Visuals and him...!

his music playing your mind been off and lost lately.....

like its been running on its own space....

like in a world of your own.... not saying much not thinking much and just flowing with whatever its making you feel like....

evening lights evening sky that beautifully golden and shades of pink watching the birds fly against that beautiful backdrop and living him in that visual like your eyes looking for a bird lost in a flight of its own and then to live that visual to live him....

the most beauuuuuuuutiful human bird ever !!!!!!!!!

to this moment when these lights reflecting on the seat catches your attention and immediately off n away.....

wandering through his hall taking pics of his bachpan ka school book his name on the name tag to that trippy light setting on the wall to just feeling happy bout seeing that box of jim jam biscuit and banana chips still in the box.... that whole vibe of nothing of him changed after all !!

to once back to him in his room and the waaaaaaaaaaay he asks you kyaa karri thiii itti deer cause you were out to bring him water and got lost in all his beauuuuuuuutiful lilst details scattered around in his place and documenting away some of them....

wit that khushi in you in just seeing those jim jams or his bachpan in hsi notebook and the waaay he asks you soorat deh teri kaisaa khush horii kyaa karke ayi.....

its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would just that beauuuuuuutifully know every detail of your expression or your mind like he would just knowwww it......

you hide it keep a straight face on just so he dosnt know you were clicking pics ofhis book or wall and you try to be normal and he sees it in you.... fataaak see !!!!!!!

to just seee him that happpy watching you be happpy like he dosnt know what you were that happy bout but did sense it inyou culd see it in you and just seeing it was making him that happppy.....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaay he had that one beauuuuuuuuutiful big smile on him keeps asking you again kyaa karkee ayii sorrat dek teri....

the way he was askig talking bout it was more like if he was there in that room what else outside of his room did make you that happy !!!

like he just had to know what else ddid make you that happy..... his expression his khushiii just watching you be that happy !!!!!!!

to just walking around in the room against those lights and watching that reflection of you holding him on the wall and you try to move around to see the change in reflections on the wall and he keeps doing the same moving around you and watches with you how it looked on the wall.....

its those moments of letting yourself be as mad as lost as happy with him and watchig him be the same.....

where to where only again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooo yahhhh those lights today over the seat and those visuals from his other place living those lilst of him in those corners living him today and almost everyday in these corners of your everyday is when you realize how much of him you truly have become now.....

its that feeeling that one realization of too late to become another you now.....

like what do you hold onto and what do you how much of you do you let go of....

kinda weird non fixable dilemma !!

be it living him in the dreams or lilst of moments that random moments bring him along with is smthing thats the real you that you are now......

thats all and more of him and his lilst of details.....

like too late to become another you now !!

but the need to be with him the want to live him hold him love him in that way is smthing you are letting go of....

in a way moving on and from that side of love and loving.....

changing habits one after the other hoping some day you get a hold on yourself.....

get a hold on your mind from feeeling too much !!

even this moment of blocing him and then unblocking him away after a strong dream and then realizing how you were still not making it any better for him that he wanted you to being away from him and you jus delete him....

cause blocking him again leads you to another dream of his that makes you wanna hold on again....

so you just delete and another moment of self madness of strange khushi when you see his name saved on number che S and knowing thats his surname initial but in that moment that one sec of khushi seeing an S with his name.....

these things bout yourself that you need to change.....

lilst of you that you can possibly change bit by bit.....

maybe it is true after all to love in limits and not love too much and hope for it to be same always.....

love and life definitely must come with a manual read on book to function and live accoridngly.....

this thing again all ofthese logics that people talk bout how you need to see life and most imp love as is smthin you could never make any sense of.....

cause what they see is see love in a certain way and there is you that has "lived" love in a certain way..... and again which connected you that strongly with this quote from thisbeauty of the book....

one can only see clearly with the heart wht is essential is invisible to the eye......

again one of those quotes that pretty much sums up your life....

and the visual of it that one lil cute prince with his tamed fox....

how do you even go bout explaining talking to people including him as to what he did become in your life.....

and how do you not feel even though all of this still feels this pointless after all this while !!