!!!!!

 This one feel will it ever get easy!!!!!!

The mind!!!!!

 The way having lived him that way feels almost dream like to think of it ñow!!!!!

That's how long it's been!!!!!

Mind nai charlie the most beautiful ironic lil organ i say!!!!!

Reliving the moment struggling to hold back cause thats how long it had been having lived him that way or felt all those rushes rush through you!!!! Having lived that you after that long!!!!

It's like recalling it from the dream or from that meet for real the way it feels like one dream cause that's how long it's been...

Today to just realise after waking up the way that after feel hit you was something else......

It was a different missing!!!!!!

It's strange nai to think of it now how that much for Him feeling away that many things all at once and the same you otherwise don't feel a thing at all!!!!!!

All it took was just one dream and this you now like always transforms away and how!!!!!

This mind today this you today this one most helpless feeling how di you fight it get over with or hide away from......

He has that aura charlie almost magic like like a downtempo slow chill track the way the track moves with every wave of the slow beat Him too just exactly the same...with every blink of his eye the way his facial expression changes the way every lil detail of his moves that beautifully slow like it was intentional the pace was intentional allowing you live each one taking your own sweet time just so you could live it as much as you'd wanted to....

This mind now as you write !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This mind this heart this you today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dreams!!!!!

 Aaj ajeeb laga charlie cause strangely all these years that feel every time you lived a moment like this one and then you wakeup there was that in some corner some day feel just there that one unsaid feel was there...

Today it felt different afterall that he did say then this morning waking up from that moment that one dream felt most different most helpless you've ever felt!!!!!

The way the moment was is on loop every single time you blink now that first initial denial bit soon as you wake up and look ar9und for him cause as always you could still smell his presence and thay search with it only after a bit when you realise the fact of waking up that one feeeeeel charlie to just know and realise it was a dream......that close that REAL and yet it was a dream....

How why what doesn't make any sense but that one feeeeeeel of running away to him that very moment or even writing and reliving it as you write now reliving him from that close as you write now to just run away to him hold him away for as long and more as you can to just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind I tell you ever since the start today it's this ironically beautifully lost!!!!!

All you can see feel live HIM!!!!!!!

It's this sooooooo much of him that it's filled you with ekdumm see!!!!!!

This one way of living him you make sure to hide away your mind from cause you know the post feels it can leave you with!!!!

But this morning was different the waaaaaaaaay he did come charlie to just live him his presence that waaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A missing...!

 This thing charlie bout missing him it's like a heartbeat now your way of life now....

But it's like when you live a missing like this one the way just sort of draws that line away that huge difference!!!!

To a missing like that one to a missing like this one that you are feeling ever since the dream this morning even writing it now this missing that's rushing through you...

Cause that's how close you lived him from lived his details in that zoomed up version of the dream...living moments and then living a moment like that one that you by now pretty much did forget what it really feels like cause that's how long it's been having lived a moment experienced a moment like that one....

To live it to live him that way from that up close and the way it's left you feeling like like this now!!!!!!

His details charlie the way they've been your most loved things on the face of this planet i say...those versions of his expressions as you live from close feel touch away his beauuutifyl details and the way his eyes trace away your hand feeling em away letting you live him just as you wanted to.....something's you wanna write so soooooo bad in that hope of it getting better after you write it maybe...or knowing it just might get worse even wrose after writing it out or you obvsly can't write out such details.....

This beautiful dilemma beautiful helpless feeling it left you with this morning...

Morning's!

 There are dreams moments and then there is a dream like the one from this morning...

That changes it all for you cause with it it brings along a missing that makes you feel the most helpless you've ever been!!!!!!

Could go on with a missing almost every day now but when a missing like this one strikes you just donnoooo!!!!

What to do how to deal with how to hide away your mind from it!!!!!!

Just donoooo!!!!!!!

Sense of belonging...

 Our senses are an extension of us it's not something random or just a thing to be felt!

How a place person makes you feel what you share and how sharing it with that someone is different to that of any sharings how a place makes you feel what you sense in a moment sound or visual is all that you are!!!!

Just like the pink Floyd song goes all that you touch and see is all your life will ever be...

Exactly what your life will ever be...

Ever since him never felt before never felt it again not even for an instance.....

That sense of belonging to someone, like from the inside of you the way it feels like like no other feeling you've ever felt that sense of pull being pulled away from everything and closer to a point.....

It's like all in you being pulled that magnetic force kind almost to that one place or person.....and the way same way him looking at you at some corner and the way it makes you feel the way he could sense that change in you from a distance and come back to the car and mention bout the same exact thing......just bout to get into the car leaving for Bangalore that one stare with you standing with his family and him sharing that one moment with you just by looking at you and the way soon as he reaches Bangalore the first thing he mentions bout is that very stare...

T he way he always was passionate bout having to understand the language of a stare of just a lookk you exchange and you must know exactly what the message was where instances like these and that filmy love of his would come out!!!!!

It's that sense of being drawn being pulled to where you belong...

It's not upto you to decide to choose or walk towards or away.....it's how maybe we are wired as!

That sense of belonging firstly searching for it and to belong soon as you find it...not something you do but just the way it is!!!!!

No matter what story is playing in your current day that one sense that one feel of belonging to Him it's always been there charlie.....

No matter where you are what you are doing who you are with work home no matter where that one sense of belonging that one pull being drawn that beautifully consistent...

To just feel it right from that very first start of his walk towards you till today in this very moment as you write, that one thing that beautifully constant!

Prolly the only constant thing in your life...!

Realities of Life...

 To understand relate corelate and live by the circumstances changes situation you face are simpler said than done.....

It's still simpler but the way waaaays you live your life dream through moments where him standing before you sleeping beside you waking you up holding you comforting you when in pain talking to you when you move away holding onto you when you try to walk away whispering you he still loves you things like these is one reality to waking up to another reality is the realities you just dono how to deal with!!!!

Can't call or take em to be just random cause the waaaaaaaaay he feeeels that real charlie in that very moment with the same continuity of a certain moment or confusion on your mind the way he is there with exactly that confusion resolving your fear n doubt away answering the exact same doubt of yours.....it's like he was there to resolve that doubt of yours! 

It's with moments such such strong moments with him like these you just donn9 how to take it otherwise how could that Him from morning be that real from the actual him that goes the exactly opposite side of your story!

This one holding you closer asking you to stay closer to him and the other one telling you barely even remebers any of it!!!!!

Reading the book reading the moments andbidealogy of love n all that one feel i say no book in the world could possibly sumup the story you are living in....

Not even a closest moment to what you live and feel!!!!!

His daaadi his eyes his that one smile that literally is like your heart on his face i say to his heartbeat you could feel touch it all that strongly!!!!!!

It's like he was there for real even writing it now this feeeeeel as you blink and see him again from the dream this morning!

Things to do with you around you through you something as lil as your own hair and the way it all that beautifully laced with all things Him...

Timer hona tha nai!!!!!

Just like that one switch and wooosh bolke done!!!!!!!

coming to terms!

 The goodbye from him did quite turn out to be an eye opener for you!

All these days being on your own lying down with his music looking out clouds moving cars passing by people walking in n out world around moving away slow to fast late at nights with that trail of car lights over the flyover and the way you just couldn't get his words out of you!

It really is that easy eh!

And then this book happened talking bout loving someone at their worst or when they are broke.....and that one feel of realisation exactly what happens.....

Loving someone at their bad time or when they are not at their best is like trying to heal someone with your love you are not trying to make it better but you just love them and that itself sort of forms like a healing process to heal from whatever they are going through.....

But people heal and then you are on your own as they move away is also what happens?!

It's like a flashback of moments life that you blink through almost.....

There are these smallest baby steps that you working on your own cause in your mind all these years it was that same thing he is busy with work maybe he will comeback some day.....only this time it was more bout he didnt even remember it anymore and has moved on!

Some words nai they change away your reality poora ka poora!

It's like you suddenly wakeup after a long sleep and now you don't know where how to even start!!!!!!

What do you do first now that you are up!!!!!

It's like suddenly you are that lost trying to make sense of the life now!!!!!

Then there are these dreams all through your sickness miennts through the day and you don't know how to connect or deattach then from the reality and just consider them to be random moments or random dreams or the work of your own mind....

All that you'd felt all this while his places his miennts his dreams that sense of belonging all that nothing but your mind just your mind?!

After a decade!

 Finally tested negative for covid and that feel finally!

All these days recovering healing and thus one book that your manager had gifted long time back and just couldn't find the kind of time to read it last few days finally did.....

It's bout loving someone, didn't quite finish it but this series of thoughts of the Process of loving someone at their best and worst!

To this another smithing u decide to finally cut your hair short today being the almost last day for it to be this long and from the morning dream moment to the evening time to yourself today did feel different...

Mind is filled with too many things charlie still don't know how to write it all out!!!!

Where to start how to even start!!!!!

First long hair day for the final day today!

These moments all these years with him for real with him in dreams n moments and how that love of his for your hair back then was almost an integral part of most of your dreams even after his absence.....

 With memories n moments like those it was a big decision but somehow that need to finally change it soon!

Saving it away!

Collection of Him’s!

From a morning like the one today to the second you wear again something slightest of to do with him…

Another one of those things that u fataaak se buy the second you see his birth year on it 1986!

The ways you try n fill up someone’s absence with…today the dream and the emptiness that followed after was something else, ittaa ki still sick u actually run to work just so you could keep your mind off from playing the dream on loop…

This one sweatshirt did become your recent fav one to wear ever since sick too!

His navy that looks gorgeous on him, to his birth year mentioned on it and you had to have it!

Things dreams moments collection of Hims to try n fil up his absence but one thing charlie today after the waking up nothing can possibly come even close to his actual presence I swear!!!!!

It all suddenly felt very lonely today after waking up, it was a strange feeling felt after a long time! Just felt weird to not find him today!

For now His 1986 Navy 

A moment!

 Every single time you wake up from a dream like that one, suddenly  it gets very very lonely sometimes!

It’s that shift from that much of Him to no him realisation after the waking up!!

Can't feel if not real...!

 This one thing charlie you can't feel something if it's not for real...!

Every single time to that first meet post bup cause obvsly you can't see your own face the second you see him but jnowbfor sure what and how your expression or face must be in that moment but you shouldve seen his face in thise moments charlie the second the first second he sees you the way his face used to light up that spark twinkle in his eyes that one smile ok him do you ever have that moment lucky enough to have a moment when your presence makes someone feel in a way that makes you feel realise God am loved and how , to you everytime you've looked at him in th8se moments his expression his eyes his smile was that and more for you!!!!!

From those moments to these dream ones to just feel his presence ways like doesn't seem random that beautifully connected with conversations and whispers sometime how do y9u even feel things if they aren't for real....

Photograph...

 Every single time anything slightest if anything from the versova meet and thus one feeeeel like always you just wish you had some good camera back then any picture from that meet of any corner of his from that meet.....

It's this feeeeeeéeeel that one meet leaves you with every single time you relive that day the longest time that was that long awaited for!!!!!!

Something's you write and thus sudden feel it fills you up with , that was a long awaited meet?!

something's!!!!!

 U are good with music it's like you don't need something else to get high on or ease out your mind cause it does better than even gin does actually!!!!

But that day maybe it was that need to relive that meet relive the lilst details from that meet cause that also was the day you felt loved by him again same way wanting you to stay over to just showing you he still loved you!!!!

From the initial moments to just being the same kid again with him wrestling away standing over his couch just like you used to back again falling hurting and then at it again to the moments to him just holding you close living your details not letting you say a word or uttering one just that sound of his breath his music and that magic if his presence....

His presence right from the start is where you felt that soul pull right from the very start.....

It's like suddenly everything in you pulls you to that spot that one person like no other!!!!!

That one meet reliving everything almost that you used to back then with new things added to that mirror moment finally as you brush your hair he comes over stands beside you holds you looking in the mirror and in ishaara telling you how you looked just right with him beside again very same thing he used to back then in those zillion other mirror moments with him.....

It's like life playing on loop charlie literally on loop and you waiting to catch a glimpse of it to relive it!!!!!

U lost the most important crucial part of you with Him!!!!!

It happened with him and it's gone with him!!!!!!

Realising that you living that you it's like you met you with him, childhood unlived lived with him everything bout touch love physical connection that ú9u feared lived loved with him it's that big chunk of you that was the most you that felt most alive was with him... Off with him i say!!!!!

Even now zonnin out slipping into a nap with slightest chill and that one smell of his presence charlie it's the way he used to tell you still asleep idhar he hu howli!!!!

When COVID finally did bring him back for the moments is when you also finally realise you are def not like the normal people i say!!!!!!

chills n feels!!2

 First 2-3 nights were worst to deal with its that whole state of mind charlie like always with fever on mind that deep state of discomfort it's that unsettling feel with high temperature chills n stuff and the weird cramps with it keep changing sides and that one turn that one smell and you just knowwwwwwww finally FINALLLLLY there he was!!!!!!!

Don't move a bit not the eyes too just stay that way and try to look for him with just your hand and nose sniffing away how close he was and that one second the way he just holds your hand away away from you close to him over his chest andbjust stays that way like you could literally feel his heartbeat it strangeky very beautifully that is the way it made you feel like he was in q way showing you that he actually was there with you making you feel his heartbeat as crazy as this sounds the way he just places your hand that way and that one tap over your palm and that one feeeeel of assurance and sleep away exactly that way.....

It happened over n over again through the jlnaps in the day too where you could hear him whisper something holding you running his over you it was that comforting withbthe cramps it's that inexplicable feeeel charlie his voice his am here his adoooorable chuckle sound to just that comfort of his presence....

It's that strange starnge feel now that you are much better than what you were days back what do you even go by with...

Go by with the things he tells you with that goodbye of his in the recent chat or the things he never tells you or the untold moments like these where all you still feel is his love for you him time n again making you realise he still loved you....

Even now trying to watch some doc and you keep zoning out recalling thise moments you felt his presence his comfort his love for you ij moments actually telling you I love you you just donno what's even happening?!!!!!

There is a goodbye and then there are moments like these that you just can't take em to be your mind hallucinations or just random moment...

Cause aise tho you miss him every day not a day moment goes by that you don't think of him or miss him but only these moments and especially a dream dreams of his after this long!!!!!!

Chills n feels...

 COVID postive a few days back and not sure if to be happy thankful for it or like everybody else like normal people complain bout it!!!!

But then things with you life with you has barely ever been normal nai like it's for the "normal" people...

Everytime with a fever and a bad dream that one beauty of his presence close to you and the way the nightmare that beautifully transforms away with just that smell presence or touch of his!!!

Been few days or weeks prolly with no dream of his and that one lostness suddenly cause now you didn't get to see him live him that way too!!!!

Finally late at work come back with the manager as she stays back at your place as it was pretty late.....takes out that one thing that again with the most beautiful memories it's like the sight sound or anything to do with that one thing and it screams out VERSOVA to you!!!!

His psy beedi out of her bag and you finally decide to have it exactly after versova that night....but inform her in adv that soon as you do she needs to leave the room to you and sleep in the gym room, all things done that first puff not like you used to with him cause that was his way and you wouldn't do it that way definitely, so the direct puff and louder coughs the second you feel that off the ground feel the way in that very moment it was Him right there sitting infront of you smiling that smile of his with that amworkingmymagiconyou nod of his!!!!!

U were still on the bean bag and you could swee him that close to you before you on the bed just smiling at you you look around for the manager couldny see a thing the way it all that beautifully just blurred out and away!!!!!

Plug in his music and again look back to thebsame moment and he still was there charlie that close to you it's the way that moment that one presence of his fataaak se made your mind feel it's the same feel of his presence from back then....

It's like initially the second you see him there's thus dance party running loud in your head with that suddenl lot of Khushi rushing adrnaline rush or what it is but it's always that one loud rush in your head until that first second of his touch smell or just that one closeness and the way everything ar0und suddenly zooooooop bolke slowmo pe everything around blurring away that beautifully and it's just him and you and the moment....it's like even him walking towards you turns slowmo like living that moment to that minutest of detail just making sure you don't miss a moment of him.....

That nite was the same the way he was just there charlie right there from that moment in versova meet....

When soon as hih settle the way he asks if you'll have too as he was rolling one and you tell him never did again after him and that Khushi nod of his....

To the minute irbtwo of distance and the waaaay he just comes close and sleeps over your lap takes your hand and places it over his head and that one beauuuuuutiful sigh of his soon as he does that you lost in the way he had his eyes shut that one big smile on him and he says I couldn't do this or feel this with anybody the same way...

It's moments charlie life nothing but moments like these that are worth calling a life or living a life called as nai...

It's like a zillion times in thise meets post bup he would randomly live a moment exact same moment that he did back then before bup and then mention bout how good it felt but you reliving the same feel same moment over again with just that Khushi ofnyou getting to relive another one of those most loved things bout him.....

That one meet was your life absolute state of happiness and life i say!!!!!

Soooo yaaaaah again where to where only it went!!!!

AGAIN!!!!!!!

Timer!

 This one thought when there as it was beautiful wide open sky above so directly could complain up and that one talk one lik conversation next time pls when you make and design this world and humans kindly add a timer between people in love like setvin a way one falls out of love the timer in the other needs to go off too automode pe....

There will be less of suffering and would be easier to live on that way...

A design twitch suggestion!

Places charlie places and the waaaaaaaay they can make you feel after years decade is a direct answer to how and what the moment must have meant lived loved back then to strongly feel it the very same way after years together.....

To be on the same stairs at the other temple overlooking the back the stadium watching the sunset or late in the evenings enjoying the chill in the air withthe moon oopar... Now the front view from thise stairs is beautiful forest like!

It's like visiting those corners was making something better in you making you feel the most you you've been in the recent times...

All feels!!!!

 It's that feeeeling chalrie when you are that full of something and something else clashes with it you just don't know how to react or get terms with it....

It's like that in that moment you that bad wanted to write it away evrything all at once to just get it out of you cause it was much of Him rushing through you and later it was that sudden realisation that you were hit with and suddenly lost to knowing if you write it the after feels would lead to another writing which you woldnt want to write out that state of mind you wokdnt want to write it and feel the words worse after writing out...

It's like every time you write it out the feel level feel meter turns up to a zillion notches high i say!

Good or bad it always peaks up!

Now to writing this out you sure know the after feels of writing but this one music piece and the way it just resonated with you that feeeel of layers of his memories when there that pretty close feel vibe from that day cause there were these temple bells ringing just like back then with that breeze in the air sometimes and other time with the aarti to those same sound of temple bells from the dreams of his that literally was the only thing that helped you survive his absence over the years and now that's gine too...

That day to just be there listening to those very same temple bells connecting with the dreams his presence with eyes shut and his ancient astronaut playing on loop was magic that one hour pure magic of all Him!!!!!!

There's nobody that you would could love again you are done with it.....the way he called it wasting your love on someone cause he didn't love you anymore...

U can't decide the timeline of love charlie cabt decide if you are not being loved back you got to stop this love from your side all this while till you went there there was thus feeling of confusion with his words on loop in whispers that you could almost hear him tell you over you wasting your love and lal that when alone all you could hear.....

And the way it was making you feel, once there that one realisation it's all the love you had to give to live to love and grow with grown with...and that surprisingly still exists and breathes the same as it did back then but definitely grown than it was back then...

It was that sense of "belonging" charlie that you felt the most most importantly...it was strong and the most beautiful feeling!

What felt later once home is another story....but that feel of coming alive that completely fully in the most you way was something else!

Stadium day...

 The day when you had to get some design changes rechecked for packaging and instead decide to find the way to the stadium....

Somehow pooch pooch ke get your way and once finally there the way it has changed that much the complete area as one poora temple setup with almost forest around now....

Still at the entrance that one state of mind in an instance couldnt hear a thing sense anything else for a min or two where the manager comes and stands before you waving at you asking if you could still listen to her as she talks bout some important client video call she had to attend to in car and you just walk towards the spot where you could see the stadium from it was like despite of the changes you were so sure of the path to the spot where you used to sit with him initially that is....but the first time being just standing at the empty path which now was a forest and that one feel of his words bout opera if you see how changed it is now you won't remember how it looked then but that day standing there shut your eyes for a bit and the way visuals that clear charlie like you just know that was there this corner and of all the people you have the worst memory posible but like always things to with him that one magic i say.....

To finally once there the way the sky was literally lit with eagles swaying away the rustlle sound of the trees n leaves around that beautifully calm and sexily nostalgic i say the vibe was soooo beautiful charlie like after very very long you actually felt that way when in some place.....you feel that strong connection that soul pulling when in some place like everything in you belongs to that one place like all of you comes that beautifully alive every sense in you nerve cell in you gushing with blood n oxygen i say.... heartbeat mind soul body in that oneness with some place it was all this and much much more the waaaay just the wAaaay you felt when there.....

It was just something else....

Sit down play his gypsy soul and just be for an hour or so with not many people around and some pantulu asks to take the darshan whi h you don't anymore so you just be...

That hour one hour of pure magic...

Every moment lived there with him from the very first time to most of your other firsts with him there flash through you....ur first nose chummi first color of his love to being caught by the cops all of this n more same place...

That first moment of realising how the person standing beside you without a word being said felt different like you'd never felt before that day that noon was when youd decided you are not going to marry and go home andbtell the same to your mom....

It was that very place that pretty much changed it all for you!

The way he just knew that day itself after spending those wordlessly beautiful hours with you there about to head home and you turn just bout to get in the car and the way he just looked at you that day with that one smile and that day when there that moment was so sooo clear the way he just looked you in the eye and was that sure you felt something for him and the next day even asked you will you still go ahead with the marriage.....

It's like some places nai charlie give that meaning add that meaning make that bit of sense with why you still feel this way the way you do...

It was only once home that sort of disturbed you again....

It's like you were on a flight ever since there on your way back home fro there the mind I say that beauuuuuuuuutifully high on him!!!!!!

And once off it the way the reality hit you away and how!!!!!

Layers of memories…

 

Just like a song is made of layers, places too, are layered laced with memories…

It’s like a song being played a book being read as you turn every page one visual one place and the way it all unfolds away jsut like that!

When there that very feeling as you soak it all in am going to write it all bout it scream it all with that much happiness in words cause that’s exactly how you felt when there in that very moment you were so much you were most you when there….that Alive!

Could feel the Khushi gushing through your veins almost!

Donno why how or what that one feeel of his places the way they make you feel is something else…

Soul that beautifully calm with that feeling of finally Home…!

After so long!!

Places n visuals!

 How do you write what do you write where do you start from even when you are so full of something today!!!!!!

That urge to write but this feeeeeling after a decade!!!!!!!

The place where actually it was the start of all!!!!!!!

This Him that you’ve come back home today with this much of Him and all it took was that one place of his!!!!

Never underestimate the magic of places with memories strongest of memories n moments!

This you that has come back home today this feeeeeeel beyond words n logics!

Flash of life in a visual with a visual…!

moments 3!!!!!

 Today in that moment with his song playing the way the mind gets to this imaginary situation of you meeting him after all these years to back then when you wanted to and couldn't with situations and mainly finances today when you can it's the way the mind was imagining the moment to live his presence after all these years visually first to just touch and feel his presence to the way it makes you feel on the inside every lil part of you that sparks up comes alive in and with his presence.....

Mind I tell you charlie the strongest and the weakest too!!!!!

U just have no control over it no matter how bad you train it to the way you hope you change but all it takes is that one visual just that one sound one moment and off it goes, again!!!!!

Today listening to his song again the feels how that day being random too to just be as and how you could for him didn't make any sense then still doesn't make any sense writing the feels of the moment now...

That one visual on loop playing in your mind today when there to go run see him as the song plays as that moment plays on loop.....

Even this time too after all that hard talk the nite that he messages you bout the mail of pics you'd sent as asked by him the way it felt like he wanted to talk more to you it meant everythhg to just still feel the same bout his messages even in your sleep some moments i tell you are just beyond you.....

Mind still getting back on track getting better but moments like these it's like your heart right there popped out of you and just like that in the air it goes with the moment!!!!!!

That feel of a "finally"...!

moments 2!!

Some visuals some moments again just like sound pick you up put you back in that very moment that you felt in that present moment....

The way he would always tell you this when you scream everytime holding him that sound of excitement that one feeeeling of FINALLY!!!!!!

You are so loud moments or after moments that sudden something of him suddenly makes you happy that happy and you put it all out in expressing the same...

Talking bout expressions expressing this one pattern of his post bup today too in that moment the way the first very song that you jump listening to was his jheel pe jaise recent lucky Ali one....the words the beauty of the lyrics of that song!

Jab bhi bulau aa jana!

This one pattern the way he would with some thing or the other build this wall before him with either mentioning bout him seeing someone already and yet wanted to see you or any other reason the way it's always been there.....and then the conversation switching to wanting to meet you in those moments there was that initial peak level of happiness just cause you were talking chatting with him after long to that moment of realisation soon as he would build the wall up to that moment of asking you to meet it's like knowing you so well you wouldn't meet him that way knowing he already had someone but the way he would be in that moment with you just by his facial expressions know it for sure he was lying bout it cause knowing him or as much as youve known him he would never do that be with someone and same time look for something else too...

Year after year same thing one sec you get all that happy or even hope to meet him and then there was the wall again....today in that moment of watchjng the girl in that moment living her moment you could just feel what she must've felt in that moment...

At his versova place overlooking the sea standing there waiting for him to come out and the sec9nd he stands beside you to that first moment of holding him away it's that wait that feeeeeeling of a finally....

moments!!

 There are these sudden moments like from everything around running too fast to catch up on to that sudden change of speed where everything suddenly pauses for a bit and then zoop bolke it goes that slow that state of mind it lands you in suddenly in an instance...

Today this frequent habit now when you just need some time off n away to just be on your own head to concu for a coffee or something at your corner place for a bit and just be with his music!

It's this vibe of some places even with the crowd around thankfully your corner of the place is pretty away from everyone to just be there as it's pretty close from the studio too just be there sometimes thunk better for work to sort some paper work out or on most days to just be...

Today too there with his music playing one earplugged in and reading some paper work and this one sound catches your attention the sound of a girl talking bout how long how many years it's been since I held you look up and there was thus moment of a hug girl holding the guy and that sound of excitement in her voice as the guy still looks around cause she was adorably loud about how she felt in that moment!!!!!

Seconds before that moment there was that much sound hush hush sound of people talking tables moving trays moving around fones ringing constant sound but that one sound of her voice that sound of a finally in her voice that Khushi in her voice and the way it made you feel on the inside cause you just maybe almost know how what she felt like and also what he must have felt like the way it just leaves a smile on your face.....post that moment they get talking you look arounf and the way that one moment just slowed everything around......

It's like suddenly it wasvall that beautifully slow people walking slow like that sudden switch to slowmo visuals all around cause you did land in that state of mind , that beautifully high on him with just one visual...!

Weird!

 There are moments still through the day but the dreams charlie are gone!!!!!

For the first time just like that gone!!!!!!!

Didn’t see him didn’t feel a thing of his presence, no smell no sniff no touch or sound, gone!!!!!

Never happened before!

 This phase of no absolute dream of his has never happened before…..

It’s the way all that he said maybe that’s why!!!!

True for his side and for you just donno why what how now but this feeeling post one week was ……….

Words can truly impact you in a way you would never imagine it had the power to, it tooootally does!!!!!

What’s this feeling even!!!!!

The scene the moment the music reliving back the moment still watching the f1 series and yet this state of mind just plain lost!!!!!

Trying to keep your head off it as much as possible but something’s nai I tell you kaise tho bhi touch ho he Jata nai!!!!

Overworking with this new found love for late nite drives when the manager is staying over at ur place and now that this driver is safe post dinner this love to just be out kahi bhi for a bit it’s this chill of the winter nites this smell in the air always and no matter what this feeling hard to change I say!!!!

Music!!!!!

 Music the absolute core of your life now!!!!!

With the dreams now almost fading away for the first time in years it's been a week with no absolute dream of his for the first ever time in years....

It felt weird very weird cause this never happened before ......

But these very moments out of nowhere the way they just take you back to a moment with him...

Watching Steve jobs movie today finally and the end scene that beautiful where he mentions his daughter about putting a thousand more songs for her into something that she can carry along or on similar lines as that!

The way it sort of gave you that time travel cloud to hop on and relive that moment!

On your birthday he gets you a Sony Ericsson walkman fone and days later just before leaving for Bombay again takes your fone and sits with his laptop on at his place with you and his sister with something....

Hour later in his room finally with just him gives you your fone back and tels you now can listen to all my music without waiting and you just lost in that one expression that one standard face when he is bout to mention or share something bout you he loved!!!!!

The way you just wait to hear some song you really loved in my car and play it over again just before getting off as I drop you home it's like you want the song in your head cause you can't have it other way with you to listen to it again....i can see it in your face the way you love some song and want to keep it that way with you!!!!

It's these things that you never had to tell him and also used to amaze you just by looking at you do something the way he always knew always what's on your mind or how you felt bout something...

His music and living that moment with him with his music just before getting off was your way back then to hold onto that moment for a bit longer the way it's always been bout living him with his music.....

And just like that with every song every moment loving him more!!!!!

The way that day he almost added all the songs that you used to listen and love in his car also the ones that he wanted you to listen and miss him with later!

What and how you feel bout music today is something else!!!!!!!

Nothing less than magic...

Today that scene of Steve knowing the love for music his daughter had and wanting to do something create something that would allow her to live that was that beautiful.....

Him knowing how much you loved his music the songs you loved listening to and wanting that bad to listen once home too he gives you that fone with his music and tells you this is why I got this fone now you have all my music in this.....

Even writing this now this feeling as you write and pause at same just recalling some moments can make you feel this, beyond words!!!!!!

U struggle to stay away from writing mainly for this very reason this feeeeeling it fills you up with!!!!!!!

The way that moment from the film stayed with you today...

HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happiness n Priorities!

 This article that you did come across about changes and growth in life, a business related write up!

The way it talks bout the real measure of happiness is either when you have absolutely nothing or when you have it all and yet what is it that makes you really happy...does that change as you grow or remains the same!

Today standing there it was that very same feeling charlie where in your mind you were happy like just bout happy cause of the growth mainly but that real sense of happiness that comes from the inside where you literally feel every lil organ part of you from the inside is happy like you can feel the insides of you with that big wide smile all across on the inside.....

To you it's always been Him...!

Today when there it didn't make you that happy it was just that sense of growth and achievement after all that hard work just bout that!

That feel of the insides with a big teethy wide smile wasn't there!

The same when at his places around thebcorners days back made you that happy even with his absence to just relive him relive those moments made your organs literally smile i say!

Be it back then ultimate level of happiness I say to today....amidst all these changes that one thing remains constant!

And HOW!!!!!!!

This one day today felt different hit on a different level i say!!!!!!!

come so far...

 A total self appreciation need to write it out today!!!!!

This state of mind after a lot of thought past few weeks saving up for over an year been planning for an SUV work wise requirement too but just that need to self appreciate all the hard work overworking hours Sunday working days to just value ur work and effort you put in and get something finally.....to just get something for a change!

It's this merc suv and today finally go ahead with it to see and test drive and this first color that catches your attention immediately was a navy blue same exact color as his skoda back then...

Charlie some moments you just have no words for it it's like there's music playing all around that rush of investing in something huge all that on one side it's just that one moment the second you see that very same color all those flashes of his car parked in your Galli walking upto see him flashes from the opera flashes from the first chummi place where he takes a pic of you in it from the inside from th outside with that Lake as the backdrop and then shows em to you!

It's like a zillion memories visual moments lived watchjng walking upto the car getting in living him in it from the outside to just sharing that one stare with him with his hands over the top of the car leaning over watching you standing on the other side and that one look wanting you to stay back wanting you to not go home just to stay there with him in that moment that one face he makes just before dropping you seconds before you turn and go home that one stare across the car with you standing there.....

To teaching you how to roll up n down the window cause that was new to you to evry lil detail of memories around his car moments lived inside outside it's like standing there today living that moment of color his color and that feeeeeling it fills you up with!

Nothing in the world could would ever compare to anything to do with him that you've felt!

To finally loving the car and that close to finalising and your mom talks bout the third wave stuff and how it wouldnt be wise to invest at the moment!

It's that thing charlie you don't sp3nd on yourself nothing at all even the handbag still on past 1 year same one nothing that you really like watch fone upgrades your mom takes care nothing that you really want except something that you did!

But now work wise investments done with machine places workshop studio wise house taken care of it's this one thing that you'd been wanting or maybe it's just to upgrade but time I tell you.....

But today just standing there looking at the others manager mom likes the other different options but you just standing there living that shade of blue, that one color of his be ur car wise or the color on him...any color looks beautiful but that one specific tone of blue and whites ayyyaaaaa your poora ka poora heart right there on him every single time you used to see him in those!!!!!

Colors like music this beauty visually how they can change it all pick you up and put you in a place where you feel that specific moment specific visual the most...

Just like that a big day almost big day with another touch of His...!

It was something else that hour or two almost was something else, where nothing else inside the car outside the car barely mattered just that one color charlie just that feeeeel of living those moments along!

this very same flow!

 Every single time you write a word down bout him today specially!!!!!

That one place streets corners and you've lived that THAT much of him there....from the start of everything kinda moments to discovering the beautiful side of loving someone kinda moments to the most basic ones as him every single time at metiguda bad road patch and the way he would always go gaadi tud gayi yaro with his adooooorabke hummiii hummma sounds eevey single time.....

It's like you could hear him there when there in different moments charlie it was nothing else but that magical.....like literally walking through the moments reliving those very moments standing there with his music the way just the way it still made you feel today after years...

Then why this how could all that be that much and then this too!!!!!

From feeeeling all that today to this feel now how do you stop these whispers it just got that weird today.....

Strange no how suddenly from that much love being called by your own name by that very person feels ajeeb as you relive it in your head from that conversation!

Most beautiful few hours of the day today...!

just that one look!

 Today when there in all his places almost these flashes of memories and Evey single one that one look just that one look looking you ij the eye and that wait the way he would just stay that way for a bit and that to you always was a zillion n more love yous than words could ever express from those moments to those very same mkennts that you still live in your dreams be it this morning's one too.....he does the same exact thing answering your doubt away and that one stay that one look as he just holds you just looking you ij the eye without a word...

Every corner of his there has been a moment lived as such almost every corner and today relive him relive those moments in th8se corners was something else!!!!!

It's only the coming back home now sitting to write the way that strange flow of whispers of his words that leaves you blank it's like suddenly from living that much feeling that connected to this sudden state of lostness!

change!

 Today when there or for that matter in that moment of that elevator selfie his hairdo his almost f1 jacket where everytime you wear it now the way the manager comments like it is so oversized like it looks as if your bfs jacket on!

It's these lil things to the big things when there that sense of what you were back then to the you that was there today you had nothing nothing at all and yet had everything that you didn't know you wanted in life back then...today independent strong it's like everything changed in you but that one and most important bit of your life the Him in you only grew stronger with time.....today just being there in those places charlie that sense of how happy you were back then the happiest y8uve ever been in life...today no winder just reliving those moments there in those very corners was making you that happy you were just happy today being there after that long...

To that very turning of your Galli on your way back and you always forget but the way he just knew it that well as he slows down just at your Galli at that post bup meet and akss you when did you move out of there and you were shocked to see him still noticing that Galli at that exact point amidst that chaotic traffic too....

And you just look at him and the waaaaay he just smiles to that just by looking at your face in that moment he sure knew how amazed you were at him stil remembering your Galli that well....and you ask him you come often still and just that smile again and looks away!

It sure was long time back but if it was what why it still feels the way it does even today why all these feels the way you stilp feel the way you do in his places that same feel of his love for you even today live him in his very moments in the dream resolving your mind answering your questions away like he did in his this morning's dream....

If all this is there, then how could it be just you...!

some moments!!!!

 Whoww what a day!!!!!!

The timing that beautifully perfect...

To this moment now when you finally come down to write the day out that echo of his words....i have moved on ya shriya don't even remember it anymore!!!!!

It's like you feel still feel that much live that much in his places the way just the waaaay it all felt today to just live him in every corner of his place to relive the moments lilst of one's to the most beautiful ones ur Galli the gallis around his Galli ur apartment the wall that wall of memories from your staircase to his school to the lake to every lil nook n corner of the street laced with the most beautiful of memories and the waaaaay you could feel him everywhere his love for you every corner....

Only now as you write just bout to write that echo of his words and suddenly you are all by yourself....it's just you!

That very moment of finding a automobile checkered flag race jacket and that very instance he sure would've loved it to today just bout to get in the lift and your manager calls and talks bout heading to charminar to collect the packaging boxes as they were ready to be picked u9 and you instead tell her that you'll cóme along too that one Khushi charlie cause you knew you wanted to take the long route there a trip down the most beautiful memory of your life.....

Td oay just being in those corners of his the way it all stil feels the same that THAT much love.......

To just live him there in those corners charlie.....but this mind now there was that much to write out but the way just those whispers of his words just the way it's making you feel now in thus moment like suddenly it was just you all by yourself standing in his places it was just you!!!!!!

It's a ajeeb weird feeling like you were that happy when there but writing it now his words that echo constant echo!!!!!

PLACES!!!!!

 Full heart and feeeeeels!!!!

something's!

 Something's can change you that bad like all of you wanting to change a certain thing bend a reality and not take it to be real but eventually it all comes back to what it is who you really are and what something defines you is an extension of you is a part of you that completes you in a way thats beyond any reasoning or explanation...

U can do things but eventually it will come back to what defines you what completes you...everything he said was true but what if the him thats become of you is also that much more true.....

He did mention this one thing charlie you might not like the methat have become or i might not like younow but that thing happens when you give a chance take a chance to know to understand the now and when it comes to him or just loving someone in general you don't love their then now or tomo or how or what change you see in them now physically or attitude or person wise , you just love them as a whole with everything that they were or and have become now cause it's just love you can't love a lil something or that something or previous something or future something bout them....you just love them as a whole with everything they are and come with!!!!!!

To him mentioning bout his hair and how he has changed and in your head thus one of conversational flashback running when you loved him as gundu too that adorably gundu how does hair or no hair matter.....it's him charlie no matter what he says no matter what anybody says it just can't come out of you itna poora har jagah ghussa hua hai there's not a part of you that's without him.....how do you even get him out!!!!!

No matter what state of mind any music y8u find any food you eat you really like any lane you discover anything that amuses you in that very and every instance there's him...

How do deal with all this is another chapter only now that you actual mein know what and where you stand in his life!!!!!!

illusion of seperation...!

 That nite was something else it's like moment after moment song after song you felt him closer to you holding you tighter with every moment like it wasn't just your mind in yiurbhead you could feel his touch his arms around you still in the waking state....

To the next morning usual way of living him for longer post his music discovery play his songs on loop and this one post surfing on insta the very first one being talks bout the illusion of seperation some quantum physics thing and you ur usual curiosity Google it more and it talks bout how the reality is nothing but an extension of your sub concious mind and wise versa connecting you with your dream state and there's no division amongst the two it's an illusion of separation bout dreams being different to that of the reality but in fact they are an extension of your reality and you can only make it come alive by focusing on your sub conscious mind and more stuff related to it!

Moral of the story of the post that caught your attention to the way it connected with all those moments that you lived with his music and him after that long did make sense somehow.....

The way it felt like even moments felt the same cause the deeper meaning and senetneces were associated with moments that you live through your day...lile they are random if you take them to be random like not notice them at all but when you really look through your day see live the mkennts through your day they have a connection meaning that connects you is an extension of you.... something like that!

More importantly charlie the way it that strangely connected made sense your your dreams too

Magic in the moonlight...

 From that moment on to listening to all the lucky Ali songs of his possible as it had been that long for the first time ever when you decide to get a hold on the missing.....

But that one feeel charlie like you ask her to take home instead and with her on your laptop video calling family you stay out watching drive to survive that has you hooked cooked and booked i say!!!!!

Everything bout it is something you wait for the weekends for the only time you can spare to watch it without pausing and the way apart from the glam sham beauty of the race there's that much to learn bout business in itself like you asociate more now that you run and manage one....how to lead how to manage things team work how to handle a team and works and craft of business like lil things to learn from it....again something that you only started watchjng post his love for F1!!!!

Back then your brother used to talk bout Michael Schumacher and being a fan of his driving n stuff and back then in your head it was regular car driving only now discovering learning the beauty of it....still a noob as he used to say when it comes to the basic core of racing but the overview is something you are hooked onto g9ogling the basics of the sport out with that thing to learn more bout the sport and the brand's associated with it....

Sooo yaaah from him to F1 it went i say back to the moment watching the series with ears mind and evrrythhhg plugged into his lucky Ali music and with that high state of mind over rose n beer combination leaning over the couch there were these moments charlie like suddenly with evry song you hold yourself lean over the couch still awake but that strange beautiful feeling of being held by him instead.....like he was actually there in that moment with you the way everytime you experience a moment like this it takes you back to his words when you miss me just listen to my songs and......

It's like in thise moments you actually felt him hold8ng you being that close to you like after years that feeling of being held hby him in your waking state that is....in your dreams it's almost everyday but in that moment you were still awake and yet could still feel being held by him even writing it now from that nite this feeeeeel!!!!!!

new years magic!

Just when you write after this long fone page axting weird!!!!!

Soooooo yaaah!!!!!

The story the place the vibe and most of all the track the words and that sudden feel it loads you with!!!!

That very same day this one dream that you've been getting this often where you are trying to stay strong of your mind and thus very same moment over n over again where he comes over in ways trying to reach out hold you and you in that strange state don't wanna move not give your hand to hold him maybe it's that thing charlie cause youve been struggling through days even in the waking state to not go by the flow of moments or dreams you dream andbjust take it to be your head instead but the way that one song of his c9nnected that beautifully to that dream of yours froknthat very morning where you could hear him feel his hand looking for yours and you try to move your hand away and the way he keeps saying Aisa Aisa karti haath de bolru like repeatedly just these words so much ki you wakeup looking for his hand like still in search for his hand to hold on to....

And the track the words they end with and that same feeeel of that strong pull and you add him back.....

It was that random to think of it charlie not even bout you but the waaaay it just made you feel like that connected in sync that beautifully with your moment from that very morning.....

And the after feels of that story of his is another story altogether only!!!!!!

New Years magic...

 Late at work come back home usual food order manager decides to stay back at your place as her parents were out that one mind soon as she mentions she'll stay over and you ask her to keep her f9ne to herself everytime she leaves it before you....

Post hour decide to go out for a drive and her first stop being at her boyfriend's place to wish the family and you stay back in the car as she steps out leaves the fone back in.....

It's that ticking away thing that hits you you try n not think but charlie ab if she leaves it for over for that long the mind I say had to as it had been long you stayed away and the sec you do that one story of his backyard the place again with that many memories to that song of his lucky Ali playing the whole vibe of the story that beautiful....to that sec when uncle calls out kittuuu ayyyaaaaaaaaa that one kitttuuuuuuuuu i say!!!!!!

Jo bhi kuch bhi karlo that one kittuuuuu i say!!!!!!

Moments!!!!

 Just when you decide to get a hold on your mind changing habits changing everything to get off writing just cause of the after feels it loads you with…..it’s like always the missing just gets worse one write down!

Some days you okay without writing and on some like today one thing after the other or ever since that New Years night this one struggle to find that peace post writing your mind out….like you that baaaad just wanted to get it out of you just have it out in words to just say it out write it out feeeeel it out as you write and yet you stay away to day the start of the day dream last nite moment at work to coming back home to this set of pjs gift from your mom cause you’d been wanting one for long the design name Iktara cause it had stars all over and of all the colors it was in his navy color….

Wearing something’s specifically this feeel every single time and no matter how much ever deny or struggle to deny certain things the way it just flows through you breathes through you like makes you come alive in an instance……it’s that andar wali feeel charlie it just feels different!

Not your head not your thought but you put on something related connected with him and just that vibe while vibe of that moment the sec you put it on!

Something else!!!!!!

Had to be saved!!!!!

Lil did you know the start of this year will feel this different where you were that sure of changing things within you but then again it’s not upto you nai!!!!!

From painting your nails away in your head it was like an changing okay every lil thing bout myself 2 days on and you keep looking at your hand didn’t feel like your own….get it off and that very second humma!!!!

Is also when you re realise again it’s definitely been too long like he had said but also with that long time you’ve become something else become more Him even writing this down after this long this one pause as you write…..

Before mind gets ajeeb the iktara moment…!

The mind...!

 To fall in love with the eyes the hair the body the skin the outer features or characteristic but with all of it to madly fall and rise in love with someone's mind I say is a different kind of high!!!!

Everytime you live a day like today a moment lile today everything else sort of disappears all that stays like always is the way it made you feeeeeeeel!!!!!!

All feels nothing but just feeels i say!

Right from the start of the new years this year it was magical...magic in your very waking state a lil drunk but almost waking state magical!

Also when everything else holding you back dreams that you take it to be just your mind now falls that beautifully in sync!

Magic!!!!!!