Sounds of him…!

 It’s these moments when you feeel him this way be it this night or last night watching drive to and you pass out and live the very exact moment of him holding you and you keep saying it’s me it’s me holding me and he keeps repeating after you no howli it’s me holding you……and you actually wake up to check if he really was there cause he had repeated that many times that it again sounded that real like he was right behind you holding onto you….cause you could not just feel him but smell his prsence too that close to you!!!!

To this very moment and soon as you wake up had you talking to yourself why couldn’t you just be still here even after I woke up like you were still half asleep!!!!!

And that question still remains the same even as you write if you can feeel him all these ways why couldn’t it just be all for real too……….

Like not having to just live him with eyes shut but even with eyes wide open not having to face that humiliation everytime you still go on WhatsApp to see how much someone could feel that strongly to put off for all these years and never be okay with it……

To think of it now in reality it’s that small to just have the orsence on WhatsApp and yet that big of a deal to make you understand realise that’s how bad he wants you off…….

It’s these thoughts every single time you go on WhatsApp is like a reality check a breaking moemnt from all this that you feel away like two different worlds living in one life!!!!!!

It’s the waaaaaaay waaaaaays he wants you closer holding onto him in his life with eyes shut and sooon as you are up it’s another story……

This moment when you feeeel his hand over your neck your face comforting you with that restless of the temperature it’s like he was one with you in that moment the way it was calming you away so much so that you wanted to look him in the eye and feel the same and you open your eyes to the sound of his voice and like always had you looking for him in that noook of the couch too……..

Mind rush!!!!!

 It’s this schedule lately working hard to get a ground on work wise with that aim running to launch in Bombay in Multi designer store it’s taking a lot of you but something’s I guess you can’t get an easy way out…and somehow when it comes to you things eventually have never really been easy ever…nai!!!!!

To these moments even random ones like when the model says time please as you direct the poses and you tell her that’s now how yo u really do time please and show her by licking the other side of palm and with that blotch of it and that’s how you do time please and she and manager goes ewww and do it with you mentioning how they never saw that side of you and that’s when it hits you he just rushed through you in that very moemnt….

Cause that’s exactly how you always were with him on your drive somewhere and you talking or mostly asking him something away and he just keeps looking at you beech beech mein and pulls over to the side and says time please and comes close and you show him that’s how it’s done and moments with the ews from him in between cheeee karely show it to me on my hand actually……

Sometimes you just realise see that bout yourself after a very long time and realise how much you miss that you too miss that you with him…….

To just watching his work with the movie you can’t waiiiit to watch first day first show and his words echo through you when you keep asking him if he will always be that way with you even after he gets popular and the way he would always add you will be with him to witness it all together we will always be this way karely…….

It’s this weird state of mind right now charlie been experiencing him living him in closest of experiences possible and the way it always leaves you wanting more of him even after the waking up just to be able to live him more hear him more feel him more smell him more to just be able to live him for real even after the waking up………

Just donnooo!!!!!

 And nights like these!!!!!!

When you can feel the sickness kicking in with a high temperature and then live a moment like this one on repeat same exact thing happened last night too!!!!!!

Watching this weird series that you couldn’t put a stop on consultant and pass out over the couch and as you turn feeel the hand all over your neck and keep saying I know it’s not you it’s not you and that one sniff one sound there he was no it’s me am right here dekh howli am right here sound that real like he was actually there his hand over your neck allll over ur face too feeling you away that real ki wakes you up and you start looking around for him cause in that moment he was that reallllyyyyyyy real there……

Again something’s you write and feeeel away and this feeeel it leaves you with!!!!!!

Too many whys too many how I wish rushing through you in this very moment now…….

Moments of discovery!!!!

 Miami has gulmohars too!!!!!! When Ferrari losing comes with a beauuuuutiful backdrop of the gulmohars!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaa not sure if it’s the beer or just this mind aaj missing him waaaaaaay tooooo toooooooo much away!!!!!!!!!

Some visuals can suddenly rush you up with just that lilst amount of happiness in more ways than one nai…!

Kaise bhi…

 Kahi seeee bhi kaiseeeee bhi Karke some Him moments like these!!!!!!!

A start to a Youday like this!!!!!!!

Sound of words n places I swear…!

One of your most fav series comes along with a place of His!!!!!!

Refeeeling happiness away…!

 Some days mornings rather like you waiiiiiit waiiiiiit away all night all morning for that moment of being able to live him doesn’t happen with no dream then no feeels away during post workout stretch too but that one vibeeee of this track like you close your eyes side stretch and you see him in a angle as if though you were living him sitting beside you……from that moment to that moment of Versova to just live that beauuuuuuuuuty of him beside you from that upclose that now everytime you recall that meet that beauuuuty of him it almost feels like a dream now…

It’s this beauuuuuty of some sounds charlie they pump you away with that much of slneone that level of happiness sheeeer happiness without any reason or logic it’s just that beauuuuty of living someone living their lilst of details face eyes nose forehead skin lips chin neck hands fingers the sound of their voice that sparkle in their eyes that sudden smile that sudden looking at you to looking away it just fills you up with something’s thaaaaaat happpppy like insides of you having a party of their own mind feeeeling away al those swirls and how!!!!!!

Like you are in your happiest state possible just by living that beauuuty of someone…..this track lyrics not sure but the sound did beauuuutoful things to your mind away and howwwww!!!!!!!

Even yesterday mid workout manager comes over rush to work and when you miss out on joys like these morning morning it’s like major chunk of your day was pulled out n away…..like your heart literallllky waits for these moments just so you could feeeeel live him away!!!!!

Heart I say the things it can make you do when high on missing is beyond logics…!

Mind right now another state of joy I say!!!!!

Him ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa I swear!!!!!!!!!!

Day already mind already this you already jaaane kya hogaaaa is pyaaaar kyaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Viiiibe!!!!

 This vibe of some moments like these!!!!

All by yourself in the studio working on designs n sketches and his music playing out loud with thiiiiiiis much of Him on mind…!

Howleeeeeeeee you beauuuuuutiful lil big adooooorable thing how only you are missed!!!!!!!!!!

Sliiiightest bhi kaaash idea hota tumkuuu!!!!!!!!!

Something’s!!!!!

 A day like this one and moments random like these!!!!!

This love for numbers be it first 86 then 21 then 27 then 2727 then 1072 and on a day like this random moments of something’s like this!!!!!

Maloom nai kyu Kaise or how why something’s hit you on another level only like suddenly the mind all of you in that flight mode ekdum with dates days and number magic…

Mind this slow and yet soooo high on him…!

Cells in love..!

 It’s this realisation today through the day through the moments reading it’s like every single cell in you is madly deeply in love with all of him……

To live him throug the day in moments in reliving the Shivratri with him back then and falling somersaulting away back in love with him……all the more al over again!!!!!!

It’s how happy the cells jn you feel away it’s how they feeeeel away the sound of him dream of him touch of him words of him his whispers to just that sense of his prsence even even with eyes shut to just feeeeeeeel him slowly coming closer and around you and you sniff and realise it’s finally him in that very moment how happy all of you in the inside suddenly gets to daringly in some dreams open your eyes and see him that upclsow over you watching you in the eye again that level of happiness that you experience is like no other experience possible!!!!!!

it’s not just you it’s every cell in you that’s fallen in love with him by now cause that’s how much you’ve they r lived him loved him I say!!!!!absolute madness I know but some missings on some days even if it’s sounds dumb blonde level types you just gotta say it out loud!!!!!

Cause it’s a cell deeeeeeep level looove I say…!

Version of Him…!

Even as you write now this one thing he had mentioned in the recent chat saying u may not like this changed me now or I might not like this changed you….

And that one question in your head which you wish you could ask out loud but I never changed nothing in you not a single thing that feels like has changed to do with him…….it’s like it’s only grown more and much stronger than it was then…and when it comes to the version of him auyyaaaaaaa how do you even answer something like that away saying you would love him still with each and every version of his in every way possible and in all of the ways possible!!!!!

Cause that’s how you are meant to love and not just love the good side or this side that side of a person as you’d grown living loooooooving versions of him and that very thought that tings away your mind in that very moment the more versions the merrier it was but you can only say something like that show out your love like that who is willing to listen who is willing to take that chance with you…where in the beginning of the conversation itself he made it clear where you suddenly had to go from ja bey to ya you are right change of tone cause living these versions of him with shut eye throug your days and moments you still haven’t changed is what you e realised….where you may have as a person to the outside but things to do wit him love for him way of loving him has only grown stronger and yove felt this all the more today……

Grateful thankful!!!!!!

 It’s these moments moments like these that sort of used to make you look up and say a thank you so much away like you definitely must have done something that right to have found him kinda feeel every single time a moment like this you’d live which also btw happens even years after even with his absence…

It’s those mornings some days that you wake up and rush out and look up first thanking away and then questioning away but not why after I wake up too…….

Cause it’s that still confused hazy state of mind your mind is usually in soo. After waking up done with looking for him and then rush out to first thank and then question always….

Aaj bhi as you stay listening to his music reading his moments and dreams away here this one feeeeeeeel of connection charlie that’s always been there no matter what and yet!!!!!

To finally evening and the manager comes over asking if she could stay over for the night as she had to be at the shoot early morning for the outfit collab and you with that meme playing in your head come to me my darling thing playing smile away saying a yes……she gets drunk watches movie back to back and you stay there with his music custard and some work to finish…….

To finally just bout to get off and head to your room and she passes out and that one rushhhhh of Khushi I swear charlie in that very moment cause of all the days there is this waiiiiiit on special days mainly to live something of him and you waiiiiit all evening for her to leave her fone but doesn’t happen……

Finally get it and off you rush to the balcony and there it was your mosottttttttt loved circle blinking away and it was of a fkj concert in Bombay and one of your most fav tracks of his artist!!!!!

And suddenly your day got that much brighter and happier reason ?! Still donno but I say the things of him bout him to do with him the waaaaaaays they can make you happy is beyond logics and reasons……

Sound of music…!

 To breaking the fast and the fruit custard again just the sight of it was like him in a bowl sitting across his table gets you a bowl of it and his dad asks to bring the food along for you and him with that much pride and happiness inn his voice tells uncle pappa inee bhi meri tarah fasting Kari so will have anything without salt only…..looks back at you and that one adooooooorable nod saying ab tu kha and like always that beauuuuutiful wait in him to see if you loved what he loved!!!!!!

Shutting the eyes away as you write now and relive the moment this beauuuuutifukky clear his exact smile and expression of that beauuutiful wait in him as you eat it and before you say something he adds maloom Teri shakal se it’s too liquidy nai this bhupal I tell you and you living that moment of rush where you just wanna run to him hold him away chummi his complete face away just cause of the waaaaaaaaay he just knew you loved you in that moemnt in his own way to just visually live that beauuuuty of his face his expression his wait his lilst Khushi him wanting you to like something of his making you his own……and yet holdback all of you away holf your mind back looking around everybody around and you just look at him and that one nod of his shying away smiling away and nodding some more and leans over saying hau maloom kal leke jaatu opera tujhe……

It’s the waaaaaaaay he could that magically sense every lil change of expression emotion in you just by looking at you like he could literally read your face away without having to say a single word out!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeee wiring writing how only you are being missed ekdum seeeeeee abuiiiii k abhiiii!!!!!!!!

Beyond…!

 Those moments to over the call conversations to just feeeeling that version of him to living that version of your love for him like you can go on without food for a day or two bhi but without water was something that you just couldn’t do…..cause that’s how much water you gulp down every other min or two on a everyday basis..

Even that day when you decide to do the fast his way your mom actually was shocked saying you wouldn’t be able to do without water…..

It’s this thing charlie this very day it’s suspoised to be the original day of love as per shiva and Parvati getting back together and being married……but to him it was just something his mother used to and with her he started doing the same…and with him it’s become this one day of love that you feel most connected with him despite the distance and also not knowing if he still does or not but to you it’s a him day ever since him……

Like in the morning staying home your mom over table requests mentioning all these years you fasted this very day like his way could u pls add something what I want you to and makes you do some Pooja at home for Mahadev……

As she mentions the timing is of 6:15 to break the fast but to you it was when he does that’s 6pm he breaks the fast and so do you all this while…..

There are things that are in your control and the. There things that are just beyond you!!!!!!

In the most beautiful of ways possible nai!!!!!

it’s this strong something that you feel everytime this day around like can feel the love grow it’s stagnge to pen down in words cause this connection this beauuutiful something is wordless cause that’s how strongly you feel it every single time on this day for him!!!!!!!

Dreamtalks!!

 These conversations with him his whispers him reassuring you making you literally move wake up and feel his love for you to that very moment when he mentions about tu ye pehle bhi boli when you talk bout him coming over with an alarm set…..

And it did happen for real post bup meets when one morning he insist on your face being the first one he had to see just like he used to back then and once there post moments and stuff he mentions about having to rush somewhere and you get off saying ya right timer laga ke milo tum or something and the way he holds onto your waist and holds you closer with his head over your tummy nodding away asking you not to leave it’s these beauuuuuutiful transitions of his charlie always…..like a min ago a rush of moments to that moment the way him holding his touch his face over you felt like that of a child him nodding away holding you closer not wanting you to move and you couldn’t say a word more…the way he just held onto you that way and you finally mention Acha will go and this time he doesn’t let you move an inch away from him………

Just donno what or why even with all that love be it his side or yours and yet!!!!!!

To this very day doing it his way without water or food and later put with his family for name is khan……everybody busy getting ready and daadi was taking the longest and you were still there in the main room downstairs and suddenly comes running from uo and holds your hand and takes you out…..into his lawn and makes yih sit over one side of the lawn and shows you places around saying that’s luckys corner for poop this is my corner when I just need to be and suddenly looks up saying how beautiful the sky looked and then looks at you and pulls you closer like literally pulls you with one hand and adds I have never been out like this sitting down like this with anybody before here……

Like that moemnt to share it with you to just be that way with you there meant that much to him……

It’s when you see the love in someone charlie and know realise that’s how much you are really loved it in a way makes you believe it’s going to be that way forever like you will have more moments like those the way he adds he wants to spend more moments like these same place more often it’s like you will to just feeeeeeling that much love like visually living that love that’s waaaaay beyond and much much more than just a I love you was LIFE!!!!!!!

Even writing and reliving it now this one feeeeeeeeel it suddenly fills you away with kya likhna tha and from where to where only it went away!!!!!

Despite the odds!!!!

 There are things that you tend to forget ignore or just lose track of and then there is this whole world of him that you’ve been living for years now and it’s only been growing moment after moment with each passing year and strangely almost madly despite of all the odds there is this strong sense of something that rushes through you for him with him when it comes to things days to do with him it’s something that beautifully and strongly inexplicable like you can’t reason out or define our in world or with logics…

It’s just there and been growing over the years now !!

How what why you still got no clue of but the waaaaay he has been coming over even be ur in the dreams it’s the feeeel sense of his love still for you that he brings along shows you tells you sometimes even with those whispers like telling you literally he still loved you showing you moments that are of future living moments of future just when you lose that sense of hope……

It’s the series of dreams lately more so and the way it leaves you with every morning smiling living it away reliving it away through your day like it was for real like he was for real and you actual mein met him that very morning like actual meing woke up with and to him like you actual mein lived that moemnt for real…it’s beautifully strange and yet that world of yours still there and with days like these like the valentines morning you know what and how you felt him in the dream to that moemnt of waking up and looking for him for the longest time ever cause that’s how real he was that morning like you could literally feel that sense of him even after waking up that made you look for him get back to senses took longer than ever it did before!!!!

To this day today living it reliving it backwards and reliving another most beauuuuuutiful version of him and his way of love makes you reminds you why it’s always been him…all this while it had to be him!!!!!!!!!

Sunday trips…!

 How long is too long when you literally stare away at someone and waiiiiiit for them to fall asleep just so you can live your own moment finally…

Like how long is too long to just watch them completely fully fall asleep and then you luterallyyyyy run and steal away I say!!!!

As pathetic and wrong on so many levels it sounds like but some days I swear charlie this rush this wait this way of living him on some days feels different and of all days this one very day maha Shivratri every year around and the waaaaay it grows with you year after year…

And you were missed aaj bhi and how you beauuuuuutiful lil big adoooooorablest thing in the world I say!!!!!!!!

Again one of those feeeeeels of screaming out your missing and hoping it travels and reaches out to him someway…

Mind I tell you thinks different feels different talks different when this TBIS high on missing!!!!!!!

Brain wired…!

 How beautifully wired our brains can be sometimes nai…..of all the days the way it starts to function differently live differently feel differently think differently on some special days like that need to relive the lilst details of him on this very day or on days of Him!!!!!

It’s like heart and mind reconnecting with that beauuuuuuty of him on days like these!!!   

Even as you write and relive now ayyyaaaaaaaa inneeeee poooora ka pooooooora heart I swear!!!!!!

Days on the calendar…!

Maha Shivratri it is…!

One of those days in the calendar when your heart feels away lives away too much of him!!!!!!

Take the day off just to be living it away sometimes it’s just this strong feel of some days charlie that you can’t possibly fight or hide from…

This very day one of those days from the list……to just live the day his way every year ever since Him…

Again like Valentine’s Day request the manager over just so you could live him for a bit on days like these in anyway somehow live him it’s that need to fill the absence on esome days specially or maybe it’s that need to reason out your own dreams or moments like today that you feel away him with…

Happy bruises!!!!!

 There’s too much to write out and too lil time but the highlight of this morning was the happy bruise it left you with!!!!!!

Sound of music and this rush of him that comes along is beyoooooooooond logics of the world I say!!!!!!

It’s ike you plug-in and you are in a different world of your own just you and your mind in that one zone to whatever you are feeling away in that very moment and soon as you plug out it’s like you land back into another world completely different to what you and your mind were experiencing seconds back…

Workout done and post moments and this one track you play as you slow stretch out and just bout leaning sideways over one hand or some movement it was and the beat change and you lose balance and mild bruise over your cheek but the way it makes you laugh at yourself away in that very moment cause that’s how stronglyyyyyyy you felt him away…

This one track charlie and it’s like a rush of all the zillion versions transitions transformations of his that you’ve experienced in and through moments……the way he used to be all sublime slow to that woooooosh bolke rush and suddenly you live see feeeel looooooove a rushed version of his like this one track as you work on movements with this rack all you could feeeel live loooooove with eyes shut was moments at opera……his facial expressions the sound of his voice the way he would move talk smile nod it’s like a zillion versions relived with this track on loop…

Something’s and the waaaaaaaaaaays they can make you feeeel away is something else!!

Be it the movie last night sound of your own voice missing him the dream from valentines morning all of this the way they can make you feeeel that sense of something is beyond everything else there is to it!!

And even as you write now cheek hurting a lil bit the smile still on cause that’s how suddenly you felt him in that movement with the sound all iver the arm……

Something’s I swear missing high mind I tell you!!!!!!!!

Sleep missing…!

 A new thing that you just discovered bout yourself there’s also something like sleep missing and sleep missing talking to yourself……

Two very different things where the first is the regular sleep neend mein missing more precise when you galti se have a shut eye for a bit whilst writing and actually get woken up with your voice saying I m really really missing you a lot right now and the now word was a lil louder so much so it woke you up!!!!!!

What do you even do with yourself your mind your missing your this state of mind some days nai!!!!!!!

Like how do you even take it down a notch when it’s this high on missing !!!    

Can’t he just feeeeel something right now like right now right now kinda thing cause this missing right now with a deep sleep head state of mind is another thing…….how does the missing travelling through the airways even work!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeee howwwwwling away missing you right now I swearaaaaaa if only you had the slightest of idea!!!!!!!!!!!

Slightest bhi like point percent of it!!!!!!!!!!

Some movies you just gotta keep your mind off I say!!!!!!!

Movies!!!!!

 Some movies you watch and you wonder you shouldn’t have watched it cause it’s left you with all these feels and too many mind wandering I say!!!!!

But then the title told you so already and yet you had to and here you are now feeling all this away!!!!!!!

Hope i say is prolly the biggest of things in the world you could ever literally hope for if you know what I mean…

Like your mind feels otherwise bit hope I tell you is really a very big thing that can even make your mind feel think believe otherwise…

Again yet again one of those godzillianth of times when you were missed you gorgeous lil big annoyingly adoooooooorablest thing ever!!!!!

Also if there’s anything such as telepathy or such logics of if you really really feeeeel something strong enough for someone it actually travels through the airways and somehow makes it’s way all the way to them no matter where they are regardless of geographical logics…

If only it ever was actually possible like actual mein possible!!!!!!!    

NO IDEA!!!!!!!

 Reliving that him walking throug the gym door had no absolute idea nai years after that very face that very adorable human is someone you’ll miss like this for years together!!!!!!!

Had no slightest idea then nai!!!!!!!

This much!!!!!!!

Shuru se…!

 Pata nai Kaise pata nai kya kyu shuru seee thus something for him had always been there……

That very moment he walks into the gym door without seeing him even the way his orsence held you away the way there’s always been something for him………

His voice his face his hands every lil detail bout him even that day on the stairs showing you how to tie the lace to just watch him live that beauuuuuuty of him with his in between chuckles whilst tying the knot asks you dad nai sikhaye kabhi and you just nod away and the way he suddenly would stop and live you away instead……so much so forgetting to tie the knot the right way!!!!

It was that immense love already much before love itself for that prsence of his……..

His eyes charlie you just see them in the sunlight the way it’s his most beauuuuutiful feature apart from the zillion others it’s just glows different there’s something that beautifully innocent and wild at the same time he just looks beauuuuuutiful under the sunlight and that’s also why everytime he would stop you from yo ur workout and tell you chal coffee peeke aate hai did become your most fav line that was your Him time…….

To lose yourself in all him!!!!!!

Even when after him talking bout your coffee time the way that was his way of diverting your mind off gym and tell you what he felt for you……

That’s when razaakh happened his cover for showing what he actually felt for you!!!!!!

Something’s baaaaahhhhhhhhh this feeeeeeelinf right now!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes you wish nai running off to some cliff and screaming your heart out with a I miss you loudest heart fullest possible hoping it feels lighter after!!!!!!!!!!

Sound of music..!

 This state of mind sounds visuals and the way your heart suddenly feels everything away waaaay too much!!!!!!

Smiling crying reliving And then laughing!!!!!!

These sounds feeeling that first time feeel of wanting to just look at someone and stay that way not wanting to look away look beyond…..for the first time liking then soon loving some smile so that much that just seeing it used to make you happy like never before….liking some face then soon loving every bit of that face every lilst detail looking for something every time finding something new some new expression some new grown some new version of smile and loving all of these finds……that first time shift in your heart shift in your mind that first time rush of a different feel that first time feeeling of feeling the safest you’ve ever felt in life that first time feeel that need to hide away in someone off and away from everything else……that first time need to be held to be touched kissed and more…….

That first time feeel of being taken care of protected adooooorably possessive screamed at laughed at loved by!!!!!!

That first time feeeel of how your heart felt home you had finally found your home the way every lil detail bout him was becoming your heart that first time feel of being wanted considered as mom that first time shift of being a mom wanting to love that way too….

Ur heart did live waaaay too many firsts nai it’s these things charlie the way they are all laced with these details of him and seeing them all now the way those very details are rushing through you right now……this mind is feeelinf weirdly beautiful!!!!!!

A missing like never before this very moment!!!!!!

THIS mind!!!!!

I swear charlie never felt this much Him rush through you at once the way it is feeeelinf right now!!!!!!

His face his very expression in that moment as you save the wrappers the empty box away and the way he chuckles away that qdooooorably telling you to ye bhi le ye bhi le and keep it safe will check on it years after!!!!!

To trying on his glove his eye kul drop thing all of this and you had ab na jaa track on loop and in that very second it instead switches away to tumhe se lucky ali track…how did that happen you still got no clue……..

It’s this feeeewwwl charlie as you were reliving every memory with that specific item his script his handwriting his words like every lil detail of his flashing rushing through you to this track moments in love and the opera him rushing through you cause you’ve lived that THAT many verysions of him at opera to this very track playing most of the times…..

Like it was his ritual kinda thing he looooved playing this track soon as you are there and it’s that feeeeeel of being wrapped all wrapped with him as the track plays cause you remember living that beauuuuty of him to the sounds of this very track…….

To these things and then to relive every bit of him through n through it’s like when your mind gets foggy it’s these things that sort of reason out what you otherwise doubt or call it as madness when dreaming bout him….

It’s the way he still comes charlie it’s this very love of his and it’s not just you that has grown loving him it’s over the years his love too that you can feel in the dreams with every dream grows stronger and closer…

And then it all comes down to this absence of all this is still there then why this is something you can never make sense of!!!!!!

Know no valentines…!

 There was that much to write and you decide to spend this day night rather starting on the most loved note…

Like what better way then to relive the time that you felt most loved and ALIVE!!!!!!

This mind right now never felt this much the way it’s feeling right now in this very moment……

The pitara of all things Him, almost…!

From the chocolate wrappers to his eye kul eye drop to this copy of his Bangalore payment for jute cottage that he wanted you to have as he felt that was his most loved time of missing you……like he wanted you to have it as a souvenir of the Bangalore time and for you it was his first pay thing!!!!

To his words to his glove to the outfit brand tags with dates of 2009 with a copy of the phone recharge from the same time a time when there was no WhatsApp or any of the things that are of the present a love from that era literally….

It was all making you smile laugh and at the same cry away it’s this mixed rush of feeels right now charlie like so much you haven’t felt away in a very long time!!!!!!

Wasn’t an ordinary one!!

 This feeeeeeeel right now that you are feeeelinf rushing through you memories moments flashes of him it wasn’t an ordinary one charlie…!

It’s like living every detail of him in his things in a way reasons out every bit of what you still feeel for him love over the years and the waaays it’s grown from then to now this very moment…

There’s nothing no one you’ve ever loved the way you love him now…….all these years the way it’s become this most beautiful part of you now to just love him has become you!!!!!

Lilst of his things and the way these memories attached the him moments attached to it and actually having a chat with him as you save that chocolate wrapper him telling you someday years after will sit together and go through this khazana of yours by then aur kitta Jama karleti tu nai…….

It’s this beautiful mix feeeelinf as these things are making smile as a tear drops by along!!!!!!!

Opera…!

 If there is that one track just that one that’s laced with the almost magic like beauty of the opera and the Him at opera living him living moments living that space that we called our own almost it’s this one play it after a very long time and the waaaaaaaaaay everything Him at opera rushes throug you!!!!!!!

What a night it’s already been with his sound of music and a visual walk through the most loved most LIVED time of your life!!!!!!!!

Truly moments in love…!

THE things!!!!!

 Waking up and this need to write out abhi k abhi!!!!!!

The things a misseeeeeeing high state of mind can imagine away when asleep and a body can feeeel away is beyoooond logics!!!!!!

When you felt him like this for the very first time in years now!!!!!!!!!!

Again something you can’t write out but wanna scream out same cause the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay you felt him and he came made you feeeel away his presence with you was something else…

You were missed and how razaakh miyaaaa if you only had the slightest idea I swear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind still trying to get back to the shift of reality and can’t like evrythung in you wanting to go back to sleep just so you can go back t that very moment veryfeeel of him again…

Feeels!!!!

 After the day post everything once home music on working reading reasearchjng something and then falling asleep doing so and the way it all starts…that first smell of him to that slow whiff of his presence around you that you feel in the air to that first touch of his hand his arms around you or just his lips over your forehead or skin to just that smile of his that you feeeel over your arm to that sudden holding away and taking you to the other side moving you holding you not wanting you to move to just a walk and finding him some corner waiting for you…

To just running somewhere and then finding him in a way that feels like you were looking for him and he was waiting there for you it’s the vibe these dreams come with that sort of answer away the days questions in your mind…

It’s weird nai charlie how the reality is still there but the way the mind waits for this version of your reality to live……

Everytime you feel him like this in lilst of moment like the one hours back as you fall asleep and wake upto him makes you wonder all this can’t be just can’t be cause of your missing alone…..has to be him missing you too but then agar fir who hota tho he would’ve been there too nai!!

This mind right now still smiling away through a beautiful dilemma like this one!!!!!

Cause the more you write now this him the waaaaaaay it’s rushing through you now!!!!!!!!!

His lips amidst his daaaaaaadi auyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa from this morning your heaarttttt poooooooora ka poooooora right there I say!!!!!!!!

Miyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa kahaaaaaa hoooo tummmmm innn saaason ki chaadar mein gum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moooood!!!!

And some nights suddenly ekdum see become this full of moooooood nai!!!!!

Vibe of its own!!!!!

This exactly why sometimes you stay away from writing cause the waaaaay it fills up with this beauuuuuuutiful something him like THIS AMUCH him and the after of this feeeeeel is that THAT much missing all over again!!!!

From that very moment of finding this song to this jam at Film nagar and some hotel with lights on every floor 3 storeyed building lights blinking one after the other like the keys of the piano in sync with the music playing in your ears…it’s like suddenly slightest of him and the waaay it just made you that happy just like that….

It could’ve been any other name it could’ve been any other song but the two timed that perfectly in that very moment with that first step in I mean if you don’t think that’s magic then there’s no magic other than this that can possibly exist I say!!!!!

Mind is just happy today with valentine ringing around comes another major dose of him I say to days after maha Shivratri another most MOST loved day of the calendar I say!!!!

To finally back home get back to working and your mom watching this movie and you smiling some more thinking wondering how charlie happened cause you missed Chetan that bad!!!!!!

And from there on that wish thinking charlie is for real that you can share all bout Chetan without the fear of being judged asked questioned bout who would just listen how much you miss him!!!!!!

To write out feeels to just write out that moment that place that spot that memory that very feel that very rush that dream that search after the waking up has become a part of you now…

Stil writing and the him from this morning again rushes through…and you fall asleep and the whispers of his voice like you could literalllllly feeel his daaaadi ayyayaaaaaaaa daaaadi away over your ears!!!!!

The way it wakes you up with a smile on saving this night away this ehsaaas of the night away!!!!!!!!

Kaisi ye raat hai 3!!!!!

 Sooooo yaaaahhhhh

To this other epic moment of magic aaj!!!!!

This coffee place for some late evening snack cause you’d skipped lunch today at work..head inside manager still on call the second you step in it was Prateek same Prateek that you spend the entire day trippin on Him songs playing on loop……

Some sounds nai charlie fill away something THAT much that goes beyond logics….

These songs the waaaaaaay waaaaaays they bring him along THAT much….

The second you step in bas mein aur tum is pal saath hai and you hear someone scream out in that very moment heyyy Chetan wassup man look beside it was somebody else but that fataaaaak smile it brings along as the song gets over go back to the counter and ask them to play again…

Manager again commenting over your sudden change in behaviour where you just couldn’t eat but stay lost in all him… the words the vibe of the track it’s like your mini world of him in your head was written out jn words…

It’s that beauuuuuuuutiful rush of him laced track…….your nights with dreams of him days with moments of him your in your head talks bout him whispers of him through your day…it’s this feeeeeel of him in moments that leaves you with more of him!!!!!

Tum he se dil mein ayi ye aag hai tum he se mann mein aye ehsaas hai… the way this line apart from the others hits syncs on another level only!!!!!!

To this morning too when the seat was too hot to sit and soon as you sit that one lil conversation echoes throug you as you’d felt the same feeel of ass tandoori literally!!!!

Out on a long drive somewhere you get off for lunch and as you get back in the car seats were too hot and you scream out saying ass tandoori it is and the way he says adooooorably and chuckles away adding wait will place my one hand under you for you to sit on and you add saying ek bas nai hota and he shows both his hands saying how bout like this then!!!!!

It’s strangely beautiful sometimes when you miss him like this right now and suddenly lilst of him rushes through you one after the other!!!!!!

Kaisi ye raat hai2 !!

 To this day today mind this beauuuuutifukky high from the morning dream today!!!!!

It’s this feeeeee charlie to miss a certain kinda missing but then when he comes like this you really donno where to hide or how to hide away for a bit till the mind till all of you goes normal again…

Like even back then post meeting him it used to take you a while to get back to normal and you always used to stay by yourself for a bit akele with walks around just so the him high subsides for a bit before you go back home…is when you wish your face was a lil less expressive cause it that clearllllllu shows charlie…

Specially anything to evrythung to do with him slightest of something to do with him and the waaay all of you tinnggggg bolke transforms away!!!!!

Sudden burst of Khushi jumping somersaulting away inside of you that keeps reflecting on your face and the smillleeeeee glued on I say people talking you smiling staff discussing some design you smiling standing there in the middle lift man talking bout the error to fix the lift you still standing smiling there cleaning aunty talking bout some detergent thing yih still smiling cause him form this morning was all n more that……..it’s that ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa he came like this ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa this happened that happened rushing through you him from that upclosesasssssssst possible ultra zoooooOooomed up it’s like you blink and your lashes will intertwine with his that kinda close……somethjngs you write and now this misssaaaaasiiiiiuiiiiiing again!!!!!!!!

It’s weird beauuuutifylky weird the way he walks through your dream filling up that specific version of missing rushing theory you or sometimes to just remind you what it was like to be loved held chummied evrythung by him just when you refrain from reliving that side of his love…

Kaisi ye raat hai…!

 This mind now suddenly!!!!!!!!

These sudden rush of missings I say ekdum se!!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!

That moment when you set the chudi of the chudidar on the model in a precise way she tells you how she never knew that’s how you are susspised to wear the chudi as and you just start off still adjusting u didn’t know either he used to do the same on me and suddenly realise you actually said it out loud instead of living that feeeel on the inside…

She doesn’t say anything that awkward moment of silence and then asks you where is he now and you just walk out for a bit again fone ka universal bahana…

But the way that moemnt left you with that beauuuuuty of him pulling down your chudi literally that extent that it slips off your waist almost just so he could adjust the chudi at the end with the gatherings precisely at the end of the leg and then checks it out adoooooraby still sounding adooooooooorably mad at you terku chudi pehnna bhi nai ata karely kaisi hai re tu…….and you standing there hoping the chudidar doesn’t fall off and that lost in that beauuuuuuuty of him!!!!!!!

To this morning with niladri start!!!!!!

The way the sound of niladri brings the many versions of him along…

The first time was his call from the concert with that much sound at the back and he keeps saying I love you karely I love you so much and just repeats it over n over again it was only later the way he talks bout how niladri was something his sister loved pehle but that day at the concert he missed you and along with it it made him realise how much he loved you cause the way the sound made him miss you made him realise his love for you the way he goes on n on about karely I just felt your love felt the way you love me how much I’m in love with you it was just something else……the way he was talking bout his experience at opera for the music something that you relive over n over again everytime you listen to niladri……

It’s these moments suddenly they can make you feel how truly lucky you did get in life people sometimes spend all of their lives in search of that one true love that you prolly read or watch bout you just got that THAT lucky in life to be able to live it for real and in someone as beauuuuuuuuutiful as Him!!!!!

Sound of Him 2…!

 This Multi designer store from Bombay approached a few weeks back back to back meets with the discussions about the process and stuff and how they really were keen on having your collection on display at their store…..the main thing required was to work on the production and working more on shoots…..from there on started the whole change for the collection wise update to getting them model shot and back to back expenses you decide to do it yourself from styling to even directing the model moves to finally editing images to learning now how to edit videos too!!

Editing images was still cake walk but videos now you maybe realise how his work feels like finally!!!!!!

Back then you didn’t really have any idea what editing a video is like now one app after the other one tutorial after the other and still struggling with the whole frame game!!!!

Late nights best with his music playing and learning working and sometimes wahi pe to moments when you feeel him holding you away moving you away talking to you and you wake up and in that same feeel go to your bed and try to settle and he comes again exactly where he left at!!!!!

It’s beautifully strange weird sometimes that makes you again question your own sanity but in that very moment charlie can’t tell you how real how absolutefuckingbeaiuuuuutifully real it all feels like even after the waking up to smell his presence still around us where the reality and dreamscape line disappears all that stays is how real he actually felt like!!!!

To these moments through gour day shoot day u wake up to aloo ka paratha at the table after a very long time looking at the plate and you just couldn’t stop smiling cause it literally looked like him on a plate and your mom notices it and the way she says it still makes you this happy you know what she meant she knows exactly what and how you felt like in that moment and it wasn’t even bout the paratha!!

The way he looooooooved feeding you initially anythung to everything the way he would suddenly stop take something from your plate instead and feed you later it was his another looooooove of being fed by you…at your place anythung to everything the way he would give the plate in your hand and wait for you to feed him…him over your lap u feeding him the Partha where you are not supposed to sleep and eat but him being the Him he was that’s how he loved…!

To the drive last night out with the model few other friends friend to have this small celebration for finally getting the collection selected by the store few designs and she starts to play these Hindi mush tracks to this one by Prateek and that rush of him as they stop by somewhere and you get off with music still playing u plug in the same track and just be in a corner it’s strange charlie moments like these you are on your own but the waaaaaaay it feeeels like him with you in that very moment somethjngs you write and it feeels complete madness hearing yourself out but kyaaaa hai nai malooom that strong feeeweewl of you not being just you and like he is there with you in that moment is something you just can’t help!!

Sound of Him…!

 It’s been feeling all magical lately!!!

Like literally sleeping breathing walking talking magic kinda vibe!!

Even now as you come back pretty late from work and sit down for some edit again whilst your mom watching this movie Telgu thing some pages that shows the beauty of writing out moments the female lead writes out her days and moments and this beauuutiful connection that same urge same rush to write out some moemnt that you missed him with cause think of it now it’s more like things you miss sharif with him places you miss him with food you miss eating him with anything to everything where and when there’s that sense of him there’s that urge to write it out and say it out and save it away…to come back n read when the missing like now gets this beautifully worse!!

Listening to this new rush of him working on the edit and you fall asleep movie still on tv and this feeeeeeeeeel of his orsence ofver ur ear to that scent of him to that whisper of his saying something like for a few mins straight you try not to move or get all excited bout his presence and live that beauuuuuuuuty of him instead with eyes shut…!

It’s this feeeeeeewwl of his presence charlie ayyaaaaaaa the whole vibe soon as you feeeel he is around finally to just live smell feeeeeeel that feeeeling away is beyond logics I say!!

It’s only when you couldn’t hear him more the way it wakes you up it wasn’t the gin wasn’t the work wasn’t anything else but that strong sense of him that you feeeelt definite like it wasn’t your mind but that feeeeeel of him when you miss him tooo much and sleep away with that feeeel and then to finally feeel him away in that very state even writing it now this rush again!!!!!!!!

Haaye tere naam him hai…!

 Wakkkkiiiiiing up to him like this ayyyaaaaaaaa maaane na jiyaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Kyaaaa ye pyaaar kum haiii hayeeeeee tere naaam humm hai arzzz hai kiyaaaa miyaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeee u were missed and howwwwww nowwwwwww abiiiii ke abhiiiii!!!!!!!!

Sound of Him…!

 Mornings and this looooooooooive for waking upto him with the sound of his voice!!!!!!!

It’s one of those feeeeeels charlie that you get soooooo filled with that only makes you wish it for real like to still find him right there beside you even after the waking up…

More on the shoots and change of work plan later but with a hectic day yesterday to wake up to that sound of him ayyyyaaaaaaaaa he abosluteeeeeely metaaaaa pooooora ka pooooooora heart I say!!!!!!

Sleeping to his music and this one time you holding him by the stomach and he tries to move or something and you hold him tighter and the way he slowly whispers ab alarm bajta dekh and you just tell him yaa timer laga ke milte tum……to that very second that one sound of his chuckle like inside you that baaaaadky wanted to open your eyes and see him but that fewwwl in that moment charlie eyes tightly shut holding onto him tightest cause that’s how bad again you kissed him to that feeeeewwl of being able to smell live feeeel touch just and al him in that moment not wanting the moment to pass time to pass like you weren’t just holding him it was that moemnt you were holding onto…..and you move or something and he says it again and you mention the same thing again nodding away not wanting to leave him and the waaaaay he chucmmis your hair away and says ye pehle bhi boli tu howli that one word howli from him sounds like the most beauuuuutiful version of love the way he used to say it……soon as you hear it try to get off as you were sitting and he was standing even before you get off the way he holds you back and drops you back again and moment it was that rush charlie from your missing to feeeeeeling away his missing!!!!!!!

From that moment to waking up and looking for him around that one stare of mind it left you with was beyond words!!!!!!! And logics of course!!!!!!

To this morning a moemnt moments again skipping it away for obvious reasons!!!!!!!

Beeen too much of his missing that you can feel last 2 days it’s in the way he holds you feels your arm face away holds your hair away it’s just feeeeelinf different very different the sound of his voice moments just the feeeel of his orsence lately!!!!!

To the workout post treadmill weights and you play nicolas jar mix and this one track and you keep the weights aside and just move around with to the sound and the moment dancing away wit him at his Dd place as he holds you literally and makes you move as you kid bout being Dharmender in dancing and him just smiling away nodding away and dancing moving with you and dropping you back on the floor…..today it was all those flashes moments of him with the track and you just moving dancing along the way the sound was making you move……..

To the moemnt post the THE stretch!!!!!!!

And this need to listen to his niladri!!!!!!!

The feeeeeeeeeeels it filled you up with even writing it now this state of mind it’s a beauuuutifully ironic happy rush of Him!!!!!!!

More on this soon as there’s too tooooo much to write out bout it’s the waaaaaaaay you are feeeeeling him in lilst of things including the last nites drive to editing last night to these series of songs ayyyaaaaaaaaa heart full of HIM and howwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!

Himhiiiiiigh!!!!

 When you wake up like this mind I say this mind this subah ayyaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Said it before can say it over a gooodzilluon times more there’s nothing that can possibly make you as happy as that one face in the world i say!!!!!!!

Mornings to waking up to him like this ayyyaaaaaaaaa how do you even tame this state of mind and not have a smile on like where do you even hide till your face you get back to being normal again!!!!!

How do you even go normal with a waking up like this one!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeee you beauuuuutifullest lil thing how only you were missed!!!!!!!!

If onllllyyyyyyyyy you knew man!!!!!!!

HOW NOW!!!!!

 Ayyyaaaaaaaaaa moments of magic like these!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeee tummmm abiiii k aboiiiiiii aisaaaaa waisaaaaaaa kaisaaaaa kaisaaaaaaaaaa yaaad aaare miyaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jaaane kya hogaaaa isss pyaaaar kaaaa!!!!!!!

Another day…!

 And another day that ONE wait last night to just feel him sniff him live his presence and doesn’t happen like it’s been one restless state of night last night switching sides listening to his music on n off hoping waiting to live him and doesn’t happen……

Wake up and first thing you see is one eye swollen this bad not sure if it was no sleep almost last night or some infection……back to that wait for the workout!!

Done with it and doing these strength training bits with weights and this sudden play of his nicolas kar track amidst the trash rap!!

From that to these few tracks that were all him sounds like you haven’t heard before and the way the mind slowly drifting off and away to him like you keep smiling through the sets with flashes of him playing on loop as one track after the other turns out to be one version of him to the other!!

To the final stretch and again switching tracks one to the other vibe missing not working is when you miss his music updates the most like he stopped completely like the only other thing apart from ALL HIM that you miss the most in life is his music…

And finally head back to cbl and very first track comes along with him like the way it starts off is that ezaaaaaact same feeeeel of his presence for the first very moment itself when asleep and suddenly you can smell his scent and the waaaaaaay his arms everything him woooooosh bolke engulfs you away ekdum see…it’s like from the scent of his presence to wrapped away in everything him in less than seconds wooooosh bolke…….like sometimes when you open your one eye to just live his presence it’s his smiiiiiile like he smiiiiiiles throug. That moment of holding you as you are asleep looking you in the eye and holding you all of you away and how!!!!!!

Like you were still living these moments flashes of him from your mornings with the tack and moves and this sudden voice flash of his with your eyes shut in your room back then as he screams out and then chuckles away loudly seeing a Kareena poster in your room asking ye kya hai be why do you have this you are prettier than her and even before you say something tears and takes it off the wall….

In that moment just watching him do that as he kept saying why do you do this howli hai poori tu kareena Kate tumhare saare kaam a howle kaam a rehte and something something like all throug. That process of taking it off taking the tape off he just kept going on on it was the most loooooveed feeeel charlie……it’s that sense of not having to ask to check that sense of loving you just the way you are with all that you are it was like him loving you was a way of knowing what really love is al bout!!

It’s only later u tell him that it had details of diet and yoga moves along with her picture which he missed to notice and is why it was there and that adooooooorable scream love tone of his toh tab bolke nai hua and everytime he spoke in that tone ayyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa his voice too LOOOOOOVE pure love I say!!!!!!!!

He would exaaaactly know when you suddenly go trippin on him like suddenly lose track of what he was saying or anything else around and just live that beauuuuty of him like suddenly the words him talking everything else around slows down almost blur to the ears and al your mind eyes heart all of you on the inside is living is that visual of him…living away the way his eyes blink as he talks scream at you the way his lips move saying certain words the way his frown to smile moment to a much deeper smile as he notices you lost in him to that next moment of soft shy noticing you lost track of what he was saying……even writing it now ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you gorgeoooooous gorgeooooooooous thing I swear how only HOW ONLYYYYYYYYYY u were missed aviiiiii k abiiiiiii!!!!!!!

Even yesterday when min was that high on him and that moment when you find her fone and find that most loved circle finally that rush with a heart scream inside yesssssssss and it ends up being about the Hyderabad racing thing!!!!

It’s moments like those or like this very moment now from writing writing reliving that beauuuuuty of him and this mind now!!!!!!!

Ayyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

Again a start like this one already , what it’s going to be like ahead I swear!!

How do you even work with a mind like this now…!

Gotta see him…!

 It’s one of those days with no dream it came down to this moment post workout with that one missing gotta see him…

Music keep changing tracks as they weren’t vibin right with the moves like couldn’t feel something that one sense of shift of him within that comes with some sound and along with it comes him…and today you just had to had to see him!!!!!!

Switching tracks to finding this one and nothing vibes this beautifully well with this flow of him the way cbl does!!

Vision the one title itself and eyes shut the sound the flow and the rush of him in this beautiful sync…..it was gandipet I guess the first chummi place and this other time he takes you there to the dam side of the place with almost nobody around he checks around like he always used to and then asks you to come out and along with him…

Takes to this place where you can sit and makes you do so as you keep asking him about the cons of the space!!!!

Him smiling that smile away nodding away to the questions stands a bit away trying to take your picture there comes a lil closer puts his fone away and just that stare as you suddenly feeeeel that same feeeel of his stare being held away like can’t feeel a thing see a thing hear a thing beyond him that kinda moment…….as he just stands there and watches you the waaaaaaay he looked that beautiful charlie it was that almost evening sunlight shining over him him smiiiiiiling away that smile not saying a word and just that stare of his soon comes running over to you and asks you to take your earrings off!!!!!

Don’t get a thing why what it was bout just that rush of him that could feel through in that tone of his voice as you take it off and that one deeeeeper smile of his just looking at you!!!!!!

Ask him what it was bout and the way he would just nod away something’s he just had to keep it to himself holds your hand takes you back in the car and moment!!!!!!!!

Donno why of all the years this one moment of him rushed through you today cause you don’t remember reliving this memory recently and this one sound the way it directly takes you sweeeps you off and away to that very place to that very moment…

Decade later still wondering why did he make you do that!!!!!!

Wonders of Him I say!!!!!!!!! Reliving these moments out of nowhere the waaaaaaaaaay it suddenly fils you away with THIS much him rushing through you and HOW!!!!!!!!!!

Like suddenly it’s a HIM HIIIIIIIIIGH state of mind now!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeee you beauuuuuuuutiful beauuuuuuuuuuiful lil big adooooooorable thing how only you were missed abiiii k abiiiii!!!!!!!!

And a start like this one already…!

Write me…

 This kinda thing never happened before this kinda moment never before in a dream……

It’s these tracks you sleep to cause that’s how HOW bad the  missing got yesterday…this one moment laying over somewhere with these lil lavender tones lilst blooms around and you try to sniff them away cause generally wild flowers aren’t fragrant or scented and you try to sniff wondering if it was the actual lavender !!!!and this rustle sound of the leaves a lil away from where you were at…

Look up as you were tummy side sleeping over and there he was sitting that close to you looking gooooooooorgeous in a navy very wide unbuttoned shit softest fabric possible cause of the way it was falling against him in khaki chaddis…first very question how come I couldn’t smell your presence and the way it makes him chuckle away that loudly suddenly and the waaaaaaaaay he looks that adooooooooooorable in the moemnt charlie ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa he is I swear said before can say it over a zillion more times he is mera pooooooooora ka pooooooooooora heart right there one poooora just like that!!!!!!!!

Doesn’t say a word that one look same look in his eyes as he just looks at you and in ishaara asks you to do something don’t get it first and does again nodding his head away tells you chal write me…and you still lost in that moment the waaaaaaaay he looks that beauuuuuutoful sunlight falling over peeche se him looking at you the way he always does used to that lil almost smile does that ishaara again and you look down for the diary or book and up again to tell him there was no book and there was no him suddenly…….and you wake up!!

It was early hours of the morning that THAT ONE FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEL charlie I swear !!!!!!!!

That sound of his chuckle still could hear that one look the waaaaaaay he just looked that beauuuuutiful it’s that one halo he walks around with I swear!!!!!!

Play some song again back to sleep and this pne feeeel over your neck try to switch side and you feel it again same side over move try to shake it off and you feel it again eyes closed try to smell around and there he was it was him his signature way of saying I missed u like he used to do that and then say it……..the way it was much stronger the feel the teeth this time wakes you up and another feeeeeeel you land back in!!!!!!!

Waking up today with tooo many feeels to landing in many more post workout!!

It’s mind wander kinda morning start already!!!!!!!

Getting back to routine again hopefully this time!!!!!!

It’s all deeeeeling beautifully ajeeb charlie somehow!! Donno why donno how !!!!!

Just beautifully ajeeb…!

Magics in a row…!

 Not sure what or how to take all of this just random but even amidst all the crazy there is like always the Him calm that out of nowhere touches you away and HOW!!!!!

Magics in a row plural cause that’s how many they have been lately…

When you sort of quit writing cause it’s all getting pretty crazy where it leaves you questioning your own sanity…..even in the shower with the song playing it could be nice you hear his sound for like really really humming away the same very track in that very moment!! That liiiiiterally makes you turn around and look for him cause that’s how fucking beauuuuutofully real him humming sounded like….

To waking up to being in his car aareymilk Colony ur back then most fav place in Bombay and you are right there with him in his car as he takes you to his work to some studio…and soo. As you land there scream out of sheer joy telling him how much you’ve always loved the place as a kid back then…….

It’s these things getting feeeeeeling this real and you wake up spending all of your day questioning away the reality cause that def doesn’t feel real with his absence in it!!

To this movie today in my dreams moments feeeeels of it through n through exactly pretty much what and how you feeel away dreaming bout him waiiiitng to go to bed just so could see him and stay away from making sudden movements or touching him urself like you don’t touch him hold him directly instead wait for him to do so cause if n when you do he just disappears……how’s it that the very same exact things in this movie till that visual of the girl getting ready to fall asleep just so she looks pretty when she wakes up around him do the same……

When you buy more lounge wear stuff more just do look good whilst falling asleep could never say it out cause it def sounds madness watching this movie it suddenly feels less of a lunatic I swear charlie!!!!!!

It’s this sudden rush of too many things of him rushing through you!!!!!!

Like you hold back from writing this baaaadly cause you know what this means to you writing some moment place foood you missed him with to just write out is in a way saying out saving the moemnt making it feeel more real like cause it exists in words here….

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa some movies moments I tell you too many magics in a row and this missing…….

To this wait now in ur fav corner of the couch playing his music with thisssss wait!!!!!!!!!!

To just see him suddenly it def feeels less of a madness if only all stories did eventually turn out this way for real too!!!!!

Saving this feeeeeel state of mind away…!

Truly a Youday again I say!!