H H

 A lil too him high tonight a lil too drunk a lil too nostalgia his sound of music flashback loop or n just like that sit here reading comments that sounds like it was a lifetime ago 

N yet how do you still feel all this away n how s ok be sounds the wayyyyyyyys it takes u back to that very moment Ashe plays itin car on way to sangji n that one look that one shift in you like suddenly everything had changed for you ekdum se......for life!!!!!!!

Gear change song playing just like that yourlide took a turn n how nai.......that one that one him I swear charliey

Aisaaaa kaiiisa ekdum se

This big sigh with a smile even as it plays now 

Word full mornings…!

 Just a bit of the full rush of word n text flow this morning!!!!!

When the start of the day feels like this already!!

This beauty of some ironies like these!

Visuals!!!!!!

 Visuals that strongly resemble the vibe of evenings at Opera……

Moments and suddenl flash backs of one of your most fav  spaces like these on a Sunday like this one!!!!!

ironic magic of sound!!!

 More than half sleep on the couch with this track playin on loop mind high on him eyes shut and suddenly these glimpses of him that you haven't even seen him as in person for real but at the inorbit entrance very same place that many memories to the way of water that youd seen there exactly on the day you did the first time with him....very VERY shubodh i mean but this sudden feeeel as you live him at the very entrance the now him talking something to you his voice you can hear him you can see but can't understand what's he trying to say....open your eyes tryin to make sense of the moment cause it definitely wasn't a dream you are quite up n not asleep yet.....

N with that sudden sense of confusion to just seeing him for real charlie is it normal for just the sound of music without any lyrics can make you feel like a fool you've been all these years......all this time away!!!!! Sude yly such a fool hoping waiting maybe this dream maybe this place maybe this moment maybe this sound n you'll find him for real see him for real again!!!!!! N the years went by just like Why would a sound without any words ekdum se make u feel away like this n all this at once......

The game!!!!

 To the day today out to get a few work things done and then back home to lavanya her boyfriend and few of her friends as the boyfriend now moved to the same community as yours and she stayed back there for the game today....the second you step in and settle down and she says the name are Chetan pass me the chips no and your hearrrrrt one look at you looking around and she laughs out saying her name is chaitanya but they call her Chetan and says sorry to you saying I should've told you this before and you were somehow embarrassed with your sudden reaction over the sound of his name and their reaction over it as your mom still standing looking at you and rush out of the room to the balcony.....

It was a beautifully weird and ironical moment charlie how some names you just can't take it to be a regular one.....the way it was that rush ekdum se with that sound of his name cause ever since the morning today waking upto that feeeel of him it just felt beautifully different today as you trying to get back yourself with his music for a bit turn around your mom there and the way she gets surprised as how you were smiling away as she adds the way sound of his name still makes you that happy ......it's this thing suddenly your mind tings away if only you could tell her it's not about the still makes you feel that way it's always been this way all this while...

Somethungs you don't choose in life charlie they choose you...

Today throufb this awesome game of football as the others keep mentioning bout Messi's win being predestined over the history and stuff the way the conversation leads to destiny and fate.....it's always been this charlie it had to be Him...

It's always been Him and had to be Him...!

It's not just your mind or what you go by things with its happening in moments that shpuldnt be that way who even listens to these tracks or how does one moment connect with the other this insync how do you always end up feelin hum his closeness him mqking you feel he is with you when you are sick how does he answr away that sudden doubt your heart feels cause of moment or conversation through the day.....

There are things that still don't make sense like his absence for real when there's that THAT much of love of his still with you in moments like those......

Why it's still just you when there's still that much him that you feeeel away that he makes you feeeel away to be more precise!!!!!!

This mind i tell you form that very moemnt this morning nothing else that one closeness of him that one presence of him even with eyes shut!!!!!!!

Moments!!!!!!!

 To this morning this restless sleep moving changing sides over n over again again when you don't remember when you actually come back to your room from the couch and this one time you were bout to fall off the bed at the edge and thus one pull suddenly to the othe side as you move this one feeeeeeeeel of him with that scent of his over your neck his daaadi to his chin nose and a moment over momentvit was that rushhhhhhhh in him charlie that you could suddenly feeeel over the way he just holds onto you that strong grip with these moments like you lose sense of what's happening is it abdream or happening for real are you sleeping or awake like you don't feeeel a thing else than him it's like beyond that you just don't remember feeling seeing anything just that rushhhhhhhh of him over you in ways again daaaammmmnnnnn!!!!!!!

Something's this neeed to just write out knowing you can't!!!!!!!

It was very very different charlie these are very things you don't recall relive any which way cause you know the after feeels that well like moments like these suddenly make you realise what it was to feel all this away what it was fo feel him that way to live this feeeeels altogether!!!!!!

It's that sudden weird feel it can leave you after sometimes.....and also when you don't wanna feeel the absence that way it's that weird empty feeel thig that you avoid thinking feeling!!!!!

But starngeky this morning felt that real his feeeel his rush his presence everything every bit of those moments felt like he was actually there with you...somethungs you write and ajeeb it feels it was a dream that you know and stil felt that real!!!!

How only nai!!!!!!!!

Moments!!!!

 Some moments nai they just fill you up with something so much ekdum seee like you can't think feeel live beyond that thing!!!!!

That almost an hour at the store was all and more bout that like by the end of the day you could feeel the flu kiclin in but the waaaaay it just made you feeeel away evrything him right form the very start.....

Conversations with him him hinting you away in waaaays to make you realise his love for you back then to these other songs being connected with various times and phases of loving and living him.....

To soon as you are home and there aS some series mom was watching it mentions something bout call card and the waaaay the mind goes back to those late hours of the night when suddenly you would rush down to the phone store to get it recharged just so you couldnt miss out on messaging him or taking his call.....it's that whole era kinda vibe of realising his love loving him and then missing him all this while......it suddenly makes you tealise the difference of the timeline the then and the now kinda vibe.....

Mom applies some hair oil as you fall asleep on her lap as you move she gets off to her room and you wake up for a bit to play his music still on sofa and as you turn this time you feeeeel that fabric change under your head like now as you turn you feel the legs to be leaner the denim feeel under your head snuff around and there he was still eyes shut you get a lil closer to where you could smell him more andbthat one touch of his hand over your forehead can't write out in words charlie what WHAT it made you feeeeeeeel like in that very moment!!!!!!!

The more you write now and relive these moments of his closeness ayyyaaaaaaa this ehaaaart i say!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeee you beauuuuuuutiful lil big adooooooorable thing how only you were missed abhiiiiii k abiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

Phoneday!!

 First the phone day been planning to change and upgrade for work reasons solely and you finally decide to go for the 14 pro one pro max waiting period till jan and something's nai charlie your mind just feels that done waiting except for just one thing in life like the others automode mind is like bas ye tho abi k abi hona kinda thing!!!!

So decide for the pro one soon as you enter the aptronix store the very same second ddlj track plays of all the tracks tujhe dekho tho mind zoooooop bolke Him mode on.....the store guy explaining the features and stuff and your mind zoned out to the very next track wake up sid iktara you donnooooo how what or why that one rushhhhh of what's even happening like your life literally in that sync with the playlist starts off with ddlj exactly how it started off with him to iktara to the moennt when the main guy turns it off cause you ask something again bout some feature and you ask the guy to keep it on which was weiiird but something's nai you just canttttt help it!!!!!

To the next song his lucky alis o Sanam and the waAAy it literally strangely madly made you look around what if he is actual mein arpund and he was doing this cause it didn't feel nothung less than a strong hit whirlwind tornado of a rushhhh of him like that insync to that moment when the store guy asks if you wanted to take ut as ut is or data transfer and you ask to proceed with the data transfer and he asks you bout the storage and backup you had on iCloud and you mention you didn't know how to do it and some guy at the back dheere se whispers saying noob no and the waAaaaaaay it made you that happppy i swear charlie like everything around outside unsude you suddenly did become all him!!!!!!

That one question WhatsApp chat will still be there right even it being two 3 lines of him somethungs again can't help it nai!!!!!

All this while lucky alis track to the final track just about done with the thing getting the bill and stuff that one track before stepping out safarnama....

Who even listens to these tracks at a store like aptronix why it had to be right from the start of ddlj to safarnama including just your songs of Him still have no idea.....

The waaaaaaay it just made you that happppy wit that weird beautifully ironic feeel of realisation of the waaaaays you miss him and live moments like these that are just beyond any logic reasoning what so ever!!!!!!

The Him Sirens!!!!!!

 Youdays like these!!!!!

Mind heart all of you just this content right from that very moment in the noon that’s your Sunday morning!!

It’s this feeeeeeeel of him charlie a touch a scent that sense of closeness to that one visual and ayyyyaaaaaaaaa how much your heart all of you has longed for that one visual I say for years now!!!!!!!

No wonder this looooooove extreme amount of looooove that pops up every single time you live that one visual even be it in the dream that sense of him that one presence of him to just live his presence charlie ayyyaaaaaaa!!!!!!

It’s beeen a sick but this beauuuutifulky him high to a great game evening moments of him in the middle of em too!!!!

How do you even tame your mind and heart away to take these moments to be random and not Him for real I say!!!!!!

Karely cold kills cold and this has become your way of treating cold now so a gin to treat the cold but ayyyaaaaa the waaaaay this mind now feeeels this beauuutifully slow and zoned out and off to everything him his daaaadi over your neck this morning to live a moment like that after decade even be it in dream reminding you what and how it felt like all over again!!!!!!!!

This mind today I say beyond limits not sure if it’s right to write out now but this rushhhhhhhhh now!!!!!!!

Something’s I swear nothing can make you feel this way the waaaaays anything Him does I say!!!!!

Saving the feeeeel the day away!!!!!!

sound of music!!!!

 Come down to write out and some days you just donnooo if you find the music that further gives you that him high already on or the music finds you!!!!!!!

Some days!!!!

 There’s sooooooo much write out bout yesterday’s it was one full day pooora ka pooora day of magic and HOW!!!!!

Out to get the iPhone 14 pro but the wAaaaay the complete process becomes just Him!!!!!! Right from the start to stepping out of the store it was just him!!!!!!

U wouldn’t even expect moments like these to happen and then take ‘em to be just random!!!!!

To this morning wake up with flu like symptoms but the waaaaaaaaay he was there charlie ayyyyaaaaaaa said it before can keep saying it over n over again nothing no one place animal thing literally can make you feeeeeel all this away the way his orsence in any way does!!!!!!

Even slightest of him and the waaaaaay it fills you away with all this that you are feeeeling right now……

The way he had this vibe today of not letting you move slightest away from him the way he keeps holding onto your arm trying to get you come close to him to that adooooooorable nod of his not wanting not letting you move away from him…..ayaaaa IF ONLY this synced well with the reality IF ONLYYYYYYYYY IT DID!!!!!!

More soon finally managed a lil workout to that moemnt everything in you was yearning for literally!!!

The sublo moment of Him…

Play a track no vibe play another one and he was right there this looooooove for the night time city lights the way it all looks like the night sky dream like late at that hour where everything starts to slow down the sound the people around the cars around and this rushhhhh of him with all the orange glo lights twinkiling around……

This love again cause of him…how you looooiooved living him at that hour dropping you back home and the way just bout to get out he wouldn’t let go of your arm it’s like he needed a moment or two to finally let you get off the car like that one face he used to make charlie ayyyaaaaaaaaaa even much before your apartment the waaay he would slow down the car take multiple lanes before finally your place…..to that same face same expression of his years after at his Dd place just before you step out of his place that same face the waaaay his face used to just transform away his eyes his smile a lil off like everything in him not wanting you to leave just yet……it’s like everything in him holding you back holding you away just standing there looking at you with that one face he used to make!!!!!!!all through the moves today his face this morning his expressions his body language from back then just before you get out of his car his hand holding you his eyes even writing it now this feeeeeeeeeel IF ONLYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

There was that beauuuuty charloe of those moments like all through the late night drives that rush of love on him when your home is far away like he would transform into this beauuuuuuuty at tat hour a walking talking breathing form of all things magic to just bout reaching home and that transformation again……

His face your poooora heart all of him all of you right there!!!!!!!!

Something’s some visuals the waaaay it all felt that beauuutifully insync today!!

This mind since yesterday a Him trip like no other I say!!!!!

Words of happiness!!

 Right in the middle of a super hectic day a moment of words full of heights of happiness!!!!!

Some words that sense of nostalgia of a familiar moment lived with Him…!

Something’s nai hits you on another level only aaj tho with multiple moments of magic already!!!!!!!

Some moments!!!!!

 Some moments are just beyoooond you!!!!!!!!

It was a working work out today with calls and confirmation and finally a rushed one it’s that feeeel now charlie when you wake up with no dream of his it’s this state of mind it puts you in a very unsettling feel can’t write out it just feels ajeeb….a vibe like you missed out on seeing him feeling him living him away kinda weird feel!!!!

To workout finally done and the most looked forward for moment of your mornings after the waking up the stretch!!!!!

Play a track no vibe just sound play another one and after a min that rushed sound of the beats and there he was wit it that one smiiiiiile of his full wide smileeeee at opera soon as he stops the car one look at you that very moment this clear with and to the sound dark background of the opera him wit that one smiiiiile that clear under the moonlight that rush on his face the way he loooooved to live that feeeel at a distance even when sometimes you reach out to hold him or something he would push you a lil and instead live that feeeel live that rush for a bit and then lost!!!!!!!!

The waaaaaaaaay it always used to make you feeeeel away a zillion things rushing inside you just the waaaaay he would smile in that very moment before moments !!!!!!that spark in his eyes that rush in his smile!!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa your heart right there!!!!!!!

All through the moves today those initial moments of rush with the sound at opera……to that feeeeel of a distance and then being laced away almost evrythung him!!!!!!!

Something’s you don’t wanna write out cause you knoooowwwwwww the after feeeeels it leaves you with!!!!!!

It’s like suddenly the mind all of you in another state altogether!!!!!!

All it took was a sound a visual of Him and this you like always!!!!!!

U actually managed a before and after feeeel with selfie and this feeeel the way it’s this evident the waaaaaaay it fills you up with allllll HIM AND HOWWWWW!!!!!!!

Sound of magic!!!!

Moments of beauuuuty and magic like this amidst work!!!!!

When some sound instead of cheafin sounds like chippy chippy chippy!!!!!!!

Mind I say right from that very moment of smoke clouds and Him this morning!!!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeee you thing of beauuuuty and magic highness I say!!!!!!!!!!

If you onlyyyy ONLYYYYYYY knew!!!!!!!

It’s a met you on the mat today!!!!

 Absolutellllllly looooooove this bit of the start of your day now!!!!!!!!

How what why how only you still got no ideaaaa!!!!!!

It’s been weird lately like the day alstarts off on a beauuuuutiful high but by the end of the day you end up missing him THAAAT bad like it hits a low by the end of the day!!!!!

Coming home after the usuals playing his music and grabbing a book lately but the waaaay the mind wanders to evrythung him his lilst glimpses expressions faces he used to make sounds he used to mimic evrythung starts to rush through you to another realisation’s of how this year not even once the unblock happened!!!!!

Some facts nai make you feeeel alaway ajeeb beyond levels!!

To this start of the day and the waaaaaaaaay he comes charlie ayyyaaaaaaa how only did that one face become all this away for you!!!!!!

That feel of happpinesss that you feeel on the inside soon as you see him is something else…..it’s this closeness lately that you feeel in his dreams the way he is just there to make you feel he is there kinda vibe to it some very slow whispers that you can barely understand but all that matters in that moment is his sound of voice…

To this track you stumble upon mid workout of his eternal sunshine to this one most loooooved time of your workout now…

The sublo moment of his is what it’s going to be from now on…

This track of dreams and seahorses and with the sound that one visual he comes with…

Skype call talking something writing back in between the conversation he would suddenly stop writing and just that one stare lights up his cigarette and just stares smoke in the air just him looking not a word and the waaaaaaay that one stare of his always used to hold you away can’t move can’t speak can’t feeel a thing else than just him…

All through the stretch that one viiiibe of his stare be it Skype calls or somewhere in public suddenly he would stop and just look lift stares across the street across the car suddenly no smile nothing just that one look in the eye and HELD and how!!!!!

World around sounds around evrythung else just stops, all you can feeel hear see live looooove is Him…!

Even writing it now again goosebumps!!!!!!!!

Workout done but the waaaaaaay that moemnt left you with that beauuuuuuuuuuuty of him!!!!!!!

Something in the way he just says a zillion things away with just that one stare not a word nothing at all!!!!! 

Annnnnd when it feeeels like a lifetime having lived a moment of his for real like that one!!!!!!!

Soooooooooo yaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!

The most gorgeooooous seahorse I say!!!!!!

Meet you on the mat…!

 There is no other apt title for today’s moment of MAGIC!!!!!!!

Just happpppppaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s like now you look forward to your sublo moments of stretch just so you get to feeeeel him away dream him away in the waking state every morning…

Something’s are just beyoooooond what why how will never make sense!!!!!!

Just pure magic!!!!!!

Weird feeels of finding some track yesterday the way it just hit you on another level!!!!!!

To this morning no dream but some words literally speak to just you and how…

Music to you is your underwater dive everytime you plug-in music be it his music or music that has him feeeels is your escape your hideout that no one knows about or can hear about that’s also why you never really let anybody have that access to your music manager trying mom trying other friend other day trying to check what you are listening to and you make sure they don’t……it’s your world that you deep dive into and find him always there!!!!!!

This moemnt of post train stretch and you mostly reach out to emancipator or his Androcell….

Today this one track you play mind feeeels that deep dive vibe again slow beauuuutoful eyes shut as you stretch and there he was the way that one moment of him holding you at his Dd place and dropping over slow over his bed still holding you hand under your head always looking you in the eye constant throug that moemnt like this one moment plays on loop that smile on his vibe on the waaaaaay everything suddenly again transforms inside out…..to the other moment same place and he tries to reach you to tickle or hold you and you laying over his bed him standing a lil away and you take those full circle rounds over the bed as he tries to reach and then stops and just watches you do that with that one faaaace charloe ayyyyyaaaaaaaaa even reliving it now as you write epic level of happiness I say right there on his face!!!!!!!it’s the waaaaaaaay it just used to make you sooooo soooooooo happy to just see him smile chuckle awaaay that way!!!!!!

The waaaay through the movements today could that strongly feeel those moments feeel his arms around you that one stare of his that one chuckle of his!!!!!!!

How does just watching someone smile make you that THAT happpppy!!!!!!

Suchaaaaa trip today it was!!!!!!!!!

Music ahhhhhhhhhhhhh things can do to your mind I say and HOW!!!!!!!!

The waaaaaaaay he just comes just like that!!!!!!!!!

Beyond logics I swear!!!!!!!!

Workout today was full power and now this mind still lost in that moemnt this beauuuuuutiful calm it suddenly filled you with mix of that much rush of him and the calm too!!!!!!!

Sound of music…!

 Mornings with words of loove like this!!

what do you want!!

 Some words some questions this familiar like they play evry year and yet your answer remains the same...

What do you really want for your birthday.....

Cause you didn't look that happy as she adds I thought all these wrr3 something you really liked and you try really hard and your best to show you actual mein wrr3 happy but somehow kaise dikh he jaata......

It did make you feel nice cause you'd been wanting to get one for long just didn't have the time to find which one you really wanted color wise and style wise and there itvwas a navy one of all the color to just finding that Snoopy in powder blue again.....

There is that difference charlie things you think you want and then something your soul feels and knows what it wants already.....

It's always been beyond things you know that real essence of happiness something that your core feeels much before you do yourself was has always been Him...

Even much before you yourself knew it's always been him!!!!!!!

It just makes you feeeeel things you never felt again nothing not even close.....

Be it this morning's dream his presence again where your hands know it's him his voice and the way it makes you feeeeeel on the inside the second you hear it to the moennt when ouy for lunch and the screen plays Coldplay track and you see a guy walking out with a backpack that says gypsy soul all in that very moment.....like one moment conn3cting to the other one to the other one......it's like making you take notice of these lil moments of magic that had Him screaming right 9ut there throufb those moemnts......

To just know!!!!

 From that moennt to just feeeeel that thing i just got that lucky!!!!!!

Like when you see around that essence of love somehow don't can't find much.....the way he loved you to live him bond you shared was different and beyond!!!!!

From that very moment to all your back you almost fepl asleep in the car with his music 0n.....which never really happens especially when it's just you on your own but you did that day it wasn't cause ofbthe crazy work schedule off late but was cause your heart you felt that content that very day right from the start......

Lived him in a way that way after longest of times which you longed for the most apart from the other zilluon things you missed him with and for, his randomness was also something you that bad missed and then to live it after that long you your hear just that happy and at peace.....

Only once you home first thing you see are packages and your mom mentions how do you even forget your own birthday month every single time like not mention it even for once.....that's when it really hits you that it's your birthday month also makes you smile away how even before it's the startvof October you just get that happy for his birthday.....

Though it's week away she decides to get avfew things thinking that's what you wanted.....if only!!!!!

One constant birthday gift i tell you that one wait!!!!!!

It was your first air Jordans the second you see it that one smile and she adds knowing it's your fav color now had to get this but there was a pastel and brown too but you like navy now.....and you couldn't help but say it out loud I love navy in your head it's him in a navy shirt playing on loop in that moemnt with thatsmile on.....to that next one being a F1 t shirt to the other one you see and that had Him all over it......apart from the other sweatshirts the one catches your attention was a powder blue Snoopy hoodie......

He used to address him as Snoopy in letters and cards when calling you bombi!!!!!

Something's nai charlie like it all had something of him in anyway the way evrything there before you had him in some way......like the second you see the hoodie it's his words am happppy like the happppy Snoopy rush through you and back it was on your birthday card......a beautiful ironically beautiful co incidence as this one.....after years there was the Snoopy he wrote bout right there!!!!!!

Places!!!!

 Organizing things reorganizing work bits to getting the deadlines right before you work on branding and stuff......

It's been hectic but there is that beauty charlie like nothing can possibly deviate your mind away when it's this chaotic at work the way lilst something of him does.....like that one smile just wouldn't go even with serious discussions on when the manager mentions let's discuss this another day cause you don't seem like you are here in totality...... exactly what it felt like....

Finally ask Venky to take it necklace road and mentions about some race event going to take place on Sunday and the road might be closed but you just had to be there......thankfully one road was open your fav side of it ..be there for a bit have the feeeeeels of finding peace in his places.......like that one place closer to him with that rush of him through your mind.....

Head back taking the turn out and you see this car slow by and the girl tries to reach out to the water bottle at the back while the guy looks ahead at the road.....

That very moment your mind goes He never never not even once missed out on a moment like that one whilst you try to grab a bottle of water at the back.....only after he tells you that usually it's always on his door side the water bottle bt ever since you he made sure to keep it at the back just so you c0ild lean over him trying to get the bottle at the back......the way that moemnt in that very place felt that beauuutifully different...

Him his face in that moennt evry single time the way he would always slow the car down slowly move it off the road just so he could come a lil closer and live your presence that way as you try to reach out to the bottle and turn and find him his face that close to yours.......like he always always did that!!!!!!

It's some moments charlie that make you realise how much HOW MUCB you truly were loved!!!!!!!

Dreams to soul...

 To think of it now it's like his soul speaks to you in ways that go beyond logics......writing something's out can seem completely beyond and without logic but it's a strong feeeeel everytime you live a dream that doesn't feel like it was a regular one like it had something to it like some message that you possibly had to decode make sense of and not take it to be just a dream........the way all that while of you just living him to that moennt of realisation how happy he actually was by your presence to the way he just knew its you by the way you held onto his jacket by your nods just by the glimpse of your hand.....the way even throufb rushest moments at work just these things that kept replying in your head on loop....cause it def didn't feel like a casual dream....

Even thinking ot it now as you write out!!!!!

Heart happy!!!!

 Like from that moment of walking upnto reliving all those moments of him just his presence his voice that feeeeeel of him around like it felt having lived really lived for real all those in another lifetime only!!!!!!

With his absence having felt the longest ever!!!!!!!

It's like suddenly you were re introduced to the world of his presence like being drawn and placed right back to where you always belonged.....it was that line of absence to presence kinda vibe to it......

Like you were seeing him all over again in that moemnt that felt familiar to the ones you did when you first saw him.....mirror glance to the coffee moments to just lvingnthat beauty of his casual presence and randomness.......to that moment of him eventually finding you knowing you like he always did this time by just your hands he knew it's you.......and by the sound of his voice the way it felt like he was that happy to know it's you where all this while you thought he would actually get mad knowing it's you...

To the waaaaaaay it all felt strangely co incidentally beauuuutiful.......it's like in the movies you have these absolute romantic moments of knowing someone then the unknowing and then them finding you again to just know all that while it's always been you...!

Live him!!!!

 The beauuuuuty of the dream was the moments you'd lived in his presence...

Who hota nai charlie if it's been too long since you've felt something you somehow underestimate the impact it can have you when you finally live it......

You always knew what and how much he meant stolll means to you in your life.....but to realise reconnect relive that beauuuuuty of his presence all over again was SOMETHING WLSE !!!!!!

Even be it for the dream bhu.....

To just see him walking around talking over the fone speaking to somebody listening to somebody filling that mug of coffee and in between turns to you and you look away walking across the lobby looks at you and you try to hide away with evry bit of you just wanting to run into him hide away in him but there was also that fear of him getting mad at you like what were you even doing there cause you definitely donno how did you even land there like you talk to the lady something bout some work which you don't know don't remember cause her face was blur people around all blurred faces like that part was all blur all you could see there in that big space was him just his face was visible his voice you could hear the conversation he was having with people you could hear not what the lady was telling you like that didn't make sense......

To that moennt when he finalllly was there that close to you having that conversation with you to hear him after years to feeel his closeness like that close to you after years to just him knowing knowing you that well knew it's you just by your hands even reliving and writing it now THIS FEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!!!!!!!!!

The dream!!!!!

 First and foremost the dream THE DREAM!!!!!!!

Tat you'd been waiting to write out amidst everything hectic that's been rushing through at work!!!!!

Like you keep making notes of the moemnts lived on ur fone just so you don't forget before writing it out.....

Cause never before in all these years did you ever ever have a dream like this one!!!!!!

It starts off with some work space you are at and very sleepy with this desk over at one corner you strangely have a shut eye there in that corner......it suddenly gets extremely cold and before you know there is that warmth all over your back and head as you try to make sense of what it was with eyes still shut cause you were that sleepy it felt like it was some hoodie take a deep sniff and it was his smell that one scent of him that yohve lived with deeeeeepest of sniffs possible.......no wonder stayed with you and your nose and HOW all this while!!!!!!!

The waaaay it fataaak se wakes you up knowing he is right there somewhere around like for sure it was his hoodie over you get up and try to l9ok around and see him walk to another room acorS the lobby with some lady go along with smaller steps just to make sure he doesn't know it's you bolkee he asks the lady who is that guy there new one joined today and she says it's a woman not a man.....and he talks bout not having seen clearly as there wasba jacket already on you and that's when you realise you had a jacket on and still were that cold that he doesn't even check who or what and just lays his hoodie over thinking some body random was cold......

Go a lil closer to the room see his reflection in the glass door ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuutt of some moments that one face that one being you've lived looooooooved breathed all this while there he was standing right there in a black crisp shirt navy denim looking his beauuuuuuuuuuuuhtofully sexy best with daaaaadi and your heart all of you right there living making the most of that visual !!!!!!

Soon as he looks at the door and you move away just so he doesn't spot your presence.....it was some office space that you were there for some work which till now you couldn't figure why or what it was.....there were these moments where you just watch him walk around taking to people filling up his coffee from themaxhine and the second he tries to look at you across the room you look away just making sure he doesn't know you are in the room as him......cause then you know he w0ild disappear......

It all felt very strangely beauuutiful charlie because for one your heart was living away alllllll those very moments that you missed MISSSS this bad about him.....to just live him live his presence even for random everyday ordinary moemnts casual moments to just feeeel that beauty of his presence and secondly that fear of what if he knows you are there it just felt strange.....

To this one moennt when he finally comes and asks you with your back towards him hope you are fine now cause you did look like you were really cold and you just nod saying a yes without a sound and he asks if he could take his hoodie back and you nod saying a no and hold onto it tighter and that sound of his chuckle that one adoooooooooorable sound of his chuckle and he slowly gently asks do I know you and you nod saying a no and he tries to bend over on the other side trying to catch a glimpse of you like you could feeel him around you coming a lil closer to that closeness of his scent and you look the other way with that one ruuuushhhh where all of you just wanted to hold him away hide away in him in that very second he chuckled again look very familiar is it you and this time there was that wide smile in his voice adds that one line cause I know those hands very well it is you nai?

And you trun with a rush and wake up!!!!!

This was just tha one moment charlie that stayed with you qnd how!!!!!!

Cause all throufb the dream there were many moments cause it sure was a long very long dream with several moments of you crossing the room him walkin past by and then finally finding you it just all felt very different nithung like you'd ever dreamt before!!!!!!

Beauty there is!!!!!

 This beauuuuuuty of some realisations I say!!!!!!

Where you literaaaallllly wait for your mom to leave to her room just aoooo you can write out this rush of everything that you’ve been feeeeeling away and how!!!!!

Where it’s only last night soon as you come home do you realise it’s your birthday month almost every year the waaay his dates his birthday this one day of your life like no other and you almost forget yours every month!!!!!

To this realisation of how nothing really does make you feeel away things the way his things do!!!!!!

Just was a day days this beautiful with him this morning be it yesterdays wonder of the wonders dream!!!!!!!

To wearing something today and by the number of compliments to just the way you looked felt that very first feeeeeel for him to see you in it……like this one thing has remained constant inspite of the changes every time you wear something you really liked yourself in for him to see you to just the way these coldplay moments throug the day out to just everything feeeeeeling away the way it is…………

Mind just this beauuuuutifully lost!!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeee you gorgeooooous gorgeooooooous lol big adoooooorably sexuyyy thing how only you were missed today!!!!!!!

Day saving away feeeeeels saving away!!!!!!

MORNINGS!!!!!!!

 Ayaaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaays he comes!!!!!!!

Jaaanaaaaaa mein koi anjaaaanaaaaaa naiiiii howliiiiiiiii huuuuuu meiiii. Tereeeee naam ki!!!!!!!!! Mei pooori ki pooooori howliiiiii I say!!!!!!

That one feeeeeeel that one rushhhhh like no other that one dream like nooo other!!!!!

A love like they show in the movies kinda vibe!!!!!

Ayaaaaaaaaaaa can say it over and over again nothing else can make you feeeel like this the way waaaaays he does!!!!!!

A long dream one of its kind coming soon for now mind just just happpy even with the complicated day at work ahead it just just feeeels happy!!!!!!

A happpy trippy him high workout done mind still buzzing over that one presence in the world in prapancham like not other!!!!!!!

Mind I tell you gets the Singh’s awaaay quite literally, like there’s no stopping holding taming it away!!

Ze mind!!!!!!

 This mind on another roll only I say!!!!!!

No luck today this morning with the dream but the waaaaaaaaay a moment a glimpse of him from yesterdays morning stays with you and how!!!!!!

Come back real late last night but this beauuuuty of this time of the year every year around the chilllllllllll in the air in the nights play his music loud in your room and just be and the waaaaay he stays all rushing through you!!!!!!

All it took was a moment a sound of his and the way evrythung you every lil thing you becomes all him and how!!!!!!

The smile wouldn’t go the party the rush the beat on the inside wouldn’t stop!!!!!

To make it all that much more bautifullly worse is the voice of Enrique that also is all him!!!!!!!!

His words conversations moments at opera him proving you how it’s that beauuutiful strong love out of a song randomly played!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh howleeeeeeeeeeeee how only you do this away to the mind to the you I say!!!!!!!

Kabhi booot bar lagta when you miss this strong eldummm andaaar se misss something he should feel no something he should cause vibes are stronger than words and when this vibe feeeels this strong how only what only!!!!

Workout done and HOW mind trippin on all him and HOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

Every single time somehow donno how or what it’s the sublo stretch time that feeeels stronger with all him feels!!!!!!

Beyond logics!!!!!!! This high is def not going down anytime soon looks like!!!!!

HOW NOW!!!

 How HOWWWWWWWW only like this!!!!!!

Mind everything on the inside having this lil party of their own!!!!!! Everything on the outside pretending holding to stay act calm like a usual day…….

But the waaaaaays he comes I sweaaaar!!!!!!!

From the yesterdays him high to the today mornings him hiiiiiiigh on another level only!!!!!!

It’s like wooooooosh bolke swept off and away to everything him and HOWWWWW!!!!!!!

Said it just last night can scream away from a mountain too I say nothing can possibly make you feel away the way slightest of his presence does…from the Forest dream to another moemnt still in the forest turning side and the way he just comes that close THAAAAT close still looking you in the eye from that upclose holds you in the same way and moves you SLME MOMENETSSSSSS u thaaaaat bad wanna write away and know can’t ayaaaaaaaaaaaaaa mind aaaaaj him high to whole another level only!!!!!!!!!

It’s almost magic like how the scent of him with eyes closed every single time and you just know it’s him bolkeee!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you gorgeouuuuuuus lil big adoooooorably most annoying thing in the world how onyyyy you were missed I say!!!!!!!!!! I sweaaar if only you had the slightesttttttt of idea!!!!!

Happpy workout mid workout Enrique plays every single time voice of Enrique and it just has that essence of the Bangalore times conversations missing sounds of that very most beautiful time!!!!!!!!!

It just all feeeeels different in the head today one lil something rushing on the inside!!!!!!!!’

wandering eyes...

 There is this lil conversation the other day you have with the manager.....

At concu and she talks about how your eyes are always in that constant search mode like initially she used to take it as you checking out guys or people around but then she realised you don't even look at someone staring at you and instead it's just that constant search like you are scanning people passing by walking by driving by in jams it's that constant search what are you even searching or just your way of thinking or thought process.....

It's not something conscious charlie it's that thing of missing him having m9ssed him all this while like you can go on with work discussions and stuff but when out your lips maybe talking mind thinking planning work bits but it's the eyes charlie in that constant wander mode....kahi tho kahi bhi so see him live his presence for real......aise he kaise bhi that one face in the crowd like no other in the world i say...

Even reliving it now again this one beautiful sigh your heart breathes lil did you know back then how this one face will soon be changing the story of your life away and how!!!!!!!

Make you feeeeel away live away things you've never felt lived before and for a lifetime...!

Daaaadi!!!!!

 His eyes smile his daaaaadi that beauuutifullu full grown the way it leaves this beautiful tinkle on your finger tips away.....

With that vision of the first very first time you see him see that beauuuuuuty of him in a full grown daaadi of his back from Bangalore late night lift still coming up and that one face that one visual can never get over with......the beauty of that moennt still amazed you!!!!!!

That much missing for just few weeks of missing finally see him the way he just comes close to the those steel bars kinda entrance of the lift like coming close to you not was8ting waiting another second still not fully up he already opens the lift gate and holds you up and away with and in that rush of just holding you.....

His eyes now you realise a lil high that one smileeeeeeeeee with that khaki jacket of his daaadi fully grown the waaaaay he just looks that beauuuuuuuuuuutoful and soon as he puts you down first thing feeeel his face away and he goes on saying how he didn't have the time to shave and in that very moemnt you add how beauuuuutiful he looked in full grown daaaadi feeling his face away......that was your first time love for his daaaadi to live him that way looking his beauuuuutoful best.....it had that untamed vibe to him him at his beautiful best the whole vibe of missing him tha5 much qnd living something new bout him or for that logic for that matter how you never really noticed something as beard and that very moemnt seeing him with one was love at first touch......

SOMETHING'S!!!!!!!!!

This you!!!!!

 It's the way not just on the inside but on the outside the way it's just that evident enough what kind of impact anything him has on you .....

Prolly the only thing that can shake you always has in every way possible - Him!!!!!

The only weakness and strength of your life...

It just does something away charlie like you can't write out in words and dot even know why it still makes you feeeeeel away all this it just does .......on your way back thatvone smile just reliving that one face that one expression of his where everything else around places people start to disappear mind this beauuutifullu hazy and slow just that one face on loop soon as you enter home mom first question what happened something in the lift look at you smile like this.....like she was just surprised pleasantly seeing you smile that way away.....head straight to your room some excuse look at yourself in the mirror and that one big smile charlie again cause you see that one face of his relive that expression of his it just makes you happppy on the inside beyond words and reasons......just donno why or how!!!!!

Still wondering how happy just living his face made you feel today even be it in a picture of his recalling WHAT living him for real backnthen used to make you feel like.........

T HHAT one face in the world no wonder this one search everytime out to just find him somewhere to just live him somewhere......

Hazy breathe!!!!!

 It's like from that moment seeing that very face after decades almost that one soliiiiiiid rush it left you with....

See her coming back fatak se put the phone back and the very first comment she says how come your face is suddenly that red asking if you were more cold and didn't want to eat the chocobar......now Venky also knows it's always this bar to get when at necklace road Aaj kal!!!!!!

Like you just couldn't stoooop smiling from that very second with her again commenting on your sanity sometimes I just don't get you how ekdum se you start smiling akele akele......

Cause it exactly does that to you making you suddenly feeeeel away things and HOW!!!!!!!

His smile hisbface his eyes every lil detail bout him and the times lived him it's like suddenly everything him all the more rushes through you.....tried this many a times to not see him anymore to just stop doing so but it's that feeeeel charlie that strong feeeel on the inside donno why donno how never felt wrong......though logically you do try giving up but it just never felt wr9ng the way everytime your mind says otherwise he is there that very night proving your mind wrong and wanting you to go with everything that you feeeel away ...as crazy as this sounds it's like the way he comes to clear your mind away off your doubts to just make you realise his love still there for you.....and then you wake up like today's post dream feeels you don't understand the absence in real.......

Cause the way today's dream felt too it definitely is not just your mind.....there's definitely a reality attached with it like somewhere deep down you feeeel he does too just the absence in real doesn't make any sense is where the connecting dots go missing.....!

ONE FACE!!!!!!

 It's been hectic at work with planning on working on footwear line too there are these meetings with interns with shoe development like it's still in planning process but takes away most of your mind and time.....then there is side ordeal of dealing with stylists that you say no to then go ahead after discussion and then again repent doing so! Mind telling you told you so! Again it's the word "Bombay magic and you just can't help but go ahead and then again that one feeeel how some places can make you feeeel like the sound of it and it brings along a zillion moments and memories lived!!!!!!

That one moment time when you felt closest to that one feeeeel of having his love back again in your life almost!!!!!!!

Sooooo yaaaahhhh late nights at work or maybe it's just you trying to be as busy as you can just so you get your mind off some facts of the reality!!!!!

Aaj bhi through the day meets with intern and then stylist back n forth thing and by late evening order food Aaj at studio only don't really eat and head out instead to just be out dropping the manager almost and you see the icecream thela after very long stop by and she gets off immediately leaves her fone back.....that fataak thing you've been doing past few weeks as the missing been getting worse past 2-3 weeks and that one beloved circle right there after the loooooooongest of times!!!!!!!

There he was THERE HE WAS!!!!!!!!!

THAT ONE SIGNATURE face of his that one expression that you've lived zillion times over where used to swell his nostrils away that adooooooootably eyes rolling away with that almost smile almost smirk face......that first time after you knew it was love the next day comes to pick you up for the gym the second he sees you that first time feeeeels of now suddenly he felt different being close to him felt beauuuutifully different pokes you over your shoulder with his finger pushing you a little and then waits with that one face that one exact same expression and you poke him back his way and he does it over again this time with a different smile on him......

Ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaa the times you've lived that very face!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just is that beauuutiful to realise to know how well you've lived him evry lil detail of his face smiles and expressions!!!!!!!

THAT ONE FACE!!!!!!!

 Said it before repeated before can scream out and away for a godzillian trollllian times over and over again!!!!!!

There is nothing no one no face in the world that can possibly make you feeeeeel away every single lil thing that that THAT one face does to you!!!!!!!!!!

It just makes you happppppaaaaaayyyyyyyy in ways that are beyond logics and facts!!!!!!

Every lil cell in you that just like that comes alive and HOW!!!!!!

It’s this transition that all of you ekdummm se lives breathes feeeeels away in an instance…

THAT ONE FACE IN THE WORLD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!

STARREYYYYY EYES!!!!!!!!

Ayaaaaaa meraaaaaaa pooora ka pooooora heart liver kidney and everything in between and around right there on that one face I say!!!!!!

Experiences...!

 There are some moments experiences in life you live that sort of make you step back and take a second look at what you just felt or lived and make you re realise what kinda impact it has had on your life...

This morning after almost over a week of no seeing living feeling him he did come this morning and HOW!!!!!!

like that moment few mins meant the whole wide world to you cause you alone what and how it felt even be it for a few mins to just feeeeel him away to live feeel his presence like the second you wake up that strong rush of something rushing jumping through you to just experience that level of joy that level of something that was beyond words that ecstatic to just realise having felt him after that long......even be it in the dream...

And through the day that lostness to realise how you are actually going by in your life without him for real...when you culdnt possibly go on more than a week every single day night rather that waiiiiiit to see him feel him live him sniff his scent away to just feeeel that sense of his presence by your side close to you that wait and when you finally live it that THAT feeeeeeeeeling it left you with...

And in reality going by without him you just know what you miss MISS THAT MUCH!!!!!!

hectic at work but that need to escape and get away from it all and just let yourself soak away in that feeeel of him more...

And this recent hideout escape place of yours that literally feeels like you are in his opera place...it's this street beyond the footwear development campus it's a road the vibe the rocks around the wild plants around that vibe of being away from the world and just you and him just like the opera.......

On days when you reallllly miss him like you did today miss in a way that makes you realise it's just you a missing that makes you miss him sitting beside you close to you a missing that makes you miss seeing him for real for real that you can touch feel live kiss hold when you just don't miss something bout him but all of him in ways you can never write em out all in words.......

Is when you just go there after work or sometimes in between just get away and go there it's now like an unsaid thing where Venky just stops by the lil slope kinda thing gets off the car and sits somewhere and you just be there wit his music playing sit in the car as it's pretty deserted sometimes.....

Just be there for a few mins and come back home with all that much more of him!!!!!!

There are things that hit you on another level on some days......today to just feel him touch his hand look him in the eye and be held by him that way was all that and much much more......

Making you realise how you just cojldnt go beyond a week bhi and it's how did you even go by all these years.......!

Came came came cameeee!!!!!

 He caaame he caaameeeeee he caaameeeeeeee and HOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa yeee dilllllll on a flyyyyyyy I say!!!!!!

There is nothing no one I say that can make you feel like this what you are feeeeeeeeeling away right NOW!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mera pooooora ka poooora heart kidney lungs evrythung in between and around I say!!!!!!!!

Doooondi

 Jaaanejaaaaaa dooo dteeeeee fir raiiiii hoooo tumeeeey raattt din. Mei kabiiii abiiii kidkiii meiiii kabiiii fotuuuu meiii kabiii pic kee tuckeee mei yahaaaa deeee wahaaaa muhkoooo awaaas doooooo thimmmmm kahaaaaa dilll gumeyaaaaa ayaaaaa 

Geneeeeie!!!!

 2 gins down and you feeeeellllll like a faackjng genieeeee flying high on a bluuucloudddd high on him and the truck in the movie now goes blueeeee bird!!!!!!!!!!

Ohhhh u wereeee my coaaaat time just fewwwwww blyyyyy I say!!!!!! Just. A blink and years wenrtttt by!!!!!!!

Day whatever!

 When you have practically lost count on what day it is without the sighting!

Not sure cause you been posting how happy his sightings make you feel away now!!!!!!!

Note to self not to say things out loud when you are just too happy I say!

Blah morning with words that sing to the soul away!

Then there are some tracks and the image along, the way it brings along his words from the chat! Again one of those things you don’t wanna think too deep bout cause the feeeeels I say are beyond words……how no it always felt like almost there almost there and!!!!!!!!!

Blah workout blah blah mood it’s already been!😑

Morning wisdom!

 

Waking upto words like these instead of the face and scent!!!!!!