HIMYUMMMM!!!!!

 Said it before can say it over another zillion times more there’s nothing in the world that makes you this heart happy the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay anything him does the waaay this waaaaaaaaaaay his face does !!!!!!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa one face one hoooman in the world you loooooooooooooove waking upto like the first thing place face you see with still sleeepy himhighdddd eyes THIS feeeeeeeeeeeling right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Perks of chorofying moms phone and sleeping wit it for the same morning intention on mind to see him first thing you see as you wake up……..

Ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa how only for how long only youve wished this moment to happen for real like you turn wake up and this very face very him still beside still sleeeping and you living that beauuuuuuuty awaaaay!!!!!!!!!

Dekhaaaaaa haiiii aiseeee bhiiiii kisssssikooooo aiseee heeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Youday!!!!!

 It was a very heart happy Youday today!!!!!

Ever since that moment to having to go out to pick a few things for home coming home first thing making the martini heading for the shower all this while like that one visual of him on loop in your mind no matter what you were doing where you weee the waaaaaaay it felt like revisiting the him from back then……

All those moments of living that side of him living him that way to just recalling those times and this feeeeel all the more where did he go ekdum se……

Like all day post noon you’ve been smiling away reliving him from back then details of him his sound for that matter his voice saying certain things in his own specific style some words some sentences just calling you out or getting that adoooorably mad at you sound of him sleeping sound of his whisper it’s like lilst of things bout him rushing through you…

Picture can do things away to your mind and HOW!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaay he looks adoooooorabke too and that sexyyyyyyyyy too both and all at once!!!!!!!!

HIM!!!!!!!

 Late waking up the first thing usual routine go take a round in the balcony just stay there for a bit drinking water his style first thing before brushing and go find your moms phone and first thing to live him……

Today that one circle of love circling and the waaaaaaay that instant rush of jump he is here he is here jump scream inside of you to think of it now like he actually was there for real cause that’s HOW BAAAAAAD youd been missing him lately……so you alone know what that meant to you hit it and there he was with tat friend of his that you’d bumped that many times at Hnm and traffic too……months back this one time kids section you were just passing by and this pull on your jeans at the bottom and check there was this boy kid and the way the mom comes saying something and you look at her it was the same one she smiles checks you out you checking out her how tiny she was and that first thing to look around her if at all IF AT all he was there too…….

The same one today in that picture but the main being him in that blue n white striped shirt this one is more navy striped that one from gym first shirt on him was more a lighter blue tone……

This shirt closest sure he wore it on your birdyhay too post bup when he takes you on a long drive not going there cause if the things it does to your mind away…….just before it went all wild and mad there was this moemnt soon as you get in the car after a min or two on the road the waaaaaay he just looks at you stil driving and looks over his shoulder that was your call now you could go closer and the first thing to literally run to him over his shoulder and you smell his scent and the waaaaaaaaay it brings everything him back from the start…….

And the way he says watching you smell him he had the shirt on since morning and it’s been a long day and stuff and you just tel him you loved the way he was smelling and that chuckle of his calling you howli…….

He still had a fresh spray of fragrance somehow but the notes of his scent the way it did bring back everything him that very moment too!!!!!

Soooooo yaahhhhh this picture the way he had the shirt on his style all open and you literally eyeing living looooooving every detail of his zooming him away his lower lip goatee from back then it’s just him charlie from back then and that feeeeeeeeeel even right now!!!!!!!

To that realisation of him being an absolute ladies man like any girl woman in the world could would feeel the safest with him like there’s no other place more safer than having him by your side kinda vibe he was!!!!!!

Pictures do this to you nai seeing him from back then cause he also mentions bout being a decade old kinda thing his face from back then having lived that many times touched felt kissed adooooooored looooooooved!!!!!!

They do this to you nai bring back evrythung just like that places corners inches you’ve lived loooved to so just feeeeeling everybody to anybody that absolutely lucky luckiest to be able to breathe the same air as him to live him to talk to him to hear him to have him for real in their life to any form of his presence to just have him in their life in any which way possible…….to have him want to talk to them to have him want them in his life, prolly the biggest most luckiest feel nai…

Scent of him…

 Out of the shower now this has become a ritual now being summer two two times and in the evenings also first thing put this fragrance on and the waaaaaaaaaaay it feels like laced away with everything EVERYTHING him!!!!!!!

Like being wrapped in his red blanket kinda vibe…!

Even now this feeeeeeeeeeeel the waaaaaaay it takes back to every single moment lived with him to that one moment of realising how much the same scent meant to him too…

When you stop using it after sometime because there was very lil left of it and you wanted to save it as it is cause it was still is al HIM for you…the waaaaay the scent now feels like more of his scent cause of the waaaaaays it brings him along!!

And one day you just felt like using just a lil bit must have been lilst drop of spray and you get in the car and the waaaaaaay he first thing closes his eyes and lives that feeeeeel…….comes a lil closer to your ear and smells you again and that very moment opens his eyes looking you in the eye asks you in that beauuuuuutiful low tone but super happy tone of or his voice asking you this is the same one tu pehle lagati thi na in our initial days…….and the waaaaaaaaay you were shocked by it like you remember it was still out out of your house still on the street and you kiss him tight and the way he stops you pushes you by your shoulder and asks you again tell no it’s the same one na and you just nod cause you already were that high on him seeing his expressions that happy face the way he was closing his eyes again and smelling you again and plays a fink track that very second and then starts off the car…

To him the way that scent brought all those start memories back and fink music too was one of the major contributions in that!!!

This very moment smelling you off is like living that scent of him and this mind right now!!!!!!

Had to had to wear this psychic his psychedelllllic version of t shirt and super sleepy but this him highdddddddddss you are today!!!!!!!!

It’s just that feeeeeeeel charlie when you can feeeel your heart smiling on the inside cause ever since that one picture of his today ayyaaaaaaaaa this poor lil heart of yours feeeeeeling things away jumping away to this lostness too!!!!!!!

Had to had to save this feeeeeeel right now of his scent right now away on you!!!!!!

Heart smiling viiiiibe!!!!!!

Sunday eyes!!!!!!

 When your Sunday eyes are on a different high only today to just realising is it even normal to feel a shot of healthy jealousy even after more than a decade!!!!!!

Specially when he looks that sexy with that same shirt vibes!!!!!!!

Like it’s been constant loop on your mind ever since having seen him with this feeeeeeel of boss mera thoooo Sunday ban Gaya and HOW!!!!!! 

But still to just realise this is it even normal!!!!!!!  

To remember!!

 Fine line between magic and horror and before you could even realise it slightly turned horrri and now done with it like ditto bachpan mein struggle to get off the couch turn the lights off and head to your room in dark…….

One dilemma or to wait for it to be brighter morning just so you can get in your room to sleep without being this almost scared to turn off the lights now…….

Something’s nai something’s only!!

Self talk mode mind diversion mode not happening slightest bhi!!!!!!

It’s all fun till it gets to turning the lights off and walking to your room!!!!!

That’s one daredevil task to complete I say!!!!!!

Documenting this here just soooo you remember the next time when it gets borderline horror bhi……!

Magic!!!!

 Another one of those things you watch and the very first thought he would love it too cause he did love son pari as a kid!!!!!!

It’s almost like reading a book chapter by chapter with all things magic…

Also the times when you miss your only best friend ever the most MOST!!!!!!!

This mind off late feeling ajeeber than before missing him away realising how it’s truly been!!!!!!!!!!!

Becoming…!

 Becoming someone you love subconsciously is prolly the most beautiful aspects of growing…

Drinking martini in a vodka glass instead of a balloon glass cause as he used to say when pairing ravioli with mirchi ka Saalan ravioli ku thodi maloom padta pet mein jaane ke baad sab ghulmil jaate…..same same martini ku thodi maloom unee vodka glass mein…….

Also his way of getting high and then craving for something sweet as dairy milk you almost high on martini not finishing and craving something seeet also that rhymes with chippy skippi bachpan ka fav kaala khatta gola dupe…

Not close but pretty close after daaaru…….

Lilst moments of him coming like these how did you even land here missing him this bad how did you even land here with his absence for THIS long……..

HOW!!!!!!!!!

Moments!!

 There’s always something a black vento passing by that makes you skip your loudest heartbeat every single time for years now!!!!!!!

Any black vento!!

Every single DAMN time it’s this feeeeeel of skipping the beat…something’s you can never grow used to no matter what!!

Mornings!!!!!!

 Be it the dream seconds back or now as you are up your phone does the strangest thing by showing this one in and as your recent photos feed…

This feeeeeeeel right now this insync with the feels recent nights he was THAT close…

Like even seeing right now again as you write he was really THAT close and the way it doesn’t even feel real like one dream with the distance all these years….

Suddenly you don’t even know what to what!!!!!!!!!

Like he was right there and suddenly!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like you could touch him hold him your leg THAT close to his his hands right there HIM right there!!!!!!!!!

Morning highs to lowest evenings!!

Moments!!!!

 Not sure if it was the loooiooongest day of the decade or the HIIT training you’ve been trying lately could barely keep the eyes open and this moooood you already in playing his music lights out but something on tv playinf and the waaaaaaaaaaay you feeeeeel him bring his face closesssssst to yours like he literally pushes your face with his in a way trying to make space on the cushion for his face too……and that feeeeeel of his hand over your waist as he tries to hold you and you wake up but you were already up but stil you wake up……..that one pull that one feeeeeeeeeel touch sense scent of him…

Change the track play the one again and not sure if you were asleep or what you feeeeel him again seconds back same exact ditto way again and only this time doesn’t just hold you but grabs you like he used to back then rough but that feeeeeel of him wanting you to be closer to him…….

And now you just had to open both your eyes out now now to write this moment out ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it’s not just your mind your heart your insides but every bit and inch of you the waaaaaaaays it craves for him………

How only what only !!!!!!!!!

This fweeeeel right now to hold him for real not just hold chummi eat his face not just his face chummi eat all of him for real like now NOW NOW!!!!!!    

Himviiiiiiiiiibed!!!!!!

 This mind this mooood right now even writing it out now like you wish you could just be somewhere on your own away from everything else play all his music and just be feeeeeling living him away on your mind!!!!!!

Like it’s even showing on your face in your eyes today this Himvibed today start already!!!!!!!!!!!

Like today tho it was heights!!!!!!!

When you wake up with the cutest dream possible living his kid version with your own kid version could be cause of too much Rick n morty till you fall asleep lately!!

There was him in his kid version playing with some gun at a distance and in this he was wearing a navy again collared r shirt with shortest white chaddis and playing with the gun and you go running to him wearing some white frock which you do ask your mom soon as you are up which was your fav dress bachpan mein and she says anything white you loved…..

And that andar wali khushiii soon as she says it knowing you just wokeup to living that version of you with him…

Aooooo yaaaaah as you go running to him he without turning around just holds your hand takes you to some few steps ahead ther was this big giant man standing there and as you try to step back the waaaaaay he holds onto your hand tightest turns around and there he was exactly like his bachpan version looking his adooooooooooorabke best ayyyaaaaaaaaaa suchaaaaaaaaaa doll he looked like bachpan mein too……and smiles that teeethy smile of his and just takes you forward asking you to walk along with him…..you were few steps ahead and then before you make sense there was some water over you from up and he stands behind saying it didn’t fall on him…

And you ask him but kyaaa tha ye and he in that kid adoooorable tone of his voice just like he used to talk to lucky in same tone and sometimes with you too pouting his lips away says it was growth water…and jumps in a way mad at why it didn’t fall on him and you take some off you and try to rub it over his hands and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he looks down at your hands rubbing it over his arms and that very same second the visual goes to in his car him touching your arms freshly waxed arms he would call it…the way he would always swipe one finger across your arm just looking at the arm with that one smile on him………it was beauuuuuuuuuutiful charlie the way that moemnt from this moemnt seamless it felt like you don’t know why what it even meant but never had this kind of him moemnt before!!!!!!!! Even writing it now this feeeeeeel of him!!!!!!!

It was only when you wake up do you realise no wonder elder than him so that was the logic…….

To your mom telling you bout the white frock love bachpan mein too!!!!!!

And you just had to get in the stretch before as it helps in body recovery faster before and after workout stretch his logic which you tried today before stretch also cause the mind actually just wanted to feeeel him right from the start itself…

Get in the workout with the chilarest tracks to this one song in the badahah list which wasn’t even badshah track and the second it plays you were doing lunges with weights in your hand and the waaaaay it makes you stop right there close your eyes and tat very moment from opera with this very same song playing in his car rushes through you keep the weights down…..head to the phone to check which one it was and fashion it was back then it used to play a lot on tv too…..

This very moment start of the track the waaaaaaay he would always stop the car look at you for a moment play some track still looking you in the eye and that one smile and then come over to your side……..and even whilst you were stil saying something bout him playing a Hindi track for the first time there he just goes on with the kiss and then moved away Annd tells you ever since he heard this track a day before he had been wanting to live that sound with you at opera…….and goes on with it!!!!!

The song was done something else plays and he stops in between moves a lil away plays the track again……

It was that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him to just seeee him live him that way live that love of his that way ayyyaaaaaaaaa this heart even right now…….

Like you couldn’t finish the set even and fataaak se move to the himversions……

And that one move with side stretch in one L angle and that feeeeeeel of his hand holding your face with just one hand and then slowly slipping over to the neck and the waaaaaaaay it makes you move….which also was always the first thing he would do hold your one side of the face with one hand from under the ear and just look you in the eye and slowly slip it over the neck……..

It was that beauuuuuuuuutifulku strong today that very same exact feeeeeeel of him the same way like he used to!!!!!!

And the more you are writing now this rushhhhhhhh and the way it again is making you geeel right now!!!!!!

How much missing is too much missing!!!!!!!!!!

MAGIC!!!!!!

 The only ever Hindi song he played on loop at opera like the way he would stop in between move away to play the same song again and then put it on loop…….

How do you even finish the workout or go back to the workout anymore!!!!!!!!

This feeeeeeeeeeel right now THIS much him suddenly like a woooooooosh biggest wave just swept you off and aaay and HOW!!!!!!!

Of all the Hindi songs mix playing finishing the workout and this track plays not knowing which movie it was even from and the waaaaaaaaybyou are immediately fataaaak se back to opera in that very moment with him over you…

Moving a lil away smiling away saying one sec plays the song again!!!!!!!

SOMETHINGS!!!!!!!!!!

To live!!

 Just when you are living this him trip from today or for now living him in details of his things and one of your model friend sends you this message quote kinda thing bout love…

Relating it to the word post you posted the best and easiest way to stay in love for life and wake up excited bout the one you are in love with no matter how many years it’s been is to stay obsessed bout them as you did on the first day of love…

That never was too difficult for you!!

Ever since the first time you have always been in awe of him anothe way of obsessing a much softer version beautofuller version…

Like always been in awe of him the entirety of him anythung him to everything him like adore him awe of him walks talks smiles smokes moves stays still anything at all and it used to be as of though you are just living a piece of art living away every detail of his…and every time finding something new than before!!

No wonder even when meeting him everyday the next day too you had that feeeeel of being in awe of him…

To years later now even in his absence, happens even now…

With every dream every moment every minute detail like in your bag right now still in awe of him!!!!!!

Something’s nai fall this insync when the initial thing was to change the bag bas but here you are now living that adooooorableness of him string of memories along that this one picture of his brought along!!

Moments!!!!!

 Changing bags every single time this one thing!!!!

Lilst of him things that you’ve got to have in any change of bag……..

And you just sit and go through each one of those that beauuuutifully holding some memory of his…

His jute is cute lil wallet that he saved for you in blue his picture in your other wallet his bubble maker gift for you from the signal to the fragrance now…….

It was like a him day today almost…!

Heart happy!!!!!

 It all started with this looooooooove for scent of Him...

To loving the scent of cigarettes again because of him to this one fragrance you used to use back then Carolina Herrera NYC which after was discounted today after all these years when you notice that same fragrance after more than a decade first sniff of it and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa all those memories of Him..........

When you come back home this heart happy and this very moment opening the pack again soon after shower spraying it too many cause the way it feels like being laced with all things Him right now...

And this very moment you just had to HAD TO write out scream out this very feeeeeeeeeeel of him rushing through!!

Scent of him...!

BIG wishes!!

 Blood flow!!!!!!

He rushes flows through and with your blood flow...!

The waaaaaaay the heart is making these big BIG wishes away right now soon as you are up now........

Him in that black shirt every single time the waaaaaaaaay it leaves your heart and all of you feeeeeeeeelijg away is beyoooopoooooooond you!!!!!!!

To see him for real right now to just see him for real the same way in that black shirt to just touch him this same way in that same shirt to hold him right this same way to kiss him this same way to do everything this very same way to him in that shirt things you shouldn't be writing but this rush this want right now this rushing right now that just needs to be done to feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel him just like this for real everything for real not just in the dreams to want him like this for real everytime you are up too........to wanting to hold things again even after waking up ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa this heart right now!!!!!!!!!

The waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he came this morning not wanting to move away not wanting to leave the waaaaaaaaay he was just holding that much missing in him for you that THAT bad like you could feeeeeel it in his hands in his arms in his lips the waaaaaaay he was just moving around over all of him screaming it away to you to that nod of his just when some sound he hears the way he was nodding it was your alarm him nodding ion that moment asking you not to reach out to shut it......that one moment was almost magic with him nodding that sexxxxxxiiiiiiiily looking you in the eyes with no smile but just that signature nod of his and the sound was disturbing your view mood and flow of him......the second you look for it to stop you wake up!!!

That one sound of his voice from back then adooooray screaming at you karely boleto sunti nai tu........

This rush right now still those visuals of him still rushing through this feeeeeeeel it's still giving you making you feeeeeel away this this RUSH right now the waaaaaaaaay this mind is this himhighdddddd right now.....

How do you even step out of the room right now this him HIM rushing through you right now the waaaaaaay his skin his arms his shoulders yu can still feel that feeeeeel of him on your hands it's this waaaaaaay that it's making y9u feeel........from that THAT much him seconds back to now this!!!!!!

This big wish big wishes the heart is making on loop right now!!!!!!!'

Nights!!!!!

 This realisation now suddenly when you feel like this by end of the day specially at nights where you’d been wanting to write out these moments and then it comes down to playing these tracks eyes shut feet up glass of water topped with lots of ice……lights out candle lit and just be with the sound and the loop of him playing as you keep your eyes closed!!!!!

It’s only today when you realise despite of this want to write that much him it’s not happening cause in the mornings you just wake upto him and are like super high on him still from the moment from the moments from the dream that you just want to write it all out!!!!

By the end of the day this missing creeping in piling up mutiplying throug the day and by the end of the day there’s this much him in you with this looowwww feeeeeeel as you kiss him when miss becomes kiss auto correct I say…..with these realisations of how long it’s been seen him for real touched him for real sniffed him for real kissed him held him too many things been too long to how long it’s been since the block has been there constant it’s like all of him suddenly this version flows through you…and you are lost yet again!!

Like right now this moooood blame it on the candle blame it on the sound or blame it on spending last hour or more reading his chats cause you miss hearing him hearing from him that bad……..also why when the other day dinner place with model friend for her granny’s birthday some partner of the restaurant kiddingly through some hydbadi Hindi conversation calls you begum pass the plate on something and you instead mention it’s Shriya…

Right then your mom calls take the call and head out with that feel of him again as you talk to mom opposite side mirror thing there was this reflection of a guy white r shirt white shoe and there he was…….the Hrithik track plays Ishq jaisa something like movies all scenes in sync like it was made for you…….hang up and that feeeeel of the razaakh back then where he would call you begum and only after growing closer still friends he asks you what did you think the term begum meant and you tell him it was for a woman in hydbadi Hindi and he nods away that beauuuuuuutifullu on the gym steps and tells you it’s actually for wife……

Leaves the conversation there switches to something else!!!!!

Only now do you realise it mostky means that but also as a woman but primarily for a wife…

That one chat your mind keeps going back to when he mentions bout wanting to be friends with you and the next day blocks you back…

That night when he mentions bout being friend you still were happiest cause somehow it still meant to have him least on your WhatsApp stil be able to talk sometimes or the way it felt was taking it again from the start him being Razakh miya again…

Been 4 years now for that block too!!!!!!

Again when you didn’t want to touch this flow of thought right now but the sound made you just want to write one line out and like always one something bout him and the waaaaaay rest of it all starts to flow…

No wonder the way he had always had this affect on you when the morning starts with him waking up just after having lived a night of moemnts with him having lived that gorgeous gorgeous beauty of him that all you wanna do is write him all out and now at this hour this missing this longing as it grows with the passing hour….where you sometimes watch something and the very next day don’t even remember what did you do when…just sometime back play the Ferrari movie and sometime after shut it and just be in this himmode cause the missing lately at this hour been hitting differently!!!!!

How only!!!!!!!

Waking ups!!!!!!!

 Waking ups like these when you feeeeeeeeeeel awaaaaaay live awaaaaaaaaaaay this much him now in your other most fav ting on him the deep burgundy not maroon actually and this you realise last night!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaaaaaay he looks all things love passion madness rawness gorgeousness everything BEAUUUUUUTOFUL in that tone!!!!!!!!

And the waaaaaaaaaay even feeeeling him over in that that one constant thing on your mind and the waaaaaaay he literally reads your mind as you just touch him and takes it off it’s the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay when he comes like this this mind as much as you were struggling lately last week post that drive to stadium zillion memories to holi yesterday and that waiiiiiit yesterday to see something of him to many other realisations…….and the waaaaaay he literally answers it all away this morning last night all of coming that way!!!!!!

There were these versions of the dream too much on mind right now and then to feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel him the way same way almost getting in the workout like you just had to inspire of a max rushed up day today ahead you just had to feeeeeeeel him and then to actually feeeeel him over the back neck this time over your face too………

Even writing it now this shivers and you just that bad want to write it all but also this day ahead need to tackle too many things at once……

And this one constant wonder how even with these many feeeeeeels of him highddddddddddddd you are on!!!!!

Like you can feeel it inside you this rush this feeeeeeeeel!!!!!!

Sing miyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaa how only like this HOW ONLY if he had the slighestestestestest idea I swear charloe!!!!!!!!!!

Ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one gorgeousness I swear!!!!!!!

Holi!!!!

 On some days it just hits differently nai........!

This day evrry single year this THIS feeeeeeeeel of him!!!!!!!!

HOW!!!!!!

 How do things like these even happen when he comes like THIS and actually leaves that mark of his presence on your skin exactly in that spot where he held you that way even after the waking up!!!!!

How could this be normal how could this even be possible!!!!!!!

The waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays he comes in that moemnt grabs you by your wrist as you were getting up to do something or something it was and the way he holds you and pulls you closer and you fall off the bed hitting your head that bad!!!!!

And that self talk mode soon as you realise what just happened kidhar girne ka kidhar giri nai like in your head you were going closer to him or falling on him the waaaaay he pulls you by your wrist but instead fall off the bed…..

Head still hurts this beautiful mark of him over your wrist still there……how still doesn’t make any sense!!!!!

But that meeed to get in the workout and then to feeeeeeeeeeel him again like this!!!!!!!!

It’s just beautiful gorgeous madness I say this mind right now this much him feeeels right now rushing through you!!!!!!

Like to literally feel his lips ovee can’t write want to write this one dilemma I say to feeeeel him that strongly that makes you shiver wilts doing some flow and that feeeeeeeel on the inside face all red cause that’s how strongly you felt him in that moemnt for few mins that constant feeeeel of him all over the back and that second you get off and check your back and that one memory recall from his Dd space…….

Get off getting on something and you had your back facing towards him and a lil side turn to check what he was at cause it was pin drop silence as seconds back he still talking something and the way he was just looking at you peeche and turn and him stilllooning you in the eye without a word and you go closer back to him sit the same way and the way he just touches one spot saying you have a mole here…….and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeel the waaaaaay his voice sounds the way he just touches feels it that feeeeeeeeeel be it back then or right now as you relive again now and write cause until he tells you that you didn’t even know you had one……

Today to feel him right there same spot and that Ned to check what were you that strongly feeeeelinf away the way it felt his lips then and see the spot and that very instance that rush of this moment with him…..

Last night too there was mud to write and galti se you slept off to actually living him THAT way again and this feeeeeeeeels now after moments post workout!!!!!!

Like how much missing actual mein is too much missing when it comes true after all this missing for real……

Like when like how!!!!!!!!!!!

Sooooo many moments so many wishes soooooooooo toooooo many dreams and moments to be lived!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this mind right now from happppy himhighddddd earlier to wild himhghddddddddddddd now!!!!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!

 To another moemnt of some accident on the other side of the road on your way back home from stadium and it looked bad just still looking at it and that sharp turn of the car you close your eyes and that feeeeeeeel of his hand over your face pulling you the other way just like he used to when you used to check some accident on drive and the waaaay he would hold you face screaming at you that adoooooooorably making you look away!!!!!

And that day when you feeeeeehis hand over your face and that feeeeeeeeeeel that very moment to runnnnnnn to him even not knowing where he was and actually mein you couldn’t but that feeeeeeeel of his hand over your face that very moment to feeeeeeel that you just know meant the world to you !!!!!!

To this other moment when some random guy actually walks past tapping at the front of the car as door se you see white shoe backpack like he used to back then to the gym and the waaaaaay it all felt movie scene like showing you the signs all around kinda vibe……

To this one moment when at the traffic stop on your way to the stadium was the ultimate visual magic in your waking state even writing it now the car stops right before the church before the gym place and suddenly you were right beside him on the left side of the car from your usual spot of right of the car……and you see him the him from today chuckling at you telling you howli with that smile after and then adds abhi bhi aisa dekhti tu gym ko I am here now……like he was laughing at your madness of still watching the gym spot even with him beside you now……..it was beauuuutiful it was absolute level of madness which you are well aware of how why you still donno but the waaaaaay that one visual one moemnt was that strong that strongly real like he was actually there like you were with him right there in that very moment and him pointing out how you were actually seeing that gym spot and missing him in his presence!!!!!

How you still donno!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaa even back then the way he actually did mention something similar like this spotting this really old couple at the gym on your way out with him they were just entering the gym and you were talking something and he abruptly stops you by holding your hand and showing you that couple saying I wanna grow old this way with you still wanting to go to the gym and wanting you to come along like this years after!!!!!

Something’s!!!!!!!!!

Every lil detail bout him every lil thing that he felt lived and made you feel made you love him all the more all over again……and this still happens charlie some moments some music some memory recall and the waaaaaaaaaay it still feels like falling inn love with him for the first time that first time rush that first time feeeeel in the stomach that first time sudden blush just thinking bout em gives you that sudden flushed face in the middle of nowhere just cause you thought bout them it still feeels like that!!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!

 Soooooo yahhhhh!!!!!!

That was your another first time with him of discovering what an app was and failing at understanding what an app was…….that auto too felt that special cause you were all smiling back home playing his music on your phone back then you used to download the tracks on your phone and listen to them…..reliving that feeeeel of him booking that auto for you him biting that cheek off just cause you refused to understand technology and the way he messages then itself not to share your number if they ask you for it saying you don’t have to do that and let me know once you reach home…

You as usual roaming around in the building just before heading back home cause you always needed that time to calm yourself down off the rush of him running through you before heading back inside cause it always showed on you HIM all over you every single time after meeting him….

And that day even after having texted you are almost home he calls you mins after and asks you you were still out and you tell him bout the process finally of calming yourself down off him was walking around sitting around for a bit before heading back home and the waaaaaaaay he chuckles over the phone and then again mentions it terku uthake leke chale jaati mein ekdin…….and that feeeeeeel every single time he used to say that!!!!!!

Like in your mind it was that scene of not even wanting any bag or anything just that very moment!!!!!!

Things you write things you relive the sound of him laughing at you the sound of him missing you in that very same sentence in that very same flow……..this night I tell you absolutely beautiful this mind this state of you right now relicing feeeeeeeling him away like this ayyaaaaaaaaaaaa how absolutefuckinglylucku did you really get in life for having found Him…!

Moments!!!!

 There were these moments on your way there on your way back from there random moemnts but that sudden feeeeeeel of him sudden rush of him that it filled you with!!!!

Be it on your way there this Uber auto right beside and that feeeeeeel of him when in those post bup meets after meeting him initially he dropped you back to another auto to the next time you on your own couldn’t find the auto back home for long and he asks you if you’d reached home and you tell him on your way there once home you text him back that you’d reached and he doesn’t reply back anything……

Only the next time when it was time for you to head home he takes his phone pulls your jeans pulling you closer to him as he was still on the bed and you were standing taking your phone off the charger and he pulls you closer by your jeans and shows you on his phone this app that you could book auto on and you tell him you didn’t know these things and he calls you noob and looks you in the eye after very long nai and that feeeeeeeeel again back in time like he did remember that so well…….and you still don’t understand bout the app and he then mentions last time you’d reached late nai because you couldn’t find one seekh re howli and shows again and again you don’t understand the simple step now of downloading an app from the play store…

It’s that feeeeeeeeeeel that day he doesn’t say a word then and didnrember the next time you come to see him and you keep postponing to leave and tell him next auto leti not this one not wanting to leave him and the way he pushes closer to the door saying areee they will block my number off and I won’t be able to use this service again and you conclude saying see this is why I don’t like these things…..and you should’ve seen him in that very moment charlie the way he literally comes running few steps closer to you and literally bites off your cheek away that was his way of saying he loved you……something’s you write in past tense and this feeeel now this very moment!!!!!!!!

A love like that!!!!!

 On your way there too there was this state of mind of different beautiful feels charlie!!!!!

When there’s so much heartbreak relationship marriage break all around you you hear these stories from people around how they were treated and stuff and this one feeeeeeeel of him you are so so filled with……

Of having loved him most importantly loved by him in a time like that one too where there was no WhatsApp or any of these fancy things Internet lifestyle like these nothing at all……it was a time of listening to Bollywood chillar somgs at home on tv in the evenings and sometimes he wouldn’t call or tell you he was coming come home stay outside and listen to your music choices and then call you singing away the same song and you run to the dooor knowing he was right outside and him that adooooooorabky chuckling away looking at you and singing the song along as it was playing…….to those late nights of sneaking over your terrace with no chat options back then or seeing him over Skype and he would just come by after a call of too much missing and the waaaaaaaaaay he looked all things LOVE adoooooorabke sleepy eyes sleep written all over his body too with those tiniest chaddis messy hair and him for the first time when in those chaddis looking at you tells you change nai Kara mein and tries to pull it a lil lower and you nod asking him not to……as he sits down pulls you closer and sleeps on your lap and you tell him how he had sexier legs unlike yours…….and that feeeeeewwweeeel of him when he would just hold your leg closer to him like holding all of you trying to sleep on your lap……

And sometimes it used to be those almost opera moments there but when him being sleepy it was just him holding you wanting to sleep on your lap and sleep talking telling you you are my mommy only my mommy holding you closer…..

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this heart lives that biggest sigh possible right just reliving him from that exact moment he was right here on this lap running your fingers through his hair feeling his face away sniffing the scent of his hair away and just living that LOVE of yours like ultimate LOVE I swear!!!!!!

Every inch of him every sound of him including his hummi every to any detail of him ABSOLUTE LOVE!!!!!!!

The stadium!!!!!

 

The THE stadium…

 How many times will it be too much or just enough for this one place…….

Cause it definitely was the start of it all place cause even back then the way he just knew how important was it for him to spend that time with you for you to realise what he actually meant to you in your life…cause until then it was just being very good friends…….

Again where any other route even today no matter how many times you e been around you always forget the right route to some places but his places just know……

This one find of straight road to the temple goes through the chai wali galli and as and when there just looking around picturing him there taking chai cups and you living that beauuuuuuuty of him sitting in the car under the evening golden street lights ask to slow down the speed in that galli cause your mind was living him in corners there…….

To that route to the stadium and that one feeeeeeel every single time there just this time you see that road they had it locked with a gate where he used to take the car around and park it much ahead of these temples cause these temples used to be the backdrop to that view where he used to park the car……like you stand there live that moment of him driving across the lane and finally enter the temple there was just one random guy with nobody around as it was late noon ask the driver to stand by close not too close to your stadium view spot just a lil far off around to keep an eye…

Sit there play his music and that feeeeeeeeeeeel this time of holding yourself just sitting there……..

All of those moemnts memories from being there the first time him standing beside without saying a word hours his phone your phone in the car ringing and the way he was smiling away by the way you weren’t answering your ghar ke calls just cause of the waaaaaaaay he just felt beside charlie it was beauuuuuutiful that first time feeeeeel of how you for the first time wanted to be close to a guy like distance wise it didn’t scare you like there was that need to be just a lil closer to where he was standing beside you with both your backs resting over his car……some music playing in his car and you just stand there and that moemnt where you take step closer to be beside him and he just looks at you in the eye and the waaaaaaaaay it felt like he just held all of you literally and smiles that lil smile and looks down at the distance between you and him…

After when you get back in the car the way he raises his eyebrows asking in a way what’s up what’s happening and then touches your hand showing you your bangles and says something bout it like Kareena style or something and he actually liked how you even had a faded bangle but made your wrist looked pretty…

Needless to say you still have that one bangle in your treasure chest of him things!!

To those first times of him chummi eating up your nose away to the first time moemnts to the first and thankfully the only time being caught by cops……

To those late evenings there chilly winter evenings sitting on the temple steps sometimes leaning over his shoulder watching that view with that sound of the temple bells at the backdrop and rest of it that beauuuuutiful quiet…..and this lil stole thing softest one you used to wear over your Kurtis and the waaaaaay he would just feel it over your shoulder cause he loved the softness of it and from shoulder to feeling your face gently and smiling away looking you in the eye there was that one beautiful pause every single time in moments like these……and that sudden rush in you the way he would just bring his face closer still feeling your face away…..all of you wanting to chummi his face away but it’s temple and you are out out and there’s also the him him living that vibe loving that vibe of just holding that moemnt feeling you from that lilst distance just touching you feeling you and living your presence away…….and one nod of yours and the waaaaaaay he would nod back saying car mein jayinge karely and chuckle away that adoooooooorablh after noticing that rush in you for him……..

Something’s you write now relive now and this sudden rush now!!!!!!!!!

Drives!!!!

 Let’s start with the song first that lead to the stadium moments like one beautiful chain reaction!!!!!

At this shoot place of some other brand waiting for your model friend to get free so you could go visit her work site……and just beside there was this new cafe opening spot and you see they had coffee already and head there and just bout to step out and they play this track and that pullllll in you that beauuuuutofully drawn with the sound and beat of the track…

Head back inside with your coffee and just live him in flashes from those drives……and as the guy to play it again on loop for a few times atleast as there was almost nobody else there and get off and find one corner chair place and sit there actually singing the song our eyes shut…

Knowing your love max mad love for Bollywood he sometimes on drives would play Bollywood songs and this one song he plays and gets all happy saying he heard it after long and starts to sing along and you join him singing out loud ooooh pardesiiiii with one hand over the ear in a kawaaal state and the waaaay he chuckles that adooooooorably saying you sounded like those train singers from Bombay and you continue and he sings along……once done he plays it again and this time watches you singing it in full swing like letting you sing alone just so he could watch you to the next time you ask him one more time and this time to live him sing that track or any track for that matter you loooooooooooved the way he used to pout whilst singing some lines…

There was that THAT level of happiness watching him sing the waaaaaaay he used to look that adoooooorable that day om your own to relive him with those exact lines the waaaay he would suddenly look you in the eye beech mein whilst driving that one nod that always used to come along……he was your ultimate best friend too like you just looooooved that side of him too…

Akele akele smiling away as the song plays on loop for quite a few times and her calls repeatedly you just keep the phone aside and live that feeeeeewwl of him from those drives as the track plays….it’s like suddenly you were back right there beside him watching him living him adoooooring him as you were singing away akele…….to finally when the guy says now can the track be changed and you just smile away thanking for it and walk out with a very very happy heart cause the waaaaaaaaaay he just rushed through you that moemnt was everything meant the world to you in that very moment….

Also that very day you come back home missing him the most feeeling the worst lonely possible vibe!!!!!!

And the next day at work and the mind just wasn’t functioning right like something that big inside felt that pull tat need that want to be somewhere where you could just feel him the most……

Head out right when you had to finalise something at work ask Sudhakar straight take to Nacharam and the way the driver corrects the way you just spelled it a smile again cause he tried his level best to teach you how to say it right and everytime somebody corrects you asking the right way of saying that place name there’s him holding your face his face closest to yours with his delicious pouty lips telling you how to spell it right no see listen watch the way am saying it and say it this way……..

It was the stadium place…!

Pooora heart!!!!!!

 This one realisation almost every single time when you miss him this bad HIM your complete heart!!!!!!

Ever since that first time itself he did become your complete heart!!!!!!!!!

And that has remained the same even today years after after all this while too Him your complete heart poora ka poooora heart I say…

Mood on a swing!!

 When the moooood is literally on a swing!!!!!!

From himhighddddddddd to again missing him way too much!!!!!

And this one visual coming home just working on edits and this light across in one corner and the waaaaaaaaaay it brings back that vibe of his room back then…

Loooooooved the way it used to look in the evenings with some light play through the window of his room and this one tiny lil ray of light through that lil open mini back door of his room…

Some visuals and the waaaaay suddenly they can bring back a bunch of memories of not just his room but being in his room with him…

All of this when you weren’t even thinking bout it just his music playing working on the edits and this one beauuuuty of a visual…

Something’s SOMETHINGS only!!

Suchdilemas ep 2!!

 Missing him too much go to a place of his just so you feeeeel and live him there and now coming back home it’s only gotten that much more beautifully madly worse now……

It’s this lostness of missing him THIS bad and then coming back with a whole lottaaaaa more missing rushing through you highest speed possible…

Doing struggling diverting and this one like does it how charlie did become your ultimate hideout space of your mind to write bout him to miss him to live him in words and moments and sometimes to just write out scream out your missing obvsly cause you can’t tell him can’t tell nobody and yet you just had to let it out…

Like right now this one huge lost state of mind today coming back from his stadium place today…with that many moments relived and new ones made just living him there in those spaces…

And the waaaaaaaay it always ALWAYS makes you relive that one same feel no wonder even after all this while…this love for him never faded or changed, only grew with time like today you love him even more than you did the last you were at the stadium…

Another one of those things that’s absolutely beyond logics…!

Living him!!

 To live him in some moments random most moments like these on days like these is just beyond any logic what so ever to feeeeeel him this strongly right now now!!!!!!!!

This mind every single time after having been to a place of his this you this state of you right now!!!!!!!!!!!!

How only why only!!!!!!!!

Ajeebest!!

 Aaj miyaaa ki bhot zorse yaaad ari charlie!!!!!

Donno why it’s feeling this ajeeb tonight like suddenly very lonely at heart kinda ajeeeb feeeel it’s feeling away!!!!!

Suchdilemas!!

Feet up his music playing almost dozing struggling to keep the other eye open but this mind miiiiiiind aaj tho with that one moment of him music and this rush of him!!!!!!!

Ever since that moment these flashes of him on a constant loop how do you even hold your mind off!!!!!!!

Ayyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuty of him I swear he sure had your heart all over him I swear….

Nothings ever changed since then like the love now only grew stronger with time…

Mind smiling away heart smiling away just reliving him right now too and this need to write just write him even for a line for now……..somethings you just can’t when there’s THIS much missing on the inside running through you!!

How absolutely lucky did you really get in life!!!!!!!!!

Should’ve stayed longer……….!

Himcomings!!!!!!

 Mix of him!!!!!!

The mind lately been swinging and now lately!!!!!!

From that vast lostness to THAT much him suddenly soon as you shut your eyes….

Like all of last night he kept saying one thing on loop and the waaaaaaaaaaay he was saying it a nibble of you and a lil away and says it again comes closer does the same thing and this one time when you get hold of his shirt the waaaaaaaaay he slowly pulls back with that one button in your hand cause that’s how had your grip on his shirt hoping it would come off only instead……..and as he sees that one Hutton in your hand the waaaaaaay he nods that nod knowing just knowing what was on your mind…

Like there were these bits of him through the night and the waaaaaaay he again comes this morning just before the alarm goes off…the waaaaay he tightly holds you from you behind all of you his face over your shoulder and says it over again…….something’s you don’t wanna give yourself that high hope writing it out here when you re read these moments again so skipping it for now…for this dream!!

To that moment when you just stay that way feeeeeeeling smelling his presence away and that one bite of him over the shoulder and that’s when the alarm goes off……the very first thing you had to was run to the mirror to check the shoulder and even writing it now HOW is all you can think of how is that even possible………..he did leave a mark of his on your shoulder!!!!!!!

Even writing it now the way it still feels on your shoulder not just the mark it’s that feeeeeeeel of him just like it used to back then the waaaay it used to feel till almost a week on your skin that sweet pain exact same one this morning se over your shoulder……..

The waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he looked in that deep maroon sheer shirt there’s that wild forest like beauty of him that comes out in these tones deep tones!!!!!!

His eyes super sleepy and that beauuuuuutifully high his lips constantly with that pull in him coming closer and then moving a lil away to just live you that smile tat wink that nod ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa this heart of yours I swear even writing it now!!!!!!!!!!!!

To this morning you just had to wanted to needed to feel him longer……

Get in the workout dancing moving jumping away with chillarest tracks this one humma track brings his hummi along soon as he would hit the bed always make that sound saying hummmiii peet dukhri meri karely aake dabati and then even before you answer to that chuckleeeee away that adooooooooorably saying sooorat dekh apni jaaake kya khush hori like he would just know things that made you the happiest to sometimes actually coming over and as you make him turn his back towards you just bout to press it and the waaaaaaaay he would nod chuckle away saying no karely don’t things it’s doing instead……..

It was like a flashback of his voice his chuckles his moves his sound just his sound like he was actually talking all along with your workout today that himhighddddddd mind was is still right now!!!!!

To that moment post workout this one track and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybyou could just feeeel him over your spine today like that was his main focus today all spine to the nape of your neck just that feeeeeeeeeel of him and the waaaaaaay it was making you move today was something else……to this one point where it feeels like his hands under your hair over the scalp like he used to hold your hair rough back then and then pull you closer today that very saaaaame ditto feeeeeeel for that moment and your hair clip falls hair open and that feeeeeeeeeel that very moment that very moment take a pic to save that feel…BEAUTIFUL MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!

It’s allllll feeeeeling allll very different today the mind this you this shoulder even now!!!!!!!!

It’s this strong big BIG BIG want of him for him!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s just feeeeling very different today!!!!!!!!

As and when you look at yourself now and then since morning it even shows on you…!

Words!!

 When you overslept the alarm and running around getting ready now and this one story as you are walking just bout to leave and some words…….makes you stop sit and live that viiiiiiiiibe of him with these words!!

Such beauty of some words and the waaaaaaays it again brings him along!!

Like seriously, how much missing ever is too much missing for the wish to come true…!

Himhighfddd!!!!

 The second martini was a wroooong idea when you are this himhighdddddd!!!!!!!

Not liking this feeeeeing and also lovinggggf this zooooomed up versions of him his lips and forehead and nosieeee were the most loved ooooveddddd and most tasteddddddd most lickeaaaaddddddd his shoulder his skin toooooo his smileeeee his nodddd his handsasss his nape of neck his ears ayyyaaaaaaaaa this jiiiiiiigh sooooo soooooohighhhhjj on him right nowwww second drink is alwuesssssys a bad idea!!!!!!

Jaaaanejaaaaa toooooM kahaaaaaaaa!!!!!

THIS!!!!!!!!!!

 This you!!!!!!

That HIM!!!!!!

The waaaaaaays he has been coming charlie leaves your imagination and heart wild!!!!!!!

Like all day it’s a lil hectic with early schedule and now officially you are NOT a morning person!!!!!

And with everything else there’s that wild wild wiiiiiiild beauuuuuuuuuty of him and the waaaaaay he is with you all day long running along in your mind rushing through you like beech beech mein even amidst the confusion of work you find yourself zoning off and away to the himland and smiling akele akele!!!!!

That one rush of him and this you it leaves you with is beyond…

Like it literally leaves your imagination running wild no matter where you are like the other day on shoot for shoot you were supposed to play techno stuff to make the model move and pose like literally show her how to pose with the beat in your mind like it gets you in the vibe…….and instead of playing techno you play cannons that’s EVERYTHING HIM!!!!!!!

To you this one artist almost every track is him like rhye and cigarettes after sex thing too……it’s your new addiction when you want to feel him more you play this!!!!!

And that day early morning shoot you play this one and the waaaaaaaay it just diverted your mind off to him like you were actually moving while taking her pictures it was completely him focus and her telling you what music it was and she knew one track of it and that’s when you realise you had cannon playing……and you fataaak se change it cause your Him music is yours alone something’s you just can’t share…

This ones one of those things!!

To these dreams and you wake up and first thing to listen to these cause it elevates that missing rush to another level only…

Then slowly play all tracks that make you miss him more cause these close ups of him the waaaaays he has been letting you love him feee him touch him hold him and this you it’s been leaving you with!!!!!!!

How long how do you even!!!!!!!!!

To this morning steam when you write dream and it coorects it to steam what do you even do cause pretty much the same!!!!!!!!

Him in that same sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxedupblack soft skin shirt of his namesake style of his even writing reliving him from this morning this sudden rush of goosebumps right now!!!!!!

This one track I was on fire for you where did you go some words of it you don’t vibe with cause there’s nothing else more you love than to think bout him live him in your mind and forever grateful for having found him and his love!!!!!

It’s the waaaaaaaay that one line or two and the vibe of the beats of that track literally insync with the state of your mind just that it’s not was for you it’s still is more so now it is on fire for you kinda thing you wake up…….

It’s like now you see him that way live him that way and that one feeeeeeeeeel even when holding him like this morning like jaaaan boojke you’ve been coming like this nai!!!!!

Kinda feeeeel you wake up with there’s that rush in you even writing it now this rush to runnnnnn to him!!!!!!!!

And you just had to get in the workout today with this longing to feeel him more and post cardio it was his honey Singh madness to chillar somgs missing away dancing away moving away with to your most loved time of the day after waking up…

Getting on the floor and finding him and HOW……..

Usually it’s his hands around and over today with that one track playing you for the first time feeel his lips all over same way his hand used to move it was his lips today knowing not be writing something’s but today just can’t help it…cause felt him that way for the first time and that one wish to feeeel him that way same exact way for real…….cause you never did!!

It’s that rush in you right now even writing out reliving that feeeeel all over again now…

How do you even feeeeeeeeeeeel all of this away inside and act normal still on the outside!!

Sing miyaaaaaaaaaaaa if you only lnewwwwwwww how could you not knowwwwwwww how only you are being missed awaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!