Randomly connecting moments...

so instead of writing backwards writing on what you feel the most this moment now.....

this one random post by some couple travel blogger on insta.... again not smthing you followed or browse or had ever seen their page just cause some friend of yours liked some pic on the page it pops up in your feed.... and the pic shot some sunset location with birds over their head looked some varanasi kinda location....

browse their page and its of some indian blogger couple documenting their holidays all across the globe.....

both hippie looking with their style and picture vibe...

and this one pic as you browse through their feed this one pic catches your atention cause it had the title of his love for flying objects...

the waaaaaaaaaay it was an instant connection with a zillion most adoooooooooooooooooorable moments of watching Him live his most adooooooooorable moments with the flying objects...

the video goes like them having a moment where the girl is on a healthier side and through the moment the way the guy holds her and she just lets herself be..... like swinging away and letting herself fly with the feet still on the ground...

again a visual that you could that beauuuutifully relate the most with.....

just the waaaaaaaaay that same way him holding you away by the kamar when the hindi translation emergency arrives and sort of ruins the flow.... but you gottaaaa go what you gottaaa dooo i say !!!!!!

so yaaaaa him holding by the kamar and you just be with arms wide open....

in the short video sort of thing the way she moves as they were standing under the wide open sky....

there was that beuatiful vibe of the moment with that music playing at the background...

not caring a thing bout the way she looked appeared a lil fat like nothing really mattered just that feeeeel of being held and being sure of not falling....

the way the guy looks at her with her still lost in a flight of her own in the mind.....

knowing feeeling she was being held safe knowing she could let herself be free knowing she would still be held....

there was smthing that beautifully magical bout that moment.....

the way she was dressed them having that moment to their own....

this thing he did mention to you years back prolly in some chat.....

again when you wonder if to write or to not write causeo of the content....

letting it out i say !!!!!!!!!!

when he mentions bout ye nai pehenka sona and try it and see it makes you feel freeee.....

and then tells you karke dekh haaath oopar and all of that.....

it did the same thing.....

like in that moment asyou do all that mattered was him being there being lived by him... like in that moment you forget bout the distance or the fact that he was away and not right there holding you or smthing....

it was that setting yourself free with and out of love....

its to know you are being held you are being held safe and all by love.....

to write out how and what exactly it made you feel then or yesterday watching that video was beyond words...

again smthing you dont do watching love stuff couple stuff even if it appears on the feed...

but the way this one thing lead to another...

where you started browsing initially cause of the picturesque moments captured to leading to them sharing their most loved moments especially when eveyhting was going wrong for them through a phase....

like they were documenting it more so just so looking back at them making them realize what they have and they need to keep it safe hold it together and not give up on the other......

its like once they started documenting it, it brought them closer making them realize what they had found in the other...

soon through the moment and the guy realizes some flying insect coming closer and screams her name rushing back inside the room and closing the glass door.... asking her to tackle it and she tries to move it away with some brush and then stops and looks inside the glass to watch the guy standing looking for the fly tracing the fly as it flies around with that fear..... and she goes closer to the glass door and watches the guy from up close..... and just stays that way....

the video ends in that moment....

and her description with the highs and lows of their relationship and describes that moment as falling in love with the guy all the more in that moment....

cause he was his vulnerable best and had his faith in her to save him from the fly......

its like you watch a playback of a moment of your own.... a beauuuuuutiful trace of him standing their holding you by your kamar screaming your name out asking you to kill or get rid of the fly.....

you lost in that adoooooooooooooooooorableness of his in that very moment.....

to just know to just feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel that faith love trust of someone in you that they know for sure youll keep them hold them safe away from anything that scares them...

its again a beautiful very beautiful form of loving someone and more so being loved !!

wishes like these !!

from the zillion other wishes that youd wished for one of them comes true last nite...

only with a timing like that one.....

this one wish always been there again ever since his absence.....

hoping to feel him to be online same time as you.....

with that one thing some like smthing from him at that same hour as you....

and jus when you were on that peakest of missings i say you see him update his dp to another one of his most loooooooooooooooved pics......

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa to just seee him smile and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay all of you on the inside and outside that one beautiful rush of happiness to just seeee him smile even in a pic bhi.....

the most beautiful of all ironies being the title he had on with this one pic of his on insta - on the other side of looking glass...

there was him on the other side of the glass here that very same moment as you as he just updates his pic and when you that baaaaaaaadlly wanted to write out that very moment..... just that it only happens once the power was out....

when you literally struggled and finally decided to write out the state of mind yesterday and full in the flow and the lights go out is also when you again realize how writing did become this necessity.....

like this neeed to write out the mind just so you could let it all out.....

setting your mind free just and mostly when it needs to be set free...

its that thing again to do with his miseeeeing when you just want to let it all out.....

and the waaaaay writing it out just does smthing as lil but just does...

smthing that beautifully calming and at peace with yourself once done...

just like his dreams places or his music does.....

but when all the three together fail at leaving your mind with peace, writing always does !!

The now...

The sudden too much missing!!

from that experience to seeing some client at the club that same place he takes you to show the place that he did learn tt at.....

to walking around that place your hand in his with the beautiful yellow leaves scattered all around and falling over you....

it was that one complete full filmy romantic afternoon walks with him as you wait there for his mango to arrive....

today when there you couldnt go in and instead postpone the meet and leave from there.....

the sec you were there at the gate all you could see feeeel was him walking on that street around....

like to just live that visual and then go on with the meet talking to her was something you werent prepared for....

literally run away from there and off to the lane beside and that needd to jsut be on your own for a bit.... ask the driver to stop the car and get off and walk on your own....

there was this galli similar one with big big trees around.....

walk there with his music playing and him rushing through you.....

walks with him like everything else with him - most loooooooooved thing to do !!!!

the waaaaaay he would hold your hand tight and closest to him and then keep looking at you beech beech mein having that wordlessly beautiful conversation with you and after a while make you hold his arm and bring you more closer to him... talking random things and as he does to jst live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him with his expression changing his smiles changing like you can sense when he is just walking and when he is now missing you as you hold him closer by his arm.....

like you could seeeeeeeee that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully on his face with his smiles the waaaaaaay he owuld have that one adooooooorable kid upto smthing smirk on hisface.... his big big adoooooorable eyes having a talk of their own....

to just live that beauty of nothingness with him...

to just realize how simplest of things could possibly make your heart the happiest.....

watching the leaves fall around yesterday to walking over the street with the views around and Him in you with his music playing - was smthing else.....

it was that hot and sunny but you were in that extreme state of peace and calm.....

like smthing just got better felt better in you.....

it was that moment of realization when you wait there at the gate with that sudden realization of his absence of that feeeel of then and now that hits you that you oculdnt handle.....

like that then and how wala scene there was smthing that hits you hard !!!!!!!

when you still dint couldnt learn to deal with reality - was that moment bout !!

realizing it !!

Visuals...

first to start with the day yesterday.....

the usual thing when out for work on your way and actually most of the time like one thing constant his music playing and you people watching smtimes and most of the times looking for him....

hoping to see him somewhere.... kahi tho...

no matter where you are like that one search always there...

and yesterday almost late noon it was and with just bout an hour or two of sleep the nite before... again doesnt happen but yesterday the way the mind goes that slow.... and it was that state where you blink more often just bout to fall asleep but there was also that need to look around and you try n be awake like still falling asleep and then keeping yourself up just soo you oculd look more.....

and you donno when or how the way these boards of the stores on the street across start appearing with address as mumbai maharahstra..... like one store after the other and all you could read was mumbai maharashtra..... like through n through the street every store with the same address to the walkover bridge looking like those station bridges like all around as you look the complete place around street around feels like you were actually in bombay....

the best part of what you were experiencing is that it dosnt surprise you or shock you but like you were sort of going with the flow the waaaaaaay it was making you feel... like in your mind you were in bombay moving around with that strangely beautiful thought ticking in your mind he must be around somewhere....

as weird as it feels writing it out now....

to experience what you did yesterday was BEYOOOOOOOOND words and logic....

cause you still donno what it was for those few mins...

like no matter which corner  you look you had that thing on your mind as if tho you actually were in bombay looking around places and boards with that one beautiful thought or whatever it was that one feeeeeeel of being close to him...

like you already were actually in bombay......

it was only after a few mins when the driver hist that sudden break as some kid was crosing the road do you move and realize you were close to jubilee hills....

like it was then in that moment do you actually feel yourself land back in hyd....

you werent even sleeping that fully up and yet not sure what it was bout......

to feeeeeeeeel that one feeeeeeeeeeeeling as simply mad as it may seem writing it out but you alone know what and how it made you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel in those fewest of mins.....

that one state of mind it left you with was only the start...

Freeness and much more!!

this post def did come up after much of acceptance of the state of mind you were in.....

with that thing that need that urge to write it out just cause of how the yesterday made you feel like it was the first time ever you felt that way and that strongly...

also when the today did come with that beauty of the visuals...

some random post by some random person did bring back the most beauuuuuuuutiful meet of your life...

never for once did you feel a day that way like again that beauty that magic of the visuals that state of mind it did lead you to so much so that you take the day off work cause you couldnt get your mind off it..... to much later through the day when you were finally out for smthing and realize how he did make a space in your lilst most personal of moments....

like that smthing by him years back and to finally see it come true and that very moment to think of him right there and then....

is when you realize how someone can that beauuuuuuutifully become everything to anything in your life... even in their absence...

like you can just feeel them !!!!

to finding that one beauty of a song by who else but the coldplay...

like jus does it for you !!

the other song that he liked days back same thing scared to come close and yet runs away.....

its like music and visuals pretty much sums up your life now.....

like that one necessity of your life...

to look around people watch place watch just so you could live smthing of him in some corner.... how some habits done with him watching his love for people watching soon joining him along and later loving it all the more..... cause earlier it was cause it was with him, after it was to look for him and then find him even in his absence.....

its this state of mind today its freeee just that freee......

when you also realize pain too sets you free just like moments of love and passion does...

to a day like yesterday and to a day like today saving the state of mind away!!

 

The Call !!

like those few secs when you were confused if its him on the fone your mind running around to what if he is in hyd and wnats to see you cause he did the same thing years back right before your birthday.....

like calls you up and asks if you could meet him in the next few days... like it was weeks before your birthday......

and also when the call the talk kind of stuff dont feel real like them almost non existential kinda thing.....

cause it dosnt happen anymore and for the longest of times....

and when that day right in th emiddle of nowhere that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him on the fone and there were a zillion things running through you in that very moment.....

to the after of it and that another feeeeel it left you wth ever since then...

it happens in frequent gaps charlie..... like you can just feeeel him in the air like he is there like every few months this happens like you can just feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it that strong in the waaaay he even comes in the dreams.... like even in the dreams that beauty of his presence feels that much more different again one of those things you just feeeeeel it inside of you and now cant write it out.... or express out in words.....

last few days right after that call that one weirdly beautiful feeeeling.....

beautiful just cause of that one thought tinging in your mind maybe he is in hyd and then that gets weird and madness absolute madness realizing how does it even matter or make any difference....

but despite of knowing that one fact it just strangely that beauuuuuutifully still makes it different.....

cause you can just feeeel him that tad bit much more closer....

like you can sense that in the air which again makes your eyes wander also the reason why you have those sun shield or whatever it is called on all the windows but yours... cause you wanted to be able to look around when that feeeeeeeeeel of him strikes......

that same search looking for him hoping some where some kona kahii thoo you get to see him.....

strange nai charlie unless you live moments like these you sort of let your mind skip away how and what impact everything to do with him has on you....

not  that its smthing that you donno bout but just that thing of not thinking bout or missing how his calls used to make you feel and then living a random moment like that one and then to feeeeel live that feeeling of a few secs thinking its him on the fone !!!!!!!!!!!