Waking up...!

 that feeeeeeeeling you come back home with where after that place you decide to take half the day off.....

cause every single time when that much of him rushes through you its not just the mind that is lost.... you cant move talk think or focus on anything but just him....

like all of you just that beautifully just him.....

its that rush charlie like you miss him think of him live him in your mind through the day secs of your day days months years.... but on some days its just that rush of him like woosh bolke that rushes through you its when the missing is not subtle it just doesnt move through you it rushes trhoug you pulling you away from eevrything else and just all him.....

this mind now n this very moment just after relivign those moments the waaaaaay he would just look you in the eye befre moments like he was capturing that moment with you in his mind like he wanted to live that moment first live your face your expression your anticipation of that moment and then live the moment with you... to the after of him watching you again it was these secs of living him knowing his stares learning bout his way of love like it was all washing away your stupid ideologies of love that you had in mind.... 

it was him showing you making you live and realize this is love..... this is how it needs to be felt lived him being love.....

in those lilst of moments charlie to live him like he could that beauuuuuutifully have that lil conversation in just by the way he owuld look at you..... 

where to whereeeeeeeeeeeeeee only it went !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some days i tell you this mind i tell you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so that place was that for you just like opera that one lil corner of  your life that did let you live those different beauuuuuuuuutiful versions of his and his love for you....

it was your lil opera hideout closer to home....

back home and that state of you to just knowing its his birthday the next day....

not sure when with and to his music you fall asleep....

there weere these messages n whatsapp....

his dp you couldnt see but t was def whatsapp messages that gives you the location around his usual way of agian showing you directions cause like everything else bout you he that well knew your geography fixation and any new place of his be it his dd colony one or his bombay apartment the waaaaaaay he would that adoooooooooooooooorably guide you along knowing you wouldn be able to find otherwise teh way he would mention any phonebooth store general store the gali ka turn number of apartments after like that kinda minute details knowing you wouldnt be able to find it otehrwise....

this message too was like one of those with directions and stuff and then in the end it says but ya one thing im telling you again once you are here you dont know me and i dont know you we will still maintain distance but you can watch me work..... and i still want to see you !

in that moemnt even reading that message you were more than happy bout just seeing him to just be able o see him cause you know that feeling that well for real.... to just live him charlie live his presence like tere are a zillion more things you would rather do and with him but if its that thing bout just seeing him would mean the world to you anyway.... also why every single time all these years anywhere out your eyes constantly looking fo rhim around.... kahi pe thooo !!!!!!

soooooo yahhh reading that message and you dont remember what or how cause that one waking up to him and that rush of him soon as you see him in that birthday post of his you almost forgot most of the dream..... like all you could thnk feeeel live was that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him !!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa how beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yaaaaaaa so this thing it was some work set like some documentarry kinda setup it was and he was directing the scene or smthing and you just sit dooor on the steps living that beauuuuuty of him... he was wearing this bottle green knit with jeans full grown beauuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his daaadi.... and working around with the scene and the waaaaaaaaay he would turn with some bahana and jsut watch you for a bit.... that one lil conversation cause you donno why he did mention he would pretend as if he doesnt know you..... it did hurt actually reading it charlie....

whooo ni hotaaa someone becomes that much and then asked to be nothing at all kinda vibe it was !!!!

but there was you just making the most of him you had before you living that beauuuuuuty of him and this one instance where this lil girl part of the shoot had a diarymilk in hand par of the scene again and the waaaaaaay he just looks at you loks at the chocolate in her hand and then looks at you again with that one adooooooooooooorable smile in a way again relivng that diarymilk moments he shared with you in that one glance and you do that same face from back then lip smacking one just looking at him n the chocolate and the way he takes one of those and throws it on your side....

like it goes on for sometime to that one moment where its almost done and people are leaving and takes his bag too jsut bout to leave and you get off jus bout  to leave too with your back towards him with that feeeeeeeeling all that way to just live him..... and his arms around you the waaaaaaaaaaaay he just holds you awaaaaaaaaaay and literally with that strong grip holds your hand and makes you sit on his bike....

off to somewhere you still maintaining that distance and the waaaaay he holds your hand again and makes you hold him and you jsut ask him but we dont know each other.... and teh waaaaaay he just smiles looking through the rear view and just says now we do... to some moment and theer were people still standing and you had to walk away from him or smthing it was and he does that again holds your hand and brings you closer to him.....

it was different charlie very very different nothing like def youve ever dreamed like....

cause you were seeing places that clear it def was one of those leh or nepal kinda mountains around.... it had that feeeeeeling of him being pulled away from you despite of wanting to be with you.... like was showing that he loved you that much and yet being pulled awy from you.... it was weird.....

its like everything else on one side and that feeeeeeeel of him showing you his love for you felt just the same like it did bak then... when he was making all those attempts just t omake you realize his love for you make you realize what you shared felt for him was love....... is Love !!!!!!

like he was that strongly pulling you back to him when you were that unsure jsut cause of that message of his.... its like he always does thsi charlie like ye ek baaat tho hai.....

be it in the dream or for real....

even in those meets when he would ask you to leave literally keep remninding you to leave and then soon as you are just bout to hold you back with something or the other.... a play or a dance or jsut some goofing around random thing.... just so he could live you for longer.....

kabiiii kuch samaj nai ataaa but its that moment when you fall asleep is the only time when you are that sure of his love for you again......

its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he comes charlie its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he makes you feel realize things his love like he is actually making that effort to make you realize that.....

and then when the day happens you wake up its a different world with a zillio n more questions.....

if love then why this !!!!!!!!!!

like to love is easy to be loved gets that much more complicated....

like you clearly remember it was that long of a dream with those intervals of changing sdes with that smile on the inside like even through the dream there def was one this moment where you change the side with a happy sigh cause you were living him and changing the side yaaaaaaa again this never happened before that fine line between the dream and reality did disappear for that one instance.... where you change the side and still see him like you know you are changing side and stll living him with that happy sigh cause you were living him.....

to the many different situations instances like through the nite you for sure know it was that long of a dream with intervals..... to that sudden smthing and you wake up 6 smthing and that need to check back his insta cause you were that badly waiting to see him some birthday post smthing kuch bhi kaiseeeeee bhi bas to just seeeee him....

and there it was that red round and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa that jump of khushi even before seeing him click it fataak se without fear this time and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him charlie...................

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa inneeeeeeeeeeeee kitaaaaaaa kitaaaaaaaaaaaa kitttuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu kiiiiitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa khooobsoorat hoteee jaaraaaa......

that spark on one side and the way he turns and looks up his hair ting ting bolke him looking his gorgeous happy high drunk ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that blue but that one big change nooo baaaal on the seeenas that you also looooooved like he did think it was pretty gay for guys to be without it like that standard and guys with v neck standard gays...... ayyyaaaaaaaaa but that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him !!!!!!!!!!!

that one face in the world for you like you see him that very instant aisaaaaaaaaa kaisaaaaaaaaa mooohpeee itttiii badi smile aaaajaaati charlie dhadaaaaaam bolkeee...

ever since the start like his presence him walking around to just looking at him that one khushiiiiiiii it used to fill you up with.... like you dint even know why it was juts making you smile to just look at him... like its always been that way ever since the start....

his presence and that one khushiii through you wooooosh bolkeee.....

that same vibe this morning to jsut seee him and you keeep repeating it on loop seeing him as many timesa syou can knowing what if he blocks you back again.... and  you make the most of it as much as you can !!!!!!!!

through the day that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of him...

that much him rushing through you THIS much more him rushing through you now as you relive and write that one him.........

abbb itttaaaaaaaaaa hot hansome banegaaa thoo ye thoo hona he thaaa !!!!!!!

potiyaa tho girtee nai !!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa how beauuuuuuuuutiful !!!!!!!!!!

its that one thing bout him charlie no matter what theres that one spark of innocence in him in that face his expression overall being of his that hint that beauuuuuuutiful hint of innocence almsot childlike its like taking the beauuuuuuuty of his a notch higher with it.....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this mind now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!