the sound.....

could a sound just a sound really do tha t to you !!!!!!!

like you are sitting all by yourself nowhere thats familiar or youve been there ebfore with him kinda place.....

and in a moment of your own people watching with your coffee on your own and this sound from nowhere like who even plays enriwue aaj kal but this sound the track plays and that feeeeeeeel only when they play it again again a shocker who replays a song in a public space.... and the sec theline goes are you ready for the second time goooooosebumps that rush to shut your eyes and there he was memory being at opera and yet that feeeeeeeeeeeee like it was tabii k tabii there and then that you could see him see his face that expression that one expression in moments like those that close to your face.... like it makes you that beauutifully uncomfortable to live through it and yet that need to keep your eyes shut just so you could live him from that very moment as  the track plays....

to that rush runnn to get bak in the car and listen to the song on youtube.....

jsut so you could live him away from it all......

the waaaaaaaaaaaay all of him play sthough you lives through just withthe sound......

like the sound plays and brings him pulls him closer to you and howwwwwwwwww.............

like you could seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee him literalllllllllllllly seeeeeeeeeeee him his face his lips his eyes looking into yours his messy hair that one expression that one face in moments or before moments that clear like it was just yesterday.....

like he was right there charlie in that very momen there......

just with the sound ?????????!!!!!!!!!!

the moe you smtimes think of moments like these themore it amazes you if its your missing getting crazier or stuff like these happen for real with others too......


just to the osund ???????????????

To love.....

yesterday just sitting there living him from that moemnt and reliving that love of his for you.....

how much you really mattered t o him......

lik you jus listening to that track made that big of a diff that he wanted to know why that track.....

to that moent when you just tell him it wasnt cause of that reason what he thot it was bout.... and then just by looking at your face knows it.....

it was your another first time of living msuic sound of music with the feels too.....

like through those few days of him being away there was your bunch of missing him songs like the casual missing him living him with his music kinda music and then there were those late nites when he is still yet to talk before slepping this onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy you write smthing and this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling after writing it out.......

SOME REALIZATIONS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

there were those moments sitting out all by yourself on the terrace listening to these few songs that made you miss him in the hmmmst of ways possible....

2-3 tracks but that was your first time expeirencing this side of love with his msuic.....

yesterday when you listen to it after this long thsi beautiful realiztaion.....

how everything with him all those first times right from the vry start....

like pages of you being touched and transformed away by and with him......

that nite he asks you the first thing on teh fone....

like literally make syou say it out by asking how does it make you miss me that track....

how do you miss me then when you listen to it.....

and that beauuuuutiful silence wait that comes after even writing it now living that sound of his voice asking you that sound of his smile withthat wait......

GOOSEBUMPS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

moment years after relived again.....

exaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaactly why you sturggle to stay off writing him and this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling state of you that this detailed wrtiing him leaves you fills you p with ....................

and for the first time you tell him in words smthings you wannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa write and yet knowwwwww cant !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thsi state of mind all this is leading you to !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His way of love !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smtims not sure if would get worser than it already is or its just that neeeeed to write it out exctly how you feel in the moemnnt or that you felt yesterday when the sound of the track plays in the background.....

knowing just knowwwwwwwwwwing what ad how it only gets after wirting him in and with the detials......

soooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhh anywyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in your spot at the opera.....

and the waaaaay usual stops the car and that beauuuuuutiful wait all over his face turns to you takes ur fone and plays the track and the sec it starts looking you in the eye syas are you ready .......................................................................................

smthingsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

later asks you again so still not in love.....

and thens leeps over your lap and just stays and just bout to say smthing saying you know karely.....

and you interrupt him prolly first and only time that you did.....

and tell him it wasnt bout not in love thing that you liked listening to it.....

and just by your voice gets off and loosk at you holding your face away and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like always when he used to live your epression in moments like those it wasnt bout just seeing you it was more bout reading your state of mind reading you out screening you out kinda beauuuuuuuuuuty of those moments.....

and you hide away in him andtell him it makes the missing better when he was away in bombay.....

and pulls you away from him and then watches your face again and that smileeeeeee that khushiiiiiiiii on his face is when you know like everything else bout you he did get this one too witout you having to put it in words.....

it was more bout missing him in hmmmm ways that sort of this track made it better.....

strangely weirdly it used to !!

and the way this thing he loved doing even days after this incident gets off to get smthing or anything at all standing walking  towards you from a distance.... and that one look at you like look you in the eye and wlak upto you.... and soo n as he gets in that one line so not in love and tells you nobody ever looked at me the way you do it makes me feel like am all you wanna see.....

and again that exct same thing you see him live him and theers not a single frame outside of him that you would wanna glance at even for a sec.....

it was that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful pulll like being connected pulled towards him no matter how far he would stand or doing smthing talking to someone over the fone like you just live him and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like the stare just held like you yourself being held by him wihout him even knowing bout it.....

like you cant move look away or wanna look away, just that pullll closer to him connected to him in themost beauuuutiful of ways.....

its teh waaaay he would keep sayign how you look at him the way you look at him even while driving but charlie there was thatbeauuuuuuuuuty of him.....

when he is least awar eof himself to live those moments live those details of his......

like there were  those him loving you moments talking to you but those are being self aware the ones where he is upto smthing walking back on the fone driving around people is when you lived him loved him all the more.......

to just live him when he is least aware of himself to just live that beauuuuuuuuuuty of every single smthing anything of his......

making you more his making you love him more making you realize what and how much he was changing you changing yoru life your moments your definition of love your definition of senses of all the senses smell touch see listen feel transforming all of those away just by his presence without him even being aware of it.....

you could never tell him what and how much you just loooooooooooved living his presence but not that he dint know of it .......

its just the waaaaaaaaay he is when he is not aware toooo his lilst of details his frowns his smilesss his anything at alll like literally has a  word of its own.....

like you know still talking to you even if he is walking upto you still talking to you even if he is sharing that one stare with you even of  asec and knowing how you feel when you look back at him......

it used to amaze him why and the way you lived his presence and loved it that much but you could never verbally tell him what and how much it meant t oyou......

cause it was changing you and HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW !!!!!!!!!!!!

this one track after years prollyyy yesterday when you were having coffee at this place closeby to the studio and this track plays initially it dosnt really ting you it was the same song......

that same feeeeeeeling of familiar clos your eyes and the second time it plays with are you ready is when you see him..... like from there on that moment on it all starts......

its like any song of his sort of unfolds him away and howwwwwww !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jsut withthe sound......

His way of love !!!

back then when he gets you a fone and then puts up all his music on it just cause he was off  to bombay again for smtime.....

so he wanted to have you his music his way of keeping him closer to you with his msuic......

prolly 2-3 days back in hyd and those first few meets ever since back he had this habit of checking ur fone ur music actually like it had this thing bout knowing which particular track was on still that on that listening thing.....

like can know which song the person wasl istening to....

and this one track by enriq ue title goes not in love......

and he sees that looks at you and says ohhh i see not in love just a phase.....

and that one loooook of his that one adooooooooooorable posseessive look of his to just see you listening to that track..... and tells you there wer others too why this track....

and you just be liivng that expression the complete adoooooooooooorable vibe of his face his expression his love for you and make the most of it without sayin anything.....

also partly cos you werent very verbal then bout what and how you felt bout certain thins..... that shyness call it what there was tsill there despite of it all......

and you just be living his expression and him wiating for the reply.....

the next day too does the very ame thing again soon as you get in the car takes ur fone talkin yaha waha ka and then checks the plalist and sees it was still the same track.....

the initial plan that day was for a movie and instead he  takess you off and away.....

you usual over his shoulder and then pulls you to sleep over his lap.... is when you knowww the movie it wasnt....

him talkin yaha waha ka and you still waiting for his reacton over it cause that day he dosnt saya  word bout it.....

and that one ishaaaraaaa of his is when you knowww it was opera.....

and not the movie !!!!!!!

a lil away after the gate so not in love haan and smiles ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee thummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm zorkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yaaaaaaaaaaad maaaaaaaareeeeeeeeeee miyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! abiiiiiiiiiiii k abiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

H sound of music...!

not sure if you are struggggggling to hide away from your own mind or just that lil bit almost happy high , tipsy but that bit of lil happy high that you cant get that smile off your face.....

as now everytime the line goes are you ready you see him you hear him you could almost see him that up close to your face saying it with that one smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee on him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i swear gir jaaaaaaanaaaaaa dooooob jaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaa woooooooosh bolkeeeee melt ho jaaaaanaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT one smile i saaaaaaaaayyyyy !!!!!!!!!!!

his music always ever since the very start ever since that first sound had has a way of its own.....

like it lamost feels like the sound brings him pulls him along closer to you just like that no matter where you are what you are dong he i s just there........

with that sound that cose to you tat you could almost touch him smell him feeeel his presence that close toyou !!!!!!!!!!!

his sound his music that one beauuuuuuutifffffffffful way of its own.....

always beeeeen !!!!!!!!

and that leaves you this beuatifully unsure if you are toooo happpy that you felt him that close or t left you lookingmore for him......

Its not the language....

after posting this sudden ting if your handwriting is bad or worse, then its just worse....

language too cant help or save you from it i say !!

when the first letter almost looks like an ass......

and yet that bit of khushi i say that one name one word !!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa billboards around written across the city i say now thoo !!!

Him...

World of your own...

changing the driver for teh zillionth of time as they dont drive safe enough to avoid the scratches around.....

and aaj bhi a new one and on your way when the driver keeps askign which turn to take next on your way back home....

and you keep saying the next one next one.... and that beauuuuuuuuty of him as you zone out for a sec......

back to when him dropping you back home in one of those meets after bup....

and as he dint know that house of yours and keeps asking you which lane to take next and you keep saying not yet not yet saying the right turn was far ahead and the waaaaaaay he just looks at you as you keep saying nahi aur aage aur aage and that one smileeeeeeeee with that signature all of you melting away nod of his says dekh bolru idhar he utaar detu.... soorat dekh im sure that right turn we crossed long back....

and like everything bout you this too he was that sure of just by your face.....

cause you did pass by that right turn to your house long back it was you living those few mins that you could possibly hold onto lviing him.....

and him not knowing where exactly your house was did serve as the biggest gift jsut so you could stay longer live him for longer.....

and just by your face again he knew was that sure of you jsut wanting to be with him for longer instead.....

today asyou keep saying its the next one that very moment that face of his that smileeeeeeeee of his that echo of his voice makes you smile the biggest and unnoticeable smile that dosnt goes unnoticed by your mom.....

and the way she says you smile the most beautiful smile when you are lost in your own mind.... that it actually makes her wonder who or what jsut crossed your mind....

is when you also realize this beautiful fact there is happiness like the ultimate one and then the rest are only the "versions" of happiness...

like you know there is that ultimate one like no other and the rest that you live through the day are just the versions of the term happiness...

to you it will always be Him...

no wonder makes you happy from the inside out like nothing else possibly could......

this lil world of Him that you live through, hidden away and inside of you !!

this feeeeeeeling now as you write and feel this misseeeing growing waaaaaaaaaaaaay worse than you already were.....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaay writing him makes it this beauuuuutifully worse than it already was !!

The Him in zillion ways...

from saying a no to that random jacket to that need to jsut be away jsut so you could live him more.....

get away and on your way home from that moment to seeing those boards of his name again and trying to learn how to write his name in telgu....

to finding this song today.....

and this realization occuring reoccuring for teh zillionth time....

you dont just miss his love miss him but miss every bit of him, miss him in any and every way possible...

everything bout him, all of him !!!!!!!!!!

to that moment of living that mad weird moment inside and wondering how he did change you you changed with him after all... when a very normal and yet weird advert tag line makes you wanna share it with the only one you ever would.....

we experienced ripe papaya for teh first time... for some holiday or smthing it was bout !!!!!

the tag line as you read sounded way more dirty than it sounds now as you write it out.....

and the only name only person that rings through you that very sec as you find it weirdly dirty and absurd with the picture and their whole expression with that bold tag line under the advert - Him.....

is when you also realize how much he did change you after all !!

like the only one you could just be yourself with.....

the only one that knew you like nobody ever did.... not even your mom who thinks she knows you the most and the best and everytime she says that that one nod that comes fataaak seee saying yeah right !!!!!!

the only one youve been yourself with, again not intentionally but the way he just used to bring that actual you out and how with him.....

soooooooooooooo yahhhh !!!!!!!!

to this song today on your way to the studio that you get notification of on youtube or mail it was smthing.... of the new coldplay track....

and the title as much as you wanted to avoid but that need to give it a listen as it was coldplay after all !!

and the sec it plays shut your eyes away and the only one person that you could think feel see was Him...

there is that much hate pain complains why you feeling everytime this one word - daddy father that you anyway come across....

and then there are moments when you feel responsible for almost everything like you know be the man in the house kinda responsible with that hint of smthing if only there was that person who could take care of it instead you having to do it all.....

there is that line between being responsible independent which is great is the best feeling but there is also that need to know you got someone you know specially for a daughter you have your dad kinda thing to still take care of you.....

off late that feeling like never before....

and you donno know why if its the dad thing or just the care bit that you miss in life.....

more now.....

and this one song as it plays through shutting your eyes away and play it on loop with every piano and heart beat note theres him.....

visuals of him holding your back through the crowd on the way out from movie guiding you keeping you holding you safe and away from the touch of teh others....

to knowing just by the sound of your voice that youve had some bad dream as you answer his call late at nite back then.... this one time when you were asleep and he calls you real late from bombay and you answer his call at the very first ring and the same second he dosnt say  a word and then tells you how happy he is feeling right now and you ask him why or smthing and he asks you instead if you had a dream or smthing cause you dint sound okay.....

not sure if you did have one or maybe just the ringer shook you or smthing in sleep but you not sounding okay becomes more important to him than sharing why he was happy and more so just by the sound of your voice just a hi or smthing it must have been but he just knew you woke up with a shake or smthing.....

to just peeling off the dry skin off your nose when you had cold back then like he just looks at you as you talk smthing just before getting off the car and holds your face mid conversation and smiles that smileeeeeeeeeeee and gently pulls off that dry skin off your nose that embarrasses you as he does but him having his happy moment doing that too.....

as you tell him what if it was it waskhachra or smthing and him still smiiiiiiling as he gently pulls it off.....

moments like these a zillion more when he would get mad at you correcting you over smthing or just tell you bout how not to put the pink lipcolor or just general talks to be this to be that to make smthing out of your passion for drawing......

to just finding him knowing you more than you knew yourself to just finding him love you more than your mom ever did or your father.....

to just finding that dad father in him that you lost growing up....

as a kid your father was everything to you meant everything to you someone you loved the most but growing up understanding seeing knowing things you did eventually realize your mom always filled up for your father.... cause your dad was never there !!!!!

never really the dad that you thought you had !!!!!

to years later this one guy walks into your life and gives you back what you had lost waaaay back then..... in the waaaaaaaay exaaaaactly in the way maybe the best waaaaaaaay possible the dad love that you never had felt or experienced.....

to just know you had him finally to just know there was that dad in him amongst the zillion other things that you loved him for..... there was that dad in him that you had found that loved you more than you wished for as a kid......

there are zillion ways charlie i miss him his presence his voice his smell his touch his chummi his hugs to hide away in his friendship his madness his innocence his wilderness literally and there is that dad in him too that you miss along with the others.....

that one place in your life !!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooo yahhhhhhh this song today gives you that sense of healing......

cause you dint hurt or feel that sense of ache with bitter feeling of the word daddy.... but the waaaaaaaay there was all him that you could feel miss live as you listen to it....

smthings you just donnooooooo are just beyond you.....

Him in moments...

be it yesterday when that cousin of one of your client friend offers you his jacket as it was that cold last nite walking her back home....

like the sec you see that one visual that feeeel of him.....

a day before your birthday out for avatar with his sister and mango....

and you down with fever n cold....

mango offers his shirt instead and you say a no and he still dosnt get it why, he looks at you through the rear view just to see your face whilst both mango and his sister insist on you taking mangos shirt and him looking at you through the rear view and that one smileeeeee of his as you nod saying a no at him and that beauuuuuuuuuuuuty of his smile in moments like these sharing waaaay more than just words with you just with that smile of his.....

and gets off saying he'll take of f his t shirt instead and wear mangos shirt over it....

and actually sprays it over with the deo of his in the car and then gives it to you.....

that one khushi i swear charlie that looooooooveeeeee of wearign anything his to just feeeeel his presence his smthing on you over you !!!!!!

LIFE again !!!!!!!

as you walk with his sister as they leave to the car park to bring the t shirt along that one stare he shares with you that was him realizing why you said no to mangos shirt and that was him living that khushi of you wanting to wear just his instead that you could see it on him.... ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i swear charlie you should see him his face in such situations that one khsuhi of his on him that makes him look all the more beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifullest i say !!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu beauuuuuuuuuuuuty howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee YOU were missed this moment right here !!!!!!!!!!!!

Moments to live through...

like when the start was like this you for sure dint know what followed after....

lilst of moments beige chaddis his blue n red stripe t shirt bullet crossing you listening to lucky ali and to that line kitni haseen zindagi and a random man talking on the fone prolly on the bike lifts one hand in the air with a praise like movement....

as random as this lilst of moment puts a smile on you cause in your heart all of you on the inside was that just that happy waking up to that presence of his....

like anything at all lilst of traces of his presence was making you happy.....

the blue billboards saying its time for blue passing by that shopper stop petrol bunk that says i o c but to you that o becomes heart c like these crazy random moments and you were just that all the more and just like that lost in all things him.....

lilst moments of magic absolute magic and most of them today you dont remember now.... cause there were that many of them.....

to this another highlight one being seeing this board of movie tht says beach ready Chetan...

to almost every corner around you could see these movie posters of the same and that feeeeeeeeeling ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa everywhere around his name i say !!!!!!!!

like no matter where you look where you read its him all you read....

it was just making you that happy.....

is when you realize relive and realize this is your happiness this is what completes you.....

this version of love thsi version of him that you have with you....

pata hai charlie there must have been a zillion times that it made you wonder why despite of wanting to see him the most in your life like nothing else, why couldnt you just say yes that day......

that version of him is smthing you dont know anymore.....

and maybe that day dint really want to see either....

it was different, dint feel yours...

in your mind this version of his and in this version the love of his still there for you, just for you, is how you want to live it with.....

it strangely weirdly madly still feels just yours in your mind as you live through these moments or live him through the dreams..... it still feels just yours !!

it in a way shocks you not just surprises you, cause its his face in the crowd all you search for every sec out almost....

hoping wishing in some corner you find him see him for a bit almost every second when out.....

no matter where you are even if its not closeby still looking for him kahi thooo to just find him live him...

just that one face in the world, just that one him in the world for you...

Magic 2 !!

soooooooooo yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!

where to whereeeeee again only it went !!!!!!!!!!

the dream...

asleep and this sound of his voice talking smthing constantly.....

like you could just hear his voice not really the words.....

and you try to smell your way through that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his presence that you can smell through..... and you try to follow the lil trail of his smell like you just move closer to where you could smell his presence the most so you know now you are closest to him...

and the sec you find that place and slowly without moving much try to look for him with your hand....

and that one touch that one sec of finding his presence his legs it was that close to you and you just be feeling the baal on his legs, again one of your most loved things to do with him.... to just feeeeeel his presence doing that !!!!!

just that smthing that used to make you the happiest along with the other things too obvsly !!!!!

sooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!

mind diversion !!!!!!!!!!!

back to the legs.......

as you feel his presence and just stay and he moves a lil more closer to you and holds your other hand.... and gets back to talking to you and you just be and make those hmm sounds like no word nothing just the sound so he knows you ar elistening....

still not sure what it was bout what he was talking bout but that whole beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful vibe of those few mins.....

to just feeeeeeeeeeel just touch his him presence to just know he was there talking to you wanting to talk to you wanting to let you touch him feel his presence to just be there with you wanting to be there close closer to you just that vibe charlie jst that realization even be it for the dream - WORLD LIFE i say !!!!!!!!!!!

like you keep moving dheere dheere closer to him and that peace calm comfort that you felt just being close to him to jus feel his presence hear his voice saying smthing to you that dint make sense thoguh cause not a single word that you could hear but just that sound of his voice and that touch of his presence and you almost wake up making those still hmm sounds as if you were listening to him talk.....

you make the sound wake up to the sound of the alarm.... the very first thing like always look for him cause you could still smell his presence like always again.....

around you, around the room to that realization again.....

never putting the alarm again !!

that beauuuuuuuuuuty of that dream there was nothing and yet everything, cause there was that feeeeel of his presence that feeeeeel of him wanting to be with you.....

and you alone know what that means to you, meant to you !!

Gifted, magic...

there are moments that you live him in dreams and then there are moments like these...

yesterday there was this him in the most beautiful way.....

you remember sleeping to the sound of his music playing real slow as you were that dead tired with all that work and stuff through the day.....

its this thing charlie new found happy place......

through the day the load of work meets and stuff and then there is that two long hours of traffucked journey back home.... which now is your happy place....

as its almost pretty late in the nites now no matter how early you start off to come back home.....

this time late nites drive home and you lost in his music looking out of the window living him from back then those late nite winter evening drives back home either from opera or simply anywhere......

the chill in the air now not as cold as back then but still cold for you.....

the winter chill that you can smell in the air, mostly put the windows down smell the chill in the air and live him from back then.....

watching him losing yourelf in him a lil more as you watch the street lights in intervals fall on his face as he looks at you beech beech mein whilst driving and those smileeeeeeeeeeeeeees those stares of his smtimes..... talking to you in a million more words just by those smileeeees of his smtimes teling you how bad he wanted you to be a lil longer with him a lil closer to him.... as mostly on the way back home just a lil closer to your apartment and you would move a lil away from him a lil off his shoulder and get a better view of him... to just live him for those few mins till you reach home.....

to make the most of those few mins to just live him every lil detail of his every blink of his eye every smile stare of his.... to just live him charlie was your life !!!!!!!!!!

like the start and end of it pretty much !!!!!!!!

it was that feeeeeeeeeeeeeel like you know youll see him again tomo or maybe that nite istelf when he again comes over to see you.... but that love passion madness to just live him even for those few mins without touching being too close and to just move a lil away and just live him...... and the waaaaaaaay he would jus know any moment now you will soon be spending those few mins losing yourself in him.... and as you move a lil away from his shoulder and look at him and that one change in that smileeeee of his to a nod to that nod !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i tell you the zillion things you miss bout him.....

the zillionnnnnnnnnnnnnn ways you miss him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exactly whyyyyyy you stay away from writing aaj kal !!!!!!

struggling to learn to change yourself !!!!!!!!!

sttttrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggglllllllllliiing literally !!!!!!!!!

this state of mind right now it lands you in !!!!!!!!!!!

this exact state of you !!!!!!!

Beyond the this and the that !!

there is this lil world that lies waaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond breathes waaaaaaaaaaayyyy beyond the this and the thats of the ordinary world living breathing around you...

its this lil world inside of you thats all Him...

its the world you come home to every day.......

wait for it and it happens everyday that you come home to !!

like before actually walking into that lil world of yours there is this weird empty hollow pain like feel that you feel inside your stomach..... so much so it aches, real bad !!

but all this is until you actually finally manage to get some shut eye....

like always never really know when you fall asleep but its that world that you finally land in.... knowing just knowing this is where youll find him, again !!

like always, every nite, almost, pretty much every nite !!

its here that you find him its here that he stays wants you to stay misses you kisses you holds you talks to you in words you dont really remember most of the times, but like the place you always come home to and waiiiiiiit for it to land you in.....

just so you could be with him, this time for as long as YOU wish to !!!!!!!!

like its completely upto you again smthing completely different and exactly opposite to the reality of it..... like its all upto you for as long as you can hold yourself and not make any of those sudden movements no matter how deliciously delicious he looks or no matter how close you feel his presence his touch his voice his daaaaadi no matter what to just hold yoruself away from making those sudden movements that again make him disappear.....

this one lil world that you come home to, waaaaaaaaaay beyond the this and the thats.....

says who, you gotta live a life just like how everybody thinks to be lived like.....

this him that you have now that you come home to pretty much completes makes up fro the hollowness that runs through the day, the only bad it dosnt really stay after the waking up...

thats when these lilst of moments that your day is filled with, sort of in a way makes up for it !!

beautiful, very, if you think of it now...

a place where he is still, just as he was..... or maybe loves you more now wants you to stay makes you wanna stay holds you to stay talks to you to stay !!

That one presence...

even be it with just the sound, is when you know how much and how lil too of his presence means to you !!!!!

in the middle of nowhere at work today that late and yet that very sec that feeeeeeeeeeel of his presence the sec you hear the track......

like you almost felt his touch like that same almost same well, beauty of his presence....

what who how it was for, donno all that you know and wanna stick with is how and what it still is making you feel like now listening to it on loop ever since.....

dated with the most loved year date of your life - 2009...

prolly the second song in the recent likes of his that moved you LIKE THIS !!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooo yeah !!!!!!!!!!!!!

to his other like on the channel being one for the international film festival his film being selected for yet annother word......

finally this one where you could hit a like and finallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly save it up with you on your channel.....

again one of those mad wishes to just hit a like over his film trailer cause some things you just cant fight or get over.....

having had that one wish more than him for himself of his directed written film and now finally as he did you couldnt be a part of anyway......

whooo hotaaa nai charlie that one wish you wish for the strongest and when it finally does come true after the longest wait ever and you find yourself being waaaaaaay far off from living the dream coming true..... and finally today thsi strange lil happiness to just be able to hit a like bhi.....

weird lil heart say the kinda things it can find the khushi in......

is beyond words !

again happens with almost anything to everything to do with him...

finding happiness in the lilst n strangest of ways i say !! 

some sounds...!

isnt it beautiful how some sounds sort of can consume you in the most beautifully painful way !!

if that even makes sense.....

not sure what or how it was or to even call it the most beautiful coincidence...

but to you in that moment it meant the world.....

not a love song not anything or not sure what it even was bout.....

but in that moment it just felt like he was there with you in that very moment with you.....

like just there !!!!!!!!!!

its been bad not like you are unhappy or smthing as you are too caught up with setting up the studio hell lotta work still to be done and yet there was that weird feeeeeeel in your gut that you culd feel that strong.....

just that need.....

just to be cared for and bout !!

donno why or how you felt that way for the first time and right then this beauty happens of his music...

and it suddenly soothes all of you away and HOW !!!!!!!!!!

like the inside of you that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully calm it was hurting in the most beautiful way.....

with just a tear but strangely that one beautiful calm it overfilled you up with.....

like there and then just that beuatifully touched by him...

looking up at these flock of birds and this one bird not sure if it was the same one or not but the way this one bird was flying different than the rest....

like the others flying cause they are meant to like their purpose to fly.....

but this one bird just like Him...... the most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful human bird.....

this one bird today flaps the wings and then takes that one beauuuuuuuuuutiful sway across the sky in one wave like pattern like without moving or flapping the wings just that one beauuuuutiful sway wave like across the sky.....

like you living the flight it was on....

and then after that wave, flaps the wings once or twice and then again takes that one bigger wave like sway across the sky......

like you could almost feel it live enjoy that flight to the most.....

different than the rest......

just like him like no other in the world.....

and that need to hear him tabhi k tabhi and the sec you get on his other page this one beauty of his sound.......

like after his dreams that restlessness of not being able to make sense of it and yet cant help but go with it.... just cause thats how strong his presence in the dream made you feel !!

to this day today when last few days that badly wanting to be cared bout and this song happens today......

smtimes you just donnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo what or how but is the way it is...!

First time ever...

this prolly was smthing  you felt for the very first time in your life.....

this feeling was new for the first time that you felt ever !!!!!

and was the strongest !!!!!!!!!

last 2-3 days this weird first time feel of just being cared bout cared for....

maybe that familiar feeling that he went through back then...

when you weirdly were that tired of being taking care of things and not being cared bout.....

like there was that strong need to be cared for cared bout.....

like to just be cared bout, not sure where and how did it come from....

but like been feeling this very strongly last 2-3 days....

maybe it was his dream that made you miss him that bad and then to relive that feeeeeeeeeel of being loved !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just being loved by him !!!!!!!!!!!

like maybe that was the start or wheer it came from...

but the last few dasy were that bad...

busy in a good way with the setting up of the place and all but this one strange never felt kinda feeling that was only growing with each passing day..... dint feel right weirdly hurting and yet not hurting kinda feel.....

to just be cared bout !!!!!!!!!!

exact feel exact same word that kept ringing through you last 2-3 days....

and today waiting at the dye wala cause the masterji couldnt pick up stuff and you wait for it to be done sitting on the terrace kinda thing and these birds with their beautiful flight again making you relive him as they sway across the sky......

and that need to just hear him and you head over to his other channel to play his chill list and these few new likes....

again cause that one you rarely see unlike his other khufiya channel that you almost see many times through the day too.....

and this one track THAT ONE BEAUTY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and the only word statement feel to describe what and how it made you feel - most beautiful form of pain...

His sound of music i swear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never get used to !!

it wasnt bout looking at someone cause the guy looked like him, it was bout living him in the present in someone...

like that slightest closest trace of him in someone made you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of living him for real in the waking state most importantly.....

like you know when you are not dreaming him again and are actually awake and you see him in that same grey arri t shirt kinda moment it was....

and you run away from it cause you dint want your mom to think it was cause you were lookin at some random guy and sharing that smile or moment.....

like you know ready to move on kinda vibes....

cause you alone know what and how MUCH that moment those few mins mean to you !!!!!!!

like you know living him for real after years !!!!!!!!

thats exactly how fcked and lost a mind been waaaaaaay tooooo high on miseeeing could possibly get !!!!!!!!11

like it makes you zone out in the most beauuuuutiful possible way ever !!!!!!!!!

and that realization today of his place in your life again where you still dint feel that sense of happiness like the way that moment left you with.....

cause there was Him in that moment.....

and these words today this pure beauty of words striking at the right time on one of your most followed pages by iron j.....

she is not the kind of woman you get used to, she is the kind you wake up everyday to and thank god each and every day for it...

everytime you come across smthing this beautiful like this on that page theer eis that Him on your mind that you replace the she with always....

cause the writer quotes stuff with just the she in it....

in your mind the way the she disappears that beautifully slow and replaced with Him...

Him - you could never get used to him, despite of living him every single day back then meeting him being with him and yet the next day there was that sense of magic like feeeeeel rushing through you the sec you see him again.....

that one face in the world that one him in the world for you, could never get used to....

no wonder there was you replacing that one random face with His and living your own crazy moment of happiness...

its Him everything in and bout Him, his beauuutiful details to his nothingness too, smthing you could never will never get used to...

this very sec when you out of nowhere think of that one sec when he one final time in that chat asks you again for skype that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling like you alone knew what and how much that meant to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

living Him - meant the world to you !!!!!!!!!

EVERYTHING !!!!!!!!!

and then to actually say a no cause it just felt that pointless after all !!!!!!!

strange no charlie it wasnt even like you dint want to see him or naything even after having said that all of you still that badly wanted to see him once.... and yet that strong feel of whats the point even....

like it just dint make any sense.....

you sitting there living him knowing still knowing................................................

Watching the world around...

its like you are sitting in the middle of it all and the world around you just the world around you is constantly moving and changing as they move... including Him !!

and thats the nature and way of life...

thats how its meant to be.....

just that it dint work for you !!

so you just sit there and let the world flow as it flows around...

and not flowing wit it !!

cause where you are sitting is where you are at most ease where you can just be and the flow around is smthing you dont relate or connect with.... dosnt feel like yours !!

but its all changing so fast moving so fast like days go by months years gone that fast....

with you still there where you were...

today standing there after not weeks but to think of it now months of looking for that one space that you had on mind and finally finding smthing that looks much more beautiful than you had on mind and smthing that you connect vibe the most with.... Nature !!

right at the entrance that beautiful wild forest like vibes against the white contrast of the bungalow was smthing else.....

like that first sec of feeling that smile on your heart and yet not completely happy not that sense of happiness state is when you realize what really made you happy.... and nothing else could ever come close to that, not even this one place that you were that bad looking for all this while....

like almost makes you question yourself why dint it make you happy poora and just heart smile moment.....

some questions you already know the answer of !!

just like this moment prolly a day or two days back.....

out for grocery shopping with mom and as per usual her looking for smthing and you lost in his music and browsing through some designs and this one loud screeching sound of the trolley and you look up and this one corner there was this guy standing with his brother or smthing wearing this grey t shirt beard on and looked that similar like Him....

like that closely similar with Him in that one grey arri t shirt of his..... that one snug fitted t shirt on him and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he used to look that much more beautiful in that one.....

today after years you see someone look that similar just similar to him in that same grey t shirt.....

that one moment like it just holds you makes you wanna stay that way and keep watching the guy cause in your mind you still were living him in your own weird crazy way....

like you just up the volume of his music and just watch the guy away its only after a while when your mom shakes you up and you take off the one ear plug and she asks you if you knew the guy as you were smiling and lost in the guy with the guy looking back at you and smiling too.....

all that while charlie not even for a second did you really see the guy smiling at you or even staring back at you.....

is when you realize how lost you were in that one state of happiness having found some trace of him to live in that moment....

and  how in the daylight waking state you were actually living him in some random guy without even really seeing the guy staring back and smiling at you.....

like those few mins you actually were happy cause it was Him that you were living then.....

those details of Him rushing through you from back then in that same grey t shirt...

like for you that moment the world just stopped in the present and just you back in your most loved time and living him in somebody from the present...

only after that moment of realization you ask your mom if you could just get away and go back to the car.....

cause it was that weird with the guy still looking or mom getting mixed signals about you wanting to move on or smthing....

and you just wanted to get away from it all and just be...

back in the car and replaying that moment again strangely made you happy cause in your mind weird crazy fcked up mind that one moment those few mins you actually were living Him, just that beauuuuuuuuuuuuty of Him.... in His grey t shirt right there in that very moment !!

Learning to fly...

been in the same place for waayy too long now has its own impact like it leaves you changed almost completely.....

and this feeling has been there for almost forever now.....

last few weeks this one thing that you are working on yourself trying to change you in a good way to make it better for yourself in some way.....

and whilst doing that this one search for that one perfect studio like place with workshop in one place so you dont have to run around two places for work.....

been weeks now either its waay too expensive for now or just the place isnt good enough...

its only today you get this call from some friend of yours who talks bout this one advert she had seen and suggests you go see the place for once...

a lil away from the workshop and one galli to the other finally you reach the place !!

the very first thing the entrance itself rings that loudest tangggg in you !!!!!!!!!!

like the loudest one possible like you could almost feel that one smile over your heart after a very long time !

not cause it was fancy the reason why you fell in love with the place without even having a look on the inside is these beautiful wild creepers hanging and hovering over the entrance that beautifully...

as if though the place was right in the middle of the forest white independent house sort of thing with these beautiful green wild creepers hovering over.....

and thats when you did decide that very sec this is the place that you wanted..... it was that rustic and that beautiful at the same time....

and the landlord comes over asking you bout it and then tells you to have a look inside and you tell her right there that youll take the place and when can you move in...

the aunty still insists to have a look first and you finally do on the inside the place still ok needs a looot of work but the outside of it and you decide youll make the inside as beautiful and yours on the inside too.....

like it wasnt that state of complete happiness charlie but that smthing in you felt that change felt that movement that smthing in you just moved like you know one step closer to another dream like wish that you wished for.....

your own studio to get the meetings done to have the collection on display instead of having to run to strabucks everytime for client meets or their place....

like your place with your workshop where you can see it happen!!

was a lil step very lil one but that sense of smthing just moved made a massive impact on you!

like finally smthing changed in your life for good.....

like finally you did move...

the very slightest bhi, still you did...!