Fcking loved HIM !!!!!!!!!!!

i fcking loved him charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so baaad soo madddddddd all of me every bit of me loved evry lil bit of him !!!!!!!!!!

even his bad his worst his most beauuuuuuuuuuutiful all of him !!!!!!!!

but this him you dont know amymore.....

it was there all this while it only took you all this while to actally realize it !!!!!!!

ever since that movie that scene of the way she walks runs to him and hides away in his t and that memory recall of his just before leaving for bangalore moment of yours.....

like you could just runn to him just like that like you could touch him hold him wherever whenever you wanted to that is when you were just with him......

like you could just !!!!!!!!

without the fear talk to him be with him hold him share yourself with him like youcould just......

it all changed everytime that you met after bup there were moments then after the moments there was that sense of smthing bak again tha hesitation if you oculd touch him again hold him onemore time again if you could msg him again after the meet like if its okay to msg cause call thooo you oculd never again as you were blocked on that tooo.....

there was that sense of moving back after having been that closest to him.....

and you would almost forget most of the times and after moments too that rush that need to hold him one more time and you go close and wiat for his facial expresison like it says a go and only after you hold him and if he still insists you leave you just step out and that wiat everytie came with sinking with that one sinking feeeling what happened in few mins like just few mins back you were holding him chummming him away and then suddenly like you needed that permission that go from him as you wait there and he just looks at you knowing whats rushing through you and holds you or jus nods away like you could !!!!!

to those chats after him moving bombay...... like you could never ak him if he could come online cause you mised him or msg him or call him was the biggest of deals......

this wasnt the kind of love you knew you were used  to lving loving him as.....

i fcking loved him charlie wnated al of him to wnat all of me wanting to know be with every lil detail of me where you could just walk upto him when you miss him hold him when you want to mesg call when you wanted to knowing you could to jsut knowwwwwwwwww damn that he loved you that you were loved that you could allowed to love him.... like you know to just love live with that will knowing you could !!!!!!!!!!!

without any fear.......

without that initial hesitance of hands shivering cause he msgs after months or years of not knowing how to what totalk initially...... what if this time he had something worse to say what if this time it hurts you even more ..............

what if this time he leaves again........

you know loving a love without all of these and to just loooooooooooveeeeeeeeeee fckiiiiiiiiiing loooooooooveeeeeeeeeeee him like you could you used to he used to ..............

to just love !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he had his reasons and then found and maybe this phase now is yours to find.....

to find thsi strength to find this you thats beyond and more than just love relationship people letting you breaking you down like getting a lil selfish in life....

and jst going with what feels yours now.....

this him charlie that i live be it in those senseless dreams that i find him beside breathing smiling holding smtimes just living your presence holding that one finger of yorus away or touching away your freshly shaved hands just as he used to back then....

to just living him in tgose lilst of moments through the day.....

that those moments feel yours those set you free those make you happy.....

even if they mean nothing in real even if they dont make sense or dosnt have that validation of his presence actually there..... it means the world and life to you !!!!!!

cause in those moments you are free of the fear the hurt the feeling of strnageness if you could or shouldnt kinda things !!!!!!!

like you are you and he is the him that still loves you and more importantly lets you allows you wants you to love him be there with him......

theres no fear but that beautiful sense of freedom in those moments......

even this morning still that sleepy his msuic playing on the lowet sound possible and to just see him beside on the other pillow of yours and the waaaaaaaaaaaay he moves the pullow actually like you know gettng that soft spot in the pillow to get comfy and then places his head again and again that same discomfort on his face as it wasn that comfy and you try to push your hand through the pillow like adjust it and the waaaaaay he just pust his face over your hand and jsut stays that waaaaaaay smiiiiiiiiiiiiiling that smile at you like you could feeel his warm breath over your hand his daaaaaaaaaaadi giving that beauuuuuuuutifl tiicklish feeeeeel on and over you rhand as he keep smovign his face over your hand as he could see it was making you smile it was amking you haapppy just feeeeeeeeeeeeling his daaadi.... like you just bee that waaaaaaaaaay feeeeeeeeeeling his presence living his presence with that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him and same way actually fall asleep.....

and when you finally wake up that one pillow right infront of your face that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeling as you seee it a lil sinken in with those creases over it and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!

taking your madness to another level and smell the pullow there was no smell of his but that another sniff aorund and that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his preence still in the air......

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

these moments this him that you live through is your happiness.....

your world just like youve always known always loved and were allowed to live and love as !!!!!!!!!