Missing Him in the random...

from that dream that weird feeling again it left you with !!

its that thing charlie like you do smthing cause it feels right or dont do it....

and then there is this that has always been this way right from the start.....

anything he says or does is all to you !!

even in that moment as it keeps playing on loop on your mind everytime you blink the walk with Him.... when he asks you to just get off and come with him....

with your hand in his.....

its not bout treating god like or made superior kinda thing.... who andaaar se heee aisa function ho jaaata when it comes to Him....

its like with him bout him it all gets on automode inside of you..... like it all happens on its own with a flow of its own...

you have no control over it.....

it just happens.....

to that moment when you see your hand in smbody else even be it in the most random n casual of ways it just felt weird.....

you dint want all this importance attention from anybody else but Him.....

like that moment and the way it made you feel in that moment to those moments of feeling you are being stared at while you talk smthing random too was all definitely not feeling like being just friends.....

maybe it was the whole realization of not being cared or even thought of in a situation like this one that got you..... but soon eventually did land you in where you felt what you always felt like.....

when walking back that feeeeeling too why would you still feel all this this way this whole vibe that moments like these come up as if you were at fault doing smthing you shouldnt be.... like how do you still belong to someone who to say the least is disturbed disgusted even by your mere presence in any which way possible.... even the sense of you makes him run away !!!!!!

like how do you still belong to someone who dosnt want you to be there !!!!!!!!!

today in that moment initially when you jsut sit down at the lawn area for a bit as it smelled the most rains in that area and the more Him as you take deep breaths there.....

and you watch these lil bugs walking in a row and yash starts off saying smthing how they were ganging up and you get on with it by saying it was a troop headed somewhere lilke some random conversation and again with random laughs over it and that same instance it all stop with those beauuuuuuuutiful echoes of his voice of his adoooooooooorable chuckle.....

shut your eyes.....

at the gym stairs and there were theese pigeons that would keep flying shitting around....

and the way he keep slooking up saying how there was this one pigeon that was consipiring against him and was going to shit on his head any moment and that troubles him that adooooooooorable bad that he keeps moving his bum a lil there a lil closer to you..... and then look at you with that one smileeeeeee as with every move he keeps coming closer to you.....

there was this habit of his back then to flick away a sheet of news paper for you just before getting down for coffee with you at the stairs....

just so you could sit on it cause the steps outside used to be dirty and you didnt want the dirt marks on th ebum after you get off also why you used to sya a no to not go there and then he comes up with this just so you could be with him.....

that day tooo him moving a lil more closer and still worried bout the pigeon shit abobe and you get off and hold the newspaper over his head and try to fold it in a way it like it sits cap like over his head..... and the waaaaaay he just looks at you through the process cause then your hands that close to his face and him still looking at your hands and you......

to just live that feeeeeeeeeeeling being looked at by him and you stop focusing on the sheet and lost in Him....

when finally the shit takes place over your hand....

it was those random moments random most conversations bout one piegon being the master of all n who directing n intructiong the plan to shit over his head......

today in that moment when you were laughing at yashs joke there were echoes of His voice flowing through you..... like all  you could hear was Him.....

moments like these make you realize all this while you dint want someone to pay attention to you someone  to make you feel visible like you exist someone to make you realize your worth like you matter your presence matters, it wasnt someone to fill up these, it was Him......

again the same thing maybe one of the many things but most important one of all that made you love him all the more.... the way he valued your presence your worth in his life.... the way he respected you.....

respect charlie, is not bout how polite or nice you are.....

respecting someone is also bout respecting valuing someones presence in your life knowing their worth and place in your life and treating them that way.....

the first man in your life being your dad was smthing you always grew being mistreated as then brother who was away as much as he was there for in life.... and then it was Him and the only man that really actually made you realize what and how it was to feel and being respected for in life.....

to value someone in your life and not just love them.... cause loving it still easy, but to value someone to know someones worth in your life takes much more than just loving them...

much much more.....

and that definitely is also more important than just being loved.....