Long long time...

10 years is not a joke its a long long time charlie.....

its that thing that one sudden moment of smthing and you just feel proud not sure why or how....

but you just do imagine times when people struggle to hold onto anything at all in life and in this you actually managed to love and grow with love with the same one right from that very start of the sec that made you feel this is what they call Love... He is Love...!

ever since that first start to today.....

definitely not a joke and for nothing at all !!

where youve grown loving him more despite of living his absence more than his presence for years now....

now you are just finding a way to not go back to that box of hope from here on...

no one ever said it would be this hard!

shouldve stayed as friends only at least that way you wouldnt have lost your only best friend too !!

or bester wouldve been as his sister.........!

never been this weirdly numb ever before.....

like you cant say a thing feel a thing now.......

its this weird blankness cant feel a thing !!!!!!

this weird feeeling when you realize it actually did happen for real......

The complete presence...!

of all the years strangely the start of this year in your mind was special maybe cause you were unknwingly waiting hoping for that magic to happen.....

like were hoping waiting for him this year mainly.....

like smthing in you with that strong gut feeling that you will have his love for you back again this year....

it was weird now complete madness to even think bout it !!

but smthing you just donnooooo it just felt that strong like ever since the start of this year and that feeeeeling you lost him then and youll find him back again this year.....

as weirdly crazy as this sounds now even writing it out cause yet again this state of mind all that you felt past few days you dint wanna write or hear yourself your mind out.....

but smthings you just gottaa let out for once n all !!!!!

there was that lilst speck of hope still there living through you without you intentionally waiting for it but with the last few days and now finally you did pull yourself out of that box..../

it dosnt make any sense anymore now......

there was that thing charlie.....

this one time somewhere out with him and his sister and wih him standing at a lil distance doing smthing either it was buying tickets parking car and walking back towards you smhing and you were just watching him living that beauty of his presence that completely lost in him....

and his sister was talking smthing to you and you were just that lost in his beauty to just live his presence with him walking towards you with  that one beauuuuuuutiful expression on his face that one familiar smile that he always used to have on whilst walking towards you knowing you that well enough that you are living his beauty living his presence and just that thought making him smile flash that one most beautiful smile of his.....

and that one moment when his sister shakes you up and asks you why do you love bhaiya so much....

and that one question actually moves you cause you werent expecting that and you just loook at her and still wonder about what she just asked you about.....

and you look back at him and just tell her donno its just him his complete self and there is not just that one thing that you love about him but its his complete self....

and then she again asks you how much and you actually tell her what you always felt itta ki i wish i was your sister too tere bhaiyya ki bhi sister too just so you could get to live him always as and wehn you wished too....

she laughs over your logic of loving him and by the time he comes over and asks what was it that you both were laughing at and obvsly skip sharing it with him....

to think of it now....

its actually what happened eventually......

to think of it now you actually wish you instead stayed just friends with him at least that way you still wouldve had him in your life.....

at least that least of Him still in your life...

there was never jus that one smthing that you loved bout him not just that one bit of him.....

everything to anything that made him, Him has always been love to you....

but there comes a time when you decide its best to leave it at that.......

cause now you have no other way but to....

all you gotta do now is find a way, learn a way to not back to that box of hope again...

Speck of hope!!

who hota nai charlie all this while though you know and are that aware of not being hopeful bout things in general smtimes and smtimes bout things that matter the most in your life...

like you think you are not being hopeful enough but there is that some kona in you still holds by to it with that some day kinda thing like without you knowing it intentionally maybe but smthing in you just lets you makes you keep holding subconciously !!

and then there comes that one point when you sort of pull out yourself from the box like you know literally pull out yourself from that lil speck of hope box......

thats what has happened like it dint happen in one instance but over the course of last few days reliving the most loved time of your life and then realizing the now and the then and how things have how he eventually did change.....

and not the same you knew anymore.......

like suddenly smthing in you just changes just realizing living thelast few days.....

its just you now...

just you !!

What to what !!

its this state of mind that you come back home with.....

even as you relive it all and write now....... 

or on your way back your mom still talking bout smthing you lost in your own lil world of him in your mind....

just looking back through the day lilst of moments and findings wondering how did you even miss out on seeing them before...

and after all these years it had to be just today of all the days dates on the calendar....

and to just find it now after years and in this way the waaaaaay it just changed it all for you !!

this feeeel now smthing did make this year this special......

wohi maloom hai one thing hota naii and then when you live that time gap in moments like these and ekdum se realize wowwww 10 years haan !!!!!

chutki mein pyaar change ho jaata and ek ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa whoooooo cutieeeeeeeee ka pyaaar i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even today as you live him through those lilst of things and  relive him the waaaaaaay it all feels like it was a day or two like its just been a day or two since you last lived that actual moment.....

like it wasnt that long smtimes when you write and relive it in your mind and suddenly dont even know how or what to call it as !!!!!!

this whole thing this one lil world that you live in your mind live through these moments in a way do make up for his absence....

and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even on his birthday did leave you with the most beautiful lil gifts i say...

his music and his words both together...!

Days like these...!

hows that even possible that you missed out on finding these thngs all these years now.....

like this wasnt smthing you cuoldve missed out on !!!!!!

is the logic.....

but the waaaay finding them today in a way changed it all for you from feeling WHAT to this beauuuuutiful happy state of mind that it left you with......

to just live him through these findings be it his words to just listen to his music through smthing of his own.....

happiness, even if you think it to be smthing that lil but to you alone meant the world.....

keep it safe in your bag with that lil khushiiii still screaming through you the waaaay it felt more like your best birthday ever.......

like these gifts of his be it his words that you loooooooooooooved or again smthing to do with his music...

even though you cant really use it but to just have smthing of his......

smthing that special and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he did bring that for you !!!!!!!!!!!!!

its like every lil thing charlie including the chocolate wrapper or the coffee toffee that you still have from then its like they all have some version of his love for you attached with it a memory attached a version of him attached to it......

forget bout us kateeee !!!!!!!!!!

as you go through each one of them and with it realize how much of him you did become eventually !!!!!!!

to just be him live that much of him through you !!!!!!!!!!!

its the waaaaaaaaaaay after years its all just that beauuuuuuuutifully there.....

cards you avoid reading today it just dint feel right !!!!!!!!

like the sec you try to open n read just that weird feeeling and you dint want to ruin what did make you happy already......

and just be with what and how those lil findings amde you happppy.....

get off and wear yet another one of those things that you had to wear with him....

his much loved bottle green kurti with jeans on his way again black bindi......

that same feeeeeeling again looking at yourself in the mirror become Him...

get ready and head out and ask your mom to get ready too.....

you just knew which place to head straight to celebrate today......

His melting moments ice cream place exactly where he did take you 10 years back on this very same day the first time...

only thing once there the new place was finally open but his flavor wasnt there nor was the place or quality felt the same so instead just be there with your mom in the car.....

just sit there for a bit live him again loop up and this beautiful glass top your fav thing bout that place now....

as it overlooks the same tree from back then grown huge now....

evening lights only made it look even more beautiful save the moemnt save the Him from back then away.....

that was your moment of celebrating the most important most loooooooooooved day date of  your life...

 

Handwritten Notes...

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay moments like these make you feel !!!!!

staright from sassy girl note under the tree to be read after years.....

finding this script of his to read those lines by him after years now......

like he in a way had it all planned ahead...

some time some year you to read it and in a way makes it better for you heals away all that pain that you felt last nite.....

it was that complete vibe of those few mins that you sit there with his music playing reading that script of his with that beauuuuuuuuuty of his voice echoing almost reading out that script to you in his way of reading scripts out.... talking to you reading out to you and you not reading it but listening to him hearing him say out the script....

those few mins and that state of mind they leave you with !!!!!!!!!

beauuuuuuuutiful calm and even with music playing you couldnt hear a sound just him talking his words those few lines making it better transforming you away and HOW......

the waaaaaaaaaaaaay right from the very start he was alwasy the only one that knew you like no other not even yourself......

how what you would say react to things what you might like what not to your details that not even your mom knew about.....

you yourself dint know of and him showing you telling you sharing with you......

and everytime he would show you smthing bout tyou that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling to just watch him show you things bout yourself - a love beyond jus the word jsut the term Love...

once done reading the script you just be legs up in the air eyes shut with his voice still echoing through you......

its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay things like these bout him almost land you in a different world altogether....

its that beautiful high that you can feel in your mind feel all through you.....

rush through you !!!!!!!!

to that beautiful calm that follows with that mild high.....

its that need to absorb that feeeeel a lil more to jsut be with that vibe for a while longer.....

once done to the next one....

wrappers dusting all away as the dried gulmohars now sort of have these tiny insects all over and they were almost spreading away over the wrappers and other bits dusting them away keeping them away from the cards sorting bits out and this one package of teh fone he had got on yoru birthday which you after did give him back....

the box stayed with you with the gift wrapper that he had it on with....

today after years you open that box never did before all these years not sure why or how.....

and the usual different very different kind of charger from back then is when you know wow its been THAT long to this headset....

and finding that was another level of happiness i say.......

cause that meant you could now listen to his music with smthing of his too.....

only when you take it out do you realize it was the smallest headset with the shortest of chords that couldnt even come up to the fone.....

and back then he did bring some other wire to be used with his one....

plug it in somehow and the sound still that clear and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel to just listen to his gypsy soul the first thing on it today.....

that beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful crystal clear sound.....

with that box with that headset came the memories along....

the way he actually did put in all his music back then with his hold  your hand song as the ringtone for his number on your fone and then wrapped it back for you......

his beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful waaaaaaaaaaaaays of love i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like this one complete meaning different from what the world thinks love could be.....

anything to everything - Him !!!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful lil big thing You were missed again like never before..............

ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa chummiiiiii biiiiiiiiiii naiiiiiiiiiiii phekkkkkk saktiiiiii dooorse bhiiii ab thooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The beautiful lil findings...

been decade now....

youve had this habit of going through all him every year this time around.....

last nite was tough was bad when you were sort of realizing living your actual presence in ssomeones life and realizing the distance to be kept away from the only one love of your life that you have loved the most..... and couldnt even wish him now to say the least..... after missing him for everything lil to big thing in life this too goes..... crying confused weird lost feeeling and hoping to get some sleep with his music playing and that wait to see him there to make it better for you and doesnt happen....

finally today with that first lil moment of your own khushi with those lights on you decide to make it a liil more better with losing a lil more in him...

your beautiful lil treasurechest of all Him...

chocolate wrappers his cards dried gulmohar dress tags wrapping paper his one glove chewed by the Lucky every lil of him that you go through this time around every year.....

dust them and pack them away again.....

today too as you just be locking yourself away in yoru room and taking it all out and surround yourself away with all Him......

his music playing loud just so if any knocks at the door you dont hear them and have to answer them.....

one thign after the other and this one cover sort of thing of his dad's diary that uncle had given you with that cardboard kinda cover still there as you had your diary out....

and this time you open that too and find these sheets in your handwriting....

check and it was another script of his not sure when you worked on this one too cause you did correct it for him with his handwriting on few words and more your handwriting and as you read the story it was of some director guy in love with a girl and she was soon gettig engaged cause she dint feel that love of his anymore......

and was moving on !!

and only with more interactions over the guys effort of making her realize his love for her over events does she realize she was alwasy in love with him and his love made her realize her love for her work too.....

more so there were these lines of his that goes by like he knew her better than she ever did herself be it bout herself her love for her work or her love for him too..... he knew her more than she ever did know herself....

his lines back then, decade after still the same sums up your life i say !!!!!!!!!

lil did you know back then lil did it make sense back then cause then you just were taking it to be some script that he wanted you to correct the grammar of.....

it was a brief story but these few lines just stayed with you......

whoo hota nai charlie how did you miss out on this one and how come after decade now you find it of all the days today.....

and these very lines of his not sure if it was random or to do wih you but this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling now......

as you read it sums your life away and HOW !!!!!!!!!!

there is nobody that knows you the way he did....

lilst of things to anything at all !!!!!!!!!!!

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he just knew you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to find these things the timing the feeeeeeeel they left you with !!!!!

BEYOND words...!

Right frm the start...

this habit of his back then on some days when he would miss you even in your presence....

like the sec you get in the car and that one look of his and you know that strongly that he'd been missing you all that while and in your presence tooo the way you could just see it in him all the way till opera the way he just would live your presence and sometimes when you go closer the way he would move a bit and instead live your presence as he drives.....

is when you know he was misssing you a lot more itttaaaaa ki he wnated to live your presence where he could see you more......

and on those days he would play all you like right from the start any song to every song related to you...... and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you should seee his face charlie as the song plays ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of my life i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is when your heart used to literally jump out and get stuck with and over his face.....

literally that same kinda vibe n feeeel the sec you see ehim that way or anyway actually !!!!!!!!!

heart jump skip and stuck on him i say !!!!!!!!!

ever since !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!

on those days his usual habit of playing it all about you and with him soon years now you did grow used to that same habit of his.....

on some special days to play it all him and live it all out Him...

like last nite when you lierally struggled to keep your mind off that feeeeel of being pushed away from wishing too quite literally......

and trying to get over or not think of it at all !!!!!

there is that thing charlie of distance....

its there this evidently there for years now.... and for months now all te more clear now !!

and yet there is that thing called acceptance too.....

you know thats the reality but you prefer to ignore it like you know not give it a thought at all....

hoping wiating this feeeling tooo goes away with time....

and then there are moments days or dates like these that bring back that feeling all the mroe zor seee....

wheere you cant ignore escape or hide away from.....

last nite was one of those dates days....

and to make it better usual his music playing loud and just be going through all his pictures.....

and this one pic from that first meet to his otehr house on yoru way back clicking him awaaay him as usual shying smtimes screamign smtimes or pushing your hand away just so you dont take a pic of his......

and your usual as if only !!!!!!!

and you go with it waiting for that one sec of moment when his full focus gets on the road and you on Him jsut so you get that one click of his.....

and in those few hidden moments and clicks this one pic of the track playing.......

again his way of saving up moments and you now doing the same with that thing always on your mind not sure when you would see him again.....

last nite those pics of his living those moments echo of his chuckles away his usual dhamkiii ek aur baaar click kariii thoo utaaar detu tujhee.....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay he used to almost enjoy that whole process.....

from those initial few secs of knowing you were now lost in him and that one smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee on him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa heart jump skip out n stuck on him moment.....

to that beautiful whisper of his saying shuruuu hua teraaa fir se.....

smthings again the waaaaaaaaaaaay he just knows bout you that wellll like that wait in him knowing you that well that any moment now you would do your most loved thing living Him...

and as you do that one beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful transformation of his to just feeel you live his presence.....

like you cuold seeeee him transform that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully charlie.....

from those casual smiles chuckles to that one beautiful smile that slowly transforms all of him away and that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully......

the way he would move a bit watch you a lil and that one nod ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tummmmmmmm ittteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee zorseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yaaaaaaaaaaad aaaayeeeeeeeeeee abiiiiiiiii k abiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why the farakk!!

usku nai hai mein wish karnaa door bhej diyaaa then merku kaikuuu like whyyy the fckkk itttaaaaaaaa farakkkk padaaa !!!!!!!!

like the sec the clock strikes 00:00 21st October ussiii sec se that one knotted feeeling inside....

cause you knewwwwww you wouldnt be able to wish him with that strict intruction of his of no mails too ab thoo......

and that neeed to just get it out and you do yahaa....

see him on whstapp hear him and jsut be there for a bit and get off.....

play his music loud and do your best to get some sleep like lietrally shut your eyes tight just sooooooooooo you could sleeep and meet him wahaaa and of all the days kalichhh nai aya uneee.....

like you struggled waited the longest hoping this nap mein nai thooo next one mein ata....

nai hua.....

finally up really late and that need to take the day off.....

and jjust when you thought you will keep the day just for yourself your mom decides to give some kaam for the cleaning bit and stuff for diwali.....

as you sort out your wardrobe and stuff you find these diwali lights which was to be put up in like 2 days or smthing....

the sec you see the lights and that one jump of khushi on the inside why not today why not noww nowwwww wala nowww cause mere cutieeeee ka bithrday hai aaj.....

like that was the first lil scream that screamed through you the sec you spot the lights....

as you were putting up and you just hummm ur fav saathiya ye tuneeeeeeeee kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa kiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that beautiful coincidence cause that song too comes up with she realizes he loves her and lights up her house to show him that she loved him tooo.... and with the him conection more now with the song and what better day to light up than today....

cause him walking in your life did light it up and HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was like you were living in this small lil happy world inside your head which was waaaaaaaaaaay beyond and far awaaaay from the actual reality running through your life.....

like it was that one extreme beautiful happy lil world of yours inside your head....

lilst of moments and that feeeeeeeeeeeel of khushiii ekdum seeee.....

his music playing that beuatiful chill of october in the air this same time around that beauuuuuuuutiful start of it all and sec by sec it was transforming you nd your life away - HIM !!!!!!!!!!!

his birthday the love day this whole month was just the beginning of Him in your life...

lil did you know howwwwwwwwwww and the waaaaaaaaaaaays you your life would be transformed...

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one adoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable most annoying beautiful lil big  thing i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

once the lights were up like through that process living him with every blink of an eye his music playing smelling that beauty of October in the air and by the time you were done with the lights you were all him just that beauuuuuuuuuutifully him.....

and there was no waaaay you could just go on with the usual.....

when that one transfomation happens charlie like from smthing to becoming Him like you can feel that sense that change within you moment after moment and by the time you wee done with that work there is that beautiful need to just be away from it all and closer to him.....

like its just that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him n you....

nothing else no one else just that feeeeeel and you !!!!!!!!!!!!

liek you know feeeeel yourself off and away to everything Him...

and you finally take out that Him treasurechest of yours.....

every year this time of the year to take it out dust it away and go through those lil traces of him.....

and today of all the days and after 10 years you find things that you dint all these years.....

where this year you already were looking forward for that special thing of his birthday this year being all the more special the love day being all the more special finally a decade and lil did you know of all th years this year !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings you write nd this feeeeeeeeeling now after writing it sholdnt have even thought or mentioned it.....

like it just stops with this sudden shift of mind !!!!!!!!!!!

like you cant type that weird feel of not being able to write....... a word more !!

Mere cutieeeeeeee ka birthday i say !!!!!!!

from feeeling worse than pathetic horrible to a day like this one !!!!!!!!!!

when it felt more like your birthday than the cutieeeeeeeeeeees birthday i say !!!!!!!!!!!

this one day on the calendar 21st October like this one date the most important date of your life i say !!!!!!

and the first n only person that you couldnt prolly  thank enough is obv his actual mom - thank you aunty !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this THIS one date i swear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the most important date of your life cause its this date that gave you him...

Him i sayyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa mereeee cutieeeeeeeeeeeee ka birthday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when it starts off on the worst note again with that feel of not being able to wish him feeling pathetic bout your ownself your own presence in someones life and all that usual stuff......

to a day like this one as the day unfolds.....

and through n through the day these bouts of lilst screams rushing inside of you ayyyaaaa mere cutieeeeeee ka birthday hai where the mere still feels weird but inside of you it just feels your own....

and you just go with it even be it for the day bhi cause you just couldnt correct the statement or lilst screams rushing through you through the day.....

one of those most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful almost magical days i say.....

again where after the longest of times you felt this happy andar seee heee.....

like it just made you glow just like his presence used to back then.....

like  you could see that happiness on your face your mom could see it smthings naiiiii for no reason or actually big reason and yet no reason kinda khushiiii.....

why cause it was mere cutieeeeeeeeeeee ka birthdaaaaaay i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the day today beyooooooond words !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

save karnaaa thoo bantaaaa hai boss !!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday...

Happy birthday to the life of my love or of the term "love" and everything that comes with it and to the only love of my life i say...!

stranger weirder madder are the ways of love i say !!

Two lives in one!

to think of it all now......

its like you are living two two lives in one..

one where you cant help but deny the reality ignore the reality rather not look think or feel kinda reality..... almost numb likes !!

and the other that you would rather want to be like your actual reality to be...

like if only you could pick n choose it to be...

days back or almost a week or smthing this one new like after months now prolly that you see on his youtube like th eonly place again where you could wait hope to see his presence for real.....

it was a beautiful chill low track but the word title of the song desolate and that practically dislocated your mind away !!

to put it in the most precise way possible......

meaning emptiness lonely kinda thing though the track was pretty chill the title again almost awakened that mommy in you away.....

play  the track on loop try to stick your mind with the chill vibes of the track but that same thing all over again once the his mommy in you phase strikes theres no looking back......

exactly what happened thsi time too !!!!!!!!

though you know very well he infact wanted you to keep off him infact even tells you so this time very directly......

and yet that same helpless feeling wondering if he was okay.....

and the only way you could make that feeling better for yourself was by adding him back with that feel of being there for him in your own way.....

though this one logic of yours neevr made any sense.....

but sense and you never really got along !!

right from the very start !!!!!!

sense logics are smthing that you can never understand when it comes to anything to everything to do with him...

cause when it comes to Him you just go by what and how you feel bout it....

add him back but deleet your pic away from whatsapp cause now all of that feels messed n fcked to add him and have your pic there.....

it just got awkward and weirder....

only after blame it on the wine or just cause you were just happy with that feeeeeeeeel of becoming him after really long..... that complete day right from the start to what and how you felt through the day the evening like you know almost growing closer to him in your mind.....

and you put that up as your dp.....

the next day the waaaaay it just felt that weird just dint feel right then and you again block him back.....

the way it felt you were making your presence felt when that wasnt even the last thing he asked you for.....

like he made sure to tell you that he wanted you to keep off him and there was you changing dp and him being there like it all just felt that awkward weird fcked up !!!!!!!!!!!

why were you even there what for ??????????????

its just that one thing charlie when you live such contrasts in life.....

hoping the one that you love happens for real or otherwise the other one feels less bitter or atleast gets better with time...

like two different stark extremes of the same world same life......

days when  you feel him that much that you struggle not to move in your sleep even if you get tooooo cold with too much rains now like you stay still when you live him in moments hold yourself and stay still just so you dont move and wake up and then look for him......

like that kinda shift from one reality to the other !!

When and how not to write !!!!!!!!!!!!!

exaaaaaaaaactly why you refrain from writing him now !!!!!!!!!!!

when you just donnooooooooooo how where to stop even !!!!!!!!!!!!!

like you just start a moment from a day and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay it all starts to flow again one of those things that you dint wanna write out..... like the physical details that you struggled not to relive or write and then the waaaaay it all suddenly this beautifully strats to flow word after word moment after moment....

like almost the Him unfolding with words as you write...

like you anyway just knewwwwwwwwwww it was the THE month after all - October...!

The reflection...

there is that beautiful smthing of the lil details too...

lilst of them bhi !!

like smthing that small and that random could make you feel him with your eyes open to think of it now is no less than magic... wooooosh bolke !!

just like that !!

or maybe by then you were just that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully high on all Him.......

on your way back as the rains get that beautifully worse and then suddenly stops with raindrops still over the window....

and as it was late evening as the car gets under those beautiful his fav orange street lights and you still sleep haze high on him state of mind watch the reflection of those raindrops from the window forming these dot patterns over your arm and hand.....

and as the car moves slowly through the jam so does the raindrop reflection on the arm.... that beautifully trippy like the drops moving over your arm and for those few mins the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the mind started to feel that feeeeel like it was his hand over your arm.... just like he used to back then just feel your hand when it used to be freshly waxed as he used to that adooooooooooorably call it as...

freshly waxed arm of yours.... was again smthing he loooooooved feeling !!

like he would run his hand over your arm with that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful smile on him......

and you like always just live that beauuuuuuuty of him as you watch his hands over your arm..... every lil beautiful detail of his hand...

to again live that visual of his hand over yours !!

agains mthing you relived after years now...

that evening was like reliving that very same moment as you watch those raindrops moving feel those drops moving over your arm that beautfully visually trippy cause in your mind it was his hand.....

and how strongly you felt him in that moment is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy beyoooooooond words i say !!!!!!!!!!

like it wasnt the reflection any of the logics at all, to you in that moment it was his hand feeling your arm.....

even writing it now completely lost it but to you alone you know what and how it made you feel his presence in that very moment...

to C the rainbow with rains...

day before out for work and it was raining heavy constantly and your mom along with you to meet someone gets off at the store....

and  you stay inside the car she takes longer talking to someone and you almost in that sleep haze state of mind.... his music playing watching the raindrops and with the windows going that beautifully misty as it gets more cold that one feeeeeeeel of him now eevrytime the windows goes beautifully misty....

like to just live that visual is like living him for real.... cause you feel him the most even with eyes open.....

and as you try to look through that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutful C across the sky...

rainbow it was.....

that one khushiiiiiiiiiii to another level only i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rainbows make you that happiest again cause its like one big beauuuuuuutiful hued C across the sky..... and this  time it was that much more special as it was still raining also why you sturggled to click a pic of the rainbow.....

instead save the day save the feeel away.....

like those few mins before noticing the rainbow just living him watching the rains n mist already had you misseeeeeeeing high on him......

and then to live that beauuuuuuty of the rainbow across the sky was smthing else.....

as simple as lil these moments they maybe but what and how they can make you feel like in that very moment and his music to feel all this with is like one complete different beautiful world that you suddenly drift and land in...

switch from one world to the other...

just like that !!

happiness that comes with C to just see  the C i say !!

Own lil world...

you had your manager along there were people eating drinking playing cards you did join in for a game or two but that usual need to just get away from it all cause after a point it just is not where you belong.....

again sticking with the same no drinking out rule with yourself head outt to the balcony and just be with his music playing lil kids downstairs playing with some random lil forecraker kinda thing.....

like the start onset of this month you sure knew what would come with....

but this time you just stick with it being one of your most loved and most important month of your life - being His born day month......

the month that gave you HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and you sort of talk your mind out almost every single day its ok its gonna be okay.....

youll get through this too !!

like after that chat that complete shift of mind and habits that you went through and are still struggling with..... this one mode state ofmind that you try to keep yourself on track.....

we'll just go with it being His birthday month.....

and this year that much more special as diwali this year falls on the 27th the life changing and you changing date of your life...

and yet it will be with His birthday thing going for you !!!!!!!!!

also another massive change would be for you to just be with all of you on the inside screaming away on the inside wishing him away......

another change.....

sooooooo yahhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!

with everything around looking that much more festive that much more diwali its like you were feeling him all the more even when you were away from it all and just by yourself listening to his music looking out with those on n off drizzles.... getting colder just that whole vibe for few hours......

like the first thing once home was ot try the new wine that your mom got like you actually had to sit yourself down proper proper in your room cause you couldnt take those fewest of steps from ur place to your room as got the worst cold where you couldnt feel your nose anymore.....

there is that beauty charlie its like theres everyone around living life and you are in your own lil world in your mind...... happiest !!

like your own company and yet feeling him the most with you...

like you look around see the trees move feel the breeze on your face look at those kids playing his music playing and then turn around look at those bunch of people on the couch on the floor playing some flirting its too much crowd and makes you wanna turn back again and get lost in your own world some more.....

the place where you belong the most, the place where you feel the most you at...

Being Him...

this thing again only when you realize it now after years.....

it never was bout fav color or that smthing fav on you ever before Him in your life....

but with Him as just like the many other lilst of things too this too did happen...

his love for whites on you and your madness level love i say of whites on him to this extent  that most of your dreams of him have him wearing smthing white be it shirt t shirt of even white chaddis......

cause it did start wit him wearing proper proper shirt for teh first time was in white n blue striped shirt of his.....

and that was you for the first time feeling living someone that way for the very first time.... and ever since then it has always been him.... watching a guy to a level of adoring feeling someone look that beautiful that handsome that good looking that you cant take your eyes off and the thing that made him look always look that much more beautiful was the way he would watch you living that beauty of his......

with that one smileeeeeeeee on him like he was allowing you to live him that way like  you know just standing there and letting you live his beauty without interrupting you not saying a thing nothing at all just letting you live him live that moment to the fullest.... with just that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully adoooooorable smile on him just watchng you live him.....

like from there on to realizing how much he loved white on you much later on.......

to jsut a few days back when there was those fancy pre diwali party by a bridal client of yours leaving for abroad and insists you come......

and prolly after years now actually make that effort of gettin dressed......

when looking fo rwhat to wear it had to be one of those things that you strongly felt that very morning living his presence in a white n black t shirt again......

like that one vsiual of his stayed through the day and when looking you pick another one of those things that you had got made to wear it with him last year.....

a white floral anarkali kinda thing with his same white chudidar from back then.....

the sec you wear it that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel when you look at yourself when you wear anything of his..... cause now these are the things that you call his now.... anything that has smthing anything of him be it the color vibe memory or just that feel of his.... and then you look at yourself in the mirror that complete feeeeeeeeeel that comes with it is SOMETHING else !!!!!!

like from the wavy hair that just dosnt get straight now to it looking much browner now again smthing that he liked and wanted one of our own to have the hair as....... to the nude lip color to wearing flats like its all the lilst of details of dressing up cause you dont anymore.....

and that evening just when those lil details lilst of them weere making you feel him all the more......

its that process charlie his music playing dressing up like these things were only bout heading out to see him and when yyouve done that only in that specific way and then after years do it jus randomly that feeeeeeeeeel that state of mind stays with you somehow.....

its like the brain sort of automatically starts to visualize anticipate with that clueless feel of looking forward for a future possible moment on that very day..... like you know after this that kinda thing that runs through your mind subconsciously.....

like you dont do with intention but like your brain is in that automode of heading out to see him as you get ready and is why you are getting ready kinda still no logic kinda logic.....

sooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to jsut see yourself become him being him is a kind of happiness thats beyond words.... as its not completely happiness or being very happy and excited kinds but that one beautiful calm state of happiness jus looking atyourself become him in the mirror......

how one detail to the other of yours were soon becoming him to being completely him now over the years.....

again when you come back home and save the day away with pics and actually write the words down and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeel as you were writing down the details of metting him seeing him for the first time on that day ist what follows after !!!!!!!

soooooooo yahhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!

like you just had to the way todays dream themoments through the day or last few days made you feel like.....

saving the last few days away finally !!!!!!

the being him after years in white, trying the most delicious wine for the first time and a lil happy high just to feeeel watch becoming Him...

High on Him...

people do get high on many things be it love stufffff money success fame and all that jazz but there is that beautiful your first and only high that youve ever felt lived loved and grown loving with - Him...

like it has been there before you even knew something like getting "high" did exist or there was smthing by that name too.....

again smthing you did learn only with and from him getting high n all !!

and only now with years of his absence and growing used to living him with eyes closed this one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it leaves you with everytime you wake  up now....

/no wonder that need to sniff his presence away just so it stays with you like that only thing that stays with you smthing of his presence in his absence, his smell even much after the waking up..... like also the thing that makes you feel more sane.....

like you are not or totally lost it for having felt him all this while lived his presence even with your eyes shut.... almost every morning....

it just connects charlie smthing that youve strongly felt through the day or lived a moment random simple most momemnt and missed him like the oether day  to notice a new flavor cadburys silk the salted caramel one and the sec you see it that one adooooooorable him the waaaaaaaaay hejust knew youll have it only after he has tried it knowing his love for it even from a distance iwth him being in bangalore.....

like the sec you see the new pack that one him that one strong feel of him and the same nite dream of him pretty close to what and how you felt in that moment...... again skipping wiriting it away for obvs reasons.....

it just connects that beauuuuuuutifully !!!!!!!!!!

to those very start days with him when to just live his presence used to give you that different beautiful version of happiness.....

like you could go by the day days your life just by staying there before him and living his presence evry lil beauuuuuuutiful detail of him.... and feel that high feel that smthing that makes you that happiest calmest and also mostly wanting to eat him up and yet stay a lil far and jst live his presence away instead......

smthings you write and exactly why you stay away from witing after writing it out now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exaaaaaaaaaaaactly why !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exaaaaaaactly why !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Waking up like this...!

smthings nai actually only the things to do with him bad good worst or beautiful anything to evrything to do with him is smthing you can get or grow used to ...

and one of the yet another one of the most beautiful things now with his absence is this whole vibe of waking up like this.....

just this state of mind this beauuuuuutiful ease state of mind that it leaves you with !!

just his presence and the only thing on the planet i say that could possibly have this THIS imapct on you HIS presence......

be it those times of for real his presence for real or now his absence and yet real the sec you shut your eyes.... and then live his presence....

and the waking up to and with his smell touch or just that beauuuuuuuuuutiful ease it leaves and fills you up with.... like this state of mind right now with that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him in white n blue bold checkered shirt with your most looooooved khaki pants on him him standing there waving at you showing you the rainbow as the big bright colored bold C all across the sky..... exactly what and how you felt it the day before when you see the rainbow across the sky for real.... cause rainbow too now is your C big beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful bright hued C across the sky.....

and the sight of it - happiness  to another level only i say...

its this thing charlie like you struggle  to keep off writing now cause you knoooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww the after of writing himd own cause it feels all wrong messed n fcked up now.....

like you can still have all of him rushing breathing liivng through you but when it comes writing him down and then to deal with the after of it is smthing you just cant donnooo how to deal with......

cause somehow every single time it only gets that much more beautifully worse the misseeeing the wanting to see him the need to jst live feel love life him for real.... like all of it only gets that beautifully worse !!!!!!!!

every single time after you write him out there is that initial calm and then calms the beautiful storm every single time......

HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!111111

ajiii arjjjj kyaa hai....

duneyaaaa waloooo k liyyy kaiiiiii saaaaar resooons hoteeee hongaaay happpppinesss k liyyy! daroooooo ladkiiiiiiiiiiiiii lakdaaaaaaaaaa beeeeeeediiiii pssyyyyy beeediiiiiii kaaanaaaaaaaa ectecra ectecaa...........

but hamaaaare liyeeee thoooooo shuuuuuroooooooooo se bass uneeeeeeeich theeee unieeeeeeeech theeeeeeee ajiiiiiiiii haaaaan sifffffff uneeeeeeeechhhh theeeeeeeee.............

howeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee thummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaj meddddneeeeee levellll i syaaaaa yaaaaaaad ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

frm toppppppp to tooooooooooowwwwwww himmmmmmm i syaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! poooooooor iiiiiiiii kiiiiiiii pooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!