Magic of words...

sooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhh skipping it away !!!!!!!!!!!!!

to the magic of words of yesterday.....

its that thing charlie when you find happiness in completely random things that people miss out on but to you alone they mean teh world..... cause its just you that knows what and how much it means to you !!!!!!!!

like the sighting of cement trucks puts a smile on you and every now n then when your mom ctahes you flash that smile seeing the cement truck asking what makes you so happy seeing those trucks cause she did notice that that quite often.....

how and what do you even reply to those !!!!!!!!!

these lil secret moments of yours alone that you alone know what they mean to you !!!!!!!!!!

to these words.....

random again or for some quotations or oh so poetic but to you they are sort of taking you away from everything else and a bit more closer to him.....

esepcially after that dream yesterday again....

and this one beauty of words on one of the pages you most love....

saying take care of me, i love you...

the way it comforts you and at the same time discomforts you too......

like you were that close to addig him back after reading those words and that immediate self talk mode.....

knowing now he does have smeone to do that !!

get away and just be and stick with the words !!!!!!!!!

some moments like just connect smthing in you like you know strike that cord or string that heart string of yours tinggggggg boolkeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!

that moment was that for you !!!!!!!!

as much as all this smtimes does feel that much madness but its like your world of happiness.....

even be it in the tiniest of moments but that one moment of smthing they fill you up with is beyond words.....

smthing that you alone know and can feel of !!!!!!!!!!

its bout finding Him in those tiniest of moments from nowhere...!

Everything of Him...!

from that moment to many other moments that evening.....

to finally home and finding no internet to write down all of it !!!!!!!

like from watching kbr that whole stretch of that park and then finding this beautiful corner of the tree place in some corner of that stretch of kbr and to live him there as you just watch that place......

to that moment of the painting like you already were that full of him in different ways.....

like those beauuuutiful different versions of missing rushing through you....

and there was you that that badly wanted to write it out and there also was that most of you still struggling to learn the art of not writing him now.....

which is prolly the worst struggle than being okay with the block now.....

cause now it has a purpose...

sooooooooo yahhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!

from a day like that one to waking up with thsi beautifuly weird dream.....

some sound and you just look around and he comes walking towards you with his sister.... and tells you get your car keys instead ill driver your car..... and that khushiiiiiiiiiiiiii in that moment when he says that cause this also was one of your wishes ever since the purple panther happened.....

for him to drive your car that was all Him...

and the sec you give the keys from your bag and the very first question as he looks around the car asks you there is nothing of me in this.....

like he waslooking for smthing anything of him that was yours.....

some hint of him......

and you take his hand in yorus and make him walk at the back and show him the number plate and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it just makes him smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa even reliving it now puts a smile on your face...........

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa THAT one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty i say howwwwwwwwwwwww just howwwwwwwwwwwwww some people just like that get THAT lucky !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that one khushi on him and his sister saying over smthing and gets in the car.....

with her in the front beside him you sit right behind him.... your usual !!

and the sec you do that very same sec him looking at you through the rear view.... that one same exact same smileeeeeeeeeeeeee of his like he used to back then.....

takes his fone plays his music and starts off.....

almost out on the road not sure where it was and a lil ahead and his sister asks him to stop the car and get off.....

he stops and again looks at you through the rear view this time not smiling just that one hold in hsi stare like he actually was holdin you awaaaaaay just by looking at you.....

just by the way he was looking at you.....

gets off and you still sitting inside they just walk away....

like you dint know they were leaving or were bout to leave like it just didnt make any sense.....

as you get out to see where did he go look around no him nowhere and you take your fone to text him or smthing....

and that one rush of some truck or smthing from behind like that one loud woooooosh sound of the vehicle coming from behind shakes you and wakes you up......

the sec you wake up the first thing how are you gonna drive home not knowing how to..... and you look around still looking for him..... in that sleep hazy state of mind with your fone in hand on whatsapp.....

only when the visuals of your room start to make sense do you realize it was one weird dream.....

just be hear him after very long cause now you avoid reading his msgs cause you have to go through things you dont want to rather not read again....

so its beeen veryyyy long since you heard him and today you just be hear him and just be.....

make that moment make that confusion a lil better.....

and not sure when or how go back to sleep a lil more.....

smtimes smthings dont make sense but there is also that beauty of smhings that sort of makes it up for the rest.....

that moment of sharing your most treasured thing bout the reason of taking thsi car and to share it with him smthing that was all Him for you.... cause of his birth year.....

also being jst a month away again smthing that you not sure how you will even get over......

this time tho you cant even wish him through mail !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Canvas...

to from where it all started...

some days you can just feel it like theres something ahead...

like you just could feel it.....

took the day off to get some home stuff done that you were postponing for really long now.....

mom comes along and not even for a sec there is a mention of anything that you dreaded....

like she just starts the day off by saying that she has neevr wished for anythin for herself but this one wish for you and you just stop her right there saying you had no hopes or expectations of anything and its best she dosnt say anything that ws on her mind....

to that walk back to your room from there with that happy heart knowing sacrificng rice literally making that wish actually worked.....

actually charlie that one wish you wished for couldve have been smthing else like the only thing you wished loved lived for....but that thing bout not wanting what just you love its more bout wanting to be loved and not bout wanting to love....

like there is that vast difference in both.... that one beauuuuuuuuty of being loved and not just wanting to love...

soooooo yahhhhh the better one was wishing for to live a life that was more of Him and not bout nothing of him......

and it actually worked cause the way this time felt like you wouldnt be able to escape from it this time !!

soooooooo yahhhhhhhh out finally looking for stuff.....

and when you land at hometown that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling the se cyou are there.....

the place looks completely different now to what it was bac then.....

walking around and a lil ahead and you forget bout your mom and leave her smewhere and on your own up the volume of his music and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay his eyes shis smileesssss his stare walks with you......

back then at hometown with his sister and the waaaaaaay he keeps pulling you back and away from hissister just so he could hold you touch you or to just watch you.....

the way he would just suddenly start talking bout how some random show piece looked good and as you start seeing what he was showing you the waaay he ouwld just hold you awaaaay it was those initial most days initial most closeness......

and the waaaaay he would look for reasons to pull back and closer to him.....

smthingssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss youw riteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling nowwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you did decide you wont be writing these things bout him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

SMTHINGS I TELL YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh walking around and this paintings section by random artists....

the lot looked quite similar to the ones on display in ikea too.....

and this one particular painting with the view of the sea.....

and the sec you see it that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful feeeeeeeeeel of his versova place.....

standing right there at the fence the exact same view of the sea and that beauuuuuuuutiful wait inside rushing through you knowing any sec he'll be out to come to you....

as youd asked him to come out and meet you wit that weird feeeling of going on your own to see him....

and the sec over the fone you tell him to come out the way he just smileeeeeees away knowing your awkwardness.....

standing there with that beauuuuuuutiful rush of wait in you and that complete contrast of the sea the beautifully calm sea...... lines of the waves sound of the waves crashing by and you look around if there was some way to be out there at the beach and just have a walk with him once he is out.....

but the sec you hear his signature adoooooooooorable waaaasaaaaaap that one burst of smthing inside i say......

heaps and bounds of khushiii rushing knowing he was right there and yet that need to live that beauty of the sea now with him by your side...

and you again look around and that adooooooooorable tone of his kyaaa doondri..... and you ask him if there was some way out to go there and he instead insists on getting bac as it was afternoon..... and the sec you turn and look at him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him him smiiiiiiling that smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee o fhis squinting his big adorable eyes away nose twitching his momoo nose awaaaaaay and howwwwwww !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

again in ishaaraa asking you to get home......

that same beautifuly familiar pull as he just looks at you and you get back looking at the sea again and he just stands there with you..... for a few mins or so.....

ab chalti that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful tone again knowing you just wanted to live that moment with him....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddd this need to stop right here.....

that one painting with his very same track playing then vital signs you just be there living that beuaty of him while watching that painting...

they say you must never have a art piece of the sea at home....

cause its like making the wild nature of smthing stagnant and the same way could have the same impact on your life too.... makign it stagnant.....

and so you just be living that beauty of him as you watch the painting for those few mins.....

how just howwwwwwwwwwww can some visual fill you up with smthing that youve lived for real....

like that beauuuuuuuuuuuutifully literally hold your hand and take you to your most loved place most loved moment..... and that strongly like you actually relive that very moment that very feel of his presence of his sound of the sound of the waves all of this and more just by simply standing there watching that painting to the sound of his music...

the missing that followed after that moment was beyond words...!

VISUALS are life!!!!!!!!!!

there are a zillion visuals that you may come across all through the day....

but there is that one corner that one glimpse of smthing that sort of holds all of you awaaaay like suddenly evrything around is moving soo fast and yet that beautiful stillness inside of you that only you alone know off can feel of......

that one glimpse of smthing even in a moment speeding by is like your world in a sec.... for that one sec !!

and your heart just couldnt help but wish... for that one sec with the biggest sigh possible !!

to be there with him...

right there sit there with him and live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him just right there !!!!!!!

out for home stuff shopping with mom and on your way back end of the day usual jam at jubilee hills and right outside the kbr there is this chicca or chicha named coffee or smthing place.....

it was late in the evening and there is this beauuuuuuuutiful tree all the more beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully lit with tiny small round things around the tree..... and tables under the tree to sit and have a meal or smthing.....

simple pretty simple or maybe an average place or moment....

but to you that one sec of glimpse of that place as the car mves through the jam and you keep bending over to get the most of that view with that beauuuuuuuuuty of him rushing through your mind.....

to just live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him all of him under those lights knowing how beaaaaaaaaaaaaaautfiul gorgeous he looks under those dim street light kinda beautiful tone of lights.....

knowing the reality of it all and YET your heart just couldnt help but make non logical wish right there the sec you spot that place....

must have passed by that route a zillion times but never seen it thee before..... and yesterday when you do like that one sec or few secs as you keep looking at that place all you could feeeeeeeeel liveeeeeeee wish for was that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him under those very lights under that very tree.....

some moments sort of make your mind all of  you go blank to the reality of the situation... like you lose that sense of logic and all of it or all of you is taken over by that beauty of that very moment...

yesterday evening spotting that place was that for you....

you couldve asked the driver to take a u turn and get a closer look of that place by stopping like you were maybe jst a turn away from saying the same and that second thoguht whats the point in being there on your own cause that place that whole vibe of that place that you felt even from that far cause only because of the beuaty of living him there....

like to just be there dint even make any sense.....

like all you felt for that place was for him was for to live that beauuuuuuty of him in that place....

still amazes smtimes how a place could make you feel soo much !!!!!!!!!

like THAT much even passing by to just feeel him there live him there !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sundays dont feel the same anymore...

there are changes def ever since that chat !!

sundays have gone back to being sundays and dont feel the same anymore....

like now when its there there is that need to just be away whatsapp like to just be off it on that day it brings back that weird feeling like of all the days that day.....

kinda vibe !!

so has this way of living and loving him to just realize how it has sort of changed you with time.....

in ways more than one....

to think of it now what you were back then to what you are now.....

never for once did you ever think you would grow could grow this stronger in life...

kabhi lagta maloom charlie when life feels good today than what it was then in terms of financially being independent being stronger enough to sit with your mom and tell her what he actually means in your life.....

like everythings there and yet that nothing wali feeling.....

and back then you had nothing and yet everything, cause you had Him...

weird nai kabhi lagta wrong timing or what it was !!!!!!!!

or was it the most beautiful time of your life and wishing it was just timed differently !!

TO be proud of being in love....

its not smthing that you look down upon or smthing that you think is madness.....

cause thats smthing that keeps you the most sane...

its smthing that sort of binds you together.....

literally keeps you sane.... apart from t hose occassional moments of stumbling upon on some of his songs and then reliving tat beauty of his closeness that sort of awakens and then troubles all of you where you struggle to get that sanity back in you......

apart from those ocassional moments of heights of missing, this love keeps you sane and complete....

its smthing you are proud to be in love with.....

exactly why his presence distant presence sort of did humiliate you like you know make you feel worst bout yoruself wondering why you werent good enough young enough everyhting that he wanted enough for him to be with you.....

that no longer troubles or distorts your mind anymore....

like its this calm thats filled with pride for having found him in your life lived him loved him like just happy that it was him......

just happy that Him happened in your life...!

It never was bout making sense....

neighbour leaves she comes to your room asking you but what sense did it make when he has moved on and him telling you the same....

it was never was making sense or loving him trying to make sense of that love.....

it never was bout being loved back and then loving him....

it never was bout you deciding to continue  to love or when to discontinue and move on.....

the love in you the him that you breathe and live with is not never bout trying to make sense of.... there is still that sense of smthing complete even with the incompleteness charlie.....

its still where you can live him its that freedom to live him without havign to explain someone or get away from smting to live him.....

you can just be and live him.....

there is no one nothing holding you back from it its not smthing that you need to reach out like you had to this morning in teh dream.....

you dont have to struggle to reach out to your moments of living him you just can.... you dont have to share that space of feeling his presence with anybody else....

like you know if its a touch you feel a smell you smell or sniff you just know its him, will be him.....

if its a presence you sense you know for sure it just will be him.... even be it with eyes shut, you just knowwww !!

The Him, you live now...!

there is that thing charlie that has been there all these years until now..... till that chat with him a month back....

that one wait in some corner of you with that someday written all over the wait.... like in boldest of capslock someday written over that wait of decade now....

like you dont intentionally think or take it to be that way but whoo hota nai nai maloom nai sochke bhi there is that smthing thats still there.... taht "someday" was for you !!

in that wait of decade.....

and after that chat or words spoken that wait that someday was instantly deleted....

like just vanished disappeared from andaar see he.....

like you dont feel it anymore.....

and yet that love is smthing that will stay for life.....

like you over love relationships attachments and all that stuff.... but now your version of love is completely different to what it had been all this while for all these years now.....

now its all different....

and that moment today that waking up sort of did wake you up to what you were just bout to do.... like it did guide you put you on the right track.....

and today like you just needed to be on your own not for work for yourself....

and even at workshop through the work n all of it your mind still lost in what you just felt this morning.....

home and the first thing head to your moms room.....

sit down on the floor and tell her by starting of with just be my friend today not my mom in this moment just be my friend.....

like that just to say it felt different like it all changed in an instant even just saying it.....

and the first thing you had to tell her was what he told you..... and you tell her that he has moved on and will be getting married.....

and now your side of story....

there is this guy that i met decade back.....

someone i wasnt prepared to meet or ever thoguht i would..... especially when then you were bout to take that step in your life that which you dint decide for yourself....

and this guy just walked in and even without seeing him his face it just made you stand still..... like to just stand there and witness your being life your world you yourself being changed forever was smthing you werent prepared or had slightest idea of.....

but from that sec on the more you lived him in and around  your presence teh more it left you like you were being touched away with and in his presence....

like you all of you experiencing that transition inside.... like smting in you was changing day after day moment after moment.....

we dint talk initially just those glances from across the room random one sec of look and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of beign drawn to him just by the way he would stand in one corner and ekdum see lookup at you and stay that way for a sec.....

and then get back to his workout......

to those wlaking beside him and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel inside like all of you was being drawn to him...... to those first few words and the way he made you feel like youve always known him.... like those initial talks to the way his presence was making all of you inside outside smile happy.....

for the first time you werent scared of being touched or being close to him.... even him being around and mazaak mazaak mein would ekdum se get even closer and yet that fear wasnt there.....

but that one comfort that one smthing like youve always been used to his presence used to being that close to him......

there was that sense of belonging even much before you spoke to him or heard him.....

that one beautiful sense of belonging to him..... the waaaaaaaaaay you were being drawn to him even without knowing what it was bout why it was the way it was......

even while talkign all this charlie not even for once do you realize you were actually talking to your mom bout it cause thats how lost you were in just that hour like looking away and just living him in your mind as you talk bout him...... to just feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel that !!!!!!!!!!!!!

SMTHING ELSE !!!!!!!!

being vocal bout everything youve felt for him even before you knew him.....

to actually sharing what and how his touch changed it all for you.....

like today you did decide to actually tell her what he meant to you in your life.... and how it cannot be anybody else for you now.....

liek you obvsly dont share the details.....

but that need to tell her how the more you were with him he was making you his not wanting you to make his but just by the way he loved you which even she never did, he did make you his.....

like you were loved in a way you never have been and to just be loved by in every way possible it was only making you wanna be everything to him.....

to sharing your moments with him over the terrace when he wpuld come lost and then becoming his mommy to the bup......

to the other part of loving and living him......

telling her how you still feel him even in places in your sleep like there is this world of him that you still live soon as you shut your eyes..... like he is there when you are unwell or have had a bad dream like you feel his presence even she couldnt manage to be there with you......

like you feel him when you need him the most when you miss him the most......

he no longer is someone that just was a part of your life, he is the blood that rushes through you the air you breathe the love you live for and live with......

how her touch still discomforts you shakes you up and his ever since the first time has smthing that has only calmed you and mostly awakened a side of you that only comes with him.....

like you literally tell her how you dont feel a thing miss a thing otherwise and she immediately asks you not even if you see smthing in movie or for anybody even if you look around..... and you tell her you almost feel like there is nothing no sense in you like its all numb and that only did happen with him.....

like that side of you is only smthing that you lived with him, a you that he alone knows of.....

and you still feel him smtimes in ways even with eyes shut.....

like you still feel complete even in his absence.....

and i swear charlie you shouldve seen her face in that moment as you at her finally to see your reaction like she only wanted to hear more.....

and you tell her bout the dream this morning how that moemnt that realization of not being to find him smell him live him in that gulmohar visual breaks you......

and that was the kind of life you never wanted to live......

cause that wouldve been way worse than what you are dealing with right now.....

this you this way of life is still smthing that lets you live him just as you want to love to life with......

i wont survive it, if its bout me then let me choose the way i want to live..... and you still tell her you would still go ahead even after this but you wont survive it.....

the him in you is not smthing thats just a part of you anymore......

its your way of life the blood the happiness the air the everything that you are made of, that which completes you in the most beautiful and wordless of ways.....

holds you cries her heart out.... and still crying that question are you happy for him and that one feeeeling the sec she asks you that like it instantly puts a smile on yoru face with that one thought one word.... always !!!!!!!!

still hugging her you speak out for him telling her how much he had been through and the only thing youve always wished for is for him to be happy......

and actually tell her how he is everythign to you, from your only love to bestfriend to your daddy you never had and your kid too !!!!!!

and with these many people in your life that you have and blessed wth there is no way you could see yourself with someone else.....

even breathing the same air with that shadow this morning shook you in the worst possible..... finding yourself that close to someone where you couldnt smell his presence.....

was smthing that in a way showed you a glimpse of the nightmare you were alsmot walking clsoe to just for your mom !!!!!!

to more sharing of him and the after was still holding you tells you she didnt know love could be this too.... what and how he loved you like and how her daughter loves him now.....

thankfully the doorbell rings neighbour comes over with some building committee party invite thing and she gets busy with that and you in your room to get away from everything and closer to him.....

up the volume of his music and just be.....

to just be vocal charlie to say out how much you missed him to even realize how much of him did you actually become even as you were talking those moments of yoru own transition to her.....

to just realize aishaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa innneee kab itttaaaaaa sab ban gayaaa.....

its just that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful feeeeeeling charlie to set yourself free......

to just be able to say out what you alwasy wanted to to just be able to get it out of you......

its a beautiful form of freedom.....

setting yourself free setting that corner of you freee.....

that one hidden corner that you couldnt say out couldnt get it out of you.....

and when you finally do that feeeeeeeeeling is smthing else.....

to just be vocal bout this is how much he means to me you world..... this is what it is and the way it is.....

and nothings no one is going to change that for me.....

this is how i chose to be, live with.... and will !!

This time it was for final...

this thing has happened many a times her saying smthing over n over again.....

but the way this time you felt you couldnt possibly come out of it.....

like just that thought that weird feeeeeling kept you up for quite long and not sure when you actually slept......

but this one dark room like the slighest bit of light that you cuold see on yoruself as you were standing against some wall being held by someone and that weird feeeling cause it didnt feel familiar dint feel him..... the way it wasnt comfortable it wasnt smthing that calms you down....

it wasnt him......

and before you could make sense of that moment you see a hand over your shoulder and the waaaaay that hand that touch shakes you up in the worst possible way cause all that while you keep breathing sniffing around to smell him and it wasnt his smell it was somebody else..... that hand wasnt his the touch wasnt his.....

it was somebody else.... as it comes closer to your face the hand holds your face you try to move away like try to get out of there and as you look to your side there was this window and right outside were gulmohars and it was raining that weird feeeeling as you reach out your arms towards the gulmohars trying to wanting to be out in your mind still with that feeel of wanting to live him living the gulmohars in rain..... and you couldnt move the hand wouldnt let you move.... and you try to push the man back like  you couldnt any of the man standing but that one blur that shadow and just the hand trying to hold your face and keep checking again as it was troubling your mind away how could it be anybody else as its always been him.... how could that hand be of somebody elses how oculd that smell be not of him.... like how could it all be somebody else and you couldnt feel him you couldnt reach to living him to that visual of the gulmohars in rain......

like you just wnated to out and live him in rains and youcouldn move yourself away from there with that hand constantly tryin to touch you and you couldnt move it away even as you push the hand making sure it dosnt touch you......

and that one put in all you could kinda push to move the hand away from your face and you wakeup.......

that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling i swear when you wake up and realize it was just a dream......

prolly the first time ever you couldnt thank enough for having woken up from a dream.....

like that one waking up today was smthing youcould never be thankful enough all your life.....

to just realize all that was a dream, it was just a dream......

like that one moment it really did wake you up from what you were just botu to do......

head out first thing and tell your mom youll be home soon from work today as you wanted to  talk to her.....

she had that biggest widest smile on her possible but you sure knew what you had to do.....

like thsi time you actually wanted to sort it out for once.....

and never have to asnwer that one question again.....

Not sure to put the title either...

last few days were tough like there was a point when you dint even know how to come out of it !!!!!

mom unwell and where the problem was gas the thing that usual takes up their mindspace is always major and this time it was some heart related thing that takes her mind up....

one thing leading to the other and you sure knew what was coming next.....

with day another day and days back who triggered that conversation with her still got no clue but when she asks you to sit down for a bit is when you know thats one loudest tunggg possible !!!!!!

one thing to the other senti talk holding you and before you know that one request she asks you for.... to get married like she says it in a more detailed way which you would rather avoid writing out.... but that one thing is all she wanted was where it ends......

like for the first time she asked you in that way and more so requesting you to !!

get off head to work get your manager to take care of the rest and head bak home immediately.....

prolly the same day or day before is when you again felt him in the most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful way possible !!!!!!!!!!!!!

again not writing out for the reasons now.....

cause in your mind in your dreams the him you feel feels yours.... just yours.....

but the sec you start to write out now it all feels weird cause in this state you are still much awake.... like you know the reality of it !!

also the reason why you struggle to not write stay away from writing your own mind out......

feels ajeeb now......

soooooo yahhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!

like she gives you a week time to think over it.....

like this time for real....

and as days go by this weirder feeeling grows just lookin at her though it was just gas nothing serious but the way she asked you for smthing for the first time....

that weird helpless feeling for the first time...

only yesterday after the waking up again your mind again that beauuuuuuuutifully full of him....

through the day you just be home raining on n off and that weird state o fmind knowing two days more....

and this one thing your manager talked bout last week over some conversation that there is this belief that if you really want smthing like that bad you need to give smthing you love most food wise and make that wish or smthing that youll quit that one food thing for an year if it works....... you dont say or feel the need to comment anything  more over it as it ws some random conversation....

only yesterday as she comes over with some work and stays at your place wit late work to finish and gets beer too..... and puts it aside and you just take it.... try beer for the first time level up i say.....

a sip and it actually tasted good like from breezer to budweiser progress i say but after last nite again never drinking beer again !!!!!!!!!

soo yaah and you ask her the thing she was talking bout quitting a food thing for an year making a wish of smthing does it all really work..... and she confirms saying it has worked for her 100 cent.....

and that very sec get off and head over to the terrace with some plumbing work on theyve had it open for days now.... head over and just be with his music close your eyes and the first food thing that you could see was rice.....

like you could do without anything at all anything what so ever non veg sweets chocs but this one thing is like one complete food meal for you - rice !!!!!

like kuch bhii khaalo rice nai khaaye tho its like meal incomplete i say.....

and that very sec you knew that was one thing that will be the most difficult to quit cause it also was that firs thing that popped in your mind with that wish ringing through you......

shut your eyes makes that wish and rice it was...

be there for a while and as it starts to rain head back home.....

mum still waiting and almost going to bed says that word that you were expecting hugging you away two more days till you decide.....

kaisaaaaaaaaaaaa aisaaaaa decide karo bolteeh when they already give you that limit to say a yes anyway.....

once done back to your room and that weirder feeeling gets worse as you were almost down a beer.....

that weirdly waaay more than just typsy ........

that one thing in your mind that you are stepping away from him like in your mind you still knew what you were going to do even if you took that step for her.....

like it would have definitely been just for her.....

cause in this life there was no waaaaaay it could be anybody else than him for you......

like you know it in you..... you know you when it comes to this aspect of your life that well !!!!!!!!!

blooody damn welll !!!!!!!

but that feeeeeling still there and when the second beer opens up and before you know she was asleep and you head out in your place with her phone and stuff still there.....

up the volume of his music and just be watching the rains.....

that one wish that strongly to just hear him once.....

before you have that talk with yoru mom today to just hear him once.....

keep living the rains and one look at your managers phone still there......

he wouldnt know anyway that its you it would just be one call to just hear him once before you take this step.....

to just hear him once.....

and the sec you take her fone to dial his number i swear charlie this only.......

unless you do smthin you dont really know the beauty of it merku aaaj tak mera number hee yaad nai rehta malooom like theres no number that i could possible remember and his number been a decade almost since youve dialled to call and the sec you actually do like it just goes.....

you dint even have to think or recall for a sec tak tak bolkeee you just dial off and not sure if it did ring or smthing but that one strong tungggg rings through you WHATS THE POINT !!!!!!!!

he could be with someone as it was an odd hour and the waaaay it all just felt that worse......

cut the call and just be !!!!!!!!

up teh volume of his music delete his number off her fone as she wakes up to the sound of music saying smthing walks out of your room and sleeps out instead....

stay for longer and to jsut get your mind off get on youtube to watch some doc and the first thing you see is my sassy girl song recom on the side......

moments like these you just donnooooooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just doonnooooooooooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soo full !!

when you are this full of smthing be it love be it conversation or feeling or just that smthing that you are not sure where to even start from.....

like  to just be vocal bout him prolly for the first timee in detail like this was smthing else !!!!!!

like smthings you only realize the beauty of it when you actually live it for real...

and then makes you go beautifully numb still wondering whoa that was smthing else !!!!!!

smthing like youve never experienced before !!

waaaaay beyond the beauty of the most beautiful words bhi...

to just be vocal bout him...

and in ways you thought you never would like your state of mind state of complete you for that matter like in that complete one Him zone as you speak bout him and feeel yourself losing all the more in him.... in almost a flow like state !!

and once done this feeeeeeeling now soo full of smthing that beautiful that beautifully ironic like you cant dont really know where to even start from...

is when you know the only thing that could set this state of you free is to write the feeeling down....

and just set it free...

Fcking loved HIM !!!!!!!!!!!

i fcking loved him charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so baaad soo madddddddd all of me every bit of me loved evry lil bit of him !!!!!!!!!!

even his bad his worst his most beauuuuuuuuuuutiful all of him !!!!!!!!

but this him you dont know amymore.....

it was there all this while it only took you all this while to actally realize it !!!!!!!

ever since that movie that scene of the way she walks runs to him and hides away in his t and that memory recall of his just before leaving for bangalore moment of yours.....

like you could just runn to him just like that like you could touch him hold him wherever whenever you wanted to that is when you were just with him......

like you could just !!!!!!!!

without the fear talk to him be with him hold him share yourself with him like youcould just......

it all changed everytime that you met after bup there were moments then after the moments there was that sense of smthing bak again tha hesitation if you oculd touch him again hold him onemore time again if you could msg him again after the meet like if its okay to msg cause call thooo you oculd never again as you were blocked on that tooo.....

there was that sense of moving back after having been that closest to him.....

and you would almost forget most of the times and after moments too that rush that need to hold him one more time and you go close and wiat for his facial expresison like it says a go and only after you hold him and if he still insists you leave you just step out and that wiat everytie came with sinking with that one sinking feeeling what happened in few mins like just few mins back you were holding him chummming him away and then suddenly like you needed that permission that go from him as you wait there and he just looks at you knowing whats rushing through you and holds you or jus nods away like you could !!!!!

to those chats after him moving bombay...... like you could never ak him if he could come online cause you mised him or msg him or call him was the biggest of deals......

this wasnt the kind of love you knew you were used  to lving loving him as.....

i fcking loved him charlie wnated al of him to wnat all of me wanting to know be with every lil detail of me where you could just walk upto him when you miss him hold him when you want to mesg call when you wanted to knowing you could to jsut knowwwwwwwwww damn that he loved you that you were loved that you could allowed to love him.... like you know to just love live with that will knowing you could !!!!!!!!!!!

without any fear.......

without that initial hesitance of hands shivering cause he msgs after months or years of not knowing how to what totalk initially...... what if this time he had something worse to say what if this time it hurts you even more ..............

what if this time he leaves again........

you know loving a love without all of these and to just loooooooooooveeeeeeeeeee fckiiiiiiiiiing loooooooooveeeeeeeeeeee him like you could you used to he used to ..............

to just love !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he had his reasons and then found and maybe this phase now is yours to find.....

to find thsi strength to find this you thats beyond and more than just love relationship people letting you breaking you down like getting a lil selfish in life....

and jst going with what feels yours now.....

this him charlie that i live be it in those senseless dreams that i find him beside breathing smiling holding smtimes just living your presence holding that one finger of yorus away or touching away your freshly shaved hands just as he used to back then....

to just living him in tgose lilst of moments through the day.....

that those moments feel yours those set you free those make you happy.....

even if they mean nothing in real even if they dont make sense or dosnt have that validation of his presence actually there..... it means the world and life to you !!!!!!

cause in those moments you are free of the fear the hurt the feeling of strnageness if you could or shouldnt kinda things !!!!!!!

like you are you and he is the him that still loves you and more importantly lets you allows you wants you to love him be there with him......

theres no fear but that beautiful sense of freedom in those moments......

even this morning still that sleepy his msuic playing on the lowet sound possible and to just see him beside on the other pillow of yours and the waaaaaaaaaaaay he moves the pullow actually like you know gettng that soft spot in the pillow to get comfy and then places his head again and again that same discomfort on his face as it wasn that comfy and you try to push your hand through the pillow like adjust it and the waaaaaay he just pust his face over your hand and jsut stays that waaaaaaay smiiiiiiiiiiiiiling that smile at you like you could feeel his warm breath over your hand his daaaaaaaaaaadi giving that beauuuuuuuutifl tiicklish feeeeeel on and over you rhand as he keep smovign his face over your hand as he could see it was making you smile it was amking you haapppy just feeeeeeeeeeeeling his daaadi.... like you just bee that waaaaaaaaaay feeeeeeeeeeling his presence living his presence with that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him and same way actually fall asleep.....

and when you finally wake up that one pillow right infront of your face that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeling as you seee it a lil sinken in with those creases over it and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!

taking your madness to another level and smell the pullow there was no smell of his but that another sniff aorund and that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his preence still in the air......

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

these moments this him that you live through is your happiness.....

your world just like youve always known always loved and were allowed to live and love as !!!!!!!!!

The wave...

that wave that refused to change.....

this new thing bout brushing your hair striaght like youve been struggling ~!!!!!!!

like literally struggling cause it just dost stay put and this morning getting ready for work with his music playing and you standing before the mirror brushing your hair striaght and this one strand of hair springs back into a wave fataak see....

and that one lilst sec of strange happy moment that puts a smile on your face....

you cant change that bout you after all now !!

and you jsut let it be....

as wavy half starigt it wanted to be so be it.....

once out like its always been after waking up from dreams like these like you can just feeeeeel him that much more breathing rushing through you through the day.... no matter how much you hide away from your mind like its sjust that beuatifully there......

diff diff instances and that struggle to just ignore them and not flow with it..... like you were sort of in away training your own mind to get a hold on your self just so you could be normal again.....

like you know not feel pain hurt or that incomplete thing like to just be normal and be okay with it....

and these few instances today too and at this one store just bout to get out and you just see some guy standing outside the store navy shirt jeans with that beauuty of his daaaaaaaadi and that one saaaaaaaaaaaaaame smileeeeeeee o fhis through the daaaaadi that youd seen in the lift back then exact same face right outside and that very sec the song on the radio that very same sec yaad kiya dilne kaha ho tum plays.....

stay in the car live that moment of living him in your mind in that moment as the song plays.....

chuck the plan of going to the store and instead jsut some driving away not knowing where to go....

like you just wanted to be kahi biii not just get out and having to talk or do something and just be instead.....

look around and it happens many many times no matter where you look some similairty some moment that maes you feel he is standing there crossing the road dirivng by in the next car beside you or just at the corner table of the coffee shop working on the laptop and you just be living that moment with just that sense of smthing in you.....

maybe had a smile on too with just that feeel of him......

on your way bac home that feeeeel you cant fight run hide away from whats you....

from whats really you now !!!!!!!!!!!!!

so youll just roll with what and how it makes you feeel and jsut learn grow to be stronger cause in that moemnt for the first time in a long long time you felt stronger from within....

cause after those moments of thinking of living him in some random moments there was no missing really like you didnt feel that pain that thing bout how much you miss seeing him and were sort of just liivng and flowing with the reality now......

learning to live love the version of him that is with you...

and not look for hope for wait for the version that you dont know anymore.........!

The unsaid words...

a breezer down and this one song you stumble upon.....

not sure if youll even hit a publish for this one but just this feeeeeeeel to write a letter that goes unposted unsent or unsaid.....

to Him...

to think of it now charlie all this while like you spend that kinda time with yourself like you know realllllly spend that kinda time especially in these most loved hours of his - the late nites...

when its all soo quiet around that quiet that you could almost hear your heart speak...

cause through the day amidst all that sound and chaos around its the mind mostly the mind thats all you can hear..... its in these few hours when its all this quiet nobody to disturb or break intrude this space of yours when you can really could really hear your heart speak....

like you know living every bit of those details all thsi while....

and this feeling last few days and the way sort  of this music only was guiding along !!

some words some sounds again...

do that to you !!

it really does come down to this quote from the same film that you come across in the comments as per usual under the video.....

sometimes it is more important to feel strong that just to be show pretend to be strong...

the song goes and this strange strong need to just write him in your mind like write smthing to him in your mind what exactly you feel now now that its gone !!

like even if it was there it wouldnt have made any sense to you anymore.....

this heavy heart feeeeeling all this while !!!!!

its like you climb up walk down a long long time and suddenly you reach that dead end with that lost blank state of mind not knowing why what you were doing there all this while.... what were you after when there was nothing at all !!!!!!

this is that point !!

every meet after breakup any kind of slightest communication or any try of yours to be close to him be there for him cause your dream made you do so that fear of some occurrence be it news or anything made you be there for him to just know if he is fine like that sall you hoped wanted expected wished for......

to those realizations of anybody absolutely anybody was let in within his limits within his boundary but you..... like you were nowhere close to and always being pushed away.....

without even knowing what your fault was !!!!!!

these words rushing inside of you this urge to just talk to him say it out today more than ever.....

like not sure if it was that restlessness of the recent worst weather condition and that worst feeeeling of not knowig if he is okay if he is safe and you couldnt do a thing bout it neither oculd you ignore it all......

like today you actually in your place picture him in your mind and were actually talking to him sipping the breezer away.....

and some guitar sound from closeby starts to play and that one ting that one sound breaks that flow and is when you realize you were only talking toyourself.....

is when this need to instead write out just say it out came with taht rush !!!!!!
 

Straight hair after years !!!!!

on your way home and just at the start of your gate there was this beauty of a light missing like gone off and it made that one pitch of a placethat beuatifully dark and the way the lights on your window made that complete frame look that beauiful with trees hovering over and just when you stop the driver to take the pic and through your fone you realize it was almost the same visual from the dream this morning....

like that exact frame from the dream where you see him walking in the white shirt and khaki trousers with his and whennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn you suddenly realize how some visuals even reliving it now were almost setting your dream free too in words..............

sooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exact same visual and you get off again and instead walk home as they leave with your mom still saying smthing bout you getting drenched in the rain again.....

but that neeeeeeed to just soak away today.....

maybe it was that feeel of the news still disturbing you bout the bad rains and flood situation in bombay and that feeeeeel of him and you couldnt do a thing bout it..... maybe it was your own way of smthing that you dont even know what it was bout.....

walk bac home to the sound of his music and soon as you reach home.....

much expected drama of you gettin drenched and by then sneezing too and your mom tries to dry you and makes you sit with her as she brushes your hair and detangles the knots away combing straight and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him again as you shut your eyes and struggle not to relive that moment and just be and that struggle the way you keep nodding away with eyes shut tryng to not relive him in that moment with that moment with him......

and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling as if only his hands in yoru hair as he tries to tie a plat and then switches to tying pilkas and then looks at you chuckles awaaaaaaaaay adooooooooooooooorably watching you and that khushiii in him as today you struggle not o relive.....

and the sec you relive him from that moment making you smile and that feeeeling.....

some habits itttiii jaldi nai jaate after all....

reh rehke jaate but will def do your best to !!

to once done back to your room in yoru space up the volume of his music and head out to your place for a bit and back in as it gets more cold and your sneezes dont stop.....

and that one look in the mirror your hair that straight for the first tme in years lip color again that one thing he wanted you to that badly nude lip colors which only now you sort of love wearing like the only color or shade of lip color you reach out to the one that he that badly wanted you to try back then..... soooooooooo yahhhhh  everything else still there kajal smudged away but that one change in you with straight hair like you see yourself that way after a very very long time....

and this one loud smthing from your mom saying karelaaa khaale karely..... and you literally run out asking her what she jus said.... and says cause she has been mad at you for getting drenched and all was covering up for it and you ask her again what did she call you and tells you that it was bout karela and wanted you to eat it and all and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe it was you like actually it was you.....

still that unsureness but that one feeeeeeeeeeeel of some sounds i swear.....

it just made you that happy for that sec.....

back to your room and save the day away.....

it was one day with too many moments of beuaty and those few moments of change trying to change...

hoping some day you do !!

got weirder !!!!!

only now you as you put up the pics do you realize you still had his face on !!!!!!!!!!

changing this too away next tme se pakka !!!!!!!!

the one expression your friend hates you putting up in pics or even as she tries to take a selfie or smthing but that one thing that very expression another one of your most looooooooooooooooved of his !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

his nose twitch face cause that was the very first expression that you made you want to live him for longer and like was the start of discovering that beuaty of living him and his beauuuuuuuuutiful details.....

that one expression of nose twitch the very start of that one beauuuuuuuuuuutiful journey of living him and his lilst of details...

As good as a nun madly in love...!

you know charlie there is this thing bout having chosen a certain way or path of life to live...

and then there are moments that you make you live this change this choice of yours that youve made in life.....

and trust me there is no other beauty apart from that actual beauty of ab ab sometimes writing him bhii ajeeb lagraa....

soooo yaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!

there is this beauty of some moments that random and yet that special to you alone.....

after the jewellery place few other things to buy and you were close by to this white  temple that you loved.... and tell your mom you wanted to be there.....

it was evening almost and still raining that bad.....

once there your mom gets down and waits for you at the steps and you in ishaara tell her youll be out again mad at your sudden change of plan she heads inside and you stay outside in the rains.... just standing in that one corner and this one light above as you look up the waaaaaaaaay you could see literally seeee every each n every drop of rain falling over you under that light....

it was that beauuuuuuuuutiful to visually live that moment to the sound of his music like thats the only thing you hide away inside your jacket your fone with his music playing... apart frm that watch everything else getting soaked.....

to live that moment was smthing else.....

and this one sound of aarti and there were this bunch of ladies placing large number of diyas at the entrance of the temple singing some arti away with that some instrument in hand that you use for aartis..... walk by there and as they ask you to place a diya too and you just nod and stand out with them still whispering either you must be on your perido or just not interested with again your earfones plugged in....

and you just stand there live that beautiful vibe of those diyas that sound of that instrument and walk back to your place and just sit down with eyes shut looking up at the rains.....

those few mins there that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee of him like you were literally that fulll of him like that one calm after a very long time inside you that was just making you smile for no reason at all.....

today prolly was the first time charlie when that change in you that you decide bout that you wont be reliving the us'ness in your mind in your moments in nothing at all and today was that first moment of it lived....

cause all these years there has been this thing instead when you live such moments thre are those flashes of him through some moment or memory that rushes through you.....

and today there was no memory no moment reliving in that moment and yet that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him wit just that one smileeeeeeeee of his where toooo happy and his nostrils would flare up with that tiny wing kinda thing.... and this you even told him that his smile gives ting wings away to his nose.....

cause when tooo happy it used  to make his nostrils flare up a lil and that agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain used to make him all that much much moreeeee beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful !!!!!!!!!!!

today in those few mins it was that winged nostril smile of his that you were full with !!!!!!!!!!!

and just reliving that one smileeeeeeeeee of his put a smile on your face....

your mom out and you by then completely soaked goes on saying smthing and you still lost in all him.....

on your way out there were these couples on the side to many others on the bikes cuddling holding huuggin away and you look away with no feeeling nothing in you....

again usually it usedto make you relive your closeness your hidig away in him but today like you dint feel a thng inside you....

nothing at all !!!

having stayed refrained yourself away from feeeling or relivng those moments with him for obvious reasons you already were living in a certain way.... and now with this change tooo the way it feels like you finally ar ealmost like that one nun thats madly in love with someone.... and yet a nun !!

its different theres no complains no hope no expectation no wait nothing at all !!

and yet its this strange beautiful calm that youve managed to attain over the last few weeks or nites mostly !!

its different its new nothing like youve ever been like.....

no daru nothing at all and just this different it feels already.....

to on your way home this one bus of students where the girls on yoru side just smiles away at you as you live the rains with your face out and the girls too do the same from the bus and as the bus slowly srtarts to move as the signal goes green one girl waves at you.....

all those moments of holding yourself getting that calm back was sort of lost for that moment for a sec in that moment.....

exactly same moment lived with him back then on a drive....

driving away to somewhere and nowhere and that usual thing of him holding you away with your head over his shoulder and this one bus overtakes and thegirls from thebus point towards the car and start to wave and in ishaara do that nice couple thing with their hand.... and as you wave back at them the waaaaaaaaay he holds you closer and chummiss awaaaay your forehead with that sudden khushi in him.....

this only the sec you write smthing that you dint intend to and realize you were doing it again.......

holding yourown hand mind all of you awaaaaaaaaaay !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOME MOMENTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The C ring or the wave ring...!

last few days this news about rains in bombay again and you keep checking and then avoiding and then checking again....

only today that news of bad floods and still rains heavy finally disturbs you again....

only this time you had to keep it to yourself and that struggle..... with that state of mind after the dream and then the news on tv that your mom was watching as you were just bout to leave for work....

and you stay back watching the news and skip the work today.... stay home almost noon and your mom talks bout going shopping for a few things....

put back the news app that you deleted and update the location of news to check....

every few mins the video posts bout the floods in bombay and that feeeeeeeeeeeeling..... everytime your fone tings with that news update....

up the volume of his music and look up with that one smthing wish it was hope it was pray it was no sure but that one feeeeeeeeling - to take care of him......

hoping he is fine.....

and that very sec it starts to rain ekdum seeee that bad !!!!!!!!!

whoo hota nai charlie eldum movie wala sceene upar dekha and whoo some upar wale ne wish poori kardi fataaak se hero ki bas same to same just that meere case mein uneee bilkul nai suntaa bas aaj that feeeeeeling was there.....

strange mad but that sense of beauty of that moment....

put the windows down and just live the rains on the face with that feeeeeeeeeeeeel of him still on your mind rushing through you by then.....

but there was that strange sense of he is fine ekdum seee like from that weird struggle restlessness ekdumm see with the rains there was that sense of calm inside.....

and before you know it was at some jewellery store....

and you ask your mom what it was bout and she talks bout buying smthing for you as she has been trying to but you dont end up picking gold....

and this time as it was festival she wanted to !!

abbb kyaaaaaa samjhaana !!!!!!

take it to be another change that you flow with.....

once there she looks for earrings chains and you look over at the rings on the side....

and this one tiny beautiful ring on one corner and at the same section your mom likes another for you....

asks the guy to bring one and you ask the guy to bring that one that had caught your attention.....

and as places both the rings calls your liked ring as the wave design ring.... only when you see it from close it was C ring...

it had that beuatiful lil C over it and to them it was more like the waves of the ocean....

and that feeeeeeeeeeling again both same nai....

both dont stay only !!!!!

put it on your finger and it was that perfect fit and the sec you see it that one lil khushiii rushing through you.... ever since having cut the tree charm off your wrist that weird feeeeeling inside like you donnoo what it is but that weird strange feeeeling inside.... and the tan line on the wrist only making itmore worse.... the sec you put the C ring on that one lil khsuhi and obvsly evident enough on your face your mom asking you to try the other wider ring holding your hand and putting the ring on the left ahnd and you pull it back and instead puts it on the right hand and you still lost in that C on your ring..... mom talking smthing bout the other ring that she liked and you that lost in the C !!!!!!

it was that beauuuuuutiful flow of moments charlie....

from living the rains just when you were feeeling that restless thinking bout him and his safety hoping he is fine and that very sec the waaaaay it starts to rain.... again logic says its monsoon man but all of you takes it to be that one moment that you needed that bad to calm yourself.....

to that moment of finding that one beautiful lil C that now is with you !!!!!!

finding that one lilst moment today again could be a random moment but after a start like today anything him even lilst bhiiii meant the world to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!

even a sec of Him today felt like pooori duniya mil gayiii !!!!!! 

Setting the pain free!!

like you live through the pain all these days weeks prolly and before you know it or realize through some news again that its been a month already....

again one of those times when you think you wont be able to get over or through the massive change this time you somehow again did make it...

how, thats another story only poora ka poora !!!!!!!!

only this time the change was enough in itself that you almost dint need any alcohol to get over or lose that state of mind...

and with more self searching soul searching hours of nite reading sometimes and mostly just by your place with his music playing this one reality that you cant change and hence you must only accept the way it is and live with it.....

and only this time stick with this side and way of your life too.... live the reality that it is now just like you did live that side of your most loved reality.....

again taking tooo much work than you can manage to location hunting to festive thing to this dream  today you wake up with.....

again one of its kind that you need to have to skip away writing but this one thing unique bout it that you wake up lietrally singing not just humming but singing one of his most loved songs.....

to that moment when you realize you woke up and still singing the song and whilst singing that need to look for him around cause again the dream felt that real REAL !!!!!!!!!

only to live a day like this one today......

this from now on will be a different version of your love for him...

where you are no longer going to or at least try not to live the "us" that you lived breathed loved through all these years a decade to be precise.... from here on that wont be there you wont from now on.....

your way of moving on as he wanted you to !!

but these lilst of moments and that feeeeeeeeeeel of him in these moments....

new moments and yet that feeeeeeeeeeeel of him still there that it almost made you come back home smiling after a very long time...

very !!