To the day !!

from that moment of waking up to trying struggling to get a hold on your mind from reliving that dream reliving that beauuuuuuuuuuuuty of his closeness.....

was a struggle !!!

like been years now since youve got used to waking up with his presence in his absence but ever since the last chat the way this waking up feels different..... years of absence but this change recently....

like you dont feel right after waking up from a dream of his cause it only makes you love him more makes you miss him more.... which all of that you need to get a control on....

and the waaaaaaaay it makes the day only that much more beautifully worse...

cause all you can think feel live is that beauty of his presence...

its that feeeeeling charlie soon after waking up to keep your eyes shut that way and just stay way just so you dont visually see the reality like you know still think it to be for real with eyes shut cause opening your eyes is literally feels literally like opening your eyes up now......

in the literal sense of the word !!

soooooooo yahh !!!!!!!

getting ready applying moisturizer and that feeeeel of his touch over your face holding your face liek that feeeeeel that touch of his stays hoepfully just for the day today.....

this level of madness when even as you write now this need to feel your own face !!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!

get ready and off to work and this one meet done and this bad jjam around gvk and just that need to be there....

ask the driver to take there instead.... the sec even before you get off open the door and just that lost looking at that ccd wala spot like that lost with his music still playing one ear plugged and the driver keeps asking you if you wanted to get off or go back cause there were cars behind too.... honking away....

and you get off and just stand there at that spot....

finally inside the mall and just walk around and this one smell right at the start of the fragrance section and that one pull....

go with the smell and there was this one female trying some fragrance on and that one spray again and that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully familiar....

ask the guy which perfume that was and the sec the guy mentions the name you decide to buy that and get it home....

it was carolina hererra 212 rose....

an updated version of the same 212 one that you used to back then....

just today after that movie scene after those memory relives that one feeeeeeeeeeeel of waking upto his smell this morning like there was tht moment adding that extra bit of him....

rush to the washroom open it up and spray yourself away and that one feeeeel cause it almost smelled like the same previous one that you had then....

the way akele akele it makes you smile away recalling how even years after he knew which fragrance you used to back then or stil with him when  you use the same parfume after a long back the waaaaaaaaay he smells it soon as you sit in the car and tells you that it was the same one that you used to back then.....

smell again just like words visuals and sounds.....

to sometimes when he would ask you to not use any fragrance just cause he wanted to smell you without any fragrance on !!!!!!!!!

where to where eeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like if these moments werent enough soon home and you get off and ask the driver to take the bags home and instead walk back home....

and this one kid that has moved on the same floor of yours and every morning comes over to say a hi when you step out to take the newspaper....

watches you walking while cycling away and cycles with you....

keeps askign you smthing and you had his music playing..... kittu moved out of city and this new kid strangely reminds you of the actual kittu....

curly brown hair big big eyes but not as beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful as his.....

and when you dont listen to what the kid was talking the way just stops the cycle and holds your hand and bites your palm away.... and smiles looking at you and runs away leaving the cycle there....

and with you now all the more lost in Him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

his most looooooooooooooved thing with you !!!!!!!!!

holding your hand when feeels toooooo mcuh waaaaaaay toooo much love for you would hold your hand and then look at you and smileeeeeeee the widest beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful smile of his and by that you know now he is upto smthing for sure....

and jus bite awaaay your hand and then look at you and show you his teeth....

this again not just his but did become your another one of his most loooooooved things !!!!!!!!!!!

today years after you live that not actually that that kinda moment but i mean there was no way anybody else would and this kid out of nowhere why today had to you still have no idea....

like you dont even talk much with that kid except for those morning chatters of the kid as it talks bout if holiday or no holiday and how some teacher of his scolded him while eating inside the class or anything random at all like the kids talks and you just sit there on the floor reading the newspaper as he goes on....

like those are your only interactions with the kid almost every morning and today that one moment again why made no sense....

like in that moment that very sec its his face his teeth his smileeeee his touch is all you could live in that moemnt !!!!!!!

kid runs away and you jsut sit there for longer and just be with his music.....

some days like you just donnoooooooooooooo what or how !!!!!!!!!

but this wait hope some day it just gets better some day....

what and how you feel today or been feeling off late, some day it gets better...

and less hurtful !! 

TO the dream...

the aftermath of watching this one film was smhing !!!!!!!!

THAT much him rushing through you like right from the very first start and this one track from the film again you dont get the complete meaning of it but that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him with the song !!!!!!!!!

this happens with some telgu songs even when you dont get the meaning of the complete song apart from the few things of even if the time changes my love for you wont or smthing like that and that one sense of longing with the song....

play it on and get on with reading the book again your way of trying struggling to get a hold on your mind cause by the end of the movie all those first time moments to landing back here today sort of had your mind all lost....

its this sudden one thing that keeps tinging now - what was all this even bout !!!!!!!!

like you reach the end of some road and then realize why it had you walking all this while taking that road only to reach that one to nowhere end of the road...

still wondering what the walk what the road was even bout !!

soooo yah back with reading with a still him high and yet lost state of mind.....

dint know when you slept and this one sound and movememnt on the bed and that need to sniff away and there he was !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that close to you that you could that strongly smell that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his presence.....

open your eyes and him right there a lil away in a olive green shirt with again buttons more open than close and that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his lush daaadi addding that extraa beauty to him.....

and the waaaaaaaaaay he just smileeeeees that smile and that rush in you as with that one smile of his came that magic of his stare and that sudden echo of his words forget us please..... and you try to move back and he comes a lil closer only smiling more and you move a lil more away and the way he tries to hold your face and you move your face awaay and move a lil more and yet again zabardasti see holds your face and you tell him trying move your face bhooljaaa leave me bolana tuu.... and you try to nod and keep moving back and this one time you were on the edge of the bed and just bout to fall off and he holds you pooora this time by your waist and pulls you closer and just chummiss away your nose jsut like back then he used to.... and stays again like always....

just stays still chummying your nose away and the waaaaaay it just holds all of you away no moving no sound no talk nothing.... just that one feeeeeeel touch of his presence.... and for a sec tha one chuckle of his saying abhii aankh bandh rakti karely.... and one word him calling you by his name the waaaaaaay it moves you and makes you open your eyes...

and again there was no him.....

the first thing even before smelling checking for his presence that need to touch your nose and this thing how what or why you can never make sense - absolute madness !!!!!!

your nose a lil wet not just the tip of your nose but all of your nose again exactly like he used to chummi all of your nose....

to that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his smell in the air still.....

get off and just be in your place watching the sun rise and realize it was that same golden hour having felt lived his presence the way he again did come at that very hour he used to come see you back then....

and of all the days yesterday or today morning cause again you missed him like never before...

there was you still complaining bout what he said and there was him answering it away with his love even be it in the dream for the moment.....

again left you with that space between your nose and the actual chummi just like the first time.... when the cement truck comves over and you waiting for that first chummi of your life !!!!!!

only to watch him that adoooooooooooooooooooooorably chuckling away at you and your position of lips out waiting for your chummi and then in ishaaraa shows you the cement truck behind and then nods away as you shy away saying timing nai....

someeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee moments some VISUALS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like it was just yesterday or maybe even just today !!!!!!!!!!!!

his expression him nodding away that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully and showing you the truck in ishaara !!!!!!!

whereeeeeeeeeee to whereeeeeeee oonly !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Making her stronger!

from the many things this one too....

making her stronger with the guys love....

like makes her realize and go after her ambition and tells her that th eguy is with her on this....

again smthing he unknowingly did.....

the first talk back of yours the first breaking of your fear from talking whats right did happen after breakup...... and despite of his absence in your life his love still there with you making you stronger.....

when that man says smthing bout him and abuses and you just ask that man to not a say word against him be it before you or behind you nothing no one says a word against him or bout him ever again....

and that makes a lot of changes which eventually lead to yoru decision bout either it would that man or you under the same roof....

to the many other decisions that you made it very clear even with your mom and people around....

this is the life you will lead and this is your decision...

like there was that one you that completely different back then and it was that same love of his that you still dint know of that made you take that decision of not getting married and instead call it off.... even though everybody else wanted you to there was that smthing that you already shared wth him....

and thats how you wnated to be and stay as with what and how you felt for him....

to the many decisions that happened after and through every discussion no matter what it is this one thing you will be this way and lead this way of life from here on....

this one thing charlie now that even he asked you to leave him forget bout him and all of that !!!!!!!

this one thing you cant change even if you try to.....

like its not smthing upto you !!!!!!

any more.....

not even if he wants you to !!!!!!

its strange to think of it all now this change in yoru life was smthing you never imagined back then - of all the things not being loved by him not having his love not being with him was smthing you never imagined back then....

but now that it is the way it is its his side of love that has changed yours still remains the same.....

how do you change that just cause he decided to change his....

all these years it wasnt bout loving him to some day get that love back from him....

it was it is just cause you donno anyother way but this way of life and love... Him !!

so from here on it will be that thing bout living him with eyes shut and then working on your work and what comes with it....

the way some movies make you feel like a flashback of your own life in some instances....

Promises !!

from the many moments there was this another one when the girl talks bout losing her brother she was closest to over some fight of the brother with other people and also why she dint want the guy to be the same way...... again smthing you did mention bout when he tells you bout his love for his psy beedi back then at opera.... cause your brother used to do the same and had issues with the same...

and the way he talks bout those being different to the ones he has and knows his limits and all !!

opera moments were that beuatifully different.....

like after moments of love it was this sharing to just be holding him and talking smtimes and mostly hearing him talk his heart out.....

and this one time talking bout psy beedi and the likes and you tell him you dint want to lose him and is why you were not sure bout that habit of his....

and the way holding you away he makes that promise ill always be with you youll always have me loving you like this and wont lose me for no matter what....

even as you write now THIS feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like words too can just sort of pull your hand away from writing further just cause of the waaaaaaaaaaaaay its making you feel now............

this moment here !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exactly why you dint wan to write !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOME habits !!!!!!!!

some habits you can never get over !!!!!!!!!

this sudden misseeeing and that need to see him and this one switch back to the reality....

some words forget us !!!!!!!!!

and this sudden blankness !!!!!!!

i swear charlie if it wasnt for the waaaaaaaaaay he came in the dream the waaaaaaaay the complete vibe of that dream was you wouldnt be here writing !!!!

cause this is one biggest change you are working on yourself !!!!!

to miss him to relive his details when you miss him but stay away reliving the us moments...... reliving the togetherness !!!!!!!!

that one thing you are still working on staying away from reliving....

again smthing that itself still made your life feel complete.....

but maybe he knew thats only how maybe youll stay away from him.... if you forget or at least stay away from missing the us !!

sooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!

there were many moments and again now most of which you just wanna skip away from writing.....

to this one moment when the girl says to the guy that the guy dint even remember her for the last three years that the guy dint meet her....

and to which the guy just walks out with that flashback of moments through that travel of the guy where the guy was documenting each n every day every moment talking bout places in dark places anywhere and everywhere that the guy missed her presence with....

like as if the though the guy was talking to her in those places bout how much he was missing her....

and thise whole tape thing the girl only much later on listens to as he gives it to her saying if she ever feels alone or scared or misses the guy in her life to listen to it....

that one chat when he sees you missed him that much as you cry out yur missing the very first sec you see him on skype.... the way he says sending some song to listen to his song when you miss him and find him close to you..... everywhere !!!!!!1

and that very sec the sec he says it like he just always like everything els eknew which word of his could just stop you from crying like that one word of his one elaboration of that song and you fataaak se stop crying and end up laughing away at his sudden loveness face !!!!

the story was more bout the guy being there for her with her even as she fights depression and that one line the guy says to her parents bout how they could not know their own daughter well enough to give her the right treatment instead of leaving her at the asyllum....

again the same line when he gets angry and upset over you not eating in that fight with your mom bout having said smthing to him....

and the way feeding you away say show can they not see how happy you are how much in love we are....

how can they not see this what we share.....

and through that journey of healing her the guy familiarizes her with sounds that the guy loved.....

smthings like they may seem nothing at all now as you write it but as you watch those very scenes this one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him !!!!!!!!!!

like how lilst of things was that strongly making you feel his presence those lilst of moments....

like you try to make sense of scenes cause the subtitles kept going on n off but the waaaaay it was making you feel even without the subtitles like that alone was enough for you to feeeeeeeeeel that beauuuuuuuuuty of Him through those moments....

like smthings directly dont have to connect like ditto to ditto but that vibe of some visuals some momemts and the waaaaaaaaaaaay it was making you live him as you watch the film.....

Visuals, films!!

like just by that one scene you sure knew this movie is going to be all mush and that was smthing you werent prepared for or wnated to watch any of it....

and yet there was that strange pull again that felt familiar to watch it anyway and after much confusion and unsureness finally give in....

right through the film there were a zillion moments from that way of pulling her by jeans closer and that very thing right at the start at the gym when you busy with some arm or some workout and he wanted all your attention not some part of it but all your attention the waaaay ekdum see he would pull your t shirt away and say smthing as you turn and this was when just friends and only after pulling you away does he realize what he just did.... and you adjust your tee and look around and then just walk away....

cause it felt different felt for the first time suddenly being that close to him and that feeling....

and the waaaaay after sometime he would somehow walk upto you and apologize for the same saying he was that used to with his sister with the same way and for the first  time did that with someone else....

there was that beauty charlie like ever since the start itself there was that thing bout him the way he usedto be with you like from the very start there was that thing like he could with you like he dint have to ask you or smthing but just could be anyway he wanted to with you..... like he just could !!

and the waaaaay he talks bout it looking yaha waha that one adoooooooooorable face was only the start of living that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his in moments like those..... like lil did you know you would get to live that one same expression of his doing things saying things and then realizing after doing that he shouldnt have and that one face he used to make the way that day it just made you that happy just watching his face in that moment....

where he was indirectly apologizing for doing smthing but instead there was you that happy just by living that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his !!!!!!

to that one same thing becoming a habit of his once in love pulling you closer by yoru clothes.... like wouldnt hold your hand or arm to pull you closer but with whatever you are wearing suddenly pull you closer with that..... an dthis he does again after the breakup for the first time in now you can say it the last meet....

now when you dont have to struggle with calling it as your recent meet....

soooooooooooooo yahhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in that meet at his other place when you come back to his room from washroom or smthing and you just standing by the bed with him still sitting and you looking for your fone or smthing it was looking yaha waha and the waaaaaaaay he ekdum see holds your jeans away and pulls you closer.....

that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling that one moment like you living a moment in thepresence in your mind go back to those zillion times he did the same bck then....

like you that lost in the moment him asking you why were you wearingsuch a loose jeans and still talking smthing bout it you just liivng him in that moment of holding yoru jeans away and close to him....

the waaaaaaaay he was just holding it and complaining bout why dont you get it fixed or smthing and you jus that lost in him and in that moment.....

and only when he looks up watches you that lost in him that one nod that one smiileeeeeeeee of his !!!!!!!!!!!!!

skipping the next and the rest awaay............

smthinsg you write and this sudden feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling it fills up with !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

moments !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exactly whyyyyyyyyyy you keep off from writing aaj kal cause one word of him one moment of him and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it all just starts to flow !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even the ones you refrain from reliving and hoping you dont remember them either !!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The scene that lead to all HIM...

so the scene was the male lead at her place and the guy wearing an oversized t shirt asks her for a hug with arms wide open and she just comes over and inside the oversized tee hugs the guy away....

on the bike the guy sniffing away the tee with that smile on face....

at his place just before leaving for bangalore him trying to pick which one to carry along as you pack for him taking out stuff from his wardrobe and keeps changing before you for the first time.....

and you making the most of it just by standing there making the most of that beauuuuuuuutiful view....

with him not even knowing you were livign your most loved of your life - Him.....

and this one tee shirt of his he tries on and jokes bout how big it looked on him and tells you to check it on turns towards you showing you how big it was one look at his t shirt one look of his at his tee and then looks up at you with that one big different beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful smile on him and that one pulllllllllll in his smile in that stare of his off n away to him....

this is hwer ethe need for hindi comes over andar uskee t shirt mein and hold him awaaay.....

there was that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel living him for the first time that way him that adooooooooorably changing away before you and you looking smtimes not looking and then wanting to look again and that one sec of his stare in that tee of his was like setting up that misssing him in his presence freee....

and you just hold him awaaaaay and the waaaaaaay he like always knew just by your touch by your hug that you missed him in his presence the waaaaaaay still holding you asks you ittaaa miss karri......

the waaaaay he just hodls you awaaaaaaaay again one of those first times a hug like that one a living him like that one.....

and the way he says after a moment or two lived after..... that he would anyway carry that tee with him even if he dosnt wear it.....

to some meet after opera again one of those first time kind of opera meet the first thing he tells you on the fone aftr reaching home that he smelled all you his shirt him smelled like you were still with him.....

and he actually dint put that one shirt of his for wash for a few days just cause it smelled like you.....

it was that beauty of living moments knowing moments like these feeeelings like these exist too.... like there was you wanting to see him and also hiding away from seeing him that way.....

that one feeeeeel to hold him touch him away and yet that one wordless smthing shy like thing you just live him dooorse.... and the waaaaaaaaaay like always even without knowing sets that misseeing of yours free and how !!!!!!!!!!

visuals this one loooooooove for visuals, sound and words....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay they can make  you feel is completely different and nothing that can not want you  to live that feeeeeling even be it for the moment....

like despite of another completely opposite reality running in life there is this one world that you live through be it random words, his music words sounds or visuals like these.....

like they happen just so they let you live him for the moment is what you believe and take em as to be !!

and not consider them as just random moments !!!!!!!!!

this one visual leads you to a much more beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully detailed him that you def werent expecting....

a nite like this one to a morning lik this one...!

This world of Him...!

there are facts there are things happening for real him telling you something asking you to get over and move on and then there is this one world of Him that you live breathe the sec you shut your eyes.....

off late been avoiding writing any of it cause you feel madder than befre everytime you write out a dream and still writing the way the words feel like happening for real and not in the dream sense of scenario and like happening for real real kinda thing...

to the other reason being when you know what the reality is for real and yet there is that need that smthing wordless smthing to feel the dream world of his to be more real than actual real....

like  to you that still is your only reality that you live breathe and life with...

this one movie like the songs been popping up and this one song that you loved the most cause it had those Him feels to it.... like you dotn get the complete meaning again being a telgu one but just that him vibes to the song and it becomes your most loved one...

this one too had that same him vibes to it and yet you dont really watch telgu films but just yesterday this one scene from the film one of your random friend puts up on her whatsapp story and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it leaves you with like there was most of you not wanting to see it and majority mostest of  you still that bad wanting to see it.....

and you finally give in last nite and watch it here online.....

movies have this thing again like he used to say it as that extension of reality !!

and this one movie not the story and everything but those lil instances and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just him like you were that fullllllll of HIM by the time you were done watching it !!!!!!!!!

like it was just Him through n through !!!!!!!!!!1

to the dream later and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling like always the waaaaaaaaaay he spends those moments in the dream with you as if though answering away your mind and thoughts that you that strongly felt on that very specific day....

like he is just there to answer them away and clear your mind out !!!!!!!!

even asyou write this now here goes the difference between reality and dreams...

exactly why you refrain from writing away your dreams knowwwwwwwwwwwwing just knowing !!!!!!!

be it the writing process and the way with every word the misseeeeeing gets madder and the aftermath of it to another level only.....

and yet as pointless as it now feels more than ever in your life still this need to write this one out...

cause it again this beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully connected to what all you felt through the film......

 

Stronger!

everytime you are this broken you think how will you even get back yourself together.....

but somehow everytime you come out stronger weirdly from the same feeling same situation similar words.....

this thing when you are unsure if he loved you more or wanted you to move on more.... cause both seemed that much THAT much !!!!!!

loved you that much and also that badly wanted you to move on !!

Visuals and him...!

his music playing your mind been off and lost lately.....

like its been running on its own space....

like in a world of your own.... not saying much not thinking much and just flowing with whatever its making you feel like....

evening lights evening sky that beautifully golden and shades of pink watching the birds fly against that beautiful backdrop and living him in that visual like your eyes looking for a bird lost in a flight of its own and then to live that visual to live him....

the most beauuuuuuuutiful human bird ever !!!!!!!!!

to this moment when these lights reflecting on the seat catches your attention and immediately off n away.....

wandering through his hall taking pics of his bachpan ka school book his name on the name tag to that trippy light setting on the wall to just feeling happy bout seeing that box of jim jam biscuit and banana chips still in the box.... that whole vibe of nothing of him changed after all !!

to once back to him in his room and the waaaaaaaaaaay he asks you kyaa karri thiii itti deer cause you were out to bring him water and got lost in all his beauuuuuuuutiful lilst details scattered around in his place and documenting away some of them....

wit that khushi in you in just seeing those jim jams or his bachpan in hsi notebook and the waaay he asks you soorat deh teri kaisaa khush horii kyaa karke ayi.....

its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would just that beauuuuuuutifully know every detail of your expression or your mind like he would just knowwww it......

you hide it keep a straight face on just so he dosnt know you were clicking pics ofhis book or wall and you try to be normal and he sees it in you.... fataaak see !!!!!!!

to just seee him that happpy watching you be happpy like he dosnt know what you were that happy bout but did sense it inyou culd see it in you and just seeing it was making him that happppy.....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaay he had that one beauuuuuuuuutiful big smile on him keeps asking you again kyaa karkee ayii sorrat dek teri....

the way he was askig talking bout it was more like if he was there in that room what else outside of his room did make you that happy !!!

like he just had to know what else ddid make you that happy..... his expression his khushiii just watching you be that happy !!!!!!!

to just walking around in the room against those lights and watching that reflection of you holding him on the wall and you try to move around to see the change in reflections on the wall and he keeps doing the same moving around you and watches with you how it looked on the wall.....

its those moments of letting yourself be as mad as lost as happy with him and watchig him be the same.....

where to where only again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooo yahhhh those lights today over the seat and those visuals from his other place living those lilst of him in those corners living him today and almost everyday in these corners of your everyday is when you realize how much of him you truly have become now.....

its that feeeling that one realization of too late to become another you now.....

like what do you hold onto and what do you how much of you do you let go of....

kinda weird non fixable dilemma !!

be it living him in the dreams or lilst of moments that random moments bring him along with is smthing thats the real you that you are now......

thats all and more of him and his lilst of details.....

like too late to become another you now !!

but the need to be with him the want to live him hold him love him in that way is smthing you are letting go of....

in a way moving on and from that side of love and loving.....

changing habits one after the other hoping some day you get a hold on yourself.....

get a hold on your mind from feeeling too much !!

even this moment of blocing him and then unblocking him away after a strong dream and then realizing how you were still not making it any better for him that he wanted you to being away from him and you jus delete him....

cause blocking him again leads you to another dream of his that makes you wanna hold on again....

so you just delete and another moment of self madness of strange khushi when you see his name saved on number che S and knowing thats his surname initial but in that moment that one sec of khushi seeing an S with his name.....

these things bout yourself that you need to change.....

lilst of you that you can possibly change bit by bit.....

maybe it is true after all to love in limits and not love too much and hope for it to be same always.....

love and life definitely must come with a manual read on book to function and live accoridngly.....

this thing again all ofthese logics that people talk bout how you need to see life and most imp love as is smthin you could never make any sense of.....

cause what they see is see love in a certain way and there is you that has "lived" love in a certain way..... and again which connected you that strongly with this quote from thisbeauty of the book....

one can only see clearly with the heart wht is essential is invisible to the eye......

again one of those quotes that pretty much sums up your life....

and the visual of it that one lil cute prince with his tamed fox....

how do you even go bout explaining talking to people including him as to what he did become in your life.....

and how do you not feel even though all of this still feels this pointless after all this while !!

Too much you, thats Him...

its that thing they call frame with love, letting go is smthing that comes along with it...

again smthing like being prepared for the change in love !!

again smthing you could never learn or be prepared for !!

everybody saying the same including him asking you pleading you literally to move on also now living him in the dreams in waaaaaaaays that were almost like talking to you.... feels like it was definitely a lie of his to make you move on....

again clearly that level of desperation of his to want yuo to move on in life....

also in a way that speaks for itself how he dint want you in his life and instead also wanting the best for you wanted you to move on.....

the way through that conversation he keeps a check on if you were okay too again knowing you too well knew it would break you.... and yet he had to do to that you.....

ther eis all of this on one side with sindhu's logic of asking you to set yourself free.....

but the way it all comes down to this one thing how do you do that when theres too much of you thats become him now.....

lik for say this one lilst moment today.....

stuck in the jam late in the evening and this one cop car right behind with that multi color disco light on top of the car blinking and swinging around....

and it caused that reflection over the seat ahead of those trippy blue red rights.....

that one visual and there he was in that very moment.....

the psychedelic setting of lights at his other place...

and the moments followed visuals that followed after living this random visual in your day....

Mixing realities...

there was this one truth that he actually told you bout on your face literally.....

the one thing that changed it all for you !!!!!

from your everyday habits of living him in his places to skipping them away.... to not suddenly getting on whatsapp to hear him to waking up to him like al of these that in a way made your life complete was smthing you were pulling yourself away from cause he wanted you to forget bout it.....

and there was this reality that you were living soon as you shut your eyes after much struggle the dreams the kind of dreams the waaaaaaaaaays you were living him in the dreams was another story altogether....

to this nite yesterday after a start like that one yesterday this beauty of the book that talks of the mind and human interpretation of things bout how they fail in liivng life and the details with their heart and mostly focus on living with their minds....

and the more you read that one feeeeel the waaaay all of his dreams were making you feel like !!

he lied to you bout him getting married !!

was the strangest and prolly your peakest level of madness till date.....

and yes yet it did feel like it....

he lied to you again one of his attempts to make you move on in life.... the way even while saying it it dint feel like his words and it was as if thought someone did make him do that.....

the waaaaaaaaaay his dreams have been off late was smthing that sort of got you to this conclusion that he lied to you bout it...

like that one strong feeling of it !!

and the way this even more made you decide on many things but thwre was that need to get your mind out to just talk it out to someone.....

smtimes it gets too much in your mind to stay in....

and this one msg from your manager asking bout some client detail and you ask her if she could come down as she stayed in the next building and then have a chat bout it.....

and to your surprise she comes over with her psy beedi and talks bout how her bf gets that stash for her....

in your place and as she asks if you had one or not and then asks if you would wanna try that one moment of holding the psy beedi in your hand and then looking at her.....

its a normal situation its not even like she was some guy but it just felt weird....

whoo hota nai kuch smthing dosnt feel right..... there are smthings in life you just wanna do share talk be with that one just that one someone..... be it even sharing a version of your own self with just that one someone....

that one someone who knows you has seen you like nobody else ever has or ever will.... like things you just wanna do with that one someone not smthing you decide but its that thing bout just the feeeels like whoo andaar seee mann ni kiyaaa... like that psy beeedi you that badly waited all these years to smoke with him was just bout smthing to do with him..... like allowing that one version of yourself to unfold just with him....

its that thing bout allowing yourself to be that way or in a particular way wa ssmthing that stayed with him and left with him....

and you nod away saying a no and from work talks to this one sudden talk bout her bf she asks bout yours.....

and you finally decide to talk out what was running through your mind....

wit that thing of her not asking you any question or names and stuff.... like you just wanted to talk out to someone....

and she agrees and  you start off with about the first seeing him at the gym......

and even as you were talking bout the first seeing him walking that way in that very moment you stop talking and just live him in your mind.....

and that very moment she says you are still in so much love with him....

like she could see it in your face..... how just talking bout seeing him for the first time changed your face....

and that question from her what went wrong then.....

and you just nod away and get back to the work talk....

smtimes your world your life is better off in your mind than being out and that moment for you was bout that.....

when she asks you what went wrong.....

smthing you still donno could never figure out !!

to the next day when she texts you bout the same thing if you wanted to talk over text or smthing and you change the topic and she goes on bout how imp it is to let go when youve been distant for way too long....

and asks you to completely stay off if you think you should if not for you then for him if thats what he wants..... cause you did mention bout not being in touch for years now....

even as you write now smthings seem so easy just the word forget let go where you know its important too smtimes you just need to ......

but what if there is that other side of your world other side of your reality that has a language of its own.... speaking to you in more ways than one....

which world do you stay by with, which world do you consider for real !!

like the whole conversation bout letting go goes on for quite a bit and that one thing on your mind if only it was that easy if only there was just that one reality one truth that you had to deal with....

Once done !!

once the storm the damage was done the only thing that followed was how to deal with it !!

its that thing charlie the many times he asked you for a skype that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling lil does he know that one thing to just live him was smthing you lived in almost every corner of hyd to just find him somewhere to just see him somewhere nad there he was asking you the first time he does and knowing the distance between manikonda and home that one feeeeeel to just runnnnnn home !!!!!!!!!

to see him !!!!!!!

to the next version of feels !!!!!!

after knowing realizing how you couldnt see him dint wanna see him......

and the mins later you get back on whatsapp and still see him there he still dint block you that one thing one more time he asks you you just might end up saying a yes to skype and that you dint wantt tto......

there was that low down that weird wordless termless thing of that weird state of mind how do i always make him stay what do i do that he stays maybe thsi time maybe this time bolke saaalo nikal gaye..... with that one thing maybe this time he will stay !!

it was that needy state of mind that broken and yet happy knowing he atleast found his love for life.....

he has been through enough shit in his life and youve seen it seen him go through it and that one thing that you have always lived for was to see him happy in life... and he finally was and there was you the worst broken state second time again and that was something you dint wanna show him....

it would have been that weirdly awkard you still loving him living him living his details knowing he is not yours......

like that one thing in your life you thought still with the distance you strangely thought thanks to the dreams did think yours, wasnt.....

and you dint want to see visually live that side of the reality !!

and block him immediately and get off !!!!!!

home for the next week off everything else.....

like you just needed that time off to get normal again....

there were many realizations many changes you thoguht of changing and there was also that need to talk to someone out.....

like you couldnt deal with it.....

there was toooo much on the inside.....

and this manager of yours that handles work for you when you take this kinda off from work seemed perfect cause she knew nothing like not the compleete thing....

its that thing cause your other friend knew a lil more and this one was smthing knew nothing at all....

and you could stick with just you telling without being asked why or what kinda logic !!!!!!

lil did you know it was almost like talking to your own mind and finding a way out....

again why you did start this writing bit cause it strangely guides yoru way out of your mind.....

cause you literally see read your mind out here nd still wandering through the mind find your way out on most days....

if not all, on most of the days at least !!

Cut the tie off !!

a few mins or smthing later get on whatsapp again to read him and for the first time he actually dint block you and was still online and you did decide many things by then and first and most important one to set him free.....

block him and get off !!

on your way back home the next one cut the tree charm off your wrist after almost two years.....

and see this one thick dark tan line that stayed on....

the way it felt like the second breakup this time !!

even writing it now this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling exactly why you did stay off writing......

not wanting to write this feeeeeling out of your mind......

but well now it just is flowing with the words and the state of mind that it did land you back in.....

one thing charlie one very imp thing that one must always live life with is no matter how perfect complete something feels one must always be prepared for it to change.... be it places emotions or people, they will always change, no matter what you do say or feel....

change is one thing you cant do anything bout and is a fact that one must always be prepared for in life no matter how complete something feels like......

it can change is a fact one must always be prepared ready for !!

cause when you dont expect foresee or be prepared for that massive change and then experience it the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaays it can break and transform you make you bitter is smthing beyond !!

bitter bout love n many things !!

once home that need to just be on your own and luckily that evening mom being out for some pooja at the neighbours you had that evening nite to yourself.....

be in your place his music playing loudest and just be......

its that storm of things that your mind gets swayed away with....

and the way it keeps coming back to what all of that even was bout why feel so much dream so much live that much when it was nothing at all but your mind alone.....

like you tick off all those songs that you thought could be for you cause it felt somebody elses.....

and stick with the ones that were once for you....

the way suddenly it was like moving yourself away from everything you thought was for you or was yours.....

on your way back the way this one habit for years now of looking at his places every day be it that gym ki turning bake house his reliance web world corner king horn now not there with some other store stadium doorse like to just see his places and feel him for that one sec bhi.... like it did become your habit to just live him for that slightest sec bhi just passing by and watching his places and living him in those corners....

but from that day on you try not to look cause when you do that one echo of his words please forget us echoes through you.....

like you are literally struggling to pull yourself away from what you thought was yours....

like you know all ofthise all thsie while was just your mind but whoo hotaa nai charlie if a reality feels bitter you rather stick to that feeling that makes that bitter feel better.....

bas all this while woich horaa thaa....

and ab suddenly you had to train yourself your mind to not even feel live it that way.....

training yourself to forget him from wanting him in those corners  too.....

cutting the tie off literally !!!!!!

Rewind...

back to where it started !!

floods news mail him asking him if he is fine again one of those zillion things you shouldnnt have !!

one of those zillion mails you shouldnt have hit a sent !!

only later in the evening at the workshop geting some urgent order done....

and this one ting on the fone...

lookup it was Him...

with a listen need  to tell you something.....

and the first thing that all you wanted to know was if he is okay cause that random msg from him was something that was long gone.....

and that very first thing hits your mind if he was okay....

and after all that ya am good and all he mentions bout wanting to say somethign important and you aks again what it was bout and he talks bout how dint want to tell you casually and all and by the sound of his words that one n only thing that could possibly be it just by the way he was talking bout it..... getting married and you ask him the same and yes it was !!

head out of the workshop to the stairs place at the opp house.....

just be there plug in his music and just be.....

it was that one feeel your only best friends getting married and there also was that thing but that best friend was your love too !!

its that weird feeel charlie when you dont wanna sulk cry over it cause he is happy finally getting married to that one girl who got luckiest in the world !!!!!!!!

and you wish him trying to move away from the conversation and he asks bout coming over on skype before saying a yes.... and you couldnt and the way he sounds that formal with that aap tone if you can which he was more used to come on skype now.....

and you being at manikonda miles away from home literally tell him for an hour or two even if you start immediately and only after he mentions bout getting married thing that one feeeeeeeeel..... how could you even see him watch him !!!!!!!!!!!!!

and even after syaing the same he still mentions bout the skype call and that feeeeeeeel knowing yourself and what you were already going through in that very moment you sure knew what it would be like watching him knowing about his marriage....

skip that one thing that you almost wait for every sec of your life with every blink of an eye - to see him to live him !!!!!!!!!!!

the way he keeps asking if you were okay and all and again asks you bout the skype and that feeeeeling the mroe he does saying no to that you alone know what it was like.....

but merseee nai hua chaarlie.....

for once when you dint want to see him, cause he already was somebody elses....

like how do you just see him knowing just knowing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

neither did you want to cry it out before him or hold onto him ...... and everytime he kept asking if you were okay that one feeeeeeling crying and laughing at yourself hauuu nai okay hu boli thoo jaise merse shaadi karleta naii.....

prolly the first time you were crying and laughing at once !!!!!

talk bout hitting the maddest level of mind in fraction of secs i say !!!!!

to that one line from him when he finally asks you to forget bout us and to not mail him either....

that one promise that one word you give yourself, you wont ever hear a word from me ever again...

not even as a reply !!

not sure if it was bout setting him free or setting yoruself free from wanting needing him.... all those versions of wanting him in ways be it living him paas se ya doorse or any of the other zillion list of things that you wanted to do with him all of those and every bit of it, setting it all free !!

wish him luck and get off and live your own moment.....

when you finally breakdown wondering why did you even join that very same gym of all the gyms in the world !!!!!!!

in that moment there was complains looking up above not sure complaining whom and bout wht..... complains bout why you were the way you were why the things were the way they were why it couldnt be easier for you like its easier for the very easy girls around..... why love couldnt be as simpler as you hoped thought it was.....

why that one thing in the world you ever loved couldnt be yours...

the many whys the many complains in that moment..... and that one thing that kept the calm still through that storm of few mins to later few days was his music.....

it just does smthing charlie......

not sure what but just does smthing...

Every sound has a visual !!

this habit of his back then.....

the waaaaaay he had that love fascination of imagining places talking bout places to be wit that particular sound playing....

like still driving around in the city and some chillout sound starts to play and the way he would just smile awaaaay with the vibe of teh sound and then look at you and say iss song pe apan waha honaa thaa....

and before you know that one turn sudden and there you were on the highway off to somewhere.... place where the sound takes him...

its that same almost similar thing that youve been living with his music.... like the sec some sound that makes you allows you to feeel him the most there is that one visual of his that pops up with that specific sound...

and this one song you did love back then for some other reason when he asks you that question similar one the character from the movie asks the female lead what if someday she wakes up and realizes there was no him in her life what would she do then.... something like that from the movie....

and a week or so after the movie release in some skype call he asks a similar question for the second time.... what if someday there is no him in your life and you just look at him and tell him that you could never find the answer for it ever since the first time back then when he did ask you the same.... maybe you could never learn to live that way !!

tears rolling write away and there him smiling away that one peculiar smile of his.....

again it was an answer he already knew would be from you !!

everytime he mentions smthing like this he definitely knows thats something you could never possibly live with...

like that one Him in your life no matter what or how, thats one constant that can never change..... no matter what !!

its just the way of love now after this time that has changed.....

when you no longer need him want him or any of that.... but to just be with the love that you have live for him.....

to just live with loving Him...!

Ehsaas of the sound...!

when theres too much waay too much that youve felt experienced in a very short span of time and most importantly the unexpected kinda feelings you just donnooo how  to digest absorb get over and get it out of you !!!!!

like basically you just donnoo how to deal with it and what makes it worse is not being able to say it out either.....

like nothing at all and keep THAT much of you on the inside and then wait for it to subside to normalize but i guess smthings you just expect to subside or get over n done with...

so the next n only alternative is to just flow with it.....

no matter what how it makes you feel like, just flow with it...

and thts exactly what you have been trying to do and this sound that youve been loving lately that sort of soothes everything down for the moment that is..... and today finally as you just be with the sound playing working its beauty and reading this beauty of a book and the waaay it sort of just lifts you up and that sudden urge need to write out at least a bit, if not all cause you defiiiiiiiiinitely dont wanna hear feel read your mind out..... like its better off on the inside like you just dont wanna get it all out and see read yourself going through all of this.....

but this need to write a bit of the bits that have been felt all over again.... and this time for the last time !!

Lagtaa kaisaa!

jstee imaginnn chalieeee evey sec of ur lif u liv that runnn tht smting in u tring to reach the lite or jst be abl to toch the liteee.....n finlly u seee its thee nd n all tht whieee baagleeteee hueeee ekdm seee dekee tooo kuccch ni haiiiii aju bajuuuuu thers n o liteee notin at all......

kiskooo pooochn aisseee pooochnaaa kidra gayaaa litee bokeee biii ni malooom......

ekdmmm see wen it al feeees tis pontlesss..... kiskooo poocnaaa bbi ni malooom kaisaaa gay litee bokeee......

tht one beuuuuuuuuuuuutifulll lite aftrallll ws jst the illluson of ur mind..... all tis yers aftrall.....

kaaaaaisaa ni whooo ek liteee ku lekeeee aisaa aaaagayiii!!!!!!!

and the finaaal hellooo it ws!!!!!

mite deleteee all tis awwwy so tis miteee alssso bii the lsat hellooo mking all tose eveeery thooose attmpts to deleete it all awwwy agaaain jst lik he wnted u to....... forget us as he clled it to be......

n lik alwysss doiinnn exccctlyyy hw an wht he wnted u do.....


loveeeee meeeemroiesss feeeelsss all offf thisss tht the ting dam ting lov comess wit must com wit a ldeeeteee too......

lik one clicck n its all goneeee....

jste as esy as the word forgt souns...... one clicck n all goneeeeee.....

one finaaal hellllo n byeee it is chalieeeee miteee deeelet u toooo ......

cosss wen it coms to writinee wods down riting dimaaak downnn all tht coms is him.....

n tht lik he wnts to fr the obvs reson needs to goooo tooooo.......

so dos the ritinngg gooos......

finaaalll byeeee chalieeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

u wer goooood!!!!!!!!!!!

pollly the bestttt!!!!!!!!!! 

Wand of hope!!!!!

whn  you are ay toooo high n this one thing to rite out somting!!!!!!!

be it a wod bhiiii for all tht has been felt !!!!!!!!!

cos chaleeieee thers noting wors than nt bein able to share wen u hve been hurt the final most tim ever in ur life........ n then to nte be blaable to sya it out hw it felt wht it felt lik is prleeoy the wost feeelin eveeer.....

as poitless as tis feeeels exctly wht n hw it feeels lik.........

kabiii hoaa ni bassss nikaaaal den andaaaaaar se.... if nt allll kuccchhh thooo bi..... 

beeen runing chasing thi one light one very beautifulee light tht did draw u to him...... like this one liteee dooorseee makin you chase run wait aftr it.... n you run you chsseee you wait you just gooo alng with the liteee even if u cud onleee see it dooorsee still u go alongg wit it.....

cos that sll it made u wannaaa dooo feel like live like.....

just gooo alng wit it....

wit tht sor of wand of hope in hand.....

mayb somdya ull reach the lite..... maybe somday ull finaly meet the litee.....

reach the lite.....

n suddeeeenly u reach a box wit reach the end of the tunnnel path walkwya u wer runing though and on to reach the liteee.......

n u relize all that time u spenn tring to reach the lteee hopin to meeet the lite is all was all pointless....

cos thers no lite aftrall....

thers nobody ther.....

it was jst u all tht while.....

thinkin it to be ur lite tht u wud reach somday touch somday meet somday........

ther was no lite aftrll......

thers nobdy ther.....

stnding ther wit the wand in hand wondring what it ws even abt.....

all this wile......

thers no lite aftral.....

leving the wnd away !!!!!!!!!!!!