The Him, you live now...!

there is that thing charlie that has been there all these years until now..... till that chat with him a month back....

that one wait in some corner of you with that someday written all over the wait.... like in boldest of capslock someday written over that wait of decade now....

like you dont intentionally think or take it to be that way but whoo hota nai nai maloom nai sochke bhi there is that smthing thats still there.... taht "someday" was for you !!

in that wait of decade.....

and after that chat or words spoken that wait that someday was instantly deleted....

like just vanished disappeared from andaar see he.....

like you dont feel it anymore.....

and yet that love is smthing that will stay for life.....

like you over love relationships attachments and all that stuff.... but now your version of love is completely different to what it had been all this while for all these years now.....

now its all different....

and that moment today that waking up sort of did wake you up to what you were just bout to do.... like it did guide you put you on the right track.....

and today like you just needed to be on your own not for work for yourself....

and even at workshop through the work n all of it your mind still lost in what you just felt this morning.....

home and the first thing head to your moms room.....

sit down on the floor and tell her by starting of with just be my friend today not my mom in this moment just be my friend.....

like that just to say it felt different like it all changed in an instant even just saying it.....

and the first thing you had to tell her was what he told you..... and you tell her that he has moved on and will be getting married.....

and now your side of story....

there is this guy that i met decade back.....

someone i wasnt prepared to meet or ever thoguht i would..... especially when then you were bout to take that step in your life that which you dint decide for yourself....

and this guy just walked in and even without seeing him his face it just made you stand still..... like to just stand there and witness your being life your world you yourself being changed forever was smthing you werent prepared or had slightest idea of.....

but from that sec on the more you lived him in and around  your presence teh more it left you like you were being touched away with and in his presence....

like you all of you experiencing that transition inside.... like smting in you was changing day after day moment after moment.....

we dint talk initially just those glances from across the room random one sec of look and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of beign drawn to him just by the way he would stand in one corner and ekdum see lookup at you and stay that way for a sec.....

and then get back to his workout......

to those wlaking beside him and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel inside like all of you was being drawn to him...... to those first few words and the way he made you feel like youve always known him.... like those initial talks to the way his presence was making all of you inside outside smile happy.....

for the first time you werent scared of being touched or being close to him.... even him being around and mazaak mazaak mein would ekdum se get even closer and yet that fear wasnt there.....

but that one comfort that one smthing like youve always been used to his presence used to being that close to him......

there was that sense of belonging even much before you spoke to him or heard him.....

that one beautiful sense of belonging to him..... the waaaaaaaaaay you were being drawn to him even without knowing what it was bout why it was the way it was......

even while talkign all this charlie not even for once do you realize you were actually talking to your mom bout it cause thats how lost you were in just that hour like looking away and just living him in your mind as you talk bout him...... to just feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel that !!!!!!!!!!!!!

SMTHING ELSE !!!!!!!!

being vocal bout everything youve felt for him even before you knew him.....

to actually sharing what and how his touch changed it all for you.....

like today you did decide to actually tell her what he meant to you in your life.... and how it cannot be anybody else for you now.....

liek you obvsly dont share the details.....

but that need to tell her how the more you were with him he was making you his not wanting you to make his but just by the way he loved you which even she never did, he did make you his.....

like you were loved in a way you never have been and to just be loved by in every way possible it was only making you wanna be everything to him.....

to sharing your moments with him over the terrace when he wpuld come lost and then becoming his mommy to the bup......

to the other part of loving and living him......

telling her how you still feel him even in places in your sleep like there is this world of him that you still live soon as you shut your eyes..... like he is there when you are unwell or have had a bad dream like you feel his presence even she couldnt manage to be there with you......

like you feel him when you need him the most when you miss him the most......

he no longer is someone that just was a part of your life, he is the blood that rushes through you the air you breathe the love you live for and live with......

how her touch still discomforts you shakes you up and his ever since the first time has smthing that has only calmed you and mostly awakened a side of you that only comes with him.....

like you literally tell her how you dont feel a thing miss a thing otherwise and she immediately asks you not even if you see smthing in movie or for anybody even if you look around..... and you tell her you almost feel like there is nothing no sense in you like its all numb and that only did happen with him.....

like that side of you is only smthing that you lived with him, a you that he alone knows of.....

and you still feel him smtimes in ways even with eyes shut.....

like you still feel complete even in his absence.....

and i swear charlie you shouldve seen her face in that moment as you at her finally to see your reaction like she only wanted to hear more.....

and you tell her bout the dream this morning how that moemnt that realization of not being to find him smell him live him in that gulmohar visual breaks you......

and that was the kind of life you never wanted to live......

cause that wouldve been way worse than what you are dealing with right now.....

this you this way of life is still smthing that lets you live him just as you want to love to life with......

i wont survive it, if its bout me then let me choose the way i want to live..... and you still tell her you would still go ahead even after this but you wont survive it.....

the him in you is not smthing thats just a part of you anymore......

its your way of life the blood the happiness the air the everything that you are made of, that which completes you in the most beautiful and wordless of ways.....

holds you cries her heart out.... and still crying that question are you happy for him and that one feeeeling the sec she asks you that like it instantly puts a smile on yoru face with that one thought one word.... always !!!!!!!!

still hugging her you speak out for him telling her how much he had been through and the only thing youve always wished for is for him to be happy......

and actually tell her how he is everythign to you, from your only love to bestfriend to your daddy you never had and your kid too !!!!!!

and with these many people in your life that you have and blessed wth there is no way you could see yourself with someone else.....

even breathing the same air with that shadow this morning shook you in the worst possible..... finding yourself that close to someone where you couldnt smell his presence.....

was smthing that in a way showed you a glimpse of the nightmare you were alsmot walking clsoe to just for your mom !!!!!!

to more sharing of him and the after was still holding you tells you she didnt know love could be this too.... what and how he loved you like and how her daughter loves him now.....

thankfully the doorbell rings neighbour comes over with some building committee party invite thing and she gets busy with that and you in your room to get away from everything and closer to him.....

up the volume of his music and just be.....

to just be vocal charlie to say out how much you missed him to even realize how much of him did you actually become even as you were talking those moments of yoru own transition to her.....

to just realize aishaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa innneee kab itttaaaaaa sab ban gayaaa.....

its just that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful feeeeeeling charlie to set yourself free......

to just be able to say out what you alwasy wanted to to just be able to get it out of you......

its a beautiful form of freedom.....

setting yourself free setting that corner of you freee.....

that one hidden corner that you couldnt say out couldnt get it out of you.....

and when you finally do that feeeeeeeeeling is smthing else.....

to just be vocal bout this is how much he means to me you world..... this is what it is and the way it is.....

and nothings no one is going to change that for me.....

this is how i chose to be, live with.... and will !!