that shakes you up makes you wait wakes you up like you bas had to had to!!!!!!

Soon as you do now with some scene change loud sound and find his music still playing flashes of him across the table watching you eat the polis away with that one heart happpy smile of his ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

That one face in the world for you!!!!!!!!

Maaaaaagic!!!!!

 Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa moments like these!!!!!

Maaaaaagic maaaaaaaaaaaaagic maaaaaaaagic I say!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeee huaaaa mujheeeeee firseee baaaar baaaar tumheeee seeee pyaaaaaaar huaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Hooolyy Holi!!!!!

And it’s Holyyyy holi hai!!!!!

Again one of those dates on the calendar and this stage of mind ever since the realisation of the day has hit you!!!!!!!!

Every single time never get can’t get used to some dates I say!!!!!!!

It’s a rushy morning with first session post covid feels better!!!!!

After feeeels of it even better a short time cause of the presence of the manager discussing work and stuff and that wait inside and you literally force her out for a min or two of him to live post workout!!!!!!

Some sounds and the waaaaay they come along with visuals!!!!!!

How you looooooooioved watching him smoke his psy beedi away ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuuty of him and his facial expressions moving slowly with every puff in n out…

This mind all the more this beauuuutifully lost!!!!!!

It was that sudden beautiful transition as you push yourself throug the workout cause of the weird body feels post covid and then there was that moment of his visuals amidst smoke that comes along with the sound from versovaaaaa!!!!!!

This mind I tell you even as you write now howleeeeeeeeee you gorgeous gorgeous lil big annooooyingly beautiful lest thing how only you were missed!!!!!!    

Misseeeing!!!!!!

 It’s been a lot of missing lately charlie like beyond the normal levels of missing I swear!!!!!

The ways you can never think you’d miss someone as or like, it’s beyond tat too now!!!!!

His voice his every lil detail same airspace as him kinda missing too like beyond any to every level of missing!!!!!

From just waking up or before sleep to the zillionth seconds through the day the waaaaaays he rushes through you out of nowhere and that state of mind it leaves you with weirdly smiling and still missing away that baaaaaaaaaad like even a note full of aa’s in the bad still wouldn’t seem enough that kinda bad it has gotten!!!!!

Like didn’t think didn’t plan to this is what missing feels like kinda missing I say!!!!!!

Specially when yo write out lil details bout him his facial expressions his smile his hands tip of his finger holding the door that shy smile of his lilst detail ayyyaaaaaaaaaa this feeeeeeeeeeel even as you relive n write out !!!!!!!!

How like how HOWWWWWWWW just that one face becomes all this away and like THISSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

Wired up!!!!

 These are not things you do intentionally it’s just the way you are wired up!!!!

These signs these moments dreams sound of his voice these lilst of conversations you have wit him and some quote or the other you randomly come across that sort of defines out what you are feeling cause post that moemnt it sometimes has you questioning your own state of mind…….

Like how’s it possible to live his prsence have him standing there across the room near the door in the waking state in your sober most state……..

At the studio in places n spaces to live moments like these to still see him look for him and not really caring about the other faces it’s not something you do intentionally it’s somehow now with time it’s the way you are wired up it’s always been this way……..

In that moment I swear charlie the level of happiness or something more beautiful than that that you experience out of nowhere is beyond logics…

It’s also when you keep re realising what and how much he meant to you in your life…what his presence his mere presence meant to you!!!!!!!!

Even writing it now reliving it now shutting your eyes for a bit and reliving that very moment ayyyaaaaaaaaa something else!!!!!

He is that most beauuuuutifullest version of magic n wonder in human form…!

Sound of his voice….!

 His voice too charlie!!!!!!! All things loooooove I say!!!!!!

And how you looooooved his voice too!!!!!!

Like you were still that scared to see him call back but him he just got worried cause you never called him directly never!!!!!

U say something or something it was and first question how many drinks down you were and chuckles away that adoooorably and adds he was about to hang up after knowing you were ok but that was the first time you drunk and he heard you drunk and he didn’t want to miss out on that too…..as much as you remember of that call you weren’t talking aisa waisa but the way it just made him that happy cause he could hear you that way share that side of you with him……u remember it was a long call cause you almost fell asleep between the call and from calling you Shriya are you there are you there he for once went karely you slept and just smiled after saying it and that woke you up and that he didn’t expect cause the first thing he asked was what did you hear all that while and you don’t mention that…….

It was weirdly beautiful like reconnecting and yet!!!!!!

It’s like he was showing you wanting you back and yet hiding away that very thing from you like always in meets his actions saying otherwise and him over distance something else…….

Somethjngs you don’t wanna write out like to not go that side of the story!!!!!!!

Soooo yeahhhhhh today in that moment it makes you realise ting boljeeeee how he is always in that control that he never ever did something like that…..there were times post bup post his movie shoot messages chats he would mention how there were times when he was that close to calling you up when drunk and then didn’t and you end up asking how does he control himself when drunk!!!!!!!

Cause that’s definitely not your forte and isliye there’s never a social drinking strictly beyond a beer max!!!!!!

Writing it now reliving it now ya no how come he never did not even once!!!!!!!!

Across the room…

 Saw you gleaming across the room it’s all in you…!

You were at the doorway kinda space step up and few lines after this line comes over ask her to let the track be Shazam it up and this one earplug in moemnt with her commenting now that she found some track she is going to be that way for sometime as they arrange some food daru stuff away!!!!!!

It’s this sudden state of mind it shifts you in like suddenly you are that beauuuuuutifully lost on your own like inside you are that happy all things happy cause you just felt him even with people around had a moemnt of your own had a magic moment cause that’s exactlyyyyy how you lived him hours back and then to find a song like this like it all felt that beautifully insync…….

Designed for you created for you kinda moemnt n vibe…..mind just happy slow with flashes of him across the room flashes of him standing beside you at the door looking at you rush through you and making all your insides happpoy and how!!!!!!

One beer down and you stop there cause you just can’t handle alcohol specially when out like you wanna make sure that real you doesn’t come out in public and they get this game going never have I ever with shots and you ask for switching it up with something else cause you never did shots before and they insist!!!!!

First things first shots are prolly the worstest ever taste wise they hit you beautiful though but the taste tho!!!!!!!

One to prolly two out and you are about to quit then there was this one question never have I ever drunk dialed an ex and you drink it up finally and then lost and how!!!!!!!and end up saying out loud the missing rushing through but how come he never did and actually get off!!!!!!!

Cause the call rushed through you it was those days of post bup chats and calls and this one time not sure how drunk you were you call and then disconnect darrse and he calls up immediately asking first thing are you ok?!

Something’s ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa reliving it now the sound of his voice and this track on loop fkj I tell you does things to your mind awaaaaaaaay and how!!!!!!

Lyrics kuch aur but this viiiiiibe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Youday 2!!!

 To much later in the day manager drops over asking you to come along for some house party at the models space as you’d been away for longest in recent times off work cause there has never been a day off apart from the sundays and she just wanted to catch up on things and to discuss and finalise for the Gulmohar collection next……

Yes finally this has happened blend of earthy tones which he really loved and you name it Gulmohar cause you’d been wanting to for the longest of times some collection with the name of your most loooooooooved moemnt memory a life changing one literally!!!!!!

First stop was getting some pastries and stuff and this cafe just bout to step out once done you were messaging her something and you lookup and this guy with few others stops looks at you let’s the girls pass by and holds the door for you and waits outside still looking at you smiling away you get out manger looking at you the guy still waiting there asks the others to leave and you turn and head back inside and just stay there for a bit and the manger walks back in laughing saying I sure knew you would do something like this such a rebel you are and something something!!!!!!

To you that moment when you look up and sense that orsence of someone holding the door for you it was him it was his face his prsence him smiling that smile as you walk past by close to him cause he would always stand in a way holding the door for you it’s that brush of the prsence kinda moment which he again did talk much later calling it an almost hug and he loved it every single time!!!!!!

She went on n on over the thing and to you it still was just him can’t write out charlie what moments like these fill you up with it’s like suddenly you miss that side of his prsence too to feel him to be with him to live him that way too to just find him standing beside you feeels like that big of a deal even writing it now as you relive the moment!!!!!

What was even beautifully magical was soon as you are at her place some song almost finished and this one starts and some other friend of hers tries to change the track and you ask her to let it be cause that one word does it for you the vibe of the track felt like it again had him standing across the room wit you right there in that very moment!!!!!

The Youday…!

 Soooooo yaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!

So today with no dream and still that one moment of him from yesterday playing on loop on your mind like everytime you blink that moemnt is right there with a zillion questions along if that for real then why this!!!!!!! Cause that moment was that real like he was literally there there in that moment with you like you could hear him smell him and ofcourse feel him that for really real kinda real……even after the waking up like you had that strong sense of him same way over your forehead your nose and that chummi felt that real with that beauuuutiful echo of his voice……

To today watching some weirdly horror movie almost quiet place something cause that’s always been your version of love of horrro watching anything alienish since bachpan!!!!!

Like you have the slowest volume possible rc in hand right there over the mute button just in case it gets more scary at the edge of the couch and suddenly towards the kitchen across the room there was this flash of a moemnt that played right there in your wide waking state backdrop being his Dd space with that spirited away visual as the backdrop that he had back then his table and you being at the door and he was right there looking at you waiting for you to walk to him smiling away that one smile that alwaaaaays felt like magnet zoooooooop bolke pulling you closer to him in less than a second and off n away from everything else like he was literally right there and you blink and you look around couldn’t find him………

It was weird but it was beauuuuuuuuuuutiful charlie cause it literally made you feeel him live him his prsence from that very space in that very moment and who bhi all this when you are wide awake with no absolute daru also on your system !!!!

How what why you still wonder call it Youday magic or call it that’s how crazy your mind is feeeelinf lately missing him that much away!!!!!!  

To Live him…!

 This looooooooove to just live him away apart from the zillion other things this was your first love of things to do with him……

And howwwwwwww you looooved to just live his walk across the gym his faces he used to make lifting weights there was this time after love when he actually mentions and jokes bout it normally girls would check out their arms or something doing weights you always used to have your eyes glued on my face the waaaaay he loooooked adooooorable charlie making those faces away to just him in general on the stairs under the gym under the sunlight to just watching him from distance at the billing counter and then realising he actually caught you staring at him then looking away him coming back asking you with that smile you wanted something and you nod away saying a no switching the topic and he asks again cause you were looking at me when at the billing counter and then would push your shoulder away it’s that feeeewewwwl charlie like suddenly how that one face without even knowing why was making you happy like nothing ever did so much so you don’t realise he was looking at you cause that’s how lost you in those moments……losing that sense of anything being that held by that one face that one prsence……

To him telling you sharing with you the very same thing about how he would always watch you walk around do all the wrong workouts when it came to weights and with that much dedication that you were doing it all right to just waiting for you to walkin to the gym and then much after actually started to notice you do the very same thing like telling you to your face how much he loved when your eyes looked around searched for him across the gym and he would stand behind the water filter space and watch you look for him then come out and see your reaction how suddenly your face had a big smile on and then you would look away!!!!!!

Something’s you relive and realise you weren’t doing to write it all and now has you smiling away just reliving those moments ayyyaaaaaaaaa he has alwaaaays beeen your poooora ka poiooooora heart nai!!!!!!!

Right from the very start!!!!!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeee baaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!