What if !!

 proly one of the strongest of words ever !!!!!!!

nites like these where now you try your most to refrain from writing him with the missing growing now..... like you feel him that strongly in the dreams like you know feeeeeeeel his presence that strongly even on your finger tips your hand your nose where you can smell him that strong with that feel in your heart making you feeeeel his presence even after the waking up..... the waking up after from dreams like those that real is a completely different story.....

all through the day at work no matter what you do where you are that feeeeeeeeel of him still there.... with mind swaying to the what ifs you were that you were this would he stay back then would things be different then.... could that have made him stay back or want you in his life like you know you sort of think of things that couldve made that happen.... and then that point where you realize what were you thinking even.....

things like these you cant help where off late this happened more than twice in the dream where you just hold onto him like you know hold onto his shirt tight enough hoping he dosnt disappear where like he knew why you were doing that and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he nods away to that adooooooooooooooooooorably with that one smile of his like you know do what you want kinda smile and you just hold onto him not moving not making a sound or talking anything at all with no movements at all and just live his presence holding onto his shirt and smthing or the other alarm or mom talking over the fone in the other room some sound smthing wakes you up and that first thing you ntice is your hand fist clinched like you actually were holding onto his shirt......

and that feeeeeeeeeling what if it did happen for real like you know some moments feeeeeeeel that real ittaaaaaa real ki it makes you doubt your own sanity wala real....

to moments where you hear some music of his on your way it raining raindrops on the window living him living his different memories different moments and that one sudden strong feeeel where you couldnt hear the osund from the outside cause of yoru earplugs but that one strong shake or smthing and you take off one ear plug to listen as your mom was listening to the radio in the car and it was tera hone laga hoon track playing on the radio some shitty remix of it but that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel charlie......

after lucky ali that one and only hindi bollywood track he sings out loud for you like just out from the gym and that track he plays in the car and then sings it along and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling cause him singing a bollywood song was aaaaa biiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggg deal !!!!!!!!!!!

like it makes you that happpppppppppppppppppppppy not cause it was one of your most loved songs but what he just did for you...... is when you know and realize how much of importance does that one feeeeeeeeeeel can make you feeeel...... to just do smthing for someone you love !!!!!!!!!!!

anythig at all even if it be the most embarrassing thing on the universe , be it you sjut do cause it makes them happy !!!!!!!!!

that day his face him looking you in the eye and singing it loud for you and then in ishaara asks you to sing along cause there weree few lines you loved singing out to him.... and both actually sing it out loud and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel charlie moments when you forget its a love song or anything its just bout doing smthing you could never do it with anybody else....

like singing was smthing you always loved and even practiced for smtime as a kid before the incident cause you looooooved singing...... after that you never really did like not intentionally but just somehow never did.... and with him you used to often and other than him you used to with his sister too old classic bollywood songs with her on drives also rememer where for the same reason you even mentioned bout how you wish you were sisters too.... and that one moment when you hang up after talking to him and she just looks at you and tells you you love bhayya too much nai.... and you just nod and tell her also why you wish you were sisters so you could see hi m for longer tooo....

and the way she laughs away saying that way someday you would have to leave and get married but this way you could be with them for longer.....

soooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh exaaaaaaaaactly why you sometimes you dont write......

where to where onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy it went !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some days and all it takes it just a moment and you are gone !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!