SleptWorkout!!

 The mood today was a sleepy workout half slept thing cause some dreams that sort of stay with you even after the waking up!!!!!!

That total zoned out lazed our vibe that beauuuuutifulky chill that even through the struggling reps you were that THAT him high!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaa that one face eyes nose lips cheeks daaaaaadi has my poooora ka pooooora heart right there glued on!!!!!!!

That one face in the world like no other!!!!!!

The waaaaaay he just smileeees awaaaay that one shy smile of his especially when he notices you literally drooling over him over a stare like this morning and that one smileeeeeeeeees heart life right there !!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeee you were missed and HOW!!!!!!!

Him high sleptworkout kinda day!!!!!! But eventually got it done!!!!!

Transitions…!

 The before and the after!!!!!

Like it shouldn’t matter even but the waaaay some feeeels I tell you no logic and beyond you…

It’s not like meets you in Hyderabad and then left for Bombay but ayyyaaaaaa just this one feeeeel it suddenly filled you up to just know the chipman back in the bay last night!!!!!

Manager stays over with some issue with her car and her drunk fone right there before you and that one feeeel every single Time you see the most loved circle hit it and back in bambai with rains……visuals SOME visuals and mixed feeeels be it just the sound of Bombay and the same Versova trip or to just know he isn’t in Hyderabad now……

To just the way he in a way filled that missed feeeeling up with today’s dream and HOW!!!!!!

Workout lost mind mixed feeeels and take a selfie with this filter you are loving for post workout and the waay it just shows the transition of the kind over your face…

Smile Kare toh bhi nikla nai!!!!!!whoo andar wali feeels I tell you!!!!

On a side note this new thing you are actually liking post workout journaling thing!!!!!

THE transition…

Ze mind!!!!!!!

 Smiling awaaay through reps this one state of mind anything him lands you up in!!!!!!!

Just this speeedest level of rush of him to the waaaaays he only makes it that beautifully worse escalates it away with every morning to another level only I say…..

A morning like this a state of happy him high mind like this one saving it away!!!!! Sweaty but happy how!!!!!!

The mind all these feeeeeeeeels THIS rush!!!!!!

Usual mode screaming away through reps today’s mode smiiilimg away through each rep!

Come alive...!

 There is something that passionate wild free bout drives.....not the regular one but the one into the woods forest like places.....

It's like it just sets you free sets your soul free to just fly away feeel it all away....

The very first time prolly on such longndrive when you move out almost half of you out of the window to feel the tall trees under view and the way he says that very night that he transforms you somehow.....

There is that you that would come out with and in his presence.....it's the way him just looking at you bhi used to set you free...

It's that sense of belonging andbyet feeling that sense of you can set yourself free in the same space......

Like he added something to you with his presence with nust the way he was with his love for you it's like his love did transform you away......

Evry single time when missing him the most like this this need to do something be at something that makes you feel even closest to that one feel.....and ever since after him it's that feeeel closest to is being under huge trees like initially it was your love for that vibe now it's more like to live him live his misseeing more to just fill up that misseeing a lil by being under there.....cause the way it always brings back those moments of drives with him!!!!!

That one love of your life to live him awaaaaay and for hours together....

To lvingn the versions of drives!!!!!

Mind again where to where it's going!!!!!!!

That you with him just that different it's when somebody feels like an extension of you, adds that something to you that nobody else prolly can...!

All feeeels!!!!!!

 All this while there has been that wait some song some music he might like save that could make all this better for you and make you feel otherwise just like his dreams do.....just so you can connect the dream him to the real him andbfeeel less of a lunatic.....

This beautiful confusion this morning after the waaaaay you wake up with that much him all over you not just in your mind...... like you were still are all him cause there' was that much him this morning.....like struggle to think straight today a lil bit of work and that need to just head over to prashasan nagar like uts been one of your most loved places specially when it's raining .....there are these newly done up connected roads at the prashasan place that feeeeels like those drives with him....

Itvwas raining that beauuuutifully today and finally play out loud his lucky Ali in the car that def shocked Venky!!!!

As you keep asking to turn up the volume as you turn other side of the car with your face at the back looking at the rains through the back view glass.....singing along like it in a way felt like from keeping your mind off from feeeeling him too much after seeing something to just going with the feeeeeels andvtaking it all again to just not be your mind after all.......

And making up fr0 the lost lucky Ali days and playing it out loud with the rains and the roads looking that beautiful!!!!!

This love for drives cause they bring him along every single time.....even as you were living that beauty of the rains iver the glass the waaaay all youcouod seee feeeel awaaay was him.....hisbface his smiles his that one nod knowing now you were poora lost in him!!!!!!

Times like these and you miss knowing how to drive the most!!!!!

If only you could just atke off and go find all his places he used to take you to first chummi place the THE opera the Orr route like evry corn3r of Evey place of his to be just with his music playing!!!!!!!!

Prolly the only time you miss knowing how to drive!;!!!!

The second you mention these places like with evry place thatvone glimpse and version of him ayyaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeee you sexy lil big adooooiirable thing how only you wr4e kissed abhiiii k abhiiii!!!!!

When missed becom3s auto correct kissed and you still let it be as it is cause that's how it's feeeeeeli ng like !!!!!!!!!

Most beautiful irony!!!!

 The most beautiful irony of the day of the start to the day was he had left the switch on forbyou and HOW!!!!!!

Tried working out but the way the mind was feeeeeling away things and akele akele giggle away through the workout with that inside talk mode oh yeaaah so you are a woman again this morning......like all that rush of him mind body soul playing around that lil game where the outside you struggles to keep up with cause this one face when it comes to anything him becomes that much more evident with almost a glow sign board where anybody can oracticcaly read out what's on your mind.....

Soon after a while manager walks in with these fabric samples and heads to the kitchen for breakfast her fone right there and runnnnnn to the washroom with it and I swear charlie that one moment was that in sync like made for you kinda vibe to that moment.....

All this while stopped watching his stories after the hiroshima factor for abfew days or week it was but ever since this serieß of dreams n waking up strikes back harder thatvone wait for him to post and doesn't happen for the longest time....finally today that most beloved circle around and his words !!!!!!!

First one a cuteeeee curled up cat picture in a snooze mode and him with entertain what the weather demands ohhh if only you knew that one loud scream inside cause the second you read it the morning moments rush through you and the second one with plants and that one line shut your mind and feel it.....

There it was , letting yourself to feeeeeeel away all of him and HOW!!!!!!

it was like his words literally spoke to you like you answer away the confusion inside of you.....to just leave the otehreise thinking aside and to just feeeeeeeeeeel Him away!!!!!!!!

Him!!!!!

 It's like being a woman feeling like one used to come with him!!!!!!

Where to where again it went!!!!!!

Soooo yahhhh!!!!!!

From that memory recall to mind being already lost come home in the lift and this one kid leans over you from his mom's shoulder with hair in your face almost andbyou just touch the hair and that one loud sound of chuckle the kid makes mind was already that fulllll of him and you just had to feel that moment again......try to set the waves on his hair and that even louder chuckle as you do so.....like that excited the kid gets your floor 7 and you instead go till the 10th of his floor.....just cause that moemnt sort of filled up something away in your mind....cause all you could still see was him in your mind... Him definitely most adooooorable than any other kid ever but in that moment charlie there was that need to just feel 5hat moment shared with Him......

Come back home and that one state of mind lost LOST in all him!!!!!!

To this dream this morning the way he keeps holding your face and turning towards him and says something again something cause you can't write out that stuff.....

It was a dream that felt like a continuation of the versova meet and wait......that wait inside both of you!!!!!!

The way he made sure to make you feel that way like it was a continuation to the way he keeps pulling your face closer to him with your hair again just as he used to back then.....like in a way tryingbto live you your presence......

Waking up looking for him still smelling him around cause youd felt awaaaaaay that much of him in the morning.....in your way put the last night's selfie even the wrong angle one cause again all bout the feeeeels......

Being a woman...!

 He is your first and only love ever.....but it's not just bout that!!!!!

The waaaaay it's always been with him right from the start very start when you weren't even expecting love in your life...cause it was all set for you to be there lose weight and get married to a stranger.....

Life had other plans and can never thank enough for whoever up above for that change of plan...

He happened and HOW!!!!!

Like that one brush of the most beauuuuuuuutiful wind of your life he just walked into your life....where physical closeness or even passing by of a man leftbyou shaky with fear.....there was him walking every step closer to you and the waaaay you felt for the first time that first feeeeel to just stand there allow yourself to be closer to him.....waiting for him to come close...and that need to just live him away even with his face down...

Like not move an inch to just be there and stare away for the first time.....only after he comes close looks up at you do you realise you were lost in him....

From that moemnt to evry moemnt of being around him the way there always that sense of being close to him like you just felt that pull that sense of belonging from the inside like you don't know why or what just feel it...

Soon after realising it's love there's always been him just him......tried 2-3 baar few years back to divert the mind away wit just friends bhi after he mentioned he had moved on but it's just that blank empty feeling charlie can't feel a thing nothing at all!!!!!

And there's him there is that sense of knowing in your gut that's where you belong.....it's like lilst thing of him t9 do with him makes you come alive makes you feel like a woman again......awakened and HOW!!!!!!!

Its the way the mind feels the body feels the soul talks the way the hands fingers feel that tingle used to feel that tingle that urge to touch him hold him that pull in your body feeeeling and acting all magnetic being pulled away towards him eyes lost in every single detail of his like it used to make you wanna seee evry bit of him.....not look away even for a second nothing ever caught your eyes the way he did no one ever caught your heart the way he did.....

It's the waaaaay it all starts with him eyes living his details while your body transforms away inside out......all by pehle his presence now anything to do with him......that one feeeeeel of being transformed away!!!!!!

Merku whoo andaaar se he nai hua charlie like that feeeeel who nai you want to be there wantvto take that next step like you know want something nai hua......it's like he stamped away his place in you.....

And nothing could possibly take that away after being stamped away by him.....his mark in you!!!!!!

And he could just walk in and make you feeeeeeo away a GAZZILLLION of feeeeeels just by walking in!!!!!!!

Just his presence and the waaaaaaaays it changes you transforms you into something else, most you you'd ever been!!!!!!

Like all of you evry cell in you coming alive just by his presence!!!!!!!!

THIS mind!!!!!!

 THIS mind now!!!!!!!

When you just knowswwsswws it's gone to that level ofmisseing now where you can barely type and get the right words out!!!!!!

That one wait and yet that constant stare like he wanted to and again doesn't......tying your hair in his washroom comes stands beside hisbface over your shoulder looks into the mirror ahead and in ishaara says perfect together in ishaara.....

The way he holds onto your hand with one hand and with the other opens the door and then waves saying a bye with his other hand still holding your hand....only after you look at it that one look in the eye and you ask him to drop your bahar tak comes along initially comes close to you like he was just bout to make you hold his hand whilst walking like he used to then moves a lil away.....

Cross the road and you tell him with that one excitement there's no auto only and wait again still looking at him with that one filmy scream he just might rukjaaaa!!!!

Like mind constant inside any moemnt he just might and there it was the auto him still looking at you and you finally hadbto get in....turn around through that lil auto window see him still standing there turned towards you like he was waiting for you to turn and there you were living him n his sexy khaki chaddi legs through the window....

Some visuals again......

On your way back text him saying you were missing him already and not expecting a reply and then suddenly he does text backwith a me too.....

After that there was none..

Like that day you were somehow sure bhi he won't meet again but the waaaay the heart was in the way of the mind.....nai nai he will for sure he will!!!!

Closer!!!!!

 Like from that moennt on to another level!!!!!!

It's just the way he was that day like for the first time post bup not hiding away what and how exactly he felt fr you.....cause you did meet him earlier too but there always wssvthat feeel of him holding back like making sure to keep that distance on a mind level if not the physical level part of it.....like he would be close and yet with thatvsense of being distant before that!!!!

But that day it all was just that different like it used to be back then but that bit more closer this time...

Even remember dropping his Ash tray with ashes over his choclate brown rug thing and as you try to clean it the way he keeps asking you to come back to him and just leave it as it is and that one time tells you ab tu aur kharab karti maloom merku and you loking at him cleaning the Ash andbthen look back at the rug and one look bact at him and just like he thought n said you did make the stain worse by spreading it all the more and you just be there ask him ab kya karu and that same opening his arms wide open and that one runnnn to him the waaaay it lifts you away andbthat same throw over the couch again.....it wasn't just bout him calling you back or random it's just that need to be closest to you like you could feel it in the way he would not just wouldn't let you move an inch away bhi....and you even tell him once looks you really did miss me and again without a word holds you even tighter......to asking him if he had to leave at 4 like he did mention earlier and that one nod and just starts to feel your face away just the waaaaaaay the waaaaaay he was looking at you evry lil detail of you asking you bout the moles on your face n neck saying he didn't see that one before howcome he never saw this and that.....

It was more like that being the first time ever that close to him like taking the time out and away to just live each other's details cause all that while it was you on the drives longest drives for hours lvingn him away he never got the chance to that way with lights on being in a space with just you and him not having to worry about his sister coming in or any knocks.....

And he was making the most of it and HOW!!!!!!!

It just was in the air that day......when your fone rings and he tightens the grip around your waist andbyou leave it at cause with him somehow never answered or check your fone it's always been that way.....

Another ring again andbthe way he just hides away in you with that nod cause you both knew it was time for you to leave as it was evening by then rings again and the waaaaaay he kept getting closer hiding away in you and not letting you move to finall6 tells you to take the call and y9u nod saying a no and he insists nai acha lagta take it .....answrt it was your mom asking whereabouts and stuff talk and hangup and that one look at him and that one nod of his charlie ayyayaaaaaaaaaaaa mera poooooora ka poioooooora heart hai uneeee for life i say!!!!!!!

That one nod of his and you tell him it's late and holds your hand pulls you to him.....few mins that whisper.....

There was this one time charlie......where he was rolling another one away and you tell him all excited me too will do again and that one strict sexy nod of his saying in that same ambeingsexyandiknowit tone of his voice Ghar nai jati ek aur bar Lee tho....and just by your excited face hearing that nods back again and skips having it too.....

There was that wait cahrlie that wait for him to just ask you to stay back like till theblast second stepping out or that walk till the auto there was that constant wait abhi rokle ab rokta ab pakka he will stop.....like you just wanted to stay with him that day not let the moment day feeeels go by to just go by with how and what you were feeeeling away for the first time......to just be with him!!!!!!!!!!

Something's some moemnts you recall relive and write out this mind now!!!!!!!!!

Chipppppppyyyy!!!!!!!! How only!!!!!!!!;

Back to versova!!!!

 All that while till that meet there were versions of being with him loving him in a way touch feels evrything was a lil different to post that meet.....

Cause of a certain moment the way it did bring you closer to him.....in a way that youd never felt before !!!!! Another one of your firsts again where things you aren't supposed to write but this mind just wants to fly awaaaaay floooaaat away today and there's hoepfullu no stopping it today just cause the waaaaaaay it feels like!!!!!!

It's that thing charlie right from that first second you see him like he plays around with you with his stares his distance his constant that kinda ammeltingyouawayatdistance and I know it smile of his.......like you know just plays a tease for a bit initially and how he loved doing that it's that line of undressing to being as you are kinda vibe of difference...that one line!!!!!!

Initially with that distant stare smile of his to coming a lil more closer to again going back to his couch and just looking at you and that one strong pull youbcould feeel away in that stare of his and go closer kneel down close to him near his knee and just play with his hair and the way he comes a lil more closer like allowing you to do so and you make these Johnny Bravo waves over his hair and the way as you do he keeps bringing his face close to your hand with that one girgeouuusssssly sexy shy smile of his and inky after you are done with that wave the way he messes it up and brings his face more closer just so you could do it again......does a few times and that one sudden lean over at the back and spreads his arms wide open and that one pull that one melt awaaaay moennt in his arms and second you hold him the waaay he says it that very second with that first tear in your eye ab tu Rona shurur karti nai......there was you on the other side with that finnnaaaaallky in his arms feeeeeel and crying your heart out with that level of happiness and even without a sound or anything he just knew you were......and the way he holds you tighter asvyiu don't say a word and same way falls back over the couch still holding you......

Some moemnts you recall and relive now as you write THAT one feeeeeeeeeeeeel!!!!!!!!

Wrapped away in his arms and HOW!!!!!!!

Longest youve ever been without holding him!!!!!!!!!

RUSHES!!!!!!

 It's this beauuuuutiful rush of all him!!!!!!

Like even writing it now you can just feeeeeeeel it!!!!!!

THIS much rush!!!!!!!!

It all started with the yesterday versova meet recall cause strangeky you were reliving trippin on the lilst details like you could relive the ones you haven't in a longtime.....like those details coming alive cause you were that into the meet recall post that jumper visual magic that happened yesterday......only after a while there was that hitting over the restlessness level cause the misseeeing klgetting worse you got no control over and you just knew the after feeels of it would be all the more difficult to be dealt with!!!!!

And you leave it half way through and the waaaaaaay he just comes running and how!!!!!!

Charlieee Him i tell you like literally speaks to your soul away exactly where the convo leaves your mind at it's like the calling......like he is just there and filling up away all that misseeing rushing through yuv with his words and actions......

This morning that rush of him to that one line one story that as crazy lunatic as this sounds it litereeerally felt like it was for you there said it.....still feeling foolish but don't care never did cause something's nai you just cantttttttt help it and just feeeeel feeeeeeeeelin away just like he said it!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!

 There are days and then there is this one day like this one that sort of changes it all for you and HOW!!!!!

A day that you know in your gut how and what it made you feel like!!!!!

Be it his dream this morning his talks andnwhsipers this morning to that one touch of his to that one story of his...

Your day your mind evrything inside outside you that beauuuutifully transformed yet again like always...

All itvtakes is that one touch of Him like always, and wooooooop bolke you the you never the same again...like it literally just shows that evident on your face that you can't hide or run away from!!!!!!!

This day today this mind n you today and ayyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaa that one n ONLY him on the face of this planet i say!!!!!!!

Days like these!!!!!

 Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this mind I tell you matlab crossed all levels of height waleee missinngs!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you one gorgeous lil sexy big thing how onlyyyyyyyy you are being missed awaaaay I say!!!!!!!!!

VERSOVAA!!!!!!!!

 That feeel of his knit that touch of his skin hair over his hands his face his beauuuuuuuutiful lil details and every time you keep feeling living his details with your hand the waaaay that one smile that one stare constant with his music playing......

The way he keeps saying I missed you in ways morebthan one....to you drop8ng his Ash tray and him with that adooorabke sound of his chuckle saying you haven't changed a bit exactly same clumosy as you were before.....

Ur direction issues not knowing roads n places your tone of voice change in tone of voice things can make you happiest or just your lousy clumosy habits of dropping the most safest of placed things like that's your ultimate skill....and years after he still did remeber that and also shows you he did.....like he would joke bout in a way and then stop suddenly stare away like telling you without words how he still did remember that also bout you!!!!!

It's when you don't need a word of love and just know that's how much love you already have!!!!!!

It's that feeeeeling that day charlie more than anything else of a finally back again of finally finding something you most loved in your life.....of finding his love back again finding him back again !!!!!!!

Like that feeeeeeel of finally that close!!!!!!!

It's just feeeeeeeeeling all weird now messy in a beautiful way but weird in the most ironic of ways.......

Just reliving it in details now!!!!!!!!

It's always been Him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If he only knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Versova now the state of mind lost count on!!!!!

 He was right there all of him you wanting to do so much and there he was to just want to be there that way with you with just your hand over him and a moment later the waaaaaay he just turns toward you and holds you away by your tummy!!!!!

It was that same feeeel same missing of comfort for him to just be that way the way he used to back on your terrace meets.....to just hold him comfort him that way he loved initially that is......

It's these feeeels charlie of everything first time in your life body mind soul life wise too was with him...

Evry lilst to biggest of things to even learning him teaching a few!!!!!

That day too was a few of them to then just be his usual self of wrestling away dropping you over the couch to just talking bout his work and evry time beech beech mein holding you closer cause you kept slipping down n off the couch and he finally literally lifts you up still laying beside you and puts you on the wall side of the couch just so you don't slip and that same hammmi sound of his after doing so and tells you ab nai girti aur mein more comfortable.....cause all he wanted was you closest to him.....not an inch away even be it trying to get thebottle of water bhi to just be there with him closest!!!!!

This writing today and this feeeeeeeeling it totoooooaaaalllly is filling you away with !!!!!!

Versova 4!!!!!

 He knew you your details your silence your loud screams to anything to everything lilst details which nobody including your mom never did...

Like these were something you never had to tell him verbally he would just know it!!!!!

That day that moment too like that one stare that one sound n tone of his voice as he looks at you and syas it this very clear...just that lil hint of smile low tone sexy voice of his and he says it with a wider smile that follows after saying it!!!!!!

And that sudden rush soon as you live that moemnt live that stare n sound of his!!!!!!

Like ekdum seeee everything inside you speeeeds up and how!!!!!!!

Don't say a word just some nod and in ishaara asks you to sit on the other couch.....it just was the most beauuuuuuuutiful feeeeling you'd experienced for the first time...

There was the queitness no sound nothing no touch nothing and yet that one rush on the inside like he could sense it away even with the distance.....that one smile constant that one stare constant and you keep looking yaha waha and he starts to play some music with working on making his psy beedi and asks you for the same andbyou just nod away saying how never did after him...

To just live him that day charlie his lilst details his sound of voice stares his touch his closeness him standing at the kicthen getting Maggie and looking you from there itvwas just magical beyond words.....like the whole meeet in itself one trip!!!!!!

Cause you were that beauuuuuutifully high on him high on his love on evrything him!!!!!!

That first moemnt of living him througbthe smoke that first moment when he finally comes close and lays over on your lap with that sound of sigh......to just touch him feel his hair feeel his face his cheeks his face and as you just move your hand over the cheeks missing his lips the way he brings it closer and chummies away your hand dheere se.....

And in a way takes it over his face and turns to the side to find that comfort spot to just be for a moment....

That one feeeeeeel charlie after missing him that much to feeeeel live all of him away right there on your lap like your world right there infront of you to just hold him away chummiii his poooora face away him awaaaaay and yet let him live his moemnt cause he even shuts his eye for a bit with your hand still over his other side of the face!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you were missed maaaaannnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!  

Versova 3!!!!!

 That same no word and toooo many feeels feeeling away moment with him same as the stadium meet.....

A lil later dheere se whispers away coming a lil closer to your ear andar chale.....

Some visuals still this clear this very clear him holding the door standing inside and that one constant stare looking at you waiting for your reaction or just living you away...and you look around ceiling corners of his living space low coffee table with his laptop and his psy beedi ka saaman still there his fridge with lil god things around some Beatles stuff around on display...all that while beech beech mein asking him away a zillion things bout stuff in his place and the way he just smiles away all through without answering for a single one and that one mention you still loud talk when nervous nai!!!!!! And just sits over the couch still looking you in tbe eye...

The only person in the world who knew you that well the way he did...

Daaaaaaaamn something's you write and relive exactly why you stay away from writing sometimes.......

This THIS what and how you feeeeeeling recalling reliving things n moments!!!!!!

Why with a love like that one of all the loves in the world...!

And the very same person asking you in the chat the other day in all these years I was the only best thing that happened to you and you left your life go by!!!!!!!

What do you even reply to that !!!!!!!!!!!

You were missed chippy, chipmunk, chipman, very very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Versova 2!!!!!

 Soooooo yaaaah!!!!!!

Sound of his voice!!!!!!

As you turn that one face charlie i swear nothing no one can come close to even the waaaaaay that one presence makes you feel inside out!!!!!

U def are prolly the biggest fan of anything him!!!!!!!

It's just the waaaaaaay him anything to do with him always made you feel like.....like you even remember him telling you back then itself talking bout how his sister used to copy his lilst of details anything him even her email account or some user name same as his.....and he always thought if some girl in his life would ever do the same for him like love him that much to do something as lil as that just the way he was......and that day noticing you doing something just as him made him feeel that away....how you had started to copy his lilst things away and without you even intentionally doing so.....like just living him that love for all of him and it's just as simple as that you just become someone you love...in the most beautiful way possible!!!!!

Be it his lil stretches whilst watching some movie and you were doing the exact same thing his way of standing in the lift or when waiting somehwre his way of walking talking his accent almost every lil detail yu were living was becoming you....

Again from where to where only it went.........!

Sooo yah just his presence charlie turn around him looking his beauuuuuuuutiful coziiiiest best in that jumper with beige almost khaki tone chaddis never before did you ever seen him in anything like that and who hota nai charlie some fabrics especially the knits on him it's like the sec you see and that neeeeeed urgency to hug him away cause that's howwwwww cozy beauuuutiful he looked in that with that one adooooooorable expression of big smile on his face...... That need to live that moennt for a bit longer look back at the beach view and he comes a lil more closer next to you living away that moennt with you.....to think of it now he does the same stadium moment thing with you...

Just to be close to you and live that moemnt away with you to feeeeeeeel his orsence to live that rush of love and everything more for him with him right beside you to that beach view another one of your most loved moments with him!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeee you gorgeous lil big adooooooorable thing how only you were missed writing writing in this very moment here!!!!!;

If only you ever knew!!!¡!!!

Versova!!!!!

 Some memories can never just get over!!!!!

Versova was that one meet no matter how many times you write it out live it out feel it out the waaaaaaaays it just makes you feeeel away every single time......

It was the longest time you'd been with him just you n him that way for the first time ever.....also cause that also was the day you felt lived that love of his for you after the bup for the first time...and HOW!!!!!!!

right from that moemnt when he texts you if you can meet in the noon where you were just out for something with your aunt that day and you rush away to this corner just so can hide away your face and that rush of him rushing through you like always.....and that ofc fataaaak yes that comes along and you even mention being in Ghar ka clothes and didn't want to waste away the time changing back or something and he mentions come as it is.....gives you instructions over messages cause there was no WhatsApp back then....multiple messages his usual way of telling you the directions cause that's how well he knew bout your geographical skills....lilst left right stuff minute landmarks and also asking you to keep a straight face like you knew the roads before the auto wala on your way there.....

Right outside his apartment that vieeeww of the beach also cause you needed that min to calm yourself down just before meeting him cause that one rush charlie THAT one rush mins before seeing him has always been there right from the start even if be it back then seeing him every single day mins before seeing him that one rush constant!!!!!

It's that heiiiights of Khushi for him to just see him live him was always there!!!!!

That day too and ask him to come out for a min and that one voice one sound of him saying his usual signature style even as you write now that one echooo of his voice that very moment se that you can still hear.....whaatsaaap!!!!!

There is that sense of biggest smile evry single time he would say it away some moemnts you write and thus sudden realisation of yeaaaaars it's been!!!!!!

That long, very very long !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's this sudden feeeeeel this very moemnt that realisation left you with.....ekdum se!!!!!!

just days like these...

 Right from the very start that one glimpse of him the waaaaaaaaaaay he just came thus morning the state of mind you already were in to that mail of a pop up exhibition in Bombay to that call for the same....like the second anywhere for any reason the sound of Bombay versova the waaaaays it just brings him along and HOW!!!!!!

Just that wooosh woooosh bolke visuals it plays on loop that clear every bit of him sound of him chuckle of him stare and state of him like just a sound of Bombay and the mind just like that transformed....

From something him to all of him away woooooosh bolke!!!!!!

A lil bit of work and somehow mind just wasn't feeling it and take the day off also cause you had to pick a few things and head over to srujana mall......on the way this feeeeel also cause it was a long drive the weather the feeeels and the him be it from this morning or just that sound of the word Bombay.....and this one suv right beside speeds away with just one hand that comes out of the video hand wearing that same beige cream tone jumper knit kinda thing that he had on in that versova meet at his place that you looooooooived on him like the person just adjusts the sleeve away and let's the hand be over the window pane...

Like who even doest that logically speaking like get the hand out literally in the middle of the jam adjust the sleeve and let the hand be that way.....like it literally was look am here kinda vibe of sign...

That very sight and the very same sec seeee that rushhhhhh of him rushing all through you just like it happens with that red n blue striped t shirt of his spotting it anywhere and thus weird beautiful thing your hand fingers start to feeel away.....

Today that one visual too just that bit more cause of the zillionoments througbthe day of feeeeling him away in that similar jumper of his......

Moments in love...!

 Heart mind and soul at peace...

Cause you are just, happy...!

Some moments some visuals in life are just beyond you!!!!!!

Him = Vibe...

 The whole vibe!!!!!!

He has always been this one complete vibe of his own......there's something that beauuutiful special different distinct thing bout his presence bout all of him anything to everything him like a vibe of his own only......

Same exact same feels this one dream like you could relive it all away after years for the first time after this longest of gap.....

His touch that feel of him reassuring his love for you that touch that holding your hand slowly tightening the grip taking your arm closer to his chest his face his smiles his stare that one gaze lookingnyiu in the eye trying to make you realise he was taking you to some place you loved......to just the way he was holding you away his touch charlie his chummi eveyryhjnf just the way he was like it all had that vibe after very long.....

Even as you write the way you keep losing thatvsense of reality and forget it's a dream.....cause that's how real the dream HE felt in the dream that real...... like you could feel him his orsence his voice sound of him singing his lips moving saying something to finally saying it.....

This one dream and this you now it's left with!!!!!!

Kya hai yeeee charlie!!!!!!!!

Like howwwwwew!!!!!!!!!!!

leap of faith 2!

 To think of it now it was just a dream charlie......but there was something bout it something bout him the way his d Grip over your hand felt tighter the way he keeps taking holding your hand closer to him to his chest every few steps like there was that gaze constant stare lookingnyiu in the eye that felt that reassuring you like it was making you feel something making you feel his love for you that strong.....the way his tone of voice as he nods with a straight face looking you in the eye and asks you not to stop.....like he was that serious when he asks you not to stop and holds your hand again close to his chest and pulls you closer.....

It just felt that different soon there the way he takes you to the corner and you sit or something and he comes to your knee hisbface over your knee and says something again the way him saying goes mute like you see him touch him he is right there face over your knee holding you closer to him his another way of sitting with you back then at his place..... holding you by your calf pulling you closer to him and lays his head over your knee still holding all of you away......

Like he goes on saying something beech beech mein chumming away your knee bit it's all mute like you just can't hear but the way it doesn't surprise you or something cause you were just that lost in living him his beauuuuuuuutiful details away.....looking around and recalling the place the moments with him and that one second when you finally hear him and he says happy now i always told you howli!!!!!

And holds you even closer again it wasbjust that vibe charlie as writing it now again feeels weird but just had to write it out......it was that feeeling that vibe of finding his love back again...!

The way he mentions bout happy now or i always told you like all this while you dreaming living him in moments was him telling you the same!!!!!!

Something's you feeeeeel and then write now and re read as you write thodaa poora pagal type lagta but it's the way it is......

Why what how never made any sense !!!!!!

But this one dream was beyond logics and any reason possible.....was SOMETHING ELSE ONLY!!!!;!!!!

Leap of faith...!

 Mind had been feeling strange lately.....

It's that sudden shift of something inside you and the way it makes you rethink away evrything and that one sudden realisation last week ever since you started writing him out he stopped meeting you.....it was the strangest realisation that hits you suddenly maybe cause these few months guru purnima and this month the way it takes you back to that meet at his other place.....with that ting bolke realisation lil did you know tab this is how it'll be like to go without seeing him!!!!!!

And right amidst everything thus other realisation hits you!!!! Donno why or how and it also all the more makes you stay away from writing hoping something!!!!!

It's this thing bout heart and love charlie it can make you do the craziest of things in the world without logic or reasoning which you definitely wouldn't do otherwise for nothing at all!!!!!!

That's how are the ways of love i suppose.....

So yeah back to the dream, it now feels like one run but the way in the dream it felt like the longest prolly all these years of running i suppose the way it felt like all of night him holding your hand running along keeps loking at you with that one smile glued on him same like he used to when he would ask you not to get off his lap on those drives and just smile awaaaaay that one smile of his like make you lay that way over his lap and tell you I'll let you know when we are there....

Like he was taking you somewhere you love and mostly it always used to be opera....

That one same smile of his ij the dream too as he runs along keeps loking at you with that one ditooo smile of his...

And you look around and there were these wall like structures all around in grey tones with white lil star like dots over them.....that same staircase that same cement corner and you suddenly realise it was your terrace .....

Like in the dream your mind the whole vibe of it was your terrace that same conder of his and yours and you ask him how are we going to the other side cause the watchman wokdnt allow and the waaaaay he nods away with that one smile of his andbtakes you to the corner.....like he knew it was just you and him there it ust felt very different.....

Like in your mind there were these questions doubts how did you get there without the lift without seeing the apartment in your way or the watchman stoping and him being just him nodiding away like he knew he was there with you and it was a dream.....like then you didn't feel that way but after the waking up and reliving the moments from the dream his expressions his face his smileeeeeees his nods like he knew it was a dream but he was there to reassure you make you feel realise his love for you!!!!!

Something's you write and this sudden feeeeeel ekdum seeee!!!!!!!

The run...!

 Just donno where or how to even start!!!!!!

It's been one lost trip like it all was coming back to you and how dreams just felt like it was all your mind.....

Who hota nai charlie like suddenly it all feels different in a not so good way like it doesn't make any sense and ekdumm see you are lost!!!!

There have been dreams all this while all these years but the way this one today just felt that different something like you haven't felt before cause he was making you feel that way assuring you reassuring you even writing it now somehow feels a lil foolish but what and how it made you feel is all that mattered today!!!!!

Cause he was there literally there and H9W!!!!!!

Donno how it started but again in the woods not with the talk trees this time there were these fences all around and you look around trying to find an opening to the fence just so you could make your way out of it....and you don't find it look a lil more a lil farther butall you see are fences all around.....and this one hand on your shoulder and that feeeeeeeel like the second you feel that touch that same urgency to sniff away his presence and there he was....the second you realise it's him that one slow humm of a song that he starts to sing as you trun around him in his full glory of his full grown daaaadi navy blue shirt white chaddis looking his beauuuuuuuutiful best!!!!!!

Still singing away like you could see his lips moving singing but couldn't really understand which track it was and your mind eyes glued on his lips this time for another reason trying to make sense of which song it was he was humming away......just with that smile of his in ishaara asks you to come along...

Just holds the last finger of your hand with small steps initially and then turns around looks at you with that ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaa heart all of you melting away smile of his takes a few quicker steps and then slow run holding your poora hand this time and before you know or realise you were out of that fence like it was all fields around stil runing along with him donno what or why you just stop for a second and the waaaay he holds you away from the waist and tells you with that one nod of his don't stop now......nods away and holds you closer and a moemnt holds back your hand and continue wit that run......

Some moemnts you relive that one moment like that one second when he nods his signature nod and asks you not to stop the waaaaaay it just hit you in that moennt charlie was different!!!!!!!

Like lil did you know what was ahead of you!!!!!!!

From what to what away!!!!!

 From what you were feeling away for almost a month to just this today!!!!!

All it took was this one run away with him one dream away with him and the youuu it's left with now !!!!!!!!

Ayyyyaaaaaaaamprnings and days like these!!!!!!!

Before him lil did you know power beauty magic and that serenity of a dream to transform you awaaaaay and how!!!!!

Like whjoooop bolkeeee it just splashes away your state of mind and transforms it away fillllls it all up awaaaay with him just this beauuuutifullu him and all his love for you screaming out j away every moment of the dream him his voice his words him stopping you ayyyaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeee you gorgeousssss lil big afoooooirable sexy thaaaangggggg how only you were missed today I say!!!!!!!

Heights of khushiii happpoy him high after this king wala selfie tohhhhbantaaa bosss!!!!!!

Ayaaaaa this heart mind of yours today ever since the waking up 

one in a moment...!

 Post workout usual yoga stretch and stuff and this one track usually during the stretches that you play on....

In that head down on the mat spine stretch mode eyes shut and that one moemnt the way you could feel your forehead bumping into his forehead like you could see him looking you in the eye direct like he was there in that very moment one with you could sense feel his breathe that close to you feel his forehead over your like it wasn't the floor or the mat it was his forehead that you bump away your forehead with......ittaa strong it felt ki you try to go closer again the second time cause of your belief of that two times forehead bump thing and he just smiles that ditto smile of his away and the way it shakes you up and you lift your head off......and realise the irony of that moemnt of you just did in your waking state who bhi!!!!!

It's that fine line of difference charlie of that moemnt of realisation of you just felt of what you just did even with your eyes wide open...cause that one moemnt THAT one fraction of a moemnt felt that strong!!!!!

Like he was actually there with you in that very moment one with you as you lean towards him...

U know it's all your mind just as it's been all these years and you also are trying your best possible for the first time in all these years.....but pata nai kyu charlie nai hora merse.......!

Like for the first time in all these years you are genuinely trying your best but it just is not working!!!!!

Like you just couldn't help the way he felt that real cause you were that wide awake post training like mind body all of you that awake and yet you felt him lived him that strongly that felt sooo real!!!!!!!

Even reliving it as you write now this feeeeling hows that even possible!!!!!!!

Like I said to live someone...!

The way that one moment of living his beauuutiful details from that upclose always takes you back to that one moemnt at his dd colony place around same time that year in July end holding his face away livinf his details with your finger and as you tell him you look beautiful the waaaaay his face transforms away that beauuuutifully!!!!!!

Again when you didn't want to go that way of writing and the way just that one touch like always holds your hand and off you goo!!!!!!

Something's you didn't wanna write relive feeeel away cause you know........and without even intending to write that one moment the way anything to do with him fills you away with alllllllllllll of him and HOW!!!!!!!!!

To live someone...!

 Said it before will say it again.....

To love someone maybe one thing but to live someone as you love is a totally different thing altogether!!!!

Be it the experience the whole vibe of it or the experiences it leaves you with or even the after of it for that matter is whole lotta different than to just love someone away...

Again the beauty the art and the magic of knowing understanding what it is to live someone as you love was something you did learn from him...as he loved and lived you away and how!!!!!

This mind today just this beautifully lost even as you were reading this amazing book but the way the mind keeps reading the same sentence over n over again is when you know it just is not in right state to read away....cause that one fraction of a moemnt keeps playing on loop!!

Sometimes nai charlie just that one lilst moemnt can do that away to you...just that one moemnt again all thanks to the art of living someone in lilst of your things......

One moment!!

 One moment like this one is all you need sometimes!!!!!!

Whhoaaaaah that was SOMETHING!!!!!!!!

Fraction of a moment that felt sooooo strong magic in the waking state of mind......this mind NOW!!!!!!!

the waaaaaays you can feel someone and HOW!!!!!!!

always been that one face in the world for you...

Moments like these!!!!!!!!pure magic!!!!!!!!💙

Times...!

 Iilst of moemnts like these and this one big accumulation of all him feels through the day and evry single night moemnts before the mind gets hazy with sleep the mind sort of replays it all away.....

It's this habit of years now like in your head it's all bout reliving him traces of him away througbthe day just before falling asleep....again not somethung that you do intentionally it's just the way it is...

Happens that naturally like the mind all of you with that need to just live him away just when it starts to get hazy...and now with years it also is your most loved time just before falling asleep...

And off late when yove been avoiding writing the very moemnts just so you feel less of a fool reading these very details as you write now.......it's just feeling weird charlie now!!!!!!

How did you not see it understood it when he has been that clear always with the distance with the keeping you off him best way possible!!!!!!

It's you that he has a problem with how could you not understand this very obvious logic all these years!!!!!

And yet again that one string of magic drops over with a random chill out playlist playing and that how you donno had his lucky Ali song o Sanam.....after going one full week without lucky Ali it finally happens.....

Whatta drop it sure was...!

Magic does exist for real or its just random moemnts another dilemma to that of the dream and the waking state of life...

Mind i tell you off late in another zone only Aaj kal!!

Visual stories2!!

 From that story of his the way his words keep ringing echoing through you we can never be ya.......

It all is just feeling weird like it never felt before and yovve been trying ever since to get a hold on yourself to just get a grip and understand the change but it's that logic bout the core of you charlie...

Like you can change your habits your lifestyle things you like or dislike your overall outer things and way you are and stuff.....but our core nai charlie it always remains the same no matter what you do!!

Like once you've had that realisation of your own core as a person you can't change that no matter what...

The him in your life in you has become that core now that one solid core of your being...

Still trying each day each moemnt but the waaaay these strings of magic drop over and bring him along that you held fataak se grab away cause that's your lil moment of magic.......at the same time as you struggle to holding onto the idea of magic fir real...

There are these lil gulmohars right outside the studio lift area with other plants and it's only today that you see these fresh blooms in the other plant which was jus a leaf plant these lil almost Daisy like tiniest blooms and as you try to capture the beauty of it whilst raining that very sec9nd his picture long time back on some occasion at his place and he dresses up as his grandad with that lil white flower over his one year prolly the mostttttt adoooooooooooorablest picture of his cause he himself looked like a lil kid with that heaps of innocence over his face and looking his beautiful best as per usual in the white kurta or shirt it was in that picture......

The second you live that moemnt while capturing a moment of your present reality that one feeeeeeel it fills you up with was beyonf words...

It just felt away that something strong....!

Maybe y9u can never be "wisely or logically" in love with someone nai.....

U just gottaaa love away...!

I guess!!!!!!

Visual stories...!

 Writing these now makes you sound feel even more foolish but who hota nai charlie something on the inside that urge that doesn't let you sleep focus like your mind is just not still it's like something's just not right like you just need to get it out let it out hoping it would make somethng better on the inside...

Exact same vibes evry single time you've tried to take a step away and back from him like you just did something that wrong even blocking him this time to make you are poora away from him just as he wants but who bhi nai hua......

It's just something on the inside kuch hai donno what why how what it is why does it feel this way this strongly to these dreams and random most moemnts as hilarious weirdly random as a person on the bike next to you moves away and wearing that khaki jacket of his to the auto just ahead with Mera saajan in caps and right below that says from kachiguda, ramanthapur, habsiguda.....

What it was you donno but just the way it just made you smile away in THIS state of mind.....just made you happy in the weirdest of ways...

Tried to stay away from writing this mind out for this very reason but this thing bout writing your mind out or even more importantly writing the him out the way it's become this beautiful necessity of life now...!

Still rereading your mind and feeling away all the more foolish prolly the biggest fool on the face of this planet i say!!!!!

No wonder love has all to do wit the heart and not with the head nai...!

String of magic...

 

Just when you think you are losing that grip on that string of magic that you'd held onto all these years...dreams moments sometimes mostly rather just that feeeeeel of knowing something for sure bout in life.......and some moment sort of transforms it away and how!!!!!

Like an eye opener of sorts and you try to get a hold on yourself first for now life later maybe.......and still there are these dreams that speak to you otherwise that you still can't make any sense of....?

And then there are these moments visuals sounds that sort of give away that end of that string rope of magic for you to grab onto and live that one moment of magic live that moment of your reality... That plays in your mind, has been all these years!!!

The one constant....!

Still believe in magic...

 With a state of mind like this,

this lilst moment of magic post shower.....

Jadugari kya cheez hai!!

Out of line.....

 It's that realisation suddenly when somebody that you loved the most in your life ever wants you out that bad that's how it will be from here on.....

It's that sudden realisation of the whole scenario it still could be that person you never in contacts either and leave alone that how the block somehow never goes....

Like suddenly your mind traces away to these moemnts that you ignored maybe cause dreams can actually do that to your mind......like you make you ignore go blind over the reality of the situation and instead stay afloat with what and how the dreams his orsence in em makes you feel away....

When he mentions bout i literally changed my fone for less than a day and you noticed in that.....like there is that urgency of blocking you away like the first priority to keep the block on you have you off hus contact......

Like it always was right there that clear evident where you stand and yet.....all this while such a foool nai!!!!!!

Like such a fool!!!!!!!!

The hiroshima factor!

 It really slammed or bombed your face away with the reality of the situation today.....

It's just this one feeeel charlie all this while you've been such a fool nai!!!!!

Catching moments of his away dreams and through your day, stealing away lilst of something's of him off his story just so you fill up this missing away!

Till that moennt of realisation hits you....how it really is not bout who it is, it could also be someone he felt humiliated with still be closest to him and you with no space what so ever........

Leave alone being on his contacts how the block never goes away or off...

It suddenly made you question away a lot of things you neve messaged him on your own never unless you see the change or something and it still it feels like it's too much to have your presence in anyway around for him.....it's like something that wrong you've done and this always remains this one question what did you do that wrong to him.....could have anybody on the face of this planet but you!!!!!!

It's that feeel of standing on the outside looking in and realising where you stand actual mein for real in someone's life right there outside n beyond that line!!!!!!!

What were you even doing thinking dreaming feeeling away all this for never made sense still doesn't!!!!!!

It was the worst lost feeeling ever.....to just visually live your presence in someone's life!

Even writing this feeel out now this zoned out statevof mind.....like you can't get the real feeel out in words...

Anybody but you.......wonder what the worst thing possible that you evr did was!!!!!

Fool!!!!

 Some situation like a scene doing something like totally off track as to what's really running on your mind, some word suddenly hits you on the exact level as to what and how you are really feeling like..... like you just dint know until that word hits you!!

Watching some random movie like it's been one random movie after the otherbjust so your mind is occupied and off track...missinf the race today was highest point to missing the two episode of starngee things and you just know that's how lost in the head you are!

The word or line rather you are such a fool does it for you now.....

Like you just dint wanna write this feeel this state of mind out but the waaaay that one line hots you away was something else...

The hiroshima factor!