Mind is weird!!!

 Mind prolly is the weirdest organ of the body I say!!!!!

It seems something and yet feels something else only!!!!

Like I always say has a heart of it’s own only….just doesn’t see understand relate to the happenings on the outside has a way mind heart of its own only…just goes by with all the feels just the feels!!!!

Atleast yours does!!!!

Wish I never met you and not necessarily the rest of the track does it and take a step back again and delete him too….off WhatsApp !!!!

Cause that you can’t be for anybody like that’s level worse once in somebody’s life !!!!

That sense of wishing not having met them at all is like wishing for the disappearance altogether!

How you sensed something in that visual how it did bring you back to living the same place almost in the dream with him standing there trying to make you understand the place realise you were at opera or maybe all this again is just your mind….

Too high on his dreams I say!!!!

Everytime you feel this way this lost again the way it always takes you back to that moment him on your lap still holding you and asks you what will you do someday if you don’t have me in your life and you just pause black couldn’t say a word nothing at all after a long pause holds you closer chuckles away saying don’t worry I can’t do without you either Beas just joking!

Didn’t know back then, still don’t year’s  later…

Can grow stronger with everything everyday but matters of love and heart!!!!! 

Can deal with everything else in life , dreams n moments again are beyond everything…!

Visuals!!!!!

 From that very moment of the dream this morning to being out for work finally today as you just didn’t wanna move or do anything all these days!!!!!

Get done at work a lil early today and go out for just a drive and take the orr from there on with his that one song playing ever since on loop….

The lyrics a lil disturbing that one line wish never met you feels ajeeb but that one sheeeeeer beauty of the vibe of the drive the track playing the beat the sound the vibe of this one track is something else!!!!!

His drive stories being your most fav where you did decide not to see his stories anymore and just be but the second she leaves her fone before more than 20mkns straight that one feeeel I tell you and just do!!!!!

Still trying still struggling with some changes but the second you see the drive the highway that Beaty charlie of some visuals every single time those drives with him on the highway living that beauuuuuty of him living those moments wit him like from knowing his details to falling rising in love with each one!!!!!! Beyond words and magic!!!!!!

Maybe that’s why maybe also why you miss it that much and just to live those moments over his story bhi means that much with his of course mind n music playing that whole vibe of that story was beyond!!!!!!

Becomes your recent fav one with that one sound beech mein and him telling you back then I can still hear you in my car!!!!for reasons!!!!!!

Sooooo yaaaaaah

Today on that drive live that beauty of that one sound on loop and the same visual from the dream to him standing living it and that sudden visual change cut to that story of his from that place that made you feel something you just dint  know it was Opera charlie!!!!!!

He was at opera then!!!!!!

That visual raining skies golden grass like fields around that same hill like space with road ahead back then it did have a road too but it was unused with pieces of glass shattered around!

Years back he did mention too the place has changed so much you wookdnt even realise it’s opera and it will change that memory of yours of opera !!!!!

That place was opera he was at opera!!!!!!

That one sudden realisation today that one feeeeel charlie just recalling it same road stretch more importantly what caught your attention was the same golden grass like mini field like patches all around that same vibe of away from everything else!!!!!

That one realisation today that one feeeeeel where your heart just screamed out inside HE WAS AT OPERA!!!!!!!

Something’s nai!!!!!!

Something’s only!!!!!!!!

Dreams n visuals…!

 This post had to had to happen!!!!!

Of all the things the state of mind you’ve been in over everything else to just live that visual live that moment and connect with the present visual and relive it over again was something else today!!!!!

These very things sometimes don’t make any sense…

Days before the block he did post this one story over a highway sort of place the long road ahead to that other one being his car ka picture as it rains!!!!

It was raining that day is when you realise he was in Hyderabad to that one strong feel of that visual like in an instant you could sense something but it take it to be your usual search for something!

To this day in the morning this one beautifully strange dream you walking into the woods dense woods big trees around with that slow sound in the background playing like couldn’t really understand which track it was but some familiar sound as you walk more there were these fields around like suddenly from that deep tone of forest you suddenly could see the tone of the place around changing and turning that beautifully golden with trees to these smaller more field like place around there was sunshine suddenly around that didn’t feel too warm just that beautifully right…..it’s like the tones weren’t just changing on the outside it was you on the inside too……

There’s that thing bout that zone when you sometimes feel like from searching for something with that sense of lost ness to that sense of finally finding something reaching somewhere that sense of finally being at a place arrival reaching somewhere kinda vibe…

Is when you realise all that while waking through the woods you were looking for something only after there between the fields that sense of finally finding something….walk a lil more ahead and there was him standing at the end of the road from the woods to the fields and then there was this proper road ahead and there was Him standing at the other end hands in his pockets his usual style of standing with leg crossed and that one signature smile of his and then looks around in a way asking you to take a look around……

As you look around a lil dooor you could see that same image of the opera face like could just see it the borderline thing kinda visual…..

Is when it hits you you were at opera and as you look around more the same golden grass like fields around the same being on the hill kinda feel away from everything else with the road ahead leading you to him…

That shock that feeeeeel of being in the place same place after a decade shakes you up and you wake up!!!!!

That one feeeeeel of the dream HIM his face his smile to just live that presence of his his same signature way of standing and living that moment with you of making you realise something just by looking at you and waiting for your reaction stays with you and HOW!!!!!!

Dreams your ultimate saviour I say!!!!!

It’s the way they calm away any storm in you and HOW!!!!!!

This mind now!

 Don’t even know what to write where to start or how to get this out this mind right now This mind today!!!!!

It was the day of your first ever interview thing for the brand as a designer…..days back when a local fashion lifestyle magazine approaches for a feature as one of the upcoming ones kinda thing a few pictures done for the feature sit down for the interview and takes a break for some call you head out as you were shit nervous bout the whole thing and that need to see him for a bit and gone he was again!!!!!

That very second charlie it was again the worst feeling ever like suddenly dropped all over again!!!!!

Off n how!!!!!

That very moment look up and just that one lil inside conversation is it really that hard to actually be at peace for once wishes moments finally to just be able to live him even be it as friend bhi and that too you couldn’t just be okay with!!!!!

It’s one of those moments charlie when you just donno what why you of all the people why just you!!!!!!

Time up had to get back for the interview and she asks a few things and you just couldn’t speak a single word you were working on this for 2 days straight what to say how to say you were nervous but confident to do it and then suddenly it was all gone off your mind nothing on the mind just that state of sudden blankness like where you are what are you doing who are these people that sudden state of being lost again!

Call it off walk away out for a drive driver still asking where to couldn’t even answer to that and finally get back home!!!!

U really didn’t want to write this mind out but just this feeeeel inside that can’t make any sense of!!!!! To just get away from it all!!!!

Happiness the real sense of being happy being alive being content feeling at peace is truly truly one of the most difficult things to find truly is!!!!!!

For you it’s always been that one lil beautiful something and yet!!!!!!

This is exactly why you didn’t wish to write and also why this need to write out

Till you get better good bye it is charlie!!!!!!

Cause feeling it in the mind still sounds better than reading your mind out now!!!!!

That one thing…!

 A zillion things in life couldn’t care less, just that one thing in life, just that one thing and………….

Not even your mind!

U see people around one partner with the other and still looking at someone random and then flirts in the absence of the other and it still was their new wedding thing it’s things like these and then there is that feeel of a love still in absence still making no sense how or what but just that strong feel like it’s a presence for real it’s not even your mind cause it’s just there a dream you are scared and he is there a difficult day and he is there that unsettling feeling and something bout him in that very moment lost in a crowd you barely know and he is there too!

Know these are random know it’s not reality but the way it feels in that moment charlie is beyond just real the way it makes you feel on the inside like something just moved that one sudden shift of something and exactly like what you did tel him is the way it is cause it’s not upto you anymore never was…..

It’s always been him charlie the way you felt that shift in that moment too when you just wanted to stand there and watch him walk that walk towards you with his head down the way it just held you not wanting to move or look away or care bout anybody around just stand there and live his presence live that moment with him right there watching him take that every step closer to you and only once enough close he looks up is when you realise that was the first n only face you literally stared through n through !!!!!

Even as friends to those moments of just living that beauty of his presence or as lovers before moments or after to just live that face live that presence of his and especially those drives back from opera that one smile on him different that beautifully distinct and different to the other smiles of his it was different!!!!!

How do you even get all of that out of you how do you even unlove a love like that one…!

Today just that whole atmosphere and music or the strong beer it was that one feeeel charlie!!!!!!!

Made you feeeel too many things all at once!!!!!!!!!

Today!

 It’s that feeeeeling charlie having food listening to their conversation and yet mind is on that flight mode lil rose high and THAT much of him high with every song that one feeel of him with that lil inside conversation I know what you are doing to me kinda thing as the song plays!

It’s like that lil world in your head that’s off n away from everything happening on the outside to much later when she mentions there is this small party thing her family had arranged for her n husband post wedding thing and you had to attend n stuff with her on way back!

To the sec she mentions bout dressing up or you to change and you go as it is!

Once there too many people you had no idea bout who was who with your manager at the bar already you find your space and just be…..

Still looking at the first self shot shoot pics and that one song his music again nicolas Jaar one that he shared with you back then!

That one feeeeeeel charlie where the heart goes okay there you are!

A crowd around you off n on hellos n his cause you barely knew anybody with just beer in one hand and suddenly him all around !!!!!!

That sense of ambience suddenly transforming to all him and as you look around it was dark already and the sky that beautifully lit with the lightening on n off and that chill in the air as it was rooftop!

That one feeeeeeel and just that need to see him and comes online for a bit tabhi!

Some moments even in that moment just that one smile and play his music on and just be……

That one corner somebody talking to the manager at the counter and the hairdo from the back white shirt jeans and that feeeeeeel charlie it was like in your mind you were seeing him there like the mind does this to you or maybe the beer was too strong n bitter but that one feeeeeel charlie!!!!!

The music the chill in the air and just that feeel of him high and the hairdo exactly as his and your mind lost it sure was and HOW!!!!!!

The person turns you look away turns around back at living the hairdo cause that’s how much you’ve missed his actual presence to live him for real and is when you realise how you’ve lived him loved him passionately howlaly anyway the way it’s just his presence that you look for find peace in you don’t feel empty in those moments there’s nothing that you miss in that moment but just that peace that love that something in finding Him in moments like these…..

Living that moment still that echo of his words when he says concerned for you that you are wasting that much love on wrong person cause he doesn’t feel that way for you…..

You can never make anybody love you charlie there’s nothing you can do bout it and once in love there’s nothing anybody can do to change that either…..

It’s beyond you it’s just beyond you…!

No matter what the situation circumstances are you just can’t do a thing bout it, it’s just love and just love that you feel!!!!!

It’s that feeeel charlie no mans presence nobody’s that you look for in anyway attention conversation anything at all cause you are that full of Him!!!!!

And not caring bout him not loving you anymore is when you also understand it’s not obsession or anything negative either cause now the one online is the friend the one that you live in your moments dreams is the Him…..

Today just living those moments of filling up for his absence the way it was making you feel how you feeeeel all this for him it’s how much his love back then living him loving him back then in lilst of moments has filled you away with that much of him….it’s like there’s nothing more to change it for somebody else there’s no space more there’s no love more as weird as this sounds when you miss love when you miss moments of love in anyway it’s him that you miss with and not just miss living that side of love!!!!!!

It’s the way he is just there charlie no matter where you are what you are doing the waaaaay everything inside of you just feels transformed like you can just feeel the love in random most moments through the day with you no matter what!!!!!

Howlaaa wrong person Kate!!!!!!

What do you how do you even tell him when he calls it wasting on somebody wrong !!!!!!

Howleeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

You were missed…!

A day…!

 Days back when he replies to that picture mail of yours !

Watching some couple doc on holiday and the drive to nature done with it and still not sleepy play his music candles up in your room looking at the nite sky and you donno when you fall asleep for a bit a sec or two maybe and that same feel that shake to just check and there was him like always you didn’t feel the ring or hear it but just that sense of Him and there he was!!!!

Message of him saying he missed out on checking earlier and saw it then and had messaged for the same….reply back and that question first what you doing up at this hour!

Something’s no! Mind setting back to the friend mode and just reply that way making sure you don’t write smthing that makes him feel otherwise cause he made that bit very clear that day about the friends thing now!

To just that after feel charlie that calmness it’s different very different it just calms you in a way with that sigh after and just like that stil on the bean bag you fall asleep with his music on…..

How why what you donno it’s just that call it love call it whatever Him things bout him things to do with him have always been this way!

He is right about everything he said that day but what you felt loved lived all this while what happens with you around you it’s not in your control you just can’t help it!!!!!

It’s that love you still feel the way he wakes you up lays beside you with you the way he is just there charlie every single morning moments through the day the way you just feeeeeeeel him that much that sense of him his breath his touch his presence the way it that strongly is still there completely different to the current story line you are living exactly opposite where you try n pull yourself away and the way he pulls you even more closer saying things making you realise feel his still love for you!!!!!

And last few mornings you just decide there are two different people one your best friend one the love of your life that you live with your eyes shut…..literally!

Days like these and then there is a day like this one too!

Started off with walkins finally and it’s become a lil hectic today being a lil chilled out and ths one client first now a friend s of yours drops by at the studio as she is In India for two weeks with a bottle of rose plays a playlist on her fone with a lil celebration thing for your studio walkins over lunch!!!!

The playlist with every lucky ali song possible!!!!!

Through the noon high on him first like always then rose and then his music…

That one smile on the face I say that just wouldn’t go away where they keep mentioning how your face was evident enough that your mind was on a trip off n away on its own…..with your body still there!

Way too long!

 Been waaay too long and this time more so cause there was so much to write say out to just feel out and then you knew if you did write that first word down it’ll all come out and then to read that state of mind wasn’t something you are anyway prepared for well in adv!

It’s that thing charlie sometimes it’s just better off in your head than to write it out and then read your own mind out is when it sort of makes it all the more complicated …

This time was different felt different cause suddenly all those dreams moments all these years that you’d felt and more importantly lived suddenly lost the meaning all of it like all this while it was just you….. your mind!

The beauty of the difference being you found your friend back may not be the same way but that beauty of just presence charlie like suddenly all the other feels for him gone wooosh bolke all you felt was that clean friend vibe kinda vibe like struggling still cause the only man you’ve ever felt things for lived things for suddenly it all just got transformed back to clean friend but that beauty sheer pure beauty of a presence and you’ve been getting these compliments the way suddenly it looked like you’ve changed looks wise looking better with those sudden compliments from manager clients mom you are looking pretty aaj kal even with that sudden calmness in you it was showing on the outside losing weight with those compliments on n off!!!!!

Till you see it for yourself in those rose high selfies at the studio!

Back then too charlie post opera meets and you look at yourself in that mirror of his in car and check for any his color of love on you and the way the waaaaaaay he would tjat beautifully slow the car down take it to the side and drive dheere watching you look at your own self and you look at him ans ask him a zillion times how come his love makes you glow that beautiful like suddenly you are transformed you just look different than to what you did before!

And that one smileeeeee of his just that one smile with that one nod of his only much later did he tell you the reason but it’s always been that way charlie it just does something to you where on the inside there is this vast calmness not sad not upset just being just be…..that one beautiful not unsettling but just that state of calmness with work and everything !

To a day like this one today moments like these that always always give you that feeeeel of this is why this is exactly why you feel the way you do and what you feel is yours alone!

To just these selfies that make you see the change literally!

It’s acceptance maybe, can’t change the way things are can’t change the way you are cause it’s always been this way always has been…

Photograph…

 Visuals this beauty of visuals and words…

His eyes his daadi his hair just the way he looks in that picture the way your mind automatically goes back to all the times lived him and his beautiful details…

One picture and wooosh bolke all of him just like that right from the very start!

This mind even right now just recalling !!!!

It definitely is going to be tough but will this time…!

Sunday mornings…

 Done with the chat work out a bit play an Aston Martin doc and just be with his music still playing the mind has never been that blank before!!!!!

Like you couldn’t see a thing bout the doc sense anything at all it was that blank…..

To that one dream similar one that you did dream before with cement pillars of grey all around like a grid and you run around through them trying to find your way out and door see him on the grass waiting for you asking you to come over and lay beside him and the way he talks bout how long he was there for you to come over…..to that full tree door him showing you the same in a way like he was connecting that much lived and dreamed tree dream of yours suddenly writing these moments again from the dream doesn’t make any sense anymore!

Sooo yahhh this one too was the same just the difference being you keep running around trying to find your way out ajd couldn’t see him anywhere one pillar after the other keeps popping up after you cross to that one vibration….cause now when asleep you keep it on silent and yet the way it moves you wanting to check the fone and it was him with just a smiley!

Some moments some habits I tell you don’t go won’t go the way all of you just like that senses away his presence any presence….messages being one of those too even back then no matter how asleep one message of his and much before that you just used to know it’s him bolke and the call or message after…..

This morning too same thing only setting your mind to how to communicate as just a friend and being careful bout it…..

Talks bout waking up late and you tell the same cause his text did wake you up and you alone know what it meant to you!

To Yaha waha ka talk and asking for a selfie and the second he shared his picture a friend clicked one and a selfie the second you see him that one heart I say!!!!!!!

He will always be that one face in the world for you!!!!!

Always will be!!!!!

Last night you decide to quit writing just so you are able to make those changes in yourself hoping that would change your dreams just to change yourself in ways and this morning the second you see his picture ayaa that one heart!!!!!

But in that strongest and both weakest moment too the way the mind was that set in not reacting like you used to earlier over his pictures like literally say out your heart feels in words after seeing his picture this too a learning process I say!

Startinf with lil changes not seeing him often on WhatsApp still making your mind training your mind over lil things…

The continuation!

 The chats whatsapp ones to this beautiful skype one also youd saved read it after years now!!!!!

Back then too he used to mention sometimes how he was passionate and you somehow didn’t!

Recalling that you with him reliving that side of you with him after years yesterday was that one realisation how in fact you were maybe same or more passionate bout him than he was…..it was your first time phase of liking loving the whole idea of intimacy him being the first and only one you’ve lived that with not sure if writing it out here is right but just this need to write your mind out write what you are as a person cause this you did realise it only yesterday bout yourself….

It was the continuation that you missed the connection the missing of connection that sort of made you go back to your shell like today you sure may not remember how to chummi now like going back to the start all the way!

It’s how you feel charlie like that continuation of a process of loving someone bit by bit and the second you are there that one disconnection again pulling you back at the start again….you we’re definitely most immature when he was being the most adorable one possible not really getting it and with your own inhibition of missing out on the whole continual process of loving it instead looked like you lacked the passion for love to love…..

There’s so much of him in you from all the first times to just that feel of him that you couldn’t just couldn’t picture yourself living it allowing somebody to even get close to what you felt wit him and all of this wasn’t something you were deciding making yourself do but who hota nai andar see you don’t just feel like the way the skin denies a touch a love a presence kinda thing!

Reading that Skype chat of his you could exactly relive his very expressions in some words when you mention look at your face look at your nod see the way you are smiling all of these mentioned in the chat you could relive the exact same expressions of his as you read em yesterday….

There was that mix of feels yesterday to relive that him relive that you immature one but that beauty of living those first times with him and him mentioning the same how he knew it all…..

To that feeling after the chat trying to make yourself understand the situation and knowing how to draw the line and address talk chat as friends it’s like still writing not even close to what it all felt like….

There is this calm charlie weird calm how just having him as a friend too did leave a smile on your face….

Some realisations and moments you can never be prepared for well in advance nai!

Some conversations!

 What you thought was an unblock wasnt really one….and you ask him away why did he do that and replies back bout not having any clue over it as he was just resetting the app n stuff!

Never before did you ever feel that level of being embarrassed ashamed over a situation the way you felt with this one…..

To the conversation moving towards how he had moved on in life and it being a thing of his past now….ab its not necessary right if you still in love witb him he too had to be same!

But all through that conversation charlie that one thing what was it that you werefeeling all this while then just you just your mind ?!

He has never been this blunt before and that itself made it that clear bout your presence in his life to that moment when he mentions of all the things would you still be a friend of mine and be okay with me having moved on as it was scaring him in some way ab kya bolna charlie…..

Apart from loving him if theres that one thing that youve always wished for him was him to be happy no matter what him saying he has changed and wanted to be someone he was compatible with and already had someone it was like him sharingthings with you back then different topic though but that vibe of something’s when you cry for a bit and the second he mentions bout being friends was you switching that love switch off now forever…..

Thats drawing the line off n away from loving him to just being there as a friend to try n see him just that way talk that way make sure you dont say a thing that makes him feel otherwise to that flow of conversation of sharing your work finally with him telling him where you were n all to him mentioning bout you saving up his chats the way him like always knowing you very well was sure bout youhaving his chats saved….asks you to mail them and as you do sit n read them along after years now!!!!!

That one feeel of realisation it fills you up with!!!!!

Some moments that beautiful ironic but that pure raw beauty of some moments…!

This blankness!!!!

 Came here to write out also when you were that close to quitting  writing out completely!!!!

Now here reading your mind and dreams the way it all suddenly feels this pointless all of those dreams lived moments lived everything every bit of it pointless and still at the same time still wondering why did it all feel that real then if it wasnt meant to be felt real!!!!!

To just that lil spark of happiness when everything lost that you thought you had and yet find your friend back again…..

The most beautifully ironic of all situations i say!

All this while it was just you just you and your mind feeling it to be for real…everytime you write it now then how did he feel that strongly real!!!!

Still this blank, should’ve avoided reading the dreams first!

Most loved time of the year!

 Most loved time of the year nite of the year!!!!!

Some moments also make you re realise why it's always been this special!

In the balcony looking at the sky look this magical his voice his words and it was noise and smoke pollution!!!!

It's like you can still hear his sound the conversations him all excited bout his fab festival and you just amazed at how happy you finally were on the festival that you had the worst memory with and now with him it did become your most fav one too...

His voice laced with that level of excitement and Khushi also cause his paaadmini neighbour and family couldn't realise it's him cause of his transformation!!!!

To just that need of being with you on the fone to just hear you and you the very same too.....that beautiful feeling of being in two places at once with him too!

Some experiences I say!!!!!!!

Every single one with him!!!!!!!

All heart and love!!!!!!!

Echoes...

 Echoes of a distant time...

You know what theres too much smoke in the air too many firecrackers around can barely see you know, but then am also adding upto it and I will some more and call you back again to check if you haven't slept as yet!!

Just called to share how the sky looked on a Diwali night!!

Beauty of some visuals Echoes of a distant time...smoke in the air tonight too where everything looks this beautifully misty and his words that sense of excitement in his voice just burning those crackers and also that immediate need to share the visual of a night sky with you whilst living that very moment - beautiful, best times!

A lit heart I say!!!!

 From that very moment it was Diwali for you like heart the inside of you filled with lights ekdum see to that moment of realisation after a few hours when you check ur Instagram he didn’t unblock you there…..

This has happened before too mostly does this when he is bout to say smthing same thing like you know and block you back !!!!!

It’s weird nai how the tiny heart feels smthing and that fear too with it cause it’s that happy like THAT level of happy and with that level comes fear too…..

Trying to your hold your mind best possible!!!!!

That feel when you know has happened a zillion times but things like these you can never get used to and be okay with it nai…not like itteeee bar hua ab kya Farak padta but things that really matter to you will always matter regardless of the number of times or situations!!

For now mind this happy after a very long time living the feel that it loved the most the most loved bit of your life - to live Him…

And who bhi of all days aaj Diwali it is…

A very happy one!!!!!!!

Howleeeeee how only You are being missed ayyaaaaaaa if only you knew!!!!!!!!!

HIM!!!!!

 To just see him live him after this long like it takes a while for you to settle with that beauty of a presence of his to actually believe he was really there from that moment to the moment from the dream this morning the way it was that beautifully insync now to think of it the way that moment from the dream feels so real like this strongly connected the way he kept saying am right here look at me am here with you and hours later he actually mein was there charlie!!!!!

Right then and there that one scream loud heart scream charlieee he is here bolke is when you realise strange noo how it’s become that this necessary to share these moments out here to just write it out cause you actually can’t verbally scream it out loud the Khushi the rush of that moment and writing here is as good as the scream pretty close!!!!!

Mind that state of mind soon after living his presence ayyaaaaa that handsome with some small bindi like thing over his forehead his backpack just like he used to back then at the gym that also had his stash and his diary along!!!!

Visuals this plain mad love for the visuals and how they can fataaak se make you allow you to time travel just with a glimpse of something…..

To just live him charlie ayyaaaaaaa how you’ve missed it how bad to that Khushi to just keep living him even from work discussing work distributing sweets with one hand on fone living him with his music plugged in all lucky ali I say today right through the Pooja too cause that’s how bad you’ve missed him his presence to just live that feeeel of his presence!!!!!!

A day like this one…

 How just like this now this beauuutifully co ordinated like how ???!!!!

Morning today was one of the most ironic ones!!!!

It was a weird dream the state of mind it left you in this morning said it all bout the feels of this very strange dream!!!!

His dad and sister on one side and the other had him and daadi on one….like the dad side bit in a weird way was with fear not sure what it was but like it was pulling you away holding you away from him in that force of wind way like some thing holding you pushing you away from him and as you struggle to see through the dusty mist in the air there was him by your side like always making you speak with daadi or just keeps mentioning daadi or smthing it was and the way he repeatedly mentions just this one thing am with you by your side am with you right here and you turn your head around to see him cause until then you could only hear him speak but the way he asks you to see him right there beside you makes you wanna turn and look at him to feel that assurance and you wake up….

It was weird strange never before kind but the way he was there in that moment too!!!!!

Through the day at work and then had to head out for sweets and stuff for the staff yaha waha work but that mind still feeling strange trying to make sense of what the dream was that left you that lost!

Reaching the sweet store just bout to get off and there was this group of eunuchs actually men dressed as women and just you 4-5 of em circle around and you couldn’t move it was the scariest sight to feel and be surrounded with try calling the driver and wasn’t looking to your side and was on fone as you try to move they keep getting closer with open chest kinda saree draped soon the store security comes out and only after the new driver waste steps out of the car finally move them aside and you get into the store finally that was the worst few mins ever still that shaky finally get the stuff done shivering shaky still scared plug in his music and new lucky ali track that you find again and that feeel that switch suddenly the way the waaaaaay everything else disappears from your mind and all you could feel and that strange feel in that moment to just see him still knowing there was a block but this happens many a times in that flow you check and realise the block later today too in that flow of him get on WhatsApp and there he was ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuutifully handsome in that amarnathine coloured jacket of his against the sunset , him the sunshine of your life I say ayyaaaaaaa the way the heart just feels that dive that big beautiful slow dive ekdum seeeee the second you see him…

TRANSFORMED!!!!!! In an instant!!!!!!

Heart pooora ka poora!!!!

 Ayaaaaa charlie this fellow I say pooora ka poooora heart of my life I say!!!!!!

And it’s a happpppoy Diwali already!!!!!!!

This smile tadaaaaaang bolke when you just can’t stop smiling with people around!!!!

Howleeee You beauuuuuutiful lil big adooooirable thing I say!!!!!

Versions of Him…

 It’s this beautifully strange how back then living these beautiful different versions in his presence was there but even after him in his absence too there are these moments visuals dreams that let you live the same even now…..

Like from the dream this morning there was that beautiful wild passionate love version to this one that made him your best friend ever had!!!!!

Sharing things bout you and then reconnecting with those very things and realising how it’s always been there how like everything else bout you he always knew this too…

U only realise this decade later!

At home looking for some short smthing to watch and find this title interesting bio scope wala and that sudden flash of memory from childhood and you ask your mom if she knew bout some kabuliwala story that you loved as a kid and she mentions the same saying how much you loved that story and kept going back to the story and re reading it over n over again…

Back then with him him mentioning bout getting a few books for his sister from Bombay and asks you the same you tell him you never read any and he mentions bout Rabindra Nath Tagore and adding that you must try one of his stories the kind you are you’ll definitely like it….

Years later today realise this story was another version of the same story of kabuliwala written by the same Rabindra Nath Tagore!!!!!

He knew this already bout you, you liking stories like these by that same exact author to even when in Bombay he mentions bout working on gora and talks again bout the same you must try reading this author work you’ll love it for sure….

Today years later realising that love of yours for the kabuliwala story from your mom the way it all just that beautifully connected!!!!!

It’s always the lilst of things charlie that makes you love someone BIG!!!!!!

He always knew the lilst of things bout you the person the likes the dislikes the understanding of what and how you exactly feel in a specific moment how you might react to certain something or what is it that you mean when you just look at him even from a distance or what his sudden presence might make you feel like he knew you like nobody ever has or ever will!!!!!

Just your lilst of details, knew you the way you yourself never did…

Today with all these rushes in different situations moments this one feel no wonder the way this love only grows with time…..

The day…

 Nights like these 2-3 shooting star is what it looked like!!!!!

Moments like these exactly like these is why you also love writing at this hour and also refrain from doing the same!!!!!

Cause this feeeeeel after writing some specific memory down and then live a moment of magic like this one always takes you back to those nights even when on the call it was like you could live every breath of his over the fone while he talks while he chuckles or while he is just bout to sleep and after falls asleep this beauty of nites like these and a state of mind like this one!!!!!

Sooooo yahhh from that moment on that need to all the more light wvery corner up just so you could see what it felt like inside you in that very moment of hearing that sound!!!!

Soon after it’s done the manager used this word you love now merisipotundi just the sound of it and she says it means it’s looking all sparkly and it becomes your new fav word merisipotundi just like him I say!!!!!!!

To the day today from finding that heart in avocado to using these awesome filters on Instagram that pretty much depicted the feels of the morning and his dream specifically with his sound of music along…..

To heading out for the Diwali Pooja shopping and the first thing as always Aamla the slvisuao of that one thing and all him like all the aamlas in the tray become him his face the day out with him and of all the things it started with amla shopping those walks in his gallis those moments with him the stares of his to just living that presence of his it’s like things n visuals bring him along!!!!

And HOW!!!!!

Lights…!

 To lighting the studio with every corner including the plants and that one feel soon as you see the Chico plant lit up that one inside conversation with him in that very moment saying see I finally got my mini Christmas tree before Christmas cause him again that conversation when you share wit him that one wish of yours of having a Christmas tree someday as you always wanted it as a kid a proper tree lit with lights and days later at his place or maybe it was weeks later at his place walking out in the lawn area and he shows you the Christmas tree in one corner and tells you this one you can light up no now you have a Christmas tree and just continue with some other topic that moment there that one big rush that one big sudden love and missing all at once cause when in his house oresmises you couldn’t openly hold him away and so you just be living that beauuuty of his beauuuty of that moment with Him still surprised by the way how even weeks after he did remember that random lil conversation you had with him when he was sharing his embarrassing childhood stories and you yours with wishes fav food and drink stuff as a kid

Weeks after he that adoooooorabky mentions that lilst of wish of yours and even before that wish being fulfilled that moment does it for you!!!!

A wish already done… that one presence of his his words anything bout him did become that precious that complete heart of your life right there walking breathing and just being his beautiful self that he is everything I say!!!!!!

That evening lights still up watching that Chico of yours that one evening with him rushing through you and that very moment that sound of your most fav songs saaathiya ye tune kya Kiya playing and that rush to see where who how did that happen check the off and your mom on the fone watching some video wit the track still playing that one Khushi charloe of just finding him in that very moment there when yo missed him that bad was beyond magic!!!!!!

Waaaay beyond magic too!!!!!

U still donno how anything in your life did become Him anything to almost everything not intentionally but just that beautifully bit by bit moment after moment this beautifully all Him!!!!

The heart of your life…

 When you wake up from such strong moments and especially this time of the year feeeeeeling that much of him to that other side of this reality like that one switch always that difficult to get back in….

Like you stay quiet for the start of the day like that mind still in that state of denial that felt that real this can’t be for real the waking up….

Mind still that lost and for breakfast pick the avocado instead for toast your recent loved food thing in the mornings and the shape of the seed inside that perfect beautiful heart shaped one with the veins over it the shape of it exactly like the heart…..

Him the thought of him any moment relived any visual you come across any sound any dream and the waking up after anything to do with him even with the slightest of rush that only one way to define his presence his worth or your priority in life for him - He is the Heart n soul of your life…

The essence of a person what the person is made of what makes the individual complete defines it makes sense of it describes it sumps it up in one word or sentence the Heart of your life - Him…

U maybe the strictest at work with the staff with the manager but the second a moment of his strikes touches you away slightest even the waaaaay it just transforms you away like suddenly ekdum seee from a no word person to the smiles over your face just the way it makes you feel on the inside suddenly there’s all him just him that beauuutifully rushing through you what the manager calls it your smoke moment when you get away from everything and everyone else to just be on your own for a bit and then get back after a while and look transformed cause you are all smiles suddenly!!!!

It’s thw aaaaaaay charlie it feeels andar se ekdum seee like you come back after living that moment of him up the volume of his music and just be it’s like you almost lived his presence for real not just in your mind like for real real kinda real!!!!!

Dreamscape!

 From those dreams when sick big big people around and after him finding him with you in those very dreams and the way after him ever since him those dreams don’t scare you anymore cause there’s always a Him in those dreams with you holding you beside you just with you no matter what and then suddenly all that fear of spotting  those big big people around was gone…

Last night or early this morning rather there was this dream moments through and door behind him you see this big face huge humongously huge face just the face and move back and him instead comes closer there was some familiar of his songs playing in the background that you couldn’t recall after waking up but just the way that face u get scared and move and he comes closer instead moment and soon after you look behind and the face moves tilts away to the side with one hand under the face as of it was watching you and you in shock move him asking him to take a look at the way the face moved and that was what you shouldn’t have move him shake him and you wake up!!!!

Strangely this morning you get up with that one strong feel like you’ve seen that face before cause it looked felt that familiar wasn’t clear all blurry but that vibe like you’ve definitely seen it before and many a times!!!!!

The trees at the back jungle like feel and that need to google opera first and the very first image that pops up is that one face right at the entrance gate of opera which you used to pass under face right in the middle with arms stretched out to both the side face tilted that face you’ve seen a zillion times in your dream it did appear that many times that one feeeeelnsoon as you see that image!!!!!

All along it’s been your most fav place in Hyderabad actually one of the most fav ones one of His places !!!!!!

Face tilting watching you over was that same place you were at opera and then google somewhere with that hope to see more close by galli the hill is all you could see that one feeeeeel charlie SOOOOO many memories there that one almost journey of finding him different Hims in that very place and falling rising in love with each one of Hims!!!!!

That one place and this morning that feeeeel you were filled with for you it was Diwali already the way this one festival makes you feel always!!!!!!!

That one Him I say!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeee You were missed!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lil findings!

 Firstly it was the state of mind you already were in since that realisation of how long it’s been since you last held him!!!!

Just that ting bolke realisation and that feeeel it overloads you with!!!!! Just that feeeel charlie to be held away by him!!!!

Soooo yaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Back to the day last nite still half asleep and this series you’ve loved cause it has that before sunrise movie sequel vibes conversations and more conversations!!!!!

The way the couple goes through this journey of self exploration both as individuals and as a couple conversing through different situations fighting resolving doing just as needed to be together fight talk resolve just to be together cause all through that journey they are well aware of the love for the other and to keep that up through different situations comes back to that one and only realisation the love they share and feel for the other…..

It’s beautiful minimalistic and that real!!!!

Last episode almost struggling to keep the eyes open till that one scene where the female lead insists on living up that feel of being engaged to him and talking to him bout it bout their journey and head out for a chai early morning hours and in the car the guy mentions bout how no matter what happens they ll figure it out and be together through that always…

That echo of words that feel of the night conversation that feel of when the guy mentions how he can’t wait to get home and write the night away just so he remembers how and what they did soon after they were engaged so years later they have memories to sit and read about!!!!

There are some visuals sounds that that strongly feel like a line a scene a moment of your own story…

Back then him taking your pics saving up things bout you and you instead saving up chocolate wrappers his bubble maker thing that you still carry in your bag bits n pieces of things from different moments with him and the way you saving up those things he mentions the exact same thing years from now we will sit together and go through this khazana of yours and relive these moments together!!!!

To that promise of no matter what we will figure it out together and be together like this always…

Some words and a zillion moments through this series was like living your own story living your own conversations with him at hours like those reliving your own story while watching it!!!!

Simple walks with him chai and coffee sessions that need of his talk bout his love for you special moments spent together sharing the same again over the call that very night like that was his most loved thing the waaaay he would just talk bout lilst of moment wit you from that day and mention the same over the call how he felt in that very moment the same through the story how they have these conversations bout moments spent together and far away too when the male lead too visits Bangalore!!!!!

The journey the series was like bits of your own story that you relived last nite!!!!!

Visual stories…

 Daaaaays like these mornings like these ayyaaaaaaa to an evening like this one !!!!!!!!

This magic of this time of the year this year specially ahhhhh just the feeeeels it’s filling you up with!!!!!!

Mind this beauuuutifully high on all him like you haven’t been drinking even for almost 2 weeks or one it’s been not a sip even and this highhhhh you’ve been on!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeee how only you’ve been kissed I say!!!!!!!

When the missed goes typo and becomes kissed!!!!!! The second you read it after this heart I say!!!!!! And let it be anyway atleast reading it feels good!!!!

Firstly the bunch of Him feeeeels that you’ve been rolling on!!!!!

Moments to be saved awaaay!!!!!