Living the details...

how truly beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful it is to love someone with their details all the more !!!!!

this has always been this way falling rising in love with him all the more every single time.......

just that feeeeeeeels after living him through those moments of his..... like a part of him you just touched and came back...

jsut when you were bout to go back to listening tothe first video to know what exactly lyrics were more clear and she gets a call is when you fataak se delee the history give her fone back and tell her she was getting a call !!

first thing google the google out of google for the lyrics of the song.... failed results and finally when you write she dont cry no more is when you get the song.....

it was by Mac miller named 2009...

the year of your life that you found him back in your life again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the magic of the song the magic of his music was in teh words when you are scared and alone i'm here dont worry... i can carry you home with these songs !!

it was as if though your life your way of life ever since his absence this time has been that beautifully summed up in those few lines of the song.....

how can it be this beauutifully possible and perfectly timed like this !!!!!!!!

just yesterday with those words from him in the dream assuring you of his presence of him being with you and not going anywhere there was his song saying almost the same....

and whooo bhi on the very same day.....

though it was posted few days back but that one feeeeeeel it filled you up with !!!!!!!!

just for you like that one denial mode bas merku aur kuch nai malooom mere liye he thaaa..... cause there was that strong rush need smthing to just knowwwwwww which song it was as you struggle to understand the words of the song.....

also ab cause it was his music aftr all !!!!!!!!

and that feeeeeeeeeeeel after listening tothe song.....

the waaaaaay it starts off with that much pain to the beauty of the song later.....

becomes your yet another most loved songs of his !!

that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel yesterday when you were giving her fone back now you couldnt those moments again on your fone.....

i swear charlie itttaaaaaaa misss mein uskeee sirf videos deknaa nai kari jittaaa kal huaa.....

that one rainy nite video of the keys playing with the lights blinking that one moment that one wish to live the rains with him in his presence with his presence !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and just as you write it it starts to rain now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee how only Youuuu were missed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mood to write......!

when all you wanna do is write and you struggle to keep up with the powercuts.....

some nites i swear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this one feeeeel of some days a lil extra than the usual ones......

like this used to missing him and then are some days that are different than the rest of the misseeeings.....

yesterday watchign those videos of his on loop like hoping all that while they get even more busy with more topics just soooooooo you could live him for longer in those videos n moments of his.....

again that same looooooooove for anything him.....

to just live him in some way anyway be it in his music and yesterday it was his videos and visuals.....

that another pic of the marine drive again one of those places and that one wish after watching wake up sid.....

that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling you were filled up with after living him in those moments of his !!!!!!!!!

that immediate urgency to just hold him and chummmiiiiiiii away his mind......

this very same thing that you miss the most be it living for real or atleast watching it over on his insta now that he has blocked you there too......

this same looooove back then to live him in and through moments of his own.....

him watching yaha waha and then to live that beauuuuuuutiful transformatin of his when smthing catches his attention and he would just stay looking at it and you lost in all him.....

the way if he is amused by it that oen beauuuutiful transformation and if he finds it funny that one adoooooooooooorable expression and only after lving it for a bit he would turn to you asking you if you saw that too..... then look at you and realize you were lost in your most looooooooved visual !!!!!

Him........

maybe you always knew you had to save up those lilst of him in lilst of moments for nites years like these.....

Visuals...

on your way back them still talking and you in your own lil world of him.....

and this one time your friend gives you her fone asking you to see some design on instagram...

and that one loudest tinggggggg that rings through you !!!!!

one look at them busy talking you lean over a lil more towrds the window side and get on his page to see if at all you that one pic is posted of his......

and that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his mind like that veryyyyy moment seeing that video that one highest hoped wish i say to chummmiiiiiiii his forehead his mind awaaaaay that very moment tabi k tabi.....

watch it over n over again.....

controlling your expressions like you literally struggled to hold back your expressions but that one khushiiiiiiiiiii jsut seeing that video and hoping if only you were the cycle or bike wala that passesby in the video just soooo you could see him get a glimpse of him even be it for a moment.....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his mind tooo i tell you !!!!!!1

the lights blinking that beauuuuuuutifully insync with the tune of the sound the sound of the piano keys or whatever instrument it was....

piano most definitely.....

as the key plays in the song so does the lights blinking one signal type of light in one corner and the other being of the cars passing by..... and it was raining makes the lights  that beauuutifully blur.....

dont get the song initially as it was a rap one and that difficult to understand but that one strong neeeeeeeeeed to just knowwwwwwwww which song it was as a line goes she dont cry no more and 2009 no more....

when you finally in the last attempt of watching it i guess you get the words and the very first thing to google the google out of google only followed later on....

quickly watch the other one as it had a bird as the main cover.....

and as you play ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him only in the video i swear !!!!!!!!!!!

its him watching him him filming him kinda beauuuuuuuuty it was.....

again with the rains adding that bit of beauuuty to simon n garfunkel track playing and the one thing that added that bit of magic was one hashtag saying bluebird..... ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa again him i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if only he knew him being the most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful humanbird!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how much HOW MUCH he is being missed not just everyday but also more with every single drop of rain as it falls......

its like he is living his moment of nostalgia with what so ever memory it could be and there is you living him with every single drop of rain as it rains.....

its like two worlds same visuals.....

yesterday as it was drizzling watching the birds sway across the sky and that feeeeeeel of him and theer was him with that almost exact similar video there calling it nostalgia.....

that one weird madness ting in your mind what if he too was living you in that very moment as it rained......

to make it all the more beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully worse the location says Versova...

that one place that one name and just you knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww what and HOW it makes you still feeel everytime you come across it kaise bhiii !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the waaaay it almost felt like sharing the same vibes in two different locations.... and yet tied together !!

even as you feeeeeeel that ajeeeb si beauuuutiful vibe watching those two over n over again that one self talk mode happening on the inside mad you are !!!!!!!

but smthings you cant help charlie just cant help !!!!!!!!

the waaaaaaaaaay it that beauuuuuutifully strongly makes you feel that !!!!!!!!!!!!!

connected to Him...

like living the same feeel same moment even in each others absence.....

like youve always shared that smthing with him ever since the start.... like tied to him with invisible strings...

just that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully tied to Him !!!!!!!!

in that moment if only you could just jumppppp away into that moment and chummmiiiiiii his mind awaaaay i swear !!!!!!!!!!

Him, everywhere...

sooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

from that corner the more him you could feeeeel rush through you !!!!!!!!

like after that memory recall there you were completely lost that one need to just be awaaaaaaay tabiii k tabii....

but you couldnt plug in his music one ear plugged and feel that lostness for a bit.....

and you get a call from your friend asking where you were n all cause she felt she saw you n all and finally decide to have lunch with her.....

headover to a closeby restaurant with your mom and her for lunch..... you still lost with your mom n her talking you looking yaha waha with THAT much him rushing through you.... its that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful restlessness charlie these moments these memories you hold your mind away from reliving cause you knowwwwww the after feeels of these memories and the feeeeeeeeeling they leave you with is smthing you just cant get over or do anything bout !!!!!!

that beautiful restlessness with THAT much him rushing through you his music playing hoping it would make it better lilst bhi....

and this one table on your side one kid with beautiful brown curly hair just like his back then wearing a navy blue shirt smthings you just donnoooooooooooooo call it coincidence or just magic.....

turns around looks at you and that very first thing the kid does is his epic signature nose twitch expression that very moment you just get off go to the table and just run your hand in the hair and the kid holds your hand showing away some batman toy in the hand !!!!!!

it was like toooooooooo many him moments in one.....

batman too with that channel batdad thing that one feeeeel he'll make the same kinda dad.....

to that shirt color to the hair of the kid and if all these werent enough that one face the kid makes very first thing his nose twitch expression and you were gone poora kaaa poooooooooooraaaaaaa gone.....

that need to just be away get away from the kid and rush to the washroom and just be.....

up the volume of his music both earplugged and just be for a bit..... take a selfie there with that same expression of his.....

and i swear charlie it was the worst pic cause nobody does a nose twitch the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he does !!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one bunch of adoooooooorableness he is i swear !!!!!!!!

no kid nobody in the world could possibly do it as adooooorable or even closest to what he used to !!!!!!

head out back to the table and the kid still looking at you trying to call you back and the food wsnt there yet head out this time and just sit at this table out and look up and these birds flying over and this one bird sort of looks like it was dancing away to his music that you were listening to.....

and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him again his arms wide open almost bout to take a flight that one most beauuuuuuuuutiful human bird i say !!!!!!!!

it was like toooooo many sudden flashes of him one after the other his zoooomed in flashes is when it all only starts to get that beautifully worse....

head back in cause even in the birds all you could see feeeeel live was him with his beauutiful arms wide open....

back to the table and your friend had called for some drink and asks you to try it have a sip or two tastes good but tooo strong that hits your head.....

dizzzy head with more him rushing through you.....

all day yesterday there was sonu nigam playing n the radio as it was birthday or smthing and this one song plays and you were all the more lost - ab mujhe raat din !!!!!!!!!!!

smthings some daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays i swear !!!!!!!!!!!! 

Yesterday...

soooooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!

this neeeed for sudden diverting of the mind before it slips awaaaay again !!!!!!!!

sooo yahhhhhhh after the happiest start of the day yesterday when your mom mentions bout wanting to go for shopping the very first place you think of inorbit mall.....

again one of those first places where he holds your hand in public this time after watching you get confused bout stepping on the escilator....

out there yaha waah and that feeeeel of him still there despite of the place completely different now.....

this one corner of the mall there was this one lil designer store and he sees some white dress in the window and walking yaha waha again goes back  tothe same store and just stands there watching it and then watches you back.....

and you just nod away cause it had a low neck and almost an open back and tiniest noodle strap kinda dress but knee length.....

and the way he again just waits and still looks at you and then back the dress again....

this time you just had to for him....

step in and he asks you to try it on and waits for you outside.....

the sec you wear it like alwasy dont even see it for yourself and that need to show him first.....

cover yourself with the chunni you had on.... like the sleeves and the back part.....

dont step out and the way knowing you he makes sure to jsut outside the trial room door.....

open the door and the sec he seees you that one khushiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii on him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one face i swear that one khushiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii making you feel the prettiest one on the face of this planet i say despite of still being covered.....

and that one look of his hindi translation baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh bas ek look charlie daaaamnnnnnn it smthings you jsut cant write out in hindiii.............

the waaaaaaay he just stays still lookng at you and just by the way he looks at you and you know he wanted you to turn around and show him the dress..... with just one nod of his asking you chunnii off ke liyee....

and as you turn around and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!

and then standing with him still watching you waiting for you to look up at him now.....

it was the most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful moment again one of those first times of your life with him.... be it wearing a dress like that one for the first time and then to share it with him share you with him......

and then that after feeel of looking away and that neeeeeeeeed to hide away in him only which obvsly you couldnt being a public place....

the way he dheere see says karely and you finally look up and that one nod from him in ishaara asking you to change back....

done changing the sec you step out the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he holds your hand tighter all of your palm that  tighter on your way out of the store looks yaha waah and just chummiss away your hand.......

after that moment the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just kept looking at you that feeeeeeeeeeeeel of his love for  you that you could sense in the way he was holding you or when you hold his arm the way he was keeping you closest......

dosnt say a word nothing at all for those few hours that you walk yaha waah in the mall..... once in the car the way he dheere se mentions bout the laal mole and the kaala mole peeche..... and that adoooorably smiles awaaaaaay and then jokes bout saying you never told me bout it karely.....

that moment for you was finallly you could live that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of hiding awaaaaaay from him in him.....

and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he holds you even closer as you hide away in him !!!!!!!!!!

ineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee misss huaaaa ekdumm seeeeeee tho ronaaaa ataaaaaa ab ekdum seeeeeeeee itttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa pyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar aaaake misss huaaaaaa tabbbb biiiiiiiii ronaaa kaikuuuuuuuu araaaaaaa ekdum seeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that much love !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the most beauuuuuuutiful moments of your life, laced with Him... each one of them !!!!!!!!!!

that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully laced with him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chipppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Youuuuuuuuuuu were missed the mostest this very moment here abiiiiiiiiii k abiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

abiiiiiiiiii k abiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii uskuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu chummiiiiiiiiii wali feeeeeeeeeling lag jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!

aur ye biiii lagnaaaaaaa ki meich chummmi maari bolkeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!! 

To know you...

to just feeel that vibe of woaah someone knows you waaay more than you or anybody in your family did is prolly  the most beautiful thing.....

to just feeeeeel it !!!!!!

and ever since that first talk with him those meets every meet the waaay it only kept growing, him knowing you way more than you ever did or your mom did.....

like lilst of things and the way it would make you go back home and question your mom if at all she knew that bout you be it your habits or those black spots on you like you asking her if she knew you had on your chin under your jaw on your hand kinda questions.....

to your annoying habits of one thing landing to the other like asking her did she know that if you do this this is what you would do next....

it was THAT khushiiiiiiiiii of just realizing the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays he just knew you.....

and teh waaaaay he took that thing of knowing you to the most beauuuuutiful level in that recent meet....

smthings you dont wanna write dint write for years now kept your mind off cause you knewwwwwwww the after feeels the state of mind it would land you in...

but for today like you just need to this very same day !!!!!!!!

when he did give you yet again one of those most beauuuuuutiful moments of his love for you....

having feared just the thoguht of it almost all your life the waaaaaay he just holds your head and pulls you closer like not letting you know initially bout the moment...... and holds away in chummmii and takes away that fear of your life and fills it with his love.... just looks at you chummming you away through the moment......

initially after same look away from him and he plays a movie and still keeps looking at you and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings to write as you just hold the key look at the screen and have this smile on cause you wanna write and cant write too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

it was that feeeeeeling charlie that one thing bout that fear of your life for that very same thing..... almost all your life you feared the feel of it thought of it llike there was always that thing bout fear attached to it.....

and the other thing bout years in love and finally to live the love and whoo bhi the waaaaay he was just there with you holding you away dheeree se knwoing your reaction how it might just shake you away knwoing your fear for it..... the waaaaaaaaaaaay he just knew you in  that very moment too.....

cause otherwise he lets you set yourself free and chilllaaaaaa awaaay literally through moments but like that day he knew there would be that sense of fear of that shaking you away kinda thing..... holding you through !!!!!!!!

when after writing you realize you wrote out too many details you shouldnt have openly but this one state of mind just reliving that day reliving that sense of him knowing you loving you THIS much is making you feel in this very moment here !!!!!!!!!!!1

might delete tomo or later or the very next sec but in thsi moment here this need to write out to feel out the moment.....

SMTHINGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this mind now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ek hotaa theers no love charlie and ek hotaaa when theres this much love and yet..............................

First sound3!!!!!

its like he always knew you much before you !!!!!

a lil back story on how in different phases you did sort of felt that love for the strings or the sound....

from being amused by the way the music teacher used to hold that veena or sitar with her long hair tied in a choti with mogra flowers all through gracefully siting and holding the veena and plays it and you would just sit there waiting for her to be done just so you could get ur chance on holding the veena.....

soon as she would leave you obvsly couldnt hold it so you would just sit there stringing making some sound with that hope someday you will learn it and hold it and play it.....

just like you did wnat to a zillion other things including classical dance form too....

to this other instance when your moms brother would come down to india and you would be there with family to meet most importantly your brother..... and the mama would spread out eveything that he had purchased on the way from dutyfree or smthing like one of those show off things with you your sister bro standing on one side just looking at those things for mama's daughter n son by then.....

and it was one of those yearly visits that mama did bring this one dancing doll box thing.....

like this one box thing which is common now then itw as a big deal almost magical....

like you open it and a dancingdoll in a ballerina pose would pop out to that peculiar slow tone of the keys...

and again you never were the dolls kind but jst that sound amuses you the sound ofthe keys.....

and you keep asking mama to open it again n aain just so you could hear that sound.....

that was then and yesterday the same sound closest same sound with his song....

now you have your own sound that which you dont have to ask anybody to play like you can just play the most loved sound of yours as a kid.....

its this thing that you always had with him shared with him and he did with you...

this one bond this one smthing that neither can he deny that he feels it cause he did mention many a times having felt the same and nor can you get used to !!

or not be amaaaazed by it as and whn you feel it realize it relive it time n again.....

you have always been Him..... like every lil thing bout you he knew even much before you did..... every lilst of thing.....

and the way unknowingly he did gift you away with  this one sound you loved that much as a kid that you did even forget bout.....

cause now its only like the things to do with him is smthing you manage to remember the rest is all just blur...

again not smthing intentional but just the way it is now..... priorities i tell you !!

though the lyrics go smthing like its not 2009 anymore or the title has those feels of someone coming over  to meet him and all but for you it comes your sound a sound just for you !!!!!!

how why what you donnooo you dont care it just is for you !!!!!!!!

smthings i tell you waaaay beyond than just the word beauuuuuty and waaaay beyond the logics !!!!!!!! 

First sound2!!

soo yahhhhhhh !!!!!!!!

where to where only its going.....

like you could still feeeeel that much love from him definitely way more than you do bhi and yet there was that gap that distance there.....

and everytime you could only feeel he loved you more than before.... like that strongly could sense feel it in the waaaaaaaay he looked touched or just be standing there jsut when you are bout to leave....

his eyes all of him that one word dont go and him with his words saying otherwise.....

even as you write now that one visual you are just bout to step down the stairs and teh waaaaay he was still standing there leaning out still looking at you still wanting you not to leave....

there used to be that one twinkle that one spark in his eyes charlie that first sec he sees you after the gap like that ting bolkeee in his eyes that shines through and makes him smileeeeeeeee that smile of his.....

like that first spark twinkle in his eyes from his eyes to his lips to that one signature smileeeeeeeee of his just like back then when he used to smileeeeee the sec he sees you there was that khushiiiiiiii of your presence....... who hotaaa nai mirror mein deke tho apni reflection dikti there was him your reflection like you could see yourself in him the way your presence would reflect in all of him !!!!!!!

soooooooooooooo yahhhhhhh when you totaaaaaally lost out on what you wanted to write and landed just where you wanted to keep your mind off...... the "recent" meeet with his pssssssychedelic t shirt on from those gym days..........

smthinsg nai kuchhhhhhhh biiiiiiiii karlooooooooo bas nikaaaal he ataaaaaa !!!!!!!

kitttaaaaaa bi rokoooooooo dimaaaag kuu bas wahiii jaake atak thaaaa like alwasy !!!!!

YEARS !!!!!!!!!!!

even standing there just before leaving lilst bhiii malooom rehtaa thaa nai.....

hau kyaaaa karlete theee anyway !!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooo yah the first sound.....

today the sec  you are home and your mom watching some classical music prog and you sit down to take off your chappals and the very first thing she tells you is which till date she never did is you can design for other people but your own jeans you cant get it altered right......

that one moment that one comment of hers you looking down taking off the chappal and that one lil moment of khushi inside just watching your jeans fold......

like you just stay that way just so you could live that moment for your own and get a hold on your smile living him.....

that very sec still looking at your own jeans that one visual of him standing there looking at you and nodding his head awaaaaaaaaaaaay that adoooooooooooorably and that one chuckle of his saying hw do you even teach the kids when you look like a kid yourself look at your jeans.... alter nai karne hotaa kyaa hai woh fold.....

and the sec you unfold and jhatko the stones or smthing off the jeans that louder chuckle of his watching your madness showing him off the hidden fold.....

its only then strikes him ab samaj aya whoo stone mere bed pe kaisaa aya....

like he would joke bout smthing but watching you wear the chappals just bout to leave and the waaaaaaaaaay he was standing a lil away and still looking at you without even blinking.....

like you couldnt look down at the chappal and wear it the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay his stare just holds you awaaaaay like a sec back him joing bout the jeans to the waaaaaay he was now looking at you that same feeeeeeeeeeeling of being held by his stare like you cant move dont wanna move wali feeeeling.......

it was that feeeeeeling of him hitting that pause in you just by standing there not saying a word nothing at all and just hitting that pause away and you just be.....

only after he lived your presence for as long as he wanted to he gets back  to talking again.... again tells you get it altered no !!

and you just nod away knowing very well knowing now that was all the more reason for you to definitely not alter it......

when your own jeans fold now has Him....

once you were done with living him in that jeans moment.... just bout to hea dto your room to change and all and the way your mom says watching that prog saying how as a kid you wanted to learn the sitar as you loved it that much.....

and that pull head over to your mom instead.... ekdum see those flashbacks of your love for sitar or veena or smthing it was called when you had seen that music teacher in your building and since then that love for sitar has been there.....

those few moments her talking bout your love and fascination with it and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel charlie.....

it wasnt just that one song of saathiya ye tune kya kiya did he bring along with his love....

the very time he shares gypsy soul and calls you a string that holds him...

like he tells you you were like the string of the sound just like that sound in the song holding him.....

its that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty sheeeeer beauty of some moments like these when you realize smthing you always knew.....

it always had to be him, you always had him in you shuru see.......

it always had to be Him...!

The first sound...

talking bout questions when you live a day like yesterday there is that thing like eveything else disappears and all that is left is his presence and what and how he made you feel even be it in the dream bhi.....

like all that matters like always is how he made you feel even be it for a moment bhi.....

his touch him holding your hand him looking at you in a way asking you to connect the dots and see the places he was taking you to like telling you all this while he has only loved you and he is still there and will be there.... like he was only there to remind you his love all of love right from the very start to the opera like place and then tells you when he just sees that unsurity in you like you dont tell him a thing or ask anything but just try to keep yourself away by trying to leave his hand and the waay he only holds you closer and then tells you he is not going anywhere.....

where the other side of it being him only trying to keep himself away...

like after the bup the love has only been in gaps with no continuation with no assurance of a tomorrow or for that matter the next moment bhi.... like there have been times when he immediately blocks you right after you left his place bhi.... like that urgent need of block that immediate need to keep you off and that somehow never made sense cause you still felt that almost same love of his but without that one need of his for wanting you to be there.....

like that was missing !!

it never made sense, years later still dosnt.....

but that one thing was there still is and continues to be there......

its that thing bout love and relationships charlie like initially its all good but as the  time goes by you sort of get used to with love like you dont feeeel it as much as you did in the start kinda logic.....

be it passion or the intensity of love like that want to love that strong need to love sorts of fades away cause maybe one tends to get used to loving but only with time the level somehow sort of goes low with time.....

this thing bout his love like yours has been constant only growing with every sec not even just a day but that feeeeeel to know you are not the only one.....

every time you met him that one look that first look from him like you could just strongly that strongly feeeeeeeeeel it in you that strongly feeeel his love for you......

even the sec before you are bout to leave the waaaaaaaaaaaay he would just look at you like you could see feeel sense all of him head  to toe wanting you to stay wnating you not to leave and then there wwere his words telling you otherwise....

the way he almost leans out of the door right before you leave lik all of him that badly and beauuuuuuuuuutifully wanting  you to stay.....

why his words still wasnt saying the same never made sense....

like there was that thing bout him holding back himself like not really telling you not really showing you in a way how much he still loved you but you could just feeeeeeel it even in that sec when he keeps telling you to leave as itw as getting late and you refuse to and keep walking around him and holding him by the waist like just trying to make the most of his presence for those last few mins...... just before leaving....

thinking of it now this very same day years back it only makes sense why you dint want to leave then....

why you were making the most by just holding onto him a lil more every sec passing by !!!!!!!

smthings you relive some moments you visually live and write and now this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling when you were bout to write smthing and it held you and pulled you over to the moment of this very same day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lil did you knooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww YEAAAAARS it will be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A zillion questions...

when you pas out morning still writing over the laptop and your mom wakes you up asking you to sleep properly and stop talking.....

that swhen you realize you still were talking smthing in mind still writing him...

how why what it gives you you still donnoooo but its like that need just that need to write him cause you cant tell him you cant talk to him you cant message txt or whatever anything him....

and with that THAT much him still in you like keeping it to yourself and not telling him how much you miss him in waaaaays you missed not being able to say it all and for that matter not being able to sya it out to anybody anything at all and like this was the only waaay you could say it all out like just get it out of you......

with that feeeel of atleast you said it !!

its like there is this ocean of questions things you want to tell him ask him most importantly but the sec even for that lilst sec he msgs you for you couldnt say a word.....

cause you were that caught up with his picture with his presence with that feeel need to live him bas.....

also cause you coudlnt save the pic and knowing he dint really add you back or smthing cause you couldnt save his pic neither could you see his status.... and that feeeling still there anytime now he will block you back and instead of seeing his msg you just be livin him.... and of all the pictures things he couldve worn it was that one jacket.....

that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful him wrapped up in the most beautiful memory of your life.... one of the most beautiful memories actually !!

it was that feeeeel of the end of missing and coming  together of being together...

like you just see him live him and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the him from back then plays through you his daaaadi in the pic his almost straight face and his eyes hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm his eyes you could happppppily drown away in......

just the waaaaaaaaay he looks in that pic with that feeeeel of almost looking through you his signature stares i say !!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooo yaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!

again where to where only!!!!!!!!

and when he asks whats new there was that ocean of questions you wanted to ask nd then there was that one feel just that one thought anytime any moment now he will anyway block you back what was the point even..... like you ask smthing expect some reply when there is that scope space for sorting smthing out or clearing smthing out but in that moment when you realize he was just there for that momen for a min or max two....

and you just let it be....

no questions asked no expectation for a reply and you just be instead what he had to ask or say.....

and jjust make the most of living him for as long or as lil as you could.....

that one helplessness when you couldnt save the picture was teh worst of all !!!!!!

i swear charlie more than anything even his fractionth sec of presence all that it left you with was not being able to save that one picture of his !!!!!!!

agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain where to where !!!!!!!!

soooo yahhhh !!!!!!!!1

when your mom mentions bout you still talking and you realize theres that much you want to tell him and you couldnt and the way it lead to this...... writing yourself out somewhere kahi tho in some corner thats just yours.....

be it a good day happy day or most importantly when its a bad or even worse day just that neeeed to write yourself out just so you get that feeel of having shared it....

its complete madness but also prolly the only thing that still keeps you sane...

with all this running through your mind and not knowing where you are heading, this thing bout still being able to write yourself out write him out most importantly keeps you sane...

missing him and then finding him like it did become that one beautiful purpose happiness contentment in life i say....

coming back to that one question of his what if some day I'm not there how will you be without me....

never for a day not even for a second...

one smthing you could never learn to be with !!

its the Him that you live through that completes your life, completes you...!

Waking up.....

when you live a start like that one today lil do you know nai whats there ehad of you.....

lik in your mind you were still heading out for work but a few sudden calls and change of plans and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him on every step almost bringing you mindfully closer to the date back then of meeting him again that need to skip last - recently !!

it was gurupurnima !!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooo yaaaaaaaaaaaaah not going there agaaaaaaaaain.................

lilst of moments and that feeeeel of him from ths morning only growing closr.....

like it was only making more sense why he kept saying im here karely im not going anywhere..... like he was assuring you taking you to his places cause you that baaaaaaaaaaaaadly missed his presnece pasing by sanghi on the way to tirupati....

and like today he filled up tat missing toooo.....

by taking you there holding you closer and reasuring you bout his presnece and his love for you by holding you closer to him.....

and not letting you leave his hand......

if you add logic it makes no sense but te waaaaaaaay it jus feels all more coonected .... like you feeeeel that sense of smthing and the waaaaaaaaaay his presence was in a way clearing it all out by just saying a few words.....

holding you teh way he used to making you sure you know you feeel he is not leaving you not letting go of you.....

to these moments through the day and that one n only word ringing through you throughout the day no wonder you felt him that way ths morning !!!!!!!

His music n your mind !!

this one stange habit aaj kal ab ab when you get dreams likethese wen he si trying to sya smthing to you like you know making you realize smthing wth a ting that stronglyyyyyyyyy lik you can just feeeel some dreams to be that different to the usual looooooove filled ones.....

whn you are lost or you are tooo happy or down with some fever or smthing like you feeeeel him tha stornglyyyy and lil more sronglyyy than the usual stornflyy.....

and this one thing the sec you are up from a dream like that one to see his channel for sm song like like hoing if it connected withw hat you just felt.....

iskiii ek aur styleee malooom chalieeee ineeee gaaane like maaraa like maaraaa and u got used oto finding more his music filling up all the qustions confusion runing throgh ur mind with his music.... aur stopp maaaraaa thooo aisaaaa maaaara ekdummm no noting.....

n that made u wait serahc look for more his music.....

with that echooo of his adoorable voice in words....

sab sun whoo artist ke...

his words come with his sound....

and evrtime you miss his music to peace ur chaso that same ting rnsge through u sab sunn who aritst ke....

and you do the smae.....

but its that weir dtrsnafe made logic chaliee.....

lik in tht very moment to see smthing of him lik msuic sense meinnn.... jst so you feeel that connectin and dont end up clling feeeling it be ur own madness.....

this monring tooo tat same routine see his chanel and nothing.....

finally with that mind still trippin you get ready n jst step out in ur place to see teh weather it was feeeeeeeeezing cold.....

almst taking denim jcket skip and stand there feeeling his khaki jacket insted......

smtings you can never get used to or amused by.....

that same touch that sameeeeeeeeeeee feeeeeeeeeeeel of his jacket......

nd the sec you wear it that need to hold yoruself onlyyyy wth that feeeeeeel of him......

paaaaataaaaaaaaa nai kaiseeeeeeeeee but that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeel like you are holding him coveerd in all him !!!!!!!!!!!!!

that very same feeeeeeeeeeling through the complete day coveered in and all by him !!!!!!!

Holding on holding only part smthing!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

frm that momnt of touch of his jacket ever since then like that feeeeeeeeeeeel of him wit his jacket on has beeen that feeeeeel of missing him and living him with that touch.....

like that feeel of his presence after not that long back then stil with you.....

like you can feeeeeel that tinkle smthing on your fingers the waaaaaay it makes you feel yourself whn you wear it.....

from wer to wer onlyyyyyyyyy it went !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooo yahhhhhhh ever since that pic of his and that feeeeeeeeel of then and now like that change that differnrnce......

from loving you wanting u that bad in his life to this now.............

tht lilst sec of block!!!!!!!!!

tht quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even the bink of an eye woud be longer itttttttttttttteeee fataaaaak seee malooom chalie.........

soooooooo yahhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

tht one feeeeeeeel like mized feeeeeeling be it that pain of change or to just feeeeeeeeel that pic more......

and u finallly poooora besaharaam hokeee ask him for the pic cos you coudnt get a pic bka then an dnow after seeeein him in a simlar jacket like basssss honaaaaaaaaa thaaaaaaaa chalieeeeeeee kaiseeee biii karkeeeeeeee...........

cos for you it was that same him in that jacket..... and u just wnted to havethat feeeeeel that one love from that moment in this pic of his with you......

jawaaab ni ayaaa not tht expcting but fir biii ek finall baaar bas pic thoo biii mil jaataaa thaaa....

that one feeeeeeeel of all of this and that feeeeeeeeel of that slap of blok......

and waiseee biii kaiii baar ayaaaa uneeeeee but aaaaaaaj subaaah to anther level only i say !!!!!!

on a mountain lil mountain peak and you walk to somewhere.....and that touch of his even beofr you could make sense of it the waaaaaay he jst holds your hand and makes you walk fatser with him.....

and try to move bck like you dint wnt to get used to that feeeeling likesmthing in you pulling back.... and the way he holds your hand tighter and close r t ohim...... pulling you litreally towards him jus sooo you walk fatser with him..... and as  you walk still loookig at him wondring when he would leave or diappear..... and these bells ringing the sound of temple bells the sound that familar......

and as you look arond the mountain was taller like dooor dooor sab aorund dikraa tha..... and to his side this some temple like wsnt clear anything around him the moutain the city dooor that uc dould see everyting apart frm him was that blur complete bur like u could only seee him that clear.....

him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa him that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful in a navy blue shirt and kaki chadddis... daaaaaaaaaadi in fulll bloooooooom i say his smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee fullllessssssst beauuuuuuuuuuutifulllest bloooom his eyes ek psy beeeedi maarke uthkeee ayaaaa ni bas ditttooooooooooo same to same face ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it only makes him loook that beaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifullll !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

happpppppppy highhhhhhh face of his is the ultmate definitoon of love passion adorableneeeesssss yummmmnesss allneeess in one visual i say !!!!!!!!!

like whooo dilemaaaa waaal situatiion hoo jati malooom iskuuu khaaaaaaaajaaaaaaanaaa yaaa bas  to live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his..... like not misssing ut any expressin of his when that beauuuuuuuuuuutifully happpy high or make the most of it byyyyyyy etaing him awaaaaaay only is ay.....

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhh agaaaaaain wer to wer !!!!!!!!!

and u try t ostop to take a loook and he againn pullls you clser making you contnue the walkk and a few steps awaaay themore you lve him that one strangeee fear in you watching him hold your hand teh waaaaaaaaay he was ab chodtaaa ab chodtaaa and that feeeeeel that fear makes you wnt to leave his hand..... you try to move your hand away like stp walking and try to move your hand awaaay and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he comes close takes your face in his hands and just stays looking at you......

like just lives that moment lives thta feeeeeeeeeel with you and just by the waaaaaaaaay he watches you kyaaaaaa huaaaaaaa ni maloooom and you just hold his hand get bck to walking.... like he just dosn that and moves away and waits ifnow youll hold his hand and you do.....

a lil steps away and this one white temple on his side again..... and as you seee stll walking n ask him sabbb tere sideee pe kaikuuu areee meraaa side why its plain without anyting.... and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just nodssssssss awaaaaaaay that nod of his sgnature nod of his at your madness faltuu quetions.....

a few steps awaaay and you ask him agaiann ye kyaa hai sab like you know whta that place was it was sanghi before that it was the stadium place but like u coudnet make sense of where he was tking you and what those plances meant.....

and you stop and ask him what it was and the waaaaaaaay he again does that same thing takes your face in his hands like he used to back then and says im here im not going anywhere im here karely.....

and you ask him again that you know but what  those places were.....

like where we going and the waaaaaaaaaaaay he nods again that beauuuuuutifully smiles awaay that one smile when you dont get what he was trying to tell you.... which even after waking up you oculdnt....

and as he tries  to move this time you hold his hand closer and tighter with that fear again what if he leaves your hand and he again tells you holding your hand closer to his seeena this time saying im here karely im not going anywhere... and that one word trust me.... im not going anywhere!!

holds your hand that way and takes few more steps adn this time pulls you closer to him letting your head be over his shoulder.....

holding all of you this  time closes to him..... and you walk some more....

and this one turn or smthing and you wakeup wth that same echo of his voice still there again even after you woke up for the first ttime ever im here karely......

like you clearly remember your eyes open with that same search on ur pillow for him for his shoulder to leane over for his smelll as you take those usual deep breathes to smell his persence and you coud still hear him im here karely !!!!!

and the waaaaaaaaaaay that shakes you up with just that thought how could you stlll hear that echo of his voice that clear......

The Holding on 2!!

soooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!1

last few days and the more reliving it was hurting you like literally cosing you that weird pain that dont just feel in one corner but all of you like you can feeeeeeeeeel it ws hurting.....

like there was that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of the same him the same smiliar jacket and that evening......

wne he comes down to see you ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lift keee baars mein seee uneeeeee pooori daaaaaaadi that jacket of his his beauuuuuuutiful messy hair and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one happppppppppppy high shyyy waliiiiiiiiiis smileeeeeeeeeeeeee o fhis and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay his eyes light up the sec hee sees you...........

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa just the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he smiiiiiiiileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees that smileeeeeee with eeys that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully lit uppppppp and you fataaaaak seee open the lift fataaak even before it complletly lands and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just holds you awaaaaaaaaaaaay with that one sound of your name kareeeeeelyyyyyyyyyyy the sound of his voice the sound of the waaaaaaaaaay he says your name ike you could feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel that missssseing in his voice in his touch the waaaaaaaaaaay he holds you awaaaaaaaaaay and says you name......

holds you up and awaaaaaaaaay in the air and then holds you that waaay and just watches youuuuu with that ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hisssssssssss happpppppppppppy high faceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i telllllllllllll you abiiiiiiiiii waliiiii meiii jooo uneeeee banayaaaa nai tab rehnaaaaaaaa thaaaaaaaaaa i sweaaaaaaaaaar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

tabiiiiiiiii khaaaa letiiii thiiiii but abbb sooooooooooooooooooooooooo yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah notttttttttttt going thereeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa his faceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i elll you even relving it now that viewww as you look down and seee his face seeeee him looking at you the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he was that one spot that one him and just your world........

the only place where you belong!!!!!!!!!!!

the only place you could call your world life heart love madness bachpan passion breath pure sheer madness !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

everything that life comes with - HIM !!!!!!!!

like right there as you look at him and live that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of realizing how much like kitttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa he had become that not just part of you but all of you !!!!!!!!!!!

like that distance made you realize uneeeeeee kaisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa utttaaaaaa sab ban gayaaa thaaa c charlie.....

like how to seee him live him to be held by him to be loved by him had become your life like to just live him had become that must must in your life !!!!!!!

that you cant do without !!!!!!!

be it then or today now in this moment , smting you could never learn to be without him......

to the waaaaaaaay he just holds your hand and takes you to your steps place and trie sto hold you and pull back and just live his beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty feeeeeeeel his face his fully grown beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of the daaaaaaadi and that was the first time you felt that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his daaaaaadi and looooooooooooooved every hair of it i say !!!!!!!!!!!!

the waaaaaaaaaay he just lets you live him be it touching every lil detail of his his lashes too his eyebrows like you were making the most of all those days that you mised out on touching feeeeeeling living him......

and that neeeeeeeed to feeeeel his daaadi for the first timeeee and as you do with your face over hsi daaaad the waaaaaaaaaaaay he chuckles awaaaaaaay that adooooooooooorably kareeeeely ticleee horaaaa and the sec he chummiiiis your nose awaaaay basssssss khalaaaaaaaas melt mode !!!!!!!!!!!!!

woooooooooooooooooosh bokkeeeeeeeee melt hooo jaaati thiii charlie.........

like until that you could just beeeeeee living him frm a diatnce but the sec he would do that bas khaaaalaaaaaas not a sec not an inch awaaaaay from him............ to just melt awaaaaaaay in him.......

wooooooooooosh bookllkeeeeeeee.............

feeeel your face over his jacket as he holds you awaaaaaaaaaay in his arms and te more it make syou hide awaaaaay in him whooooooooo feeeeeeeeeeel hotiiiiiii thiii charlie......

cheeks peee uskiii jackeeeet kaaa uskeeee seeeneeeee ka feeeeeel to just feeeeeeeel his presence that close to you and the more you write noww........ ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa utiiiiiiiiii kusshiiii hokeeeeee abiii ekdummmm yaaaad aaakeeeeee ankh seee  tapkiii.......

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ab tumaaaaaaaaraaaaaaaa seeeeeeeena yaad aaaaaakeeeeeeeeee missssed Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aisaaaaa kaikuuuuuuuuu detiallll mein yaaaad kiyeeee thoooo ekdummmmmmm seeeeeeeee aisaaaaaaaaaaaa hooo jaaataaa andaaar pooora..........

Holding on...

first the dream !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

last few days like  you cn feeeeel him moreee the waaaays you dream of him the more pain you feeel......

whooo hotaaa nai charlie zamaaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaaa wait kiyeeee and bas aankh jhapkiii aur uneee gayab is baaar the fatest ever again !!!!!!

like iss baaaar uneee joo biii karraaaaaa aisaa kabiii pehleee ni kiyaaa be it longest block longest time no seeeeeeeeeee cccccccccc noooooooooo seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee CCCCCCCCC nooooooooo seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee............... to longest time unblocked to longest time havent heard seeen him to the fastet time limit of unblocing n blocking back!!!!!!!!

like that fraction window of the block made you feeel even worse !!!!!!!!!

lieke poooraaa ajeeeeeb waliii bucket mein dooobaaaaaaa diyaaaaaaaaaaaa bhuchuuuuuuuk bolkeeeeee..........

ek second mein.....

like abiii thooo You too take care sochuuu boluuuu aur gayabbbb!!!!!!!!

like for that one sec t made you shut yoru eeys and recall if it did happen for real was he there for real or again for the godzilliontentime you were dreaming.....

but naiii uneee actual meinn ayaaaaaaaaaa aur zooooooooooopest bolkeeeeee gayab biii.....

matlab olyyyy thing would beee imagine just imagineeee charlie uskuuu merseeeeeee kitttteeeeeeeeeee higheeeeets levelll kiiii whooo this word aaaj suniiii gallleeeeeeeeeeziyaaat hai merseee ki fataaaaaaaaaaak seee block maaaraaa......

witout wasting even a singel sec more..... fataaaaaaak seee gayaaab1

imge the level of galeeeezyaaat merseeee!!!!!!!

this was what was runine through ur mind makin you feeeeeel even moreeeee galeeeeeezyaaaaaaat wala wortest!!!!!

like aisaaaaa meiiii kyaaaaaa kariii ki uskuuuuuuu merseeee aisaaa kyaaaaaaa huaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

with days passing by it only keeept getting worse wit that feeeeeeeeel of his picture.....

like whooooooooo din thaaaaaaaaaaaa that much looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove of his uskeeee us jackeeet mei liptaaa huaa.....

eve now shut yoru eyes and teh waaaaaaaaaaaaay that moment that meeet that touch that holding him still this clear like it was jst yesterday..........

to just seeeeee him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that wiat in your eyes to just seeeeeeeeee him that first sec you seeee him after that long ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa bhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa smeeeeeeeeethings you writeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after that long kateeeeeeeeee howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tumaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaari aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaj jittttiiiiiiiiiiiiiii yaaaaaaaaaaaad ariiiiiiiiiiii aisiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii pehleeeeeeeeeeee kabiiiiiiiiiiiii iteeeeeeeeee saloooooooooo mein nai ayiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii aaaaaaaaaaj abiiiiiiiiiiiiiii this very second i saaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ab thooooooooooooo tumkuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu meriiiiii cheeeek biii sunai denaaaaa i say misssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu waliiiiiiiiiiiii abi k abiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

never mattered never will !!

hau padtaa kab kabi padtaaa jabbb zooooorki uskiii yaad atii uskuuu zooop bolkeeee pakadnaaaaa zooooooop bolkeeee khaaaaaaa jaaanaaaaaa yaaa bas pakad keee sonaaa ka mann hotaaa tab tab gussaa ataaa uspe kabi apnee aap pe zyaadaaa kaikuuu zaraaaa do teeen saal chotaaa nai banaya yaa uskuu merse badaaa kyuuu nai banayaaa.....

but one thing bas reh jataaaa this how you feeeeeeel be it in the chotaaaaest moments through the day yaaaaaaaaaaa fir jab uneeeeeeeeeee aisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ataaaaaaaaaaaa ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just comesssssss sapneee mein i mean !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it slike he is guiding you connectin the dots for you like making you realize making you see his love fo ryou even in his absence...... like even though you were leavig his hand the waaaaaaaaaay he was holding onto you making you hold onto his hand even when you struggle to let go of his hand the waaaaaaay he was holding onto you tighter closer just so you stay that way just soooooo you hold onto him.....

kitttaaaaaa biii karlu upset holuuu thodaaa daru wale phase pe chali jauuu kuch bhii hooo this one constant charlie uneeeeeee bas poooori ki pooooooooooooooooori jaaaaaaan meri !!!!!!!!!!!!!

merkuuu aur kuch farak nai padtaaa koi biii farak nai padtaaaa bas uneeeeee meri poooori ki poooooori jaaan ban gayaaaaaaaa ayyaaaaaa howlaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!

kaiseeeeeee kabbbbbbb itttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa pyaaaaaaar iitttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa saaaaraaaaaa pyaaaaaar huaaa ki uneeee aisaa waisaaaaaa nai pooora jaaaaaaan ban gayaa meraaaa !!!!!!!!!!

like unenee khudbiiii kuch bhiii karleeee bas uneeee jaaaan meri !!!!!!!!!

my onlyyyyyyyyyy myyyy one n onlyyyyyyyyy pyaaaaaaaar ayyyaaaaaaaaaa kitttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa kiiittttttttttttuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu pyaaaaaraaaaaaaaaaaaaa walaaaaaaaaaa pyaaaar i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa scuhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa delicioussssssssssss lil big kiiittttuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu i saaaaaaaaaaaaaaay !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lil did you knowwwwwwww naiiiiii yeeeee jooo aisaaaaaaa chal keeee araaaaaaaaaaaaa bas zindagi badalneeee wali haiiii !!!!!!!!!!!!

aisaaaa waisaaaaaaaaaa karkeeee jo chalaaaa ayyaaaaaaaaaaa merku saaaath le chalaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!

this morning bas uthkeeee seeeeeedhaaaaaaa uskeeee paaaas dhooodkeeeee chale jaaane ka mannn kiyaa charlie !!!!!!!!!

basss seeedhaaa straight uththeeee se heee bas chale jaaanaaaaaaaa uskeee paaas !!!!!!!!

that one feeeeeeeeeel this morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lil did you know what the day had in store for you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he comes again dream mein and the waaaaaaaaay it just leaves all of you that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully transformed and what bettter way  to feeeeeeeeel him more than be just be covered in all him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

everytime you just touch this jacket feeeeel this jacket its like you are touching him uskuuuuu heee pakdiii waliiii feeeeeeeeeeeling aaati charlie......

all the more makes you feeel yourself cos in your mind its himmmmmmmmmm just that beuuuuuuutifulllllllllllllllyyyyyyyy all him that you are stiell feeeeeeelin!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saving the date and day away...

this is when you missssssss google plus he most wen it comes to adding pics when you are this happpppppppy high i sayayyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!

but first saving the date and day awaaaay !! cause youve been this happpppy after thisssssss long thoooo boss selfie hapfie types thooo bantaa haiii!!!!!!!!!

just howwwwwwwwwwwww just howwwwwwwww lilst of him in these ways makes it all this much more sense like its all connecting the dots together !!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee YOUUUUUUUUUUU preeeeeeety lill big thing You were misssssssssssssssssed zorkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii chummmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii lag jaaaaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaa abiiiiiiiiiiiiii k abiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii uskuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu pooooreeeeeee face peeeeeeeeeeeee i saaaaaaaaaaay ekdum seeeeeeee zorkiiiii geeeeliiiiiiiiiiiii waaali feeeeeling aaajaaana face peee i meannnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aur lagnaaaaaaaa meichhhhhhhh chummmaaaa maari bolkeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

faces of him or faes of happiness i say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPINESS !!!!!!!!!!!

 HAPPINESS HAPPINESS HAPPINESS AYYYAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS MUCH EKDUM SEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when you are this khushhhhhhhhhhhhh after the longest decade possible !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthing again that close to almost seeing him for real wali khushiiiiiii !!!!!!!!!!!

some days bassssssss like it was just made for you !!!!!!!!!

like not jus any date or day of all the days close to 31st july agaaaaaaaain when your minddd feeels going down down whn that sudden realization hits you the last time you met him !!!!!!

soooooooooooo yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah not going there.......

but yaa last few days and the more pain you felt the closer you felt to him......

again one of those 0 logic things but ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hhhaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhh flyiiiiiiiiin highhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oooooooooh soooooooooooooooooooo happppppppppppppy vaaaaaappppppppy highhhhhhhhh i saaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee YOU beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful lil mostest annoyingggggggg big beauuuuuuuuutiful thing how only YOU were missed i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

howwwwwwwww wowwwwwwwwwwwwww onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like  you just wishhhhhh you could screaaaam out loud be it the dream this morning you woke up with or just those tiniest moments through the day ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa daaaaaaaay madeeeee i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and the bigggest TOUCHWOOD possible on the face and everything of this planet i say !!!!!!!!

Realization...

isnt it strange charlie when you are with someone and you think of missing in their presence you barely know or realize the kind of things the waaaaays youll miss them its mostly bout the physical attributes like the chummi or the hug or the touch like you know miss seeing them the way you do in that very moment like missing mostly confined within those limits but as the distance grows so does the definition explanation of the term missing goes waaaaaaaaay beyond than just that.....

like with time with the distance the word the term "missing" is much much more than just the feel of a missing or the sense of missing someones presence...

you dont just miss the person their physical attributes just those obvious things but just the thought of their presence in some corner somewhere just them being somewhere and sharing their presence with someone could be anybody random too just someone passing by and how this whole thought whole vibe of their presence makes you feel is smthing else......

just that thought of reliving the way his sound feels the way his eyes roll the way he just walks the way he just stands the way he just waves his hand to fly away that msoquito or to change that track anything to eveything that lilst of smthing of him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain not wantin to write the state of mind and yet it sort of gets stringed along with one word to the other.... from one feel to the other !!!!!!!!!!!!!

how do people get that lucky get that damn bad fcking lucky to be able to live a moment like that one and not knowing the worth of it like that clueless of it and yet be able to live it charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like how just that lucky !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to pass by him to hear him to just live that one glimpse from him to see him smile talk walk or just be around !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not wanting to write and yet this feeeeeeeeel as you write !!!!!!!!!!!

some state of mind you dont really wanna hear out like its better off in your mind !!!!!!

and yet this need to write to just be able to let it out but now as you do and keep hitting delete with evey word !!!!!!!!!

stranger are the ways of a missing mind !!!!!!!!!!!!

how damn bad lucky i swear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sound in the air...

some nites like this one tonite its just that ironically beautifully quiet and yet there is that sound in the air...

like you can just sense it feel it in the air !!

this one strong feeeeel of smthing and that need to just be out in your place too way too cold tonite and this quiet and yet that some sound like not sure what it is but like that one humm sound in the air like you can just sense it....

and strangely even with no words or particular sound of smthing it just strangely that beautifully feels same as the sound n feel of longing...

be out for a bit longer than you possibly could as it did get this cold after very long and much waay before than winters......

his music playing and yet that feeel n sound of longing playing a sound of their own in the air !!

when theres that much running rushing through you but with toooo much of this strange pain off late you cant seem to get your mind to let it out.... to just let it all out !!

how just how some visuals sort of pull you off n away from everything and land you back in that same spot you saw him in the very similar thing and reminds you of everything in between !!

the changes the distance and everything else.....

like two visuals in the lift to this one and that one wish if you only you did manage to somehow get pictures of him in those very moments......

and this now that you cant have this one tooo and just when youuuuuuuuuuuuu thoughtttttttttt you dint wanna write all thats running one word leads to the other !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exactly why the mind feels this crowded chaotic you choose to stay awaay ......

and there is this beauuuutiful pull of the sound in the air the sound of longing the feel of longing that feels same as your mind on the same lines....

like it just is what you felt it is or its just your longing thats making too much sound out of you so much so that you are able to hear it out echoing out loud !!

nite i tell you mind i tell you this one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel i tell you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and there is that hope his music makes it better hoping it makes it less of what it feels like now !!!!!!

one song after the other one sound after the other...

The walls !!

these words that you come across on one of the pages you follow that goes by smthing like you can only love someone as much as their walls allow you to.....

His lucky back then every time he tried to move his car just bout to leave the way lucky always used to stand closer to the wall and start barking like that need to just be out to jsut get over the wall and just be out.....

and smtimes mostly actually when he couldnt see lucky that way he would take him along mostly when dropping you back home....

same feels what lucky used to feel back then.....

cause on the other side of the wall is Him for you and he did mention similar thing in that Lucky post of his.... when he talks bout luckys issue with the boundaries.....

same feels Lucky !!

with every block of his the way he would sort of raising the bar of the wall around him making you almost unreachable like you couldnt reach out to him.... like with every block the farther you go the difficult it gets to reach to him.....

jsut when you think you could reach him came another brick on the wall making you feel seemingly impossible to reach out to him...

and now you try to not to make those attempts of looking over the wall.....

like you know be try n be content on the other side of the wall....

move back and the waaaaaaay his dreams the moments you live through the day be it the lilst of ones even spotting khaki chaddi legs and shutting your eeys away reliving that moment of him walking back to his apartment where you could just see his legs and hands in his pocket as he walks back to his bombay apartment.... making the most of him as you could live through the lil auto wala back window.....

these moments keeping you sane bringing you closer where you feel the most you feel the almost alive sense of smthing......

they just make you happy even be it for a moment cause you are that beautifully lost and wander around in your own lil world for that moment....

its just you and him in your mind in your own world.....

and you are just happy !!

theres no confusion of an if or that fear of being pushed away or being run away from......

its just that beautiful stillness with that want to be there with you !!!!!!!

like you can feeeeeel it in just the way those moments dreams happen and make you feel even much after dreaming it.....

smthings i swear !!!!!!!!

like even be it for the sake of dreams smthings you jsut cant thank enough for.....

nai pata nai mera kyaaaaaaa hotaa thaa ki !!!!!!! 

Words n sound!!

this thing bout nw constantly stalking him over his channel the khufiya one.....

where initially it used to be by the end of the day to just check ther eis some song like or smthing and now its more of living him there only.....

like every moment you feel that strong smthing that need to just see him there for both the reasons finding some answer to whats rushing  through you or smtimes to jsut be there and live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him !!!!!!!!!!!!

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he looks that crazy beautiful mix of adooooooooooooorableness and handsomeness both in one picture.....

and the way no matter what  the waaaaaaaay it just puts a smile on your face to just seeeee him smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully !!!!!!!!

like it just makes all the organs in you live that moment of biggest smile inside possible !!!!!!1

only yesterday when there was that much of him rushing through you with that blend of irony and beauty in that moment as you relive those moments with him in those corners that need to find him and the only place you can look for him is on his channel....

check the khufiya one and nothing there and that need to check his other one too proly after really long and there was a song like there.....

dont get the song initially just like the vibe of it as it was in french hit translate and again dont get all of the song....

but just that beuaty of some words almost ten years and you love me still....

dont let it get to your head and just be with the happy vibe of the song.....

one of those songs nai hotee charlie not sure what its meant to make you feel like but still stick with the simpler version of the vibe that was giving out which was just the happy vibes......

the words again beautiful as it talks bout get drunk on your walk or steps like talks bout the path of life spending with the other or smthing it was bout !!

but that thing bout the song video the most beautiful a lil kid in a blue shirt again that same feeeeeeeeels no kid on the planet could be even close to the adoooooooooooooooorableness he must have been a kid.... again that thing wher eyou could almost picture him in a blue shirt in that kid version of his of the baby pic of his that he shared with you long back !!

like could almost see that baby version of his in that blue shirt.....

its like you find these traces of happiness in his music also why the stalk the constant stalk to be precise....

its that  thing charlie when suddenly the mind gets that lost over some dream over some strong moment and you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel him and his love for you the most like you look for smthing of him to see if what you that storngly felt was for real or like usual it was your own madness....

and thats where that one beauuuuuutiful feeeeling of being drawn to his channel literally to find smthing of him.....

and what better way to listen to his mind than to listen to his music......

like artists painters talk with their form of art like writers talk with their work of writing directors with their work of art on screen him being him to listen to his mind with his sound of his music.....

even back then the waaaaaaaaaaay he would choose songs just as per his state of mind....

like you could literally feeel his state of mind just as the song starts to play.....

like could sense if he was happy sad or just lost just by the song he used to pick.....

and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would alwaaaaaaaays look at you the sec he would play or change some track like to see if you did sense that like it was when he was happiest and plays some song that makes him feel you more.... the waaaaaaaaaaay he fataaak se would look at you to see if you felt the same in that very moment !!!!!!!!!!!

agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain from wher eto where only !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some visuals this beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful like even jsut writing you could almost see him from that very moment !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee how only You were missed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why !!

talking bout questions.....

yesterday out for work and one of those same places like everytime you are there at that curve of the road that goes real low and stretches out to some mankonda place and there is this low stretch of road like really low and the way it  takes you back to his place one of his fav most streets someweher in jubilee hilss and it always makes you wonder what if it was the same one cause almost every other corner of those streets and surrounding places are changing....

cause back then too the way he asks you to come along and tells you how it was his fav corner of that street and as you stand there the breeze the strongest cause it overlooked downhill kinda road with dooor rowhouses all around.... with that feeel of standing on a mountain top overlooking lil lil houses down.....

like you could almost feel that whole mountain vibe standing there.....

and the waaaaay it made you that happy with the wind on your face that whole vibe of that fav corner of his to it being the same place where he holds your hand for teh first time.... cause you used to wear heels back then and you stumble over those construction rock kinda thing and he holds your hand all the way.....

and yesterday or everytime now you pass by that one stretch of road that same feeeeeeeling.....

yesterday you already were that lost and the sky was waaaaaaay toooooooo psyyyyyyyychedelic his style.....

like it had that beauutiful glow all across the sky....

and you ask the driver to stop by and get out and just be standing there watching your own fav spot....

there is this house kind of thing on a lil mountain or rock base on the other side of the road.... and right outside the house there is this tree that perfectly placed right outside the house and inside the fence... as if though the house was built around the tree kinda perfect spot.....

and that perfect time of the light and the waaaay the sky lights up and the tree had that beautiful glow in that very moment his song playing your mind replaying that very moment with him from back then standing in his fav corner of the street and you save that feel save that moment away.....

some places that beautifully familiar like evrytime you pass by that place that stretch of road that oen corner the way it makes you wonder if its the same fav corner of his that he loved that much.....

and the way it did become your fav too cause it was the same place you did experience witness that transition of his love for you....

from seeing him lost and sad later that day there in that very place to the next time when he intentionally takes you there and tells you how happy he truly was to be there that day with you......

like you did see that live that change in him and the waaaaaaay it that beautifully allows you to live that feeeeeel of realizing your worth in someones life.... how much you truly matter  to someone !!

once done that one strong feeeeeeeeeling like yo just wish you could stand there and just scream out one why in the air.....

even the sec you see the block that same feeeling....

and the waaaaay in that moment too this one dumb memory recall which he again made it that beautiful.....

one of those drives with him and you with your head over his lap and looking at him and as the traffic approaches you try to move and he would always hold you closer not letting you get off saying nobody can see from out....

and you get off and ask him one of those again dumb questions if nobody could hear from out either.... and that one adooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable face he makes wondering bout the question you just asked and he joins along with that dumb thought of yours....

adding that def couldnt hear if you jsut speak and gives you that one look and that very same sec you both scream saath mein the loudest and a complete success, you cant hear from out....

which again was smthing he loved with you.....

many a times out of nowhere at the signals right in the middle of some talk he owuld just give you that one look and scream away and this one time he actually gives you that look and you hands over your own ears scream with eyes shut withthat much excitement of living madness with him.... and he pulls the window down a lil and the people on your side of window looking at you as you realize the window was down a lil.....

from where to whereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

it was that same feeeeeling yesterday or then when you see the block only a different version of that scream.....

Why !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the day !!

right after seeing that block trying to get a hold on yourself as you had your mom right next to you....

get back to living the rains trying to make sense of what just happened like your mind dint really know if to keep replaying that one beauty of him in the same most loved jacket from back then..... or to not breakdown over the same reason all over again !!!!!

like it was that mix of too much happiness of seeing finally hearing from him be it a word or two bhi to just hear from him and then not sure how to react over the block again !!

its that one question that pops up every single time youve lived that block for years now - how disgusted he truly msut be of your presence to be able to do that in that kinda rush that kinda emergency like that neeeeeeed to just get away from you !!!!!!!!!

like it makes you question your own existence like what you are what kind you are !!!!!

questions like these and with much more disgusted feeel bout your own self rushing you finally block him prolly the next day or smthing.....

this time again with that one fixed thing never again !!

never again will you ever unblock him even if he does....

like you were that sure of it this time...

like to just get away this time !!!!!!!!

finally back home back to work and that same need to just be off writing....

cause the waaaaaaaay one thing of him leads to another and before you know by the time you are reliving him in the details you end with much more worser missing than before you started writing....

like it only gets that beautifully worse with eevery word down...

like it grows with word....

to the aftermath of writing some special much loved memories when you end up missing him all themore like you wanted to get a hold on yourself cause it was taking you nowhere !!!!

and this dream yesterday like you could only hear him like he was shut in some room cause you could make out from the echo of his voice lke it was a shut room and he zorsee calls out your name.....

like keep calling your name 3-4 times like it was a closed room and the sound of his voice like he wanted your help the waaaaaaaay he just keep calling you and you wake up disturbed with that weird strong feeeeeeel in your stomach like that one restlessness again.....

again lands  you in the same thing like the only way you could make what you just felt better was in your way to be there for him.....

unblock him away.....

it never made any sense it never will as to what the connecttion is even.......

but again the way it makes you feel after you unblock is smthing else!

smthings you just donnoooooooo why what or how but just bout how it sort of feels like some answer to the question you just dreamt bout......

as weird as it sounds in that very moment as you wake up thats exactly what and how it makes you feel like - like one question that you need to find the answer of !! 

Get used to !!

how do you know when do you know that now you are used to a certain shift certain experience like now maybe now it wont really make that big of a difference this time....

like how do you even get used to smthings !!

mostly the most disturbing ones and the one n only in ur life is the block.....

its maybe worse than a slap or a slamming of the door on ur face like much worse than both of these out together too...

and also smthing no matter how many zillion times youve lived it by now it always leaves that impact on you !!!!!!

always feels breaks the same !!

be it that very sec when he again does or just yesterday when there was that much to write out and you suddenly feeeeel that smthing as you write bout that very moment and how it made you feel in that moment........

its like there is that urgency to get you off to just get away from you in that very sec..... like not a sec longer not a blink longer just that rush that need to immediately get away and off you.......

how truly disgusted one needs to be of someone to be able to do that that very sec....

like he just had to update you cause maybe he did sense that in your mail that you were that worried for him and him being him that he is he just needed to let you know somehow that he is fine and also that neeeeeed to just be off you that very sec like that urgency !!!!!!

that bad ?!

like even a blink would have felt longer than the block in that moment.... like even before you make sense absorb soak away that feeeel of his presence after the longest ever and there he was gone again !!!!!!!

how do you even get used to things like these how do you what do you do that it dosnt feel this way anymore like you know how do you get used to stuff like this that whenever you feel it again it dosnt impact you the same way it used to !!

Beauty in the irony...

the beauty that remained even after the irony of the block was firstly to just know he is fine to hear from him after the longest and more so to see him same like back then almost actually.... cause he just looked the same !!

like that one visual of him in that jacket and that face of his in the jacket from the lift with that full grown beauty of his daaaaaaaaaadi like that one visual to this one......

almost pretty much summed up your life only i say !!!!!!!!

that one same him and so many changes !!!!!!!!!!

its like that one pic of his almost gave back life to that visual of his from your memory...

like  you know make it come alive back again wali feeling it was....

and then the usual aftermath of the block just like always.....

to the other beauty being having lived the rains of this years monsoon in a way with his presence...

again your own way just like the last time in monsoons as you were standing out living the rains and living him in your mind as it rained on your face and he msgs you in that very moment.....

this year too almost the same !!

hurts a lot for the day next day too and for the week ahead.....

only the next day request him not to unblock you again just so you dont have to keep feeling it all over again from the start !!

just so you might as well get used to this side of the story too !!

hoping with time at least......

it was that realization looking back at it now you cant change things and one of them the most unchangeable one is how someone treats you or where you stand in someones life.....

you have no absolute control over it the only thing you can stick with is how you wish to have them in your life...

and this you did realize just living him regardless of all these things is where you are at most peace.....

cause in your mind you are still living that side of his love the love side.....

feels weirdly stranger now writing this out !!!!!!!!!!

not sure how to describe the exact thing out !!!!!!!!!!!!

every single time you live relive that moment of sudden blokc the waaaaaaay it just zones out your mind ekdum seeeeeee..................

even writing it now and the waaaaaaaaay it still affects you !!!!!!!!!!!

this way !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ekdum seeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Visuals n moments !!

its like no matter where you look what you feel there was that beauuuuuuuuuutiful hint of him in everything to anything.....

for people around it was a religious place and places around.... and there was you lost in the crowd and in your own lil world plugged in...

birds  to drops of rain on your face and on the window....

that beauuuuuuuuty of him in every lil thing like you were only feeeeeeeeling him the most !!!!!!!!

like smthing in you that beauuuuuuutifully changing and growing more to become him...

it was different cause you could def feeeeel the difference in you like everything around only growing more to be him like in you cant really write or define out what exactly it felt like..... like smthing only growing more to be him inside...

best put !!

sight of the birds flying reliving him in his most beautiful form in the most random of moments security check and now everytime you see a bird that one wish visual always there to see him that way again......

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would slowly but widely raise his arms as the security checks and that one wish in you the check must go slow just so you could live him that way for longer.... your most looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooved human bird almost ready to fly to think of it now only beeen flying i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!

he was always a bird no charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful one undoubtedly !!!!!!!!!!!!

you should just seee him charlie in that moment ready for a flight of his own.....

raising his arms slowly and widens his arms and then looks up and you a lil far living making the most of his form !!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

almost every visual there was him.....

the hotel room that perfectly placed with the window overlooking the mountains and you sitting by the window side with his music and the mountain lights twinkling through the nite..... this one nite in that place and this random app on your fone updates the news bout the worst state of floods in bombay.....

and that one shake in you the way that news disturbs you away and that need to check if he was okay and you without thinking or rethinking twice write him away !!

only after you hit the sent that same thing you shouldnt have cause you did promise him you wont bolke.....

like you did decide you will never be in touch or write him again....

but that same feeeeeeeeeling charlie as and when any news like this hits you and that same rush need to check if he is fine like you jsut cant helpt it again when nothing else really matters but to just know he is fine !!!!!!!!

only the next day out for some handloom place and still in that state of mind wondering hoping wishing he is fine..... like you were disturbed missing him a lot more like all that while those few days it was mostly bout living him in moments but ever since that news that one thing constantly on your mind how do you know if he is fine hoping wishing..... and it starts to rain and that need to hear him for a bit cause when that disturbed missing strikes the waaaaaaaay his voice that beautifully calms it down smtimes......

and that day too you do the same get on whatsapp to hear him and that very same sec there he was....

the sec you read typing like you lose sense of everything again......

that beautifully numb that same shiver to just see him after longest ever.....

the very first thing to see his pic and that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of some moments he was wearing a similar green khaki jacket like back then of his bangalore trip.....

the sec you see his pic that one beautiful weird tingling sensation on your fingertips knowing that feel of his jacket from back then to just the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he looks that beautifully handsome ekdum proper sexyyyy straight face pose almost bout to smile wala pose of his.....

and again cherry on top his daaaaaaaaaaaaadi not fully grown but ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa addditional beauuuuuuuuuuuuty his daaadi adds on to him there was you crying seeeing him and happiest in that very moment cause you were seeing him after that long......

touching the screen feeeling him away cause for some reason you couldnt save his pic.... when you dont see his status either that one strange feeeling he will block you back bolke....

to finally reading his msg and the way he says you were on his profile even before he msgs which then you dont get it.... as he mentions profile and not chat and it gets you confused or maybe actually it was his presence his picture and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay that jacket of his brought back a zillion memories and feeeels altogether at once that you couldnt make sense of anything at all.....

finally tells you he is fine and all and asks you the first thing bout date marriage.....

in your mind it has always been obvsly a continuation but the way everytime from his side its more of a next chapter like something discontinued then and there and then back to strangers to a new chapter......

like the place where the block happened after was when you were planning to go meet him in bombay like days close and away from him and then to get asked of date or marriage was like he never really knew you or knew your love for him.....

it was that strange feeling of discontinuation like you werent where you started from..... like you know lost track on wher eyou were at and then to start again kinda weird vibe.....

like that lost ki you dint even know what to reply or explain or answer.....

and you leave it at maybe kinda thing and he asks you again and you change the topic to the weather and he immediately gets away with all good and you take care....

that very sec same sec the block was back even before you could make sense of the reply or at least write back a you too...

......................................................................

 be it then whne you felt that moment or now this moment here writing it - same feeling !!