sucha fool!

 When you suddenly feel like suchaa fool reading your own dreasm here the moments lived where the ziliom times you fekt he ztill loved you wanted you in his life....all these thungs you'd felt all these years presence or absence the way you feel like sucha fool now!!!!!

Exactly why love is the strangest of feelings what it can do to your mind the things it can make you feel make you dream like all that were fragments of your own mind your own imagination all the thungs you'd felt all this while we're just things that were filing uo for his presence.....

And not some real magic like thung happening cause now you lost all that faith in magic love and the things alike....

The only thing there is is the reality.....it was all your mind all this while all these years all those dreams just you and your mind....

Times wjen you wish you hadn't written out these dreams and momenrs!!!!!!

It's that feeling charlie like you've woken up from a long dream state and it all feels just that ajeeb now......

a new dawn!

 A new dawn this time not looking back again again one of th8se zillion attempts to change yourself.....

To get a hold on yourself on your life!

Cause you were that close to smthing you'd never felt before!

That hope this you the way you feel now the way you've been feeling ever sinxe, you don't deel this way ever again!

This sense of not having your own worth in someone's life is the worst possible feeling ever you jsur donno could never firgure out all these years what did you do how did you harm that bad .......

What did you do so wrong!!!!!!!

words!

 Words and the way on some days they can haunt you!

Weeks back when she said some day you'll find yourself standing all by yourself when the world around has moved on, that's when it'll hurt the most.....

Thing you knew is one thing but when the thing actually happens when you live that thing it's a different thing altogether!

How someone that one someone's presence no matter how lil it maybe can make all that of a difference and then when that image of your reality in your mind is broken all over again it changes everything away.....almost everything including all that you'd believed all this while....

The way this time felt different this very different!!!!!!

Strangely cause may e this time you didn't expect it not even a bit.....cause also thus time was the longest he hadn't blocked you back so you think it'll stay he'll stay.....just like you did back then!!!!

It did really break you change you like it never did before....

Love is a very strange thing charlie, once you live that feeling it just stays with you and then it does things to your mind that you sort of start living it that way thinkng it will always remain the same.....you'll always feel the same but that again is something you either get lucky with or it just doesn't happen...

Kabhi lagta would it better not knowing him at all atleast it wouldn't have been this difficult!!!!!!

Or maybe if you actually were like everybody else not love so much or just change when it's gone just like that! 

If only you were different! Lile everyvody else!

and gone!!!!!!

 The end charlie 

And this time I'm goneeeeeeeooo!!!!!!

There is norbibffcc else in the world no one else in the worldllll that cud causeee this much painnn to u.....like notubgf ellzeee no onee elzee!!!!!

Just the waaaaayyyyy it's feeelinge this time!!!!!!!

Mainn aisaaeee kyaaa karei chalieeea!!!!!

Bas!!!!!

H9 gyaaa!!!!

to just!!!!!

 For the first time in all these years never felt it till this level when you see something again and this time that sudden urge to get off and get away from it all to just leave it all and go away or to not want to see live another day......

Smthings u can never get used to and thus time the block again has done more damage than it did ever before !!!!!!

It just hit you the hardest this time!!!!!

Bas chale jaana......

born with it

 Kabi lagtaaa maloom actually it is true!!!!

Lucky in love yiu just gitaa be born with it....bas waisich ho jaana rehna tabich hota.....

Nai tho this happens!!!!!

Lile need to be sooooooo lucky that it stays and not jsyt for a time but stays ...

Like so99o lucky!!!!!!!

Utaaaaa luckyyy honaaa Ayyyaaaaa thus mind nowwww his details lilst one with evry blink of an eye now......thatvone window paaar him!!!!!!!

Howwww nowwww!!!!!!

Kitttaaaaaaaaa lucky honaaa nai!!!!!!

How naturak it truly is!!!!

 Ab dimaag betting a lil more high on hum I say.....and this is when you can inky thunk of all hindi aings possible to sing out to him....every bad good dirty hindi song possible is whe. You know mind is now that baaaad high on him akso when the jealousy get awakened I say!!!!!

Been inlne for long and that feeel suuuu majaaani kismat I say whoever that also includes the security be oasses by or that dog or cat he pets away cause when the mind feeeks thus high in misseeeinf him it doesn't see gender breed or position I say.....al it knows all it feeeels is thus misseeeing!!!!!!

That one pic of tankbund he oisted today and those beauuuutiful moments there too.....him jnow8nf you like nobody ever did or will that love f9r trees and you just bend iver a lil and the waaaaaay he wood slow down there move the car closer to the trees just so you could loo under the trees and feel that light thriufb the tree.....the waaaaay he just loved watching you live that moment just be there no words norhubg and just wtahx you live your most loved thing!!!!!!

Everytime full date even after years now you go there and that need to slow down and relive him from that moment cause that was also the day when looking to your side did become your most loved thing as you in that kinent lokking up and then to your side see him living you that beauuuutifully with that one smile ayyyaaaaaaaa that one smile of his bas pakad keeee khaaaaaa jaaanaaaa uskuuuuuu¡!!!!!!! Yummmm bolkeeeee no asking mei khay ya nai bas khaaaa jaaanaaa pakad keeee......

Ayyyaaaaaaaa howleeeeee tum ekdum seeeeee zoooor seeeeee yaaad areeee miyaaaaa!!!!!!!

Him!!!!!

 Ever since that evening there is this beauuuutiful flashback mode that the mind is on.....it's that beauuuutifully weird cause otherwise too there are moments through the day where younjust zone out and just be reliving him even at work....

And there is this other thing charlie the waaaay the mind just wants to relive all him right from the very start til that meet.....to just be reliving those lilst of details too even as simple as him waiting for you to turn around and look at him just before he heads home like that wait was always there and the waaaaaay it used to make him smile that very sec charlie ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa that one smile was your life poora ka pooooora life of yours right there in his smile the waaaaaay he just used to smile away that beauuuutifully the sec he looks at you turn and see him.....

To just those sleep whispers of his like you are working on the shoot prepping up for the final designs to be included and suddenly zone out and that need to just be.....

Day before when the model shows up for fitings and you manager and the model were talking bout some final jacket fittings and then some bond movie how it looked that familiar and suddenly that follow request on insta nnd message gues who it is and laughs over it sitting on the couch across the studio and that feeeeeeeeeeling charlie!!!!!!!!

That very similar familiar beauuuutifully familiar feeel!!!!

Where according to the model he has never had a lesb frjend before cause that's what you are now and there's that no need to even clarify that cause it doesn't matter.....it's when you know who matters who doesn't is when effort or the need to ignore counts in...

And to you it's not even friendship it's just an acquaintance cause of your manager the guy doing a favor trying his luck in movies too and hence the portfolio kinda thing and you now a lesb so it's all cool and that simple.....

People you know now are not even people you really know cause you barely know....it's mostly work and once home it's like just you.....and your this time of the day!!!!!

There is no sense of conection or the need to connect.....

That moment when you live that familiar vibe of the moment him all you could see get off and away to the terrace....

Just be yhere and the waaaaay all you could see was just hum charkie from that very moment the way he sends you that text askinf gues who muhahahahaha and as you lok up that one adooooooooooorable face of his and the even more adorable sound of his chuckle!!!!!!

He jus fekt smthing more than just someone random right from that very first miwnnt that you sensed his presence wakkig through the door and towards you looking down at the tiles and walking in his signature style.....

That need to just be there not move even the slightest bit and just live him....without even seeing his face cause all that while he was loking down and inly as he gets close and waits for you to move does he lok up right in the eye is when yi realize you were that close and you move and that one almost smile of his and contjnues to walk along to the changing room and you still looking at him and he turns around reachingthere that sure that you still would be looikg at him.....

It's hust what you feeel fekt in the inside it's different charlie it's beauuuutiful very different.....

That day to live that moment ti live that hun from that similar moment it's that feeeeel charlie of the first memories of his ti relive how you've always felt that smthing for him rught from the start even when you didn't know it was love....

Liek it's always been there and the more you write now this feeeeeeeling!!!!!!!

Some places I tell you the waaaay they bring it all back just like that!!!!!!!

Places!!!!

 Ever since that one street when in location scouting thsbone street opp to the IKEA place empty road still under construction and you'd been seeing that on n off and finally that day decide to check it out soon as you are there thatvone straight uphill road the way it loked exactly almost like the one at opera there was one street uphill first left of that was your corner his corner of opera with broken glasses shattered all around and the wAay they used to shine under the moonlight and he would always slow down in that turn to just live that visual and then hold you closer it somehow used to look like that beauutiful rwfkectiin of the nite sky over those glass pieces and that used to make them shine.....

This street uphill with rocky corners around trees and small trees too the waaay it almost had that beautiful vibe of away from everything else door door tak no insaan around some places and that evening or late noon tbe sunset there the sky the opera vive of that place and his music and you just get off and sit over the side oath of the road and just be.....

Itwas like rwvisitinf opera after a decade the way it looked that beauuuutifully familiar !!!!!!

That very moment to coming back home TJAT much him rushung through you!!!!!

Smthings you just have no control over the waaaay some 0oaces make feel like you just cannot help it!!!!!!

Moments!!!

 This beauty of some moments be it the ones lived before or the random most ones it's just the waaaaaaaay they can make you feel.....

This thing has always been there charlie right from the very start those lilst of moemnts with him and the waaaaay they made you feel it was that beauuuutifully familiar be it living his beauuuutiful details and the waaaay they used to make you feel....even as friends that need to just be looking in his eyes to see his hands when he wpild show you the blisters cause of the weights or that shoe of his or that sudden muscle pump to show how toned his armed look that day after the set in those moments it was his face charlie pure LOVE!!!!!!!

to just seee him to just be and live him in those moments that sound of his chuckle that frown of his that adooooorable one expression of his when he would ekdum see notice you living his detauos instead of listening to him.....

Right from that very start there was no face nobody else you wold rather live the waaaay he was making you feel things live yhimgs you'd never before.....

It was all that new and yet that beauuuutifully familiar.....

HIM!!!!!!!!!

In your place few sips of gin down today a lil strknger for the first time his music playing and just mins back when he is there that beauuuutifully just there and the more you stay living him that need to just hold him away to just touch him or to just see him look him in the eye closest possible way where you could see his lashes his eye brows his adooooorable momo nose his cheeks his pouty chummi his beauuuutiful sky like forehead to jsur live every lil detail that need the more it grows the more he stays and you just get off cause you xoild feeeel that rush that misseeeing grow heaps and boundaries!!!!!!!

Some moments and the waaaays they can make you feel!!!!!!

Also some moments that familiar making you re realize how it couldn't be anybody else how it's always been just Him evry lil thjng that you feel felt ever feel - Him!!!!!!

The Mind!!!!

In your fav corner his music playing loud absolute no wind toniye and yet this mind I tell uou the waaaay it feels here.....this beautiful calm like in yhis corner is when you really are home...finally home!

How crazy is this one lil organ your mind I tell you the waaaay it just knows being a mind not heart and yet just knows where it feels the most free where it feels the most belonged to...

All day today that one wait that one longest wait throughout the day to live that moment of closeness to live Him.....and doesn't happen not even a single second is when you realize how much of it it truly means to you writing it out may still feel now reading as writing it that it's that smallest of moment that random moment of finding him online but how that one moment over time did become that much to you.....

Lile it fills up that one lilst of smthing from that massive ocean of misseeeing him that you live through now....like that one drop of smthing that it just filled up for.....

Again mind I tell you the things it can feeel can get high on to just fill up that one lilst smthing pour that one lilst drop of missing away fill that one massive ocean of misseeing him with that just one drop....in that moment as you live him.....as and when you get live Him...

The worst part maloom charlie is reading your own mind out writing this now.....how and THAT much it makes you feel when did it even become this beautiful smthing that you fill up his absence with....

Stranger are the ways of a misseeing high mind I tell you!!!!!

This you 2

 From where to where only it went.....

Sooo yaaah like always!!!!!!!!

Aaj soche thoo ye laga ittaaa badal gaye lilst things and its not the same you anymore.....

This need to just be soon as you are home like it's not the movie or anything else but on days like this one today to just be in your factest corner the Him corner.....

Today the wAaay all those memories rushed theoufb in that instant charlie all those lilst of momemrs him standing and messaging you and then looking at your face how things like these can make you feel even after years to live this moment in a not even close to similar moment to just see Him instead in that moment like you couldn't see the guy instead it was Him in that moment across the terrace of his cousin place across the car across the window pane all and just Him....is when you again re realize this beauuuuuutiful feeling of how much of Him you did become....

Not even knowing it not becoming it intentionally but just the way it is now....

Today in this miment that track playing the way he was just touching you away not doing anything nothing at all just to touch your hand your arm your face as the song plays just living your details away to think of it now with every touch of his you did become a lil more Him....the way it just stayed with you the way that day stayed with you and HOW!!!!!

where initially he tells you has a meet at 4 and just around that time knowing it was his way of asking you to leave with no meet you get off anyway cause you didn't want to upset him or maybe was bout nit staying longer where he didn't want you....and you get off arihnd same time and the waaaaay he just holds you away and pulls you back and just that nod of his where you ask him again he had work or meet, doesn't say a word nothing at all just that one stare looking you in the eye and that one nod again......this time it was him telling you he didn't want you to leave and also that there was no work he hqd to attend to......it's just these moments charlie etched you in forever......

Like lilst of moment from that day was to like relive that same love of his for you for the first time all over again after bup.....

It's the way he lives you when that close it's like he is trying to save up th8se visuals maybe knowing how long of a gap he is going to give after like in hus mind it's him saving you up and you doing the same not knowing when you'll see him next....

But kabhi soche thoo lagtaa back then too tjat looooove to just live him charlie.....it's what and how it used to make you feel inside not the hmm kinds only it's different it's that beauuuutifully different right from the very start the first time itself to just live him it just always felt that beauuuutifully different.....like it's nothing you ever felt before or after Him...

Kuch aur he ban jaati jabi that very instant the sec you live him live his presence.....smtbung else and the more you write now this feeeeeeeling I tell you!!!!!

How nai just that one face in the world for you like no other like nothing else!!!!!

That much ki it makes you like nithjng else you'd ever been before!!!!!

This you!

 Abhi aise he kabhi soche tho lagta charlie kittiiii badal gayi mein......

All these years abhi ekdum se soche tho laga.... it's not the growing up old bit it's the overall general you lilst things bout you.....don't talk that much now don't really want to talk actually it's more bout work or its just you and your me time....that's movies chillin with and to his music and just being....

Like you love being this way now...fridnds you realised weren't even friends in the first place then it's wirk and today when the manager laughs over it at what you sent cause the guy was her frjend who wasn't really a model but into work and was there as a favor and then felt embarrassed over the thing.....you weren't you still aren't not even a bit...cause in that moment you couldn't say a yes or be rude either and that veunf the only way out seemed right so there's no more of it again....

But ab soche thoo galat bhi nai haima charlie.....nai hota dil not even random wale causal wale type it's not just you you can still talk iver work random conversation bout movies n stuff but when it did come to that coffee gong out for a bit again you just couldn't ignore it or be rude....cause it happened the second time around and this rime you just had to make it clear....and the after of it was all good!

 Come bqxk home with a happy heart with that logo in your place now and that need to live that feeeeeel of that one afternoon at his place.....this one track that beauuuutiful has almost all the feeeeels of that day wrapped away in every beat with every beat that beauuuuty of Him....

Charlie the wAaaaaaaay waaaaaaaaaaaaays anything to everything bout him makes you feel this feeeeeeeling it fills you up with is smthjnf else.....

Kyaaa kaiseeee whyyyyy merku kabi samaj nai aya.....

Even writing it now thus one post today on insta of some illustration that has a girl looking at the guy from up-close and the guy asks what happened and the girl says you are beautiful your eyes are beautiful....

That lil story same from your moment with him in that meet not sure what to call it now last meet or recent meet........that meet at his other place here and you just stop in the middle of some moment hold his face away and just that need to live him in that very moment to just feeeeel that love for you jn his eyes in that moment to just live that beauuuuty of his lilst details in that moment and you just tell him You are beautiful....ayyyaaaaaaaaaa and the waaaaaaaay he that beauuuuuutifully shies away charlie!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaa howleeeeee You beauuuuuuuuuutiful lil big adooooorable thing how only you wre missed ekdum seeeeee abiiii k abiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!

To know...

 Female wear you can skip away the shoot as it's easier to shoot but men's wear you require the outfits to be worn by someone and this is where this guy a friend of the photographer as well as the manager walks in....cause he also is well associated with the stylists n some actor you have no clue bout!

On n off meet with your manager for fittings and trials and today in the noon for fittings out of nowhere still amidst the talks bout the final jacket design and the guy drops in a message standing infront of you asking you for a coffee....that very moment charlie all those moments of you n him stanfing right across the gym and texting you standing right across the street textng you standing across the car getting it fixed at the garage and you sitting in the car and him texting you it was that beauuuutoful rush that most beauuuuuuutiful rush of all those moments his beauuuuuuuuuutiful adooorabke face soon as you look up at him and how happy that moment made you used to make him smileee AYYAAAAAAAAAAAA the waaaaay it used to make him smile......

U just reply back with neither are you into coffee or men.....

There have been these conversations with the guy like random ones and the manager jokes bout how truly Libra he is and that first very question you had to ask when was his birthday.....it's this thing charlie bout bios when your manager talks bout this client needs it urgent or smthing shares the details and this habit of people on insta to mention tne birthday too and you check if it's October 21 the birthday it has to be immediate even writing bout it now sounds madness bur like birtjdays in October and specially that date you made sure the order was delivered on time....

Sooo yah just that loooove to hear that sound of his birthday.....even in the random of things just that loooove for his birthdate too....and the guy mentions bout some other date you don't remember now but just tlivehat sudden level of khushi charlie to just know to just hear birtjday in October cause you alone know what that month means to you !!!!!!!!

The absolute world !!!!!!!!!!!

Sooo yah on n off conversation work related and today just drops in a message asking out for coffee it could've been casual bit the second you see him smile away at you it had to be made clear the after expression of it was priceless!!!!!

Cause you very well know by now what he thinks of you now!!!!

But whoo nai not interested somehow people don't vet and then it gets complicated to even work plus finding another guy model you donno how to.....

That very moment that need to just see him and moemnts like those I tell you can never make any sense.....that very sec there he ws online for a bit but to you again in that moment that feeeeeeeling was beyond words or logic.....

Head out and away immediately asking the driver to just drive around the galli that need to just be on your own with his music!!!!!

Moments like these everytime is when you relive that feeeeling how it couldn't be anybody else!!!!!!

That feeeeeling andar see charlie nai hua bas......it's just that numb by now like that one blank feeeling almost like what you messaged not into guys!!!!!

Even writing it out now and recalling that moment hassi nikalri when you did tell Him the same in some chat when asked bout how do you feel bout other guys and you tell him it's almost like impotent and the waaaaaaaay he cracks up that adooooooiiiirably and then comes a long repeat word of chiiiiii how could you say that and askjnf you to stop saying that but that was is exactly what and how you feel......bout other guys!

And when it comes to Him anything to everything even slightest of Him in any way, it's anotjee story another you altogethee!!!!!!!!!

It's not this you at all, not even the slightest.....and the way that you happens happened just with Him...anythunf to everything to do with Him!!!!!!

Just the waaaaay it used to transform you away and HOW!!!!!!!!!!

some sounds!!!!

 Some sounds and just like that one of your most fav loved afternoons of your life.....

At his Versova place....

A day like this one today when you see it all coming together piece by piece lil by lil shaping up not so sure if dream but just smthing that makes you just bout happy...

Ur work and today last few days working on the next men's wear shoot finalizing designs working on finalizing the logo just didn't know which one to finalize on just the thing that you wanted was of wildflower related like that was the theme of the upcoming designs too and the illustrator shared a few designs and thus one flower you ask him to change with highlights of wave pattern c pattern forming at the tips and immediately shows you an example available of a 3d model and bas that was it.....

Again this one thing of adding smthjnf anything bout him to your work....and this being the brand logo design which will be on the packaging too had to be special most special....and the final version of it couldn't have been more happier....

It's that outlines of the gulmohar with wave c forming on the tips of the petals smthings charlie when you visually live that feeling of how far you've come that one feeling rushing inside of you is smthing else....

Today to see the final version of the logo in making was that to you...

Him!!!!!

 Him - THE most beauuuuuuutiful and only weakeness of your life I say!!!!!!!!!

That one.moment!!!!!

 Of all the moments there is that one moment in your mind in that string of memories that sort of ties it all together.....

Music n a nite like this one it's the waaaaaay your mind you come alive in this corner........this beauuuty the way that one lilst memory of his after all these years !!!!!!

Smell of rains wind in the air and Him rushing all through you!!!!!!!

This one corner has your heart now cause it has that corner vibe of the terrace for reasons unknown!!!!!

The Him corner of the house...!

visuals 4

 Today a late evening at work almost nite as you had to get the work done on a few designs.....

Once the final outline of your dream work was done to just see that to just relive him from that dream that you have had that many times the waaay it just made you feel in that moment....

Don't say a thing get off n away to the terrace and just be.....

Everytime you delete him cause of some moment or dream that made you feel you need to leave him alone and then live that visual of no him the way it takes you back to the last year where he had you blocked for the longest time ever.....it takes you back to that feeeeling how bad you missed seeing him lviing him in random moments through the day how you just missed his presence in that way too....

Today as you just ve there makes you realize it never was bout how or what he thinks of you or your worth cause that you know now very well.....

It's always been bout what and how you still feel miss him.....how that's your only way of living him that which you missed that bad all that while throfh the block.....

It's bout not taking things for granted especially when you know how it feels or felt when you couldn't live him in moments or just through your day in lilst ways....

Add him back and that feeeel every single time always like you jsut corrected smthing.....did smthing right!

And there goes another shooting star.....nites like these!!!!!!!!!!!

Visuals3

 To this visual of this video he had posted on whatsapp yesterday....

There is this beauuty charlie of videos more than pictures cause in a way it's in life like it's more alive than pictures cause it's hapoening in that very moment...it's that feel of ptesent moment living moment vibe of a video.....

That one moment as the zardozi guy discussing smthing about the design and instead you actually reach out to your fone on the table to just live him in that moment it was that strong very very strong feeeeel that strong rush of him ekdum see and you just had to live him and that very same sec some story update and you see it was him.....

Looked like his back door side of the house video with that same almond tree of his that you loved from his other shadow pic....

It looked different the house but that one tree what looked like the back door side but it's that rush of memories that ekdum see flow theoufh you when you see smthing that connects to the most loved time of your life.....

Most beauuuutiful memories right ther at his place too....to that almond tree whuxg you always loved sun throufj the leaves of the trees makes the tree from beneath look all golden and when the season changes the leaves turn in this beautiful shade of almost burgundy which makes the tree look even beautiful.....but the rays of the sun theoufj those branches is magic beyond words.....but to you all of this one side and that moment sound of the koel at the back and that one n only thought on mind how that one visual to record that video must have made his nose twitch to look at the sun.....

Like he was right there making that one most looooooooved face of his in that very moment that one expression that one face that one nose twitch that has your pooooooora ka pooooora heart on it.....

It's that feeeeeeeling charlie where you loved that vibe of living that moment through the video to just knowwwwww that one face one expression he mustve had on while taking that video......

A moment lived and a moment missed that baaaaaad both in one.....

Visuals 2

 Some moments just like that nite when hiy fjnally realised it was love....shooting stars toniye in this moment two shooting stars and that need to live him in that very moment....

Ayyaaaaaaa this sheeeer magical beauty of the nites.....the waaaaay it just brings all Him this beauuuuuutifully!!!!!!!

That echo of his sleeepy voice his sounds as he falls on the bed to those sleep whispers of his just before he fully used to fall asleep.....and that sudden waking up cause you hung up on him cause he wanted to feeel that feeel of you being with him close to him as he sleeps even just by the presence of your sound....

Smthings you recall!!!!!!!

TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooo yaaaaaah back to zardozi the guy insists that's how a design needs to be without any empty patches but in your head that frame that visual from the dream is what and how you wanted it to be....

The final design turns out that beautiful even with that lil empty patch in the corner....smthings nai you see and the waaay they can make you feel that sense of hummaa like to live that visual live that feel vibe of the dream in smthing you work with....

It's that sense of him that you want it your work now cause you miss sharing thus side of your life with him and this you alone know how baaadly you miss this.....

Nothing you were and happiest yet you were today you want to share thus side of your life with that one that loved you wanted you to make smthing out of you adored yoy for no reason at all !!!!!

And you can't.....hence this is your way again adding smthing anythung at all that feels like him....colors design some element that belongs to the most loved time of your life belongs to the most loved you !!!!!!!

Visuals....

 At work working on the design of your dreams literally there is this one dream apart from the tree dream of his where you finght beside in some field of wild flowers all around and right in between there is that patch empty where he lays right there beside you closest.....

It's like you turn and there he is with all these wild flowers around the way he just looks at you through them and that one smileeeee charlieee ayyyaaaaaaa that one first initial smile of his soon as he sees you knowing how baaad you'd missed him and how baaad beauuuutifully bad you were living him living his every lilst detail in that moment of finding him....

It's just that calm beautiful feeel of that moment nothing said there's no touching just that vibe of the moment like you just found him in the middle of nowhere and him knowing how happy it truly made you like what that moment meant to you like you can see it in him knowing you that we'll....

And with these works this need to add some element of Him in the designs....like kaise bhi smthing lilst of him in some corner of the design....

And this one design with wild flowers crawling over to that one lil empty patch on the top....

Like the zardozi guy actually insists over n over again through the designing process asking for yiy to give a go on filling up the design as that's how it needs to be without any empty oat

Last nite...

 This new found vodka trial yesterday with orange juive and ayyyaaaaaa the waaaay the mind went highhhhhhh I tell you!!!!!

Gin was Midler vodka did turn out prettttyyyyy strong !!!!!

But the feeeeeels ayaaaaaaa THAT much him!!!!!!

Nites charlie the beautiful calm in the air no one around no one that would come ask you smthing there's stillness that time where you can finally just be be on your own nothing to tackle or attend to done with the work n everything and finally where you can just be.....

Also your time to feel him more like that one thung is constant through the day too but it's this time of the day where you don't have to think twice if some memory of his ekdum se puts a smile or blush on your face.....if that echo of his voice from then sudeenly gives you that goosebump if you just wanna be smiling away reliving his face from some momnte where you can just let yourself feeeeeeeeeeel him awaaaay without having to look around think or anything else!!!!!!

Last nite too mind more than half upset at your own mad self for having done smthing you shouldn't have to message him ......and you just be and the way he is there almost all through the nite there online....

It's when the mind initially high on him lands on self worth.....

Some moments nai charlie do that to you....

Was definitely your mistake to message and all the more foolish to expect a reply bhi.....

Bas pata nai kya hua last nite that feel to see him online for that long and that feeeeel in the heart one reply why did you even ask hope wish for it when you just knew.....

It's almoat now like maybe he didn't know you at all like it all feels like one dream you dreamt and still holding onto it living dreaming with it...

Was entirely your fault it's that feeling of who you are and what you are doing and you just delete him away.....that feeeling of why were you even there hits you!!!!!!

To that random finding of a sound that sounds like sitar and there you were listening every Niladri kumar track of his possible....

That beauuuuty of sounds n visuals like his video yesterday in the noon....

Some sounds visuals sort of hold you hold your hand away and move you give you feeel of the shift like you just moved got off and drifted to some moment or time....

Like it just holds you away that beauuuutifully!!!!!

And you just go with it live that experience that time with the sound...!

To just transform...

 How immensely beautoful it is for a thought how does one this beauuuutifully become the one you love......

Bit by bit and all at once before you even know it!!!!

To just become someone you love!!!!!! 

Been years now and with every lil thing or realisation how you this beautifully did become Him...back then the same you feared the nites for the obvious reason from childhood, with him anything to everything bout you did change and this beauuuuuutifully like it just did smthing that beautiful to you , his love for you did transform you away this beauutifully.....not juat the likes every lil thing to habits to food now loving churroltos burger wehre you were a neat snadwich lover now a messy burger lover like him to this love for the sounds around just as he used to love finding sound music in the mundane....to this looove for music to this love for nites now....

This place this corner now of your house is LOVE cause you feel him the mostest when here every nite....earlier it used to be some movie for an hour just before sleep or some series now it's this hour this love for this hour to just be here with his music wind in your hair this gorgeous smell of the mogras and his fav white birds every now n then.....

Him rushing all through you this beauuuuuutifully!!!!!!

Some corners do become your own....like that one corner like no other.....

Sooo much to write sooo many feels since last note and the day today moments of Him.....

It wasn't just bout meeting someone and falling in love it's not bout chance encounters in life it's that one link charlie in life you connect with link with like that missing puzzle of you that you find that fills you up that transforms you completes you like no other......

It's what you feel on the inside it's how you feel it's not random it's not by chance running into someone it's more bout refinding them finding that piece of you finding that one missing puzzle of your life that completes you makes you better makes you feel like bas this is it...

mistakes!

 Something's u just shouldn't have had done!!!!!!

moments!!

 Some moments some sounds do that to you....and thus with you happens most of the time not sure if it's normal or its just you and his misseing but it's like something just moved shifted it just moved you like you know holding your hand and being drawn to a moment whilst living some other random actual moment...

Like your mind you drift away from the present and your mind moves along to what just made you feel how smthing that inetnse made you feel.....like it was all happening before and around you like you couldn't ignore it look away just the waaay it made you feel.....

Smthings you know you shouldn't be but aaj pata nai charlie kya hua not just on the outside visual thing but andar see it just felt different like you could feel it that strong donno what it was bout!!

It still doesn't make any sense knowing just knowing what's next!!

The waaaay these mornings start now especially on Youdays!

It's like you sure know the day before itself tomo the morning is going to be different that beauuuutifully different like there's that dessert kinda thing that you hope for after the meal Youdays is that to you....you live him every nite then wake upto him almost every other day but the waking up on Youdays is not the usual....like this one day this one morning like no other cause the waaaaaaaaays he comes on a Youday morning is that different.....like it leaves you with that strong undeniable feeel of that you met him for sure it just is different to any otue day...

This mind now this weird feeling everytime you go on whatsapp now to live him....

Kabi lagtaa maloom charlie mein normal kyu nai bani yaaa aisaaa kaisaaa ho gayi!!!!!!

Howliii pooiri ki poori!!!!!!!

Again some moments nai hotaaa to just take them random!

First time!!

 First time for the first time charlie in all these years today was the first time you weren't scared not even a bit like after bup today being first day to message him you just weren't scared.....

At your friends place for some shaadi function and sit your own corner away from people very few but that precaution thing you stay in one corner also to just be on yur own this being a formality thung cause after this you won't be attending any others.....

Music sound of his music where they being all telgu actually play his lucky Ali's song plus the whole vibe of mirrors around the setting of the place you wearing his white....it was that whole vibe today a bus passing by of some college with no students but that memory of being with him on some drive and this college bus passes by the girls one after the other look out the window your usual way of sitting close to him over his arm and shoulder and you try to move as they were looking at you.....he slows down the car that beauuuutifully to keep the pace up with the bus and holds you closer when you try to move away from him as they were watching....look up at him and that thaaaaat one smileeeeee charlie of his and nods away asking you not to move and just holds you closer and the way the girls start waving and you wave back !!!!!

Today as you sit tyere the college bus the mirrors around the music the whole vibe of that moment to the dream specially this mornjng it in a way strangely felt like he was calling out to you....

It was definitely your mind blame it on the moment the most beautiful insync moment day but in that moment you just had to message him donno why what you just needed to....the after was knowing he will block you if you did but pata nai charlie kya hua in that moment...

The waaaaay you just that intensely felt in that moment was different the bus moving slow you looking at thise big mirros around each one holding that one memory of his other some moment of his fkashes of him all arohnf you to that sound of his music.....take your fone send him a hi and just be...

Keep checkinf back scared to check back knowing he will block back....but aaj pata nai charlie first time dar nai laga kaise nai maloom bas nai laga!

Just felt so right in that moment!!

That one face!!!!

 Just that one face in the world for you!!!!

It's like kahi bhi ho that one constant search to find him Kahi tho like no other face you would turn around and look again or want to look ayyyaaaa in those moments charlie to search him and then finally get on WhatsApp and just be living that feel filling up space filling up that sudden missing....

Aankhe bandh hori bhi aur ayaaaaaaaa ineeeee ittaaaa yaad Aara..... as if holi wasn't enough that place of his dream of his this morning just the waaaaaay he comes charlie ayaaa ineeeee sapne mei Jaise jaise ayaaa ab whoo reality mei hota tho baat ki thaa nai......

Mind just this high like THIS high on him!!!!!!

This feeel after a very long time ayaaa feeling those moments of fooking his psy beedi you miss too ...... the waaay he would prepare you first to have the puff first puff howleeeeeeeeeeeeeee tum bhot yaaaad aaaare miyaaaaaa!!!!!!!

Memories on calendar!

 Calendar dates places lilst of things bout him and the waaay they just leave you this way...

Just a touch of anything him!

Holi him asking you for a fresh towel you choose his his over sized powder blue t shirt his noisy gym wale chaddis that you still remember how they used to sound like everytime he passed by you in the gym where initially in his room wearing his chaddis you remember walking around as it was just you in his room him making sure to tell you to lock it from both the sides of room...and you just walk around reliving that memory of hearing that sound of him walking around in the gym....

It' was a beautiful new feeling to just be in his room his kapde his shower his towel.....to that place of his that evening it's like some dates on the calendar it just starts and the waaay it continued added a bit more him actually a lot more him at his place....

Lil lil things charlie bout him with him and a lil more closer a lil more him you became....

To live him there to live those moments with him there to just live that love of his looking at you in the mirror and then looking away cause he just couldn't look at you u keep asking in ishaara if he wanted you to get off or smthing and just nods away saying a no..

Only on your way back after much silence and his akele akele smiles the way he tells that moment that hour was when he did realise that feeling of how smthing as simple as touching your hair was that important and special to him that he couldn't watch stand somebody else do that.....be that close to you even be it for a haircut.....the waaay he was just talking bout the whole situation it's that feeeeeeling charlie like you knew how much he loved you but in that moment it was bout knowing realising how much he loved your details too like the lilst thing bout you the way he goes on bout it your hands your hair your finger tips your toes every lil detail bout you....

Ek ek karke the usual random moments in life was being that beautifully touched and loved by him....uske Baad koi random moment random he nai raha charlie!!!!!!

The waaaay they are just this beautifully laced with all Him...

Visuals...

 His places and the memories they still hold the way they still make you live THAT much him!!!!!!

After all these years too!

Can't get your mind to do anything at all the way it feels this difficult to get your mind off him to do anything else....it's this beauuuuutifully all high him that same off the feet wali feeling that his psy beedi used to give.....almost that same high that it just doesn't wanna land back in the reality!

Just days back still at work and that same restlessness where you just couldn't work keep living him on n off and everytime you see him online write away the missing the love and delete it away too....that's when the line between the then and the now keeps striking back....but to you in that moment to live that moment of closeness with him was all for you that mattered....

Cause iin your weird crazy mind that moment is when he feels the closest like he is just there one window peeche right there as n when you find him online it's all the more crazily surreal is when you are in the middle of work or nowhere at some store crossing road or just waiting for the manager outside the studio....and u get on and he is there and you lose sense n track of everything else around you get away from anybody around find your corner and just stay in that moment live your moment live that feeeeeeling of finding him closest to you in that moment....like fone Ku haath lagake feel his presence touch his presence away....

That same kinda crazy need to live more and get away from work and also due haircut and head off to the salon usual lady who does your hair and everytime you ask for her instead of the guys the waaaaaay him again that beauuutiful rush all over again....

Smthings nai charlie even after years decade you just cant get over....that's the beauty of visuals you live him looking at your through the mirror whilst the guy does your hair and the way after he tells you I'm a visual guy I couldn't stand that feeling of some other guy touching your hair .....it just had to be me who could touch it!

Some moments the waaay they just stay with you also the shortest you've gone Inna long time....

Haircut selfie always bout him cause that's a momemt you always find him with you as crazy as this sounds you just do every single time...

Places!!!!!

 Lil do you know or realise how strong a place can make you feel like the waaaaaays it can make you feel and the waaay it can leave you with....

One place and that many memories and even a decade after the waaaaaay it just made you feel that evening.....like all of him lilst of details from the start to that meet at his other house the waaay it all just rushed through you...

And hasn't been the same after....this you this state of all you the waaay it just feels different this beautifully worse....

Most of you wanting to stay there and the rest of you trying to still make sense of the present life...

Things charlie memories and places can do to you are way beyond any logic....the way there's so much inside of you that just needs to be screamed out loud so much so kii utaa peeke soke got up again watched some movie half way through off n away to your place and this mind again now......

Ever since that evening this need to feel him more live him more...!

Heart with wings...

Red bull gives people wings, ayyaaa this beauuuuty I tell you gives your heart full grown beauuuutiful huge wings I say.....That need to just keep living him every other hour and then to see him online even for a sec is like to find him in the middle of nowhere with you.....

It's like your heart on a flight mode today just flyiiinnnn high off n awaaaay I say!!!!!

AyyaaaaaA ineee poori ki poori howliii bana gayaaa I swear!!!!!!

This heart this mind this you all of you every bit of you today feels this different, all this with just the start of some sound and then to just live Him in his place....

MAGIC!!!!;;

MOREEEEEEEE OF HIM!!!!!!!!

geeeliest chummiiii lag jaaaanaaaa uskuu abiiii k abiiii not literally tho cause that in your head dint feel right.....bas that feeeel and whooo bhi meri wali feeeel honaaa even for a sec to jsur feeel inee yaad kari shayad wali feeel!!!!!!

Wishes I tell you on days like these, absolute pure level of madness...!

Days like this,mind like this!

 When you are already all this beauuuuuutifully Him and now everhtime you see him online this feeeeeeeels I tell you charlie every single time.....

This beauuuuuutifully high on Him, this mind this you today!!!!!

No wonder this loooove for his places the waaay they make you feeel even after years now...

In middle of all this work the waaay the mind keeps drifitng away this beauuuuuutifully!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaa his places!!!!!!

This misseeeing ever since evening yesterday to another level only.....it's like you almost met him from back then!!

Standing there reliving those memories felt like you were there with him in that very moment.....

Aaaaj kaam nai horaaa charlie!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeee how nowwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!