Him...

like the after of that moment did get a lil beautifully different to get over.....

change back and head out for a walk.....

yash again and today it again felt that beautifully different.....

its that thing bout experiences charlie.....

when you live moments or experience smthing it sort of in a way brings you all the more closer to where you belonged in the first place.....

the first thing that yash tells you was much expected bout the whatsapp number being yours in the first place and if you were getting messages and all that.....

with the mornin text the meme msgs it was like you dint know what to do now....

and you finally tell him you werent into whatsapp n all.....

then he mentions bout having called you too and you dint even remember bout that.....

its that thing charlie being the first time ever after Him.....

mornin msgs to sharing music with you movies with you to asking you what you listen to who your fav artist is.....

its that thing bout not sure if its just you and if its not normal or not.....

you can share only share that part of you with only certain someone you know you can you want to like you want to .......

that part of you which is most you completely you.....

music movies choices is also a part of you that pretty much says a lot bout you who you are as a person what all you could be made of kinda beauty.....

and its always been Him with Him.....

not even your friends never know whats on your playlist....

to not wanting to even check the music shared by yash or movies.....

again ist that want to do it and then there is that dosnt even make sense thing.....

its not bout restricting yourself or moulding yourself but just that want, all bout whether you want to or not.....

to the walks and conversation where you know he was getting more than friendly and this one time you sit down and he again insists on asking what you were listening to trying to take ur fone and all and you pull it back..... and the way he asks you if you were still trying to get over someone and you finally tell him you arent and you wont.....

came the ohhhhhhhhh i see later.....

awkward silence and you tell him you had to leave and the way he insists on anotehr round asking you to stay back....

and you just nod and leave.....

come back home in your room his music on.....

this thing charlie bout walks and especially with yash around.....

its like you are reliving that side of you and trying to make sense connect it all......

there was you back then with that fear of men still there and him being the first one ever you even spent that kinda time with.....

and even as friends you remember living him that loooooooooooooooooooooooooooove to just live him the way his eyes blinked the way he walked talked or even sat there on the bench in the middle of a set listening to some track and jsut stay that way.....

to just live him there was smthing.... the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it hold all of you awaaaaaaaaaaaay and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

his eyes, his hair his skin his hands his walk his voice his twitching of the nose to those different faces he would make mimicing someone....

anything to everything bout him, you wanting to live him a lil more..... losing yourself in him a lil more every time.....

to loving him and came the need to lose yourself all the more in ways of his love.......

it was smthing.... it was that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of knowing feeeeling like you always belonged there..... like you know knowing thats where you wanna be thats who you wanna live love......

there was this weird raw conversation that you had with your friend days back over a video call.....

which obvsly most of which you cant write bout but this one word she mentions "crave" for love and attention.....

and its in these walks do you realize why you could never.... why it could never be anybody else but Him.....

why that place in your life was always Him.......

you feel nothing nothing at all with anybody else.....

there is that thing charlie when you live that kinda attention after that long gap like being the second time precisely spending if not same lilst amount of time knowing the other person wants more of your time and attention and you feel nothing at all......

you dont even remember looking at yash like properly even once.....

not even once.....

you feel nothing !!!!!!!!

its Him all of you this beautifully just Him......

there was Him all that you wanted to live love and like she mentioned that word, craved for !!!!!!!1

without Him, if not Him, you dont feel nothing at all !!!!!!!

it was with Him the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay it used to transform you away in a way showing a you that you dint even know existed in you.....

how why what it is the way it is you donno.....

all you know is this is def not what you had on mind.....

and you finally decide today you wont be going for walks no more...... before it gets even more awkward !!

kabhi soche thooo this wonder it fills you with.....

how with Him, Him was all you wanted to see live !!!!!!!!!

the waaaaaaaaaaaaay his presence used to just hold you away.... like you know not wanna blink kinda hold you away.....

again smthing that you did learn with him...... the way he would smtimes ask you not to move or say a word cause he jsut wanted to live that moment live that silence with you.....

even at this dam place that he did take you back then as you were talking bout the sunset on the other side sitting on the edge of the place and the way he asks you not to move or say anything and just lives your presence......

its in moments like those that you lived an extension of yourself in Him.....

like you know knowing making sense of what you felt whilst living him.....

weird nai this sudden blankness now after reliving that memory....

this only from where to where it went......

this very reason why music did become your life now, and writing to relive this feeeling relive that moment relive that Him from back then..... to relive His love from back then !!!!!!!!!!!! 

The bag !!

from that start to brushing and you play a ben bohmr mixed playlist with that same song with the start.....

the very next song that plays the start of the song and you see him from that same skype call.....

he had shared a mix playlist of nicolas and then asks you to listen to them all and there was this one track playing at his place.... as the mike was on you still could hear the music playing on his side....

and the waaaaaaay he was moving still smoking the way he just moved dheere like you know still looking you in the eye and then moving with the beat of the song.....

he was that beauuuuuutifully high smiling a lil moving a lil and then looking you in the eye......

that whole vibe of the moment to just live him be that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully Him......

that same feeeeel of letting you live him say nothing ask nothing talk nothing just live that vibe of the moemnt the way it was making you feel both.....

the way it was like he was almost talking to you without saying a word.... jsut that vibe of that moment charlie......

to just live him look that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully just and all Him.....

werent doing anything and yet there was that much of everything.....

just in that moment.....

it was smthing else.....

some moments just like that that happened years back they are just there......

right there with just a play of a sound.....

exactly why you maybe always loved loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooved living him with and to his sound of music.....

it sort of holds that moment away.....

and when  you play that very track from that moment it sort of unfolds that moment away with the sound......

and much after you ask him what track it was playing on his side and the waaaaay he nods away that adooooooooorably asking you to find it in the list he just gave you....

years after today it was....

and whooo bhi in times amidst changes like these......

again that time of the morning your own..... cause your mind is still that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully all and just Him from the dreams and the waking up after.....

and then with him still rushing all through you you let yourself lose yourself a lil more in those first few hours after the waking up with his music playing loud and you divin away !!!!!!!

after came the usual day with cleaning dusting and today you decide to clean and pack the bags away.....

cause they were packed with all thedust possible..... get em down and open one of em and the stuff you inside.....

beautiful irony.....

it was the bag that you did plan on taking on that bombay trip to see and be with him 2 years back.....

back then you had booked your ticket way in advance just so you dint miss out and even had packed the basic lounge wear stuff just so you are that ready to leave when he mentions he is free tomo and asks you to come down......

like THAT ready !!!!!!!!!!!

today as you go through the stuff from the many things there was this shirt that you did buy those days when you did plan to go see him after that dream..... nightmare actually !!

this embroideered pastel His blue shirt being tooo soft in cotton and cropped one you def couldnt wear it out and you loved it that much and knowing his love from back then for soft cotton the waaaaaaay he would ask you to pick anything that was soft cotton cause he loved that on you.....

and you pick that shirt to wear it with him !!

packed it with the rest of the stuff and with a copy of the ticket from back then.....

today as you unpack and go through the stuff that feeeeeeeel when you see this shirt......

its that thing charlie when you know he would like smthing that much on you for sure and you had that wish to wear it with him and then see his expression and all of that and today after years you relive that vibe of the shirt of that moment that you had pictured on your mind back then.....

it was smthing.....

like there it was with the tag still on untouched just there in the bag......

wear it tabi k tabi cause it was a gooooooooooooooooood day today.....

hair tied with no kajal on too that khushi after wearing it for no reason, cause trying it on even years after you still had that Him still rushing through you being the day it was today......

some moments nai toooooo ironic and yet beautiful in some way......

there was a lot of Him LOT of him rushing through you today......

there were many moments many beauuuuuuutiful versions of Him playing on loop through you !!!!!!!

and then to live that time live that moment live that feeling of packing the bag from that day years back......

changes, chances !!!!!!!!

times i tell you !!!!!!!!!!!!!

lil did you know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To the dream...

it was actually weird like it was nothing and yet it was beautiful cause it was all Him and THAT much of him !!!!!!!!

with the music and movie watching you slept pretty late like realllllllllllly late and there was this place like places actually with screen sort of thing like with a background like there were buildings and buildinsg around..... and you sort of jump in that scene and find him standing there getting dressed like tucking away his shirt which he never does for real in real but in the dream he was and was sort of struggling to tuck the back bit inside and you walk upto him and the way he turns around towards you wanting you to tuck in the shirt in his pants.... and as you do the way he chuckles away mentioning bout the talcum powder incident at his place where he comes bare chested and asks you to put the powder on his back before his sister like literally stands that close to your face asking you to put the powder and you jsut look at his sister and say nothing and then turns around looks at you with that why the wait kinda thing and only after looking you in the eye and your expression does he realize what he just did and that adooooooooooorably moves away to his sister saying hauu nai tu lagaa and then nods away that adooooooorably realizing what he just did.....

like even in the dream as he turns towards you in a way waning you to tuck in the shirt that very same instance it was the very exact thing that runs through your mind and there he was talking bout that same incident.... and you just stand there tucking his shirt with him talking bout it and the next thing next sec you see some other place it ws a street it was raining and late in the night with just one street light and he walks over to you bringing chai in his hand and you jus live that beauuuuuuuty of the moment like almost everything that you missed him with be it rains be it living him living that beauuuuuuty of his under the street lights or having any random simple moment with him like having chai nowhere.....

to that very next sec you were in some park with him over your lap under some tree and it was a hot day but the waaaaay the breeze and living him on your lap made it all that beautifully pleasant..... the waaaaaay as the breeze would get stronger the waaaay he would shut his eyes tighter even with his eyes closed.... like those lilst of him in those few secs to him knowing you were living him his beauuuutiful details and the waaaaaaaay all of that was making him smile.....

there were def more places like you were jumping through one place to the other livin diff versions of him almost like one dream to the other......

there was that much him like even living diff moments it still was confusing you why the timing was changing that drastically like it was just noon to morning to ekdum see late in thenight.....

where this one time you try to reach him and it almost gets night or smthing and that sudden cofusion wakes you up.....

that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie after waking up with his smell still there hsi music still playing and that need to look for him like you were wide awake you knew in that very moment it all was just a dream and yet it strangely made you look for him even be it for a second yaha waha....

it was weird it was different it was that beautifully real.... like all those different versions occasions days timings were sort of givign out that vibe of living with him on different days different timings.....

its that feeeeeeeel of smthings nai charlie when you missed it all your life and you know what the reality is now and then you get to live it still get to live that side of life even be it in the dream bhi that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling that one state of mind, is beyond words and logics.....

it just did smthing that beautiful to you !!

just did......

that feeeeeeeeeeeling soon after waking up was beautiful !!!!!!!!!!

Music....!

not sure where to start this one from cause last few days not been good, like you are doing your best for this thing inside of you to settle like you know get back to nromal again....

and with work now on mostly one working day in three days like you are making sure of that with no walkins at  the studio as of now for time being.... this has been one struggle just so it dont get worse like it was months back......

and you are making sure of that like trying your best to !!!!

and this recent artist that you reallllllllly liked !!!!!!!!!

like the music the words yaha waha its that thing charlie bout music.....

like back then His music it was bout to loving living that side of his that he himself loved the most !!!!!!!!

like music to him was or maybe is everything.... like he has that passion that love for music to another level only.......

where he wouldnt know it himself but you could always see it in him like def more than movies music was smthing that sort of would bring him alive..... like you know the most alive.....

he would talk bout how much he loved movies and it was his passion love life and all that but you could see it in him where it was music more......

like that thing bout watching him talk movies and then to live him with music.....

were like two different things altogether.....

he def looked beauuuuuuuuutiful talking bout his passion for the movies and film making but then there was music it was with music that you did see him come most alive.....

like he would just transform that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully !!!!!!!!!!!!

his most happy beauuuuuuuuutiful calm at peace most alive state like you could see that rawness that like you know that side of him that comes out with music...... most beauuuuuuuuuuuutifully Alive...

and with him back then it was live that side of him to live the inside of Him with his music.....

to came the after the distance the changes and with that his music did become your way of finding looking for his love if still there like you know asking him for his music hoping he would say smthing what he couldnt himself through his music......

to came the complete absence now its your way of filling up that space those spaces of Him with anything Him.....

like you know for that time being you feel his presence like he is still there with and in his music....

like it makes you feel him his presence with and in his music.... is also why you stalk and only look for his youtube channel..... for that hint of his presence to just feel him for that moment with his music.....

is also why you cant go on without music no matter where you are what you are doing even be it working or in a meet like his music is a part of you..... or any music that makes you live him live any part of him part of any memory....

its this thing charlie like you play music any track thats his or a track that makes you feel him live him its like he comes alive with you like he is there with you like you know you arent alone anymore..... like he is there...... no matter where you are what you are doing !!!!!!!

its weird fcked up madness and yet this beautiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this recent track that you loved talks bout divin into someone like the lyrics part of it goes like having seen the future once and with no distance to the changes now lands someone losing themselves losing someone.....

and this hauntingly beautiful vibe of the track.....

its that vibe that move that it almost makes you move with that beautiful vibe to it.....

very few words lines but almost says it all......

having lived him his love and all of him and then to live with this absence..... to this change now it was more like you lost the most you losing him cause you were the most you the actual you with Him.....

to that diff vibe that plays through your mind with the track...... losing yourself in him divin in all Him......

words like these sounds this thing bout music again like it awakens a part of the memory or a place or someone with just the sound.....

like you listen to smthing close your eyes and vibe with it smtimes its all just blank or too bright and smtimes mostly with you its like some part of you your life Him memory place comes alive......

with this track its that whole vibe of losing yourself in his presence just by his presence and teh way this track brings that one memory of the meet closest to your heart.....

at his versova place.....

maybe cause it was your most loved meet cause you lived his love for you for teh first tme ever since the bup ever since the distance.....

like that was the only time he was allowin you to live all him wanting to be closest ot you wanting you to stay just be there close to him.... like that was the only meet where after moments he dint shut himself off like you know stay away or keep that distance like all he wanted was for you to just be close to him.... just hold him and be that way laying beisde him.....

and that for you your most tim living him with his music playing.....

it was th most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully slowest day of your life.....

the complete day was sort of floating away liivng him every bit of him every lil detail of him and to the closest view possible..... that you could feel the beat of his heart over your hand......

this track brings all that alive..... where the actual purpose of the track is the heartbreak but to you its bout the dive......

who hotaaa nai charlie you hit a play and there you are pooooof gone......

your mind all of you that beauuuuutifully lost and gone.....

like you sort of had to stop listening to it for a bit cause of what it was doing to your mind......

aaaj was different..... not sure if its the wine now or the music it just feeeeels good even writing bout the day now !!!!!!!!!!!!!

lately with all teh changes seen and realized today was different and this was after a very long time......

it was the start and then to find lilst of thinsg through the day like again one of those days designed for you on the calendar sort of thing.....

how beautiful it is to make sense of your own self like you know live moments that maybe nothing at all and yet come back with that feel of knowing what it is the way it is....

Weirder to be this weird?!

is it really weird to be this weird like you know deviate switch drift from the actual reality and just sway awaaay to what and how you feel in that very moment or moments through the day ?!

like you know consider that part of your life even in the waking state to be your reality and the rest of it as just another bad dream that you are dreaming after the waking up.......

been very very VERY long since felt this way......

like today right from the very start obvsly after that one beautiful most beautifully weird dream of His....

like just through the day this beautiful state of mind that you were in that beautiful vibe of the day like you could just feeeeeel it in the air as you breathe....

you were happy, just happy...

like the smile on not just on the outside but on the inside too.......

where you know it was just a dream where you knew it was just a coincidence that you found that song from one of those skype calls of his from 2-3 years back..... as you were brushing today !!

like right in the middle of it out of nowhere when you randomly play ben bohmr's mixed playlist and there was this one song that was playing at his place in bombay in that skype call....

today after all these years you find it out of nowhere like you know those lil'st of Him through your day.....

is this normal to feeeeeeel this way.....

its been waaaaaay too long waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too very long since youve felt this way.....

VERY LONG TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Changes.....

these few days or months actually did leave you with tooo many realizations that all these years dint....

shouldve know this right then tabhi only when you dint get a reply from him during times like these....

or even asking if you were okay n all....

but it took those few likes to know that to see that to realize that change....

again this thing bout visuals like they literally can open your eyes nai.....

like to see it literally see the change.....

is when you finally realize.....

that change was with you, Him still that same beauuuutiful self that he always was, with that same way of his loving someone.....

today when you see thenews bout work and all that one big BIG sigh of relief like that ultmate level of happiness getting back to work like knowing atleast now for a while you can sort of get away from that feeling.....

it will again take you days but still working on it....

but the way even writing it now the way it keeps going back to that one echo inside mein kabhi matter he nai kari charlie all this while all these years you still had that he has changed with time maybe kinda logic to your own..... seeing that change in him in every meet almost the way he made sure not to make you feel like you still did matter to him like meeting you did matter like he made sure that.... maintaining his distance with you moments after.....

and you still held on to tat maybe he did change with time......

and only now years later do you realize , it was with you !!!!!!!!!!!!!

like the more youw rite now the weirder again all this is feeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This time !!

you just be, few hours in your place.....

get on whatsapp and you take your pic off.....

whoo hotaaa nai charlie smtimes some moments you take a look at your self and feel like the biggest fool alive on the planet.... like apne aap ku dekke in that moment that very same dittooo feeling aayi zorseeee.....

whatta fool all these years !!!!!!!

take the pic off.....

it was like this time you had to make a few promises to yourself....

like deactvating the acc to being in your place to heading out for a walk that early in the morning....

and it was a beautiful early morning the wild breeze in the air with that sound of his music.....

its this thing thats always been there like that lil storm inside of you taking shape and the waaaaaaaaay his music that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully calms it away.....

its like it moulds you shapes you away before the storm takes over you, that kinda beauuuuutiful feeeel on the inside with the music playing.....

like you can just feeeeeeeel it inside.....

like you know from feeeling that way to the waaaaaaaay it strats to transform bit by bit inside of you.....

and you see yash jogging back to the track you were walking at.... and he stops by asking how come you were out early and stuff and then asks you number tho dedee yaar atleast i know when youll be out and like before he even completes the sentence you give your number.....

and the way initially it shocks him away and then takes it down.... and you tell him youll see him later and walk away.....

in that moment charlie there was no thinking nothing at all, it was just that hurt that silent hurt.....

its not like he did smthing wrong he never told you he loved you or anything of that sort.....

nothing bout him.....

it was you, it was you just you all these years......

all this time !!!!!!!!

like you know sort of talking your way out through the obvs changes that were happening and yet holding onto what you still thought felt like love......

felt Love...

in that moment it wasnt even bout knwoing he actually has moved on and you decide too, there was not a single thought there.....

just that weird feeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!

few rounds come back home and just sleep with his music still playing..... like usually when the mind is disturbed or too tired from work you just cant sleep aise hee like it takes a lot of time to really feel like sleeping.....

happens with his music that morning....

hours later and there was a text from a number and it was yash, a meme thing...... and then asking if you were coming down and you dont go on whatsapp and jsut be.....

the next day that one morning message asking if you were up and then sends in some list of movies to watch.....

all this while it still was okay and that one morning message to asking if you were up....

these things nai charlie again normal but to you these were new.....

its that thing again being used to Him saying asking them sending messages like these, and now after a decade you see someone else doing it.....

it was that uneasy feeling in the stomach like knowing its normal casual it just felt ajeeb....

all this while  you hadnt even saved his number and still thinking what were you thinking when you did give.....

its like doing things that you def dont want to !!!!!!

its that thing where you sort of decide and go ahead just like that.... like bas uthe decide kiya no more bolke and just go ahead with life.....

its not like you dint give this logic a try or atleast a start but thats not you.....

in that try in that moment in that start it dosnt feel you.....

like you are the least you that you feel......

like it felt all the more ajeeb on a sunday.....

again that lil but to you you know what that one day used to mean to you.....

cause you did see glimpses lived glimpses of a life of a future with Him on almost all sundays till today..... its been years now like there are beauuuuutiful versions of a life that you dint even imagine wish for with Him.... and yet you were you still are.... and to that moment when he asks you to stay away on a very sunday......

also the reason why you chose to stay off whatsapp on sundays to now it did become being off work sort of thing too to be off whatsapp.....

like a day to yourself without being in touch with work too.....

and there it was ting after ting with msging asking if it really was your number cause you dint reply any.....

been off walk off evrtyhing else and just on your own.....

those mins of deleting the acc was when you did decide this time you will just let him be from here on like not see any of him on any of his social accounts..... like agar manager ka phone bhii ghar pe bhool gayi naai tabhiii nai.....

knowing realizing you cant anymore.....

to those hours to yourself did sort of help you in some way.....

to stick with what you did decide on to sort of understand yourself.....

you dont need another reason to get over one reason....

cause smtimes its not necessary that you hav to get over bhi......

cause getting over is like you are sort of getting rid of smthing from your life.... like you know shake it off you a habit or even someone.....

Him, its always been much much more to you than just a habit or just a random someone...

its not smthing that you can want to get rid of its smthing you live with......

it may not be the same way it may not feel the same way, but its still the other Him that you live with now.....

Priority...2

days back your manager talks bout some business source thing that can be done through fb like build there too with some page management thing.....

and after years you get on it opening some random account like knowing you def wont be staying like you just had to check on what it was all bout....

and the second you are done with the acc setup process that first very obv much expected like before filling up the details you did have that thing running through your mind no you wont no you dont and no you dont kinda thing.....

but like always that neeeeeed to just see him to check on him if he was in hyd and was okay but more so def to see him anything of him.....

and the sec you were done with the acc setup that very first thing to look for him and there He was that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful Sunshine of your life for life Him in yellow......

that one pic that color on him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its like the biggest heart eye possible the sec you see him !!!!!!!!!!!

to those posts by him of insta that recent one being of the lill kitten kuri the sec you read it that beauuuuutiful echo of his voice calling you another one f those zillion names that he would come up with to call you, kurkuri was one of those zillion ones.....

smthings you just canttttt help it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its like the way that beautiful moment of the kitten was caught by that beauty of his mind n eyes.....

to that name with that beauuuuuuuuutiful echo of his voice calling you out.... to just knowing reading ramantapur him being THIS close !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to the next one that lil dragon of a kitten naming it toothless his mind again one adorable lil bunch of organ it is....... its the waaaaaaaaaay it sees things connects to smthing that beautiful !!!!!!!!

to the mac miller track post and the next one is when it changes it away again !!!!!!!!

changes it all away again !!!!!!!

that same post of the girl and read the comments and his sisters comment on it..........

whooo hotaaaaaa nai charlie pata nai actually hotaaa ki nai hotaaa but that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like you know you see things but there is that smthing on the inside that has a voice of its own like that loud that goes its not how you think it is......

its that madness maybe like denial sorts...... like the voice inside of you making its own attempt to make it better by diverting denying the thought the fact away.....

the comment was one of those things you call or comment on a couple expressing their love or display of their affection for the other and you comment over like they are coochy cooing sort of thing.....

it sort of immediately breaks away silences away all those echoes of the denials that was playing inside of you.....

like that comment that realization of him moved on and  you dint wanna go any further looking through his posts.... like you sort of stop there tabhi k tabhi.....

and then comes that not sure natural or this thing bout wanting to see how she really was.....

it was that side of you knwoing him how much she must have mattered to be there like you know to just see her and you click on those likes to see her profile.....

by the surname she was a gujju.....

pretty girl through her very few pics..... this thing charlie love makes you do the strangest of things like that moment when you were seeing through her profile it felt weird like that was the reason you did decide to quit fb just so you dont check on him dont see him like you know keep checking him and just let him be with his life.....

and here you were doing the very same......

writing it now sort of feels like confession in strangest of ways...... inside your mind it felt still okay like its that natural to just look through a profile but writing it now feels all the more ajeeb.....

soooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

almost every pic of hers lilst of bhi there was his like like first like......

even the lilst of her that you could see almost nothing of her there was a like on that too.....

thats Him......

having lived his love for you back then thats that beauuuuuuuuuuty of being loved by him......

if you really matter to him if you are loved by him any of you anything bout you even the lilst of things are loved..... like  to you it wouldnt even mean anything but to him that too would turn Love.....

like anything bout you is loved by him....not just the obvs things but anything most random stuff you do would be loved.....

His way of love..... to just love anything to everything you, lilst of things to the ones mostly the ones that may go unnoticed, he would specially love that too.....

leave the page, delete the acc right away without even looking through the business source thing that she talked bout.....

it was just that state of mind that all of that landed you in.....

like you just wnated to be away from it all.....

its that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie that relization.....

all these years you did think that side of him had changed with time....

like you know the person not being the same as he was.....

like certain aspects of people change transform with time....

you did think the same as and when you met post bup.....

like you know showing expressing you like you matter to him like your presence to see you to meet you your existence matters to him.....

like you def felt his love but that aspect was sort of missing like you felt that feeeling missing of being important to him like you matter like your presence to meet to see you still matters to him.....

that way of his love felt missing......

and you take it to be as he has changed that part of him that way of his loving had changed, with time....

only now do you realize it dint, he still was the same..... is the same...

the change was with you !!

His priority...

relief from a few restrictions from the lockdown and back to work....

with changings in the timing from tomo its going to be pretty early back to the hustle from tomo.....

this feeeeling now after all this set back of a time....

like so many changes seen much !!!

felt even much more !!!!!!!!!!!!!

and this need to write out this strange state of mind...... it feels weird now writing it out but its that hope maybe it feels better after you write it out like you know hoping it gets better in your mind after writing it out.....

soooooo.......

when you re realize that beauty of being his priority.....

days back seeing smthing again you shouldnt have.....

and that state of mind it lands you up in cause in your mind all these years it had you thinking he has changed with time.... its not the same him anymore....

but when you see smthing and realize he did change but not all of him, he changed with YOU !!!!!!!!

def wasnt a change of good but that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty charlie when you sort of meet that side of him its that random that lilst of things and yet you know YOU know what it meant to you.... to live that side of his, to be His priority.....

there is that beauty charlie which again he made you feel see live bout love.....

to be that beautifully important to someone like you know the way they make you feel like you are that important in life to them..... there is that beuaty in feeling that way and lot more beautiful than the feeling of being loved too.... cause that in a way is sort of that beautiful extension of feeling loved being loved by someone, to be that important to them, like you matter to them.....

anything of you matters to them.....

to think of it now writing it out feels all the more weird now......

waaaaaaay more weirder than how it felt inside your mind.....

cause its that lil and yet you know the feeeeeeeeeeeel of it !!!!!!!!!

it meant the world to you back then, to feel to being his priority..... like you know owns you kind !!

that lil and THAT beautiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Details.....

its that realization charlie when you suddenly see someone else and you realize how you never could also making yourself feel this ajeeb like you know you sort of feel disgusted bout your ownself.....

like start feeling pata nai kyu like for what reason why you donno but you just feel that bad ajeeb bout yourself on the inside.....

maybe cause it makes you feel like you lacked smthing smthing that the other person dint.....

its ajeeb was getting ajeeb the more you lived him through those chats and then realizing seeing the block of years now..... bout how bad the need to keep you away has been....

it was like being getting ashamed bout your own self.....

and you dont even know why.....

from that to feeling getting better as you try and stay away that side of life and stick with more books online movies and then the music....

like it comes down to again this part of the day of your own....

be it books with his music or some nights to just lay close to the window and just look out with no lights on.....

jus the sound of his music the breeze in the air and Him flowing through you.....

his lilst of details anything everything Him.....

and just yesterday this series of random glimpses of him from back then rushing through you.....

his random walks acrpss the gym to him just standing there waiting for the rush to clear just so he could get his car out.....

like you know those random stares of living him doorse..... all those stares of him standing in the que or just dialing some number over the fone and you just live his expressions through those random most moments of his.....

through the book asy ou read the writer talks bout how painting someone some subject is a process to first feel live the details and then to start with the brush strokes.....

like you know how the hair falls upon the forehead how the fingers or the palm is, the shape of the nose the frown of the brows that gaze in the eyes.... like you know lilst of the details and then to feel them like you know study live those details and then to slowly start with the process of painting the details....

all that while of you living his beauuuuuuutiful lilst of details and the waaaaaaaay he loved it like he would come closer and then look yaha waha and talk to you knowing you were lost in him like you know allowing you to this only making you feel like you can live him live his details knowing your love for it...... all that while of liivng him living his lilst of detail to be able to fill up your today.....

its like all these years of living and then these words these moments of writiing him is like painting him painting every lil detail of his every memory of his love for you just so you could relive that love relive that Him as you paint him today.....

the way the book talks bout the same feeling like it allows you to live that exact moment that exact feeling as you paint with every brush stroke.....

the same exact feeeling now knowing why it all feels this special and more hurtful smtimes as you write out a memory....

like why it hurts more feels more as and when you write anything Him.....

like you live him through you through days but this thing bout writing Him..... this complete process of starting to write Him and the way the mind the you all of you is not upto you anymore smtimes.....

like it all just flows withe evry word with every sec of reliving Him and then writing him like it just goes just flows......

some books and the state of mind it can leave you with, this beautiful calm like it sort of making you realize why that looooooooove for living him.....

there is that beauty charlie to live someone and not just love them..... like you know connect to see to live their beautiful bad good lilst of detail any detail.... and sort of know the details like you know not just know the obvious of someone but mainly the ones that may go unseen or unnoticed and then to love them too..... grow loving them more as you live.....

like you know really know someone by going through that process of living the details of someone.....

you dint even know then why or what but that looooooooooooove to just seee him to live him every lil of Him...... like you couldnt take your eyes off him that sound of his voice that random move of his hand even that day at his versova place as the song goes and the waaaaaay his hand moves with the rhythm of the track like in waves.... to just trip on that visual of his hand like you remember his hand that close to your face as he moves his hand to the osund of  the track and you couldnt take your eyes off his hand tooo not even wanting to blink.....

its that beauuuuuuuuuty to just live and love the lilst of someone.....

this exactly this where to where what you came to write and where this i sleading....

smthings you dont wanna recall and with words again it just flows......

this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling the more you write relive...............

THIS feeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A world of your own, a world of Him...

its been like this like you know not really giving it a thought and yet is sort of there at the back of your mind....

and some days some words smthing random sort of just syncs that well with that dimaag ke peeche wala thought of yours.....

ever since that post of his on insta that thing has been there writing it out feels more ajeeb than what and how it felt in your own mind.....

anywaay.....

how truly truly lucky she must have been or how much love he must have felt that she actually her made it to his acc as lil as this may sound.....

to you it def feels like one privilege which also makes your case that much more worst !!

with him this you did see learn bout love, bout loving someone bout being loved by someone.....

you sort of allow things like you know make the one feel yes you can yes they can with anything.... like you know there is that unsaid untold permission sort of thing like you know you allow them to...... and when you dont like you know build walls just so they dont thats when you know its not love anymore.....

cause you cant anymore........

where even a like or leave alone that seeing some story felt like a big deal felt like you shouldnt have been there or shouldnt have stalked his profile you know things like that.... is when you must know understand accept shoudve accepted seen your place....

long back !!!!!!!

shouldve understood the difference of the then and the now....

but smtimes nai charlie we rather stick to what makes us still feel what felt real back then.... like you know stick with that part side of our brain that still feels that love lives that love and instead really avoid seeing the now.... or even if seeing ignore sticking with the now....

from that feeling to living the still him that still loves you in the dreams....

like the second you shut your eyes or that random moment that sort of fataaaaaaaak se fills up for his absence making you live him....

its that world thats beyond the norm from what you live in the day in the waking state..... like its the complete opp its like you are still in those times.... cause it all still feels the same he feels the same his love for you feels the same the vibe feels just the same... and maybe even more like you feel his love for you even more in dreams.....

its like there is that world that one world that you hold onto the second you shut your eeys.....

that moment where you feel live like its all the same like nothing really changed, He hasnt changed.....

ever since that moment of the day wearing His and being him that feeling.....

having him on the fone..... what if he still did remember by any chance that its his also another reason being strangely it now feels like you have someones boyfriend on your fone.....

its not Him anymore......

as weird as it sounds......

its just weird like you know the Him you live through the moments of the day through the dreams.... in that smell as soon as youw ake up is Him..... all and just Him.....

the Him that you knew that you lived loved and still love.....

this him on the fone with that distance with all that pushing away now doesnt feel like the him that you knew.....

with that feeling now of being someones bf it just felt all the more weird and it was more like you were messing it up for somebody.....

and you get away all the more and delete him....

came the mothers day.....

stick with what you felt and lived back then, the Him that you have and left with......

to this day today when through the words its more like you are living him with words as you read the book.....

some words this vibe of this book its just that beautiful.....

like with every description its more bout reliving him as you read.....

the way it that beautifully sort of connects with all that you felt and still feel in the dreams you live.....

Books words lyrics...

this thing this beauuuuuuuuuuty bout finding just the right words that sort of resonate with your soul.....

like you know talking to you whispering to you all through as you read word after word.... like they sort of were giving that beautiful meaning to almost everything well almost, to everything that youve felt bout him back then....

like you know telling you this is why it felt the way it did to the much recent one when you finally delete him off the fone....

cause you just had to !!

and its only today that it sort of makes sense why you felt the need to and why it felt maybe right thing to do !!

this thing charlie bout connections especially with distance.... when you can just feeeeeeeeel it !!!!!!!

feel things that strong and when they sort of dont make sense anymore or maybe make more sense....

this one book like even now you sort of had to pull yourself out of the book just so you could write your own inner felt words out....

some books words just do that for you.....

maybe also why you wait used to wait for some smthing anything from him on his channel like you know waiting for some sign that he still loved you until you finally knew the reality......

after that it has only been bout just finding smthing of him to just live him in his music....

with quarantine you wait more now like you know check more hoping to find more...... but not happening......

its that thing bout how you sort of make your peace with smthing anything instead of what you thought was yours or what you hoped for.....

this mind feels different today....

not sure what you are writing but its just toooo many things that you felt through the book like the description of the art of painting and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it took you back to living him from those days.....

from the first stare to those hours of just living his beauuuuutiful details.....

and the way the author talks bout the painting process of living the details first then feeling them each n every detail just so the painter is able to paint the depth the feel of the details instead of just those random brush strokes....

like all that living him makes sense now...... and you always felt this like it was sort of filling up for this absence these years of absence now....

cause back then lil did you know THIS is what its going to be like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To being just Him....

for lunch and you ask the manager if she would join you for walks around apartment in the evenings.... and after much she finally says a yes.....

late in the nite out for a walk and yash again comes over and this time you just switch sides and land up in a way that she in the middle and you walk after a few mins yash finally leaves saying it was late now....

there was that thing charlie you dint wanna be rude neither could you come up with you have someone in life kinda talk and maybe this way did get it.....

rounds later the moon that beautiful with those beautiful circles around almost halo like with a hint of green around and as you just be there admiring the beauty of it with his music that very moment flock of his white star like birds flew across....

that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeel of a day like this one that beautifully complete.....

your lil lilst fractions of happiness....

like from the very start the waay the morning felt like to being Him finally in that outfit that you that baddddddly wanted to fit.... to posting your first ever selfie pic over insta.....

cause you never do with that thing of why random likes over selfie kinda weird.....

and today this moment this day you just had to document !!!!!!!!

it was of one of your another one of your most longed moments to be lived with Him, be it in the dream bhi.... to you it meant the world !!!!!!!!!!

like THE WORLD charlie !!!!!!!!!!!

The dream.....

some moments you just cant define like why did they make you that happy knowing its all your mind the dream the moments could be a coincidence tooo..... but to you you know you alone know what it meant to you !!!!!!

still means to you !!!!!!!!

like you still need to lose more but that khushiii charlie of finaaaaaaaally His clothes fitting cause you almost every month kept trying em on.... hoping now it fits and this blue one you extra careful bout cause its become thaaaaaaaaaat beautifully soft and fragile now.... a lil here n there and could ruin it.....

which is also why you dont wear it jsut so you can have it with you for life......

but today with the niladri dream this one felt the closest that you wanted to live n feel him as.....

cause of the moments with the dress cause of his facial expressions just that stare of his and then to feeeeeel allllllllllllllllllll that much love for you just by the way he was looking at you in this blue one specially - your life n world i say !!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo the dream......

you did tick off niladri for a longtime cause niladri to you is His love for you from back then.....

to give it a listen is also what makes you feel and realize the difference of the then and now all the more.....

it was some other intrumental music of his that you remember was playing as you slept on the floor itself trying to read book.....

and that touch of his holding your hand like you could still hear the instrumental track of his playing till he holds your hand firmly and that same second the sound of sitar.......

that makes you fataaaaaaak se open your eyes and see him.....

ekdum seedha samne was niladri playing it looked like a limited number of people kinda live not those concert types.....

to your side there was him in a navy shirt again full grown beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadi that you could see tiny heart enojis on..... like you look at him in the dream bhi and you actually could see those lil heart emojis all over his daaaaaaaadi like not literally see but you know some moments that make you sort of feel that way and you just picture it......

that kinda moment and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just smileeeeeees knowing like always just knowwwwwwwwwing how happy you truly were......

and you look saamne again just to recheck if it wasnt a dream and was actually happening for real....

and it still was there......

the same second the way still holding your hand moves your hand and look at him and that one deep beautiful breath and he shuts his eyes and you do too and just live that moment of living the sound of niladris sitar to that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel touch of his love for you........

the waaaaaaaaay like always he wanted to feel live that moment with you live that love for you......

it was a wish of his and soon did become yours too.....

back then for the first time him at niladris concert and calls you mid way through telling you how beuatifully crazy it was and that he had made a mistake by not bringing you along cause he had that badly wanted you to be there with him cause all he could feel was his love for you listening to niladri....

making him realize how much he loved you , just by the sound of sitar.....

with time and that loooooooove for everything him it did become your wish toooo.....

that just stayed as a wish....

years back you did have a similar niladri concert dream with him.... but there was that one wish of yours for a moment with him listening to niladri live.... to feeel him his presence to the sound of niladri.....

and in that dream the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay his hand his touch feeels the waaaaay his grip keeps growing stronger with the sound of sitar was him making you feel his love for you.... like you know wnating you to feeel it with him..... just by the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he holds your hand to and with the sound of sitar.....

and when the playing stops suddenly, you open your eyes to see what happened......

and you wake up.....

ironic beauty of the moment your hand over your tummy in a way like it was just held like you know fingers spread and not like how you would usually have your palm as whilst asleep.....

and you just be looking at your own and finally play niladri.....

through the day that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of his love for you from back to the sound of niladri.....

smthings some moments even as you write now and relive it as you write !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

things change people change places change, a love like this one true love like this one, shouldnt have !!

Being Him......

sooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

so you fix it yourself witout even knowing back then how to stitch but its that thing charlie cause he that badly wanted you to wear it and you couldnt cause your mom wasnt sure how to fix it and it had to be given to the tailor but you just had to do it for him to just see him happy wearing smthing his.....

and you add the extra stitches somehow and wear it.....

and that day his face to just see you......

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today too you do the same only this time to fill up his absence..........................

wear it and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeling the sec you do !!!!!!!!!!!!!

that very same sec your manager calls you over for lunch as she really wanted you to be there.....

still getting ready as usual to the sound of his music and that sudden sound like you had his niladri playing but the sound of the sitar was from out rush out and it was the Priority by niladri.....

playing somewhere oopar and the moment of magic was it was raining.....

like you can only imagine charlie with all that much missing since the morning already cause it was a niladri dream with Him..... to that feeeeel of being Him to the sight n feeeeeeeeeel of him with baaarish and all this to find someone playing priority around......

it def sounded on a good sound system like suddenly it was allllllllllllllll n much much more HIM that was rushing jumping skiing all of that n more through you !!!!!!!!!!!

like you could feel it in your heartbeat.....

rush back in and take a selfie.....

that neeeed to just put it up and you notice the bags around n stuff to that sudden thought cause it now seemed wrong putting it up as dp with him on your list.....

knowing him with, it just seemed wrong and then next ting he wouldnt even know its His that you were wearing if he sees it even.....

and you dodge the bags put it up anyway......

its this charlie youve always seen it just adds smthing to your face even with biggest face on planet it just adds that smthing be Him......

like it shows on your face like you may take a zillion selfies which you dont but whoo hotaaa nai uskaaaa kuch pehno live that vibe of being Him and it like always transforms you away just like that !!!!!!!!!!!

in a second !!!!!!!!!!!!!

even looking at it now, khushi i tell you you dont need big things.... you just gotta find your real happiness in life like you know know it in your heart ki bas this is it, this is what this is who what means the real khushi to you in life.... rest all are things you just flow in life with, like you know the add ons and not the THE khushi !!!!!!!!!

HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being Him...

first the moment when you just wanted to wear smthing anything Him.....

cause a start like that one to the day today it was that need to live him feel him more from those days.....

feel his love more......

and when you miss that part of missing him the only way it sort of makes up for his absence makes you allows you to live n feel his love for you from back then is by wearing smthing Him....

and past few months you couldnt wear cause of the weight gain....

today you try his blue kurta that he had got for you from bombay....

and it fits nd more importantly fits you that loose.....

it was a moment ultimate happiness cause since the weight gain the only thing that was troubling you that bad was his clothes werent fitting you anymore.....

and today to see it fit that fine you fix it yourself.....

as you put those extra sticthes at the back that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful feeeeeeeeel of the similar moment back then....

when he asks you to try it on and you come out with it fitting you oversized almost and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he still had that khushi on his face ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one face he used to make every single time you wear smthing anything that he wanted you to and stand before him......

THAT one face like all of that love for you on the inside just popped outside all over his face kinda beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful !!!!!!!!!!!!

like you could just seeeeee it in him charlie..... like suddenly that one most beautifully happy one breathing on this planet i say !!1

and then nods saying tuu ittti patli hai ree my gf is a size small aishaaaa......

SMTHINGS YOU WRITE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lil fractions of Happiness...

you dont need much to be really happy like you know know in the heart kinda happy.....

and for you toh its that much more tiniest like the lilst of Him in ways that you longed to see him to live him to feel his presence to feel his love to live his love to just be with him !!!!

is all that takes that can sort of land you in the happiest of worlds.....

it was one of those kinda days today....

when the start itself was this beautiful and almost magic like....

when youve had a day like this one and you that baaaaaadly want to write it out and the net dosnt seem to work fine with dcing beech beech mein and you call the net guy and they are not allowed inside the premises for the same reason....

its that sudden feeeeeeeeeeeeel of what now how now....

smthings you writeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooo yaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mostly in situations like these google is second best help....

google it out on the fone and it works better.....

smthings i tell you when you sit down to actually fix the wire yourself watching some video is whennnnnnnnn you know how much how veryyyyy much did the day today mean t oyou !!!!!!!!!

Priorities.....

its like when you are low or just bout okay you sort of tend to pull towards the tiniest amount of happiness that you manage to find to get through what you are going through....

today was one of those days....

and the state of mind today, you can almost feel the heart smiling...

cause it was one of those zillion trillion godddddzillion of moments things that you wanted to do with him, even be it for the dream bhi you did live it......

this prolly was the second time you had a similar dream like this one !!

Peace in moments....

with so much going on and the negativity and deaths that come around.....

there are moments things that you look for peace in... like you know try smthing new do smthing anything like His fav tee had the word on.....

it is for real....

there are moments any moment when you feel that peace in..... like suddenly there is that much peace that you suddenly are filled with....

its different from the noise to that sudden calm....

be it after the dream the waking up and you just lay there still looking to  that corner of the pillow and still picture him there with that smile n nod of his.....

there is that difference....

you sure knew that was a weird dream that dint make any sense cause knowing him he is not never the chasing or coming after kinds.....

you wouldnt but even if you did he is never the kinds who would actually come after like he would stay with what he felt for you and not come after.....

like you know the difference the reality and yet some moments just do that to you......

like that real that beauuuuuuuuuuutifully real like he was jsut there secs back and then you just lay there continuing picturing him there and just be.....

there is that beautiful calm in moments like these....

or the calm that comes with words smtimes.....

this post on one of your most loved pages that goes nobody can love you as fiercely as i do.....

smthing on the similar lines.....

again smthing that he did tell you the almost same thing at his versova place....

in that meet....

between the moment the way he just stops and holds your face and tells you looking you in the eye nobody can care for you love you the way i do.....

remember this !!

and today as you read those words that echo of his voice that rush of that moment very face and expression of his from that moment the way it wasnt jus bout the moment but like he was telling you to make you realize......

again when you now dont feel like writing bout that meet anymore specifically and yet moments like these.....

you just cant help !!!!!!

even now this feeeeeling as you still write and relive that meet.....

smthings !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Missing Him in the random...

from that dream that weird feeling again it left you with !!

its that thing charlie like you do smthing cause it feels right or dont do it....

and then there is this that has always been this way right from the start.....

anything he says or does is all to you !!

even in that moment as it keeps playing on loop on your mind everytime you blink the walk with Him.... when he asks you to just get off and come with him....

with your hand in his.....

its not bout treating god like or made superior kinda thing.... who andaaar se heee aisa function ho jaaata when it comes to Him....

its like with him bout him it all gets on automode inside of you..... like it all happens on its own with a flow of its own...

you have no control over it.....

it just happens.....

to that moment when you see your hand in smbody else even be it in the most random n casual of ways it just felt weird.....

you dint want all this importance attention from anybody else but Him.....

like that moment and the way it made you feel in that moment to those moments of feeling you are being stared at while you talk smthing random too was all definitely not feeling like being just friends.....

maybe it was the whole realization of not being cared or even thought of in a situation like this one that got you..... but soon eventually did land you in where you felt what you always felt like.....

when walking back that feeeeeling too why would you still feel all this this way this whole vibe that moments like these come up as if you were at fault doing smthing you shouldnt be.... like how do you still belong to someone who to say the least is disturbed disgusted even by your mere presence in any which way possible.... even the sense of you makes him run away !!!!!!

like how do you still belong to someone who dosnt want you to be there !!!!!!!!!

today in that moment initially when you jsut sit down at the lawn area for a bit as it smelled the most rains in that area and the more Him as you take deep breaths there.....

and you watch these lil bugs walking in a row and yash starts off saying smthing how they were ganging up and you get on with it by saying it was a troop headed somewhere lilke some random conversation and again with random laughs over it and that same instance it all stop with those beauuuuuuuutiful echoes of his voice of his adoooooooooorable chuckle.....

shut your eyes.....

at the gym stairs and there were theese pigeons that would keep flying shitting around....

and the way he keep slooking up saying how there was this one pigeon that was consipiring against him and was going to shit on his head any moment and that troubles him that adooooooooorable bad that he keeps moving his bum a lil there a lil closer to you..... and then look at you with that one smileeeeeee as with every move he keeps coming closer to you.....

there was this habit of his back then to flick away a sheet of news paper for you just before getting down for coffee with you at the stairs....

just so you could sit on it cause the steps outside used to be dirty and you didnt want the dirt marks on th ebum after you get off also why you used to sya a no to not go there and then he comes up with this just so you could be with him.....

that day tooo him moving a lil more closer and still worried bout the pigeon shit abobe and you get off and hold the newspaper over his head and try to fold it in a way it like it sits cap like over his head..... and the waaaaaay he just looks at you through the process cause then your hands that close to his face and him still looking at your hands and you......

to just live that feeeeeeeeeeeling being looked at by him and you stop focusing on the sheet and lost in Him....

when finally the shit takes place over your hand....

it was those random moments random most conversations bout one piegon being the master of all n who directing n intructiong the plan to shit over his head......

today in that moment when you were laughing at yashs joke there were echoes of His voice flowing through you..... like all  you could hear was Him.....

moments like these make you realize all this while you dint want someone to pay attention to you someone  to make you feel visible like you exist someone to make you realize your worth like you matter your presence matters, it wasnt someone to fill up these, it was Him......

again the same thing maybe one of the many things but most important one of all that made you love him all the more.... the way he valued your presence your worth in his life.... the way he respected you.....

respect charlie, is not bout how polite or nice you are.....

respecting someone is also bout respecting valuing someones presence in your life knowing their worth and place in your life and treating them that way.....

the first man in your life being your dad was smthing you always grew being mistreated as then brother who was away as much as he was there for in life.... and then it was Him and the only man that really actually made you realize what and how it was to feel and being respected for in life.....

to value someone in your life and not just love them.... cause loving it still easy, but to value someone to know someones worth in your life takes much more than just loving them...

much much more.....

and that definitely is also more important than just being loved.....

The dream...

def one of the first kinds and smthing that sort of gave a lil glimpse of future, what couldve been kinda future....

when the reality or the reality of the dream gets stranger than stranger things i tell you.....

this is what happens when you see the complete series getting shit fcking scared and the end episode that badly ruins it out by giving out that weird silly stuff vibe !!

sooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhh similar vibe this dream had.....

when it starts off with you that lost and the way it ends and wakes you up with an even more cimplicated state of mind....

you are sitting with this big havan sort of thing before you those mantras and chants echoing and look beside you there was some guy with face blurred out but the feels you sure knew it wasnt Him....

you were getting married to that guy.....

again whoo hota nai there are things you think through the day or maybe have that thing on your mind and then it appears when you are asleep....

marriage getting settled in life is smthing that dosnt not even in the randomest of thoughts or situations ever crosses your mind...... you definitely missed having someone to be with you to share with you someone that makes you feel like you EXIST that you are visible and for real.... someone who values your presence your worth in their life kinda thing......

and then here you were getting married and you keep looking at the one beside you with that feeel in your heart running inside of you you are ruining your life you ar efcking it up.... you shouldnt be here.....

like all through those chants you keep looking to your side with that weird feeeeel in you and keep shutting your eyes reliving Him through those few mins.....

and you suddenly hear people talking around smthing whispers loud whispers around and you look up and see Him walking towards you....

before you know He was there that close to you pushing people away around you and comes close to you and says zaraaa uth thooo baat karni hai and holds your hand and you just get off just like that still looking n again lost in Him.... and him walking with you holding your hand takes you away from the place where you were and just walks with you saying maloom it took me so many people to push to reach you and makes you sit in his car saying zaraa baith thoo baat karni hai.....

and you do as said sitting and then drives away playing his music and you still lost in Him.....

living Him that close to you suddenly like you dont say a thing neither does he and just plays his music and drives away with that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully familiar smile of His.....

it was only with the smile do you realize what he just did without even sayign a word...

still looking at him and he turns looks at you with that nod that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful nod like now are you okay that he corrected smthing to that one smileeeeeeeeeeeeeee again and that adooooooooooooooorably says howliii ups the volume and you wake up as the song changes on your Beret playlist playing......

first thing like always look to your side still looking for him and then just stay that way reliving Him from that moment with that nod n smile from the dream......

its that thing charlie that youve now got used to like its the only person that fits in the space inside of you or outside and beside you.....

its that one frame that is fixed for life now.....

and you just cant replace with another someone like that place or your hand in somebody elses is smthing you cant just cant feel see visually live like it just feels like its not in the right place.....

there are  things that cant possibly change with situations having changed or for that matter the person Himself having changed.....

when you realize !!

there are things you know already that very well bout yourself.....

and then there are moments that just sort of pause for a bit where evrything around just stops abrubtly not the good kind of stop but the weird kinda stop.....

today out for a walk and it was one of the most beautifully glorious of evenings today with the air and smell in the air and with that feeeeeel of his dream still on your mind it all felt that different.....

with yash walking around and one turn and you were walking a lil ahead of yash and suddenly he just holds your hand asking you to take a look at smthing.....

that was the stop moment that was the moment you just stopped looked a lil behind yash standing there pointing towards smthing still saying smthing you just looking at him standing there and all those flashes of Him holding your hand watching Him stand beside you living those kinda moments with Him rush through you.... then you look at your hand in his and that feeeeeeeeeeling to just see your hand in an unknown unbelonged to kinda territory....

yash looks back at you calls your name out and then shakes your hand asking you if you were okay..... comes a lil close and that was when it all starts to break frame after frame.....

your mind the illusion that you were sort of liking cause it made you live Him.....

and you just nod and try to walk away and thats when yash sounding worried comes after you asking if you were okay and you just stop and tell him you werent feeling too well and had to head back home.... and he insists on walking back with you and tell him not to.....

the walk back home coming back home and in your room it made you realize n want to change things again......

its that thing charlie you dont wanna treat someone the way youve been treated like you know cause you know how that feels like and thats what you dont wouldnt want anybody else to feel like....

be it this moment today or the moment from the dream yesterday or day before it was cause you dreamt the same similar thing almost twice.... did serve like an eye opener almost !!

like you know make you see realize smthing you couldnt !!

Too many things !!

one of those nights when theres too much on your mind too many things to share too many things to write out and also when you donnooo shuruu kahaa se karnaa....

and if you can really get your mind out and then be okay to read it after writing it out.....

beauty of the nites you somehow can never get over or get used to .....

specially after it has been rained on !!

again the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay every rain leaves you with !!!!!!!!!

waaaaaaaaaaaay tooooo much of Him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like as it is theres that much him rushing through you and then there are the rains..... it all gets that much more beautifully worse and beautiifully different.....

whoo hota nai charlie ekdum seee it takes all of you every bit of you to another level only.....

with every drop of rain you relive all those rains that you missed Him with..... its that different the waaay they just replay before you as you live the rains.....

it just gets different now with every rain.....

this state of mind you sometimes you dont wanna write out and also this strange need to write this very state of mind.....

hoping it gets a lil better....

experiences charlie they tell you a lot, things you dint know would feel like things you werent sure would feel like or this is how and what you really were looking for....

they leave with a lesson with a read chapter that you somehow were looking for through the pages...... when you know you are rambling around but pata nai why or what this state of mind you jsut donnoooo how to write out......

it feels ajeeb later on a lil more lunatic with every time you post something like this....

to dream this way to feel things this way to still go and live this way !!!!!!!