words!!!!!

 Some words the second you write and as you write and relive this feeeel a memory can leave you with!!!!!

That one quote somehow felt the same and more!!!!!

To the number of pillows surrounding you when him at your place on mahashivratri for you and asks you dheere in ishaara which pillow was yours and yow show him the corner one and that very second takes it and rests over it asking again you use two pillows how can someone and as he says that rests over it eyes closed that very next second pappppaaaaa merku bhi doo pillow honaa and even asks his suster to try it but takijg some other pillow from there and that one smileeee on him to just live something of yours.....

It's the way he loved charlie that made you love him more that made you learn bout love and loving more...

The next time at his place and he did get two pillows and that adooorably shows it over saying see just like yours !!!!!

Lilst of things bout you he was making his wanting to make his...and watching him do that watching him love you the way he was made you love him more made you understand what it's like to love and be loved...

Howleeeeeee likteee likteeee yaad karte kartee ekdum sudeen seee zoooorseeee yaaad aaaare miyaaaa!!!!!!

From a dream like the one today to suddenly being hit with that lonely vibe thanks to some really senti hindi song playing at the cafe to just findijg your Sunshine moment of his!!!!!

Know it's wrong know you shouldn't be and you try hard not to you struggle and do your best just so you don't but her fone was waaaay too long before you is all you could think of!!!!!

And eveytine you write it out you suddenly feel horrible like in your mind it still was your lil secret but once you write it out and read it as you write it just feels horrible....

But ab kyaaa karna samaj nahi ata sochee tho ok no more the waaaay he comes in the dreams it feeeels so right with less of rushes theoufh the day now as it slowly subsides its back to the dreams now it's like it's there to keep reassuring you he is yhere to reassure you of his love even with all the shitty side of the reality running sidetrack mein....

Sunshine!

 THE sunshine of your life literally that one face of his that one presence of his is like your ultimate Sunshine...

Leaves her fone off to the counter to place the order having a chat over which burger to order and you sitting there down with cold looking at the soup to her fone what almost fekt like one tennis match only....

Where to see and if to see him or not!!!!

And keep giving yourself another extra minute okay if am not supposed to watch she will be back early and if I must must watch she is going to take forever to order that one single burger!!!!

So blame it on the powers of the sky I say she took forever and you landed on your most loved place I say...

Him- with a Beatles track bg sunrise lil video moment!!!!!

Smthings nai charlie nai actually anythung to do with him and some shots he takes even though nothing bout you not even close anuwhere but it's that ahhhh feel to just live his mind his state of mind to live his moment!!!!!

Smthing else!!!!

It's just that beautiful comfort that it fills your heart with cause lile always eveytime sick the scary dream and this time he grows even taller bigger and much beautofullllller and holds you away literally and brings closer to his face that close like that THAAAAAAT close even writinf it now!!!!!!!

And he just asks you in that beauuuutiful high shy tone of his v0ice from back then are you asleep! And touches your face away with his finger tip cause that's how big his hands were but lile the other big people walking around him obvsky you weren't scared of and the way just being held by him that up you suddenly weren't scared anymore.....

And it perhaps was the next day when you read this beautiful quote on your followed page saying how you want to know the details about someone that nobody knows about like the dreams they dream the rituals they have before sleeping n soon as they are up and wish them morning a9on as they wake up and so on.....

It's exactly what you always missed bout him after the bup cause it jever happened again....

Like earlier he used to share his details but never after even if a bad dream the way he would call you early hours to9 wake you up literally just to tell you how bad of a dream it was and then hold on just so he could go back to sleep with that feel of you being close to him.....according to his adooooorable logic of love you being over the call with him even if just talkig anything random at all was like you beside him as he sleeps...and that used to make him feel safe!!!!

Smthings when you recall and write and this vwey feeeeeeeeel it fills you right now with!!!!!!!

TIMES!!!!!!!!!!

shazaaam!

 What could possibly be worse than missing out on seeinghim for real, missing out on his music!!

The only thing after him!!!!!!!

When you toootallllly felt like what he used to that adooorably call you dumb blonde, adorable just plain cause he used to call you!!!!!

Ayyyaaaa howli absolutely I say!!!!!

Today of all the times when you realize the actual purpose of shazam app where you can find the song playing just by hitting shazaam Kate!!!!!

That one jazz rain track of his ayyyaaaaaaa if only you knew bout this app that one track of his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's that weird ajeeeeeeeeb feeeelin in the tummy that you get after it hits you this late why coudlnt you find this earlier!!!!!!

To that moment of your sneak checks trying your best not to but the second she leaves her fone right infront of your face lietrally the first ting that lietrally screams through you - HIM!!!!!!!

to just see him for a bit bhi to just live a moment of him of his day to just live a moment him whilst he is living one...

Smthings nai you just can't help explain define ezoress how or what it makes you feel like what it fills you up with you just can't.....cause the waaay certain things can fill ypu up with is beyond logics and words I say!

moments!!!!!!

 How much of you did become him away!!!!!!

Listening to his music and the way your toe moving with sound brings back that visual of his toe...

Living this moment now this sudden ting now with every movemnet of your toe it will bring his toe along!!!!!

Th is beauuuuty of some visuals I say!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaa this mind a lil more of Him!!!!!!

The only two things in life that make you feel smthing make you feel alive suddenly alive Him n music...

The rest is all what comes with life!!

A package that you just live but ther are those very fewest of things in life that can make you feel ahhh Life ahhhh Love ahhh to Live and for you it's always been Him n music...

Very lil to ask from life I say did turn out the biggest of ones!!!;

The toe at it again ayyyaaaaa how adooorable of a toe too can it get how  I say how u say charlie!!!!!

Ajeeb!

 Gets feels ajeeb when you sneak over like that!!!!

The way even with that need to see him there’s that thing at the back of your mind in that very moment isn’t this why he did block you in the first place!!!!!

Just so you don’t see his moments or anything that he shared and wanted to keep it off you and yet there is the you in that moment!!!!!

It just feels the worst way ajeeb possible but That one strong feel in those moments it’s that one gut feeling of being drawn to a moment like that visual of living him in rains and it raining drizzling rather here too as you were listening to his niladri then to find the white shoe guy walking to living him just that need to see him in that moment!!!!!

It’s beautiful it’s madness it also feels wrong smtimes but Kya Karu samaj ni ata charlie tab!!!!

Just that helpless feeling just that one rush of missing brush of missing rather today and off you go with that feel of being drawn and just let yourself go with it.....

Even writing it now still feels wrong and maybe you need to stop doing it but also that alag talk in the inside nai karti tho would’ve missed that beauuuuty of a moment...

Love can definitely be helpless too!!

Another lil smthing you learn the more you love...!

Places!!

 Almost every nite in this corner to just be with his music on the bean bag and that same vibe of the visual today over his story.....

Maybe it just made you happy cause you missed living him in person or the way some places just connect some visuals just connect that beautifully!!

Maybe of the smallest of secs but the way even that Lilst second can make you feel can last you through a day or days or weeks I say!!!!!

This mind I tell you to just live his lil toe move that afooooorably with the music his mind I tell you!!!!!!

As beautiful as Him!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeee You were missed I say!!!!!!!and howwww!!!!!!!

Even as you write now this search for that one track how how did his music meant away so much to you!!!!

From that Himesh wali you to this you!!!!!

This mind is feeeling beautifully weirder today when suddenly from all that chaos that you were tackling the waaay it just woooshed your mind away to everything him...

And the rest of the day with meetings and still searching for that one track and this other track you love and finally get a playlist named as should’ve been here just so someday....

Smthings you wanna write and then keep hitting the delete too at the same time and just leave it at that!!

Mind today I tell !!!!!!!

After years that one lil toe moment of living him!!!!!!!

The sound!!

 His music!!!!!!

When you google the mother away to just find that sound with the caption he had on the story like try to give a listen to pretty much every jazz rain song that you could possibly look for and that one wish why didn’t he minion the track name along it’s that vibeeeeee of his music charloe ayyaaaaa the waaaay it just does smithing to you magic like calm you away shake you away smtimes it just makes you feel smithing live an experience with just a sound any sound he chooses just does smthing to you!

And specially with that visual moment of rain the waaaay it that smooothly blends away that slow visual of raindrops over the window and that sound of his music ayyyaaaaaa LIFE n LOVE in one visual is exactly what it felt like....

To that mood of his just by that adddoooorabke toe movement I say!!!!!

Some visuals and that beauty of a video like always adding life to a moment with the movement...

Maybe also cause it’s been almost lifetime seen him in person move walk talk watch anything and today to feel that moment live that moment just felt smthing waaay more than words could ever express....

Smthings some moments when you live after that long and that sudden realisation how that lil of a moment too is what you missed that much...missed him that much!!

To live Him and the cherry ka jhaad almost on top was with his music!!!!!

Things when you realise that’s how bad you miss him his music that even the toe of his made you that happy to just live it with the visual of rains n his music!!!!

The calm...

 Definitely one of the most hectic days in the recent times!!!!

When the master suddenly falls sick and is hospitalised and you just didn’t know how to get the work done and before dispatch time and the limitations that come with it!!!!

To when the master mentions bout wrong medication and the reaction and you rush to see with your manager shift to a better hospital gets diagnosed with some infection then to get the tests sorted and rush back to the studio then to tackle with all that had to be managed was much worse than the understated word chaos I say!!

Carpenter work client meet dispatch time schedule juggling with all of it and in the middle of some discussion and the manager had to attend the electrician and that sound of rains out head out and that one visual of seeing somebody walk in white tee cream chaddis and white shoes you already were listening to niladri it’s that need to find the calm amidst handling chaos charlie and whenever some situation like this strikes that you can’t handle niladri plays and today in that moment it was too perfect that one beautiful pull of the moment that beautiful rush of him and that same second your managers fone goes ting with some message and she asks you to check it it must be some number she wanted to give you or smithing it was and the first thing to see him get on Instagram that one beloved circle there hit it and ayyyaaaaaaaaa you realise you alwaaaays loved his foot too and today with sock on it was looooove at second sight I say!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the way he moves to and with the sound of music!!!!!!

His hands you’ve alwaaays loved and with music playing it’s magic in motion today his foot his toe moving to and with the sound ayyaaaaaaaa toeee ku pakaddd keeee khaaalene ka mann kiyaa charlie I swear!!!!!

Ayaaaa that one slow saxophone or smithing jazz instrument it was and the waaaay his toe goes ting ting to and with the sound and then when the sound starts to stretch the tings stop just the sight of his feet in sock to the wooooosh memory flash how to just see him wear his socks on back then was smithing you loved that much!!!!!

Struggling to lift the leg and then put the sock on and that one adooooootable sound of his hummmi after the sock is on!!!!

Visuals and the waaaay they are this beauuutifully tied to a memory... you see it live it and voila the memory unfolds!

Almost magic...!

Moments!!!!!

 Him - your only STORM and your only calm...

And HOW!!!!!!

But first this other Him corner of your late nites with his music must be captured moments like these when you just donnoooo what to say or what to feel!

Smthings I tell you!!!!!!!

Words, connect!

 It just suddenly feels this better after writing it out and also when you feel this rush of missing now!!!!

Some sounds and words can do this to you!

Make you feel things make you relive things and sort of answer away answer it all away that goes unsaid or that remains a question!!

Some questions are complicated and the answers are simple - this one quote line on one your most followed pages sort of said it all away!!!!

When most of the things to do with him and your reality sounds seems complicated and the very same him most of it gets all answered away in and with your dreams and moments !!

Things that make you question days that make you question moments and dreams answer them away and HOW!!!!!

He always felt the place where you belonged where you just had to stay no matter what...ever since that very first stare with him where it made you stay He made you stay almost held you away it’s always been that way a way you’ve never felt like before...

The way He was is always where you belonged...

Even now as you write and relive those moments the way it’s always been tat way that one pull that one feeling of being drawn to him like that’s where you had to be... even with his absence the way the dreams pulls you closer to him again making you feel is where you belonged!

Mind this beautifully high on him now shutting your eyes on between to relive that beauty of him no wonder his love for nites and music with it!

Howleeeeeee You beautiful lil big thing how only you were missed!!!!!!!!

Smthings I tell you smthings only!!!!!!

Moments!

 There are things then are the things !

That voice inside you when you do smithing and that one ring ting that goes all loud.....

Every single time you see the managers fone now that one urgency and then that feel isn’t this smithing that he didn’t want you to is why there is the block!

And you kee your hand off the fone!

And then there are these moments some sound like yesterday working on a lehenga design with some client and your manager with some friend walking over starts talking to you instead discussing bout the lift design that he would love to work on with you and then gets all chatty bout your shirt colour on you and that one sound at the back that they charge the track with and that one pull to just hear any track of his in that very moment cause it made you feel smithing and it was a Nicholas track of his!

Get off n away stand out looking at the roads cars passing by people passing by and suddenly all that stayed was the sound n Him rushing through you like suddenly you couldn’t visually almost see anything the way it just makes you shut your eyes away live that vibe of him that rushes through you that strongly makes you move a lil it just is that beautiful charlie it’s beyond words or logic the waaaaaaaay it makes you feel in that moment like suddenly he is there with you just beside you in that very moment!!!!!

Finally after a few mins when you get back in the client had left already and it was just the manager and you and how again she had to cover it up for you and that one question from her is he even scared to lose you! Cause if not all this doesn’t make sense!

That one question those many questions whenever somebody tries to flirt or be extra friendly and you have her talking commenting smthings bout it and then mentioning how she actually in a way had this crush on you specially seein you that way suddenly off n away or that sudden smile even with just music on or her asking how people run out for a smoke suddenly you just run out for smithing looking for smithing and it actually is like that , looking for him...

Also why Tamasha the movie is one of your most loved ones and definitely most underrated piece of art!

The male character most beautiful but also when the female character less mentioned credited for and now you relate to even more also knowing why you loved it!

There was that you that left with Him...

That real actual you and that you you get to live smtimes in moments like these when out of nowhere some sound or just that one shake that one rush off late that makes you live him and with it you live yourself a lil!

Where smtimes that him in you comes out with some sounds the way he used to call you my favourite person and the wayyy he would pronounce perrrson in that very peculiar way in that moment and just a day before with some random conversation when the manager says you are my favourite and you end up replying back mazaak mei you are my least favourite perrrrson his way and just after saying it his way exactly the way he would say it the way it makes you smile in that very moment cause in that moment you heard him say it after years that one beautiful echo!

To the times when you see couples smtimes running together at kbr stuff in traffic and you just live that Mormont that day with Him when he takes you there and makes you race with him and then slows down letting you win and that one stare of happiness in his smile just looking at you as you run with him.....

To this random moment today at dinner out with Mum n manager first time finally and that one sound that one techno chill track plays and them talking you close your eyes live that sound and that same feeeeling you should’ve been here to listen to this that one rush of him!!!!!!

Get off that need to just be away and while leaving ask for her fone saying you had to make some call or smithing see him and there was this change of dp you could see him barely but that beautifully shot the sky the light around him and that mind of yours get off and that one skoda same blue as his just passses by swiftly towards parking and that strange love of yours to see 2727 on cars walk a lil knowing strangely for sure that was numbered the same find it parked right there and it sure was a 2727!

Some things charlie you don’t need a reason to be happy bout cause those are the very things that could possibly make you happy in the most inexplicable of ways could be the lilat random thing but to you in that moment means the world...

Stay a lil there and then finally head back in and that first question done with your smoke comes from her!

It almost is like that now that moment to just be away and be Him high on!!

Be it those visuals from the dreams no wonder mornings fields all around and right behind that lil twig of wildflower to see live a glimpse of him turning towards you with that smileeeee asking you in ishaara just like he used to back then what’s up!

And you like always living that veauuuuuuty of him!!!!!

It’s bout these moments charlie out of nowhere when you feel him then go looking for him and then find him and that feeeeel it leaves you with.....maybe also why these visuals are that way from the dreams look for him everywhere and then have him beside you just like these random moments with that pull with that music of his that sort of pulls you off n away almost holding your hand and taking you to him...

Him, spaces!

 What do you do when you miss someone too much what do you do when you’ve missed someone what feels like a lifetime now , you simply fill everything up around you that feels like them...

Ur studio is where you spend most of your time now and with redoing it up for walkins you sure knew had to fill up with these corners spaces colours of him all around you...

From the His yellow carpet to the bottle green that he loved on you as curtains to getting lil custom styling bits done of decor this cement table top cause of the cement truck first chummi memory that also that beautifully resembled your terrace your him corner of that apartment having loved loved that side of him him in lil chaddis his adooooootable messy sleepy hair n face holding chappals in hand and just standing there looking his beauuuuuutoful sleepy best just cause he missed you suddenly annnnndddddddd it happens again when auto correct goes from missed to misses you this exaaaactly this not sure if heads going more mad I say!!!!!

Soooo yah to the mirror wall cause of your most loved mirror moments with him from that very first one that made you refind him in your life again that very first mirror stare and there you were all held away by him from the very first time itself lil did you jnowwwwwwwww nai back then!!!!!!!

To this ultimate love of white cause again you in your white shirt him in his white tee to those many moments conversations about how he loved white on you and you thooo alwaaaaaays all hearts every time single time he would wear white to the walls being painted white again pots white lil lil details about him in every corner almost the way day after day detail after detail it’s more Him all around you now!!!!

To this very recent most special plate like thing a rarest green jade stone rough antique that you find and ask it to be redone as a table decor thing cause it had these lil details of mount opera rocky patches of opera to those wild lush green trees and lil lil big plants all around to those cracks on the road with the glass pieces all scattered around it had these lines patterns road like patterns on the plate that all resembled had that vibe of the road that same highways he used to take you on it’s like one plate full of memories literally.....

There’s detail all round you you just gotta look for them find them make sense of them live them to understand them....finding that piece and then to just feel that beauty of a time gone of your most lived loved memory of your life Him!!!!!

Ahhhhhh HIM!!!!!!!

and just like that when you forget Rakhi too for the first time cause you don’t remember any other date now!!!!!!

Smthings!!!!

 There has been this shift of smithing lately that you couldn’t make sense of those sudden rushes like suddenly there are shakes of missing that you feel out of nowhere that was strongly that strongly making you feel like for once he was missing you more than you those in the afternoon those early morning rushes that literally shakes you up from the sleep and you are all up wondering what it was bout like there’s always been no hold on you when it comes to anything him but recently it’s definitely felt very very different and you couldn’t make any sense of it!

Works been hectic planning designing managing staff and zillion other things and then there were these rushes that sort of would hold you away from everything else and you that lost still wondering what’s happening!!

Some call to be made to the carpenter and your fone batt almost dead ask for your managers to fone call and then that need to first see him wondering hoping he is okay and check his gram and that one most loved circle first to hit to see him and there were images of some iconic fancy cars the location read some talin it was a foreign location that first feeeeel ayaaaaa ineeee itttaaaaaaaaa dooor Gaya....that mixed feel of pride could be his movie and also that feeel that doooor not that him in Hyderabad was any closer to you but smthings nai they have their own logic and trust me Charlie most of the things to do with him in life in your head have their own logic!

That will hopefully make some sense some day...

Soooo yaaaah from that feeeel to again when she leaves her fone on the table again and that same need to see again and this time that one line The Dream does it for you!

Smthings nai smthings only prolly was the same day when you felt lived that dream on your skin with that same colour of his love..... from the dream to that living proof of reality on your hand!

There were pics charlie of the clouds and camera the way living those details of his somehow madly obnoxiously made you felt a lil less lunatic for having these feels living these moments of his This strong like you weren’t the only one...

Where if you do add logic to it which one shouldn’t matters of love but if you do made no sense like why the lock if there’s still love but there is love and the way again it felt like he loves you more than you...

Ass crazy madness lunatic as it sounds the way all these changes recently only made more sense that sudden bout of fever that same thing like back then him in Bangalore Bombay you down with fever with that initial hit of distance suddenly.....

That same feel after years you felt this time not sure if it was hectic work schedule or to think of it now it was Him...

Maybe when you feel smthings this strong in you in your gut and heart you are definitely not the only one feeling it, distance never really mattered after all...

The way he is just there charlie it just feels all this feels this beautifully different and to write it all out now to just be able to say it out is why smtines you love writing it out cause it’s your only way to hear yourself out as nobody nobody would make sense of all this what’s this why is it the way it is!

Sound of music...

Ahhhhh nite like this mind this beauuuuuutkfullu him high like this and then finding a sound like this and every single fucking damn time the second you hear a sound you really like from the first beat itself the way it makes you goo you should’ve been here to listen to this!

Be it at the restaurant today out of nowhere that one beauuutiful chill techno track plays and right in the middle of nowhere that one feeeeel you get off and head out to just be...

This thing bout music ever since that first listen to his music ever since then the way music has always been bout Him...

With his absence now it’s been that waaaay of finding him feeling him feeling his presence the way any sound that makes you feel that vibe of his close your eyes flashes of him his smile that smile his eyes his voice his nose his pouty lips his hands veins on the hands his hair on the hands his skin his look his frown that signature nose twitch express of his his daaaaaaadi like that heart of yours on his face is where his daaadi lies!!!!

It’s like everything to anything him starts to play through you with the sound of music the way it makes you that beautifully high in your own lil him world off n away from the world and slipping away into that lil world of yours living all him with that one sound of music!

It’s meant means the world to you cause it’s you way of living his presence with the sound as the song plays your way of shutting away from the so called reality and livin it up in your actual reality!

It’s like one wooosh of a sound holds your hand and takes you off n away to all him just Him and how!!!!!!!!

Nothing else but Magic...

 Not sure what why or how but moments like these that you wake up especially after a dream like that one and the after search looking for him like that one and all that stays is this...

His colour of love or just absolute sheeer level of madness I say!

But every single time a bruise like this a mark like this and that feeeel of being marked I say!!

To just have him look at you filled with pride and then say now you are marked by me for me...

Echoes of some moments coming back with visuals like these!!

This strange thing off late too early in the mornings and this feeel it leaves you with!!

There’s that line of beautiful dilemma too to post or not to post but some moments this magical even in the absence can’t help but to!

Not sure what caused this and there’s that also know after the dream but feels too real smthings I tell you are just beyoooond you and the norms of reality...

Magic in the mornings with the mornings!

That one rushhhhhh

 Work has been the most hectic with too many things at once and then there are these moments off kal out of nowhere that one shift of amending amrbinf something boletho amending Kate 

It’s that sudden smithing that u can strongly feeeel it’s like shaking u up making you feel it like u Catt ignore that feeel and just take it to be a normal or random smithing cause it’s that beauuuuuutkfully him in that very moment 

It’s like making u feeel him his love in that very omen that not sure what how why what’s it but it just is

Also when suddenly now this tingggg bolkeeee when you now feeel he loves you kisses you ayaaaaaaaa misses bolethooo kisses you kateeee for the love of autocorrect miyaaaAa ayaaaaaa for first time in life when you love autocorrect ayaaaaaa smithing I tell you seeewww this only you

Aaaaj kal kyaaaa kyaaAaaa kaisaaaa kaisaaaaa FEEEL go Jasraj

GO Jasraj kateee feeel horaaa boletho

Alsooo when it rings u tings u man! Why the block fir 

Khaaaa jaaaati bolkeee Dar maybe 

What nonsense but kabiii that beauuuutkfulkky missing him high that one slow ring that tings you away if he misses you why would he still have the block on

But ekbaaaat nakkkiii ayaaaaaa he stilll loves uuuuuu

Smithing nai u just feeeew it kaisaa NAImalooom bas horaaa aaaj kal

Just Issa different

 It justttt is difficult difficul Kate auto correct I say!

Say he says right I say

Difficult thooo hai but different bhiii lagraaa

It just is not feeeelinh normal wala missing cos u can just feeeewwwwwel it in you in your bones heart n mind I say

It just feeela different sapne me in different different boot boot beauuuutkfylkkky different horaA ekdum seee so is it in the day tooo

His music people wearing his shirt around his chaddisss around kid walks upto u at the coffee place u love now and sits beside you chatting away ask the name Chetan auaaaaaaaaa

Uskuuuu Pakad keeee first thing hold him awayyyy as his mom looks on and turns out to be your managers friend tell her that u had both doses of vaccination and hold Chetan away one more time

The way that Chetan still stays beside as u were working on designs ayAaaaaa. But that feeeewwwwling I say!!!!!!

It’s nai not normal Charlie see it just feeela very different cos suddenly it’s giving u that happy vibe on the inside that same love of his vibe that you can feel breathing rushing through you it’s that strong feeeewwl screaming through you he loves you he misses you like you can just feeel it that strongly beauuuuutkfully feeel it you can’t hide Away fight it away nothin upto uuuuu

AyaaAaa this is getting that weirdly beautifffyl I say

This missing

 Allll these years it’s been about you missing him ayaaaaaa and howwwwww whowwwwww

Last 2 weeks seee uktaaa horaaa charloe it’s now feeling like he misses you like missing missing me in feeeel horaa ab ab it’s more like he is missing you the way aaaj kal it feels this difference this missing this beautofuuuuyyly different it’s like he is missing you in your missing how missinglu confusing it’s getting Mai eggggactly same feeeel merkuuu bhi horaaa aaj kal

Kaam ki kirkiriir ektaraf and ayaaaaaaaa him ibsayyyy the wayyyyy that one rush of him holds you Waaaaay squishesss crushesssaaa you awaaaay and takes you along whoopooah bolkeeeee

Like in one second you are offff n awaaaaay to everything him places you go there’s his music playing places you are just stepping out and coldplay song ka last line playing with you with you to another decor atore you walk in coldplay yellow his yellow playing awaaaaaaayaaaaaa the waaaaay he just used to sing I sayyyyy looking at the fat you and singing away all yellowww

Him in yellowwwww ayaaaaaaaaaaa his skin n bonesssss ooooohhhh I swam acorsss wrote a song for youuuuu causeweee he was all yellowwwww oooooh ur skinnnnnnn n bones look at the starssss look how they shineeee fooooo youuuuu everything you doooo doooo dooooo they wer allll yelllooooowwwwwww

All the things he didddd dooooo doooooo called yellowwwwww

Ahhhhh whataaaaaa thing to have done was allll yelll ooooowwwwww

Ooooh skiiiin n bones turn intooooooo smethunggg beuuuutofllll dooo you knoooo I loooooove u sooooo doooo doooooo u knowwwwwww I loveeeee u soooooo

one big full day of HIM

 Clap your hands if you're happy you clap with your hands eyes ass legs every organ of your body possible cause you are justttttttt happpppaaaaaaayy!

One full big day of him just him I say!!!!!!

Yeeeeee kyaaaaa hoooo jaaataaaa ki aaj kalll aaaj thoo daruyy bantaaaa he thaaaa bossss!

Ayaaaaaaaa maaaagic u say!!!!!!

Donnooooo what this all this is happening off kal bas hoooo jaaaraaa merkuuuu saaaath me lekeeee dooobuk dooobuk bolkeeee dubaaaa le jaaraaaaa hoooo Howleeeeeee tummmmm bigggg beauuuutiful lil thing kaisaaaaa kaisaaaa waisaaaaa aisaaaaaa yaaaa maaare aaaj!

If onlyyyy YOU knewww ayaaaaaa adooooora le lil mushyyyyydeliciousyummmmthing I say Pakad keeee khaaaa jaaanaaa uskuuu bas!

Sefieee dunkfieeee hihimmmfy bantaaa he bantaaaa 

Sense of belonging!

 When you just cant get over the way what and how you felt connected with the dream this morning...

It wasn't like charlie you missed smthing and you dreamt it but it was more like ok this is what you were missing bout me and here I am making you live what you missed verbally too......it was just that beautifully connected!

Smthings when they make more sense when you live a continuity of a moment or a feeling...there's always been that sense of belonging to Him...

No matter what it's always been that way with his blocks the distance the way that one sense of belonging to him never really changed moved even a bit....

But it's been different recently past one month it just feels strongly more real donno why how it just feels different and more real like it's not just your mind but that feel of being his with these sudden strong rushes past one month se connecting with dreams only after that feeling feels more real.....

Ye sab kya hora nai maloom charlie dheere dheere poori pagal tho nai hori kabhi dar bhi lagta!

Aise kaise you can feel smthing this strong even with the very obvious behavior of the blocks to keep you away and yet feel him and his love for you it's only getting added on nai one more time after the othwr!

This only mind I say!

Was weird as it is it's only getting weirder but that one beauty of being this weird to live him I say!!!!!!!

The sound...

 Exactly why you miss his music the most!

It's that feeel charlie in moments to find him when you are hit with that strong smthing of him that need to feel him anything pehle before block it was to see him there otherwise his music and with no music of his now it's that search constant to find some sound that makes you feel him....that need to fill that misseeinf with anything him...

Like even at work that exhausted and in the middle of nowhere there's that sudden smthing of him that you feel is like that sudden rush of breeze hits your face leaves you that beauuutifully calm and yet with that rush of him everything him and you suddenly b come all Him...and the way it stays with you !

It's that thing charlieeven when you wake up at night from sleep to sip water or smthing he is there on your mind even then like not a single s cond that goes without it but to feel these sudden smthings is anything else..... especially after this mornings dream....

Like you are trying to fix smthing understand smthing and the way on that very moment echo of his voice somehow related to that very thin g and you find a solution fataak se....

Looking for huge antique plant potters and can't find the ones you want to design the space lift area with looked everywhere possible and right in the middle of discussion that eco of his voice when you want to learn smthing you can on YouTube why don't you watch videos and learn smthing do smthing creative standing in your balcony making you do smthing with your life when you talk bout how you wanted to learn animation and couldn't and the way he guides you bout the same asking you to learn it online talking bout his love for anything creative it's like one smthing and the waaaay it brings back almost same shared conversation and moments bacl to you!

Immediately get on YouTube and find a zillion ways you could do your own big antique pots and that feeeeling of thanking him in your mind ii n that very moment.....

There are these howle akele wale conversations that you now have with him in your mind in moments like these cause that's how real you feel him with you in those moments!!!!!

Kabhi lagta charlie deewani bolke bolke une actually turned into one...like losing sense of what's real and what's not!

Not sure if all this is normal to feel or there's actually smthing going wrong with your mind or its actually meant to make you re realise his still love for you mannnn some words I say could write one complete para repeatedly with those very lines ...ayaaaaaa the sound and visual of love I say!

Echo of his voice...

 It's like after this morning the dream the way you felt him lived him and yet can't write a thing bout it cause of the obvious reasons it's that stronger feel of smthing still connects you to him smthing from him that makes you feel this way it's like what you feel and then being drawn to what and how you felt with his presence... It's as confusing to write out as much and mm ore as it makes you feel.....

Last nite it was that sudden strong feeeel of him as you were watching a pathetic movie like with every scene that one inside self commentary mode akele akele kaise kaise log kya kya movie bana dete and call it trending Hollywood movie Kate.....it's like still having to watch it till the end just like he used to had this saying no matter how bad it is I just can't make myself to get off the movie in between its respecting movies that way respecting the maker and just cant get off a movie beech mein...

And ekdum out of nowhere that strong same feeeeeel of him space out blank and just that rushhhhh of him and you get off head to this other recent spot in your room overlooking the towers beside up at the night sky bean bag placed up his music and just be you weren't even drunk and yet that beauuutifully just high on everything to anything him......

Just living him feeling him vibin away to the way those few hours made you feel it's different charlie it's madness it's beautiful it's confusing it's complicated it's beyond your own mind why how what makes you feel that way but that feeeeeeeling when it hits you off and away just that beautifully off n away....you feel him that strong ii n that moment ki he is almost there like right there in that moment in that silence with you making you feel his love for you....just by being there even in that absence...

It's like you were living that moment of looking up at the night sky with him sitting beside you......missing him that bad missing hearing those words hearing his voice missing him certain ways certain things to just the way that one look and all n more and he is exactly the same with you looking his beautiful best in a olive green shirt and white chaddis and is when in the dream too you tell him how olive green is totally his Color just like yellow navy blue white are......and that same sound of his smile same look with that one smile to the exact words that you missed to feeling living him same way...it was like feeling the same feel twice once when youo missed it second when you dream it!

Last one week as chaotic as it's been hectic as it's been through the process there's been him how not sure but it's been just that bit stronger that bit more beautifully unusual.....

It's not just his dreams anymore it's like he is there in those moments where you know even as you write this you feel see yourself having lost it completely but sometimes you just have to get your mind out there to see how it feels on the inside..... this is exactly how it feels Donno why what how but it just keeps getting stronger not sure with all that planning changes more work or it actually is happening just is what it is like it was back then to make you realise make you feel his love for you even with all that's happened happening with the distance too...to just make you feel he still loves you!

Smthings nai even in your head it felt thaaaaaaaat beauuuuuuutiful to just feel that he still loves you and now as you write and re read it as you write ayaaaa to just keep writing just so you could keep re reading it over again he still loves you whoo hota nai school mein I won't do this again having to write it 10 times thing and today as you write this love for to write it ovwr n over again just cause of the waaaaaay its making you feel!

Some dreams nai and the waaaaaay they can leave you with with a proof on your hand with the Color of his love mark kinda thing that you see this morning...like it wasn't just his smell that you wake up with but with that solid proof!

Absolute sheer level of beautiful madness I say...

Changes!

 With the studio expansion interiors painting furnishing styling n stuff of all the people of all the names the painter turns out to be Mr. razaakh and that one feeeeeeeling of all those initial mad conversations with him from those starting days when he used to call himself razaakh and tell you how razaakh feels for you like everything that he wanted to tell you bout he felt for you he would indirectly say the same being razaakh some names that special and you instead call the painter guy Khan like you tell him you had an issue with pronounciation and call the painter Khan as and when you had to correct smthing during the painting process....

To those sudden moments of amidst work and fabric sourcing when the store for all those 2 hours just plays every Lucky Ali song possible.....and no matter what fabric they are placing before you all you could see feeel think live was Him.....it was like he was there with you in that very moment there charlie it was that beauuutifully ajeeb like he was there to make you feel that way make you feel all those cause every song that beautifully lined one after the other starts off with o sanam to bekarar to his aa bhi ja it was like he was right there in that very moment with you... You sitting there that beautifully blank with your manager asking you bout the combination and you just couldn't get your head or soul to just look feel think anything but Him...

Just get away and get back in the car play his music and just be for a bit....

Like you just had to be away on your own cause in that moment it wasn't just his Lucky Ali songs but that one feeeeeeeling of him charlie like he was right there almost holding your hand making you feel his presence feel his love for you it's absolute madness even as you write now but after the dream today this morning all of those moments lived only feel more real like there's smthing that connects you with him making you realise feel his love for you despite of the circumstances like there's smthing that's making you still feel his love for you just like back then when he used to try and make you realise his love make you realise its love after all it's the same vibe doesn't make sense and yet this feeeeeeeling that you can't fight....

How's this even possible when you miss him miss smthing bout him miss hearing smthing from him and he comes the very same exact way like you live him exactly that way this morning.....

How's this even possible!!!!!!

Something bout it!

 All these years charlie it’s always been bout that sound out of nowhere that some visual some any sound his dreams and off late very recently it’s been that strong gut feeling like smithing that strong just moves you away that sudden strong shift in you that you feel no matter where you are what you are doing smithing in you just shifts with that strong feeling of him it’s nothing yet everything in that moment...

It's that sudden string smthing that you feel and just that sudden strong misseeinf that just rushes through you ki you just miss him that bad...like no sound no visual nothing that just connected and yet the waaaay it just strongly connects strikes that chord in you with that rushhhhh of him rushing through you!!!!!

Like today for instance at a coffee shop discussing bout lighting qnd manequins placements and stuff and just that strong feeel and you just space out like there's no sound out of your managers mouth like just her lips moving people walking in n out and you just that beautifully numb to everything outside all that was there was that rush of him that you could feeel in you just him n you in that moment....it's like with eyes wide open it's just that feeeeeel of him that feel of being drawn towards him all of you still there and yet all of you that beautifully drifting away...

Things when you know and yet the way these moments feel off late including the one last nite and this morning when you feel live his presence exact same way what you missed his presence with last nite things like these are beyond normality it's beyond logics or reality.....even when you know and yet the way his presence still connects with you in moments like these making you feel otherwise exactly the opposite of what you thing he thinks and feels for you....it's that feeling in those moments charlie like he does still love you!

As mad ass crazy as this sounds it just feels this!

Places

 His guitar place...

Places that string your heart away even after a decade!

Echo of a moment!