How far!

 It's this feeeel charlie as you look back throuhf moments like these with that realisation bout how far you've come...

From that evening looking for that one black pathani thing for him at the exhibition with his sister to today designing creating smthing that cpuld fall closest to the feel of it......

When you visually live such moments it's like your entire life almost flashed through in that single sec as you live that visual in that moment!

From that first day morning of bup to this moment here that one long wait maybe tomo maybe tomo maybee tomo he'll come back...

Even in that longest conversation with your mom where it was just her talking, in that moment when from general she gets that direct asking you did he ever tell you even for a single sec or moment that he still loves you or wants you in his life cause if he did then spend another 10 or 20 years more waiting....it's upto you but if he didn't!

And that one pause after saying it all away...

Smthings nai charlie some logics you rather not think bout at all like that part of life and loving him you rather not think bout cause deep down you know there's no answer to that....and you better not let your mind wander to that!

But that day when you hear out loud that very same logic or reality of life it did shake up smthing in you in a bad or even worse way possible!

It just felt weird to hear it out !!!!

Agaim where moemnts you wish conversation you wish things you wish could run away from and then there are moments like the one today that sort of add that bit of meaning that bit of smthing to your life...to your day!

Just that smthing, that you can never define!!

Place of peace...

 Watching some random movie this feeeel of the day today that you can't get over!

Last few days ever since the birthday have been difficult very difficult...

And that one place that did turn your peace of place is yhe studio.....

Where today finally all that research for finding vintage rajputi men's wear designs inspo obvsly from the one n only Him on mind.....that one black pathani thing that he that baadly wanted back then and now the master Ji xoesnt know that we'll bout making one so you instead tweak the design up a bit with a lot of research initially with Italian mens fashion and then finding your ideal almost closest match to pathani in his rajputi vintage fashion also known as the jodhpuris....

Which now is very modernised into the bandhgala but you wanted smthing very vintage and smthing that's not very known now...a rare one with the rarest of on the mind I say!

From writing inspo to fashion inspo today....

When that one design first piece of the entire outfit got done today that first feeeel charlie was beautiful... It's that feeling when you've lost that will on wishes and this one without having wished for does come out that beautifully well.....

It was a late nite at work working on the collection but now as you see it come out this well piece by piece that one calm that one smthing that it fills you up with amidst the other chaos running handling through!

No wonder as tbe saying goes anything done with love I say comes out all things love...

Exactly was that vibe when you see that perfect finish of the first piece done of tge set.....that very moment again imagining him in the same..

Some habits you just gotta change and yet can't help it I say!

The one day...

 The one day on calendar.....

Exactly why October is your most fav month of the year and December now being the most disliked one!

Cause now you know the complications it comes with every year...

The one month you dread now!

This year too that one long conversation with your mom and this bitter feeeeling iteft your heart with....

At the studio now sitting in ur place wondering if the people who tell you that they really love you care bout you actually do love you or care bout you?!

Or is it mostly and mainly bout em!!!!

When you talk bout or talk to someone do you even give it a second thought as to how or what they might feel like after the words have been spoken after the thought has been put out there.....like do they even think bout it that ways at all???!!

How does wanting you to do smthing ha got to do with what and how you want things to be and here most importantly being your own life in question...

How does you wanting someone to move on so they can you have moved on or got married to ten other people where in question you your life is not how you wanted it to be like......

This one thing smtimes charlie being born as a girl woman why does it seem this difficult complicated smtimes...

Why can't how and what you want to be your life as is never important or asked upon.....why is it always bout how everybody else wants it to be as more important of utmost importance and anything against that will or anything in favor of your own will seems that bloody wrong and against everything and everybody...

Work did become your ultimate escape from things like these just so you could be away from conversations like these for the moment but this one day when you decide to take the day off just so you could be on your own for a bit and off work for one day.....this happens!

How do you call this care bout you wanting best for you when you are shaking that peace of mind someone is looking for hoping for.....why can't my life my decisions choices be mine alone!

When you can't see yourself beside or be with somebody else why is it this difficult to understand afetr all it is you whose life is in question it is you who would have to lead live that life on that would be decided forced by the others!!!!!

Kabhi lagta charlie to just run awayfrom it all kahiii bhii bas door chale jaana away from it all...

This moment today when you see the model wearkmg that white set that you'd designed keeping him in mind....that one feeeeeeeeeeel!!!!!!!

When you look away stay away from looking at that guy directly and just focus on the fittings of the outfit smthings!!!!!

The way that one moment sort of connects away to a zillion other chain of thoughts.....

Where you are still living him in the lilst of moments how do you see someone esle filling up that away!

It was a weird day where you feel a lil more less worth this day that was suppised to be your birthday...

Do peope really care bout the people they love or they think they care bout it's that difference that fine line of what they think is in direct action to how and what they really feel bout!

WWhy is it this difficult to understand if things have changed for someone it doesn't necessarily mean you need to too!

It hasn't changed for you you still are there where you were...cause you still feel the things you did back then and just cause the other doesn't feel the same how does it make sense of yoy should change too!!!!

donnnooo!!!!

 His daaaaaaaaadi my beloooo ed most daaaadi of hiss ayyyyaaaaaa moments like theseee it's like u live him now bowwwww he is there and the waaaaaay it al cesmes back to you!!!!!!

All of him to lilst of him it's like u can almost smell him now hlis presence every thujf bout him minddddd this mind nowwww......

Wherreeee to whereeeeee it's goung I tell you!!!!!!

Howwwwwwnowwwwwww!!!!!!

Ou ts thta duvidhaaa smtikeees like baxk then to eat or to just live n watch him......same troppo sameere feeeeling this miment this you right now.....

Ayyyaaaaaa inneeeeee handsomeness pe handmaomeee hoteeee jataaaa chalieee!!!!!

Yaaayyyaaaaaa toeattt or to just stayyy n liveee I syaaa!

Everything!!!!!

 Ayyyaaaaaaaa when he comes lile th8s pooooraaaaaa ka poooooora uthaaaakeeeeeee yummmm yummmmmmmmmmm kahaaaaa kaaanaaaaa iskuuuu!!!!!!

Ayyaaaaaa him not just the heart lungs kidney every lilst of you that there ever has been will be it's all n more just him I sayyyy!!!!!!

It's this feeeeeeeling charlie just you feeel nor just cause him n gim high you are now.....but the waaaay it just feeeels andaaar seee in lkments when u arevon ur own missa him in that very moment nnfeeel Jim to be there in that very moment it's just the waaaaaay it feeoes inside.....

It's strange it's pooora madnesss bur it's this him that you feeel and caaaaant help but feeeel the waaay nothing ever has felt !!!!

U know it's pooora howlaapan but smthings I say are beyond u n logic.....just that pure beauuuuty of magic I say....

It's like u felt him touched him almost literally touched him.....mind in this moment again ayyyyaaaaaaaa fir zoooor zooooor seeee yaaaad kiyaaaa dilneeewww chippppyyyy kahaaaaa ho yummmmm hauuu yummmm only.....

Ayyyaaaaaa uskeeee whoooo gaaal uskiii whooo naaaak the waaaay u loooooveeeeeed yummminh it awaaaay his way and the waaaaaay he would just chuckle awaaaay knowing u were copying by his style of chummming.....

His hands his shouldwrrrr his beauuuutofullest forehead ayyyaaaaaa his pouty hoooth I saaaay.......mind where t9999 whereeeeeeee only......

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeee u are being yummmmmmmoliiiicoulyyy being miasssed I say !!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Him High!

 Mind just this mind todaaaay this mildly happy high!!!!!

When you that beauuuutifully felt him literally felt him through the moments through the day this feeeeeeeling your heart beats with I say!!!!!

Just beyond words...

This beauuuutiful magic of your sexond most fav time of the year Christmas!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaa howleeeeee aaaaaj thoooo how onlyyyy You were missed I saaay!!!!

Just this heart today just thus you with the gin tin his music playing ayyyaaaaaaa this him highh!!!!!!

It's just lilst moments of living him feeeeling him thta strongly in lkments in thise very miments!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeee yaaaaaad kitaaaaa dilnewwww kahaaaaa ho tummm jhooomtiii kaaaaptiii bahaaaar haaai kahaaaa hoooo tummm!!!!!!

Dhoooondti fir rahiiiiiui!!!!!!!

To bee Him!

 Another one of those favtest days that starts with becoming Him, being Him through the day with those sparks of Him magic and one of your most favtest moments of becoming Him visually...

With another one of those favtest things to wear with him and live him as you do!!!!!

Some daaaaays just that one content feeling in its own way...

Becoming Him...!

HIS MUSIC!!!!

 Today in that moment as you live the flight of the bird there was that flight of memory inside you that you were finally setting free after a  long time....cause you that bad stay away from reliving moments like these..

But the way just the way you were that beautifully sort of drawn to that moment to feel that connection from the dream to having lived that moment for real...

Where you looooveed the waaay he chummied that way in Bombay and you tell him too with his music playing that beautifully high on him and then to live a chummi a new chummi it was all that beauuuutifully different....it's that lil tornado of a moment charlie where it starts with a small slow swirl of a moment to turning into that one beautiful almost storm inside of you.....that slow rush to that strong stormy rush kinda chummi vibe it had !!!!!!

It was to feel him live him live that moment with him first time.....to feel that rush of love for the first time after a very long time!

It mostly used to be at opera!

And it wasn't just the moment you felt him loving you again and not just for the moment kinda thing...whoo nai hota charlie andar seee you feel loved you feel the love again.....that same feeeling back again like you don't have to hear it but you just feeel it andar seee....

Aftwe the bup you did meet him often but that meet in Bombay was the first time you felt his love for you again after bup.....the very first time!

Like he felt the same again, his love for you felt that beautifully just the same again....

Mom calling aunt calling as it was late and you were supposed to ve home befire6 and it was way past 6 and yet you don't take the call cause ever since the start it's been that way the way he would make sure to keep the fone away when with yiy in a way letting you know that was how it's meant to be.....when wit you it's the time you both share it's your time..

That day when you don't answe the way he insists on asking u to take the call answer kar and tell you'll be late and chuckles away that adoooorably the way he was just being with you that normal that same him again.....

Just bout to leave and the waaaaaaaay he holds your hand away and just that nod that one nod not wanting you to leave and come close and 5 mins stay...

Holds you away and just lay again.....this time closest!

The way he just didn't want you to leave the way he wouldn't look away just living you every sec with every blink of an eye....

To that moment as you get ready brushing your hair or smthing and comes close and stands beside you in the mirror reflection points out you n him and that perfect hand sign.....

Where tooooo whereeeeeeee only!!!!!!!

Exaaactly why you stay away from writing the Bombay meet!!!!!!

THIS feeeeeeeeeeeeling it fills overloads you with every single time!!!!!!!

THIS you now !!!!!!!!!

Some days some moments donno how what or why!!!!!!!!

Just THIS FEEEEEEEELING right now!!!!!

His MUSIC!!!!!

Agaaaain from where to where!!!!!

Ever since that waking up this one beauty of a track the way it feels like a sound version of your dreams...

Tedhe medhe raste hai jadui imaarte hai tu bhi hai me bhi hu yaha.... nachte udhte hum yaha!

It's that feel charlie when aaj kal you've been missing him waaaay too much and maybe this happens all the more worse every year this time!

These few months ever since October this feeeeeeeling every single time...cause why not it was the time of your life, life changing, you transforming time of your life...

Him...

Sleeping to and with the sound of his music to waking up with that sudden rush of him through you cause that's how strongly you felt his presence closest to you then to live wake through the reality life through the reality of your day is a struggle!

Cause all of you still that lost in him wondering how does he feeeel that real that all of this now doesn't feel this real as you go through your day..... Still wondering if that's real what's this!

Today at the store amidst a discussion of fabrics like serious one for men's wear cause you still didn't manage to find the right one for a specific set....and a glass window the store had his music still playing in one ear look out and this beauty of your most loved bird now the eagle....

The flight, his flight, his arms wide open at the security check and you just living that beauuuuty of a huge beauuuutiful human bird ready for a flight, arms that beauuuutifully wide open...

As the bird sways in that one motion one pattern with waves like across the sky that one pull just the waaaay you were drawn towards it in that moment...

That very sec his this one track starts to play where another song was on loop again not sure how that skipped and this played..it was His vital signs track from the Bombay meet!

THAT one meet no matter how many times you write relive and write again words can never do justice to what that day what that meet what thsoe hours meant to you!

The MOST beautiful day I say!!!!!!!!

Cause that was when you felt loved again after years... The same kinda love of his for you!

Lile nothing literally nothing had changed really!

When he wasn't scared confused uncertain to show express word out his love for you!

Not even a bit.....

Where he really wanted you to stay and tells you so!

That day was smthing else !!!!!!!

Today in that moment standing there watching the bird reliving him from the security check visual the waaaay it sways away to the Bombay meet instead as his very same track starts to play....

It was the same day when he chummi3d you in that same style from the dream...the waaaay the moment today that beauuuutifully connected you with the dream days back and made you feel as if thought the moment from the dream was in a way that beautifully real...

Cause a chummi like that did happen for real....that day after MOMENTS the way he stayed wanted you to just lay by his side living your details and actually chummies you that way first time nibbling away that beauuuutifully slow to the sound of this very track.....cause you that clearly remember stopping him for a bit and actually note down the name of this specific track over ur fone cause that was your way of saving up that moment that him in that moment with you.....cause ever since having known bout being unsure of when seeing him or if at all you would his music has been what that lasts with you much after Him...

That moment too you just wanted to save that feeeling of him from that moment the waaaaaaaaaaaay he was that slowly beauuuutifully coming close nibbling away and then moving a lil back watchjng you with that smileeeeee ayaaaaaaaaaa that one smile of his and then at it again.....

And seeing your madness for his music asks you kya hai yeee and you with your excitement also tell him this is new aisa kabhi chummi nai kiya tu....that one nod after and does it again asking aisaaa you mean....

Some MOMENTS you just don't wanna relive n write cause this feeeeeeeling it fills you with is a mix of irony and beauty at once.....

It's strange charlie when something's that make you the happiest could also hurt the worse!!!!!!

Soooooo yaaaah!!!!!!!

This one person you never were prepated to miss THIS BAD in your life ever !!!!!!!!

Never were, could never get used to!!!!!

His music...!

 There are these times charlie when you feel the most alone.....like the most worst alone sometimes!

It's just that worst!

In those times it's just that one play that one sec of being closer to his music and that very moment shutting your eyes away it's him n you, him with you in that moment no matter where you are what you are doing even in the most craziest of situations like in the middle of crossing of the road that one sudden visual thing or place it's him with you in that moment...

As crazy as this sounds like it just is the way it is...

Coming back home this time of every nite is like your most you time.....

Smtimes in your place or off late with it getting waaaaay too cold at nites it's the couch laying away smthing playing on tv or working with his music mostly it's thus time mind that slow him rushing on that slow speed throufh you keep living him on n off just the waaaaaaaaaay he looks this deliciously handsome in the current one.....it's that feeeeeling charlie hauuu nai no wonder ab aisaaa aisaaa dikheee tho waiseich hotaa phir!

Soooo yaaah 

Waking up with that touch with that feel that you missed him the nite before and it was just day before when you feel him his chummi in a different beauuuutifully different way...

This thing eveye singke time when you want to write smthing n then knowing u can't openly and also want to write....

When to just get the moment out missing out wins over so here goes.....

It's the waaaay his chummi felt different like he was nibbling away that beauuuutifully slow like keeps talikg those sec of breaks to maybe just look at you and then at it again....cause you just were living the moment again with that same fear what if you open your eyes n he disappears again!

That feeeeeeeeling you wake up with like still looking for him cause he the moment the chummi felt that real....his music still playing and that feeeeel that one magic of his music......

Again same thing kyaaa sochkeee bola when you miss me play my music you'll find me close to you everywhere...

Every single time all these years every time you've felt him that strongly and then woken upto find his music playing that beauuuutiful echo of his words....!

Satya vachan I say...

Smthings and just reliving the moment again.....howleeeeeeeeeeeee YOU were missed this very moment here !!!!!!!!!

His music...

 Right from the very start of Him in your life, his music...

That very first sound the he plays with his headphones over your ears and his hand over em standinf that close to you waiting for your reaction, the first sound was random track that you don't really remember and at first you don't like it....just nod saying a no and take the headfone off and ask him this is the kind you listen to and stay that lost in cause one thing charlie him n his headphones were always on.... Lile his fone used to be away on that one corner table but his headphones n ipod always on him...

Like him n his music lost in their own lil world...as you write n to think of it now over the years a decade you did become Him...

It's the same vibe now....you his music and lost in your own lil Him world away from everything else no matter where you are!

The second day liek he was that determined to make you like his music comes back again and thus time insists saying trust me this one you'll love..and like everything else this one too he that was that damn right bout you! 

Fink it was...he places it over your ears still holding your hand over his headphones and standing that THAT close to you looking you ij the eye waiting for your reaction.....and the very first sound of the guitar to the voice of fink it was love!

In that moment that whole vibe of that one moment was that beauuuuuuuuuutiful him looking you in the eye waiting holding your hand over the headphone u actually liking aoon loving the sound cause you remember asking him to play it again and after the second time he actually tells you to keep the iPod with you for the rest of the workout which was a huuuuuuuuge deal like him working out without his ipod was a bigggg deal!

He did that for you, that was the very start of him wanting you to like something he was that passionate about!

Lil did you knoooooooooooooowwwww!

THE dad!

 To this moment on your way to the studio in the jam this beautifully him high already....

Bike on the side a lil girl with a gulmohar in hair holding onto her dad that tight...

Turns towards you and that smile few smiles few faces shared....

Pehle ajeeb lagta tha charlie when you see a dad daughter thing now ever since having realised relived that dad love of his for you in moments like these movie scenes of dad daughter it's Him that you live it's his dad love for you from back then that you relive in moments...

And the way this moment as you watch with her with that gulmohar in that cute plat of hers smiling away holding her dad ayyaaa Him that adorable dad to you!

Rush to live him and there he was in that very moment.....smthings that random that don't make any sense but to you alone you know what that meant to you!

When some random moment doesn't really feel that random after all.....

To you it was that lil spark of magic of Him in your day... through your day! 

This mind today all that mix of Him playing rushing breathing running jumping through you!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaa kya kasoooor hai meraaaaaa!

Kya kasoor...

 Mornings this beauuuuuutifuuuuuuul THIS BEAUUUUUUUUUUUUUTIFUL!!!!!!!!

Nothing no one, said it before can say it a zillion more times - nothing no one in the world can make you happy this happy the way anything and everything to do with Him does!!!!!!!

The waaaaaaaaaaaay he comes charlie ayyaaaaaaa the waaaaaay he just comes exactly how you'd missed him just before sleeping exactly that version of his soon as you are asleep.....

Its like you miss hearing him and his voice that close to you whispering smthing or if you miss the hmmm side of his exaaactly how he is there with you for you...or when you miss that best friend in him he is there just close to you and you keep saying smthing sharing smthing still asleep and him with those lil beautiful hmms as you keep talking amrhimg or when you miss just his touch just him holding your hand and he is there holding your hand away holding all of you away like pulling you away from everything else and closest to him like all you can smell feel touch breaaaathe is Him!!!!!

This morning too and that feeeeeeeeeeling you wake up with still smelling like him I say!!!!!!!

This feeeeeeeeeeeeling charliee you are filled with overfilled with ayyaaaaaaaa mornings do come too very soon....

Ayyaaaaaaaaaa that reality of yours HIM yummmmm yummmmmmmm yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!

This head this you this very you as you keep reliving him from this morning ayyyaaaaa ab dilmeee tummm ho chuppeeee teri saaaso ki raaat hai, tere poutyyy hotooo ki subaaaah!

Yahaaa khoooo bhii jauu ayyyaaaa kyaaa kasoooor hai meraaaaaaaa!!!!!

Kyaaa kasoooor hai meraaaaa!

 

To share...

 It's strange why crying is considered a sigh of weekness....

In that moment him crying wasn't a weakness it was that need to share of how broken he was and finally had someone he could share that with and he was sharing that most vulnerable side of his moment feeling of his with you.....

To you everytime you see him after that long gap that has you wondering he won't come back and then he does it's that end of missing it's that end of all those miments that you thought you won't be seeing him again and then to finally live him live his presence to just live that moment of his presence almost used to feel that dream like like as if tho you still were dreaming he was finally there you got to see him again....

It's when you lose hope and find it again when you never thought you would , the tears was all bout that!

It's also when you know that moment you have with him not sure if you would again!

It always used to be that one big mix of thoughts n feelings in that first moment you see him in.....

Smthings you write n this feeeeling now!!!!

Writing on nites like these whreee to whrreee only it's going !!!!!

Also why exactly why when your mind is this lost you prefer to just stay away from writing but tonite it just was getting weirder in the stomach I say! 

That notted feeling when youve been keeping away too many moments holding away too much waaaay too much missing and then a moment out of nowhere!!!!!

His pride...

 Few days back when the first outfit done of the custom gulmohar print and your manager without rechecking with you posts away on the work page...

And then shares it with you to confirm and you ask to delete cause that thing you wanted to get a proper shoot done with the complete collection....

It's that thing charlie how from that just loved wild flower it did become that one thing that still makes you relive that love of his for you that feeeling of you being his pride..

Could see it in his eyes charlie every time he looked at you on the side that one khushi on his face , you gotta be that to the one you love... Be their pride not just the love...be that one that they are proud to have in life the one that makes their seena aur choda!

With time that definitely changed.....

Its like now it's more of an embarrassment like you know being ashamed in a way!

And that's how you wanna stay as that one pride and today as and when you discuss bout the design and the mention of gulmohars brings back that moment of his love moment of his pride you being his pride!

Thw waaaaay he would hold them in his hands and wait for your reaction ever since the first time after knowing you loved it that much....like not just give it away fataak se but just hold em and then wait for your reaction seeing the gulmohars in his hands for you.....that khushi of his you were!

Every single time maloom charlie the sec he sees you that one fataaaak se big lil beautiful smile of his till his eyes....right from his beautoful big pouty lips till his eyes.....that one beauuuutiful hint of khushi just seeing you!

This moment right here how only You were missed howleeeee!!!!!!!

His music...

 This thing bout his music n moments.....

It's just feeling weirdly beautiful tonite.....

Just weird!

Numb lost n yet weird!

The way a memory hits you and you lose yourself a lil more the way it moves you away from everything else..... this has been on uour mind ever since the first few gulmohar inspired custom prints have been out for the shoot...

So ya this one track he shares with you talking bout how he misses different versions of you to these set of tracks by this new artist ghat he had found...

Talking bout the specific version of you with each song that he misses you with.....writing writing to think of it now it's the roots are entiwned that beautifully, both of yours!

And yet!

Sooo yah and as you listen to this particular one and he talks bout how when he is on his own and feels lonely smtimes he misses your presence with him just the presence of you being with him with this song and the other one being how his touch makes you feel and move....

The beat the different variations in the beat makes him miss that side of you...when he misses how his love makes you feel, how his touch transforms you away!

Whereeeeeeee to whereeeeee only it went....

The first track and just the way he talks bout missing just your presence in some moments when it gets lonely to just have you beside him kinda missing and you breaks you down....it was finally to hear him tell you that he misses you too prolly the first time ever since bup!

It was a Skype call but just the way he elaborates bout missing you in different ways was to feel his love for you all over again.....it was that vibe with the song charlie to realize all that while you on your own living your side of love n missing for him and then to finally realise he still misses you he still loved you!

And the way he just smiles away and gives you another track the way it was just making him happy that beautifully and still crying you ask him watchjng you cry made him that happy ki sends you another track cause he that we'll knew if there was anything else apart from him that could make you that happy was His music...

And to that way he says it just made him happy to see how bad he was missed....cause youd stopped telling him so!

It was that thing bout music and moments like these tyinf to back to that first time too....

His fink playing prolly the second day or smthing after realising it was love after all....when the conversation goes to the age and you realise he was 4 years younger than you and tell him not sure bout that and the way he stops talking that pause after....ask him if he was there and that sound of him crying....asks you if you had to hang up or smthing and you don't n wait...the way he goes on bout having found you finally where all this while after his mom he was there for evrybody else now having had you finally there for him and you talk bout leaving again....finally mere liye koi hai and you too want to leave...the way he talks bout how lonely he did get after his mom the way he talks bout how much your presence you mattered to him you just stay couldn't speak a word cause hearing him cry you did too.... And that one pause he says you must be happy a guy cried for you to stay!

To just see him lost disturbed you, there was him crying!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For you to stay!

It just got weirder now this feeling right here !!!!!!

Amd you tel him it wasn't bout you leaving you were just scared bout the whole thing how everybody would take and the way he says we'll figure that out together...just be there with me karely!

Just stay with me!

I was his pride charlie!

More than anything else with that nothing you back then, still he was that proud of you could see that in his eyes everytime he looked at you..that gleam of happiness that gleam of pride to just have you the way he was just that happy.....

Love for street lights...

 Ever since then or those nites this one love doe street lights.....

Its those lil lil glimpses of his lookijg that beauuuuuuuuuutiful under the street light....

Those moments of where you wanted to run up to him and hold him away and yet let him live his missing in his own way....

As he doesn't answer the call and instead just stays there watching you!

It was that feeeeeling charlie living him in moments like these where you could see how bad he was missing you way worse than you and that need to run to him and yet him being him...and you let him!

It was that beauty of such moments with him just after that those moments with him that one face of his every time just before leaving chappals in hand keeps turning around comes back again holds you one more time one more chummi as he leaves....

Once down the waaaay he just wouldn't leave and also never lets you run to him....

It was that weird feeeeling everytime all of you being pulled away to him that one strong almost magnetic pull and him just doesn't let you!

It was that beauuuuuuuuuutiful weird and ironic...

Some nites some moments the more you try to hold your mind this feeeeeeeling every single time!

Feom a morning like this one to a moment like this one!

Street lights!

 Sometimes you are just this lost in the head u don't feel a thing think a thing just that numb....

Just that one question and that feeling it comes with every year...

That one familiar feel familiar longing that one familiar sound of the words and you just go that numb every year.....

What do you want for your birthday from your mom is when you realise it's your birthday month..

Priorities when you manage to remember just the dates that mean life to you!

 Everything else just blurs away in the mind!

That one question again, head out to your place his sound of music playing this lil on n off windy now.....look arpund and suddenly all the lights go out except that one street light down...

Lile it blacks out for a sec complete black out and just that one street kiyht as you look down!

Him standing there you in the balcony and that unsaid missing that you coild feel in his presence.....the way it almost felt like he just wanted you to come away with him....

Cause that's exactly what he did say just before leaving that nite I just wish I could take you away from everything else and just keep you with me...never leave you back here again!

The waay he just stood there under the street light almost early hours of the morning ...

Just stood there looking up at you and you living that missing of his.....

That nite you did tell him to take you away and he just nods back it was that feeeeling charlie like to think of it now there were many hints that he was dropping already.....it also did make you feel smthing...like u know that feel when smthinf just feels that tad bit different not like the usual.....but whoo hota nai you never are really prepared for the worse!

And this you definitely weren't EVER!!!!!!

Cause that was the only first and only thing ever you were that sure about in your life - Him...

Donno how this moment here him from that very nite..... Shortest chaddi messy beauuuutiful hair and that one adoorable sleepy face that refused to leave...just that stare just that wait!

U even call him asking if he wanted you to come down and he just nods and hangs up and again stays there still watching you....

Lile he didn't want to talk nothing just stay there , even that meet moments after the way he just holds you away and just keeps looking at you....you try to go close he moves you away and just watches you... like he just had to live your details holding your hand....

It all was that beautifully different that night...

No wonder that one terrace too one of your most loved places!

One of those closer hideout opera of yours!

This moment here you donno why of all the moments that one , that one nite....

Smthings nai!

Nites like these...!

Love!

 The waaaaay that moment the song makes you feel with the flashbacks of today's memory recall!

Time of your life, having lived his love having lived HIM!!!!!!

Having lived versions of him and loved each one as you lived...

Today in the noon having lunch and this self help book your manager was reading gets off to get smthing the sound of the oaes and try to put smthing over and this line off it.....never love too much, because anything in abundance is often taken for granted... Love too!

This has always in a way annoyed you, how do you even love enough just bout enough pau kilo wala pyaar ya fir 1 se 2 kg wala pyaar..... How do you even measure or sense tjats just that much of love that you need to love and not more than that!

With him with the way he loved you that's all you did feel learn and discover, you just loveeeeeeeeeeeee awaaaay!

Just love, just like he loved you back then, just love you awaaaaaaay and how !!!!!!

Learned the same way of love, times changed, that love remained the same, the way of loving remained the same...

How do you change that, how do you measure that and then realize that's when it gets taken forgranted!

How does one measure love!

For now the walk post feeeels of the song, this state of mind not getting any better I say....from that worst start of the day almost to this feeeel now.....

Him - that THAT many different beauuuutiful versions of him....

Even reliving him from that moment you looking at him n looking away try not to stay n stare but you just couldn't help it....to him that adooooorable shying away to that moment when all you three come out almost drenched thanks to lucky him still looking that beauuuuuuuuuutiful!!!!!

There was that smthing in those silent wordless moments charlie where he could sense it in you looking away and only when you try to walk out from the room he holds you away...still messy but that him high!

Even when in the dream the mention bout his fav places not even sure if that's even his actual fav place anymore, but opera apart from the obvious reason it was the place all HIM!!!!!

u did get to live the most beauuuuuutiful versions of him in that very place.....him your best friend to your dad in some moments to being your kid to that crazy beauuuutiful passionate love of yours.....

Every single time there was like discovering another beautiful version of his....

This nite tonite just the smell in the air as you write n work!!!!!

This mind in this moment right here where you are struggling to hold your mind to not write......

Some moments some sounds...!

Rehna tu...!

 Working on accounts with his music playing in your place and this chilllllll of the nite...no wonder this time of every year your most loved time!!!!!

Right from October the beauuuuty of the winters the smell in the air the Him in the air is all you breathe...

Mind wanders off n awaay to him instead and get on insta again to see him again and thus one post on your explore page the words being random but that beauty of the words the song most loved ar rehman songs - rehna tu...

There have been times charlie him high gin high and you sing the song heart out always wishing to some day sing it away to him.....

Wishes just like love, madness I say.... Time nai dekte logic nai dekte, bas nikal aate...

The song is all and more just Him.....!

To just love him just love him the way he is and everything that he is, to just love, neither less nor more, just love Him...

This beauty of music and words.....

The WOW moment2!

 Back then sudden plan when he just asks you to come down and soon as you get in the car takes you home.....

In his room and with lucky there he decides to give lucky a bath and then tells you for that he'll have to change bolkee....And also warns am telling you it's going to be revealing!!

Which you obvsly don't get it initially, only after he comes out of the washroom shortest chaddi possible with deeepest V sleeveless t the first time you'd seen him that way....seen anybody that way!

But ayyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one feeeeeeeeeeeeling Charlie when all of you goes WOWWW and yet that shyness to see him that way the waay him too lowers his chaddi a lil and then looks up at you looks away saying ab iskuu poore kapde pehen ke nai nila sakte...

Couldnt take your eyes off him....cause firstly he was looking gorgeous secondly ayyyaaaaaaaaa when he shies away na charlieeeeee ayyyaaaaa my poooora heart I say.....that one adooooooorably shy smile of his as he keeps looking at you looking at him and also shies away saying kya ghoorti tu aise...

In his washroom finally with him you and his lucky...

Him cleaning lucky and you making the most of Him that you were THAT lost and loooooooving !!!!!!!!

One splash of lucky water over you n him and that one adooooooooorableeee chuckle of his ab maloom kaiku aisa pehna mein.....

That very same moment you ask him how often does he give lucky a bath and ayyyaaaaaaa the waaaaaaaaaay he just knew what you meant by that and just nods away ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one nod of his takes your heart everything away and wooooosh bolkeee pooori melt!!!!!!

Hau hau dekhte and that nod again!!!!!

It was that one wish how you wished it was an everyday bath thing for lucky and for you ayyyaaaaaaaa just the sight seeing and whatttaaaaaa sight it was!!!!!

More than everthinf else it was Him in such moments charlie.....otherwise he could be the wildest the boldest but when it's bout him when it was bout you living him that way waise type.... Ayyaaaaaa that one shyness of his!!!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeee ekdummm seee writing writing tum ittteeeeeeéeee zooor zoooooor se yaaad aaare miyaaa!!!!!

The WOW moment!

 Having one of the worst starts to the day to this one beauty of a moment'.....

Right in the middle of the store that urgency to see him again cause of that one sound of his song...out of nowhere!

And aaj kal that same check over his insta on n off hoping for that one most loved red circle I say!!

Ting bolkeeeee that one sec of khushi soon as you spot it, with that one wish one big hope some pic of his and there it was ayyaaaaaaaa some visuals as doesn't really sound appropriate today but some feels you just gotta flow with it in that moment one deliciousness of a visual but dhadaaaaam se that one flashback...

More than how handsome sexy goooooood he looked it was that visual replay that you were drawn to!!

It's that thing bout visuals charlie now on your way back home looking around and some place smthing that sort of pulls you like literally pulls you away and howwwww and with that the visual the memory pops up....it's like you are living the present bit breathing the most loved time of your life...

!!!!!!!

 All through that walk he still was talking bout someone but the way he didn't let go of your hand even for a sec.....

That was love for you the way with every sharing he was holding you away instead.... like you still could feel his strong love for you !!!!!

But this thing bout Love charlie it does make you selfish in a way.....in its own way!!!!

When you want to be the one just the one that they love and want to be with....

Cause if you still have someone other to be with and then love somebody it never is love in the first place.....

Cause love itself means wanting to love someone be there to love wanting to love in different ways with words woth moments with life..... To love someone to life with as you Love...

Cause when that will of wanting to be with that one goes missing, the love is already gone!

You must want to share that this anything to everything silly mad passionate to absolute crazy ones with that one anything at all through the worst ones to the best ones.....that wanting to love wanting to be loved wanting to be with the one you love...

That will, zest, passion, sureness to love, wanting to be with.....

It's was the most disturbing strangest of all dreams you've had!

That one moment that one touch remains your calm...

Him holding your hand away all through it!

Lost!

 Not too sure where or how to start even!

Prolly the worst worst dream n nite of sleep ever!!!!!

The only thing beauuuutiful bout it like always His presence....him holding your hand away through the nite all through the dream...

The way it felt strangely like a reality check......cause you being you for your own mad mind reason did think him unblocking you just 2 days before your second most loved day of life he still maybe felt the same for you, still in love with you maybe and mayyybe just maaaybe he still did remember too...

To the zillion other dreams inckusing day before one that feeeeeel of his love and the one yesterday almost changed it all away......one reality check.

Some forest like place and him holding your hand and then pulls you closer holds all of you away and just stays that way where there was another you sitting a lil away and watching him hold you to the moment when he starts to talk bout someone....

And then suddenly tells you he needs to take u to some place....like through the dream you couldn't really visually see see him just his voice and his hands holding yours...

Walks a lil ahead of you still holding your hand and then tells you I'll take you to her fav place she really likes it and that one feeeeeeeling charlie where you want to that bad run away from that moment run away hide away from that moment but the thing holding you the hand holding you was all that mattered cause you atleast were still living him livimf that moment with him.....

As he keeps walking you ask him which was his fav place and the way that beauuuuuuuuuutiful change of tone in his voice saying howlii of all people you don't know bout it, it's the stadium and opera....

It was like he was still in love with you but just didn't want to be with you......cause that's when you know why he didn't want to invest in that kind of time with you.... communication sharing giving attention sharing words sharing moments sharing lilst of things wanting to know details sharing details communication are the things when you want to be with someone life woth someone.....it's only then you share yourself with someone...

And after bup that's never been the same....

It was like all through those moments as he talks bout someone you did realize the same...

To that moment when you finally reach the place and instead turns to you and holds you again.... And tells you you must bring someone you love here too it's a beautiful place the most beautiful irony of that moment being you already were living that moment right there....

It had that same feeling charlie everything inside in your throat that choking feel cause you couldn't speak your pain out cause in that moment he sounded happy sharing something with you and you in your way did find happiness in that moment being held by him being able to live that moment with him...cause right from the start him being happy mattered the most to you, always will.......

It was that same feeling when he did ask you that question back then what if someday I'm not in your life what will you do..... That feeeeeling as he holds you and talks bout someone was that feel, now what will you do!!!!

All that love , lived loved, now what will you do!

Teriiii ayeee!

 Every single time charlie everyyyyyyy single he comes like this in that very VERY moment!!!!!!!!

Him ayyyaaaaaaaaàa Him meraaa poooora ka poooora big round full heart I say!!!!!!!!!

On your way back home passing by his coffee place lookijg around for him that sudden switch of his song from one song playing to suddenly it switches to this one that he had liked year back or smthing and ayyaaaaaaa of all the days t9day ayyyaaaaaa khaaaab mein mereeeeeee saanj saweeereee mereeeee bajuuuuu baaaajuuuu mereeeee ayyyaaaaaa doooor hoookeeee bhiiii paaaas hai meree ayyaaaaa moments like theseee misseeeing him zoorseee n him there tabbii k tabiiiii this moment this you in this moment here.....

Ayaaaaa bin gin peeyeee him highhh I say!!!!!!

 Ayaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeee tummmm kitaaaaa kittaaaaaa kittuuuuuuu yaaaad areee miyaaaa!!!!

Fulll goosebumps I say!!!!!

Switching awaaaay all modes !!!!!!

Moment...

 Jag ghumeyaaaa howleee ke jaisaaa nai koi.....kabhi haq saare rakhta hai, kabhi samjhe begaani kahi...!

Moments like these from as you sleep to ever since having woken up...

Him...

to become Him...!

Kabhiiiiii toh!

 Jab yaha waha kahaaaa kahaaaaa you look for him signals gallis everywhere just to see him for a sec kahiii thooo dikh jaye same country same city and YET!!!!!

Kabiiiii thooo oopar wale ku bhi nai lagtaa jaando ineee itnaaa dhoondri saalo se yele dekhle bolkee.....

Kabiii tho hota nai charlie that one actual moment of magic when yoyce been this strongly zooooorse been looking for him almost every where possible kabiii tho dikh jaye.....

Ayyyaaaaa that feeeeling every time you pass by looking for him around, that one stretch of signal right before his fav coffee place and the tree before the mall is that psssychedelically lit every year this time around....like u look through such traffic stretch hoping waiiiitinf to see him kabiii thooo kahii tho!

Ayyaaaaaaaaa that THAT one face that one Him in the world for you...!

strange nai!!

 Sometimes to think of it now as you read him n relive it all, this sudden dhadaam si feeling it's the same him almost actually, that you are this scared of now...

Kyaaaa nai!!!!

That ineee to this ineeee......

moments like these!!!!

 This beauty of suchaaaaa cold nite where u can't feel ur nose no more, out in your place his music on, reading his handwritten handmade card.....living him n his love for you from back then...

Cause today the morning the moments through the day felt like you were waking up in 2009...

The year that changed transformed u and your life for life...

That strooong rush of misseeing n that need to live that haaaaaaaaaaandsomeness of his n that very moment there He was online just a sec but to you that one sec of happiness......

Cause this you today n the misseeing today not sure how it's going be normal again.

Some days some visuals waking upto it n the logic or no logic with it, just beyoooond you!