To the day!

 It was a day made already with those initial rushes of him that you were filled with, this time of the year anyway is always like this all those initial days with him that first smile that first feel of him to loving living him to living his presence to live that feeling for the first time in life how someone’s presence that close to you was making you feel safe instead how liking things he liked to those first longest of conversations over the nite even as friends to that first touch first first hug first chummi how from lilst of him to everything him he was turning you into mentioning every single time that pride in his voice mine you are if he sees your mom hugging yih for some reason or you sitting longer with his sister in her room the sec he has your time with him the first thing always mine you are karely just mine…

And this was smthing you could just see it in him the waaay just the waaaay he would stand in a corner watch your mom hold you say smthing and him just looking at you to the same face same expression of his when with his sister playing some game or her painting your nails away holding your hand over your lap and Him standing at the door just watching you with that same face same expression and you can’t move run away to him can’t do a thing that one restless helpless feel the way him standing there that feeeeel of being drawn away to him like that one pull that you can feel it in your chest like the outside of you that still but on the inside there’s that strong pull you can feel him just watching you that way same feels!!!!

And the second with him that first hug that run to hold him away and the only thing first very thing he would mention mine you are karely!!!!

Smthings you relive and write now this one sudden blankness I say!!!!!

This sudden empty feel now when you realise what you had back then this one sudden huge hollow empty feeel this very moment!!!!!

The happiest the most content and complete you’ve been and felt ever in your life…!

Echo of his name…

 From that moment of knowing there was a Chetan in the house after years that one echo of his name and you ask the manager if he had any nickname cause the waaaaay just the waaaaay everytime that one call out and the waaaay it was making your heart feel like on a jump rope roll constantly and the EPIC moment of the morning being when the cook makes aloo paratha with chutney for breakfast the second you see it on the table mom at the table watching Chetan sit right next to you still looking at you that was one of the most complicated situations you’ve been in recently!!!!

Bout to eat Chetan still watching you eat and you push his plate towards him and he pushes it back to you opens the mouth in a way asking you to feed him instead nod back and push back the plate towards him again and he repeats the same thing over again those few moments charlie that one feeeeeeel of him through n through in those few mins there was just him ayaaaaaa just him rushing through you that beauuuutifully!!!!

His face you feeding him his fav aloo paratha and the way it used to make him happy like nothing else could!!!! To watching him get possessive when you pet another dog saying tu apne lucky ku cheat karrri uske absence mein like that feeel has always been there stayed with you even much after!!!!

Even now!!!!

To finally when the manager done with her call joins you’ll and then tries to feed him and he instead puts his plate again close to yours turns to you wanting you to feed instead that one moment the position you were in beyond words I say!!!!

To the next sec when the manager says oh ya right it’s chetan after all!!!!

And you had to give in finally the sec you feed him the bit of Paracha that one Khushi on the kids face just made you happy strangely!

It was different it was that beautifully ironic!!!!

There’s no kid in the world too charloe that could ever match up or even come close to that kid you knew the most adooooorable one and only one on the face and everything of this planet I say!!!!!

There never was there cannot possibly be anybody else like him ayyaaaaaaaaaa that one adoooooorable face I say very single time you used to feed him smthing paratha Gulaab jamun sandwich sweet anything at all just that one face he would make every single time chew slower smile more eyes going all ambeingsuperadorable and I know it kinds!!!!!

From that moment to dropping the kid back your smile just there him that beauuurifuy rushing through you how lucky does someone really ought to be to get some wish fulfilled I say!!!  How lucky someone have to be to live Him!!!!!

Stil be able to live him!!!!!!!!

His name…

 Yesterday being the most hectic day of the recent times as you did start off with the walkins finally on appointments and the best part of it being when the manager brings over her nephew to your place as you step out of your room sitting there on the couch looks at you and that smile it’s a different feeling charlie like it’s always been there the way it makes you feel on the inside like smthing changes in you ekdum se like that moment feels suddenly different to the second before one is when you know just knowwww it has to do smthing with him but that realisation only strikes after the moment this one too just like that…..that one different feel head out ask the kid his name and of all the names in the world that one smile and he says Chetan…

Even writing it out now that one big beautiful sigh I say to just write his name too!!!!

Manager walks in look at her and that one giggle of hers maloom kya naam hai Iska! Jokes again over it and you avoid the situation head out to the balcony for a bit it’s that Need to hold your expression reaction over it to just hide away for a bit just so could go back to being normal but like anything to do with him and the waaay it just fills away that missing for the moment cause everytime you hear his name kahi bhi it takes you back to the moment him telling you his name and you asking him back if he was a gujju and that very second he could sense that Khushi in your voice the way he chuckles away saying look at you getting all happy bout it am not gujju am Rajput!

His face the way he could sense things bout you already like he always knew you your habits the way he would just know lilst of things bout you in process correcting those things bout you telling you things bout your own self was like knowing you knowing someone besides you knew that much bout you already…it’s not just his name that echoes in that moment it’s all of that initial days of knowing him reconnecting with him knowing yourself knowing things bout your own self from him living him his details and how those very things those very details of his you longed to live again to see him again how happy that happy his presence was making you feel how saying his name made you feel how to just see him look at you and then smile that one smile of his was making you feel smthings you write and now as you write this feeeeeeeeel!!!!!

Where to where the mind floats away I say!!!!!!

Nites !!!!!!

 This state of ease beautiful ease it makes you feel this love for the nites ever since Him!!!!

Especially this time of the year every year the waaaay it’s just in the smell of the air scent of him in the air specially in the nites every bit of him!!!! Now the more chilly it gets that one smell of him that scent of that time back again in the year just like every year…

In your room lights off candle n his music on this one routine and the way the feels of the day or the day yesterday or the morning today the waaay all of it makes you feel!!!!

Like this time of your day where you can just be the most you finally !!!!

Every single time a feel like this rushes through you this one feeel of amazement it fills you up with how just how just that one someone can change you away so much become so much and make you feel all of this n more all at once even in the absence!!!! How someone just like that becomes this THIS to you even writing this one away this one smile on the face I say !!!!!

How just like that the way it become just him and HOW!!!!!

That one face!!!!

 There are a billion godzillion amount of people in the world and how how just like that that one face becomes the world to you that one face in the crowd becomes your own that one face a Khushi like no other that constant search for that one face I say!!!!!

To just live his presence live his details ayaaaaaa that Love it was!!!!

Even in the songs you listen the way his every expression still there as you listen to the wordings specific word specific line and how he would sing it how his expression used to be like in that specific line to the way his head would tilt on that specific side only to some songs making him that happy to live his lost happy face to that lil high face ayaaaaaa him I say heart of your life always been!!!!!!

To love someone is one thing but to live someone as you love them is another thing altogether!!!!!

U just wanna know live those details that are random, easily missed by the others like finding the corners finding the spaces that others don’t can’t, living each one of them apart from the obvious ones corners of their faces their body the overall being!!!!

To see to live to love the unseen unloved bits too!!!!

Loving them living them with every single thing they come with!!!!

This mind feels, is starting to feel very different niladri and This him high I say the way it takes your mind takes the missing to another level only!!!!!

To C Him!!!!

Still with the team discussing bout the next one and someone shares a series of ouctures that we can work with and one of them being themed with gulmohars there was sudden smile on your face like you could sense that sudden Khushi that one rush of him get off n away for a bit his music plugged in stay in your corner of the studio for a bit the waaaaay just the waaaaay his face zoomed in version of his face was all you could see live today everytime you blink the waaaay he was just there charlie like you could see him that clear through n through the day instead of faces around of random people the way all you could see everytime a moment like this was just him that beauuutifully just him!!!!

Finally done at work late back home ur manager bout to leave and you ask her to stay back today too her more than happy you even more happier than her with that one wait to see him again it’s today after all the day you realised his love for you and even more importantly when it tinged you that you were in love with him your first and only love of life I say!!!!!

That one wait for her to give her fone to yih for some reason and that very moment the head of the photographer calls and just her mention and you fataaaak se say I’ll talk gives you the fone heads to the washroom that one rush to disconnect the call and just see him and there he was a picture of his at some Aparna place maybe a few kms away from here cause you did hear bout it that one feeeeeeeel charlie ayaaaaaaa itteee aas pass hai to that one bun of his ayyaaaaaaa everytime you see him that one feeeeel there’s your heart in tee n jeans over the call that’s where your heart is!!!!!

To his jeans folded as yours his voice that one beauuutiful echo of his voice from that meet as you get off the bed and he notices lil stones over and shows you em tu ye leke aye to just watching you fold them again before leaving and that one stare with that one signature smileeeeee of his ayyaaaAAAAAAA HOWLEEEEEEEEEEEwriting writing how only You are being missed I say!!!!!!!!!!!

The way just the waaaaaaay he would stand and just look at you that one nod of his and then that sigh beautiful sigh and goes so messy ree….followed by that adoooooooorabke scream at you terkuu alter Karane nai hota uskuu and you just nod back saying a no!!!!

Just the waaaay he would just be that way and live your presence in moments like these just watching you be just be yourself and the way even that used to make him that happy!!!!

It’s the same you who is that particular bout the studio interiors of the studio being that spik n span but when it comes to you the same messy….

How things change you change in many ways but that core of you your existence is something you can’t really change with time or circumstances that remains the same….

Today to just live him in that picture with the loudest sigh possible ayaaaaaaaa itteeee aju baju!!!!!

His presence to just live him probably the most loved thing habit hobby call it anything of your life I say!!!!!

The level of Khushi it used to give you was something else only!!!!!!!

Just beyond !!!!!!!!

To share…!

 Some nites nai bas this beauty to just feeeeel This vibe of this one month every year it just gets all that much more difficult and that beautiful at the same time….difficult cause of that one realisation of that much love and this after and then there’s these moments that you live through the day to that wait for the unblock strangely he always used this time of the year specially like just unblock for a bit and back again last year being the most time he actually didn’t block you back and just bout 2 days before this very day he unblocks you And that feeeel maybe he still remembers too this time too that one wait strangely to the day gone!

At the studio playing his beatles out loud singing along with it amidst work these rushes of his expressions to that moment when you get the final images of the shoot and watching each one of them that one thing first thing like always to share it with him…..

Cause every frame you’d set for each outfit each picture where the photographer being professional himself was quite surprised as you set each one and exactly how you’d wanted it also to include his corners with traces of leaf or greens in almost wvery frame to the makeup and how you wanted the model to look n pose and bigger compliment being when the team mentions bout working with other brands and yet nobody did come up with simple yet beautifully asthetuc shots like these!!!!

There was that sense of being proud of how far you’ve come and grown at your work with your work to just watch the work and love each one of them and miss the only one you that badly wanted to share it with all the things said by the model by the team to just feel this at work today and that constant ring on the mind through the conversation him to just share it with him to just tell him all the way all of that felt that incomplete is when that thing from wake up Sid rushes happiness is only real when shared!!!!

It’s always been back then lilst of things that made you happy to share it with him to this day today to share all that with him was when you missed him in the most differeway possible!!!!

Suddenly smthing and the way it makes you realise the gap the void that’s actually there and your mind sort of covering it all up and away with every other thing that feels like Him for the moment 

How beautifully strange is that for a thought…

Mornings…!

 Some days this beautiful that same vibe of that time of the year ever since the morning….some dreams to just live him that way this state of mind it has left you in subah seee it was a late noon waking up cause you just couldn’t go back to sleep again it’s the waaaaay you live his presence and the feels it leaves you with charlie it’s that real his voice his presence that calm that rush that much love all at once!!!!!

To that feeeel still half asleep but also had to rush for work and ur manager is the next face u see after waking up asking you to speak to the stylist regarding the pics and stuff and the next one on line and leaves the room back to her breakfast and u first thing cut the call without a word that rush that need ro bas see him and there was a beatles trailer thing the second you see beatles who bhi aaj the waaaaay all of him again that one big rush I sayyyyy!!!!!!

Day made already 

All his flashes of him singing with every blink ayyaaaaaa that putty lips that one face that one expression his big big eyes flashing the lashes as he sings the song to you the waaaaay his face everything bout him used to light up singing any beatles track to you and you just that lost in the way his face looks that happppy!!!!!

The lines the way his face expressions would change over certain words the voice change ayyyaaaAa that one face I say is what love and life is to you will always be!!!!!

It’s that very start of the day where you had to rush to work and also it was a beauuuutiful slow start cause you were already that THAT high on him!!!!!

Mind flying body rushing to work!!!!!

HIM!!!!

 Everytime on this day looking back how you felt for him the very start of it how you loved living him every bit of how much you loved irritating him touching him feeling living his presence in every possible way how just his presence used to feel like no other how happy him just waking around used to make you feel how much you loved his voice even when he used to get mad at you how much you loved every bit of him even the way he would be with kids around apart from him!!!!

This and much more how you’ve never felt that way ever again…for nobody never even looked at someone stared at someone passing by how nothing none ever caught your eye to even look at and there was you that first very first sight of him and you couldn’t take your eyes off him to wvey stare shared with him from picking you up to dropping you back the way his face would change dive slow take longer turns around till the sec you step out and go back in again hold him again just cause the way he looks at you as you get off and turn around to look at him….

It was like there was a major part of you that you lived with him and left it with him…the part of you that’s missing in you now!!!!

How do you even feel this way like you left a big chunk of you of your existence with someone and after you feel that part you couldn’t fix replace it again that’s still missing 

U should see his eyes charlie not a word sometimes and just his eyes just that one look and you know just knowwwwww like that strongly feel it knowwww it just by seeing that one face of his I say ayyaaaaa howleeeeee tummmm ekdummm seeew bhotttttt zoooorseeee yaaad areee miyaaaa!!!!!

This very day!!!!

 It was that beautiful ironic moment today as you see that story of his it strangely beautifully made you feel less lonely today…

Like you were out getting food and stuff with the manager with her fone with you but that beauuutifuk rush of all him from that very spot that he was at in the moment made you feel like you were standing there in that moment living him in those corners of the gvk!!!

Aaj subah se that wait that missing that bad ti that moment when you see the story it sort of in a way felt complete the day felt complete…

From his music to these Rushes of him to that need to take the other turn from prashasan nagar which you are that sure was his fav Gali one and these beautiful heart shaped trees that you be never seen before it’s that feeel charlie bout love when your heart is that filled with love you see beauty love in things around you like finding the good the beauty around you seeing the unseen around you exactly like you still do the people watch thing used to back then with him when At coffee places and miss him there there are moments when you miss the best friend you had specially when out or actually when most akele too!!!!

That tree today with the row of trees in a line to that beautiful visual of the almost sunset or just the sunshine him that ray of light that sunshine of your life I say!!!!

Just the way it fills your heart up him ditto that to you!!!!

The best thing you ever did in life was adding love to when he asks you what happened when you call him back again soon after hanging up! 

Love did happen and HOW!!!!!

Like all the way he knew that well and took you forever to understand and now the way decade later it stayed with you!!!!

Finding him in places moments visuals boards and every corner possible some random some magical just to find him charloe and nothing no one can ever replace that replace Him in your life!!!!!

That one most beautiful constant of your life - Him…!

Decade…

Today this very day at gvk with him for wake up Sid to finding Sanghi temple how everything from there on the gulmohars the temple the music the movie Him becoming your own….moment after moment!!!!

The way he was doing everything possible that he could just to make you feel his love for you just to make you realise you were in love with him and you just didn’t know it!

To that night of conversation and that wait in his voice in his smiles to that feeeeel the way it all just felt different finally the stars above the meteor shower one shooting star after the other that makes him go on the terrace and actually live that moment live the night sky with you that was him his way of love for you to just live that moment with you and you show him which side it was to him and finally call it a night and the way he keeps mentioning and nothing else? And and

Like he did sense the change in you already and was waiting for you to say it cause he also mentions if you are waiting for me to say it first you know I wouldn’t so tell me!!!!!

Smthings even writing now was that a dream or it did happen for real!!!!!

If it wasn’t for that story of his today it would’ve felt it’s just you there was that beauty to that story charlie just the way it made you feel on the inside including that popcorn sticker came with that memory of his love for caramel popcorn mixed with the masala one to balance it out like he had that specific way of everything including the food he would order or anything to eat as simple as popcorn too which after did become yours too cause ordering that same combo of popcorn was living a moment of Him every single time when there!!!!

It’s that feeeel charlie after ordering looking at the popcorn every single time with that smile was like living him his presence in that popcorn around the washroom area every corner of that place that beautifully laced with all things him!!!!!

To him mention the same almost after decade finally home him talking bout movies to you was him just being there decade later it’s been 12 years charlie whowwww!!!!!!

Things when you finally say it out write it out feels even bigger!!!!!

Whowwww 12 years !!!!!!!!

Movie tho Banta aise story pe nai!!!!!

From that very first feel of love to understanding love to understanding living the other side of love passion madness innocence everything that it came with to the after of it the after of love everything that that came with when you least expected it all this journey it’s always been him this feeeel charlie to just write it out how it’s always been him just his touch his feel of love everything that you’ve ever lived loved bout love it’s always been just him!!!!!

Every lil moment lived with him lived him in the absence of him to that mention of his story that one place gvk it’s like all those places with him there is a him that you’ve lived that strongly the Starbucks place too him still waiting for you kowtowing that sure you’ll come back for him still amazes you decade later!!!!

How was he that sure of it!!!!!

To just see him standing there and the second he sees you that one beauuuutiful transformation of his every single time to just see him wait there for you that one rush ayyyaaaaa is ko kaiseee maloom thaa!!!!! That literally made you run back to him and hold him away publicly for the first time like in that moment you just didn’t care who was around where you were all that mattered was his expression charlie his wait being that sure of you coming back to him!!!!

It’s the love you shared it’s the way he just was made you love him more!!!!!

It was that feeeling still there like nothing to hurt him be it your mom too back then just to make sure he was happy he was loved he was cared for like it did become your ultimate priority ro just make sure he was loved cause he deserved every bit of it charloe to you he’ll always be that one human form of love and magic…

Times have changed but this one thing for him this one love for him just grows with time… also why you get mad at that one someone up above why have all this love and then fuck it ip like this!!!!!

But then the heart goes back to that one thought of just finding Him!!!!!

Goes back to the thank you just for Him!!!!!

The opera!

 Spaces and the more you write bout em the less it’ll always seem!!!!

This thing bout spaces to live people in their own spaces with their own people and then to watch them come out just as they are truly how and what they are….

U can tell a lot bout someone by how they are when in their own space around their own people and him ayyaaaaaaaaaa the kid adooooorable kid that he used to instantly transform as and then there was that him at the opera!!!!

It was your place just your own cause watching him be just as he is everything that he was as mix of everything in him versions of him to live them there away from the world in your own was something else……

It was your love hideout too but also more than just that….there were other versions of him that you did get to live in that very place him crying him holding and hiding away in you trying to find that comfort finding that mom in you jus wanting to be adored as he does that and the waaaaay he would love that!!!!!

That place to you was all HIM!!!!!!

His expressions his body language his voice his touch his tears his frowns his chuckles every lil thing bout him coming alive that beauuurifully when there!!!!

Like everytime you find a new him in him and love each one of them!!!!

Finding that name in different instances today of all days MAGIC!!!!!

From that random board with that one line evening at Opera was a beauuuuuutiful rush of Him!!!!!

Those late evenings early noons at the opera to finally capturing that one house with the name itself mount opera written almost in the same font style as that one years back!!!!

This night this chill this state of mind today and that one cherry on top was his story today when you literally made your manager stay back cause that wait today to see smthing anything on his story today lilst of smthing bhi and finally that one story - finally back home at gvk after a decade!!!!!

That moment did become your own like that was Khushi in that one line for you every word for you smthings nai just like that even random one becomes your own just cause the waaaaaay it made you feel in that moment…

Moments!!!

 Start of the day that state of mind you already were in celebrating his love for you with all his songs almost singing out loud brushing shower at studio humming away like that one constant feeeeeel of him rushing through you!!!!

Discussing fabric to choose at the store kabeera track plays in the background at the petrol bunk window down to scan the payment kitni Haseen his lucky ali plays in the car beside on the other side pretty loudly to these visual moments!!!!

No parking at the store take a quick turn next building and this need to stop the driver get off live that visual moment and capture it to the other turn again this driver keeps taking and this time stop him in the middle of the right turn finally hold the moment save the moment away the house with the Mount Opera sign board!!!!

These moments charlie these very moments the waaaay they make you feel suddenly fill your heart up add that life back smile back in your day trough your day when just another day becomes this beautifully this magically all him and who bhi of all days today!!!!!

Howleeeeeeee You gorgeous lil big adoooooorable thing how only you weee missed today I swear!!!!!!

Sooooo soooooooo baaaddddlyyyyyyy!!!!!!

The nites…

 Maybe this is why this love for this night sky the time of the late nites this beautifully quiet this time of the hour and this time of the year especially when it’s this beautiful ever since his birthday this chill in the air that same beautiful smell of the October chill in the air…..

The way it fills you up with all things Him all the more this time of the year….

Today being nothing less than magic and this feeeel of moments like these to end the day with when you literally felt him hold you and literally wake you up when you galti se fall asleep still talking to ur manager!

Nites like these and then there was a night like that one too!!!!!

To just realise it was Him is him after all it was love after all !!!!!

Some conversations I tell you especially on a day like this one today!!!!!

It’s not necessary that your idea of love your idea of the feel of love needs to match with that of the rest of the world!!!!

Exactly like this still writing and look out a cement truck passes by your love is yours alone it doesn’t need to make sense to that of the love people think it needs to be like no!

Amazed…

The shape of your hands

When you’d walk with me

Yeah am amazed still love You the same…!

Iktara!

 That very first string of a sound goosebumps even years after even after a decade still the same feeeels!!!!!!

This one feeeeel every single time when you feel this strongly for him the way you are feeling in this very moment 

THANK GOD FOR HIM!!!!!!

This one thing this one magic that can’t thank someone up above there enough when you can almost forgive away for the rest of the mess up but just Him in your life that you can’t thank enough ever for!!!!!!

After the movie the way he always knew you that well ever since day 1 to be precise the way he just knew you!!!!!!

Had already this song on his iPod for you and knowing him back then to have him add Hindi songs on his playlist was a big deal and then to play them even a bigger one….

The second he plays it soon after the movie on your way to Sanghi that one Khushi as you just look at him that surprised and the way he just smiles awayaaaaay saying I knew you’ll like it already!

How you still donno things that you didn’t know you’ll like or love he already did…..

The only person who knew you the real you like no other 

How beautiful of a irony that is now re reading it , no wonder you miss the only best friend you ever had too!!!!!

Too many people you’d found in him maybe also why you miss too many voids suddenly in your life after him…..

To just live him every single day charlie was like living a new version of him new side of him every day and loving each one all that much more!!!!!!

Lil did you know back then nai from THAT MUCH him to this day too!!!!!!

Some nites I tell you some sounds n dates I tell you this sudden feeeeeeeel of him now!!!!!!!!

Flashes!!!!

 Some days nai just like that most beautiful!!!!!

From his lucky ali one to the the next one about pink nose guy exactly what he used to call that guy back then….it’s that feeeeel charlie when you visually live smthing via pictures that beauty of visuals….smthings didn’t really change bout him he still gets annoyed by the pink nose guy back then any poster of his and the way he used to get annoyed and call pinky!

That was his name for the guy!!!!

It’s the Khushi it filled your heart with today and that realisation again nothing but him can break you like that and nothing but him can fix you like that again same thing just the way he used to call it as I have your remote with me, all your controls are with me I know which to press and see and know the exact change in you…..

He did back then he still does for sure, has your remote with him!!!!!

His mind his logics anything to do with him I say, your heart it’s always been!!!!!

Like suddenly you are that happy like suddenly it’s that brush of Khushi pumped through you that smile just wouldn’t go get ready head to the studio and right through the work day too that one Khushi on your face on the inside that beautifully still there with his music playing out loud at the studio too!

Like you literally made a separate playlist for the same just so when there throug the work there’s his music playing all through aaj tho it felt all the more different!!!!

There are moments many zillion n more moments when you wish to chummi him all over and then there are these moments when you wish to chummi his mind I say ayyaaaaaaaa that being also the most adooooorabke one !!!!!

If it wasn’t for this day for living understanding his love for you through his actions back then this very day understanding his love for you understanding you being in love with him already even much before you knew yourself…..

These days on the calendar every year reminding you why you still feel the way you do why you still love him live him the way you do why it could never be anybody else than Him…

Howleeeeeee you were missed again like never before!!!!!

Niladri!

 Him holding his headfone close to your ears standing that close waiting for your reaction over his music that expression of his from that very moment still this beautifully clear…

The second you shut your eyes for a bit to feel the music and open your eyes to see him still living your presence and that one smile of his assured of you liking it and moves away gets back to his workout with his music still with you and keeps watching you beech beech mein after the song head back to him saying how to replay the track ayyaaaaa that Khushi of his in that moment you should’ve seen charlie just cause earlier you kept saying didn’t underStand his music to that day that moment when you ask him to play the song again on his iPod he shows you how to do the same and you don’t get it initially and he says you must learn how to it’s going to be with you more often now - his iPod!

To see him without his iPod was like literally watching someone without clothes cause that for him was THAT essential never for a second did you ever see him without his headfone and there he was wanting you to discover his world of music music that he loved THAT much!!!!!

From that day the way this one bond this one smthing you’ve shared with his music , it’s life to you now…..

Niladri and lucky ali being the most special ones when you miss him bad mad crazy!

Listening to the strings of niladri is like literally living him in person in that moment he is there with you even in the vocals it’s like his voice like you feel him so sooooo much with the sound…..smthing in a way that you can’t possibly explain or describe our in words it’s that beautifully surreal!!!!

Almost magic like !!!!!!

Eyes shut his music playing is like what living his presence used to feel like like literally watching him a step Away from you just bout to hold him away hide away in him it’s that moments before finding him and finding yourself back again just seconds before holding him and the more you write now this feeeeel I say!!!!!

Of all the dates this day this very day the 26th that changed it all away for you one movie one day complete day!!!!!!

His sound of music…

 This noon when you decide to stay home instead like you just needed to be on your own away from everything else just on your own….

It wasn’t a sad upset state of mind as such charlie you were just blank clueless generally bout life just clueless basically….

Standing out in the balcony with his music playing looking out and the manager beside you is when you realise she was home and she hands over her fone and asks you to check some pictures from the promotional still of your outfit sourced for someone by ritu… and you just give her fone back saying you’ll check it later cause in your mind there was that what’s the point of her fone now his acc was private….

Strangely at the table eating something and again keeps saying the same word are check at least check pls and stuff but that one word ringing felt strange it in a way strange way was like one of those movie scenes that has a sign hidden behind a scene like a purpose a message sort of thing that people tend to ignore same ditto vibes where just the word check atleast kept echoing like from a mountain top or you weee just plain high on his music but that one word check and you finally do as she gets on another call with stylist and there it was public again and auyyaaa that one Khushi I swear it’s howlaapana you know but smthings nai just can’t!!!!

That being the only way to live him shamelessly hit away the beloved circle that same vibe on his way back to Hyderabad that felt like being with him again in the most beautifully ironic of ways a few songs later was the lucky Ali one his lucky ali o sanam track ayyaaaaa the waaaay the heart jumped I say!!!!

From that visual of the cloud to just that sound of his music of his lucky ali every moment of listening to him humm along his lucky ali tracks start to rush back the waaaaay he used to sing away that beauuutifully charloe ayyyaaaaaaaa his voice also!!!!!! Has my heart I say!!!!!!!

There are some moments that strangely madly feel like they were your own that moment as crazy as it sounds writing now still very very crazy felt like your own…

Even as you read your own state of mind in that moment now still crazy but felt like your own…

The way anything HIM!!!

 There is nothing in the world there is nobody in the world that affects you means to you the way anything bout Him does!!!!

Nothing different that happened after him but ever since him the way this thing has always been there, constant!

Anything to do with him and the waaaay it just transforms you away and HOW!!!!!

Like that one brush of air swoop and you are gone with the wind!

Him just that and much much more than that in your life!!!!

It’s not that rush he is not that rush that just rushes inside of you it’s the way it paints you over like that one color of him all over you that people can actually visually see the change good or bad….

Like suddenly you go all quiet not a word not an expression like that blank face blank mind kinda day to this day today where your Khushi was that visible and that one word the way your face all of you suddenly just changed is exactly what the manager calls it as like suddenly you are all blank and today it’s like you are rained over look at your face and that’s exactly how and what you felt on the inside…..

Painted away with all things Him I say!!!!

How what why donno howww but just is the way it’s always been this way…

Him!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaa him!!!!!!!

Slides of memories…

 Back then showing your pictures on his fone the way he did mention bout this thing talking bout how some day he would make this roll kinda thing slides of visual memories from that first picture of yours that he took to the recent one on his fone and make this slide kinda thing for you and save it as a memory roll of how he found you…..

That moment today seeing his account turn private in a strange way rolled back that memory and it was like watching those slides of memories disappear one after the other like in that scene from the eternal sunshine!!!!

One slide one memory after the other poof gone!!!!!

Promises!

 Maybe it’s that thing no matter how or what the reality looks like or things it lands you in some very few of those promises that you make through your life stay with you like something in you is just not willing to break them something in you feels that wrong when you do so…..

In that moment those nights there at the terrace those promises you made under the night sky maybe for a lifetime…

To just be there no matter what!

Beautifully ironic nai…!

Moments!

 Moments like these!

Mornings like these!!!!!

This dream from this morning again exactly opposite to what the situation actually looked like the way he comes and the way he stays much after the dream too now middle of shower this need to just pause and write it out!!!!!!

It’s this thing bout flow of some moments and then this reality bit of your dream side….

His pictures stories on birthday and this one looked like he is with someone with flight love thing over to these adooooorable pics with different kids and him looking the most adorable it’s the way he is charlie and everytime this one feel goes out how lucky truly lucky is that kid there the way he held the kid to that lil cute girl there or the other one there!!!!!

People just like that got that lucky noo!

With that mention of special human which is absolutely is in every sense of the word!!!!!!

Everything bout him makes him special in every way possible…

But after this that numb feeling that same not to be there feel not needed anymore feel and you again for the zilliontm time that step back and delete from WhatsApp 

Like suddenly nothing made any sense anymore why be there when not required 

Then that wish that one Khushi to just see him happy and more than his love for you, his Khushi that Khushi is what you’ve always hoped and wished for and he is now…and you being around anyway didn’t make sense anymore!

Then there was this dream today his voice the way he was holding onto you nodding away and what he said stayed with you smthings they feel so much you rather not write bout it so re reading it wouldn’t feel so much otherwise!

How do these moments feel so real like what you see smthing is smthing else to the way you feel bout these moments with him…..

Just the feeeels it left you with!

To much later when the manager comes over gives you the fone to check some expenses and calculation and the first thing you see his account private now!

The only way that you could live him was gone too!

The only way!!!!!!! And gone!!!!!!!

This feeeling now it’s weird like it’s that time of the year feeling this weird moving to the next page…..

It’s that kind of calm leaves of a big tree rustling the sound that it makes it’s a lot of sound but the kind of too much sound that calms you in a way…

That kinda calm!!!!!

People just like that get THAT lucky?!

Morning calm…

 The things a missing heart dreams n feels is BEYOND!!!!

Magic!!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!

 Godot!!!!!!

This love for visuals and finding the him in moments like these!

Days!!

 It’ll be your first shoot ever since switched to the Zardozi work designs but it’s when you are put in a tight spot is when you all the more feel your ultimate priority in life noo!!!!

Same to same ditto case wali feel it’s a very early day tomo manager at your place for the night still discussing bits and your mind stuck at the clock and this one time she even asks if it’s the time change that you are tracking on cause it was that evident by your face to that moment when still lost over flashes of him mins away and this sudden spotting of the moon looking this beautiful tonite be it the city lights today looking all ready for Diwali already again from the most feared one to the most loved one another one of those things that beauuuutofully painted away with all things Him…

Just like the night tonite it’s that beautiful almost magic like you can feel it smell it in the air almost!!!!

Him ayyyaaaaaaaaaa if somebody had to really know see understand what your Khushi or heart looks like it’s him talking walking smiling just anything to everything him I say!!!!!

This heart with a zillion ironies engulfed too this one heart I say when it comes to anything Him!!!!!

This one quote you loved by one of your most loved kids author page talking bout a kid being one of the wonders of the world to you it’ll always be Him…

One n only the most beautifully magical wonder of your life… 

Can’t wish can’t talk can’t meet nothing at all and yet the way all these feels still there still grows with every dream every waking moment of his through your life…

Lil did you know nai everytime the way it always amazes you this one adooooirable being walking through the door towards you face down and yet you couldn’t take your eyes off is soon going to change you forever change everything you knew bout love thought bout love !!!!!!

U loved the way he loved you but more than anything else in the world it’s his being just the way he is with everything he is with, you are absolutefuckingmadly in love with….

All of him to any of him - just love LOVE I say, his biggest fan to be precise!!!!!!!

This one day…!

 Every single year this very day and that one heart shoutout poore dilse thank you aunty!

His birthday today!!!!

There is this huge mix of emotions every single year this day on the day that literally gave you him if it wasn’t for him forcing you to take you out this very day…..

This one day his birthday the beauuuuutiful most wonder of your life and the world I say!!!!!

It’s like no other day on the calendar just the thought of it!!!!

Last few days that hectic with the shoot ahead and of all the dates on the calendar when the shoot guys give this only and very date available for the shoot - 21st October and that heart jump of a moment…

Doing up the last min bits at the studio decor wise designs wise listing out outfits managing everything and then on your way to get last min flowers and others and this turn the new drover takes saying from here onwards it’ll be less of traffic manager looks at you in wonder cause the street had no lights then this one turn at 36 Jubilee Hills and this one huge beautifully lit board outside the house on the dark Street that says Mount Opera and the house number it’s that feeeeeeling charlie when as it is your mind you are literally struggling to get your mind to focus on work being his birthday being it October and then this one huge sign board who bhi aaj he that one feeeeeel I say!!!!!

Evening already made, him this strongly in moments !!!! 

The one day where you feel tooooo many things and all at once that one struggle that one restlessness where you want to wish him to that feel you shouldn’t cause he had asked yo not to to that block soon after you messaged a week…..

It’s his birthday after all most of you feels there is that block also rest of you sighs over!!!!!

Wonder of the world…

 Happy birthday howlee…!

Heart of my life I say!!!!!

Him!!!!

 That light through the trees Him those raindrops touching the leaf or trees that splatter that comes after the light right now through the trees as you write and live that feeling that state of mind just before fully falling asleep that flight n away slow move of the birds that brush of the wild wind against the skin that sound of some song from a distance that taste of food that warms your heart that sound of kids chuckle in the evenings under the apartment the morning search that random moment where you just felt him not sure with or how but just know felt him it’s all him all of these moments is him 

It’s having lived him that much being lived by him through this month his smiles every lil detail of him his hand movements his body posture whilst driving walking towards the car after finding that fav packet of his chips whilst on a long drive just cause finding it there made him happy still looking at that pack in his hand with that Khushi on his face cause he was that hungry to finally get in and then watch you still living him dekhi tu ye wala mila who bhi ye store nein to just watching you door se at the store at the gym at his place with his sister the waaaaaay he would just be not a word nothing but that khushiii on his face just watching you living your presence these were very moments when all you wanted to was to just run upto him and crush away dent away kinda hug him just hold him away with that pull that beauuutiful pull of his stare but again that need to just let him live his moment to just let yourself be seen that way by him no wonder this feeel even now this need to just be stared by him loved by him 

Something’s in you you just change charlie it’s not upto you cause changing that would mean changing the very existence of you like you not being you anymore you can’t change that can’t do that you can’t undo you that’s been done 

This is you now ever since this very October ever since Him

Moments random sounds n visuals never been the same ever again 

How lucky you truly did get Himmmmmmm ayyyaaaaaaaa this feeeeeel every single time you relive him from back then still amazes you he loved you THAT much!!!!!!!

Like THAAAAAAAAAT much!!!!!

To this one quote it’s you and after there’s just them something bout unconditional parental love!!!!

Some words again literally story of your life these versions of your love for him sudden changes sudden rushes with every moment where one moment you miss that adoooooooorable messy kid of yours to this other coming alive with his car picture to just relive in your mind that side of you from that drive the way some moments when you see yourself that way the way it feels like a dream eternity levels of time I say!!!!

Him that sunshine of your life that calm that Khushi that wild forest like that calm ocean kind that beauuuutiful tree n bird kind that adoooooorable child like anything that makes you feel life live life comes with Him…

Moments!!

 There were these grey cement walls all around and these holes through them like you could only see through them and as you walk along that fear with every step and suddenly there is this slow sound of his music playing somewhere far off like you know it’s his song and the way suddenly those walls around disappear cause in that moment that sound playing and the sec you listen to it and know it’s his song the way it makes you shut your eyes away just so you could feel it more feel him with the sound that comfort that calm the sec you open your eyes the walls around all gone 

Suddenly it’s all bright sunny around from gloomy to sunny in that very instance 

Walk a lil more the way he is there over the fields door door tak these yellow fields yellow wildflowers and amidst them there he was navy blue tee and white chaddis hands under his head eyes shut as you walk closer making sure your sound walk steps don’t wake him up there is that thing charlie been years now every single dream even in the dream be it you make sure not to make any sudden moves rush jump to the sight of his that fear of him disappearing from reality to dreams it’s always there that very moment too slow steps making sure doesn’t wake him up and that smileeeeee charloe ayyyaaaaaaaa that one smile on him and without a word from him you knew he knew it’s you the way he just still nods with eyes shut and in ishaara asks you to lay beside him u still making sure not to get excited the sec you do the way he that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutofully slow turns all towards you opens his eyes and that one sec that one feeeeeeel to just look him in the eye from that upclose to just live his details his beauuuutoful details from that close that feeeeeeel after years even in that moment the way it makes your heart filled with a sigh with that fiiiiinally feeels to just live that moment charloe you still lost in that moment and the way he suddenly holds you away literally hiding away in you holding you away this he used to when upset or just disturbed that same hug that same feeeeel of his hug in that moment and that one sound of his soon after he holds you that beautiful sigh that comfort that peace that beauuuuuuutiful smthing it fills you up with in that very moment and in that very state you fall asleep waking up all alone by yourself in that state of mind was a reality that always shakes you up like it just is not possible kinda vibe of that morning like he was definitely here for real so can’t be gone like you were so sure of his presence in that moment 

To finding him in that story of his that one song thanks to shazaaam ur most fav app now!!!!!

I will lay me down……..! 

October…

 Being a random month on the calendar with no birthdays family wise to becoming the most loved month of your life…

Everytime single year this sense of wonder it fills you up with the before n after of it….

How nothings ever been the same again you or your life this one month that literally gave you all that you ever needed LOVE - Him…

Living his details every single day and falling rising in love with each one of them spending almost the entire day with him was like being an year with him with a lifetime of memories sooo much of him that you breathe through now

 No wonder these moments sounds n visuals the way they bring that lilst of him and how!!!!

This story he had posted of driving away to film city with who am I track playing again one of your most loved ones not sure if it was his track that he had shared or you chorofied from his playlist or your own finding but this one video of that same track just like his dreams that also made you love that track all the more

This love for his stories with his music and now all the more with him driving it’s that beauty charlie it’s like you are in that moment in your mind it’s letting you relive that moment those drives with him back then to just relive that feel even in your crazy crazy head to you alone you know the way it makes you feel

It’s like moments you miss been missing for years and then even a hint of that same moment you get to live with that beauty of his music the day made heart even more filled with all him!!!!!

More so it being this very loved month!

To this other recent one with this beauuuuutiful stretch of big beautiful trees both side sunshine above you fav moment of seeing the light through the trees hide n seek almost like it’s like off on off on trough the trees with garfunkel track playing to that one picture of his car and done you were!!!!!!

Visuals this beauuuuty of the visuals from that beautiful slow moment to that rush of him and the track playing that beautifully insync with your morning Him!!!!!!

It’s the waaaaaay he has been coming these early mornings to just live those moments waking up to that badly looking for him cause you were that sure of him his presence and that after feeeling that specific day and this very song talks bout bridge over troubled water I will lay me down cause that’s exactly how close he was to you that very morning

The sound…

 It’s the sound visuals a slightest hint of anything him and the after feels the after you is different lost numb to everything else every one around like suddenly yo become all quiet aloof from everything else that beautiful need to turn inside hide your mind away to just be on your own to just be with that moment of him a moment with just Him that you can feel in that moment 

The way it just that beautifully holds you away from it all that need to hide so nobody can see you ask you talk to you discuss something want your attention like nothing of it in that moment just you and that moment of him hiding away from the rest is like the moment with him a moment with him

At ikea too days back when your most fav light finally comes back in stock and you rush to add it to the studio done stop for a coffee as the manager gets busy talking to some friends she bumped into u take the corner table and that very sec his lovers carvings just the start of the track starts and that feeeeeel charloe that smile in that very stance like suddenly you change from normal to that beautifully abnormal I say as she brings the friends over to the table to introduce u guys as it is plus that moment flashes of that pic of his u find the song on car picture with the song name written that flash to your madness for his music that you had to zoom the that out just so you could get which song name it was to just living that beauty of finding him in that moment and the very moment she is there and first thing asks you why smiling akele akele and you just excuse urself saying n all and get away with the coffee outside and just be there overlooking the flying bird thing there 

It’s like being that smooothly diverting away swimming away from one moment to the other from his song his that picture of having lived him exact same side profile way a zillion time on drives to that monument of birds about to fly thing before ikea everytime you pass by or when there his arms his flight is all you can see that feeeeeeel of sound n visuals charlie the waaaaay they can suddenly make you feel all alone and yet that beautifully just with that moment that flow of the moment it’s different it fills you up with seomthjnf beyond words n logic

To his stories his music and now everytime you see a glimpse of his car ayaaaaaaa this mind I saaay poooraaa dhadaaaam bolkeee Palti!!!!!!

The version of you that’s in some corner tied up hidden away kept away and the way anything to do with that side of you that side of his love for you the way it just suddenly dhadaaaam bolke sets you free mind on a different missing mode ekdum we that feeel of coming alive all of you even as you write now this feeeeel!!!!!!

Details, it’s all in the details Chico!

 It’s this one quote godfather or scar face if not wrong how do you tel a person loves you it’s all in the eyes Chico they never lie!!!!!

And everytime on any page you read this quote till Tia date it’s always ALWAYS that moment that rushes through you every single moment of him looking at you right from the very start that first time till the recent one just the way he used to look at you like he may not say a thing in those post bup meets but always the way he used to look at you and that smile of his every single time that comes after looking at you LOVE!!!!!

Standing at a distance not a word nothing just the way he would loook at you it’s when you feel the love that THAT much looooove on the inside like instead of the blood it’s suddenly alllll loooove of his rushing through you gushing through you like you can suddenly feel that transformation in that very instance that switch from the gush of blood to that rush of his love for you 

And aoooooo yaaah ever since reading discovering that quote from the movie to reading it finding it every time it’s all Him and that love for the name Chico with the quote and you name your most fav biggest plant at studio Chico!

It’s the details charlie be it in the studio corners or just randomly through the day or this song maeri it’s him it’s all him that you feel and more so this one month like your mind is literally taken over with all aanythung to everything him just him!!!!

Like you can feel ut can’t think straight can’t work despite of the last week hectic sheducle the way the mind was still on that afloat mode that beauuutifully him high mode that you had to keep dragging it back to work and ut just wouldn’t work I say!!!!

Music sound of his music it’s like the more you write and the less it’ll always seem like!!!!!

That almost magic like wonder of his music and the way you find him in places with sound…

It’s that feeeeeel charlie no matter how low the sound is it’s like even a hint of that sound that you can barely hear and just knowwww it’s his song cause the waaay some song whisper made you feeeeel him and just know if you barely hear even just know it’s his music….

Like who plays wake up sid tracks even today but it happens who bhi of al the months it’s in this very month at the store wake up Sid track playing and the way the sound just holds your hand and moves you away offf n away from the world head out and just be with him just him all him rushing through you his smiles his faces his echoes of mimicry his hands his forehead his nose every lil beauuuutiful detail of him rushing through you and how ayyyyaaaaaaaaaa smthings you write and this feeeeeeeeeel it can suddenly fill you up with!!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeereee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dates on the calendar!

 Some dates on the calendar this one month and the waaaaay it fills you up with all the more much of Him!!!!!

And HOW!!!!!!

Nites like these and this state of mind 17th October Diwali how some dates of this month this very month of your life changed you and your life forever!!!!!

Some dates this him hiiiiiiigh state of mind this very moment here in your place leg up a lil rose high very lil of it and all him high this beauuutifully!!!!!!

Some songs of his and the way your mind always always misses him in details his every lil detail with the blink of an eye this mind now!!!!!!!

Mornings!

 The smell n sniff  of presence even in the absence…!

The Tara moment!

After writing this missing it fills you now with this one month I say!!!!!!!

Back to the day today designing something with him on mind and missing him the most when on!

His signature face after long, this one outfit you really missed him seeing you in the most after a very long time!!!!

Saved it must be!

To coming back home with this new different state of mind cause the missing felt that diffferent today taking you back to dressing up only when to meet him today designing beautiful outfits it’s still the same you oversized shirts and this one you try and the only thing you missed the most him by your side to see you in it!!!!

Some wishes nai as lil as they are as random as they are you just know how it used to make you feel back then!!!!

Who hota nai to be that way only with that one someone cause that’s how they make you feel make you feel the most you you e ever been!

Coming back home late the sec you come in the room play his music and that very second thunder and starts to rain wild!!!!

It’s that beautiful smthing to be added on to what and how you already were feeling!!!!

Maybe cause you saw yourself that way after ages felt beautiful inside out and that one same search same wander to find him in that moment looking at yourself in the mirror !!!!!

The loud beautiful roar of the sky that perfect timing I say!

Finding your home finding Him in moments like these…!

October!!!!

 It’s this mix of feeels this one month makes you feel!!!!!

There are moments of looking for this custom furniture guy and you come across this one temple on a hilltop that looks exactly like your Sanghi one and you stop the diver get off and ask the manager to go ahead….

Late afternoon temple obviously closed which now you know back then he knew and you didn’t!!!!

Stay there and that feeeel it fills you up with!!!!!

Every single year this time of the year that one only loud echo through you - He loved you THAT much????!!!!

It’s like moment of self amazement it always leaves you with!!!!

If it wasn’t for this months memories and moment he still would’ve felt like one of the most beautiful fragments of your dream!!!!

This one month and the way it makes you feel every single time every single day those conversations living him from distance to realising his ways of showing his love for you without being direct and you not getting any one of them only later the way he would that adooooootably share them with you!!!!

This is what I meant this is why I waited this is why I wanted you to come out with me this is why I would use the treadmill beside you the waaaaay he just looooved sharing his moments of loving you from a distance with you after…..

The wAaaay his face that beauuutifully happy charlie like looking yaha waha and sharing it with you with that big smile on him like eve just by looking at him you realise how much he already was in love with you with your presence and how much he did miss you in your presence then….cause you had no idea bout it even as friends just his presence charlie the way in your mind he was your friend getting best friend but all of you already knew maybe you were in love with him the way his presence just the way it used to make you feel….

From being what you were with men and presence there comes him that made you wanna stay made you wanna breathe live love that one presence like you never did before or never again after!!!!

To just see him ayyyaaAaaaaa the way it just used to make you so so happpppy!!!!

Just to see him him blinking him smiling him looking up at the sun just randomly talking him chuckling away walking around jumping sliding down the stairways anything to everything him becoming love and how!!!!!

THIS MIND now the more you write and relive him!!!!!

This THIS feeeeeeeel it’s filling you up with now!!!!!!!

In those moments after knowing love knowing him living him in those moments not even for a sec did you ever think what it would be like without him cause in that moment that one strong faith that strong something like no matter what happens this one him this one love of his for you him in your life him with you in his life will never change no matter what he ll always love and be with you that way!!!!!!

Not even for a second not even slightest hit not even when he asks you what if someday you don’t have me in your life what will you do!!!!

Even asking that question he very well knew what he meant to you in your life no wonder the question thinking of it now as you write….only when you know your worth in someone’s life does it make you wonder or question your absence!!!!

This one month!

 This one month that just transformed you your life away and HOW!!!!!

Every year this one wait for this one month of your life I say!!!!!

The way it all comes back right from the very start and from the day the sec the calendar goes 1st October !!!!!!

This love for this month I say that literally gave you Him in many ways than one…one most important one being his birthday the day that gave you him to the date 27th that gave you his love for life!!!!!

Nothings ever changed ever since then….

Only the love keeps growing every year with every year passing by you end up loving him a lil more than the previous one you end missing him a lik more than the previous one…..

It’s the way these days of this month make you feel it’s like this is why yih still feel the way you do bout him this is why you still love him the way you do and nothing no one could ever replace that!!!!!

Not even for a moment nobody looking similar sounding similar nothing not even close to the way you felt feel bout him to the way he made you feel!!!!

There was nothing those initial days and yet his presence the very first time itself without even seeing his face made you just stand there hold you there in that moment and just stay watch him watch that walk take those steps literally towards you with his head down and you just standing there and for the first time in your life actually staring at someone some guy and just stay there that way only after he comes that close waiting for you to move so he could take that step closer Looks up and then shows you down in a way saying he is taking that step and you still stand there looking at him lost in him and that smile for the first time when he realises you just wouldn’t move is when you realise you were actually living some guy that close to you and you move and this time he stays a for bit and then moves to the changing room you still lost in him and he turns around knowing you still must be looking at him that moment there and today still that lost in him I say!!!!!!

Anything else anything at all and you have the worst possible memory again when it comes to him the way he is just there charlie all these moments with him anything to do with him the way it all llllll is just there this beauuuutifully still there!!!!

Some theory on this one page bout female spirit saying women have this instinct of knowing body wise where they belong the place the person where they can sense they do belong like it’s ok it’s right to be there kinda vibe that they feel…..

It’s exactly how and what you always felt like no place else you did try even in just a meet the way body wise there was this feeling this sense of being pulled away and out of that pace or presence….. it’s that feeel of not belonging there the way it pulled out yourself that sense of being withdrawn and away!!!!

With him it’s always right from the very start that sense that feel of being held that sense of belonging that need to just stay to just be in that moment there in his presence the way his touch being the first n only one ever since then that felt safe that felt it’s all you needed that felt that right that made you feel safe!!!!!

Kabi hua he nai andar se whi wali feeel charlie cause it’s not the touch you missed not any touch, it was his that you missed not any love not being loved by anybody it was his that you missed!!!!

It’s like the only place where you ever belonged…!

There are these moments when somebody random when out turns around looks at you stares at you in a complimentary way that is to when checking colours on you that smile of somebody random when some colour looks good it’s these moments where you miss him….it’s being stared by him you miss being complimented by him being LOVED by him yih miss!!!!!

Today too this one colour of your dreams literally and you try it on low on neck and you cover it with your hair away but the way it just looked on you like after a very long time that feel of not even dressing up and yet some outfit made you feel beautiful inside and in that very moment that one wish hoping he had seen you in that!!!!

Like always when anything looks good on you that one wish hoping he had seen you in it!!!!

It’s these strangest of wishes moments that you live through and then when write it out and read it later this very feel it leaves you with!!!!!

Things like these don’t happen aise he charlie it’s only when you have been that THAT loved you by nature tend to long for the same love cause in your heart n soul you know always knew that’s the only place that’s the only one person you belonged to regardless of absence or presence the way and how you feel on the inside every single time the only person place you ever belonged to!!!!!!!

His expressions his voice tones of voice in different situations or with specific words the things that would make him happy or frown to his random most of moments this one month and the way it comes along every year!!!!!!

October the most loved month of your Life!!!!!!!

To live someone!

 This beautiful art of living someone smthing you did learn from him loving him to understand how beautifully important it is to live someone too and not just love someone!!!

U live someone you tend to love them even more living their details every lil thing bout him anything beautiful to the most random ones too and the more you live the more you love each one of them….

It’s the way even after him the way these very moments stayed with you still filling up for it the way anything lilst brings him along places sounds familiar faces anything at all and that feeeel of him!!!!

From doing up the studio wit hints of him literally painting away with shades of him things that connect you to him mirror wall to the his navy blue couch to the whites and plants everywhere to this very recent one with designing and colour with name theme that makes it easier for maintain information design records….

Navy’s with stars naming them anything that makes you feel him colours of him yellow whites navy to this recent amaranthine colour the same one as his jacket or hoody it was in his recent tallin pictures and that now did become your most favourite colour the way he looks that beauuuutiful in that deep violet tone of colour!!!!

That thing bout anything you do with love comes out best or smthing like that!!!!

And it did become the best selling colour too now!!!!

To one of them mentioning how nobody gets that shade right as your brand things like these and that heart smile it’s cause smthing him connects you with it and you make sure to put in the best efforts possible and the turn out that beautiful!!!!

This one lime green in the same collection you get done and you relate the fields sunshine forest dreams of his…..

These Lush fields in the morning living him through those wild flower bushes to just see a glimpse of him living your presence with that one signature smile of his anworkingmymagicandyouknowit Wala smile of his!!!!!

Eyes going smaller with that small lil high shy smile of his and that nod that comes along the sec he notices you all lost in him!!!!

The way he always knew charlie what his presence does to you and how bad you loved living him and his details the way he would watch you do so every single time and that one smile with nod of his and that slow beauuuuutiful whisper of his howli!!!!!

Even writing it now some sounds some visuals and the waaaaay they can make you just happy even years after!!!!!

This feeeeeeel here right now !!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeee you gorgeous lil big thing how only you were missed in his very moment here!!!!!!!!!!!

Lilst of things!

 Festival time being the most hectic juggling between things late nights at work fabrics to dispatch timeline to coming up designs and managing it all at once!!!!

Amidst all this there are these moments be it sneaking up managers fone and finding nothing to these moments to yoruself finding him there and the way everything around that beautifully turns blur like the sky lately sublime slow peaceful calm it’s like suddenly nothing else matters the way it just holds you Away!!!!

To these moments outside finding corners staying there to just breathe a lil more him live the moment for longer to this moment the other day at your regular fabric retailer and you stay there while your manager gets the billing done and these two guys walk upto you with the store owner himself requestinf you to guide these guys as to which combination for pathani and sherwani would look good the colours were plain black and some floral navy the second you see it that rush of him and you just nod away saying nothing and excuse your way out with one of them stil saying smthing bout you being a designer helping them out and stuff and you just nod away your way out!!!!

U could have but this thing always charlie like smthings when they bring him along it just takes you off n away the sight of the black fabric with their voices mentioning pathani to you was finding him listening to his voice echo of that time of him in Bangalore sharing smthing he that badly wanted and asking you to look for it for him it’s like suddenly all those conversations with him from that time in whispers is all you could hear feel and the way that need to just be out n away till the manger runs back to you asking for the card is when the whispers stop for a bit and come back again after that moment!!!!!

It’s the way suddenly anything to do with him that you live the way it makes you feel!!!! It’s the way all of you suddenly transforms away and that need to just live that moment for a lil longer to just go with the flow of that moment it’s smthing else it’s prolly the most loved moment through your day….any moment that makes you feel him live him even for a bit just like that it’s these moments that sort of breathe back the life in you literally the way it just makes you come alive like the after you after that moment is a different you every single time….

Is when you realise how still nothing else matters the way He did…..

Nobody else mattered the way he did!!!!!!!

Inside your mind!

When you come over to write your state of mind with too many things runnning and this feeeeeeling every single time as you hold on and read a post or two why reading your own mind your own feelings what goes inside your head sometimes leaves you with numb kinda feel this self pity feel it’s weird nai…..how in your head it feels different it feels more real now when you read your own state of mind this weird self pity feeling here ajeeb nai!

It’s this feeeeeeel charlie that feels so so so strong something like you haven’t felt in years of missing him but this feel lately feels different feels strong like it has a hold on all of you not just your mind or memory….like it holds away all of you away and how the sec anything bout him just touches you away ever so slightly and the way it takes all of you away and how like that strong brush of wind with just one swoop and gone you are!!!!

It’s this song lately ironically hauntingly beautiful!

When apart still feels like home…

Story of your life literally even in his absence something bout him smthing to do with him still fills up for it where you still find your home find Him in moments sounds visuals n visions!!!!

Still finding your way finding your home filling up for the absence with anything to everything that makes you feel him live him even be it for a bit that moment that sound that visual is your home finding Him there!!!!!

Home!

 Still, feels like Home…!