to C...!

 To just shift side and that sudden neeeed to just see him and you get on whatsapp knowing you can.....and this feeeeeeeling right now it fills you up with is when you re realise how baaaad you missed this....

To just live him things still don't make any sense but these moments lilst of moments through the day now, like these sort of fill up for you...

It's this sudden rush brush of happiness it overpoads you with cause in this sleep hazy state od mind you just wanted to feel his presence love his presence right beside you on your pillow and now even be it for the pics sake you can.....this feeeling !!!!!!!!

You alone know what and how much it means to you!!!!!!

not sure what how

 Tooo this that what how why shy whatever to write the caption but smthings!!!!

Save it away!

It's the you that happens n comes back with Him...

 

That one pull!!!!!

 writing smthing and that one presence and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it pulls your mind first a lil more of you a lil more and then a lil more and in that one strong moment all of you awaaaaay and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!

its like you are drawn draaaaaaawn to him....

its like he holds you away.... like you cant move dont wanna move dont wanna blink not move even a bit.... its like holding all of you away.....

right from the very start....

tying his shoe lace and you talking to that instructor asking her your fone on the bench and he looks up as was sitting in the same direction you were already maybe looking at him and as the instructor brings over your fone by then you were already lost in him.... as he stops tying the lace and instead looks at you there was no smile nothing at all just that stare just that feeeeeeeling of being held in that moment....

cause you could never look in the eye.... in that moment you were for the first time ever and you dint wanna move look away or turn.... the waaaay that moment the way he looks at you holds you away... where you try to move a bit and that feeeeel of being drawn to him to just stay that way....  and you couldnt move a bit....

through the mirror that very first stare....

to those many stares after and every single time the waaaaaaaaaaaay he would hold you away saying nothing at all not even a smile just that one looking you in the eye and the waaaaaay it would hold you away.... 

its beautifully weird charlie the waaay it would feeel like he was making you his letting you know that he was making you his.... like you know just by the stare making you realize live that feeeel of being held by him... not wanting you to move again like he used to late niteafter dropping you home stay there and just watch you from there.... not wanting you to come down or anything just stay there live your presence live that feeeeeling of missing you in your presence... live that feeeling of holding you away from distance.....

this moment writing smthing and that neeeeeeeed to see him and there he was and that SAME exact feeeeeeling after the longest of times.....

being held by him the more he stays the more it was transforming you like from the mind to that feeeeel of being literally held being drawn again not sure if smthing like this does happen or just cause you missed him that much missed that feeeeeel of living him THAAAAAAAAAAT bad !!!!!!!!

or just his music !!!!!!!!!

doing things to your mind i say !!!!!!!!!!!!

SOME moments !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 nothing no one in the world i say !!!!!!!!!!! 

there is absolutely nothing else that could even close to make you feel the way his presence does...

like always again His timing.....

smthings again when you live after this THIS long and still feels the same does the same thingsssss to you with you !!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this mind now this you now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like always again all it took was just his presence and the waaaaaaaaay in that moment top to toe it transforms you away !!!!!!!

and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOSEBUMPS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some daaays 2 !!!!!!!

 part 2 !!!!

cause like alwaaaays kya likneee ka where all things HIM land you in !!!!!!

soooo yahhhhh !!!!!!!!

the day today finally out n ready to leave for work and your friend calls you up asking you to pick her jeans up from the alterations as it was on your way.... first thing first echo first flash in that very moemnt as you still were on the call wih your friend.... jeans alteration....

that one word and that beauuuuuutifully that conversation becomes all HIM !!!!!!!

one of those meets at his other place and he notices your jeans as you struggle to get your chappals on and that adoooooooorably just stands there hands folded watching you and asks you to come close that one ishaaara of his asking you to come close instead and that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful pullll runnnn back to him and the sec you are there the way he asks you to put your leg up over the end of the soaf and points out saying kyaaa hai yee aisaaa koun jeans pehnta alter karaana nai hotaa.... and you nod awaaay saying a no and fold back in again and walk back to the chappals and the waaaaaaaaaay he runs back to you holds you from behind.... that beauuuuuutiful whisper of his howliii as he holds you !!!!!!!!!!!

in that moment he could seee that khushiiii rushing through you cause he called you back to him as he was insisting on you leaving and then in that moemnt when he asks you to come close you did think it was for a hug or a chummi before leaving instead talks bout your jeans which he used to that often everytime he noticed your messy jean ends...

and when you do walk back to the chappals he aslo did see how much how bad you wanted to hold him or live some moment when he called you.... and in that one stare at him he did sense you missed him....

it was the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would just know you just by the waaay you look at him like he would that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully know it all what and how you felt in any moment.... just in the stare just by the way you look at him !!!!!!!!!

today on the call the word and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay all those beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful flshes of him that one adoooooorable angry tone of his voice irritated tone of his voice watchig you be that messy.... that one echo of his chuckle as he laughs at you for being the way you were....

finally at the store to pick up her jeans and on your way out you see this corner with that same blue of his that one blue shirt that he used to wear back then which was from his whistling wood days.... 

to much after in that chat of his where he shares a pic with that same gym white shoes of his to much recent one being that same exact blue on his birthday looking his beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully gorgeous best !!!!!!!!!!!

that very exact same tone of blue and that one pulllllll diiiiiiing bolkeeee you rush to the corner it was boxy fit shirt kinda kurta thing.... and you pick it fataaaak se.... rush to the trial room change into it and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie that very sec....

madness i know but the way it boxy almost like mens shirt and more so the waaaaaaaay in that moment it made you feel like you were wearing His shirt instead....

take it bring it to the studio and change into that !!!!!!!!!

smthinsg are just beyoooooond you !!!!!!!!!!!

the way random things can make you feel in that moment is smthing else.....

like you look at yourself exact same blue tone of his shirt and the waaaaaaaaaay in that moment it was just like wrapped up in his shirt instead !!!!!!!!

even writing it now this feeeeeeling i say !!!!!!!!!

its always been this way....

anything any color that connetcs you with him has been your way of finding him and then letting it stay with you.... in a way filling up his absence....

making up for his absence....

today that shirt that color his color was that for you !!!!!!1

In his shirt...!

well almost, atleast color thoo same hai !!!!!

of all the days today finding this one today !!!!!!!!!!!

some daaays !!!!!!!!!!

 could be the lilst of moments but on some days the feeeeels they can give is almost like as if though they were just designed aligned for you !!!!!!

just to give you that beauutiful ting of the day like those connecting dots.... one moment to the other and before you know you are all HIM just that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully HIM !!!!!!!!!!!

the day starts with some random disturbing dream like youw ake up prettty restless and now you know you can that first thing to see Him !!!!

stay there live him for a bit and the waaaaay it just calms you all away that one beauuuuuutfil state of mind it leaves you with like it actually makes you feel that cozzy sleep vibe and you go back to sleep.... it was that beauuuutiful feeeeeeling charlie almost close t that one feeeling that one place in the world for you where you almost felt the same today... over his shoulder closest, listening to his heartbeat....

that warm cozy feeel of his closeness just living him there....

again these things nai when you sort of lose hope on feeling living ever again and then you get to..... where this def is the first time EVER where he unblocks you and doesnt say a word all these days.... you donno what how or why.... but this feeeeeling kabi nai lagtaa maybe he still does remember....

you know its madness but smtings nai you jst cant cant help but feeeeeeel !!!!!!!!

cause his timing i swear charlie has been that precise always anything to everything.... that precise timing of his !!!!

moments k o lekar but !!!!!!

conditions applied !!!!!

soooooo yah after that moment you wake up finally again that neeeeeed to see him first.... ayyyaaaaaaa the more you live the more you look forward to seeing him again.... cause thats how BAAAAAAAAAD you missed that feeeeeeling.... even be it living him over the dp.... to just feeeeel his presence....

if not real kaiseee bhi to just live his presence and you alone know what it means to you !!!!!!!!!!!

Missed so much...

 This feeeeling today on your way to work... Yesterday too when the driver mentions bout staying back in village and dumma the day away and you couldn't go to the studio.... This feeeeeling you missed!!

 Sooo sooooo MUCH!!!!!!

On your way his music and to live his presence..... Smthings nai Charlie when you've missed it toooo much way tooo much and then suddenly get to live it after almost a decade kinda feel....this feeeels I say!!!!!

That one face that one presence and living it every day back then still could never get used to every time you see him first time that one khushiiiiiiii rushing through you just the waaaay it used to make you that happpaaayyy.... That level of happiness!!!!

Today this beauuuutiful feeeeling to just live him with his music on your way also the most loved time through the day on your way to work to your way back home... It's like your me time of living him in the details in birds in moments sky with clouds moving anything to everything this state of mind today state of you feel different....

  of all the days today...

Him, could can never get just used to...

Cause that's how maybe you love.... Every moment every presence of love lived is something one mustn't get used to...it needs to feel this way feel this special every single time....that's how maybe you grow in love keep growing in and with love...

Howleeeeee howleeeeeeeeeee how nowwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

morning song...!

 This beauty again writing it out with no internet too.... Actually chalieee loving this writing over ur fine cause this way you can just from anywhere !!!!!

Sooo yah this beauty of writing smthinf anythinf about him and the waaaay it just all of him just gushes through you like that one wild stream of river through the mountain tops!!!!

Wooooosh bolkeeeeeee.....

Soooo yahh!

This one incident when some morning he just calls you up and by the sound of hisnvoxoe he had just woken up that adoooorable still asleep tone of his voice and he actually tells you gaana ga koi bhi sing for me and you ask him which one and he says anything u like just sing for me.... Lile a morning lullaby cause I want to sleep some more but with your presence.... Like in that moment he wanted to feel your presence with him as he goes back to sleep again....

And you initially humm his song for you hold your hand Beatles....

And the waaaay he starts to chuckle away to the way you sounded cause boyyyy did he sing n sound beauuuuuuuuuutiful!!!!!

And you were the extreme opp and yet you as he sounds more awake cause your voice def did wake him up and you start to sing it all out loud like ij that moment all it mattered to you was sing your heart out to him.... For him!!!!

And onky after a bit the way he tells you he never heard yoy sing befire and you tell him bout jow as a kid you did want to learn singing but never happened and after years that moment made you relive it and just by your voice the waaaay he adds that it was the first time he felt you open up with him jsut by your sound he felt you were free and yes you were.... It was those initial moments of letting yourself free setting yourself free with him withoments like these or moments of love..... Just that you dint know the distance too was not that far.....

He loved you being messy clumsy loud and HOW!!!!!

There was you revisutunf the real you wit him and there was him saying the same.... It was madness still is chalieee always been this way bout him.... That first sex you seee him and that first rush of happiness that used to run through you like you jsit sit and turn tiwrads him the sec in his car and jsut live his presence poora ka pooora andbthe waaaay it used to crack him up just seeinf your excitement of seeing him and the way he actually tells you nobody ever made him feel this bout his presence or loved him the way you did.....

And you jsut hold him awaaay in that moment saying thank god they didn't, nai thoo mujhe kaise miltaa tha....

And it was exaaactly what you felt even in moments when he would talk bout his ex n all and you just sit living him and thanking her for it!!!!

Stil do!!!!

What happened after this distance eveythunf all of it one side.... And for just having lived him being loved by him and to still feeel Him and his love for you on mornings like this one today stkl means everything n more to you....

Its this beauuuutiful now all the more chalieee to just wale up from a dream like that one rush on whatsapp and live him for a bit....

Lilst of moments of happiness I sayyyy!!!!!

THIS day...!

 This very day or nite rather evey year and the waaaaaaaay it all comes back to you.....

From a day of him making you realoze and understand that it's love after all...

To a nite of star gazing and a meteor shower it def was..... To that moment of him not being able to say it first and the second call asks you what happened and you didn't want to let go of another second of letting him know that you did realoze finally after all that it was love....

This feeeking every time every bite of this time of the year to be under the stars to just relive smell that nite again....

Out for a walk livinf him as you walk and keep looking up at the sky....

Lil did you know nai that nite you your life will soon be changing like forever....

It never was going to be the same ever again and thank God for that.....

Chalieeeeeee kabi soche thoo lagta he wasn't just the love of your life for life but he was your most beauuuutiful and the only hideout...that one person in the world who actual mein knew the real you.... That one perpsn in the world you could be yours2ld with like let yourself jus be and also the only person that made you find you.....

And that feeeeling is def once in a lifetime, you don't get that lucky that many times.... To feel that love to feel the real you withjust that one person knowing you coold be anything with and stilll be loved and HOW.....

kal bhii maloom that one feeeeeling everytime you lived his presence saaaay smthinf smthingggg anything.....

It was like he was there for real like you could feep it that strong with goosebumps all over you could feel his presence that strong!!!!!

Again one of those things that doesn't make any sense but to you alone you knowwwww how it felt in that very moment....

Mind this beauuuuuuuuuutofully high on all HIM today being off cause of the drivers off like the complete day on this flight of your own....

But it's thia beauty of the nites with his music playing mind loving this Ginny hiyh feeel and then to let yourself stay afloat with all him rushing through you.....

How chalieeeeeee that one someone enters your life just like that walk through your life and becomes it all like it's always been that way.....

He did bring out that wild kid you that sort of changed after the incident and sortbof got mouldwd away into being smthinf she never was....

With him all that and more did come out, with him you just knew you could be you....and just you!!!!

HIM!!!!!

 This feeeeeeeling every single time now how do you even get used to a feeling like this one..... 

It's when you keep reliving this one feeeeling every time you live him does it make you re realise why it's always been just Him and just his presence that does this to you..... 

Why nothing no one ever could possibly take even the closest of spaces that His hold in you...

Leave alone taking the same place as His, not even close, nothing and no one ever could...

This feeeeeeeelinf, this Him...

Just the presence......!

And your world!!!!!

Picture!!!!!

 Live a pic live q presence and thevwayyyyyy it all comes baxkr to you.....

It's like he is there n u are licinf him for real and mor just through a dop but like for real.....

This feeeeling living it loving it after so long n whoo bhi today.....

This mind this you today feels like the Beatty day of your recent life I say......chalieeeee ittiiiiii kushiiiii uskuuu har baaar dekeeee ab horiiii oneeeee kaiseeeee aoseeeee itttaaaa kuch sab kuchhhh ban gayaaaaa ayyyaaaaa notjunf I'm the world I sayyyy can make u happppy like this bit jsut him.....

Ayyyyaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeee

some momnwts!!!!

 Chalieeeeeee how do you even get usedddd to lkments like thesee3ee feeéeeeeels like thesee3ee!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaa no matter how many times ublove him this feeeeeeeelinf it fills u up with wveue single godam fkcin time ibsay!!!!!!!

The gin toooo nebevr feely this happpy n delicious before!!!!!!

Ayaaaaaaaaa just that feeeeel of living hisnpresnece something you i8ssed thus this bad lal this while!!!!!

Whoooo bhi this day first Sunday now sundqu fee33ls this goood again.....

Today bwinf the day The day that gace you him!!!!

The wake up aid daaay!!!!!

The saaaay that he made you realise feeeeeeel his love for you and h9wwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

You beauuuutiful lil big adoooooooiirable thing how onlyyyyy you wree missed abiiiii k abioiiiiii...

Ayyyaaaaa uskuuuuu dkeeeee thoooo pakadd keeee khaaaa jaaaananaaa bas!!!!!!

This heart today!!!!!

 Waking up from an accidental Sunday nap first thing to seeeee the C this heart today I sayyyyy!!!!!

Just like the Tom's heart from Tom n Jerry popping Outta him poora ka pooora , beeeen reaaally long to live this feeeeling m that very same sec he vomes ponline n all of you thaaaaaaaat beautifully transformed I saaaay to just live him chaaaaarlie ayyyyaaaaaaaaaa yelloooooooow!!!!!!!!

That yummmiliciously divinely gorgeous I say!!!!!!!

Some feeeeeeels you ekdum se relive after almost a lifetime that felt like ayyaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Annnnnnd it def is a haaappppppayyyyy diwali to youuuu!!!!!!!

Allll of youuuu alllll lit I saaayyy!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeee You beauuuutiful lil big adoooooorable thing I saaaay!!!!!

That one timing of his from that Sunday to a Sunday like THIS one today...

When u also try n keep literally calming yiuraelf away cause you know you tooo happpy and then !!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaa bur this feeeeling today this you today aftee this long!!!!!

Never before a nap and today powt biryani more than your stomach it was your heart you your eyes that content and happy!!!!

All it takes is that one face that one presence in the world for you to change your world for you...!

Just that one Him for you...

Always been!!!!!!

THE MOMENT I SAY!!!!!!

 Some days you just donnnooo how to deal some moments in the middle of nowhere!!!!!

 When THE unblock happens when you never expected it to!!!!!

That same time around that most loved one week from his birthday was your life changing one !!!!!!

Mom getting you to make biryani marinating chicken and when there's a festive wish from your manager and friends finally decide to get on wish and the first thing first face first presence that has heart literallllly jump outta you is Him...

Like always that one moment of his presence and the waaaay it transforms you away in less than a quarter of a sec.....

He unblocked you!!!!!

Him that one presence and the way it leaves you amazed every single time how can someone just like that without even doing something saying amthing nothing at all just by their sheer presence leave you transformed top to toe.....

Today now in this moment here definitely turned out to be a Happy Dusshera.....

Feels like diwali today charlie actually does!!!!!

Back to the chicken now.....

Felt him...

 

 

THE moment...

To this beauty of another post on one your most loved of pages that beautiful...

 From his smell to His sound of music...!

 

Some days some mornings and this feeeeeeel of Him they fill you up with...

Moments...

 Some moments leave you wondering what it was even bout!!!!!

Last nite watching some random movie you passed out cause that's what festive work load does to you, it's been one of the most beautifully ironic of weeks with some lil lil moments that made you relive versions of his love for you from back then....

But it's these lilst of moments that sort of don't make any sense and yet in that moment like always anything to do with Him becomes your ultimate priority...

Passed out watching some random movie for a bit what's funny is this alone time of your after dinner mom asleep in her room that beautifully quiet all around with his music playing and watching something random by your own.... It's like even in those quiet moments flashes of him rushing through you in moments your own.....

Through the sleep you feel his touch over your face trying to hold and you take that usual test of living his presence take that deep breath to smell his presence and obv it was Him... That close to your face trying to hold your face just like be used to back then taking holding away your big cheek inhis hand and you try to move or smthng and the waaaaaaaay he that adooooooorably in his sleep tone voice whispers lemme see you noo lemme hold you... And the waaaay it moves you shakes you up cause he sounded just like back then thsoe beauuuutiful cold nites of being over the fone hearing him sleep listening to his sleep breaths as he still keeps murmuring something in his sleep tone adoooooooiirable sleep tone voice still saying checking whilst him fallin asleep karely you there tu soyi nai naa....

That exact same tone of his voice after decade same cold nite.... It's this love for the smell of October too, cause it brings back those moments lived in your balcony listening to him fall asleep still talking stilll checking if you were there.... Like every October that smell in the evenings brings bacl that beauuuutifully adorable version of his..... Years after, still does, still feels the same...!

Soooooo yah!!!!!

The way it shakes you up cause he sounded like that Him from back then.....u get up look around movie still on you were on the sofa his music n smell still there that makes you feel his presence..... That feeeeeling Charlie after you wakeup from moments like these....

Take a selfie and put up on whatsapp.... Cause you donno any other way to fill that feeling up..... With time and years of living his presence this way the way you get to know things bout your own self you are all n more bout how love and life feels than to be on the more practical side of life or love.... Like the logic or way of love how it needs to be makes lil or no sense.... To you alone you know what and how it feels and means to you.... Cause even if you did explain someone they wouldn't get it, cause it's what just you feel...

Sitting here for the first time with your second chai cause you needed it today mind still lost in that moment why did it feel that real.... His touch his smell his hand holding your face his voice that real!!!!!

It's a bad pic def you look worst side of sleep cause in that moment of rush taking a selfie you almost were still asleep.... But then you heard him more importantly felt Him...

This one month!!!!!

Changed you transformed you your life for life...

Him...! 

Waking up...!

 that feeeeeeeeling you come back home with where after that place you decide to take half the day off.....

cause every single time when that much of him rushes through you its not just the mind that is lost.... you cant move talk think or focus on anything but just him....

like all of you just that beautifully just him.....

its that rush charlie like you miss him think of him live him in your mind through the day secs of your day days months years.... but on some days its just that rush of him like woosh bolke that rushes through you its when the missing is not subtle it just doesnt move through you it rushes trhoug you pulling you away from eevrything else and just all him.....

this mind now n this very moment just after relivign those moments the waaaaaay he would just look you in the eye befre moments like he was capturing that moment with you in his mind like he wanted to live that moment first live your face your expression your anticipation of that moment and then live the moment with you... to the after of him watching you again it was these secs of living him knowing his stares learning bout his way of love like it was all washing away your stupid ideologies of love that you had in mind.... 

it was him showing you making you live and realize this is love..... this is how it needs to be felt lived him being love.....

in those lilst of moments charlie to live him like he could that beauuuuuutifully have that lil conversation in just by the way he owuld look at you..... 

where to whereeeeeeeeeeeeeee only it went !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some days i tell you this mind i tell you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so that place was that for you just like opera that one lil corner of  your life that did let you live those different beauuuuuuuuutiful versions of his and his love for you....

it was your lil opera hideout closer to home....

back home and that state of you to just knowing its his birthday the next day....

not sure when with and to his music you fall asleep....

there weere these messages n whatsapp....

his dp you couldnt see but t was def whatsapp messages that gives you the location around his usual way of agian showing you directions cause like everything else bout you he that well knew your geography fixation and any new place of his be it his dd colony one or his bombay apartment the waaaaaaay he would that adoooooooooooooooorably guide you along knowing you wouldn be able to find otherwise teh way he would mention any phonebooth store general store the gali ka turn number of apartments after like that kinda minute details knowing you wouldnt be able to find it otehrwise....

this message too was like one of those with directions and stuff and then in the end it says but ya one thing im telling you again once you are here you dont know me and i dont know you we will still maintain distance but you can watch me work..... and i still want to see you !

in that moemnt even reading that message you were more than happy bout just seeing him to just be able o see him cause you know that feeling that well for real.... to just live him charlie live his presence like tere are a zillion more things you would rather do and with him but if its that thing bout just seeing him would mean the world to you anyway.... also why every single time all these years anywhere out your eyes constantly looking fo rhim around.... kahi pe thooo !!!!!!

soooooo yahhh reading that message and you dont remember what or how cause that one waking up to him and that rush of him soon as you see him in that birthday post of his you almost forgot most of the dream..... like all you could thnk feeeel live was that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him !!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa how beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yaaaaaaa so this thing it was some work set like some documentarry kinda setup it was and he was directing the scene or smthing and you just sit dooor on the steps living that beauuuuuty of him... he was wearing this bottle green knit with jeans full grown beauuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his daaadi.... and working around with the scene and the waaaaaaaaay he would turn with some bahana and jsut watch you for a bit.... that one lil conversation cause you donno why he did mention he would pretend as if he doesnt know you..... it did hurt actually reading it charlie....

whooo ni hotaaa someone becomes that much and then asked to be nothing at all kinda vibe it was !!!!

but there was you just making the most of him you had before you living that beauuuuuuty of him and this one instance where this lil girl part of the shoot had a diarymilk in hand par of the scene again and the waaaaaaay he just looks at you loks at the chocolate in her hand and then looks at you again with that one adooooooooooooorable smile in a way again relivng that diarymilk moments he shared with you in that one glance and you do that same face from back then lip smacking one just looking at him n the chocolate and the way he takes one of those and throws it on your side....

like it goes on for sometime to that one moment where its almost done and people are leaving and takes his bag too jsut bout to leave and you get off jus bout  to leave too with your back towards him with that feeeeeeeeling all that way to just live him..... and his arms around you the waaaaaaaaaaaay he just holds you awaaaaaaaaaay and literally with that strong grip holds your hand and makes you sit on his bike....

off to somewhere you still maintaining that distance and the waaaaay he holds your hand again and makes you hold him and you jsut ask him but we dont know each other.... and teh waaaaaay he just smiles looking through the rear view and just says now we do... to some moment and theer were people still standing and you had to walk away from him or smthing it was and he does that again holds your hand and brings you closer to him.....

it was different charlie very very different nothing like def youve ever dreamed like....

cause you were seeing places that clear it def was one of those leh or nepal kinda mountains around.... it had that feeeeeeling of him being pulled away from you despite of wanting to be with you.... like was showing that he loved you that much and yet being pulled awy from you.... it was weird.....

its like everything else on one side and that feeeeeeeel of him showing you his love for you felt just the same like it did bak then... when he was making all those attempts just t omake you realize his love for you make you realize what you shared felt for him was love....... is Love !!!!!!

like he was that strongly pulling you back to him when you were that unsure jsut cause of that message of his.... its like he always does thsi charlie like ye ek baaat tho hai.....

be it in the dream or for real....

even in those meets when he would ask you to leave literally keep remninding you to leave and then soon as you are just bout to hold you back with something or the other.... a play or a dance or jsut some goofing around random thing.... just so he could live you for longer.....

kabiiii kuch samaj nai ataaa but its that moment when you fall asleep is the only time when you are that sure of his love for you again......

its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he comes charlie its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he makes you feel realize things his love like he is actually making that effort to make you realize that.....

and then when the day happens you wake up its a different world with a zillio n more questions.....

if love then why this !!!!!!!!!!

like to love is easy to be loved gets that much more complicated....

like you clearly remember it was that long of a dream with those intervals of changing sdes with that smile on the inside like even through the dream there def was one this moment where you change the side with a happy sigh cause you were living him and changing the side yaaaaaaa again this never happened before that fine line between the dream and reality did disappear for that one instance.... where you change the side and still see him like you know you are changing side and stll living him with that happy sigh cause you were living him.....

to the many different situations instances like through the nite you for sure know it was that long of a dream with intervals..... to that sudden smthing and you wake up 6 smthing and that need to check back his insta cause you were that badly waiting to see him some birthday post smthing kuch bhi kaiseeeeee bhi bas to just seeeee him....

and there it was that red round and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa that jump of khushi even before seeing him click it fataak se without fear this time and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him charlie...................

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa inneeeeeeeeeeeee kitaaaaaaa kitaaaaaaaaaaaa kitttuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu kiiiiitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa khooobsoorat hoteee jaaraaaa......

that spark on one side and the way he turns and looks up his hair ting ting bolke him looking his gorgeous happy high drunk ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that blue but that one big change nooo baaaal on the seeenas that you also looooooved like he did think it was pretty gay for guys to be without it like that standard and guys with v neck standard gays...... ayyyaaaaaaaaa but that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him !!!!!!!!!!!

that one face in the world for you like you see him that very instant aisaaaaaaaaa kaisaaaaaaaaa mooohpeee itttiii badi smile aaaajaaati charlie dhadaaaaaam bolkeee...

ever since the start like his presence him walking around to just looking at him that one khushiiiiiiii it used to fill you up with.... like you dint even know why it was juts making you smile to just look at him... like its always been that way ever since the start....

his presence and that one khushiii through you wooooosh bolkeee.....

that same vibe this morning to jsut seee him and you keeep repeating it on loop seeing him as many timesa syou can knowing what if he blocks you back again.... and  you make the most of it as much as you can !!!!!!!!

through the day that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of him...

that much him rushing through you THIS much more him rushing through you now as you relive and write that one him.........

abbb itttaaaaaaaaaa hot hansome banegaaa thoo ye thoo hona he thaaa !!!!!!!

potiyaa tho girtee nai !!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa how beauuuuuuuuutiful !!!!!!!!!!

its that one thing bout him charlie no matter what theres that one spark of innocence in him in that face his expression overall being of his that hint that beauuuuuuutiful hint of innocence almsot childlike its like taking the beauuuuuuuty of his a notch higher with it.....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this mind now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To live Him...

 it was one of the most weirdly beauty of a dream...

with that feeeeeeeeling ever since october that much khushi of having found him with that much of pain too not having him now....

a day before his birthday off to work and it starts to rain that bad and  that urgent need to just be some place his that rush of all him wih the rains and you ask the driver to take that sudden turn and ends up with the first baaad dent kinda thing on the side of the car and yet you ask the driver to just rush cause the water now with flooding roads gets that risky off late....

from genpact to the turn and you see that temple same temple on the side on that same mountain top and realize it was the wrong turn and with the heavy rains barely could see teh street and it was that deserted but that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of some places charlie.... you were there after decades after Him... prolly the first time even that close to the stadium place.....

and that feeeeeeeeeeel of him in the corners around same temple the sound of the temple bells to the silence lived with him where he takes you saying it was his most fav place.... to just standing there beside with him for hours both your fones in his car and just living that beauty of the place, it was more bout you making up your mind trying to make sense of the change you were living for the first time... finding comfort in someones presence liking someones presence living someones closeness that wasnt making you want to move away or fear the presence or closeness.... like it felt that familiar He felt that beauuuuuuuuutifully familiar....

that day even with the heavy rains stop in the middle of the street for a bit plug in his music and relive that day.... its thatbeauuuuuuuuutifully clear charlie.... even after all these years....

where he was still looking around the place and you living that beauty of him.... the waaaaaaaaaay just watching him lving his details was making you happy making you smile... to seeing him that close to you and how for the first time it didnt scare you with that sense of moving away and that very moment he looks at the distance between you two cause you were standing that close to each other and then that one lil smileeeeee of his.... and the waaaaaaaaay he just looks at you and you move a lil closer still with distance and he smileees again this time a bigger smile and then loosk back at the view and  you that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully lost in all him.... for those few hours living him living tht silence of that beautiful place was you realizing he did become much much more than just a friend to you.... 

to even much later with that love of his to talk bout those initial days with you to share what and how he felt bout you with you he did mention how he intentionally used to spend that kinda time with you to just let you make you realize what you felt for him what you shared with him and even more to make you realize his love for you...

kowing your love for nature which again he did know it already back then he takes you  to the stadium place and actually lets you live that feeeling making you realize his love for you.... 

sooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

when the same very place did hold many a memories your first ever nose chummi the waaaaay he loved to eat your nose pooora away was there for teh first time that color of his love over you was there getting caught by the cops to just living him living that beauuuuuuuuuty of him late in the evenings holding him by his arm over his shoulder his music playing in the car sitting over the steps and just living that feeeeeeeeeeel of his love.....

that day with rains that feeeeeeeeeeeeeling it left you with !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT much love !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its this thing bout living him in his places through this month every year....

any place of his to just be there and live him relive his love for you there....

to just relive that feeeeeeeeeeeling of being loved by Him...! 

Some days - MAGIC !!!!!!!!!!!

 the morning today was smthing else !!!!!

its one of those things that you cant possibly describe define out in best of words bhi !!!!

it was pure magic !!!!!!

one of those dreams never before !!!!!!!

specially when you were feeling like this.... its like you are in love with his shadow like thats all you can possibly get yourself to love and feel - His shadow...

His birthday the most importantly beautful day of your life..... like this one day comes out the biggest of thank yous to his mom just for briging Him into this world.... like to just have him in life to having known lived loved him..... to have him once upon a time s your everything in LIFE and with it did become your life itself....

to now just his shadow that you live love !!!!!!!1

whoo hota nai charlie some days all the more realization tingggg bolke maarta this one month is one of thsoe days throughout the month !!!!!

to the morning like this one  today.....

lil did you know when wishing him indirectly like some post on his birthda to save up on your insta and you find this beauty of words that actually sounded like perfect wish to wish him with magic lil did you know that would ulta work on you instead.....

never before ever before did you live him this way......

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh this morning mornings like these you could only possibly wish for.... one of those mornings...! 

this beautiful of a coincidence!!!!!!

 After decades this one pic looks almost like the one he had taken of yours at opera...... Right after moments face covered poora with face with just the chin n eye showing just cause he that bad wanted to capture that feeel of the moment of you being happy high on him.... Hmmmmm where to where onkyyyy it went!!!!!!

Somemkoments I tell you!!!! Some visuals ayaaaaaaaa that one himmmmmm ho gayaa mera kaaam fir!!!!!!

Ab yeeee high ka. Utartaaaa ki!!!!!!

Ayaaaaaa heart has never been thus content n happpoy in longest of times chalieeeeeee!!!!!! 

mornings like tehse!!!!!!

 Ayaaaaaaaaaa mind I tell now this happpppppoooyest neeend bhii aaari kaaam bhi hai and ayyyaaaaaaaaa this feeeeeling rushing right now.......

This is rpolly is the first time ever u had thus feeeeeling lived this feeeeeling ecen be it for pics sake but lived this feeeeling....

Dreaming of him living him thissss way and then axtualllly qxtuall mein like almost real like mein wake upto him.... Even be it for his pictures sake but still wakeupto him ayyaaaaa slfie thooo nataaaaa naaa chalieee......

This feeels more like your jethday only baaaaah jetday kateee 

Howleeeeeeeeee u gorgeous lil big adoooiiiiiiiiooorable thing how only YOU were missed abiiiiiiiii ke abiiuiuu that beauuuuuuuuuutofully happpoy high he loooked ayyaaaaaaaaaa this you now happpppppoooyest high on him!!!!!!!!

Geeeeliest waliiiiiii chummmmi lag jaaaana uskuuuuuuu ekdummm seeee damaaaaal bolkeeeee!

Ayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

 THIS feeels like oneeeee haaaaappppppiestestest heart sleeeep that you are slipping into now..... One dreammmmm with him in Nepal to waking up too him literaaaallllyyyytyyy!!!!!!!

Ayaaaaaaaaaaaa that constant checking staaaalking his insta n takkkk bolkeee that red ting around him n u click strangely this time no fear nothing basss click.....n there he was ayaaaaaaaaaaa oneeeee koooooooobsoooooorat hoteee jaaaara chalieeeeeee long hair like back then ayaaaaaaaaaaaaaàaaaaaaaaaaaaa gorgeousssss I sayyyyy baash autocorrect ki Masako..... Seee this only maaki boletoh Masako Katee....

Ayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa himmmmmm sooooooo gorgeous I saaaay this state of you niwwww th8soment here haaaaapppy fulllll heart like this you still asleep writing ovr fone cause uuuuu thissss haaaaapppppy this very moment here causeee u almost allllmooossstttttt literally woke upto him n ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa whaaayttttaaaaaaaa him I sayyyy soooooooooooooo beautiful daaaadi long hair but wit nooo baal on seena..... That was new :| 

Ayaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee how nowwwwwwwwwwww sooooo sooooooooo beautiful?!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!

Wohiii thook isliyeich!!!!!! Ab aisaaaaaaaa banetjooo hotaaaaa hi naaa 

Ayaaaaaaaaaaa this heart this you now haaaappiest you've ever been from being with him in the dream he sahiiii who bhi Nepal to living him waking upto seeeeeee him that beauty!!!!!!!!!

Howleeeeeee yummmmm jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan meri!!!!!!!!!!!

Heart day of your LIFE!!

 Happy birthday...!

To be heard...

 Some words and the chord it strikes you with, like you know just hit the string with the state of mind you already are in....

This one month of every single year does this thing with you, every year.... Moments when you are the happiest having lived loved it and at times also hurts the most like nothing possibly ever could... 

Watching this beauty of a film and that beauty of just being heard to listened to to you know Charlie having someone to be listened by.. like you know to just be able to have someone sit with you in times at hour like this world asleep no sound nothing at all this beautiful calm with his music playing on n off wild rains out..... And just talk your heart all of you out.... To know just be listened to to just sit and talk out anything to everything like anything that hits your mind in that and just talk it out...,. Without having to rethink or edit, to just be there raw out your mind with someone......

And this beauty of the post on one of your pages - to have someone love you with the same ferocity of love as yours, something on similar lines...

Diwali it was this day.....

Some dates n the vibe they come with you can't run fight or hide away from!

Lil did you know back then, lil!!!!!!

That presence you were growing living with years later this !!!!!!!!!!

This one month !!!!!!!!!

Every single year!!!!!!

Not sure if it hurt more last year or this one...!

The blue bird...

 On your way to work......

This prolly most def is one of the first ever missing way to work that had to be written out felt all out abhi ke abhiiiii.....

Who hota nai Charlie u go through an entire year and there's this one month like every year that hits you harder than any other...

This one month that first step drawnnn towards Him that changed it all for you for life.. today of all days when this missing this moment here hurts the most..... Donno why what or how ever since that morning moment morning Him, this state of mind it has left you with...... THIS much him rushing through you!!!!!!

To this beauty of the birds specially the eagle living the flight of its own..... That beautiful sway moving that smooth his arms wide open through the security checks upwards there are people standing getting checked in ques and yet there was him that beautifully different than the rest..... Arms wide open and upwards to the sky that one gorgeous human bird just bout to fly...... The way he just stands his posture all and everything bout him that one beautiful sight of your life!!!!!! That one moment that you used to look forward the most every single time when at the malls that one moment to just live that beauty of him in the bird form......

To this moment when this missing today is hurting the most like it never has before and that one moment of calm lived in that flight of the bird..... Living these birds with flashes of him every time!!!!!

Some days you just donnoooo you just can't go bout with it!!!!! Like it feels different hurts a lil more than any other day just feels different.....

15th start of it all this one month changed you your life for life...

Lil did you know!!!!!!!