Part of moving on ?!

reading your own state of mind reliving Him from the moments at His versova place and this feeeeeeeeeling now.....

when you read the other hims and the Him.....

like you know visually live the change that is happening now....

also why you dont like writing out the day now.....

cause its always been just Him meaning only Him in your writings.....

and now with another mention of him thats not Him....

is visually seeing the change thats happening now.....

guess a part of moving on ?!!!!!!!

this feeeeeeeeeling now as you see it and realize the change.......

it needs to come with a thing like you know this is how long youll have someone to love and then theyll be gone.... theyll move on.... so this is all you have kinda timeline smthing that you can make the most of the time.... or instead keep away from it in the first place just so you dont end up living the absence missing the presence like this !!!!!!!!

finding Him in somebody else !!!!!!!!!!!

Words !!

some words some moments and the way it sort of breaks that vibe in your mind....

like it draws that line of what and how you are living that complete moment complete experience as and makes you realize this is the real side of it.....

just bout to leave and in a mazaak way yash asks you if you would come along for a grocery date with him tomo as he was heading out to get a few things and if you needed smthing and that shwen it hits you as you look at yash and all that vibe feeeel of Him woosh boolke gayab....

and you tell him you had good stock for another few months kinda thing and just bout to leave and assk for your number again and you tell him it wasnt that necessary as you anyway meet for the walks....

that was when it got weird.....

come back home that need to just be for a bit......

that moment charlie when still on your mind with all Him when someone says that like it suddenly it woke you up in the waking state kinda feeeeling....

ajeeb hai charlie kaikuuu achaaa lag ra its like its Him like He is there for real like you know not when you are sleeping with eyees shut where you miss living these kind of real simple moments with Him like all ofthis its with Him walking beside you..... but that moment date number like that suddenly shook you up.... like what are you even doing !!!!!!!!!!!

all you know is its just making you happy even be it for a few mins its like suddenly you are livng moments with Him in your waking state and not just in your dreams....

its that messed up !!!!!!!

if this wasnt enough in the kitchen cooking some chowmean stuff at least tried to and your mom watching some hindi movie...... till some words and you just come close so you could hear it better without really coming out poora and literally making it that very obviosu to your mom why you wanted to hear it.....

the way it was bout wanting to love someone completely with everything they come with and not just a part of them.... a moment of them, but to love all of them every bit of them.....

that feeeeeeeeeeeeel of Him again.....

bas this is how He did in a way teach you to love by loving you the same way.....

and this is what and how you always wanted to love Him.....

not just for a day for a few moments for an evening or afternoon but every bit of Him to have Him all of Him and not just a part of Him.....

like it sort of defined what you are experiencing lately....

why you were liking loving these walks..... cause it was making you relive Him like this after years....

walks with Him random conversations to share evenings with Him was smthing you only did back then.... never again.....

and moments like these to share moments like these wth Him just stayed with you.... with that one hope till few months back, that too you dont have it anymore.....

like when you know the reality and then you find some way anyway to fill that up even with the absence you just live it just go with it.....

exactly what you are doing, cause its making you happy even be it for that hour cause in that hour in your mind you are with Him in your waking state....

to this one song that plays like you make sure to either stay in the kitchen or in your room cleaning the room that late too and wait for the movie to get over..... cause by the sound of the movie you knew it would only add trouble to your state of mind.....

and this one song starts to play and bas that feeeeeeeeeeeeeel again save that moment save that feeling of the day and take a selfie its the weirdest one with a almost teary face but the way you just wanted to hold that feeel of the day today....

some moments some words like sing to you like its just playing for you kinda thing smtimes....

like you know that beautifully adding meaning to what you are already feeling !!

it was a day filled with ironically beautiful moments today.....

like even with the distance with the absence with the reality to just live this experience of missing living Him.....

Sharing music...

this thing bout His music....

your playlist is like its just yours.....

dont share it with anybody else.....

like not even a single track be it your friend your mom asking what you are listening to like for a bit wanting to give it a listen you just cant..... like that bit its just yours.....

maybe cause its the only bit you have now, that you can call yours.....

today yash asks you what you were listening to like it was making him curious the way you would talk and yet have that one earplug plugging all through the walk.... like that habit of yours and having seen you often pehle se with the earpugs in.... and you just tell him you dont like sharing your music.... and ignoring it away he asks you if you are into edm music and recommends a few artists.... and that bit you ignore away....

music its always been Him.....

the start of music in your life was the start of Him in your life.... like with Him came music.... and how ever since that first track of fink did start your love with music.... not cause you liked the music but cause it was His music.....

ever since then music has been this soul with you in you that goes with you no matter where you are who you are with what you are doing, his music always with you.....

and then have someone else recommend some music and you dont even google the artist or give any of it a listen.....

music is Him.... its like with his absence your way of filling up for that was His music....

or any music that leaves you with that beauuuuuuuutiful vibe of His presence....

like any music that makes you feel anything of Him.....

it all is feeling this weird and yet beautiful charlie.....

like you donnooo what you are doing but it just makes you live Him.... its making you feel like you are living these moments walking these walks with Him having these conversations with Him like its Him talking to you walking beside with you.....

one of those rounds and some joke yash cracks and it cracks you up with to that sudden tear cause in that moment the low tone of voice was like you heard Him talking it was like the voice was His.... and you were laughing to suddenly realizing in a sec it wasnt Him.....

its messed up fcked up but still making you happy strangely weirdly making you look forward to those walks...... cause its making you live Him walking with you in the waking state.....

to that moment one round and you notice this club area part of your apartments had these new plants covered up around the window....

the sight of windows, His versova house.....

and that rush again the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay all of Him in that moment suddenly rushes runs through you !!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT one meet !!!!!!!!!!

when you thot now you finally had His love back in your life again......

A missing like this one...

loving him living him and then years of missing him....

lil did you know you would miss him this way too live him this way too in somebody else.... and love every bit of it knowing its all messed up !!!!!!!

today out for a walk again on a different time just so you could miss out on walking around with yash.... and there was walking and the sec he sees you the way he starts off in hindi just like Him in that same pairaa duk gayee kidhar the tum....

and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling the sec you hear you hear that tone that same tone of His.... and you tell him to stick with english pls and says sure madam and get back to the walk....

that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling you know you are being selfish weird crazy missing Him living Him this way and yet you cant help it now.....

just that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie.....

to not look at the persons face with that just that feeeeeeeeeeeeeel of Him beside you is doing it for you...... like you actually wait for that hour now....

from making you a part of every corner of His life every part of Him to not wanting to have you anywhere no where leave alone close but not even around Him was a life changing reality for you....

from that moment of Him blocking you away that very sec when you just see his story on insta to Him asking you not to mail him or anything to finally seeing Him moving on.....

to the one that changed it all completely for you like it never before did all these years.... that one realization you neveer mattered even in a time like this.....

to still missing him still missing his presence.... to still loving him.....

like bas hai tho hai how do you talk to your insides out ye bolke ke ki boss outside sab change ho gaya hai and you on the inside too will have to go with it....

kaise hote aisa charlie !!!!!!!!

like how does it even work !!!!!!

to finally living Him this way !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

never did you ever think imagine this toooooo could make you live Him this way !!!!!!!!!!

like you are listening to the conversations yash is having with you but in your mind that shadow beside you that person beside you is Him..... cause he wears threeforths same height almost.... and more so its because you never had anyone else beisde you but Him.... like that experience of sharing a walk sharing conversations laughing over em have been moments you just shared with Him....

and then to have soeone else with this state of mind that you are in its like its taking up that space and filling it up with Him....

like in your mind its your escape of missing living those moments with Him.....

uskuuu kaiseeeee kaiseeeeeeeeee miss kiya maine charlie ye aaj kal pata chalra....

like this was also smthing you missed bout Him.... this too was smthing you wanted to do live with Him..... this too was smthing you wanted Him to be with you as.....

like you somebody talking to you wanting to be with you wanting to walk with you share that moment share the evenings with you.... like you know that feeeeeling of you exist you do exist for real....

like after all this time you are visible.... you exist !!

Something in the air...!

quietness at nites is smthing that has become a norm now with the current situation....

but theres smthing that much special on some nites when you can just smell that in the air.....

donno what it is but its that peculiar scent in the air that feels different than the regular nites... not sure if its your mind or there is smthing like this that actually happens for real......

now as you sit in your place with his music playing lights off feet up with this beautiful chill in the air like theres smthing more than just the chill this different scent in the air....

the waaaay it just eases your mind away making it feel smthing more than just the usual beautiful vibe of the nites....

or maybe its this new experience that you are living that you never thot you would and yet did happen is happening....

pata hai charlie this thing bout knowing love knowing missing the one you love is never this fixed way you would ever think or accept that this is all you had to know bout love like you know done with knowing love knowing bout how to love someone.....

its a process that which with time sort of grows with you..... like the more experiences you live the more ways you discover bout loving someone missing someone.....

like this too could be a part of missing someone loving someone or living someone now...!

its strange nai when you read quotes sayings bout love like this is what is love.... that ending quote to the notion of what love is.... it never can be a fixed idea or standard way of loving !!

the waaaaaaaaays you end up loving someone even with their absence or the reality of the situation.....

WAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taken care of !!

ways of love, to care to be cared bout to be missed and all that it comes with....

to be cared bout no matter how strong you are is smthing we all unknowingly crave for.....

this is the first time when you suddenly realize you never mattered really....

and finally decide to change things in and bout your life.....

and with this come new experiences....

that one word watch your step and the next few rounds the way he kept saying be careful as there were lizards too....

it was nothing at all and was in a friendly way that too !!

but it was smthing you def werent used to for years now....

Him being the first and only one in your life that you shared such moments or experiences with.....

after him it has never been anybody....

this time being the first tme ever that you were allowing yourself to stay instead of running away....

with this you realize no matter how strong you are and know you can very well handle yourself sometimes you just need someone to care bout you to be there with you tell you so like it can make that big of a difference.... exactly what and how you felt that day being out for the groceries.....

to have someone to be there for you and with you.....

charlie whoo feeeeling bhi you lived with him.....

never having experienced that kind from your father he was there always filling up for all that you missed out on all your life....

it was with Him you did experience what and how beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful it was to be cared bout to be taken care of.... like it used to amaze you how that feeeeeling could feel that much beautiful and same as being loved can.....

to just be taken care of is BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!!!!!

to know you got someone who will take care of you no matter what is beautiful....

no matter how independent or self dependent you are in life, we all need want to be cared bout taken care of even be it for the silliest of stuff..... but that feeling of having someone is different !!

to think of it now it feels that much more strange and weird cause its been that long since you havent experienced it.....

Presence...

its only when you live or come across such situations do you realize the many ways that you could miss someone.... in the lilst of simplest of ways....

like even smthing as lil as that could mean the world to you !!

today when you decide to go out for the walk at a different time a lil later than the usual....

few rounds later yash comes over too.... today in three forths and t shirt.... the sight of the three forths and the waaaaaaaaay the mind again all Him.... only the t shirt wasnt like he used to wear it as with the end of the sleeves folded one fold.... which being with him back then you did get used to wearing it the same his way too.... like even now you always fold the sleeves one fold at the end for tees.....

conversations bout your work economy and the general stuff and that one sec when he says watch your step..... it was a puddle of water over a step that you missed seeing....

yash has a beard and tall too its that feeling that you realized today as walking by your side gives you that feeeeeeeeling of having Him walking next to you....

like there was that feeeeeling to that moment when yash says that it was that thing.... to be looked at taken care of even slightest bhi to that moment of reliving Him saying the same....

knowing your habit of tripping over the flattest of surfaces too.... that day at the mall when you trip over a few steps and he screams at you saying deke chalne nai hota terku zara sambhalna na karely.... and you couldnt get up with that pain over your ankle and he takes your leg and tries to put over his leg to check and you keep saying a no and pull it back cause you didnt like him doing in with people around like you know hold your ankle being on his knees with people looking at him.... and the waaaaaay he just looks into your eyes and tells you its us karely lemme see..... and tries to massage the ankle and then holding you takes you to the car.....

again screams at you adoooorably asking you to be careful and why couldnt you just be careful while you walk.... cause by then he had seen you a zillion times falling in every place surface possible.... and you just sit there smiling laughing at him scolding you.... him asking you what was making you laugh or smile everytime he gets mad at you and you tell him you loved him controlling you correcting you.... that very same second the waaaaaaaaaaay he fataaak see holds your arm away like he always used to.... and then asks you again like this you mean....

smthingssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELING NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings you dont wanna write and the waaaaaaaaaaaay you just cant just cant hold back from writing either.... its like this way of reliving that moment as you write like this way atleast to live that moment relive it for the moment.......

sooooooo yahhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

it was another one of those most loved things that you looooooooooooooved bout him.....

it used to give you that strange extreme level of khushi you still donno why.......

it did start with him holding your arms away as you try to release your hand...... with that to anything at all he would correct you for or get adooooorably mad at you you just looooooooooved it......

him controlling you asking you not to do smthing or correcting you it was a different love..... and loved evry bit of it it just used to make you that happy..... and that he could never understand why him getting mad at you used to make  you that happy smile away with him being still that mad at you !!!!

that moment today watch your step came with that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful echo of his voice.....

to those rounds of walk when you dont look up at yash not even for once its not smthing you avoid doing so but theres nothing like you want to or feel like its just blind conversations literally..... good ones but you not even for once do you look up and the waaaay all through the walk those flashes of how you could never take your eyes off him.... its nt bout comparing but apart from Him youve never had any conversation with a guy or long walks like these ever before..... its always been just him....

this prolly is the first tme ever....

its that feeeeeeeeling charlie to just have that presence by your side of a guy of a man walking with you cause in that blur image on your mind as you can just feel the presence and not see the face of the one walking beside you it makes you feel like its Him.....

chaddis beard tall just walking with you.....

its complicated and that very beautiful.....

it just feels nice to have someone share smthing with you like you want to talk to you want to hear you want to spend that  time with you want to have that conversation with you.... like you know share smthing with you....

and then there is that beauty that goes on your mind.....

that takes over everything else.....

cause in your mind it makes you realize today that apart from the obvious His smell, touch, hug, chummi everything else that comes along you just miss his presence this way too with you.... to just have Him walk with you by your side to have any conversation to feel His presence beside you with you like you know you look around and then loook to your side and He is there to just live that feeeeling like you miss that lilst of Him too to just have him by your side live his presence that way too.....

you miss that much ki it was just making you smile today.....

as it had just rained and teh wind was beautifully wild today.....

and to just feel that presence of Him instead.... when you realize you actually were liking this cause it in a way was filling up for his absence..... it was making you relive those walks with Him by your side cause you werent even looking at yash and were just living the presence beside.....

cause seeing the face would have meant breaking the illusion that your mind was living and loving......

Lil'st of joys...

times like these its those lilst of joys that can make a lot of difference.....

like the beauty quietness and the beautiful chill n smell in the air......

one of those days that usual started with looking for him after that presence of his smell around.... to that moment when you realize you were finally 5 kgs down wit 3 more to go.... all that almost depression state months had lead to unhealthy weight gain..... with no time on hand earlier you couldnt manage on losing all of that and in just one month 5 kgs down was a record !!!!

like you did notice when clothes were fitting back and only fittin loose but its when you visually see it on the scale - lilst of joys i tell you !!

to that sight of the rains today and every single time it rains thi sbeauuuuuuuuutifully......

smthings i guess you can never get used to or even get over with..... its that sense smell presence of his that every rain brings along.... a longing that has lasted for more than a decade now !!

now its like rains with a scent of their own so does him, like one beautiful package....

theres so much negativity around with people talking every shit possible bout economy work health n more... there are very few that actually hope to come out better stronger from a situation like this one.....

like all you need is that one strong line of hope to hold onto and holding it on will only make it possible.... smthings you write and this another realization yaaaaaaaaa right as if only lets skip that for now actually.......

soooooo yaaah a day of realizing losing weight to trying to make the most deliciously healthy chaat at home like trying to learn cooking and pick out the easiet stuff to try on was prolly the better option.....

it was only the evening that sort of was the highlight of it all......

it feels all of this suddenly this different.....

its like when you grow used to someones presence or maybe the only one by your side seeing someone else feels this different.....

very !!!!!!!!!!!!

lil did you know watching that very first film he that badly wanted you to see My sassy girl, your life will actually turn out to be closely the same.....

sitting there hand over your shoulder playing it for you cause he had to go to the kitchen and ask bhupal to make smthing for you..... plays it for you and tells you that adoooorably dhyaan see dekhna dont miss anything.....

agaaaaaaaaaaaaain from where to where only it went......

Just when you write.....

there are moments you live and the one today being different that beautifully different cause of the situation state of mind you are in now.....

and you live or experience smthing like this like you were standing there and all you could see was Him..... without even having to shut your eyes..... you could just see that moment from back then with Him.... his sound his face his smile the way he was looking at you that backdrop of the spencers behind under the gym....

like everything around before and inside of you did become that beauuuuuuuuuuuutifully just Him....

and the after of living a moment like that one you just couldnt deal or make sense....

like you needed those few hours to get back to being normal....

and here now with that news of how its become this smthing that humankind hasnt experienced and that need to write out the state of mind and then this moment and now this feeeeeeeeeeeeling after writing and reliving it now again as you write.....

how it all feeeeeels that much stronger deeper now as you relive it as you write.....

like def deeper than it felt just sitting by yourself with his music playing hoping it makes it better.... makes it makes you feel back to a lil more normal.... cause when that level of sudden missing hits you you just knowwwwwwwwwww how only worse it keeps getting from thereon....

to now again all it took was reliving it again as you write and this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling again now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling right now.....

with just flashes of him rushing through with every blink as you blink.....

Beam of light...

and then there are moments like these.....

the only outing for now late evening post workout walks....

today out for the walk usual, the guy that helped you with the groceries comes along and asks you if you were okay if he joined and finally introduces himself as yash.... usual intro and asking you what you do n stuff and him into food business....

it was weird today this time.... usually its you running away avoiding interactions like these....

not sure why even be it a casual one this time today you did.... like you still were there and dint run away this time....

maybe it had to do with that one feeling thats always been there with you the feel of belonging to someone and suddenly now you donno where you belong to....

its not there anymore....

it was a friendly conversation to jokes on food and the food business to him telling you bout how he pursued architecture first to being an interior designer and now finally landed with the food business.... like he was funny and only today did you realize you actually laughed like that after years.... or for that matter had some conversation non work the attention on you kinda conversation... like you know someone listening wanting to have that conversation wanting to share smthing with you kinda good conversation.... and not in the flirtatious way like a genuine good conversation....

like it was almost a good hour past your walk time and it was that one moment just that one moment....

with his music still playing with usual one ear plugged into his music.... that one moment as you take the turn and he asks you stop just there and thats when you actually look up at him.... and he says how your eyes light up and look even browner as the beam of light falls upon your face....

in less than a flash of a sec there was Him.....

evrything that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully just Him......

the sudden flash of Him looking at you and telling you to move your face a lil to this side so its directly pointing towards the sunlight and then tells you how your pupils were that big and that brown and how he could see his face in your eyes that clear in that light.... like he was loving that visual of seeing his reflection in your eyes.....

today that one moment with his lucky ali playing and that very similar moment and you just move back and say a bye and walk towards the apartment....... just a moment that one sec of Him and the way it all becomes that beaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuutifully all Him inside of you.....

like through that moment or after all  you could feel live think miss relive was Him.....

there was that weird feeling of not sure what guilt smthing just dint feel right.....

to when yash calls out asking was it smthing someone used to tell you cause your face changed suddenly to if this was your usual time and then asking for your number and you just say a bye and leave....

come back home in your room shut away from everything else light off and just be with his music playing loud....

some moments flash by that quick like you know matter of a second but the impact could last forever.....

those few hours after that moment was all n more bout that....

the impact.....

that one beam of light that one sec of another one of your most loved moments with Him.....

its that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie who pipe mein se ekdum seeeeeee wooooooooooosh bolke suddenly paani kaise aataaa full force mein.....

it was that same push same force same rush that suddenly rushed all through you, through every vein in your body in that fraction of a second.....

Him rushing through every single vein in your body... just a moment, just a beam of light...!

Tough times and learning...

when its all good beautiful and easy, its a rare that you learn smthing bout life cause its all that good.....

everythings seems and is perfectly beautiful..... you just go with it and barely learn smthing bout it !!

its only and mainly when it gets tough testing do you learn discover experience smthing new bout life....

and this who knows it better than you !!!!!!

this time too.... you be positive bout the whole thing still am but its when you see read come across news like stating it to be the most unusually scary and never befor kinda situation that th human kind has ever experienced or expected to be hit by....

been on this for last few days ever since the outing for groceries... like that one was a total eye opener.....

like the seriousness of the situation in  your face kinda thing !!

to this one msg from an old initial client of yours was a forwarded one tho to this news few mins back.... stating this to be an eye opener for the human race in more ways than one, allowing them to use this time to prioritize things in life and relate to the aspects of life that had gone unnoticed or unattended....

this msg yesterday from the client that goes to whom so ever it may concern as you are in my contacts am assuming i know you and heres me wishing and hoping you and your family are fine and remember these are tough times and we shall all overcome and come out of it stronger....

and know that am here for you if you need someone to talk or any kind of help....

you just write back with a big thank you and hoping the same with her too....

that one message set of words the expression and intention behind the msg left a lasting impact on your mind......

how lil did you know her how lil was the interaction how long were you in touch with her and most importantly how much did she mean to you..... coming back to your only person that ever mattered to you in your life, no trace of you !!!!!!!

you do come across this logic term statement of people change time changes but lil do you know it could be this drastic too.....

like you dont really understand the weight of such a statement till you experience it for real....

change is smthing that nobody has control over..... sooner or later it happens in the course of time.....

be it what we are currently going through too, this will change a lot of things people perceptions around the world bout a whole lotta things.....

so did it for you a lot of things.....

to finally know to finally understand and to finally see things as they are.....

an dmake peace with it.....

and most importantly to let go of the expectations hopes that youve subconsciously held onto....

kabhi lagta charlie is it really that easy and simple to not care at all !!!

like to just not care no matter what happens is it really that easy and simple to do !!!!!!!!!

like you alone know how much how bad  youve tried all this while to actually not care give it a thought like to bas just be and not care at all...... but kuch bhi karloo nai hua, pata nai kyu bas nahi hua..... no matter how hard you tried not to but naich hua.....

like that one random msg from a close to stranger literally shook your mind up..... it wasnt even anything but that one feeeeeeeeeeeel it overloaded you up with !!!!!!!

someone you barely knew, to the only one you ever knew...!

A moment...

today it was that moment.....

when your manager insist on coming over to discuss some work but it was more for the drink as she was out of stock.....

finally wine it was the only left..... her few done you one and half i guess down.... and that shift of mind.... by the window with the breeze his music one ear still playing and her some dinchik music playing... she gets off and starts to dance still talking smthing bout work and pulls you rhand wnating you to dance along and that one moment as she feels your back at that very place.... and that one sec that one moment Him !!!!!!!!!!!!!

some moments that beautifully magical.....

when her standing she disappears her voice still talking disappears everything around that beautifully disappears in an instance...... all that stays all that you could feel was His touch from that noon.....

his voice still talking to you with that brush of breeze over your face....

like you were still in the tdoay but liiving breathing that moment from years back.....

the waaaaaaaaay just the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it made you feel today....

like you move away from her and make some excuse and out for a walk where you barely could walks so you just sit over the lawn fence side of it and just be with his music....

to live him in moments like these.....

how smthing that random her doing feeling you rback felt weird and the very next sec there was His touch..... the touch that was your home.....

you just be with eyes shut reliving him from back then.....

when you miss someone THIS bad and for the longest period of your life even a sec of a moment like this one means the world to you.... cause it made you allowed you to relive the time that meant the world to you, allowed you to relive that touch all over again......

there are dreams that many of them and  you trying your best o take em as just dreams and then there are moments like these......

how why what you still donno it was always Him...

even writing it now this THIS feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in that moment charlie as the touch shakes you up today and the next sec you could feel his hands instead.... like with your eyes shut that same feeeeeeeeel of his touch today was your moment of magic just that happy in that moment.....

the waaaaaaaaaay all of him from back then all that love of his his missing and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay it made you feel today !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Home...

people feel like home is actually a fact.... but the touch that one touch of someone could also feel like home....

was smthing again you lived with him...

that day after a few hours when again he comes stands there says smthing random and goes back to his room that was when his sister asks  you to go be with him as she was leaving for a shower and you insist on staying with her and the way she tells you she could see how upset he was how much he was missing you being in the nex room bhi jus by the way his face looked that low his voice felt that low.....

like for those few mins you waited for the time to run a forward speeeedy forward for a few secs more just sooooo his sister gets in the shower and you could runn to him runnnnnnn to him !!!!!!!!!

soon as she leaves you runnnn to his room.....

him sitting in the corner most part of the bed with his laptop you just stand there and look at him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just looks up at you some moments years after too !!!!!!!!!!!!

this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling goosebumps with one tear down the cheek.....

no matter where and with who life leads you to, he will always be the only love you ever loved in life...

the only one ever......

see this only how blessed you truly madly wholefully gottaaaaa be to be loved back i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!

how BLESSED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you just stand there arms wide open still looking at him and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay he hjumps across the bed literally and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he holds you away in that moment i swear charlie the way his hug felt like he was away for a long time out of city town country and got back and hugged kinda missing it was......

you missed him too but the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay his hug his missing felt was not even close to yours.....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just holds you nodding away over your shoulder that low tone of voice i donno why i missed you this much you being this close to me in the next room and i could hold you talk to you be with you..... i missed you so much it was the worst feeling !!

the waaaaaay he just goes on n on bout how much he missed you and just couldnt stand there and look at you with someone else instead of with him.....

there is that beauty charlie to just feeeeeeel that one feeeeeeeling of being wanted missed wanted that bad like you know you matter your presence matters that much to someone your love matters that muhc to someone..... its beyond any other experience or feeling one can feel.....

to just be wanted missed loved to matter to someone....

this was much before his bangalore or bombay trips and that was the first time you lived his missing in his arms.... the very first missing of his !!

like he was just holding you initially though but just holding you making the most of your presence..... and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay still holding you that fataak se changes the tone and asks you bout what had happened cause he did sense that strongly that there was smthing not right with you....

and then when he saw your face he was that sure of it.....

till he asks you that you forget bout that feeling of touch.... it was only when him still holding you that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling.... that one beauuuuuutiful realization....

his sister being a girl tooo her touch tooo did shake you up.... and there was Him...

ever since the very start any touch of his even that moment when he apne app holds your hand still friends over the escalator knowing it was smthing you were petrified of....

it just felt like home.....

ever since the start.....

it wasnt new smthing you always knew and were that used....

His touch was your beautiful home....

being held by him to just be held by him hiding away in his arms was your home.....

the only place you ever wanted to be.....

that day that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful comfort of his arms as he that beauuuuuuuutifully dheere se again feels the place where it was hurting you at the back and asks you if it was still hurting and if you wanted him to apply that ointment instead....

you didnt tell him a word nothing at all and the way he says that shakes you up and move back still in shock looking at him and that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful nod of his..... like he knew that was it.....

and as he applies it tells you that he did see the ointment in her hand and your scared expression knowing your discomfort for touch he knew that was it....

you could neevr really understand how he knew you that well..... even in that moment him applyying it and telling you bout it that feeeeeeeeeling not even your mom can still sense even today if you are upset or happy....

him with just a sec of stare at you and just knew it all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in just a second....!

To be loved...

i swear charlie this one thing this one logic way of life thing - to be loved by someone you love is prolly the biggest thing that anybody could ever earn in life.....

its nthing less than being blessed for life...!

to love is one thing and then to be loved back is smthing you really gotta be lucky blessed in life to earn it....

one may achieve earn everything that one possibly can get to greater heights in life but that peace that space of peace in your life to be loved by the one you love is smthing else and nothing like anything else that could prolly even come close to that feeeeling.....

this is whyyyyyyyyyyy you avoid drinkin the stronger ones..... even the walk today dint help when you want to write is diff to what you are writing now......

this mind righ now this rush of feeeeeeeeeeeeeelings like toooooo many wayyyyyyy to ooooo many feeeelings all at once.....

moral of the story to beloved is smthing you only gotta be blessed with !!!!!!!!

and you were at one point in life.....

one of those days when he would want you to suddenly spend some time with his sister and that afternoon too you werent expecting him and suddenly comes over sks you to get ready and you do as said on your way down to your fav corner of the steps he stops you and holds you awaaaay smthings you dont wannaaaaaaa write !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not anymore and then this feeling as you write nowwwww !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would just ekdum seee take you awaaay in his arms hold you and just stay that way and that beauuuuuutifully dheeere se tells you that he wanted you to stay that afternoon with his sister as much as you can....

and that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful hmm of a question in that low toone of his voice and you just nod still holding him.... just that nod the waaaay it makeshim that happy and that you could feel in his hug as he holds you even more closer.....

once done on yoru way down him playing smthing with you it was tickle or his usual kicks as he walks ahead and you miss a step or smthing and trip over a few steps and hit your waist part ahainst the corner of the step or wall it was.... and just before you were bout to hit the ground he holds you awaaay !!!!!!!

in that moment it did hurt just abit but with time it sort of was hurting really bad.....

by the time you reach his place and in his sisters room the way he keep sasking you if you were okay and all..... after smtime his sister notices blood at the back of your top and asks you what happened and lifts up your top without even asking like that worried she was.... and there was a deep bruise around the back part of the waist.....

asks you to lie down and insists that she applies some lotion to make it better.....

ever since the thing in your childhood youve always been that uncomfortable with touch like it always shakes you up and makes you uneasy in the worst possible way....

as she starts to apply the lotion she tries to pull the jean down a lil more lower and that touch felt weird.... it just dint feel right like you could just feel it dint feel right... and you try to move stop her from doing so and she goes on with insisting on applying it that very same sec his knock on the door asking you if you were okay that very same sec and you scream and mazaaak mein say you werent okay as his sister wasnt leaving you and all.... and he goes on knocking all the more asking to open the door like what you both were upto kinda knock.... you fataaak se get up and open the door.....

that one sight of him there to just see him there that very same sec like all of you that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadly just wanted to hold him away hug him awaaaaay the dentest way possible......

that touch made you uncomfortable in the worst way possible !!!!!!

and that maybe was smthing he did see it in you still asking you in ishaara bout what happened as you dint look okay.....

he could just see anything charlie...... like you neevr had to tell him aisa hua waisa hua bolke anything hint of discomfort in you anything that shook you upset you anything bad to good he culd just see it in you like one look from him and he would just knowwwwwwwwwwwww smthings was that good that made you that happy or you just werent okay....

the way that day too his sister doing smthing looking for smthing else and you standing there looking at him with that sigh of him having been there at that very moment and him still asking you in ishaara if you were okay.... and you just nod and tell him its all good and just tell him timing hai teri....

go back to being with his sister and he stays there for a bit longer and then goes back to his room too....

every few mins the way he would just come stand at the door just look at you just be there that way and then go back to his room.....

every time charlie he was there at the door that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling in you through you like would just hold your hand with his stare wanting you to come along with him..... that one missing of his just by the way he would stand there looking at you....

and you couldny do a thing neither run to him and hold him away or tell him that you missed him too.....

you just be there living that missing of his in that moment....

that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his to miss you in your presence the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would just stand there and give you that one adoooooooooooooorable kid missing you look of his.....

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee smthings !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling right now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exactly why you dont want to write these moments anymore......

thi sfeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling it fills  you up with.......

suchaaaaaaaaaaa mess !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUCHAAAAA MESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Faces of fraction moment of magic.....

it wasnt the wine it wasnt the weather suddenly this beautifully breezy !!!!!!

it was just that one moment that shook you up and left you with yet another most beauuuuuuutiful day with him.....

dreams now with several moments through the day when you still feel him and as much as you are trying to accept it to be your mind acting upp like one big amusement park with a trip of its own.....

refusing to see accept and understand the reality side of it.....

and there is a moment like this one from nowhere smthing this unexpected and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling to just relive those moments all over again leaves you with.....

just that hint of happy high slooow mind !!!!!!!

like if finding some beauty of a track wasnt enough as you struggle to hold back your mind from feeling that way all over again there was this moment.....

and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa just like that in that moment for those few mins or hour you were just hint of happy highhhhh !!!!!!!

when you just have the wine just for the sake to feeeeeling that way all the more.....

like it makes you allows you soak float yourself a lil more in that feeeeeling as you relive him from back then.....

moment of magic !!!!!

this one strange ironic feeling as you look at your own pics how happy you actually looked its  this thing that any memory be it even for a sec or moment bhi and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it loads you up with !!!!!!!

its beyyooooooooond words logic wali feeeeeling says for itself....

to be looooooooooooved that much THAT much and then to recall relive that love THAT much love even now decade after and teh waaaaaay it tsill makes you feel.....

two different people two different worlds lived in one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

extremes !!!!!!!!!

its that thing nai charlie either you live smting like that for life ya phir naich hona thaaa......

nai !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was magic today !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to just feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel him in that moment when you are in the worst lost state of mind aaj kal..... to just live him in that moment today was smthing else !!!!!!!!!

Mind like amusememnt park !!

when your mind feels nothing less than one amusement park !!!!!!!

these highs very rare now, with these lows that often now.....

and right in the middle of all you trying your best this time to overcome there are moments that you out of nowhere get blessed with.....

like in an instance they woooooooooosh bolke take you back to the most looooooooooooved time of your life.....

in just one touch.....

giving you all the reasons why till now its always been Him bas Him !!!!!!

there are things you can change want to change will change and then there are moments like these that has you lost this beautifully lost all over again.....

His touch...!

Experiences! 2

nobody prepares you in adv for things like these....

def not and thank god for that, this being the only time that the planet goes through what it had to and soon it all be the same again back to normal !!

but that one feeling of walk that one feeling of still looking for somebody beside you walking that walk with you telling you wordlessly that you werent alone like you know you know youve got someone with you that one someone to just tell you like it was madness the way all you could think of some voice telling you with a tap over your shoulder chal khaana leke ayinge....

that smallest of thing but to you that day that one thing meant the world....

it wasnt just bout the grocceries it was bout being with someone in times like these it was bout having a partner to share times like these with to feel safe to feel secure especially in times like these.....

the way just looking around the places the deserted streets around made you also realize even in a time like this not even for once did he even for a sec think if you were okay or not like if at all did you ever matter to him.....

it was the weirdest afternoon youve ever lived !!!!!!!!!!!!!

def !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was all your fault him having been clear all along all these years making sure he did make you realize where you were in his life out of that line standing outside the boundary of his place.....

and yet you dint see it through couldnt still understand where you were at !!!!!

him now having found his pretty one as lil as you could see it was now your time to move on life....

this one thing you did realize you cant go on in this life on your own.... with just having someone to live moments in the dreams... you need that care that love that someone through your days and reality too..... smthings you write and then backspace it and then now this need to write again what you were writing..... beautiful irony of some moments n thots !!

you need the same love care that presence that you feel in the dreams in your reality through the days too in your waking too.....

beautiful irony i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooo yahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings and the way and what they leave you with is beyond words.....

that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling that you missed the most after a decade....

the waaaaaaaay all through that walk with those thots all that was playing through on loop was the sight of his hands around you in the movie crowd..... the way he had that habit of shielding away the area around you with his hands after the movie gets done.... to making sure nobody comes even a bit close to you !!!!!!!

some moments make you realize this is what you are missing.....

love you are done with for this life !!!!!

that def wont happen again.....

but to have someone by your side is smthing all of us need to....

not just for the good but especially when it gets bad...!

Experiences!!

be it small or big experiences like these teach you a lot more than you were ready or prepared to learn...

they def make you overcome your fear or in your case made you a bit more stronger....

overcoming fear bit not sure but stronger bit lil bit thoo you felt !!

get off the car at the gate he cause you just wanted to take that walk....

never did you ever think you could or would say this all of us need someone charlie in life....

you cant spend the life on your own....

you need someone by your side not sure bout the good days but on days like these you def need someone to just be by your side and make you feel its all gonna be just okay..... like you know be that friend that partner that father that smthing that you sure know has your back and is with you through this.....

its that safe place that one feeeeeeeeling that you felt for the first and only time with Him...

when with him no matter where you are in crowd or in those deserted streets of opera that one feeeeeeeeeling of being the safest the most secure with and by just His presence.....

knowing feeling you were and will be safe with Him by your side...

lil did you know !!!!!!!!!

after decade that same longing for that one feeling to just feel that way again....

to feel being safe secure with someone !!!!!

Seeing things !!

day before when the news bout the extension of the lockdown announced and you decide to get a few groceries a lil stocked up !!

and with your mom diabetic there was no way she could come along and thanks to your no driving skill too you had to do find some way to get it done.....

you head out telling your mom that your manager next building was coming along her being too scared wouldnt step out.... there is this service from bb that does stock up some groceries at the fridge in the apartment but thats only limited stuff not the all of grocery stuff.....

so with no way but to find some way to get the grocery stocked now not sure how long this would actually last than what they are saying as of now....

walking out of the apartment to the main gate that one weird feeling in the stomach like all those thots of having father partner brother someone by your side that one feeeeeeeeling that kept growing with each step.....

lil did you know it will only get that much more worse when you were finally out....

still at the gate asking bout if any available driver that could come along some way and they kept saying no cause drivers n maids not allowed inside the premises and there was no way they would let ur driver get the car out and head out....

stll not sure what to do with the situation and this one bike comes out of the apartment and close to the security takes the masks off and it was one of ur neighbor that stays on the same floor with his parents.... like it was a cordial knowing the guy being the office timings in the mornings.... and the guy asks what it was bout cause he knew you stayed with your mom and asks you if you needed some help as he was heading to get the groceries and you could come along and you just look at the bike and just nod back saying a no thank you....

goes back in and comes out in the car and tells you if its bout the social distancing thing you could sit at the back seat and you finally get in.....

from that moment on to looking around roads with cops not a single human on street that weird scary vibe around that feeeeeeeeeeeeeling finally sinking in how serious the complete situation ekdum se turned out to be....

that feeling of being on your own just you out and you were scared and the most lonely that youve ever felt in your life.....

it was the worst feeling charlie i swear...

like suddenly it all looked like one of those scary dreams that you get mostly down with fever....

big world around big big people only this time it was the big big cops with big barricades around and nobody else not a single sight of human that smell that weird vibe in the air it just felt like one of those scary dreams that you were living for real.... just you in the world around !!

that feeeeling was nothing like youve ever experienced before.... those thots of having a partner a father shoulder pe pat karke bole chal khaana leke aayenge....

you know that feeeeeeeling when you look by your side and it fills you up with the worst lonely feeeeeeling ever..... with that one wish hoping you had someone with you that day to just be with you !!!!!!

you thot you were very strong now being independent youve gone through the most n the worst but nothing nothig at all would even come close to what and how you felt that day !!!!!!!

to finally reaching the grocery store and you see the line wait for your turn and finally in two people fighting over the last bag of rice and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling again giving their own excuses bout the same how the other needed the most and those movies contagion i am legend lil did you know or anybody knew things like those could happen for real too.......

i swear people need to stop making such movies !!!!!!!!!!

when the store guy comes with two more bags and it was your turn and another lady requests for the same it was that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie you wanted to stock up but she needed it you dint know if you could come out again but that feeling when you just cant couldnt have walked out with that bag even being the first one to get it..... its not bout being good or bad its just bout the time that it has come down to and you try to analyze who needs it more she was really elderly all by herself maybe standing there and literally pleading you to give it to her.....

you let it go and she without saying a word more that happy face leaves immediately she was there just for the rice.... moments some moments you just lose your sense of self like standing there not sure whats happening and when will it get better kinda thing.....

pick few other things and wait for the guy to be done.....

back in the car and he starts to talk bout what you do your name n stuff and you couldnt say a word that weird feeling from stomach to now the throat just looking around..... you were scared fcking scared the worst ever scared youve ever been !!!!!!

almost till the gate and the most unexpected thing happens the bigbasket guy calls up informing bout the usual load that was filled in the fridge cause you did ask him to inform beforehand and today of all the days asks you if you needed anything more they can add that too as they were taking individual orders too and you finally ask for the rice bags !!!!!

it all comes around !!

that one moment that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling it fills you up with !!!!!!

that one moment of sigh smthings again you cant really define out in words....

that one day that one noon was def nothing like youd ever experienced before.....

it was an experience....

Times like these !!

there is thing charlie bout watching things and actually seein things for real...

like for yourself samne to samne kinda thing.....

and as beautiful as this sounds it can also get that much more scarier too !!

and this you did realize when you see what exactly is happening around city wise..... like the extreme changes that have taken place around and the way it changes a lot of things...

not just on the outside but on the inside too !!

who hota nai charlie some moments and this thing they come along with called realization......

like suddenly you realize way too many things when you experience situations like you have never before !

not just you alone, am sure most of us all across the planet couldve never even imagined something as extreme like this too could happen....

To words...

again just the titles of songs words you come across as someone talks smthing or you read smthing and that same feeling.....

you just connect or relate in an instance....

music visuals moments words are nothing but those lil fraction secs of magic that goes through the day.....

this one beautiful pic on one of those most loved pages that goes with words that sort of make you reflect on !!

five years from now living this beautiful view nd with you by my side....

just does it for you !!

in a sec you were more than lost than youve ever been......

its like chutki mein you just lose sense of everything....

wondering where what !!!!!!!!

who hota nai charlie the reality when it hurts or anything for that matters if it hurts you sort of tend to divert your mind away off it just so you dont see where or how it hurt you.... hoping it wont hurt anymore....

same goes with the real side of life too, most of which you sort of tend to ignore away like not really give it a thot what where and all that jazz that comes with it....

and then comes a moment a lil set of words with visual and you are lost.....

is when you rush to that place where you find the most peace at......

sound of his music.....

music can take you places where you yearn to be at and yet cant.....

and maybe thats why it now literally is life to you !!

it takes you to the place the only place where youve longed to be...

takes just a song a sec of sound!!

everytime you have someone friend mom even the driver commenting how you always are plugged in music lil does anybody know what and how much it means to you !!

mind feeling a lil more high than wht it was and you knowwwwwwwwww this when you can feel him rushing through you all the more now as you write.....

what you want to write to where it keep sleading to !!!!!!!! 

Moments...

chating with mom, working out, watching movies or series, learning to cook smthing, cleaning the house sorting things out but all it comes to those moments that are the real you that you connect withthe actual the most.....

its where you find you.... lose yourself, and find you...

moments where its just you his music and just you......

the most you !!!!!!!!!

its different now the moments that you spend with yourself rethinking it all over with his music working that bit of magic in allowing you to relive hhis every detail......

almost every nite this love to spend that time with yourself....

even if watching some movie the waaaaaaaay your mind suddenly drifts off n away to everything him.....

and everytime it does this one thing maybe you did lack in your love in loving him.....

you couldnt make him stay.....

there are things you dont wanna think or recall just so it dosnt hurt you anymore than what and how it did already.....

and then there is the mind that just does it own thing....

maybe you did lack smthing !!

and then there are moments where you sort of drag your mind out of it and go back to your safehouse side of the mind....

just reliving his love and then the waaaaaaaaay lilst of moments from back then lilst of his waaaaaaaays of loving you sort of connect reconnect with the moments from the dream.....

its like it still connects maybe again its your mind ofc,...

but the waaaaay it just still connects....

him doing the very things he usedto back then but the way the him from the dream is the him now.... the way he looks now the way it still feels that real like its for real.....

writing now reading your mind out now - ABSOLUTE MADNESS !!!!!!!!!!!

and then there are moments through the day even be it at home the lilst of ways that you feeeeel him be it in that hour of raining and listening to his music that one line i think about you when it rains and you feel the rain on your hand and face and just be looking at the birds trying to hide away from the rains.....

and every single time they spread their wings that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of his arms that visual of him raising his arms up above ready for a flight of his own..... you just standing there making the most of that moment of that visual of that moment of watching him transform into the most gorgeous bird ever !!!!!!!!!

to that one sec where amidst the pigeons there was this one his white bird that flies through zoooop bolke.... the white bird that he used to call as flying stars across the nite sky back then.....

to that moment today when playing his other now your most loved track the question you galti se click on some other link with same song and the song ends with lines most loved lines from the eternal sunshine movie....

I'm just happy... im exactly where i wanna be !!

the track the artist was in no way connected to the movie....

and finding that same track of his with his movie - magic !!

and the waaaaaaaaaaaay it that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutif you ully just connected with what and how you felt just days back waking up after having lived that moment with him......

just where and only where you always have wanted to be...!

or this moment smtime back the waaaaaaaay it just felt like he called out for you !!

its in these moments you sort of forget the reality cause thats the pure magic and beauty of moments like these.....

where logic mind disappears and all that stays is how and what it made you feel like...

and you just go with it, let it hold your hand away and pull you off n away from everything else.... and go closer to where and what means matters the most...

some moments the vibe of some moments is beyond you yourself !!

that strong feel of smthing that you feel from within like everything in you gets pulled by smthing like you can literally feel it rush through you all of you on the inside being pulled off n away.....

to, with and by a moment !!

That level f sukoon-2!!

its that feeeeling charlie like this him dream him is yours just yours alone !!!!!!!!!!!

only him actually now that you have !!!!!!!

and usmeee bhii if some moment you feel that you missed out on by waking up that one feeeeeeling kaisaaaaaaaaaa kaisaaaa feeeel hotaaa is beyond words....

that feeeling stays plus the news plus the wierd feelling of everything happening around and usmee that one moment that one sukoon moment bhi you wake up and find no him obvsly the after of it is the worst !!!!!

the very next day its like that feeeeeeling in you again this weird logic your mind can come up smtimes with..... yeich this only things in your mind sound better at least def sound bettter than writing it now.... cause writing your mind out your that moment feeling out now is like actually reading how mad how truly mad can you get missing someone like the things your mind the logics your mind can come up with trying to reason out what and how you felt is beyooooooond !!!!!!!

the very next day trying to sleep switching sides left rite left rite and this one momnet with his music stll playing again this new looooove to plug in the earplugs with his music playing and sleep to just lay that waaaaaaay no matter where it is on your bed on the floor on the couch still watching smthing and you instead switch to his music plug in and just lay with no lights is absolute BLISS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like thats your moment thats your life right there in that moment you feel the most complete in that momnet again just smthing you know what and ow it makes you feel like.....

soooooooooooo yaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.....

with turn after turn and this one turn and that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his smell that close to you like you could smell him that closest and that slow pull to go closer so you could feel him very slow and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling the waaaaaaaaaaaay he just holds you away like literally takes you away in his arms whilst you are still in that same sleeping positon making sure you dont move and miss out again..... and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay him making sure that he dosnt wake uupi up the waaaaaaaaay he gently holds youa way and holds you closer to him..... that close kii you could feeeeeeeel his daaaaaaadi ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauty of his daaadi over your forehead and you try to go up a lil more just so you could feel more and smellllllll him more.... and trying to do that the waaaaaaaaaay just like he used to back then on drives chummiis you awaaay instead and just stays that way holding you...... like you try to move again maybe cause you knew nt sure..... you try to move and the waaaaaaaaaaaay he stays that way holding you closer.......

his presence his touch his smell to just live that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of his presence being all cozied up in his arms was that feeeeeeeeeeling thatst ame feeeeeeeeeling you lived loooooooooooved back then......

your safe place safest place the only place where you could feel that THAT level of ultimate sukooon.... like theres no place else no someone else that you would want to touch smell or live but just him......

to just live him that way live that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of being loved by him.....

the way he was holding you felt like he was making up for the nite before that you missedout on living that moment with him.....

pata nai charlie when you see the world to where it is going you sort of feel the love all the more like all those details of your life sort of replay through you.... the moments the people that matter changed you rlife good or bad changed you good or bad.....

like it all sort of plays through making you rerealize what really matters and what doesnt after all......

like you sort of tend to love life more be grateful thankful for the moments you did get to live and also ponder over why it couldnt be you !!

just so you couldve lived him more loved him more donnoooo it sort of keeps popping up the more you sort of stay away from not rethinking that side of life or story but its like when you see this too can be life when nobody must have exected smthing as small as an organism could transform get this drastic never seen or heard before kinda chnage on the planet.... make people rethink about their priorities in life work and who really matter after all..... what really matters afterall !!

maybe you sort of tend to love more when you see smthing or experience smthing like this.....

like you hold onto life and love all the more, knowing thats all you really need or it comes down to afteralll.....

sooo yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!

with things thots like these running through you all the mroe wait for that dose of sleep.....

cause the missing lately again is smthing like never before, you truly never before missed him the way you do wno.....

maybeyou feel this way every single time but this time def different.....

to live that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling to experience that moment of his love be it in the dream bhi means the world to you...... its that peace that level of peace like nothing else could ever even come close to /11

its not smthing you just feel it shows......

the late morning alarm rings you wake up and teh first thing look to the side of ur pillow like you dheere see turn in a way like you knew were that sure he still wold be there..... and you dont find him but that feeeeeeeel of him holding you that feeeeeeeeel of his presence stays with you.....

the first thing your mom says the sec you step out of the room is that you were glowing and sks you how good of a sleep youve had cause you were glowing that much.....

rush back to the room to look at urself it was a glow charlie.... you actually were glowing again that saaaaaaaaaame way like you used to after meeting him..... and this again your yet another dumb question as you look at urself and him watching you looking at urself in his car rearview and ask him how come you glow and go pink that much with him..... him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa his that one nod THAT one nodddd everytime you come up with smthing dumb and yet mused to make him nod and ayyyaaaaaaaa smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee shy smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee awaaaaaaaaay that adooorably !!!!!!!!

smthings you write !!!!!!!!!!!!

and THIS feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That level of sukoon...

some moments nothing less than magic or just the sound of some words its like they just held you and pulled you woooooooooooooosh bolke like as weird crazy strange madness ultimate level of madness it sounds like but the waaaaaay it just felt like he called out for you !!!

few sips down and this mild high state of mind watching eye in sky bloody brilliantttttttt film half way through and that need to usual check up on his playlist and this one trac that he did add up few days back and there was another add up that day tooo the name of the track had your heart sing about me...

story of your life like only if he knewwwwwwwwwwwwwww what those words the title meant t you and how it toooooooootalllly is the storyy of your life !!!!!!!!!!1

singing writing living dreaming looooooooving breathing bout him !!!!!!!!!!!!!

again that feeeeeeeeling that youve been holding back hiding away from writing again cause of the way some other words make you feel and realize......

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa kiiiitttttttttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaa pyaaaaaaaaar honaaaaaaaaaaa tab jaaaake she must have meant that much to him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

was this one thing then you liveeeeeeeee moments again that north pole wali vibe two extreeeemes i say.....

that him you not sure this dream him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he is just thereeeeeeee one dream he disappears and that feeeeeeeeling it leaaaaaaaves ou with cause it was in the middle of the moment and the very next daaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this very sec recallin reliing again itteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee zooooooooooooooooooor seeeeeeeeeeeeeee yaaaaaaaaaaad maaaaaaaaaarrrreeeeeeeee tummmmm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this very same reason holding back your mind from writing out moments !!!!!!!!

this very this very feeeeeeeling that it all overloads you with !!!!!!!!!!!

in this very moment now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moments, visions...

this thing bout moments and how they can make you feel is beyond any reason justification or logic....

be it that moment when your thumb was bleeding to hear him yell at you just like he used to back then..... or the many mornings to just wake up to his smell or find yourself looking around for him.... or to that moment of just watching his hands holding onto your tee like he literally bundles up the corner of your tee in his fist that strongly in his grip making sure he either tears it cause he dint like that color on you or holds it tight enough just soo you dont go away...

or this one pic that one of your fav pages posted chummi wali pic it was one of your most looooooooooooooooooved things to do to his face chummi him when he was least expecting it.... like literally chummiii his face away in that one lil chummi....

everytime he would talk that cute baby talk with his lucky back then like kya hua bombiii kv acha nai daali khaana aaj or when him eating that bar of dairymilk and lucky would just stand there watch him eat and wait for his turn.... the waaaay he would nod away and have that one adoooooooorable llil kid talk with lucky those liil conversations of him having that baby talk with lucky and it always used to make you hold his face away ekdum see and chummmiiii his complete face with that one chummmi and the waaaaaaaaaay he would just stay there still looking at you as you chummi him cause that was the only moment when you actually would have your eyes open in chummi cause that moment was to just live him through themoment.... make the most of that moment make the most of his face in that very moment it was another one of those most looooooooooooooooooooooooooved moments bout him.....

its just smthing charlie that you cant really explain what it can do to you.....

how it can change you !!!!!!!

in waaaaaaaay sit can change you !!!!!!!

so was this moment to just watch him hold onto your tee that way and you just add him back....

still having that self talk as you do so you are just adding him back knowing it all bhi !!

heights of shamelessness it all feels smtimes but nai maloom charlie.....

its not even upto me nai malooom kya karu how do you even get a hold on such situations and the way they make you feel.....

you know its wrong you know this is not how it should be how YOU should be and YET !!!!!!!!!!

maybe its the part when you lose that track of reality and stick with what you felt in that moment....

hitting that send in that mail cause it just gets wrose by the day in bombay and the more news you follow the weirder it gets in your head....

that only wish that one pray before you sleep the only one him to be safe and healthy.....

this kind of situation is smthing none of us were prepared for or could ever imagine smthing like this too could possibly happen.....

and then to not know if he is okay he is safe like the love of your life after all !!!!!

that one person that matters the most in your life and you dont even know !!!!!!!!!

and like always stick with what was your priority and mail him leaving all that shame away abut i swear charlie the after of moments like these of hitting that send button always is the worst feeling ever....

like why do you do that he has people he loves and wants to be with he did make sure what your place was and how he wanted you to be away and YET !!!!!!!!

like do smthing when thats the last thing that the person wants out of you !!

like all of these logics reasoning is one side and the other side of it - Him...

to just know to just do and go with what and how his presence even be it in the dream made you feel like in that very moment - to just be there for him !!

like everything else on one side and what he made you feel like is all that mattered and like always you go with what your priority in life has always been...

This dream....

that one thing that sort of now is all you look forward for the sec you sleep live him in some way....

kaise bhi even for the lilst of time bhi to just live him for a bit soon as you sleep....

this time when you did decide and did delete him for the longest of time ever after knowing he has someone....

like this time it was for real that you did decide never again....

and it did last for over a month or so prolly the longest ever till date and that was till this dream happened....

you still donno what the dream was even bout but then again just the waaaay it made you feel....

that it stayed with you just stayed with you....

even writing it now these flashes of him rushing through you even as you write the dream or words now....

this thing charlie now as you write it still feels confusing dosnt make any sense but in that dream the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it just made you feel his presence him pulling your t shirt closer to him like literally pulling you closer to him as you keep stepping back n away from him.....

some moments you cant just cant define out in words... how or what they made you feel like in that very moment !!

like he was sleeping with his back then usual on tummy sleeping pose of his.....

and you just stand there living his presence making sure you dont go any closer and this brush of wind and the way he slowly turns over and starts to sniff away your presence again exaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaactly what and how your mornings most of the mornings are now like.... sniffing away his presence.... and watching him do that exact same thing was smthing else so much so that it makes you stay there and still watch him....

and the waaaaaaaaay he slowly opens his eyes that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully still battering away his long lashes beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful sleeepy eyes and that one adoooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable smile and before you even make sense the waaaaaaaaay that sameeeeeeeee waaaaaaaaaaaay same tone of his back then karelyyyyyyyy ye color kaikuuu pehnii tuu nai pasand merkuu ye color terpe nai kareelyyyy not this color and still telling you so in that same ambeingadorableandiknowit kid tone of his pulls you closer to him and tries to literally tries to tear that corner part of your tee and still keeps pulling you closer its when you suddenly realize its not all the same anymore.... and you try to move back taking steps away and more you move away the waaaaaaaaaaaay he keeps pulling your tee and you closer to him and tells you math jaaaa pls mathh jaaaaaa and keeps repeating the same thing with his eyes closed he sounded a lil drunk but his eyes that beauuuuuuuuutifully sleepy and a lil high....

like you could sense that in his adooooooorable shy smile it was the post high smile of his.....

still asking you not to leave and the same sec again opens his eyes and sees the tee and goes back  to saying the same thing kaikuuuu ye color pehniii karelyyyy tuuuuuu mathh jaaaaa na.....

to just live him in that moment having lived a similar moment back then where him still sleepy and you just be there cause he wanted to see you first thing soon as he wakes up and you just stand there living that adooooooooooooorably beauty of his and he smells your presence and holds you away by the leg making sure you were closer to him....

that very same vibe of this dream with a different reality.... him trying making you stay closer to him that one tone of his voice that youve known that one face of his that complete vibe of that dream shakes you up and you wake up..... the first thing was to look at what color you were wearing it was this grey tone pink tee not the good tone pink and this also was smthing again back then when you used to wear pink lip color him asking you gettig mad at you for wearing that color cause he dint like it a bit....

fw secs of looking at that tee on you the very next sec wake up change the tee and go back to sleep with that wait in you hoping to stand back to that very place where you could live him again from that very same moment and show him that youve changed your tee.....

it was that restless feeeeling him holding you wanting you to stay in that one tone of his voice that makes you go weak like nothing else could....

actually charlie Him your only strength and your only weakness in life....

it makes you happy like nothing else in the world and also the very same thing that could break you like nothing in the world could !!

Weird lil heart !!

maybe its the weird lil heart sort finding its own way to deal with that much missing or sort of making up for the absence in its own way.....

now as you write this feeeling when it feels even weirder writing your mind out cause as it is feeling him this way living him this way feels that much more weirder after the moment has gone by.....

be it a day or two back that dream of his from the zillion dreams that just does it for you.... or that momnet when you literally could hear him yelling at you like actually hear his voice for real yelling at you in that very moment....

few weeks back before all this happened you were at this store done with fabric sourcing and bags in your hand just bout  to get in the car with one hand at the top edge of the door and before you even could sense what was happening with your thumb out the window closes up and you choke that bad with pain you couldnt even utter a single word and the security guy of that store screams at your driver asking to lower the window immediately with the thumb bleeding you shivering with your thumb worse state possible like you couldnt even look at it neither could say anything and  that very moment right amidst that crying shaking with hand shivering that bad you hear him his voice right then and there zaraaa dekhneeee nai hotaa terko kyaa hai yeeeeee howli !!!!!!

and like everything else always disappears the pain for that second that moment woooosh bolke vanishes and you still shaking look to your side for him..... like his voice his words that close to your ears like he was sitting right there and yelling at you just like he used to....

and that very same sec that one weird thought at that very moment if he wouldve been there and smthing like that wouldve happened kyaaa kartaa thaa ki une driver ku !!

it was a weird thought i know and now that you are writing that moment it feels even weirder.....

how why or what it was even bout despite of knowing the reality now....

just like what you felt moments back when the songs had this weird lonely vibe and that feeeeeeling why lonely now !!!!

you try n ignore cause you know !!!!!

smthings nai charlie how strongly you sense smthings like why or what in those moments you cant really tell or define it out....

it just is the way it is....

all through that day more than the thumb your mind was replaying his voice on loop.... like how did that even happen !!!!!!

maybe it is the heart after all cause its been that THAT loooooooved by him....

its that feeling charlie from that one movie anything happens to you slightest bhi you know you have that one person that would be affected with anything to do with you..... like that one someone in your life who would be affected the most if anything at all happens like littlest of things bhi....

love after all is all bout the details and in the details... the moments you live through days weeks months years its in every lil detail..... you dont have to look for it you just can feel it like you know when you live that lil moment that changes it all for you !!

how or what the logic was never really matters or makes sense !! 

Maybe...

everytime  you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel this THIS much of him there is that thing charlie bout missing thinking of him in waaaaaaays !!!!!!!

like there are a zillion n over versions of the ways you miss him now with years....

again smthing on the similar lines posted on one of ur fav pages that talked bout missing someone over days to weeks to months and just bout that.... to you it now is bout months to years now and with the kind of time its now over a zillion ways you feel miss live him....

and when it comes to music His music it just takes it  to another level altogether...

pretty close to what and how you used to feel with his presence...

just bout close !!!!

mind sort of drifts away from everything else every bit of anything else on your mind with work tension quarantine weird vibe n all of that running through with that why get it tilll that close and get the professor to be exposed by that psycho cop....  its like different channels running on your mind and there comes that one sound out of nowhere after THAT long wait of stalking his channel almost every hour now find these few songs that he adds to the list.....

that sight literally makes you turn off the tv that very sec runnnnnnnn to your room  to your corner near the window turn the lights off water by your side lay on the floor feet up and just let the sound of his music work the magic.....

its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the mind all of you almost floating off the ground like theres nothing around and yet everything in you that beauuuuuutifully tranformed just with that one humm of his sound...

of his music that is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SMTHINGS you write and that very instance this ONEEEEEEEEE feeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

his sound !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooo yeahhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!

its like what and how you used to feel his presence the way it used to make you feel like nothing around nothing above nothing at all it sjust him and the waaaaaaaaaay it used to you leave you transformed..... sec after sec bit by bit !!

almost like your wings tucked away inside and the waaaaaay just the sight of him standing there frst at the door and the waaaaaaay he would take a few steps back n lil away from you and then watch you from there.....

it was like he could almost sense that transformation happening inside of you that he would love watching it from a distance.....

wings being tucked away inside slowly that beautifully slow pop out goosebumps on your skin mind drifting away from everything else like you cant see a thing feel a thing sense a thing but just Him.....

like literally all  you could see feel smell live looooooooooooooove adooooooooooooore was him standing there that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his presence and this thing now the more you write now bout that one moment this need to stop writing and at the very same time just this feeeeeeeeeling it gives now this very moment the more times you write just the word - that one presence of his !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was you setting the real version of you free in and with his presence....

like the only thing only someone that brings out the real you Him and his music.....

maybe with his absence now for all this while its almost like the music does smthing very cloooooooose to what and how his presence used to make you feel like.....

almost bringing out that slightest bit of the real you - with his sound...!

H Sound of music...

after ageeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees !!!!

you know charlie smthings may seem that very lil and at the same time can mean more than the world to you !!!!!!!!

thats what and how its always been with and bout His sound of music...

just does smthing you donno what or how but just does smthing !!

this set of songs that he likes most of them mixed feelings lyrics wise but mostly chill vibes.....

and for the first time when you dont really get the lyrics part of it but this one set the title of it and just does it for you !!

i think bout you when it rains...!

two sets down and that one rush need  to just be out on your own and you head out for a walk.....

felt this way after a very VERY long time.....

and thats when you know His music like always waaaaaaaaaaaaay more than JUST music !!

waaaaaaaaay more !!!!!!!!!