What you feel the most now !!

too much to write but first from what you feel the most now in this moment right here !!

exactly how you met him, all blue confused distorted broken state of mind and all of his self..... from those initial his parent talk to him being unsure bout the girl he was seeing then.... .where in one instance he did mention bout her being his gf who was abroad then and then in the other he does talk bout having broken up.....

initially he talks in a way that he wasnt sure of her in life cause it dint feel like love.... and then looks at you and shares that one stare of his that did make you feel smthing it was different you dint know what it was but like in that very moment you sort of felt that need to clarify in that very moment bout you soon being married and just few weeks away from getting engaged and the waaaay he just nods away to that with that one assured smile of his and then looks  up at you again and gets back to his workout.....

him making adoooorable faces as he does his arms and you watching him just looking at his face and wondering what that nod was bout why did he nod away when you said that and then smile at you like this one thing he did every single time some way or the other that one conversation bout you getting married did come up..... like he always knew you wouldnt !!

like he was that sure of it.... since that very first time...

when you felt that hint of his love you did ask him bout his gf that he was talking bout and the waay he stops the treadmill and then again gives that stare and she was never his love.... it was just smthing but not love.... and that he did realize only recently....

you still dint know what it was but the waaaaaaaaaay anything to everything of him and that feeeeeel of being drawn towards him.... like that one peace one khushiiiii that his presence used to come with.....

that one beautiful familiarity that sense of knowing him that sense of wnating to be there with him that sense of belonging to anywhere close or around him.... like that one place is all you wanna be closes to at..... and then that one confusion of him seeing someone and the waaaay he tells you bout him realizing it never was love only recently and then stays living your presence.... maybe looking for that hint of love from your side too..... cause maybe like always he already knew it was love...

and  you still trying to figure out what was that change that one ongoing transformation happening on the inside of you....

and this one video like the start of it to that one logic of the colors corelated with the phases of life...

again smthing he did tell you back then watching it for the second time with him.... and the way he mentions bout the same how the color of hair was directly related to the stages of their relationship....

but you being you you dont get it cause you were that lost in living his hand holding yours and doing that same play of feeling the veins on his hands and him doing the same with your hand just like he used to back then.... like he just had his hand over your shoulder and then holds your hand and does that thing that he used to back then.... and soon you feeling the veins on his hands and him doing the same and you living that visual sort of on a playback after years..... to just live that feeeeeel of his love for you back again - SMTHING ELSE !!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

that day he did ask you to wear a blue and the way talking bout the color and the logic he ends up saying asking you to wear a green the next time.....

you dont get it neither do you ask him a why or what bout it.....

and just nod away to what he was saying cause you that baaaaadly wnated to just live that moment of his love for you again that feeeling donno when again....

and you make the most of that moment whilst him in his own way sharing his love for you all over again...

its only today as you watch the video and the story unfolds bout the stages and colors of love do you realize why he did ask you to wear a green the next time....

to another thing that your mom noticed bout you...

back then meeting him frequently in a way compared to now... even be it after a few months and you taking pics it was more on the greens and vibrant side.... like you know on the color brighter side of visuals.... and off late its more on the blue side.....

its more darker more blues....

maybe color does directly relate with the state or stage of mind you are at.....

like you are drawn to what reflects the most inside of you.....

its the dark tones the nite lights the shadows that sort of draws your attention....

isnt it strange charlie when you sort of understand a meaning of smthing after years moments have gone by...

like you just decoded that one code msg of his love that he said back then......

with this weird feeeeling at your own dumbness why dint you get it then !!

or if only he was more simpler with his codes !!!!!!

like you know directly telling you on your face that he was again in love with you or he never did stop loving you after all !!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!

again back to where to whereeeeeeeee onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys state of mind !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

writing smthing landed writing smthing else only !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!