Blue sky!

 Everytime every single time a sky like this

HIM!!!!!!!!!

His chaddi!!!

 To another high point as you just look and realise must must to be mentioned I say like this to be a saved memory!!!!

When you get your order on a day like this one come home to finally have a pj that looks exactly same as his red checkered boxer from back then!!!!

Cheap thrills I say the things that can make you happy I say are beyond logics m reasons!!!!!

Like with a missing like this one as long as this one you your heart n mind somehow find a way of their own to fill it up slightest bhi…..

Anything that makes it feel alive I say anything that fills up for the absence it just holds closest to!

This chaddi same vibes I say!!!!

This mind today!!!!!!!!!

Through the day!

 Back at the studio scheduling order working on the styling getting the lift area fixed and right trough all that she had to tell you ask you each and everything double time cause your mind that beautifully blank…..

It just was that beautifully lost like even changing outfits on the mannequin play the song on loop cause the waaaay you could just feel Him that strong with the song playing even was smthing else is smthing else even now…..

Getting the pictures studio shots looking for how to place where to place to accommodate rest of the things mind still that beautifully high on all him….like you could feel it cause mind trying to work but it just wasn’t up for it I say the way nothing really was getting into your head….

Finally somehow get things done at home ask her to stay back if she wanted to cause it was raining again mind still glued to her fone……is also when you that thaaaaaaaat badly wish he hadn’t blocked you but when that thought strikes you the way suddenly all these feels connections that you this strongly feel sort of vanish away almost…..

Leaves her fone goes down to get smthing from the supermarket face on the table again looking at the fone that close to you mins gone and finally take it another round reached Bombay with songs of Bowie this time…..

The beauty of those moments the way it made you relive those days of drives of his from hyd to Bombay over the fone telling you how he sort of felt the drive to be shortest and almost felt like you were sitting right beside him keeping him company on the drive only today he reached earliest like that was quick……

Some days that beautifully insync like one long time travel feeling all same things connected this beautifully like it was meant for you!!!!!

It’s going to take a whileeeeee for this high to go low I say!!!!!

Mind n heart this almost happy this feeel of feeling him today was still is something !!!!!

There’s no logic there’s no reason nothing connected to you and yet the way it made you feel live him even through the day with other moments , magic…!

No less than magic…!

Memory calling!

 Some days just some days like they were just made for you!!!!!!

Designed for you that specific. Way with those very peculiar moments sounds altogether made just for you I say!!!!

From those moments to just see his story on his way to Bombay his car logo the way it all comes back to you that drive with him on your Burthday his car was new the way he mentions you being first after sister sitting on the front seat some things that adooorably filmy he would mention and that very moment you comment how filmy he too was and that one adoooooooorable smile of his looking away recalling a memory and that one beautiful pause after hau nai I used to call you Bollywood pauses again….looks back at you and just that smile and then looks ahead!!!!!

Any Bollywood song you used to sing away to him or dialogue maroing at him and the way he always used to comment this merku movies banana pasand hai surf, tu tho ekdum Meri Bollywood gf hai!!!!!

This very usual comment of his the way even years later in that moment on that drive he did remember when you mention smthing !!!!!!

It’s the way he did remember smallest things bout you even years later even with the distance back then he did remember !!!!

Sooooo yaahhhh from that drive too many memories to just that feeeel of his drive to Bombay to another memory trip of his drives back then getting Tika over his forehead by his sister to coming over to just see you before he leaves early morning….usual way of starting early mornings driving awa…. Talking to you through the drive sharing moments of and bout the places around smthings some visuals it’s like you see smthing and the way it just all comes back to you!!!!

Like you can’t think straight can’t get your mind back to normal mode but today the mind I tell you wasn’t meant to be in the normal mode ever since the start of the day….

Just the day before at tonique looking for a good Rose This one wine bottle name catches your attention goru with the pic closest resemblance to Rabindranath Tagore him Versova the meet the window the moments the music the way it all just holds you away just standing there looking at the bottle and living all Him away!!!!!!!

Sounds n visuals I tell you, just that one slightest touch of either and you time travel!!!!!! Slightest touch that smooth gone you are and howwwwww!!!!!!

Just standing there looking at the bottle and all those flashes of him rushing through you even as you write now this mind more him I saaaayyyyyyy!!!!!

Nites like these!!!!!!!!

Moments!

 Soooooo yaaahhh!!!!!!

Exactly whyyyy you stay away from writing !!!!!

That almost felt like flying back in time and standing right there living that Moment of watching him bout to take that flight!!!!!

To that moment still standing there in the balcony watching that visual and reliving him and having that talk with yoruself and the eagle still not as beautiful as him!!!!!

Fone rings and your mom asking you for the password of your fone and then saying why do you keep difficult ones and you just go unlock the fone as she had to talk to the manager bout smthing you still at it again smiling again head to the balcony and wait for the eagle to come back for the turn , the only person in the world who would know your fone password without even you having to tell him - Him!!!!!

Some andar wale conversations I tell you that lil chuckle your heart has over nothing at all are the most beautiful!!!!

To finding this track while brushing or shower it was and the waaaaaay it immneeeeediatelllky felt like Him in a sound!!!!!

The waaaaay it was just elevating that feeeel of him what you already were dealing literally dealing with cause the smiiiile on the face I tell you like a moment when your manager comes home and first thing comments is how pink your cheeks were today!!!!!

Like that smileeee just wouldn’t go I tell you!!!!

To that moment of realisation when she was completely drenched and had to change and you ask her to in your room and heads for shower or no clue and asks you to check with the furniture guy cause he had been wanting to talk to you or smthing!

But the very first irority like always the sec you see her fone HIM!!!!!

U literally head over to the washroom asking her how long more she will be taking to just take her fone back and she doesn’t say a thing mins more and finally to just live that one red circle going round round hitttttt it call of the gods!!!!!!

On his way to Bombay passing by a Blue Bird bus the very sight of it ayyaaaaaaaaaaa if he only knewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! 

Him the very HIMMMMMMM being the beautiful blue bird I sayyy to the track Shazam it away no results keep hitting it over n over again no results!!!!!

But the beauty again the way the track you’d already found sounded that beautifully semilunar to this one of his…..

It’s been this thing the waaay this lil one crazy wish not really wish but smthing you reallllky that bad wanted him to mention song names with his video and that one surprisingly comes true atleast some wishes do thankfully and this one you had to shazaaam the life out of it and yet couldn’t find any result!!!!!

But the way this track almost well almost made up for it cause the waAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it’s making you feel Him I say is smthing else only !!!!!!!!!

Like to another level wala feeeeeeels I say!!!!!!!

Sound n visuals!

 On some days when you feel this way feel him with some sound relive moments of him with some sound the way it still makes you feel is when you realise how just his memories still make you feel like nobody’s actual presence ever did not even close lilst close leave alone feel the same way ever again!!!!!

Just his memories to just feel him live him with some memory with his sound playing…..

This track is all or atleast almost what his presence used to feel like…

This morning with the most beautiful dream of his that you can’t write for a zillion reasons also why lately you try your best to not write cause the aftermath of writing is like amping up the missing by a zillion notches higher!!!!!! To what it already was like !!!!!!

So you do your best to hold it all in just so the missing doesn’t get any worse than it already was!!!!

But some days like these when it’s this beauuutifully I sync and in flowwwww you just can’t helpppp but write it out let it out awaaay!!!!

From that dream to the state of mind you already were in like not a single word and just smiling away having chai your mom talking bout smthing you lilooking out avoiding direct eye contact cause you just couldn’t get that smile off I say!!!!

To this one sound of wings flapping and you look out and there was this beautiful huge eagle right outside the balcony just flew past by…..

Literally run out to see and there it comes again with that one beautiful turn zoooop takes another turn and again comes closer to your balcony that you almost allllllmost touched it it was that close and as it takes that turn beautiful slow turn with its big beautiful wings spread across just that one word one feel one visual one loooovvveeeeeeee HIM!!!!!!!

Him just like that exactly same that way security checks and zoooop used Togo his arms up high shoulders high over standing on that lil step at the security checks and you standing right there just living that moment of watching that one gorgeous human bird almost bout to take a flight as he gets off turns around looking for you you still in aweeeee of him smileeeees that smile at you wondering what made you that happy just standing there exact same question as you come close Kaiku ittaa khush ho rai!

Some moments even as you write now you can exactly feeel how you felt everytime in that moment…

Every single time to wait for that moment take those slower steps to stay a lil behind him just so you could live Him that way, the most beauuuuuutiful Human Bird I say !!!!!!

Trippy mind I say!

 And just like that a happy heart sluppped away into a nap some days just the way waaaaaay they make you come alive some sounds that make you allow you to feel him and HOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

This mind today ever since that very start of the day to the waaaay it just flowed through the day one journey one epic journey it almost felt like body that still mind that beauuuutifully flying high on a trip if it’s own visuals and sounds can tooooootally do this to you!!!!!

This you today just the way you felt today has been after a very very long time almost like his presence the way lilst of moments almost allowed you to sort of feel him around you feel his presence over around you !!!!!!

It’s just this beautifully crazy and almost magic like !!!!!

Held your hand and there you go and howwww wowwwwww wowwwwww!!!!!

Basic visual as this and this mind this beauuuutifully high on him even after the waking up some days I tell you howleeeeeee YOU were missed again like never before if you only knewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!

Visuals like these night sky like this mind flying high body moving to a beat of its own shut your eyes all you see all you feel all you live is Him!!!!!

Almost October the month of your LIFE!!!!!!!!

Highjjhhapppy!!!!!

 Saaaay helooooooo hyddd to bombaaaaaay saaaay heloooooo like u did befoeewwweeeeeww

Happpppyyyyyy hiiighjjhhh yahaaaaaa seeeee wahaaaaaaaa

Madneeeeessaass I saaaaay! His chaddddiiuuuuuu!!!!!!!! Laaaal chadddiiuuuuuuuuu

Sayyyy hellooooooo!

 Sooooo hiiiigggghjjjjjjj soooooooo happppyyyy highjjjhhh saaaayyyyy helooooooo like uuu didddd beforeeeeeee saaaaay helooooooo chipppp chipppyyyyyuu like u did beforeeeee!!!!!!

Soooo hioiiigh i can flyyyyyyyy like I did beforeeee so nowwww say helloooooooiiiiii like u did be  FCC oreeeeeeeeeee

Sound!

 It’s this beauty of memories sounds visuals it’s like smthing of it touches you and unfolds it away!!!!

A sound out of nowhere some sound across the street that connects with some track of his some visual on the middle of nowhere that takes you back to a familiar or some word or the way you speak like him sometimes when you are just happy like you literally start talking like him his specific way of talking when he is used to get excited over smthing it’s like instances like these tp that one conversation bout just chudidar or your picture of just feet even then somebody mentioning bout how perfect the chudi looked……

Him adjusting it and telling you how didn’t know to wear it right and how he wanted to change your dressing sense with colour choices and wanting you to try deeper colour tones that would look good on you like him literally having a conversation bout your dressing adjusting the chudi on your chudidar and you lost in him asking him to get off and only after he was done gets off and you just ask him if he wasn’t bothered bout people around looking at him doing that for you and all he says is it’s you karely that’s bout it!!!!!

Holds your hand makes you hold his arm with you lost in him even more!!!!!!

His way of love!!!!!

Which is also why sometimes it makes you wonder he is not the kind like if he really had to do something nobody in the world could stop him from doing so same goes for his love too if he really did……. Some other day this conversation, mind n heart are just happy to dive into that unsettling conversation!!!!!

Sooooo yaaaah!!!!!

Smthings you yourself end up writing reading and this sudden feel it fills you up with!!!!!

Soooooo again yeaaaaah!!!!!

To that next image of it being a group shot of a wrap it was a Rani Mukherjee movie ayaaa first day first show to just read his name!!!!! To that search to look for him and this one corner guy side face closest to his looks but the daadi seemed longer than the one he does have in other picture of his though the hair the daadi side face!!!!!!

But some moments nai charlie makes your heart proud oh so proud of Him!!!!!

Just the other day living that opera moment with him to see that image of his he definitely has come a long way, and your heart transforms into a proud mommy heart in that very moment!!!!

Something’s you just can’t help no matter what!!!!

Regardless of the times situation or what come may, you just can’t un mommy after becoming a mommy!!!!!

Mind of the hearts!

 This thing bout the mind when it’s just is that happy that happy to just be able to feel smthing for real to see smthing some thing charlie of you like it maybe is just your mind again taking up whatever you can to fill up this vast missing of him and for you that one moment of living his moment of a rainy moment when you miss him the mostestedtest with - rains!!!!! To that sound of his song also your song the moment shared with him over the song to just live that connection even writing it down you just know in your head it’s your mind but this heart I say has a mind of its own too just takes up anything that makes it feel good makes it happy!!!!!

And yesterday was that for you to just feeeeel that Charlie after a long time like to you you don’t exist for him then there were these rushes which have stopped now no wonder him back now!!!! Smthings no how do you feel things the way you do!!!!

Smtimes kabhi ekdum se in between work the way the mind zones out wondering how do you feel the things you do specially when you’ve had a real strong dream of his!!!!

To today when some client reaches out to you via manager to just mention how much she loved her wedding lehenga but the special mention was for the other Anarkali she ordered with chudidar and she mentions bout how perfect it was to any that she ever wore like how did you get it so right!!!!

The word term chudidar too comes with a ring of Him…

Out to some random walks to the mall and in the parking lot get off towards the stairs people walking around and the way he stops you sabke beech mein gets down on his knees almost and pulls your chudidar down literally pulls it down and you had to hold it oopar se cause his grip I tell you just so the chudidar doesn’t fall off he pulls it down adjusts the chudi over the ankle and you keep telling him people were looking at you’ll and to stop you will do it on your own but him being him only!!!!!!

Ayyaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeee You beauuuuutiful lil big adooooorable thing how only you were missed Abhi k abhi in this moment here likte likte!!!!!

Visuals n sound!

 A happy heart for no reason almost is when you just pass out watching some connected documentary to his f1 of senna it was a good one but the thing with happy heart charlie it has a calm beauty and mind of it’s own…

And for you to sleep just like that woh bhi whilst watching something you were liking is smthing!!!!

Even with too much work ittaaa aram se neend nai ati heart I tell you happy almost just that beautifully happy I say……

Yesterday again at home early to discuss few things bout the colour palette to work on plus the other line of patterns and mid conversation the manager gets off rushes to the loo with her fone right there closest to your face on the table I say!!!!

Aaj kal moments like these visuals like these and your mind master gogo I tell you! Give it 2 mins wait wait n wait for some more and then it was the call of the gods I say and you answer it away and ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa there he was your most beloved circle circling Around zoom zoom bolke hit it I say and how how does that one someone even peeche se he to just live his presence foto mein bhi ayyyaaaaa heart this you poora ka poora to the other one being smthing you feel that way after years that one slightest hint of connection that slightest beautiful hint actually you felt it other wise this one instance when he posts Gulmohar for the first time written with Mehboobabad!

It’s that feeeling charlie when you sort of look for those answers for those zillion unanswered unsaid questions finding meaning looking for answers looking for some hint smthing that you mean smthing to him atleast when all of you feels lives him this way…..it’s that thing bout adding logic adding meaning to all this that you feel with smthing anything from him that makes you feel you maybe exist for him too in his life in some way!!

The second you see that visual of him in auto Indian auto Indian street Bombay street with kaya project your song playing that one Andar wala scream I tell you like everything inside of you with that one big jump he is baaaaack!!!!!!

To that next second of ironic realisation hau tho! 

It’s like that smthing some word inside wale conversation mein totally ruins it for you damaaal bolke!!!!! Like it all fataaak se comes crashing down all that excitement happiness of him being back to that ironic realisation hau tho Hyderabad mein Bombay mein hai talin mein hai hau tho!!!! 

Then back to that just happiness to just live that moment of his rainy streets of Bombay your song playing him just being back to that beautiful connection of the night before same moment almost it was raining here too and some other sound you living you missing him with something’s I tell you just beyond logics!!!!!!

Almost same moment different places!!!!!!!

Him with Sound!!!!

 This feeeeeeeeeel of him the more you listen to the track on loop ayyaaaaaaaa that one wave of him the waaaaay it just hits you I say takes you along swooooooop swoooooop bolkeeee that smooth that one brush of wave of him this mind this you this very moment!!!!!!!

All those moments of living him at the gym lost in his music straight face working out in some corner and then ekdum she would turn n look at you and take the headfone off and just be for a sec look away sometimes and Mostky

the way his stare would just hold you away to moments of him asking you to take his headfone n listen to his track and when he puts the song on the way his head his mind still with the beat of the sound knowing exactly when the beat would change or drop and then tell you now listen to it from here to just live him charlie to just fall in love with someone’s face expression facial features just by their presence for the first time in life to just live that beauty of how beauuuuutiful it is to just live someone live their details the way their look smile to that change in expression to how their being just feels like to just live that one presence of him I say!!!!!

No wonder every detail of his this beauuutifully saved away I say!!!!!

Nites literally like these this sheer magic of sound n now the rains!!!!!

Sound the sound!!!!!

 Moments like these ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

This beauuuuuuuuutiful feel feeeeeeels of Him I say!!!!!

Lights off in your place over looking the nite sky had to hit on some lucky Ali track reaching out for water and galti se ayyaaaaaa suchaaaa beauuuutoful galti I saaay!

Hit this track instead close your eyes this feeeeeeel of him like you could almost live his hands move to the beat of the sound like you could almost see him live the sound just like he used to the waaay he just lands in that zone his face his body language his hands it’s like lilst of him to all of him the waaay he just transforms away to and with some sound that he really liked that one face his eyes closed or goes that bit adoooorably tiny his hands moving that slow to the beat his body posture eases out a lil more ayyaaaaaaa some tracks and as you are living him that one second open your eyes and it’s raining out……

A moment of living him just like that beauuuuutifully made!!!!!

Howleeeeee You gorgeous lil big beauuuutoful thing how only You were missed abhiiii k abhiiiiii in this very moment here!!!!!

Ayyaaaaaaa uskuuuuu tight geeeeeeeli chummmii feeeel hooojanaaa imagination mein that is abiiiii k abiiii with that feeel of ineee yaad Kari bolkeee!!!!!

Mind I tellll you a new delicious wine a beauuuuuutiful him of a track the waaaaay it’s making you feeeel now howleeeeeeee howwwww beauuuuuutiful you thing I say!!!!!

Lived someone!

 When you’ve literally lived someone!!!!!!

Every single lil detail of and bout them be it their physical attributes or those deep thoughts or memories they shared with you…

Everything he would do say or ask you to do it’s like stuck with you!!!!

To just that beauuuuuty of your life to just live him as he shared his passion and love for movies music and the night sky!!!!

Like he loved most loved that time of the day when he could just be with his thoughts n music on his own….watching the night sky to his music and love for movies and the craft of film making….

Should’ve seen his face charlie in those moments the way it would immmeeediately light up like one big super moon on his face instead beaming with joy and filed with dreams aiming high and that one word always at the end - someday karely someday and you’ll see you’ll be with me and see that day with me!!!!!

To a journey of having lived him watched him grow not everyday maybe not even yearly once but it’s like he is still with you it feels weird and empty now sometimes but smthings you just donnooo!!!

Today watching that movie living those moments and was like that sound of his words charlie from back then movies are nothing but life and experiences had…the director the writer some experience of theirs being shared on the screen to tell stories to share those experiences with people cause they lived it and it’s beautiful, to be able to share your experience and tell a story and make people connect with it the process the experience of film making and to connect with audiences through your story!

To just hear him say those things and with every wish the way it did become yours too that someday of his did become your wish too for that someday wish of his to come true…..to him breaking down over a niladri track playing in opera after moments over lap and just crying away saying he is so successful people are mad over him he is same age as me almost and I’m nothing and you just hold him and wish it comes sooner that wish of his to be fulfilled and you tell him try to do your best and just tell him he will soon cause niladri too must have been through a struggle to be where he is it happens with everybody and just tell him someday soon….and that smile right in between his adooooorable runny nose and tears that one smile that one slow adoooooooooooorable chuckle of his and just like that he was happy again holding you away it’s like moments back that mad passionate love of yours to seconds later that one worlds most adorable kid of yours crying over something with head over your lap!!!!!

Some movies some visuals allow you to live your own journey live your own moments most loved ones today that echo of his zillion conversations bout film making this is what he was talking bout…the way some movie made you live relive his journey from the start to this him decade later today Saat samundaar par a different time zone a different country and a different Him!

A love like that one…!

SomeMovies!

 Some movies and it’s like reflections of him of his sound singing humming away any track of the Beatle’s to you too the way he was that beauuuutofully transforming you away by the way he loved you…

Mornings when he would wake up and on some days call you first thing and ask you to sing a song for him in the middle of the day and mostly it used to be his beatles track!!!!

Being the worst singer possible to just sing away out n loud to him cause you never did before and yet the way he would just listen to you that happy chuckling away and sometimes just that beautifully quiet listening to you and then asking you never did this before right and you not sure what he was asking you bout and you ask him if it was singing to someone and then he adds not just that setting yourself free like this!!!!

He sure was that world for you to hide away in just be there and finally find yourself back again!!!!!

The only place and person that knew the real you that beautifully well and much more than you ever did yourself!!!!!

Some movies the sound the vibe the visuals that beautifully life like!

When you miss the most what you had!!!!

Pure Magic…!

Times!!

 Beatles stories his mind and love for the skies to some doc update and you somehow have to need to see it it’s like standard Him, anything he recommend gottttaaaaa see it give it a listen that kinda love for his mind too!

To these phrases now this one sarcastic habit your manager has reading out some nonsensical phrases that says don’t love too much which you very well know by now or that never chase men they never want you to if they had to they would’ve!

It’s these weird awkward moments that you mostly ignore cause it’s a world that you ignore 99 percent of your life also where that same 101 percent is living a life of your own in your mind strangely though which also has you lost sometimes…

Suddenly some date smthing and you realise that’s how long it’s been the wait the love all of it and any of it!!!!

To this strange sickness that you had Fever with for 2 weeks good much much better since the last two days it’s been weird getting the tests done all clear and you just didn’t know what was wrong it’s when you feel that ahh that felt familiar after a decade almost that same feel of missing!!!!

To today watching some random movie and this one visual where the guy couldn’t tell her that he loved her over cofffee and he just steps out and looks at her through the glass window of the coffee shop and has a conversation with her in just actions where none of them could make any sense what the other was talking bout and yet there was that beautiful vibe of a conversation and through that she realised he loved her……

Over a decade ago at the gym on the treadmill he just finishes his set and heads out stands down in the middle of the steeet and in actions talks to you asking you to come out come down or smthing random where he is laughing you are laughing cause you couldn’t make sense of a single thing he was talking bout yet he just stands there autos moving people walking past by you with people around working out beside and yet lost in a world of your own conversation of your own…

Where moments later he just stands there against his car still looking up still having those lilst nothings of a conversation!!!!

To when couldn’t take the mush of the movie any longer and look for something else to play and there it was Yesterday…

It was a trailer of a movie that you’d watched prolly 2-3 years back it was based on the beatles and you loved the trailer itself cause the lead had a scene with a missing front tooth just as his and some scene where she says bout how she had waited for him to love her back almost all her life or smthing it was……

Today when you finally see it’s available on Netflix now that one feeeeeeel I say the Him day made again!!!!!

Chasing shadows!

 On some days suddenly that one hit or slam of something out of nowhere that makes you feel like you are chasing his shadow like literally chasing him!

It’s a weird feeling on some days charloe when the missing really goes from bad to worse and suddenly that feel of having felt this way for almost a lifetime like literally missed him his presence for a lifetime now and so it just goes year after year !

And there is that sound that one visual out of nowhere or some dream in which he is literally screaming out and telling you I’m not a dream I’m here for real touch n feel me and see I’m for real not just a dream so much so it shakes you up the way he was screaming bout trying to put some sense into you bout his actual presence and not to take it as a dream shakes you up wake up and gone he was again!!

To this constant wait now earlier it was his music channel to find something of him to fill up the absence with smthing of him now it’s his stories and your managers fone that you wait for!!!!!

It’s like there’s that most of you constantly wishing she doesn’t leave it before you and the second she does that rush to just live anything bout him for a bit….

Him growing handsommmmmmmmmmmestest I say!!!!!

Him like the clouds sea and the birds around him….

There’s this patch of wild trees growing with weeds all over like lush green weeds near your apartment close to the construction site and in the evenings there are these white cranes that sort of fly over and across these weeds it’s like lush green patch of almost jungle like liefld and then are these white cranes over slow flight over these weeds….visuals like these somehow make you feel smthing it’s that beautiful slow pace moment of peace that it transforms your mind in an instance it’s exactly what and how anything bout him makes you feel…it sets your mind you on a different level altogether like suddenly smthing just moves and off you are from everything else!!!!!

It’s that complete beautifully zoned out Him state of mind!!!!!

That one face in the world!!!!!!

 Ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Kuch bhi hooo that one face in the world for you ayaaaaaaaaa that one fellow in the world for you has your poooora ka pooooora heart stuck on this face I say!!!!!!

That one face in the world for you!!!!!!!!!!

This feeeeeeeeeeel everytime to seee him to live him ayyyaaaaaaaa aisaaaa bukhaaaar mein bhi your poooora ka pooooora heart on him I say that one face in the world for you masooooooom chehraaaaa nai bhoool payeeeee!!!!!

Muskuraaaakeeee ayyaaaaaaaa dilkuuuuu churaaate hai!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeee You beauuuuuuuuutoful lil big thing I say how only you were missed abhiiiiiii k abhiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

His sound...

 It’s the second you listen to it with the show on that first sound goosebumps it’s that feeel charlie almost like touch but with a sound...

Like he was just there in that moment like a touch of his but with a sound in that very moment....like a dream moment that you are living but with your eyes wide open like you are all by yourself watching and just with that sound shut your eyes away and that feel of his touch like he just held your hand in that moment is what and how his music felt like!!!!

It was that beautiful madness I say!!!!!

Smthings nai are just beyond you like you have no reasoning control over what and how smthings can make you feel like and that moment right there was all n bout that!!!!

Straight from that moment being drawn and pulled out and dropping you back in time in his car with that moment of him sharing it with you...

Like he that beauuuuuutifully clear from that moment as you live him and that moment with this track playing instead !!!!!

It’s been such a long missing from that missing that very day with him to this one today years after in his absence!!!!!

Been one beautifully weird day I say today!!!!!

Where did you go wrong so wrong !!!!!

The sound...

 There is always that bit of magic of the sound in your everyday smtimes that random and smtimes most times that beautifully in sync to a dream or moment you’d just lived!!

There was this horrible pathetic realisation of seeing yourself same as what and how you’d felt for someone random and block them and then to see yourself same place in of all the people in his life!!!!

Like anybody else in the world you wouldn’t even care less but to see picture imagine feel yourself in the same place as those blocked ones today was the worst feeling!

Being slammed with a reality in worst way possible kinda feels today!!

Then much later in the evening when your manager refers some fashion link and you stay up watching  a series of Parisian fashion links and this one show has a bg score of his kaya project track in an instance all that noting down design stuff watching work or anything at all just that beautifully vanishes away in a second and all that stays is him all of Him with that sound playing in his car on your way dropping you back home after one of those post bup meets.....

Plays this track kaya project from London smthing and then you ask to play it over again cause you loved it and that one smileeeee of his signature smile of his when you love smthing of his and then says you liked ye wala then you must listen to this one instead and plays from Mumbai track and that feeeeeeeeeel the second you hear the very first note itself close your eyes away and that feeeeeeel of him it fills you up with all that pain all that missing in notes in sound is exactly what and how that track felt like... it was more bout missing that him that bad in his very presence and as you open your eyes mid track him still watching you with that change in smile this time like he wanted you to sense smthing else too and you look around and he was driving through the stadium wali Galli to drop you home and then plays the track over again and you just look back at him and the way he says I knew you love it like this......

U clearly remember not saying a word until then bout the track but like always just by your face he did sense what and how you felt bout that track of his just by your face not a word nothing at all!!!!!

Only after you tell him bout the track how strong and beautiful it was and he just goes on with the nods that one smileeeeee on him and the yaa yaas!!!!

Plays it over n over again almost all the way!!!!!

It was prolly the first time that you missed him his way with his music cause it had always been his way to link some track with you like that specific track made him feel like it’s you in a song and that day it was That sense of missing him that bad in his presence with that sound of his... that one song for you was all n more bout that!!!!!

Missing him in his presence when you couldn’t go close again when you missed his love for you missed all of and any of him in his presence as the song plays!!!!

It’s that beauty and magic of music with just a sound suddenly almost all your life or the moments that felt like Life n love start to unfold away, with just a Sound and how...

Today when like always everything around just blurred away in that moment all that stayed was Him that beautifully all him and his sound of music...!

Times!

 This thing bout some moments charlie like you live them and it suddenly opens you up to smthing that you’ve known for long now but who hota nai kisi aur pe waisa Khud kiye tho u realise achaa this is how it feels This is where you yourself stand for someone!

It’s ajeeb very ajeeb feeling.....

This thing bout posting smthing on Instagram and then making ur acc public with that one feel in corner of your heart that one strong feel that maybe he does see ur account or if he does it’s in a way sharing with him his own moments where smthing anything you felt him strongest in a moment and then to save that moment away in a pic...

And then turn it back to private cause of the random messages and this one account of some male model follows you and then a message and you block the account immediately! To today again some random account leaves a long kya kyaaa ki senti compliment kinda comment over your picture and block another one again!

Only after you were done with it and right in the middle of working on smthing that one sudden feel this is why people are blocked cause you want to draw the line and keep your life moment away from that specific person just so they stay or are made to stay away from you!!

Is why you block them to keep them away from you!!

It’s like suddenly all those self felt feeeels that you’d been living all this while suddenly made no sense at all!!!!!

Like ekdum se dhadaaaam bolke the reality hit you away again!!!!!

Some realisations nai charloe can almost eat you away in an instant!!!!

Like suddenly being hit with something that strong that it puts back the sense in you makes you come back to the reality!!!!!

Like suddenly nothing makes sense anymore and also suddenly it makes that much sense.....

It’s with that disgustment that bitter smthing to put someone away to draw the line just so that person doesn’t enter or know about your moments doesn’t interfere with your life you block them away and all this is while this is exactly what he must’ve felt bout your presence any kinda presence in his life and hence the block every time to put you away to just make sure you don’t see or live any moment of his!!!!!!

And yet here you were with all this rushes thinking it was cause of the other way around.....

Mein aisi lagti uskoo charlie that one realisation you standing in the same place as the people you block away was the worst one!!!!!

Delete him off on WhatsApp to just not adding up to what and how he already felt with your presence....

It was a strange feeling it just felt that weird to realise smthing you’ve always known but it’s when you do it yourself to somebody and then see yourself in the same place as the other is when it really truly hits you!!! Okay this is why bolkeee!!!!!

It’s these moments one corner to the other there was this realisation side to it and the other moment that beautiful!!!!

Some extremes I say!!!!!

Flashes!!!!

 Some feeels this strong and the way it can ekdum se change it all away for you!!!!!

Just that realisation been that long and this feeeeling now!!!!!

It’s like all those flashes suddenly of him standing right from the very start those gym standing moments to everytime he dropped you back home and that wait for you to turn and look at him and only after would leave to those times of him leaving for Bangalore or Bombay to just come see you just before leaving and that wait that same wait to just see you to live your presence for that bit the waaaaay he would just live your presence all of him to leaving for Bangalore standing close to the car with his almost entire family around you him looking at just you and that one nod still looking at you just before getting in the car that one nod that one smile and then gets in the car.....

With chichi everyone still wondering talking bout what he was trying to say if he left smthing it was just you n him that knew that felt the same in that moment!!!!!

All those times him standing not saying a word and yet saying it all away to just live his presence in those moments that THAT much love could possibly spoil away for life I say!!!!!

And that was exactly what all that love of his did to you!!!!!

Lil did you know nai!!!!!!!!

This state of mind suddenly now !!!!!!!!

Howleeee You beautiful lil big magical thing how only you are being missed I say!!!!!!!!!!

If you only knew!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words n visuals!

 This thing bout anything to do with him....

It’s the way it hits you away like even slightest of anything to do with him and the way it brings all of him away!!!!!

Just these beautiful words the other day on one of the pages much loved that goes smthing like it feels so good to see you just standing across in the room smthing like that and just those words charloe just reading them kept re reading that one post that many times cause it was bringing back that one visual that most loved visual of your life - the sight of him the presence of Him!!!!

Every single time in those meets at his other place the second he would open the door and go a few steps back and just watch you for a bit and to just live that visual live that wait of his and the way it did become your most loved moment too to just let him live you the way he wanted to tho everytime that very second you see him that need to rush and just hide away in him but that initial smthing every time with distance and the way he would love that like he could sense that in you just by you standing there and that he loved and to just see him finally see him standing there to just live his presence and the more you write this now and read as you write this THIS feeeeewlijg!!!!!!

Some moments nai when it’s been way too long since lived the way it almost feels like it was all a dream most beautiful dream of your life !!!!!!!

Even thinking of it now was it even for real!!!!!!

Smtimes it hits you this way too when you suddenly realise it’s been that THAT long!!!!!!!

A beautiful irony!

 It’s been last 2-3 days for a zillion reasons when the missing suddenly has gotten that much more worse than it already was and with that that constant search mode on waiting for that every chance to get your hands on ur managers fone and keep checking to just live him for a bit!!!!!

Like it’s that bad ki u ask her to stay back at your place with it raining heavy too but the reason you know why it was the way it was!!!!!

It’s also when you hate the block more now!!!!!!

Like kyaaaa Karleti thi!!!!! Why the block!!!!!!

Also when this state of mind you struggle with!!!!!

There’s this ocean of missing that you that strongly feel making you feel his love for you and then there’s this another ocean full of doubt and questions!!!!

And you just go with the first one let yourself float away with and to how it’s making you feel off late!!!!

To moments when places play his music now almost everywhere you go like it’s just there just that beautifully there....

From his Adnan track to his famous lost words one that bring two versions of you along and how!!!!!

It’s like every memory of his with a bg score of its own the sound plays and with it that version of his love for you unfolds with it and how!!!!

It’s like you are sitting there working and that first second of the sound falls Upon your ears and that very second gone you were!

Woooosh bolke that beautifully gone it’s like a touch and suddenly the world around goes blank visuals sound everything else goes blur all that stays is that sound of his music and the memory unfolding with it...it’s like he was there from that very moment just this one the way it makes you feel a lil shaky trembly for obvious reasons the memory with it it a ki you had to get off and get out and away get in the car and just be covering your face away in your hands.....it’s when you just Donno how to fight that feeeeling that almost awakens that side of you!

It’s when you love living it and also don’t wanna relive it at the same time!!!!!

Cause the after feels of such memories n moments is only when you feel the most helpless too!

Mind I tel you!!!!!

Love I tell you!!!!!!

HIM I tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becoming...

 They say you become the person you love eventually with time...

And this more the you grow in love with him the more it's becoming you....

The way you talk walk stand sit listen anything to almost everything feels like him...

And this is not smthing just you alone feel or see yourself as but people around noticed it and a zillion times pinpointed it out!

How you still donno but the waaaay some days make you feel this even more strongly and a day like this one speciqply being the day it was from the dream to smallest of moments and that feeeeeeling of becoming him!!!!!

Some days just like that ironically it's a heart full of Him that's just happy...!

Cause you felt him in a zillion ways in a zillion moments I say!!!!!

When gin high this beauuuutifully like always becomes the him high.....

Mind in this very moment I say!!!!!!!

How much more can you miss someone and for how much more longer!!!!!!

Him face with him high on a himday is what it's become now I saaaat!!!!!!!!!!

Moments!

 Visuals of a night sky like this one every single time...

Him...!