deacadeee!

frm alll tht sound to thiss quetiet of the nite!!!!!!!

shuttin awyyy frm everyone n weveryting else.....

this beutifully quetieeet!!!!!!!!!!

his msucis playing !!!!!!!!

this slowwwwww stteeeete of mind wit him wlking thru you not jste ur mind....

tinking of it now.....

when he wlked into ur lifeee then back thenn lil did you this is wer u would land naiiii!!!!!!!!

frm tht wlk over those block tilesss to havin spent yers lookin for him in tose boxes.......

actuaaaaaalllly tining of it nowwww blocks wer alwysss his favvv nai!!!!!!!

be it then wlkin overrr them or usin them over n wit u and howwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

lif love strange i syaaa but whats the strbgest and has a wyaaaa of its own mind of its own is the weird lil heaaaaaart!!!!!!!!!

no mattter what never seeems to lern i say!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no mattttttttter what !!!!!!!!!!!

liil did you knwwwwwww frm thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttt much looooooooveeeeeeeeeeeee of his to this todyaa down the line!!!!!!

momenents lik theees wen the mind feeeels lik this n thissss much this neeed to stop wwiting cos u can feeeeel ur mind goinn wer exccctly u dont wnt to the turns wer it hurts u dont wnt to.....

n yettttttt this neeed to witeeee bas.....

lik u know gooooo with feeeeel of the mind.........

wtching him wallkkkkk one step aftr the other wtchin him get a lil more coooser to u wit eevery step.... and then now woooooooooosh !!!!!!!! gone !!!!!!!!!!!!!

him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

as a kid smelll of petolll u loooovd then wit growwing up it ws paracute oil fragganec and thn cmae him!!!!!!!!

aftr that its beeeeeen jsute him!!!!!!!

tht niteee oilin his hair on teeerace ur fav spot n onc done mesaging u jste smelll his hair.....

again smtimg u looooooooovd to jsteee smellll him awyyy!!!!!

him knwwing u n tis habite of urs lik alwysss lets u doo so....

and tht adoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaably asks u ab kyaaa lik why were u sniffinge him awy now !!!!!!

n u telll him to save that smeel frm now on.... lik in tht moemenet u were mking tht smelll of ur fceve oilll to his smellll in tht veree momenet.....

n the wyaaaaaaaaaa he leens a lil moreee over u agaaain leeeting u liv ur mdeness n him livien his momente with u......

tht niteeee holdieng him awyyyyy smeeelllin him awyyy n savinge tht paracuteee smellll memoee as him.....

its tissssssss smellllll chalieeeeeeeee.............

n the wyaaaaaaa the lsighteeeeeeest of it n the wyaaaaaa it bingssssss him alonnnnnn and howwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!

todyaaa smelllin luckyys smellll in ur hndss n that rush of meeoires f being made n taugte how to pet luckyee the wite  wyaaa to evetiee u opene the botttle of paracute lik todya this moeung to oil ur hiar that smellllll of his n him holding ur fcae awaaaaay in his hnads and then chuckkklin awyaaa at ur nosee shining wit oil cos u did diveeeeeee awyyyy ur nose in his hed jjst so u cud smlllll him aywww the most!!!!!!!

lik jsteee him poooora naaaaak diveeeee it usd to b in him!!!!

thr ar things changing and thn thr ar tings lik these tht u cant changeeee!!!!!!!!!!

the wyaaaaaaaa u feeeeeeeel him out of no whwhher!!!!!!!

haishaaaaaaaaaaaaaa an howwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

again when u prmise urslf u wnt be writineg him anymemroe n this happenens b it th drem or the oil momenet liing him frm tht momenets taking ur face in his hads n chuckling awy seeeing ur nose mdness or jste thosee momentse with him n his lukcye!!!!!!

to lateee nww wtching a bit of dddlj as wlwys till wer u can handle wtching it witoue sheein a tear....

that ened to the decade it ws.....

ONE DECADEEEEEEEEEE it ws!!!!!!

The smell!!!!

all i takes smtomes mostly is sound that flash of somone lik aaj kal anybodyeee passin by it bcoms him lik all kinda pople and its him in ech one of then!!!!!!

no matter wher you loook you seee him all you see i shim !!!!!

and frm the sizillion other things today it ws the smellll not his but his luckys !!!!!!!!

buyin the new yer pastry ting and rite outside he window you seee this hugest cutesssssssssst beetwoven benrad doggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lik it looooked the biiiiiiigest in tht tiny car....

run outttt litraaly to get a close look and the sec u gooo the ldye very kineldey uts the windown down and talks to you n stufff n you jste stad there in awwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeee offfffffffffff the cutttttteeeeeeeeeee i syaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

suchaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa bigggg fcceee loookin strighte into uuu with face beeein pulllled out even moeere jst soo yu go closer n touch !!!!!

the sec u do th e waaaay the big guyyyy tuns as much as it cod jst sooo you pet a lil more !!!!!

few mins stsnidng there n living himmm when he stopps the car in middleee of nowher wehn u screm out beetwoven doggieee!!!!!!

n lik eveyting else tells u its st benrad or wht the breed is.....

todyaaaaaaa petttin it awyyyyyy ws tht pureeee heiiiight o kushiii i telll u chalieee!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the wyaaaaaaaa luckyyy ke styleeee mei uneeeee sirrr pooooraaa baahar almst tunr to turn jst so u pet more.....

onceee don on ur wyaaa bck tht smellll of luckyyy cos u did pet a dogg after yers prolieee firt time aftr lucky.....

thts mellll same smelll in ur hands.....

smellll hs tht strong sense of memoress nooo.....

lik n instnst and u r back in th most beuuuuuuuuuuutiful timeee of ur life......

this looooooooooooooovvvvvvv for scnetee smell!!!!!!!!

Happpyyy new year!!!!!!!

and a happpppppppyyyaaaaaayyyyyy new year charlie!!!!!!!!!!!

that one end to the decade that was.............!

you survided through this for 10 years !!!!!!!!

even tinking of it nowwwww writeing it outttt that was one longggg time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haishaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa one decaaaadddd i say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

som daysssssss you just sit n relize it ws one logtimee!!!!!!!

this dyaaa todyaaa when you deicde you wonteee be writieng at allll lik from nowww stpp writeing about him from herr on nd a day lik this happeens so xception of the dya cus incepton of the day happeneed!!!!!!!

hahahahhaaha tht rylmed nowww!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeeeeeeee kyaaaaaaaaaaa kiyaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here comes the sun...!

days after and that same similar dream of his again.....

where you almost wake up to him every other day and then there is that one moment that one familiar way of his waking you up and that shakes you up the same way that bad !!!!!!!

trying to push you with his head trying to you know wake you up cause he is upset over smthing and wants you to be up and be there for him..... like finding that comfort spot the way he keeps moving calling your name out karely karely that one restless tone of his voice and the way he tries to hold your hand closer to him under his arm holding you closer keeping the grip stronger just so you dont move.....

and that one feeeeeeeeeeeel after the movie specially wakes you up and the first senseless thing that leads to like always is unblocking him....

i swear charlie it must be the zillionth time that you did that and whoo bhi not wanting to but the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay that one feeeeeeeeel that one sharing that moment with him always make you feel after....

there is no way but to just live that feeling of having been there for him despite of knowing you are least wanted !!!!!!!!

smthings you just cant help !!!!!!!!!!!!!

cant fight that feeling could never learn to !!

so the movie was imagine that !!!!!

prolly the cutest dad daughter movies that youve actually rarely seen....

initially you wanted to pause it away but as the movie goes you realize it had these bits of beatles tracks all through and that sort of made you hold onto the movie and actually see it through the end....

this one moment when the daughter holds onto the daddys arm while sleeping not letting him go and that saaaaaaaaame moment of him at his place prolly second or third meet when he demands to see you the first thing in the morning one of those things that he does for the first time after bup.....

where the night before he was chatting with you till morning hours to having slept an hour or less and demands to see you the first thing in the morning do as said and after a few moments he actually fall asleep holding you away.....

that one sec you look around for water or smthing and you jus bout turn for the bottle and teh waaaaaaaaaaaay he just holds onto your arm the same way tucks it away under his arm and turns to the side pulling you away closer holding you and goes back to sleep.... making that one usual signature sleep sound of his murmuring smthing away....

those few mins of living him do that with you the waaaaaaaaaaay it takes you back to those zillion fone calls wheer you were thaaat used to hearing him do that jus before falling asleep.... there was you living that sleep sound of his after years for real living it visually for the first time....

holding your arm tucking it away under his and pulling you closer just so you dont move and stay that way with him.... making those beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully adooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable sleep sounds.....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa just reliving it now howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee YOUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu adooooooooooorable lil big beautiful thing i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

To just be there, fully there...

you can obvsly sense when a person is fully there....

or maybe its just you !!

like you know if the person is halfthere with you or just is there for you with you like in sync with you......

that meet in bombay is when you felt lived loved him to be with just you.....

like he was making you feel it like you know showing you making you feel like he was there with you for you and most of all loved you.....

you rise in love with the one you love a zillion times in life over n over again.....

like there are moments that make you feel like you felt it for the first time....

and that meet in bombay was the first time you felt it just like the first time.... to be in love with him...

like you know realize aishaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you are in love with him !!!!!!!!

wali feeeeeling it was !!!!!!!!!

cause before then or after he never was like that with you.....

after bup it was the first time that you felt his love just for you liek he was making you want to be there with him making you stay with him making you realize he still loved you and the same way like he did before....

it was all that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful like you were back in time again to the most loved time of your life !!!!!!!!!

the only thing was that that day you felt his love for you much more than what you felt back then too....

like he was all with just you !!!!!!

that same feeeeeeling you lived after years in that moment of few mins at conc/....

its been the most difficult few months.....

from trying to get a hold on yourself to trying to live a normal day out.... to you know have a normal face out jsut so nobody esle knows whats really going inside of you !!!!!!!!!!!

these sessions trying to talk it all out did strangely helped in a way.....

working on yourself more now.... working out after ages eating better sleeping better its taking time but slowly getting there....

moments like these are still strangely that magical cause you live him the same way in dreams too but having lived him in teh waking state in a public place who bhi was smthing else....

even thinking of it now writing it out, THAT beautiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that one most beautiful face in the world that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful one for you to live that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of closeness after years was SMTHING ELSE !!!!!!!!!!!

It all is that ironically beautiful...!

you were struggling unsure of what exactly is happening with you !

like there is the real side of the life and then there is that life that takes over the sec you shut your eye.....

to those sudden moments of crying and feeling weird and lost and you just had to say it all out to someone like you know for once speak it all out and there is not a single one person you know who could ever be understanding enough to let you talk without judging or asking you a why !!

and you google out a few people and this one lady is someone you overhear at the salon two people discussing over bout.....

google her out and finally gather that courage to go see her....

she seemed normal like any doctor and after the usual hello what do you do and stuff came the actual reason why you were there....

and you just couldnt look at her and talk bout it cause in your mind you still felt foolish mad and you just couldnt sort of admit that before someone for real....

like you know speak your state of mind out is not easy....

it seems beautiful here cause charlie you see never judges or asks you any questions !!!!!!

in the real world its not that simple.....

there will be whys whats and hows !!!!!!

and those you have no absolute answer for !!!!!!

that weird awkward silence that she lets you take.... and after much look around and this one bean bag in a corner again that first sighting of it and there was him in that too....

cause it was at his place that he actually drops you over it and the sec you feel that sinking wali beautiful feel over the bean that you tell him it was your first time sitting over it and you dint know it felt soooooo gooood !!!!!!!!

and the way he actually lifts you over again and drops you back and then watches you feel all that excited over it.....

like he would sort of let you live that moment of khushi and then fold his hands away and stand there watching you live your moment.....

as you try to sink in more slowly to live that max comfort wali feeeel !!!!!!!

that day too seeing the bean bag there there was him in that moment too....

head over there plug in his music shut your eyes away and the first thing you tell her is this is my happy state my happy world !!

plug one out and tell her the seeing him and the living him and the bup the dad thing the after him the living him in his absence and then finding this peace here in charlie.....

where she keeps asking if you were okay saying it all out in one go or she could meet you again and all and you tell her that you were not that sure if you would come again!!

it was that weird realization charlie that you were actually seeking help or it was just your way of letting it all out to someone at least.....

like your mom still dosnt know bout you seeking for help or maybe as far as you are concerned it ws just that need to tell someone bout all that was going inside of you.....

and in a way hoping to get that response as its all normal....

and you are not suffering through depression and all that that comes with it....

she did say its all normal and it happens and stuff but she dint really get the logic of how you could still feel his presence even after the waking up....

like she kept askin you how could you feel his prsence but whoo huaa he naiii bolneee charlie that you can smell him smell his presence that clsoe to you the sec youw ake up.....

ajeeb it feltt to say it out !!!!!

it just felt a lil better.....

to that point when she assk you how did you feel when he first said he had moved on and wanted you to do the same and not message him and all...

that need to shut your eyes and the first thing that came to your mind all i wanted was to just see him in that moment there.....

knwoing what if its the last time you would !!

and yet pata nai huaaa whooo bolnaaa he nai huaaa !!!

how do you see him that way knowing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how do you still feel all that living him knowing !!!!!!!!!!!!!

how do you say a bye log out after the chat KNOWING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

people are weird charlie !!!!!!

they say say the things you only are comfortable to talk or share bout and then she keeps asking why dint you what happened after that and hows that possible and stuff like that............

and that one inside talk just lemme talk it all out dont ask any questions pls....

all that while facing your back to her one ear plug in sitting over bean bag letting that one corner of your mind out.....

there were these forwards that this group of friends were sharing related to depression n stuff.... and that sort of scared you in a way wondering what if its that and like that sort of made you wanna understand whats going inside of you.....

only after a few meets does she tell you this had nothing to do with depression just that slight smthing that needs to be worked on....

like to get over the occasional missing that leads to sadness and lonely feeling and all and suggests you start over..... and usual shit that you much expected would lead to....

like you can just end smthing that you are still living and find another someone and get on with it like you never really felt lived loved anythign in the first place.....

like if it meant that much to you it neevr would have been this easy for you to just get on with someone or smthing else just cause that seems more logically right now !!

its all weird.....

just not the types that you understand or could ever understand....

and yet you do the same mistakes of fighting it back....

like you just sort of wanted to get over it or just that feeling of being upset mad weird or what after your birthday that you end up talking those bits with manas and smtimes saying a hey and all on your own like even as he talks back and all you look down or around yaha waha like it was just that namesake thing like you were sort of dont even know man what it was but like you were just doing that not even liking it a bit.....

to that moment when you actually live that moment of someone sitting across the table as you live his presence there in coffee places it just does smthing to you like you actually feel him in coffee places the most too....

having shared some of the most beautiful moments there too !!

to the waaaaaaaaaaaaay it leads to living him for real again writing out what and hwo you exactly felt in that moment seems this crazy !!

but thats how and what you felt in that moment there.....

like he was there for real you could smell him his presence that close to you like a lil sec close and you feel his hair on the hand on yours like that close to you.....

and you actually nod back have that converstaion with him there with people still standing behind you lined up for you to get the bill done the ocunter guy still asking for the card and you standing there living him right there !!!!!!!!!

that close to your studio now that becomes your most fav place......

cause you lived him there.....

the only two times that you felt his love felt his presence that strongly with you for you was in bombay when you felt his love for you for the first time ever after bup and the second time was here at concu that evening.....

this one christmas tree right behind the counter had oranges tangerines the authentic way of doing up teh christmas tree instead of the artificial and fancy baubles.....

tangerine...

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...

the waaaaaaaaaaaay all those feels the vibe of that place the him lived there and then to find this christmas tree was your lil moment of magic in the middle of nowhere...

smthings are that simple and yet that THAT beautiful !!!!!!!!!!!

this too was one of your most missed moments with him....

like apart from the godzillion things that you miss him that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadly for this too was smthing you really missed....

just sharing that random moment surrounded with people around and having a moment of your own in the middle of it.... to just have him stand right next to you that close to you and have that lil conversation with you steal that lil stare with you share that one smile one nod with you jsut a moment of your own !!!!!!!!!!

just your own...!

It all just connects, just like that !!

after that worst feeling of your birthday and that feeeeeeel of being hit by the worst realization ever !!!!!!1

taking slow at work and actually saying a hi back to the guy in the apartment it was like your way of fighting over smthing getting over smthing you dint like that a bit cause it totally looked way out of the way and yet like you were doing it intentionally still donnooo why !!!!!

just a day before christmas and you were looking for a good christmas cake for your mom and this place your friend suggests and head over for the first time it was concu....

loved the vibe of the place find that corner for a coffee and just be.....

looking out his music playing and with that much crowd around there was still that calm.... some places could do that to you like you know give your own space of mind despite of being over filled with people.....

this place had that vibe....

and before you know manas comes over as he was sitting on the table behind you and jsut bout to sit over to the one next to you and the sec you see the guy sitting over that space that smthing in you like it just shakes you up need to shut the eye that very sec and you see him spooning out the froth from his cup and trying to feed you with tht spoon like that very sec that one visual of his smiiiiiiiiling that smile looking you in the eye with spoon in his hand and you just get off saying you had to leave.....

with the coffee still there like you just had to leave cause you felt him that strongly and also realized his massive absence in that very sec.....

like from him being that THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT close to you to him being nowhere around.....

it was a sudden fall !!!!!!

a bad one !!!!!!!!!

head over to the counter and that same beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful feeeeeeeeling rushing inside of you after YEARS when you feel his presence for real.....

that same rush and calm breathing through you and you look to your side and there he was leaning over the counter a lil white shirt khaki chaddis hands folded over the counter smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiling that smile at you and asks you kyaa karri bey and you just nod away to that and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he nods back that one nod of his like in sync with your nod and then asks you kyaa khaati raising his eyebrows away that same very same exact same way that he used to back then ask you kyaa khaaati.....

and you nod again try to take your hand closer to his reaching out to touch him and you hear mam mam is that all look over to the other side of the counter and theer weer people waiting for you to give the card look to your side again and there was no him......

after the bup there have been only twice the times that youve felt him that strongly be there with you for you in the waking state.....

the first time after bup was in the bombay meet at his versova place and the second time was at this place that day that moment when you see him actually see him for real standing there in all his beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of the daaaaaaaaaaaadi with that one melting you awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay smile and nod of his like actually for real see him standing there THAT close to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you still donnnnoooooooooooo what how or why it was !!!!!!!!!!!!

like even writing it now puts a smile on your face.....

its madness i know but the therapist says its all fine maybe its the connection that you share with him that makes you feel his presence.... like it actually is normal and actually happens for real when two people have shared a stronger bond and connection !!

smthings you can never explain define or reason out i guess !!!!!!!!!!!

it just is the way it is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Foolly madly badly in loove...!

everytime you come back after having hit the worst low time to write the first word here these first few mins reading your own state of mind and that one laugh at your own self that first pops out !!!!!

realizing how foooooollly madly baaaaaaadly you in loooove with Him i say !!!!!!

like this FOOOOOLLLLYYYYYYYYY !!!!!!!!!!!

like you live for moments like these that you lived days back that literally took you days to sort of let in sink in cause thats howwwwwwwwwwwwww you felt him in the middle of nowhere and what timing i swear !!!!!!!1

like ALWAYS whatttaaaa timing !!!!!!!!!!!!!

beautiful madness...! 

to be loved !!

he will always be the one the only one you ever loved..... but i guess its hightime now you too move on in life and love.....

to let allow yourself to be loved !!

staying up last nite that worst lonely feeling it was much worser than you know not being cared bout not loved !!!!!!!!

like that one thought lead to a stream of thoughts of all those things those beautiful things that come with love and being loved.....

having someone care bout you love you without any doubt fear uncertainty or embarrassment....

like you know love you for who you are and exactly the way you are.... have someone wnat to hear you miss you see you like your presence matters like your absence matters all the more like you know wanting to see you hear from you like have you as a part of their everyday like you know that feeling of being loved being missed being thoguht of cared bout like you matter like you exist like you are needed wanted in life..... that one text out of nowhere that one call to just check on you that one sudden meet just cause they had to see you that one are you okay kinda thing when you are having a bad day or that miss you message when you expect the least.....

like you know have someone love you !!!!!!!!!!!

this state of mind you dint want to write a word on and then read your mind out now as you write....

you dont like this you in this state of mind.....

but today charlie like last nite was smthing youve never felt before.....

like you want to be loved !!!!!!!

of all the people your mom did forget bout your birthday this year !!!!!

donnoooo why every year knowing him knowing he wont and yet this one thing that stays without you consciously waiting or hoping this is complete madness i knowwwwwwww and yet can never help it !!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings are just not upto you i guess !!!!!!!!!

and this def is one of those things !!!!!!!!!

him having been always that clear bout you in his life and YET !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but this time this change you are making for your self, he moved on and maybe its time you do too......

how truly blessed are the people that actually get to be loved by the same one they ever loved nai !!!!!!!!

love is def all you need in life !!!!!!!

you dont have it nothing really starts to make sense....

like you feel that vibe of you know walking to nowhere on the street all alone by yourself not sure where how or what and you are just walking on your own.....

lost not knowing where or when to take that turn and give yourself that sense of direction of where you are exactly heading towards !! 

Setting free...

some experiences you feel live are beyond logics or reasoning...

been years now and somehow with every year birthday you lose a lil more hope than the previous but that hint of hope still remained..... just that the say strength of hope level of hope kept getting lower with every year....

this year too why abhi not sure but this year too it somehow was there !!

despite of knowing that strongly it was pointless this year too and yet it still was there in some deep corner....

where just a day or two before your bithrday you were reminded by one of your friends bout it being your birthday soon like until then you did forget your own...

last nite was the loneliest youve ever felt after the bup....

like the first time you felt this worst lonely was right after the realization of the bup....

and it happened again after years last nite.....

where your mom this year for the first time did forget it was your bitrhday and neither did you care reminding her bout it and just let her be.... her usual bed time and you up on your own......

you have chosen this way of life knowing just knowing he never was really there and yet the way you felt for him has been there unchanged with no matter what the circumstances were.....

but all of that suddenly changed.....

last nite up on your own watching some movie with breezer....

like the bottle just stayed there so did the movie just playing and you were lost !!

it was the worst feeling for the first time in years last nite.....

like something in you realized way too many things bout life and love more importantly....

loving someone is one thing and allowing yourself to be loved now you realize is smthing else !!

felt too many things that you realized you are missing out on !!!!!!!!

the worst feeling in years !!!!!!!!!!

not sure if it was birthday cause it never really mattered  or was it cause it was on a sunday of all the days donnnooo what it was but it was definitely the worst feeling ever....

Comfort 2!!!!!!!!

exaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaactly why you refrain from writing him aaj kal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this you that  this writing him turns you into !!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

this you that you are feeeling right now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that one moment the waaaaaaaaaaay he says it the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he was comforting you holding you away and those stares thoseeeeeeee smiiles he was sharing away with you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

every single time be it then or this moment right now as you relive those moments with him - this one feeling BLESSED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even having lived those moments having lived that love of his then - BLESSED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

couldnt say a word then and just be the way he was holding you.... few secs later he asks you to sit the other way with your legs towards him.... you just look up and the way he again without you saying a word actually verbally puts out everything that you felt in that moment.... why was he making you move when you just got that comfortable.... and yet do as said and put your legs over his and the waaay he holds your leg away with that strong grip and just moves haaath over your leg and the waaaaaay it actually was comforting you smthing you never though or felt before.... and you living him siting a lil away soon lose that sense of pain cause all you could feel live was him in that moment.....

the way that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of just living his haaath over your legs trying to make it better for you was making you feel.....

pata hai charlie the one thing that could smtimes matter more than being loved is that feeling of being cared bout...... to just be cared bout by the one you love !!

could smtimes mean more than being loved too !!

like for that moment when you really need it the most...

there was him showing you a way of his love when you needed it the most...... just by the way you move he could sense you were in pain like you werent even making any sound or holding your stomach away or any of it .... just by the way you moved, he just knew !!!!!!!

its always been that way you just look at him and he knows what and how you felt in that moment..... you just move and he would sense if there was smthing wrong with you like every lil of you he would jsut know it !!!!!!!

without you ever having to tell him.....

teh way it always used to make you feel like he has always known you like nobody ever could.....

today those few secs of pain and you jsut living him sitting there holding your leg and you wake up and it was a jam and to the side there was this chai thela the one you were searching for a long long time.....

the same thela still there that he takes you to after the kbr park for the first chummi that he planned on that never happened there.....

you wanted to get out but the crowd dint seem right and that feeeeeeeeeeling when you find the place there.....

right after that memory moment to this one again in your own way like it all connected that beautifully.....

be it waking up from that dream this morning to finding him from that moment back then today when you were in pain to waking up from that moment and finding that place of his.....

smthinsg again never really make any sense !!!!!!!!

but what it fills  you up with is beyond words and logics...

filling up his absence away in the most ironically beautiful and inexplicable of ways...

Comfort remains...

when the need arises to just write out the most personal one too !!

is when the hindi drops in so the pehla din of that time and that bad same stomach pain kinda usual stuff.....

and yet you had to get a few imp work done and on your way like you just couldnt sit straight struggle to ease the pain and you half sit up with your legs straight and for those few secs nap it was or what not sure now.....

his music playing and like you see him driving holding your legs over his and just trying to comfort you holding your legs away..... this one time when he calls up early that morning and you were actually going to tell him that youll see him the next day cause it was your pehla din and instead he asks you to come down fataak se and just by the way he sounds you rush out to see him....

the sec you get in the car the first thing he says was he missed you a lot the sec he woke up from sleep and just had to see you......

there were those usual i miss you things you exchanged with him smtimes you telling him and mostly him telling you..... and then there were these kind like just by his face you know how bad he must have missed you.....

out somewhere and usual sleeping over his lap and you keep turning moving trying to you know be at ease with the pain.... and this one time the waaaaaaaaaaaay he just holds you by your kamar and holds you strong that way like holding poora kamar way in a way like was comforting you knowing why and where exactly you were at pain with.....

and you just look up at him with that wonder shock and the waaaaaaaaaaaay just the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he smiles looking at you raising his eyebrow up karely i have a sister maloom na..... bolna nai hotaa aaj nai milti bolkee.....

and that one ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that THAT one nod of his !!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this sec thsi moment right here abiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii keeeeeeeeeeee abiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii how only You were missed i sweaaaaaaaaaaaaar !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when the likes go!

there was that thing to just have smthing of him that one connection to just you know have smthing anything of him, that was what his likes on youtube meant to you....

His music is Him..... in the most beauuuuuuutiful of ways !!

this thing has always been there like you feel him with his music.....

like can actually feel him with his music...

even in his absence...

and then when you see that change of youtube with likes being taken off that one sinking feel i say lo ab ye bhi gaya !!!!!!!

this morning too after waking up with another zooooooooomed up version of him in dream that state of mind it left you with......

like all you could see every time you blinked was his pouty chummi llike you blink and see his pout the more you blinked the more zooomed up version.....

and you just play his music and shut the room while getting ready like you needed that calm empty space to just live him for those few mins.... like you know just being on your own with no other sound but to just live him feel him his presence as his music plays..... wear smthing of his and that need to use that same fragrance that you only used to wear when to meet him those few meets at his other place......

like you use it only when you are hit with the strongest missing !!!!!!!!!

cause the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it makes you feel just that fragrance on you is like feeling him feeling his hug his touch his presence his stare him standing there waiting for you to get in the house and then again stands at a distance to just live your presence for a bit and watch you get restless waiting for him to close cause you like always gettoo shy in those initial moments of his presnece.... and him knowing that very welll VERY well makes the most of it just by standing there a lil away....... to that first holding of your hand and then just feeling your palm looking at your hands and you just lost in him tracing everywhere his eyes go making the most of all of him to every lil of him......

like those few mins secs you just dont wanna blink and miss any of him.....

not even for a sec or half a sec cause thats how bad you missed living him for those days secs hours before seeing him then.....

this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing now is exactly what and why you stay away from writing aaj kal cause you know the reality now and then to live him this way feel him this way and then writing out and reading your own state of mind out as you write this weird feeeeeeeeling it fills you up with !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Winters = Him...

firstly to start with the weather....

these few months this season.....

where it was a time when rains were your most loved like that time of the year your most loved time as a kid....

ever since him this thing bout the winters...

theres no season that you love more now the way you loooooooveeeee the winters...

its like winters the chill in the air the smell in the air everything bout this time of the year brings him along all the more...

its like you breathe Him in the air, this time of the year...

like you can almost smell him no matter where you are even in the waking state.....

like it all plays through you right from the very start that very first of seeing him living him and discovering that pure beauty of just living his presence to feeeeeeeeeeeeel that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling running inside of you to just live him..... that very first time to just be in his presence watching him walk towards you the waaaaaaaaaay that adoooooooooooooooorably he was.... and the way still looking down on the tile waiting for you to move just so he could step on that tile you were standing on..... and you just stand there living him waiting for him to look up just soooooooo you could see him look at him to think of it now this sudden ting now while writing alwaaaaaaaaaaays waiting for him nai !!!!!!!!!!!!1

soooooooooooooooo yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this time of the year every year the most special time of your life.....

and the way it all just plays through no matter what you doing where you are anything slightest of him around and the waaaaaaaaaay it just all plays......

last few days been tough too many dreams too many feels.... and the waking up again not finding him getting real with the reality and that state of mind it left you with every single time.....

the way with every dream you feel him closer like the last time you actually woke up with that fuzzy feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful fuzzzy feeeeeel of his daaaadi still over your face that it actually made you skip washing your face even after the shower.....

like you jst wanted that feeel still there over your face for a while longer......

depsite of knowing it was a dream but just the waaaaaaay you could like always still smell him feeeeel his chin daaadi over your face..... like you dint want to lose out on that feeeeeeling !!!!!!!!

this time of the year every single time !!!!!!!!!!!!

and then when you dream dreams like these you jsut donnooooooooo where or what to go with !!!!!!!!!

like it actually now confuses the fck out of you cause its only getting to extreme levels of extreme like you know hold you awaaaaaay to that extremely beautiful state of reality and then the epic fall every single time when you wake up and dont find him around......

to deal that state of then and now, dream state and waking state is the worst feeling ever.....!

smthings you can never get over !!

writing him out just does smthing !!!!!!!!!!!!!

not sure what how or why !!!!!!!!!!!!

but just does smthing waaaay beyond words...

like you dont write thats a struggle you write the aftermath of it is yet another beautiful struggle...

its in the details eveything in the details...

like you write him writing him is like living him breathing his every detail in deeeeeetaaaaaiiillllll !!!!!!!!!!

and when that happens that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling after having lived almost every detail of his..... the waaaaaaaaaaaay it just fills you up with that THAT much missing !!!!!!!!!!!

like missing just missing is prolly one word that dosnt even make sense now.... cause it feeels that lil to what and how exactly you feel bout him now !!!!!!!!

like missing or misseeeing is prolly a word with the least meaning now.......

that kinda missing !!!!!

way beyond missing too now !!!!!!!!!!!

another one of those things.....

to the day today when walking one store to the other doing some timepass jsut so you could just be all by yourself with his music playing and you realize you were outside his jack n jones store.....

step in and look around and this one blue shirt and that very same sec like you could almost see him there that very momnet in that shirt.....

pick it up and come back home.....

put it with the rest of the stuff that you have for the imaginary him now in your life.....

donno why you did what you did ......

but in that moment that whole feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of him with the vibe of jack n jones memory with you and today when you know you could afford it and buy it for him you just wanted to.....

its that feeeeeeeeeling everytime you see jack n jones how anyting for you but the sec you ask him to buy those many shirts that you loooooooooved on him the way he says too expensive that i wouldnt spend on me tu pehenti tho bol.....

that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling that one helpless feeeeeeeeling back then when obvsly you couldnt afford to buy it either for him but that one wish one strong wish you made back then with that thing of someday you will buy it for him.....

lil did you know nai back then !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you will have the shirt but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why you did aaj bhi even thinking of it now still dosnt make sense but that feeeeeeling you can never fight or get over.... its that beautiful urge need kinda thing with those memories of him in the trial room looking adoooooooooooooooorably delicious in each one of them.....

who hotaaaa nai ye pehno who pehno cause it was the first time he was atcually trying smthing on and you get to see him in stuff that you were picking for him.... the colors the different patterns that you wanted to see him in and then to live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him looking that bit more beauuuutiful in each one of them.....

to this blue shirt today that you couldnt help but pick it.......

crazy lil heart i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that beautifully ignorant...

when you just know it...

once you know it like this is it for you...

you can never really undo that feeling !!

no matter what you do what happens like that one strong feeling inside of you - this is it remains unchangeable and irreplaceable...

ever since that moment def must have given wrong signal with that smile while seeing that pic of yours that the guy tries to have a talk the next day and the next day after that actually ends up talking to your mom with a hi and where to find the cable guy kinda lame stuff.....

i mean who aaj kal ke time pe asks somebody else for a cable internet kinda help....

like how lame do you really need to be....

knowing your mom she was more than willing to offer the help she had no idea bout !!

calls you out bout how the guy was into mens line and it would be great as a collab too and stuff.....

always walking away both from the conversation the need to reply and that visual of her being happily talking to the guy like that one visual again......

it used to make you happy seeing him talk to her bout you.....

telling her things bout you that annoyed him and how did that that day how you cant even walk straight without trippin over and stuff bout you.....

just to live that feeeeeeeeeeeeling of him talking bout you like you know knowing you way more than your mom did to the person who thought she knew you the most.......

was a beauuuuty beyond BEYOND words....

knowing your mom and her ways of noticing someone speciallya guy trying to talk to you indirectly and then telling you how nice the guy was i mean two three meets the guy becomes nice ??!!!!!!!!

like that sniff of it all heading somewhere familiar was smthing that was only growing by the day....

to this one day when the guy talks bout giving away a few massive mirros as the place upstairs was smaller and wouldnt fit them and your mom without asking you agrees for it.....

and before you know you get a call from the guy on your fone is when you realize your mom shared the number and was asking when to leave the mirros and some business proposal that the guy had on mind......

guy comes over with the mirrors firstly you pay for it and then have that straight talk with your mom....

tell her what and how you exactly felt in all those moments....

when you couldnt take that visual of her talking to the guy and then calling you over how you need to talk more and stuff like that liek you couldnt see that space being shared to live that visual of living someone else and her calling you over to talk with the guy looking at you and smiling......

who hoteee nai ek casual moments aur ek hotaaa whoo set up wala moment like it screams with set up written all over it.....

the way she still looks at you weird that confused look and you tell her again imagine when you cant see it all that way even with her being that way nice to some guy wanting you to talk too......

it was getting weirder at work like almost everyday where she started to come often now like it all got that weirder....

she maybe right in her way but its that thing charlie its not bout to get it sorted to live it sorted way like you know complete a task sort of thing.... when she keeps saying who is going to look after you as she is not growing any younger kinda usual blackmail stuff her wishes her dreams as a mom and you just sit there with that yeah right i never had any wishes or dreams right !!!!!

like where is the what you want what you wish how and what you see it as what you wanted to see it as live it as.....

but the most beautiful madness being living him in these most ironically hilarious moments too.....

like you see him in some situation and walk back with that smile and lil converstaion running inside of you......

 the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays you still live in the most ironic situation and how it still leaves you with a smile cause you just saw him lived him there in that very moment...

Taara...

this mommy cat at the studio place who is now Taara, again named for the obvs reason.....

its a stray one and youve been noticing it since day 1 and only recently did see the babies of the mommy cat and one of them was hurting for some reason and the way the mommy cat sort of pushed the kitten from the main road sort of place to a much closer spot with some sort of fence on one side and then lay close to  the kitten and the way the kitten moves closer to the mommy cat and almost with her head over the mommy cat kept making those baby sounds having that comforting chat with the mommy cat.....

just watching them over few mins and that feeling as you watch the mommy cat keeps licking the baby showering the much needed love n attention as the baby was hurting for some reason....

this is the time where you named the mommy cat Taara for the obvs reason of his song for you...... tumhe se baba tumhe se bachpan...... 

head out bring over some milk and try to place it closest to the mommy and the way first thing mommy does is try to move her head over the baby waking up the baby and the sec it was up pushing the baby closer to the container with milk lets the baby sip it away first and then has the rest.....

ever since then the sec you reach the studio and getting off the car the way the mommy starts talking to you with her constant meows some you return back and the way she actually comes closer everytime you reply her with a meow mostly in the same tones as her meow sounds....

like you know versions of meows you know when she wants the milk kinda meow or when she is just talking to you kinda meow or when she is calling her baby kinda meow to join her for the milk....

like she is the first thing that you see now soon as you reach the studio like she actually walks with you from the gate to the door and then stays there knowing you will be out any min with her food.....

and this one day you actually adding the milk in her box and you realize there was someone else sitting beside you on the stairs as you turn around....

some guy clicking your pic and then tells you immediately not to get offended but  the moment of noticing a cat actually talking to the person feeding her amused the guy as they dont tend to connect or be affectionate as the dogs when it comes to matters of feeding them....

and you just ask the guy for the pic cutting the topic away and shows it over the guys fone it was your side profile with most of it being just your hair and the cat in the picture.... the guy apologizes for the same saying couldnt help it and all and asks you if you wanted the guy to send you the pic as it was a beautiful one or to just hit delete and you ask for the fone and delete it yourself instead.....

get off and bout to walk away after deleting the pic introduces as manas who has moved into the same one and had a mens wear line of his own and asks you about the stuff you do and all and you just walk away from there.....

that one moment of being clicked by some other guy after years for the first time and then seeing your pic over someone elses fone was beautiful and that weird.....

it was a beautiful shot but that feeeeeeeeeeeeeling the sec you see it it makes you smile cause in that moment you were seeing yourself back then on his fone living that moment of him taking your pic for the first time with gulmohars in hand..... could barely see any of you and yet to just live that moment of him taking your picture made you the happiest....

it was when you dint even know it was love....

there was that sense of khushi though you cuoldnt even see any of you like your face not even a bit and yet there was that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful sense of khushi rushing through you that made you feel like the most beautiful one on the planet i say..... with just hands in the pic too !!

that moment when you realize it wasnt him sitting next to you it wasnt him clicking your picture it wasnt him sharing a moment of you with you it just felt all that weird......

some moments nai sort of make you re realize how even for the simplest of moments it couldnt be anybody else for you.....

even the after feels of that moment lived and you were all the more lost back in that moment those moments with him.....

like from the very start and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it all just rushed through you.....

right from the very start.....

Felt different......

ever since that one moment of living that one visual of having seen him walking hand in hand in the dream the way it just left you with this weird state of mind that you just cant deal with......

like no matter what you do where you go this weird feeling inside !!!!!!!!

like you just cant get over or change it, anyway no matter what you do !!!!!!

and this one term that you come across few days back that you dint know did even exist in some blog...

ghosting !!

like there is actually a behavioral thing like this that exists....

like there is a term for it !!

when someone just leaves without a word for no reason and cuts away all and every source of communication out of nowhere !!

and this happens when the person is not into you - is what it means and said !!

who hotaaa nai charlie kuch dekhe thoo padhe thoo that one loud tangggggggggg that rings - bas that moment same to same as you discover "the" term......

and you suddenly realize hasnt it been this way ever since bup, only  this time he did make it that clear in words like it sort of reasoned out all this while of his disappearance like THIS is why he never was in touch or could be with you again kinda thing......

felt way worse than the term weird or worse !!

like all of this all this while sort of lost its meaning only......

suddenly like all that you felt lived dreamt felt like one big dream like all of him back then too living that love of his feeling those moments living him felt like one big most beautiful dream of your life.....

like it dint happen for real wali feeling.....

and this beauty of a Him that only exists in your mind and not actually for real....

as crazy as this sounds right now whilst writing your state of mind then out.....

exactly what and how you felt !!!!!!!

this is when you relate the same exact phases of his disappearance from your life like out of nowhere you wake up and there is a block right after you had a nite long skype or anythign at all like you know the kind of disappearance that you werent least prepared for.....

that it alwasy used to make you re read yoru words a thousand and one times over just to check what it is that you said or did was wrong that couldve lead to the sudden block out of nowhere.....

could never really make sense and always left you with a zillion questions and self doubts....

that day when you read all bout it its that sudden thing call it fate or whatever you are living a dream now....

He was there in that dream back then and continues to do so like few mins back he was.....

madness i know but the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he feels that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully real in moments like these is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond logics !!!!!!

way beyonder i say !!!!!!!!!!! 

THE presence...

sometimes mostly in this case its always been like this whether be it for real or like this one in the dreams...

the presence that beautifully overwhelming that you sort of need that time space to just be and soak it all in jsut so you could get a hold back on yourself and on and over your senses.....

now since that moment that whisper that touch and the waaaaaaaaaay it shakes and wakes you up and you are wide awake.... THIS awake !!!!!!

sit here to write nd just cant get one word out bhi......

smthings you just donnooooooooooooooooooooo can never get used to !!!!!!

NEVER !!!!!!!!!!!!

never prepared !

some realities nai of life you can never really prepare yourself for, no matter how long it has been....

wasnt smthing that he dint tell you clear enough not smthing that you dint know of !

and yet this ajeeeb sa fear like you sure never were that scared of some visual some vision dream that youve had....

cause its always been bout his presence with you for you and this one completely different to anything that youve ever had....

no wonder this dislike stronger than dislike for sundays now....

never been the same ever since......

was smthing you looked forward for and ever since you would rather sleep it through like you know wake me up when the days done kinda thing !!

again you would rather keep a shut eye to smthing that hurts than allowing it to hurt !

smthings i tell you bout love.....

you can never really be prepared for like this too can happen like this too comes along with loving someone !!

nobody tells you that gets you prepared for that !!

you just gotta learn as you love and so it goes...........!

definitely dint know this too was love, could be a part of loving someone !!

Visuals realities !!

pata nai charlie this ajeeb si feeeeeeeeling in the stomach knotted weird feeling like it just dosnt feel right.....

you shouldnt feel this way !!!!!!!

malooom !!!!!!

but donno why.... like you have no control over it......

first things first the sec you wake up that need to head out for a lil walk.... out n realize it was way too cold tonite rush back in again and just be in your place for a bit...... get on whatsapp block him again.....

this time cause that vision scared you literally like have never been recently only years back in your bachpan it was.... this time this fear was different but equally worse....

imagine just cause he was concerned bout you he was making sure to tell you clear where you stand or dont stand in his life that clear.... now if he realizes how much he still means to you n all he would obvsly make it all the more clear the next time if he had to.....

and maybe in your head you still are not ready for that kinda reality to get hit by !!

that one visual was smthing the way it just left you with that much fear or smthing it sure was.....

ike you can still feel that shiver of the visual through you that you struggle to write now....

and knowing him knowing his concern for you he def would make it all that much more next time if he had to......

and now you are too scared to live anymore of it !!

strange nai....

jsut yesterday that happy for some memory that comes along with his sound and again a sunday that ruins it all away and HOW !!!!!!!!

some damage this sure was......

Better off !!

some realities you are just better off!

this one being one of those !!

it was a sunday like that one and now months later it was a sunday like this one.....

just this connected in sync almost......

like part one was that and part 2 happened today....

watching some christmas movie you pass out half way through.....

and these sounds wasnt his music cause it wasnt playing neither was it the movie cause you could hear the dialogues of thefilm still running it was different...

it was footsteps and that need to smell his presence nd that same beauty you could smell all him around and that need to see him but againmaking sure you dont move too much and you slowly open your eyes to look for him to just see him and these two almost shadow like figures walking towards another direction holding hands.....

try to open your eyes poora to see cause you could still smell him and look closer and it was him i guess cause it definitely was his smell him walking with someone.....

the way that one visual shakes you up in the worst way possible it was weird smthing you couldnt handle be it that moment there or even after waking up.....

like the way it shakes you up and you wake up.....

it just almost chokes you up like you wake up looking for water to drink tabi k tabi.....

knowing he was your best friend you sholdnt have felt it that way also cause he did say the same to you in that last chat......

you shouldnt have if he was just your best friend.....

that beautifully ironical it was he was your only love too !!