The May!!!!

 This one month has been the most unhealthiest month you’d ever felt!!!!!!

First started with the viral then the food poisoning then just cause the hospital counter aunty had a red eye you come back home with that gift too!!!!!

Recovered once with that now sitting with the red eye like what only why only!!!!!!

Bas this month to get over and start with going back to your morning routines is something f you can’t wait now!!!!!!

This feeeeeeeeeel but when sick the waaaaaaaaaay he comes becomes less wilder automatically like even if you wanting him to come that way he doesn’t that way…….the waaaaaaaaaay he just tones down that beauuuuuuuuuuuutifully like the gentle hugs gentle touches gentles kisses just the brush and holding you tighter the scent of him soon as you wake up that touch of his hand still on your skin and the waaaaaaaay it feels even looking at your own hands….

To finding yourself again for the zilluonth time at his Versova house fence standing there waiting for him to come…….

This mind now as you are up it’s sooooooooooooo full of him heart mind eyes this feeeeeeeel of him it just is the way it makes you feeeeeel on the inside like the fever dreams as a kid being taken over with all things him……….

From Versova to your house this morning but the waaiiiiiit remains the same ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa to just hold him tightest ever possible to nosedive into his skin neck arms shoulders away right now right now right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Human again!!!!

 When you finally feeel more human like after 2 days of hospitalisation and food poisoning sickness due to stale cheese of all things in the sandwich!!!!

Who could possibly think that the cutest main character thing like cheese off a tom n jerry could possibly cause all these things and in the worst way possible!!

Like you know it’s been major when finally first night after long feels normal and still not normal when coffee at this hour takes over…

Worst possible experience I say and a moment of him be it through the worst nights in the recent or this one seconds back puts back the smile on you and HOW -and the goosebumps back on your skin…

His music playing softly himcomings like these and a coffee at the oddest hour possible, almost back to normal nights…

Moments!!!!

 Watching his blue canvas trailer again after years now……

This feeeeel be it back then when you saw it first or be it now this very moment his first ever work and you didn’t get to see it only!!!!!!

Yeeee hameshaaaa zooooooor se lagtaaaa charlie no matter how many times you feel this never gets old or used to!!!!!

His first ever craft on screen and!!!!!!!

And this feeeeelinf every single time he added that green khaki jacket as that look of the character for whatever reason but to you it will always be HIM from back from Bangalore night memory!!!!!!!

Something’s nai!!!!!

The way he did release the trailer on a Sunday too back then there were these bits that made it somehow in your own way special with him adding the locations as Versova for the trailers……done watching wit that weird feeeeel still same or even worse maybe and how you still donno automatically this track from wake up sid starts to play Jaha mein chalu!!!!!!

What only how only why only !!!!!!

IMAGINE charlie just imagine his first ever craft of work and having read few lines of the same script those memories from his Dd writing space and you never got to watch it only!!!!!!

Even then some chat him mentioning tujhe tho mein baju mein baithke batata this one then I’ll see how you’ll finish the movie with me beside you……..when you ask him bout when you would get to see it!!!!!!

This feeeeeeeeeeel right now!!!!!!!!

HOW!!!

 From last ights missing to himcoming like that every single time when he comes this strongly after you’ve missed him too much this one thing you just can’t understand!!!!!

It defffdd has to be telepathy and if telepathy actual mein works why doesn’t it work in a way where tooo much missing doesn’t just bring him in the dreams but even after waking up too he is stil there right beside you on the same pillow still there for you to live first thing soon as you wake up……..

Also why back then when he didn’t have you blocked on WhatsApp you loooooooved seeing his dp first thing in the morning soon as you were up again his logic from back then where he would insist some days to directly come to his house before bup and your face being first thing he sees in the morning……

Where you tell him bout all the logics in between his dad that early morning at home his sister and amidst all to walk directly to his room and see him how was it even possible and the waaaaaay he would that adoooooorably insist away pouring his lips over the call nai maloom who sab bas tu aa……

And you did somehow manage to make your way luckily the way it all used to somehow fall into place uncle doing Pooja sister in her room or getting ready or something and him in his room and uncle in ishaara would ask you to go see him and wake him up instead……

And that beauuuuuuuuuuty of him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaay he used to sleeeep charlie his hair all over his face legs spread as wide as possible over his tummy and even before you could wake him up the waaaaaay he would make that sound of sniffing you away again this too did come from him something’s nai you realise ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa he used to do the same ditto thing away back then…….sniffing your scent away and that instant smile on his face even with eyes shut ayyyaaaaaaaaaa and you go on your kneels move his hair off his face and he would open tiniest part of his eye see you and come closer holding you awaaaay his head over your shoulder and sleep for a sec again…….tuuu aaayi karely kaise ayi and then hold closer…….

Some SOME moments!!!!!!!!!

THIS mind right now!!!!!!!!!!

Exaaaaactly this this very thing bout missing anything him and to just relive it right now writing it another one of your most loooooooooved moemnts bout him…….

Him HIM - your pooooooooora ka poooooooooora heart soul and everything in between I say!!!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!

 To that moment when your mom asks you to get these dhoop sticks from this dry fruit store you always forget the name of!!!!

Get off and in the store and there were these 2-3 men around and you didn’ notice the govt car outside and you on the other section checking out the fragrances for these sticks with your back towards the counter and suddenly you feel someone too close behind you and that stench of alcohol that strong that one second of strong fear and you shut your eyes tight cause the man was too close behind and was laughing or talking something you don’t even remember now cause that’s how bad scared you were in that moennt……eyes shut and him same visual of his that close to you and that waaaaaay suddenly donno how it’s that feeeel of suddenly not being alone anymore kinda vibe and you take a cut and walk to the counter instead drop the pack and call the temporary driver to come inside the store and stand and get it billed and get out immediately…..

In that moennt strangely you didn’t want to run out of the store and not get it billed or skip buying it there was that need to face that fear in that moment it’s that feeeeel nai charlie sometimes when you suddenly live that moment through your day when you don’t feel like it’s just you on your own that sense of someone vibe of someone being with you right there in that moennt and that moennt today was that for you!!!!!

It’s that one feeeeeeeel you come back home with and like always that very first thing to do and check your moms phone and there it was after the Loooooooooongest time ever the most beloved circle circling over him like a halo……

Hit it and it was bout his sisters work thing and to realise she is now at ramannaid which is just behind the studio like few gallis away kinda close that you can see it from the studio too……

Something’s nai!!!!!!!

It wasn’t any post to do with him but something’s nai have their own way of making that cozy space in your heart filling up that missing away and random most things do that to you about him……

Moments!!!!!

 It’s this constant wander your mind lives like zoning out to visuals and sound of him and that’s when having to deal with work gets that much more difficult…..like there’s this jeweller wanting to collaborate back to back for shoots as they are launching their store in Hyderabad after vj and the photographer shares the dump yesterday and tat one big disappointment when instead of product photography the guy does portrait photography but the only one being that works on the budget you first give your piece of mind with elaborate details about how it was supposed to be how it turned out to be instead……

Then after talks mentions bout sharing edited content after a few days and Heer the jeweller stylist wanted to see a few images atleast is when you checking the folder realise the guy didn’t even shoot close ups of it and that one more disappointment to deal and tackle with……sit there in the balcony listening to his music and that sound of his words karely there’s nothing that YouTube can’t teach everything’s right there you just need to look for it……

And you research on ways to figure out close ups for missed out campaigns and stuff and it suggests about taking excerpts from videos as they are big sized files…….

Check out the videos shot from the shoot and take a few screenshots of the best images and sit down to edit them……

With the mood you were in the final image turned out to be exact insync with the mood you were in and you loved it def your best edit till date…..like it made you that happy seeing the final result and ask the manager to post it away and share with the model too to share it…….

And the waaaay it’s gone viral with hits and reach and that one feeeeeeeeeel working on the rest of the edits how trulllllly happpppppy you must have beeeen deep in your heart for the final outcome to come out like this!!!!!!!

It’s this thing this magical thing bout love charlie, when you are so full of love like happy love in your heart gushing rushing with love no matter what you do what you put in your heart or mind at the final outcome defffddf comes out the best yet…

It’s that beauuuuuuuuuty of to just live loooooove him ayyyaa and the waaaaaaays it makes your heart happpy away not even like you met him for real but to live these moments this random most moments throug the day too kid walking finding his music in random places even with the meet with the stylist at roast and she talking bout the future project the mood board and stuff his blu mar ten starts to play…….and your hand on the file ahead immmmmediate rush of goosebumps on your skin and the waay she laughs over it seeing your skin transform in less than a second…I mean who even knows the artist cause you’ve never heard it anywhere else it’s that secret stash of his music artist list kinda thing and to hear that sound again of all days today after this morning himcoming to those flashes of the drive in his car with him it’s like toooooo many himversions in that one second……

That u again had to excuse yoruself and run out for a bit to get normal again and cause you just couldn’t stop smiling like you come back in again and the smile was still there and she asks you if you were upto continue or wanted to leave cause your mind shift soul shift was that evident……

And somehow push through the meet and on your way home that one state of mind reliving him how much how much more can you possibly miss someone and in how many more ways possibly!!!!!!

Misseeeing!!!!!

 There’s this thing you’ve realise over missing him with various versions and levels of missing!!!!!

Like even with intense missing like this morning the waaaaay those visuals of him rush throug you on loop like no matter what brushing getting ready for work cause you had multiple unskikkapble meetings today and the waaaaya the head just wouldn’t think straight there were too many things work wise to deal with today and yet mind that beauuuuuutifully wandering back to that one visual of him over you with this black shirt hanging loose over you and the waaaaaaaaaay he looks you in the eye looming his grogeouuuuuus best wit full daaaaaadi that you try to reach out to him by raising just your face and the waaaaay he smiles slightest and moves his head a lil away wanting you to reach out more again……

Like that one play one tease that one visual of him plays on loooop even when you had to fix this one meet with the jewellery stylist today over call and you kept zoning out with her having to ask you again n again are you there Shriya hello checking to see if you were still there and one more zorkaa hello and you lane back in reality!!!!

To at work and this one kid downstairs walking the same block tile walk of his akele akele and you immediately head down and walk along with the kid to a distance and again u turn and back to the office on your own akele akele walk his way it’s that when you realise you do miss these things bout him things to do bout him things to do WITH him everything together and then it all comes down to that one very important aspect of it all over everything else to LIVE that beauuuuuuuty of him being just him in entirety!!!!!

And HOW much you miss him that way just him being him like in that moment watching that kid from above u realise u missed seeing him do that too like to just stand there and watch Him walk like that could do anything at all in the world to live that moment to live those moments of him being just Him to live to experience that wonder and magic of all of Him and every bit of him!!!!!!

Sound of him…!

 It’s this weird state of mind of listening to Tera hone laga hoo in the mall when you were all by yourself yesteay it’s that sudden low lowwwwwww feeeeel that rushes through you like in the middle of it all stop right there and everything him rushes throug you and that sudden feeeelnof not having seen him hits you like u donnooo how why what hits you you just sit there weirdly shed a tear missing him suddenly tooootooooo mucn away!!!!!

And then only make it all the more worse like when it’s this zabardasti ka making you even more sad missing him away u listen to Nusrat Fateh Ali kan…..and it does ur for you !!!!!

And almost crying go to sleep on the floor itself in between the work and this rush on your arm and you turn to the other side and this sudden grip over your arms that shakes you and you start to sniff away around and that scent of him around you over you wakes you up and he was over you in the saaaaaame amsexxxxxxduoppppppandiknowwwwit kinda black shirt of his it’s that same expression on him and the waaaaay he comes that close and tighten the grip over your arm and looks you in the eye and says do it…….

Like writing it now how would could you possibly know what he meant by that by that very moennt you hold him get off and hold him against the wall this time his way prolly 3-4 time this dream came same to same……..

And the moments after the way he kept saying that one thing on repeat and you pause to write it and this neeeeed to just write out I love you as every time you kiss hold him the waaaay he keeps saying it over n over again I love you I loved you I’ve always loved you I still love you like the more you move that rush in you the way he keeps saying it over n over again……..to that moennt and to write it can’t write it this sudden rush of gooooosebumped now do something and that sound of him somethimgsssssss!!!!!!!!!

It’s like u are living a moennt living that beauuuuuuty of him just the waaaaaaaaaay he looked that beauuuuuuutifully raw a vibe a mooood that some beat suddenly makes you feel slowwwwww to that sudden switch of rush kinda viiiiibe of his and the waaaaaaay he for that second holds you by your neck and looks you in the eye and says just you wait……..

It was that intensity of the way he says it the waaaaay he looks you in the eye and says it the complete feeeeeel of that moennt that suddenly shakes up something that big in you like he was actually actual mein there there kinda feeeeel if that moennt and you wake up like it’s only then do you realise it was that dream all of night cause it was even post alarm and for the first time you couldn’t hear the alarm ring…….

That one feeeeeeeeeeeeel when you wake up from that moennt that rush in you that missing in you that one feeeeeeeeeelnof he was that close just seconds back and you just couldn’t take the reality of that waking up in that very moment……

Thinking of it now writing it now still can’t…!

Weaaaak!!!!!

 There’s nothing I say nothing in the world that makes you go alllllllll weaaaaaaak every inch of you like you literally feeeeel melting away drowning away in your own feeeeels for him!!!!!!

It’s like a glimpse of him and wooooooooshhhhhh bolkeeee you melt off I say and howwwwwww!!!!!!!

There’s nothing I m telling u nai nothing I saaaaaay that could possibly make you feeel away all this that you waiiiit for the cock to strike 12 just so it’s Friday and u could sliiiightesv have the stoli chnappa cause u had to had foooo write today Kaise bhi……

Auyyaaaaaaa when he comes like this it’s just leaves you soooo sooooooooo happpppy like a happppy lillll fkcerrrrr I say!!!!!!!!

Like soooo sooooooo flying happppy like u can’t possible feeeel the ground beneath just sooo tooooo happpppy I say!!!!!!!

Saving the say awaaaay saving this happppy awaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!!

Sing miyaaaaaaaaa how onlyyyyyyy u were misssssssssdddddd today if u onlyyyy had the hickiest of hickieeees you would know ayyyaaaaaa this mind veer since this morning today !!!!!!!

THIS!!!!!!

 This very feeeeeeel right now this very second you are up now that one face in the world that one scent in the world that one sense of him in the world that one touch in the world ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeee kakikuuuuuu chaleeee jaaaaate aisaaaaaaa karkeeeee tummmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!

When he comes like this wearing this living loving you away like thisssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yaaaad kiyaaaaaa dilneeeeeeee kahaaaaaaa hoooooooo tummmmmmm ayyaaaaaaaa kittuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!

Part of you!!!!

 When you live these moemnts be it in the dreams or like in the car that day still asleep to feeeeeel him and the phone ringing with tat hope for a second it being him and that fall after!!!!!!

It’s like him this part of you this strong core part of you and YET!!!!!

Like how could you feeeeeel this much love away him telling you showing you making you feeel and realise all of this away and still and still THIS!!!!!!

This side of reality this side of waking missing him like this away like there are innumerable ways moments sounds visuals you miss him with a zillion and more times of the day throug the day to the waking up and again on repeat every single day for days and years now and this recent missing lately……..how could he possibly come like these many’s times in these many ways and still not come!!!!!!

How could you feeel all this this strongly away and not take it to be your reality too..!

Him!!!!

 Be it being around you talking to you even in the early days there was this instant something like all of you being drawn towards him and yet not knowing what it was bout……like you loved him just like that taking your bottle of water away taking your napkin off the treadmill and then waiting for a second looking you in the eye for your permission to use it and you go ew it’s my sweat over it don’t and then the waaaaay he would go it’s only yours no anybody else didn’t use it right and then wipe his complete face off it……..

And you already craaazy bout him not knowing again why looking at that napkin on the treadmill smiling away finishing the work out….

That day some random guy takes your phone who bhi just because it was bout to fall off your hand fataaak se you take it back and that very second think bout him taking your phone and giving you his to check the features…..like random things post workout sitting on the steps outside he would take yours and give you his and his was much advanced one and then would show the features on his phOne pictures on his phone……..

No absolute interaction with a guy and then to have over interaction by an aunty in form of a guy and realise that beauuuuuuuty of him all the more away and HOW!!!!

It’s not the idea of comparison but just that feeeeel charlie of why how that one place of his nobody else could even fit in as a friend too!!!!

That charm that something that very sexy bout him in just the waaaaaay he used to carry himself like not easy to approach but once you get to know him there’s no going back like they defff don’t make like Him anymore…….

On your way back from the vendor you pass out in the car for a bit and that one time when you move or something over the speed breaker that one string feeeeeeeeel of being over his shoulder like you could that strongly sense that scent of him that strongly and the phone rings with some unknown number with Bombay code and that rush that feeeeeeeel still in that sleep haze thinking what if it’s him and you answer and it was some credit card offer call!!!!!

Something’s nai!!!!!!!

Even writing it now!!!!!!!!

Beauty!!!!!

 This beauty of this hour of the day mind is that pure that raw and at its own best!!!!

Cause you’ve had a long day now it’s just you your thoughts feels of the day at their tired best and rawest best raring to get out and just be….

When you are your truest best possible not having to act or try and be normal!!!!!

Also why you loooooove to write him out at this hour mostly!!!!

And the other thing you love is to self reflect even working on something play his music and wander off for a bit looking a second look at your own self and your thoughts!!!!

Lately with these dreams and then the after dilemma part of it wondering if it’s your mind your missing doing this to you!!!!!

Like the other day you actually felt that way said that way to yoruself for the first time wondering something bout him missing him that way and say it to yourself whowww you sure are hungry for him!!!!!

Seeeeee there even writing it out finally putting it here and reading it now all these feeeeels!!!!!!

There are these things ur so called friends somehow have conversations bout indirectly but you know directly firing at you and you always swim your way out of it literally!!!!

The other day at the shoot the photographer being real late and finally shows up as you were still waiting in the car and stands outside your side of the door and just stares smiling away……

Step out and the way the guy asks you firstly which track was it playing cause it made the guy (when you don’t want to add he to the guy it becomes the guy) and yiy ignore and ask if we can proceed to the shoot…..as it was glass animals playing which you’ve been himtripping on and HIW!!!!!

Heading to the shoot they both knew each other the model and the guy and start to talk and the way the guy shows you the apartment beside and starts off saying friends lives and his childhood memory about the park and something and you take faster steps skip the conversation and head to the shoot spot…….

And once there they join and the first thing the guy mentions is how could you skip someone sharing childhood memory and jokes bout and you mention bout starting early for the shoot as it was sunny already…..and look up and this beauuuuuuty of your another most loved thing as a kid watching the rocket trail kinda streak across the sky that day it was like this huge C across the sky with him clouds all over……

And you mention that you have to have the clouds in the frame and the guy mentions bout that it’s not iphone camera to catch the clouds and a professional camera so it doesn’t catch clouds and also jokes with model that this was the first time somebody gives a work brief as this bout the framing that the clouds have to be there and that’s when you realise you just literally screamed out your missing loud enough…

To that one time in between when checking frames after the shot is captured the guy gives the camera and you checking the shot bout to drop your phone and the guy takes your phone and checks the wallpaper and asks first thing what’s his name cause this definitely looks like something related to love…..and for the first time you the moooood you were in that himhighd and plus the aunty ways that the guy was being nosey at u say his name loud Chetan……..

And that feeeeeeeeel charlie that very same second that feeeeeeeeeel to share out loud to say his name out after SO long like to literally say it loud and not just inside you that feeeeeeeeeeeeeel and you just couldn’t stop smiling the waaaaay it made you that happy……

And as the shoot goes on the way the guy requests to play some music and the same one playing in your car as the guy couldn’t Shazam it and you make sure to play random dj playlists during shooots and not your him music set!!!!!

The shoot goes on with you ear plugged with his music for most of it which initially felt like somebody just took the steer wheel of a maybach kinda beauty off your hands and takes over it cause the complete control of the shots was upto the guy and this habit they have no of showing the model first instead of the designer is irrrrritating!!!!!

Like it’s our work out there and the model has to okay it first like how!!!!!

The shoot goes on and with the wrap them talking bout for breakfast to know more bout Chetan and like always skipping it away head back to work as you had to finish some fabric work head to the vendor to check for the stocks……the beauuuuuty of it the second you are there this blue car with number plate 2727 and the first step into the store and the first song that plays is hawayein ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

To find him in moments like these to find him in places and that very second you head to the sofa instead and just be with that feeeeeeeeel of him!!!!!!

Last week over coffee in the evening they were talking bout this logic of attention male attention of how if you miss it from someone then when you find it anywhere you are immediately drawn towards it…..to makeup for the lost attention!!!!!

And to be honest charlie it’s been very long VERY and yet that day facing talking conversing with some guy or aunty rather in this case not even for a second you did like to say the least like it was more like going back to reliving him again even as strangers the waaaaaay he had that class in carrying himself around people…….

Like you would never never find him to be the first one to approach and get all friendly in the start itself and that one something being in his own wonder and wander and how you looooooooooved that bout him…….

Where that day you literally tell the guy that being the perfect aunty type and that too takes it as a joke!!!!

Like literally the types of having a gay friend that you don’t have to worry bout or feel uncomfortable around kind…..

And exactly the kind you just ignore away all through and in that world of your own reliving him away from that morning…..

It’s to realise self reflect how it’s never been anybody just anybody even be it attention and how the logic they were directly commenting towards wasn’t true in your case…..cause you don’t like even to say the least!!!!!

It’s like the mind the inside the all of you is twisted in that one certain and only way and react to just that one thing hooooman place you call your own…….

It only reacts to that direction all of them talking commenting doesn’t even matter cause u gottaaa mouth it’s always going to talk……it’s how you react that’s upto you nai!!

This beauty!!!!!!

 It was barely an hour of sleep the mind still high on him after the memory and sound recalls a night before…..

And you had to shower get your mind straight and normal to show up for the shoot……

When you’ve decided to make lil changes work front to hire people instead of handling too many things on your own and having no time for yourself at all……plus with the recent struggle to edit a video to work on reels and you finally give up cause editing stills is still smooth as water but to edit a video whowwww it takes waaaaay more than just app knowledge or YouTube tutorials!!

So finally with a friend’s recommendation hire this photographer and for a shoot that was also a collab with a jeweller…..

A reel content!!

And you try the same model from way back then cause the recent one with one of your fiend model and her “recent” change wasn’t fitting right literally for the outfits…..

The funny moemnt was when she shows up and you look at her literally and inside scream why what did she even do and the waaaaaay it immmmediately takes you back to this moment with him…..

In his car talking bout something beside your apartment chilling with chips date with him and he in beech mein looks at other corner and the waaaaay he comments on her mangalsutra shining from within her saree and you joke bout of how all things around her sutra caught his attention from beneath the saree too and the way he that adoooooooorably starts to cover up for what he just noticed embarrassed over his noticing the out of her saree!!!!!

Like you see her and have this big laugh inside inside and then excuse yourself and live that moennt in your mind with him like even before nocitjng anything else the drew your complete and full attention instantly!!!!

To this one you had to change and the second you see her after this long the very conversation again with him when you share her pictures with him showing him the shoot images and the waaaaaay he says merku isko nai terko dekhna hai…..

Something’s nai you just can’t help it!!!!!!

To finally choosing the same place as yih pass by his prashasan nagar lane and reach the park for shoot that vibe of the clouds and weather around and the photographer was late so you head out to set frame to pick one spot checking with her where it would look the best and pick the top most part of the park which almost looked like it’s shot in some hilly area some places nai have a vibe of their own this one tooo does that much!!!!!

Also cause you were still that high on him where she even comments on how your eyes were red and you stil looked like you would sleep any second now!!!!!

But it always feel different charlie even skipping sleep on some nights away playing his music and just reliving him away it somehow strangely makes you feel closer to him like any memory you relive it’s like you were there in that very moment seeing him holding him living that very moment away and agaaaaaaain something’s you write and this feeeeeee now!!!!!!

HIM!!!!!!

 That much him taste of him scent of him feeeeeel of him sound of him movements of him that strong gushhhhhhh of him that mornings lace you all over with like the second you wake up from that moment you are that fullllll of him like you can’t think straight sense right make sense of the waking up for a few mins it’s only after do you realise you just woke up…….but all of you otherwise every inch of you still feeeeeelijf that strongly all his presence away like it all did happen for real like he was there seconds back for real how could you still be feeeeeeling it all away and waaaaaays beyond your own imagination things you haven’t even felt for real not even for once and still be living feeeeeling it away with him and how!!!!!!

Like he is that really real there and yet the second you wake up he isn’t but that feeeeewwel of him still over you like you feeeeel it inside that strong that presence of him and still to make sense try and make sense of the waking up you still can never get used to…

U try do your best to go back to normal and still can’t cause that sense of him feeeeeeeeel of him a himcoming himcomings like these and the affect they have on you jus can’t like just can’t somehow take them to be just dreams and yet still they are but HOW!!!!!!!

HOW!!!!!

 How do you even feeeeel live all of him away in ways you’d never before and still not see him touch him smell him hold him kiss him for real after waking up like how can you not continue from the exact moment where he just left you at few seconds back just before waking up…….

Like how do you even take all of him from those moemnts to not be real and just a dream when you feel touch smell sense live him that strongly when he feels you that much let’s you feel love him away and HOW and then to not have him still after waking up how do you even!!!!!!!

Like you’ve been hiding from your own mind lately like how could all of that him and his waaaaaaaays of him coming just be all a dream!!!!!?

THIS!!!!!

 When you have to be up at 5:30 literally and sat here to finish the work and now you can’t even work ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa this beauty of him with some sounds some visuals the waaaaaaay everything him starts to rush through you from those calls this very moment……..

That beauty that joyyyyy that beauuuuuuutiful madness to just live that beauuuuty of his every detail of his to just live him and how HOW you loooooooved!!!!!!!

In that chat too on mail when he talks bout getting on some messenger instead and you were that close THAT close in asking him away again for Skype but the waaaay the way he was talking that day just didn’t feel right like something defffdd was coming from him and it did and HOW!!!!!

Apart from everything else that one sheeeer level of happiness it used to bring you to just live his presence live his details to even watching him move slightest bhi his expressions his straight face his anything to everything ayyaaaaaaaa that one love it was……

No wonder your eyes in this constant state of wander no matter where you are searching for him somehweee kahi bhi even slightest of him bhi even that day at Roast like it’s become your recent liked place with these photography books you enjoy reading there with this recent discovery of biscoff latte there……where the original love macchiato here at roast had become uski maaaki the first time you order and see the quality and style of that same coffee they had served in shit shot glass tasting also like that!!!!!

So the new discovery being biscoff latte topped with half of just froth sitting in that corner with random photography books and as and when you look around there’s that need to constantly look for him like your eyes in that constant wander also cause they play mostly coldplay and maroon 5 there like with any song of his playing there there’s that one beauuuuuutiful pull to look for him…….

This mind right now living him away to days when excited with something on his mind the way his body language would seem completely different like you that clearly remember the first ever Skype call with him that first reaction of his like he just couldn’t stop smiling wasn’t even writing anything few first mins and you keep asking him why the smile cause he had met you prolly weeks back and yet something’s you write and this feeeeeeeeeeeeeel now!!!!!!!!

Visuals I swear I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!

Himslow!!!!!

 There’s that beauty of capturing visuals in a slowmo like you somehow tend to feel it all more strongly and deeper nai…..

It’s like suddenly you are living that moment that visual with every breathe you take as you capture that moment like the chest moving you breathing in that slow mo capture kinda vibe……

Now imagine living that same exact ditto vibe in and with anything to everything he does……..like he would just walk around in the room like he would just go across the room to the kitchen to bring a water bottle and you live him with every step every move of his and you live it all that fully feeeeel it all that deeeply cause he is that vibe there’s that vibe to him that some slowwwwwwww vibed mooood he would do anything with…….like he could be watching some action scene and one look at him and then to screen back and your eyes just couldn’t just wouldn’t hold there to the screen that need that urge to live him again that one feeeeeeeel of him……….

Same reason you loooooooved to live him smoke tooo as much as you hated him constantly smoking through those Skype calls that beauuuuuty of him the way he would dim down the lights some music playing in his room and you couldn’t hear it but the way he would move a lilst beech mein to the waaaaaaaaaay his whole vibe aura around and over him used to transform him away lighting up his psy beedi raising his chin a lil releasing that smoke and you loooooooooved living him that way his face his lips his EYES all of him to any of him and THIS whole mooooooood he would suddenly become it was like the whole complete visual of him right there on the screen was like you on the other hand having your own trip without even smoking away……..like he was your high that feeeeeeeeel of living him just be himself move slightly to some sound chuckle away to something you said or just move his face slightly to release that smoke or get off to go to the kitchen and you used to tell him move the screen to where he was walking as you lioooiooooived watching him walk towards you the idea of it you absolutely loooooooved ti just live that feeeeeel and the waaay he would joke bout saying hau it’s not like an going to enter your side of the screen just by walking like that and call you howli for imagining these things away!!!!!!

Where to where your mind goes nai it’s that one visual of your own finger it’s this song that you lioooooved to relive him over his smoking memories that you find after very long brings back all those visuals from the Skype calls!!!!!

What only where only why only!!!!!!

Moments!!!!

 This time of the hour your most loved time no matter how sleepy you are this need to just be instead!!!!

Specially this routine Sunday nights 2nd shower overspray with this rose fragrance candles lit his music playing sipping first sips away stoli chinnaya that does the most beautiful damage to your mind himtrippin away cause the waaaaaaaaays it makes you miss him away is beyond!!!!

When you come down to write out this moemnt and sit for a bit reading your himhigh state and see how much how bad you missed him that night too could barely read and understand some things but the way there still was that need that urgency to write out the missing and HOW…

It’s a late night of work with an early super early morning shoot tomo but this beauuuuuty of some nights as you live this moment……watching your one finger nail coloured the only single one it’s this thing you’ve been doing for months now when you are mad at him missing him away waaaaaaay too much than normal you color just the single nail away…….

In his Dd room as he holds your hand kisses and licks a finger away and suddenly stops looks at it and again tells you why this who is this for am already impressed right mein hoona then who is this for nails looking this pretty!!!!!

Ever since then somehow that habit or likeness to color the nails away just wasn’t there……lil by lil you could just never do it again not something you decide like bas you won’t do this bolke but somehow softly it just vanished from your agenda of things like it wasn’t even a part of you anymore kinda thing…

Now lately this habit only when you are mad at him missing him away tooooo much you just color one finger nail keep it till the mind feels better a lil less mad at him and you take it off!!!!!!

Something’s nai!!!!!!!!!

This very moment working on lists you see this nail of yours and that very moennt of him holding and kissing your hand fingers away rushes through you……

He had said this a couple of times initially you used to take it as him joking bout it but the way he was saying post bup meets like he actually was serious bout it the waaaaaaaay he would look you in the eye kiss your hand away and say it again to make some other guy look at your hand find it pretty kya bey?!

And that soft smile after saying but mein hoona in that one way he used to!!!!!!

SOMETHUNGS!!!!!!!!!!

Magiiiiik

 He was the magikkkkk n wondddder of ur lufeeeee

This heart felt fuuuuullllest just liivng him swaaaaay!!!!!!!

He wud do nothing just beeeeee n ayyyaaaaaa wud take ur haaaaarttttt awaaaaay just like thattttttt

To touch him holdeeeee himmmm squiiiiiiishhhhhhhud himmmm bittttttt awaaaaaaaay denteeeesttt awaaaaayyyy Tia mind right nowwww beeeen soooooo long caaaareeey

Soooooooooooooo sooooooooooo long felt him rellly relwmein

Diary!!!!!

Sitting besude him on his ramatpur ka room couch asking him forcing him to write in ur dairy and the waaaaaaaayeeee he pulls your leg closerr placesss his face over your leg leansss all over u and writes I. Ur diary and u just losteeee in him the waaaaaye he looooks in that moennt some somgeeeee and the waaaaaay they bing back some moemts just like that

Leris!!!!!

 Most of theee leris gies saaar ke uuupar se but one word stuckeup ur himmmhughdddd mind right now but babyyyyy meiiii kyuuuuuuu kyooooooo na teeeereeeey paaaaassss

Oooooo jaaannnnnneeeeee kyoooooooooo oooooooo

It calmeeee ur mind Dd kkki praaKRIYAAAAA right now n yet makeee u miss his seyeeeees his smiiiiieeeeee sound of his voiiiic ooooo jaaanaaaa kyoooooooo na meeeei treeee paaaas ayyyyyyy kis skinnnn too daaaadi of hisss fuzzz hair smellllleing it awaaay tasssstimg it awAaaay ayyyaaaaa kyooooooo

His lisssppppppppp ayyaaaaaaaaaaa oneeeee bitttt moutheeeful one chummmmieeee mei beeeeen that loooooon ayyyaaaaaaaa kyooooooooooooooooo

His haaaaane armssaaaa holeeeeeing awaaaay bittttieng his shodulddder Waaaaaay aaaayaaaaaaaaa kyooooooooooo ooooooo babbbbbbbey kyoooooooooo

Fineeertip!!!!

 This ouc tooo u comes across today on ista and him doineee the sameee standing at distnec run his han awaaay over ur face to ur nexk still at distance boedy wise and the exond u move the way his haaaaaanes used to move across u making u moveeeeee shivertttt a lillll n then hold ur hand let go n then just tiyxbeee the fingertt tips away n then move his hand acress ur pamne and biwwwwwww!!!!!!!!

Thi morninggg tooo the aaaaaaaay he stNdsddd at a distnaceee pushes u against the wL AND THEN move hisnshatr collar away a lil like tese u and that chukkkkkle of his that sound of hissassssss ayyyaaaaaaaa that look of his that awaaaaaays used to bringing that storm in uthat one feeeeeeeewwewel why wude he come like this thussssst often n not come for real caaarey why wude he wud that!!!!!!like just coning with coning acthallly as he does when u sleep like wakongaA also why wud he not wud that!!!!!!!like why

Namesgame

 This game ryodaay with them breaking dien the names and they starte off with fandom ones whooeeeeeeeee this miner right now!!!!!!!

Benee tittt cumberbitche

Haaaaaaasinitsssss

And one of goes chetannn who know no idea and the waaaaay blemev it on stolyyychinnayaeree taste n high it makes you sing awyeee cheeee tannnn tannnnaaa tannnntann tannn taaaraaa outie loud awayre and howww!!!!!

Face goes reds cause tye swond u start singing away the faceeee of his the himmmm moving his xolorrr away like opening thw windoweee awaaaay flashes throug your eyessss and you actually get off move and sing aaaaaye even now as the song plays ayyaaaaaa some moooooes he comes with nai leaveeee ur omagineeetion open n wildeeee away and howwww

Am twoling u nai theda no guy u seee paddy by talk to randomlw friendse of feiwnd tooo nothing u feeeel and thereiwz one dream of his one single himcominggggg and thus u it leaves u with this hiiiiiiiigheeeee sooooooo higheeeee

Like he came opened left all the switches in you on awaaayeee and howwwww

Wowwwwww howwwwwweeeeeeeeeeee

Chinnnaayaaa!!!!!

Stoly Chinnnayaaaa mixed with blue berricrubs lands you even more in himhighhhhhhd happppy place r now jowwwwwwww!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaayyyyyyyy him in bugerrgunddddddyeeeee loooking like one planeteeeeee fullll of cirsssspuyyy spiiiicyyyy tapiocaaaaa chipsswipsss I sayyyy lisppppsmalllking!!!!!

Sluuuuuup bolkeee kaaa jaaaaanaaaa uskuuuuuu!!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa crpsyyyyy chippppmaneee how inleueee you are evinced misssssed I say!!!!!!!

Mornings!!!!!

 This weather this HIM that yove been waking upto ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this mooooood this viiiiiibe he is!!!!!!!

How do you even like HOWWWWWW!!!!!!

Finding him in places people and sounds that hiiiiiigh this weather every single damn time……….

When he comes like this morning morning he has your pooooora ka poooooooooora heart and all things in between I say!!!!!

Said it before can say it over zillion trillion godzillion times away nothing absolutely nothing makes you feeeeeel the way anything Him does away and HOW…….

Thattttt moooooooooooood of his thaaaaattttttttt vibe of his and this mooooooooood this viiiiiibe it’s landed you in…….when all you keep playing on loop ever since the waking up is the waaaaaaaay he moves his burgundy shirt collar away and yesssssss that’s the current him trip color of this season and how sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxyhyyyyyed up he looks in that color ayyyaaaaaaa the waaaaaay even in that very moment he drives you mad and knowing that rush in you very well that one chuckle of his that follows after ayyyaaaaaaaaaa that sound of his laugh his chuckle looooooooove pure loooooooove madness level I say!!!!!!

That one visual that one sound is all you can hear and feeeeel away with this constant state of goosebumped skin since the waking up……..

Kaisaaaaaa thooooo bhi kyaaaaaaa haiiiii kiiiii!!!!!!!

Movie feeels!!!!

 Some movies visuals moments and this feeeeeel they give and leave you with!!!!!

There are over a zillion moments lived with him and this one moment for some other reason you live her fear in some moment takes you back to the opera moment……

Where first time something and you shake up and cry out shivering with fear and the waaaaaaaaaaaay he holds you closer as you try to move away and keeps saying it’s me karely it’s just me karely and holds you makes you keep your head on his lap and holds all of you and keeps saying it over and over again it’s me it’s just me it’ll always be just me trust me and holds you closer……like you didn’t even tell him then what it was bout and yet the way he did sense it already and as you start to share with him and that one second he let’s go if you and closes his fist tighter angry mad over it and then holds you back again……starts to chummi you all over and around it’s me it’s just me you are safe here with me I don’t ever want to see you get scared that way ever again……

It was after that very day itself you live another first and the waaaaaaaaaay he does most special yet another most special moemnt with him…….

And these visuals some moemnts form the film bring those back and HOW!!!!!!

It’s the waaaaaaaay he would could sense things bout you better than you ever did yourself…

That day too the waaaaaaaaaay makes you live him makes you learn and discover loving him that very evening at opera still stays the most special opera moemnt!!!!!!

It’s just feeeelijg all ajeeeb now thinking it all in details reliving it all in details this missing right now and you thought just the movie made it worse for you…….

It’s him from those moemnts it’s him in these words from the movie it’s him from these moemnts reliving right now he loved you that much!!!!!!???????!!!!!!!!!

How where what why only!!!!!!!!!

Him!!!!!

 It’s the waaay she feeels him coming closer the waaaaays it takes you back to those very moments even working out and he would suddenly come that close and just touch your leg away with his foot and then move in a different way around you…….it’s the way he would sit on the steps and then still talking would come closer to those times at his place heading to her room and he would suddenly pull you from back in his room and that feeeeeeeeel suddenly and the next second him out he would still be normal and you couldn’t you just couldn’t be normal or keep your hands off him……like the waaaaay he would know it all inside you and just chuckle away from far and this beautiful restless feeeeel for him like talking to her in her room on the bed and he would just come put some plate over and gently touch your arm away lean over bring his face closer and that feeeeeeeeel…..

It’s not like with time and distance now this feeeel for him it’s always been this way be it back then seeing him almost every day touching holding kissing him almost every day and yet that touch and go from him like hold you and just head out of the room and you with his sister couldn’t just couldn’t think beyond or off him……

Something’s you write wanna write can’t write and also knowing don’t wanna write ayyaaaaaaaaaa having felt his skin lived his presence HOW LONG ITS BEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These realisations lately!!!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!

 It was also the same place like opera where he loooved sharing bout you with you…..

The way he talks bout his love from the initial days and talks bout the first time he actually finally decided to come close and talk to you and that is only when you realise like he did try all that while before that actual moemnt…

When he asks you for the bench you were doing the whatever arm workout you thought you were doing…like with a straight face comes close and asks you if you were done with it and you nod a yes looking around but there were other benches too and then comes again closer this time and leans over showing what you are doing is wrong you need to do it this way and leans over puts his arm lower closer to you and shows you and that feeeeeeeeeel of how for the first time ever it didn’t shake you move you away and wanting to stay that way still living him from that close away…..

To many times after too anything that you are doing he would come around asking if you were done with it after a few instances you even ask him you do whatever I do and this time he nods saying a yes and walks away and that leaves you glued eye on him like holds you in the beautiful of ways still watching him as he walks to the other corner of the gym and turns around and smiles at you like he knew for sure that it will have you watching him from the back……

And I swear charlie to see him talk bout those days with you to share that love of his with you and all that while wondering why didn’t I realise this sooner and also that beauuuuuty of him sharing the same with you ayyyaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaaay he would amiiiiile away talking bout your postures not knowing anything at all and still working out doing your own thing away and he actually loved that bout you and that made him watch you initially……

Something’s and you realise you still haven’t changed a bit something’s still remain the exact same this beauty of writing something’s and realising some more beautiful things bout your own self nai……

Him that beauuuuuuuuuuty of your life ultimate madness and beauty of your life I say!!!!!!

Himcomings!!!!

 To the way she feels around him or he feels around her and mentions bout I have no control over me around you and it’s never happened before!!!!!

Exact words when it all plays back like you are in the present and living the visual to his sound of his voice…..

When he takes you to that fav street of his which now you are almost 99.999999 percent sure is the prashasan nagar hills lane cause back to back on previous to lrevious shoot when you chose that park as location and passing that lane by that many times that day that strong gut feeeeel of it being the same lane as it also had that water tanky when he takes you to that corner and asks you to step out and with heels on holds your hand away and shows you the neeeche ka view of that location like almsot complete city around and back in the car……talks bout how he used to come there with her and then again next time after love takes you there again and holds literally holds your face and kisses you and that very second moves a lil away and that Khushi on him I’ve never felt this way before…….

Also made you realise he must be coming there with her living moemnts the waaaaay he said it all without saying a word but his face his khusbi that very second after kiss the way he moves a lil away looks at you and that smiiiiile and stare of his some moments nai charlie can be etched in you forever there are these moments of him that you remember and then there are these that you this clearly remember exactly how he looked in that moment how he smiled watching you in that very moemnt this feeeeeeeeel right now reliving that one face of his away now nowwww!!!!!!

Visuals!!!!!

 At the studio and she wanted some outfit for sourcing and was on a call with some friend as you were finalising these designs and she mentions bout this movie and they discuss over it saying the way he loved her like they keep saying it again n again and finally says the movie name……

It was a different vibe today still fever on lately the way he comes comforting you holding you to this morning ever since the shampoo thing like your mind your hands in the hair and reliving his moments of doing the same sniffing it away and with that face on smile on the waaaay it used to make him happy smelling your actual hair scent away and not the fragrant shampoo one and that feeeeeeel nai charlie to be loved that way by him to see his smile every single time luckiest in the world!!!!!!!

And you come home mom sleeps in the room alone finally dinner on table lay on the floor sipping ice water working on final changes and play the movie on and a scene or two and the track from cigarettes after plays and that feeeeeeeeel!!!!!!!

Like you were close to changing the movie as it seemed too rom comish and get back to work beech beech mein watching it till the words and visuals start when he says the tongue…..

Those initial kisses go on but this one time at his place in his room against the famous all out wall he stops and says it the same way the tongue and you go hmm wondering what and he the waaaaaay he looked you in the eye that very moment smiles a lil and says it differently again give me your timgue even writing something’s can run down the shivers I say and how!!!!!

That one word from the movie and the exact same moment with him cause he was and has been your only kiss and love and all things in between I say!!!!!

It was after that day when he holds you and sits on the steps close to his room outside and asks you I am your first nai and holds you closer and you ask him how did he know and the waaaaaaaaaay he chuckles away chumming you again saying karely you don’t know how to but we have a lot of time don’t worry!!!!!

Something’s you write and this feeeeeeeeel now!!!!!!!!!

Wondering years after you again may not even remember how to again!!!!!!

Something’s nai!!!!!!!

Exactly it’s been very waaaaay tooooo long!!!!!!!!!

Unnamed!!

Name still hasn’t finalised for the collection as you just started the test today trying out diffeeent samples as the sketch artist couldn’t Get the flying bird right!!!!

Birds and mirrors would be it all!!!!!

This one thing you’ve decided to add mirror work as your main signature thing from here on goes without saying also has to do it all bout him ahhhhhh those were the days those mirror stares with him some when he comes on his own some stealing it away by dragging him away literally and the waaaaay he would lean over you for it and just watch you!!!!

This loooove recently working on these designs and not getting the bird right in flight mode drives you mad today almsot!!

But then they don’t make birds like Him anymore nai and ayyyaaaaaaaaa whattttteeeee bird he was every single time the waaaaay you would sneakily slow down a few steps just so you could stay back and watch him that flight mode and you didn’t want to tell him bout it and make him conscious bout doing the same cause how you looooooooved that way of him just slowly lifting his arms wiiiiiiide open and raises his head just a lil and every single time ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa your heart lived that beautiful sigh of how lucky did you get in life for having found him…

Anything to everything bout him used to amuse you like in that constant awe of him even till date some sound of his name any slightest him thing that you come across and that smile on you fataaaaak se to when around people face turning tomato red is that beautifully natural and on auto mode kind…..

This moooooood the movie the day today the hair sniffing the bird designing failing trying again and then seeing almost final not completely final made the day this damn good……

And it required that hint of LOAD of him was this movie not the story it’s these lilst bits from the movie and the waaaaaay it took you back to those many moments with him that almost if not ditto similar ones…….

Words and visuals I swear things they can do away is beyoooooond!!!!!!!!!

The waaay!!

 Some words land you in this moooood with this viiiiibe of all Him!!!!!

The way he loves her random talk bout some movie you happened to listen and finishing work the first thing you had to do was check it……

Some words nai do this to your mind - the way he loves her the second you hear that line the waaaaay your mind starts to play his love for you back then every lil moemnt right from the start to the big ones of his love and that feeeeeeeeling like can’t wait to get home and give it a watch…

Cause it also was a special day as you finally test out the samples for your next campaign that has all birds ofc inspired from the MOST GORGEOUS bird of your life - Him!!!!!!!!!

Right from the start today this mind smelling your own hair away even at work like you keep touching and sniffing your own hair away to that one comment from your model friend bout your recent look cause you again started to wear Kajal like you used to back then with him after almost a decade and the way she goes on bout why you didn’t all this while and why suddenly did you start now like what’s happening……

No clue this need to dress up like you used to back then with him silver jewellery even with shirts at work to Kajal like he used to like on you all smudged out……

It’s been feeeeling very different some change something beautiful it’s that feeeeeeeeeel of him again like you somehow feeeel that shift it’s madness writing it out but with the dreams lately wit his talks from the dreams lately to these moments through the day it all feels different now inside out beautifully different!!!!!!!

How why what it’s even no clue just feeeeelin it away!!!!!!

And the movie in question was my fault and it absolutely was a beautiful fault specially when your mind was already feeling it away since morning……

How only why only what only I say!!!!!!!

The Scent!!

 Getting ready for work after a very long break and this beauuuuuuty of the scent of nostalgia…

Order the Pantene shampoo regularly use from blinkit and they instead send this one and it’s only when you open the bottle use it now and the scent of it takes you back then…

It was prolly the only you used to use back then and this other shampoo by some other brand but the waaaaaay he could sense when it’s this one…

Cause before chumming your forehead this one habit of his to sniff away your hair cause howwwww he loved a freshly washed hair also the reason why you used to wash it that often cause otherwise the very first thing sheeeeee baaasi baaal leke ayi tu and still chummi it away!!

Driving away pulling you closer the very first thing dive his nose in your hair and then kiss away your forehead…

And as and when you wash it with this one the waaaaay it used to make him happy cause this one had barely any fragrance so that made him feel like his he was smelling your natural scent away…like he would initially ask which one it is and then the next times would fataaak se guess away its fructis no today…

How you still donno last week designs finalised and discussed for long you don’t remember details it’s been over 15 years now and yet his face his that one Khushi after guessing away the exact shampoo you’d used face this clearly you can still see in shower right now this very moment……..

Something’s nai it’s been feeling too much lately!!!!!!

Ajeeeb lagra bhot charloe to just realise how long it’s been!!!!!!!!

Like didn’t even realise and suddenly realise this long it’s been!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something’s!!!!!

 Something’s you can never get or grow used to!!!!!

Even after all these years any news serious news related to Bombay every single damn time the waaaays it worries you fataaak se get on gmail write delete write delete write delete and yet another mail goes unsend and saved to the drafts!!

Sudharteeee nai saaalo nikal gaye aadat nai jaaati nai…!

Himcomings…!

 There are himcomings and then there is this waaaaaay tbe waaaaaay he comes!!!!!

Down with flu since two days , missing him away over rains and clouds, and the waaaays he has been coming to the way he came this morning…..

Him in a burgundy same sheer softest shirt you know it’s THAT soft cause the second you see him stand before you the way he holds your hand and put it over his arm just like he used to waaay back then…..

Full grown beauuuuty of his daaadi eyes still sleepy to that beauuuuuuuutiful full smile of his and the way he takes you in this passage kinda way and you lost in the waaaaaaaay he just looks that BEAUUUUUUUUTIFUL cause all of these visuals were a lil blur around and in slowmo but him that beauuuuuuuutifully clear!!!!!

He shows you around these corners and the way it looks like his ramantapur ghar but changes like he was showing you the changes around light fixtures passage change and you just lost in him to this one thing in one corner it was all brass stand like thing with a beautiful bird at the top in brass too lined with a fine blue line and he stands there and tells you this is for you this corner I thought of you and plays something on his phone and the waaaay the Birds Eye lights up and your gypsy soul track starts to play……cause it had speakers too and then stands a lil away and just watches you cause it made you that happy as birds for you now is Him specially that one with fine blue line takes you back to all these times you missed him watching birds and recalling his human bird form at security checks and missing seeing him living him that way like even in that moment as you live that beauty of your track playing from it you actually think bout all these times of missing him watching birds…

To this one carpet the way it looked like the exact fields from your dreams of him where you always find him back in between the wild flowers looking like the most gorgeous wild flower you’d ever seen…

To showing you the shower and you love the shower head asking him zillion questions away bout the multiple ways of the shower drops from the head and he tries to show you some setting and asks you to take a closer look at it by going closer and you go closer and with some remote in his hand the shower turns on in slowest setting like rain soft drizzle and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel charlie of standing there watching him under the drops falling over you like close your eyes that second and again relive this missing of missing him with rains and open your eyes and he still was there looking at you smiiiiiiiiiiling away that smile of amsexyandiknowit kinda look on him and ayyaaaaaaa howwwwwww you looooooved that look too on him…

And few secs in and the way he raises his arm extends towards you asking you to hold his hand and even touching his hand like it all was moving that slow and zooooned in version like you could see his skin from that upclose over his arm same palm of his hand as you come out he places his blue towel over your head and starts to rub moving your head and hair and you hear someone calling him out at the back kittuuuuuuu kitttuuuuuuuuuuu Shriya kidhar hai kittuuuuuuu again and you rush and move or something and you wake up with hair all over your face under the duvet and looking for his hand over your head!!!!!!!

There are dreams and there are dreams that run your hopes highest possible way!!!!!!!

U didn’t want to write this one out and then also cause it was something you’d never lived dreamed before and wanted to write out and relive it as many times as you could…

Some dreams nai do that to you!!!!!!!

Cause there was that beauuuuuuuytiful connection of your past missing him to actually seeing them come true and reliving this time of missing him in ways similar to the ones that you lived for real……how trippy does that sound after writing it out!!!!!!

The one beauty you have most LOOOOOOOOOVED and lived your life in, Him…

I say there never was is or will be a visual as beauuuutiful a hooooman as beautiful as Him!!!!!!!

He could just stand there and look at you do nothing say nothing move nothing absolutely and still look his MOST ABSOLUTE BEAUUUUUUUUUUTIFUL BEST!!!   

All things magic and wonder ayyaaaaaaaaaa howlreeeeeeeeeeeeee if you only knew how are you being missed away if you had the slightest idea bhi!!!!!!

There should be something some power some magic when you miss someone this strongly that stirs up something in them letting them know letting them feel something anything that you missed them nai…

Visuals!!

 Right in the middle of a Sherlock Holmes kinda series and this one visual or from anything this one visual of music playing in a car parked to the side brings back the most beauuuuutiful memories of afternoons under the gym his car parked fink playing in the car him sitting with you on the steps and just living that beauuuuuuuty of him sharing random things away with you…including showing pictures of his then ex Indira on his phone!!

And then waiting for your reaction over it with that adooooooooorable smile on him!!!!!!!

There was everything else on one side and then there was just him just that sheeeeeer beauty of him being just Him in the most gorgeous of ways all of it the sound of his fink playing in the car…

Ever since then this one visual any similar vibe thing and the waaaaaaaaay it always brings back the most happiest you’d ever been, living him away!!

Words…

 Some words and the waaaaaaaaays they string away your heart is just beyooond every possible logic…

To clearing out and sorting out images to edit and this one from the shoot where you are all sweaty rushing to spot to spot crossing fingers not to lose the morning light for each outfit and right in the middle of it as she walks around taking off the heels and you are clicking away randomly trying to fit the outfit color with the background color and you stop her to take that one shot cause it had these money plant leaf reflection all over the tiles below…

Today as you post it and the way she calls it the masterpiece shot you clicked apart from the rest of shots you’d shot for the campaign, again his logic karely anything you do must come from the heart that’s why all I can think of in terms of setling work wise it would be films cause it comes from my heart…one of those conversations where you ask him why movies and he starts of his childhood days of watching his mom work over seeing her passion over it and it somehow grew over him too…that one terrace had waaaaay too many stories if you think of it now!!

Sooooo yaaaaa that money plant leaf reflection immmeeeeediately fataaaaak se takes you back to that one image by him on Instagram captioned all you need is love…with your fav clouds as the backdrop almost same time where you were missing him over the sight of the very same clouds and reliving that conversation wit him from back then…bout a moment where you tell him bout the clouds and insanely beautiful sky yesterday and he adds with yaaa I was on the same time on the terrace too having a drink or something and was just watching the clouds instead…it’s like sharing a moment of what you both loved the sky the clouds the night sky specifically over phonecall nights till mornings…

And the way that day too at Aaromale the way it all stops to that one moment and you just stand there smiling away to that one visual…or to that one moment where checking on jewellery and you keep your phone on the platform kinda thing and she takes it thinking it was hers and sees the wallpaper and goes owww mehboobabad and you checking helwellry smiling biggest smile possible and the next obv question what’s the story behind it shriyaa!!!!

And you switch it away by heading to the next location instead but some moments nai stay with you and HOW!!!!!!

To this very moment now playing his music sipping away plain ice water cause it’s Thursday and working on edits and take a break for a bit and get on insta and the very post you see and that feeeeeeeeeeel and beauuuuuuuty of living him away and the pureeeee joy it used to bring your heart!!!!!!!

To see him smile every single time used to make your heart smile away…!

Something’s nai!!!!!!!!

HOW!!!!!

 How do you even stay calm on the outside and act all normal when there’s this much him rushing on the inside and HOW!!!!!

Like act normal work normal with the load of edit to finish like the mind the eaaaaaaaaaays the mind keeeep floating off and away to anything him……like suddenly pooof and your mind is gone not in the place where you are at in a fraction of a second or a sound or on shoot or a visual or a dream or a drop of the rain…

It’s been too many dreams too many moments of magic too much wait tooooooo much missing lately like the highs of the day to the drop by the time you come home….. and sit and reflect back missing him in the presence after the himtrip kinda vibe of the evenings lately…

The waaaaaaaays he has been coming and still doesn’t quite come kinda mooood…!

Reflection!!!!!

 It’s like the second you are there the visuals THE MUSIC takes not just your mind but all of you away and HOWWWW!!!!!!!

People standing there taking selfies making videos and you find this one corner get your chappals off and just sit there plug-in opera cigarettes after sex track and just be…….

It was like not just the visuals it was like living him from the start of it al to just stepping down his Dd stairs and him still standing at the door and as you atek every step that wait in you for him to call you back inside ask you stay home stay longer and you wait witb every step down…

It was like living this journey of him living him loving him growing in love with him by the day for all these years stronger with every year passing by……cause it’s only recently that you realise it’s been almsot over 9 years now since you met him…it was in 2015 July 31!!!!!!

Like that one almsot an hour was nothing you’d felt before almost the same as being with him in that state of trance almost like you suddenly feel everything deeper you find yourself moving and yet moving in that flight state of mind the colors moving the visuals moving the waves in one frame the sound of waves crashing by takes you to that moemnt at his Versova space standing there at the fence watching the sea and waiting for him to come out and that one sound of his voice from the back whaaaaats uppppp and the waaaaay the heart on the inside feeeeeels away that same gush of the waves on the outside like wooooooosh bolke sweeeps you off and away to that moment when he comes and stands beside you exactly same way as you with his fingers inside the fence same as you and you look at him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaaaaay he looked gorgeous in that kinda knit you’d never seen megore in the waaaaaaay he smiiiiiiles and then looks at the sea again and asks you kya kaarri beach dekhri ittte door se aaake!!!!!!

Some moments nai etched in you forever like it was just yesterday you’d seen him there no wonder Versova the place has your complete heart cause you found him again there after years found his love again in that very place there after years………

Talking bout that one meet every single time the waaaaaay it makes you feel is beyoooooooond like right now from writing bout the expo experience the waaaaay the mind gets drawn and pulled closer to Versova him!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this lil heart of yours!!!!!!!

Waking up!!!!!

 It was some dream of his again one on repeat and the wAaaaaaaaays it’s been leaving you in a state of all the more lost and at work like you just couldn’t function and decide to get away from it all for a bit and try and book the van expo and couldn’t boon the same day tickets an hour later or something a call from another model friend asking if you’ve been to the expo and she had tickets for it but had sudden shoot to handle and destiny’s it was fataaaak se say a yes evening show it was…….

This one time at his Dd space him in his room and you going through his things in the living room and on one Corner on the floor you see these sheets of paper with his writing and from his bedroom he tells you or he was sitting outside not to go closer to his script there and you literally run to it reading these lines away talking bout some godot artist who couldn’t get some art of his right and wakes up to the alarm every morning to the routine and was frustrated over it or something it was…….

And the way he comes closer asking you to drop them and as you turn leaving the sheets he was that close that high eyes stare of his and holds you by your waist slowly moving his hands across your waist not completely holding you but just feeeeling you away and tells you it’s inspired from this artist asks you if you knew bout starry night painting and you nod holds you a lil closer and then mentions bout the artist but it’s when he suddenly transforms into this your mind your ears every sense in you used to go that beauuuuuutifully numb and all you could feeeel see live adoooore loooooove go mad over was Him the way he was moving closer over moving his hands over and that slow tone of his voice…

He had mentioned bout the same artist in a few chats too and you knew nothing bout it back then…

And this one expo you’d been wanting to but somebody had mentioned it’s too romantic and you’d been avoiding anything romantic to not make things even more worse for you as it’s already is……

And that day you just had to wanted to so bad and like it was almost destiny you had to……

Be there and in the entrance there were these artworks with details about the start and end of the artist there were mostly couples around or people just for the selfie sake of it…

But the music the vibe the stories the almost life written over with the artworks there moves in a way you’d never felt before like you were almsot in tears and you don’t even know why…

Like it shook you in a way you’d never experienced something like that before it was all of it and yet nothing like you didn’t even know why for that seconds you had tears in your eyes it wasn’t sad or something just can’t put some word on how it felt…….

After that the lights installation trippy beautiful romantic stuff where you would want to live that one face of your life under those lights with that music playing the music there was phenomenal moooody and beautiful!!!!!!

From that to the place THE PLACE where you lost yourself just like you used to with him in his presence the beauuuuuuuuutt of that place you still can’t get over!!!!!!

Sunday blues…

 He has almost stopped posting or like posting with that setting of unknown people can’t really see the story kinda thing that you recently got to know bout from one of the friend!!!!

But it’s this viiiiibe of it’s own sundays come with like every day there is that wait in you to see that most loved circle over him but on sundays the waaaiiiit is even stronger than everyday and again one of those things you can’t really get used to!!

Like all day you hold onto your moms phone with that one hope with that one waiiiiiit in you for anything him lilst bhi…

Like all day you chose to stay home with that madness level of heat like now can’t wait for the monsoons to arrive again that one season like always…

That’s a story for another day this feeeeeel you’d been avoiding to write out post the van expo and finally just wanted to after this discussion with the new manager regarding the details to post with the upcoming one and finalise the name as Chamki…

Every single time!!!!

 Every single time you live some visual in a movie that stirs something in you this strongly like this visual of the male actor eating and her watching him do that takes you back to that moment at his dd space…..

For lunch when he asks you to get the dabbas from his home in his this kitchen…..

Checking each dabba and getting disappointed with nothing interesting but ayyyaaaaaaa the waaaaaaaaay he eats the food where seconds back he was complaining bout the chikudkayi and asking which dabba you would prefer and which one he would pick…and gives you chikudkayi dabba that afternoon to just live that beauuuuuuuuty of him eating food made you that happy that level of happy in the heart kind happy!!!!!!

Like you were hungry seconds back but to just seeeee him charlie the way he was eating that food wit that much love on his face in his eyes in the waaaaaay he was just smiiiiling away to just live those moments of just watching the only and most loved human of your life looking his beauuuuuuuuuutiful best in just a moment that lil but that important to you the waaaaaay it’s stayed with you like this even after years now!!

It’s this quality bout him that you most loved the way he lived every moment loved every moment as he lived even the most random ones the way he loved the night skies to the sound of his fav music sight of his fav food visual of his fav person or his lucky for that matter to just see his level of happiness in those moments made you the HAPPIEST in the world!!!!!!!

To relive fhat visual of him from that very moment right now also making you re realise how much you miss every lilst thing bout him too…

Lilst moment of him too!!

That beauty of to just live Him…!

How HOW!!!!!!

 How do you take him to be on repeat himcomings like these on repeat in exact or more intense way and telling you the exact same thing on repeat to just be a dream…

This mind right now there’s toooo much to scream out loud in a way cause it’s that level of missing last few mornings of waking upto him like that and thennnot finding him……..

THIS state of mind right now!!!!!   

How!!!!!

 Is it even normal to feeel away tooooo many things all at once!!!!!

And not want to get back to normalcy n still stay afloat over a dream…