Baarish !!!!!

 that one rain that one Him.....

some expressions of his from some moments this beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully clear like it was just yesterday.....

aur jab baat uski gaadi ka hotaaa that one faceee he use dto make !!!!!

times when you would galti se bang the dooor and he had to scream but couldnt and just holds that scream and you tell him nai boldee and that one adooooooorableeeee loud screaam karelyyy halllu band kar door zarra....

to that day back from opera and it rains that first n only rain with him....

and you look around and look at him and just by th way you look at him th waaaaaaay that beauuuuutifully smooooth puts the window down and you look out feeel the rain over your face and it rains a lil more and look at him an dthat one faceee as he looks at you and looks att the seat with the rain dorps over and you ask him karaab hotaa nai and he jus nods and sit back windows up and still look around and the waaaaaaaaay he drives slow closer to the trees and puts the windows again and that one looooooook in his eyes that one smileeeeeeeeeeee on him like asking you to set yourself freee.....

and you almost put yourself out half way feeling the rain as he holds onto your leg as you feel the rain and then come back in and hold him away..... it was nothing and yet meant the world everything more to you !!!!!!!!!

to just be loved by him that way............

to just be loved by HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!

it was your everything your all and more !!!!!!!!!

that was when you were the happiest in your life like youve never been again ever !!!!!!!!

that was your HAPPINESS !!!!!!!

having lived very few months but like having lived a lifetime of loving him..... being loved by him !!!!!!

that feeeeeeeling that love that HIM and nothing kabhi kuch nai charlie nothing ever even came close to that one feeeeeeeel that one HIM !!!!!!!!!

that nite by yourself living that moment and living him that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling it was smthing else !!!!!!!

a place youd that much wished for again smthing that lil but that one wish your heart did make and  you could almost see it visually fade away with time evry  time you passed throuogh that street when there used to be too much traffic on the actual route....

that one feeel to visually live the wish fade away with years....

and then to live him in your mind with his music playing in that very place....

even now as you write his music playing and wirting him out with all these flashes of him his every expresson every face that he used to make his frowns his smirks his adooooooooorable chuckle his stare his just love you wala standard look his that one smileeeeeee every to anything him rushing through you in this moment is why you dont write anymore.....

this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling it overfills you with !!!!!!!!!!

THIS feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa THAT one him i swear !!!!!!!!!!!!!

kaiseeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

like howwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaa woooooooooosh bolkeeeeee jaaan gayaaa unee meri pooori ki pooooori !!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeee howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him - Priority...!

 bhot baaar sochi charlie how why what how when did this happen but like its always been this way right from the very start from that very first time that you saw him.....

like that moment on from that very moment he did become that someone in your life that always came first like bas there that one priority of your life, only priority of your life....

kab kaise why pata nai how... bas hai !!!!!!

whoo kuch bhii karle but that one thing in you just doesnt change no matter what.....

there is this and there is this world that you are sleeping with.... where smtimes you wake up and wonder what if he still does love you and is why you feel all this dream moments like these and then there is that fact when he actually asks you to move on cause he has.... 

and knowing him with this distance now he actually did let you go.... wanted you to leave....

cause the way he said it this time sounded like and with this disatnce what if you actually did.... knowing him he wouldnt even stop you.... and just let you go.... 

then there is this dream from tdoay completely oppposite cause that dream him wasnt the real him... he wouldnt do that he would infact let you go like he did withtht message of his.... 

there is all this and then there are moments flashes through your day that are filled with HIm....

on your way to work that hour almost with his music playing and that feel of him aaj kal ki even the random someone at  the busstop turns into him with hands folded and just looking at you with that smileeeeeeeee the face still that blur but that feeeeeeeel in you like you are actually looking at him standing there at the bustop.....

to this one moment a few days back....

when you finally meet your friend after all this lockdown and ask your driver to head back home and let her drive instead cause you been wanting to live that moment in rain.....

this one lane charlie right close to your apartment turn and it looks almost like the empty street around the stadium place of his....

and when missing him th most in that waaaaaaay theere used to be this wish that you used to wish shuru shuru mein when you first moved and found this street of living moments with Him here..... like you know living moments with him there.....

with year after year that one wish sort of started to fade away wit time.....

few days back as it was raining that bad and with one breezer down you ask your friend to stop there and play his music on your fone leave it in the car and get out his way leave the door open as  the music plays again smthing he used to back then at the gym sitting with him on the stairs under the gym building with his fink playing in the car and both of us having coffee you living him the most as you can.....

that same way head out and just stand there as it was raining and cry your heart out....

places charlie and this again the art of loving places you did learn with loving living him back then.....

to find that vibe of places like you know you sort of connect with some place like that one corner that feels special like nothing else just that vibe of some place and that street was that for you with those andar andaar wish karna of some day with him there and with years now and this distance that one wish sort of got lost and that nite a sit was really late you live that feeeling of letting go of that wish.....

knowing !!!!!!!!!!!

there are things that change you dont know where youll go from here where life takes you but this one thing nai charlie will never change, Him - Priority !!!!!!!

like the only one that you felt loved lived this way who did become like nothing else no one else mattered to you ever or will ever !!!!!!

its like he owns you in a way he wouldnt know either !!!!!!!

kabhii it hurts charlie like why lived that much why loved that much when it had to change like this !!!!

like you know better off not knowing how it feels than knowing it and then not finding it again !!!!!!

that one rain lived with him was all you could think of living that moment of rain that nite.....

Dreams n DREAMS !!!!!

 there are dreams n there are dreams that you no matter what cant get over !!!!! 

again one of those things that you least think or even dont think of and then the most bizarre almost kinda dream happens....

last few weeks been smthing there is this reality that you struggle through then there is that world of Him that you sleep with and to...... smthing anything to everything bout that world is all that you love live breathe - Him...

like that part of the world again you dont wanna wake up from....

and then facing the actual day after thewaking up is another story !!!!

like two worlds living that stark different from the other.....

THAT much of him you wake up to now and then to go through the day thinking taking it to be just another dream is smthing you just cant learn the art of it !!

to just ignore or let it be and take it to be just another dream cause thats how HOW you felt lived him through the dream !! like he was there for REAL and not just another dream !!!!!

this one too today was the most bizarre one.... youve lived a similar one before too but this one felt sooooooooooo real like it dint feel like you were dreaming....

who nai hota charlie smthings cause thats only how it could be you wish you could maybe then you would get to see him meet him for real !!!!!!!!

it was some pooja soon you see another hand holding yours under by the way it looks or even more importantly by the way it feeeeeeels wasnt his.....

like that touch troubles you that BAD ki you look to your side and see smbody else like again its blur but wasnt him.....

and that weird ajeeb feeeling like you were porlly getting married n was some pooja random one holding your hand and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay that visual of somebody else holding your hand troubles you..... and that one dooor somewhere like you could hear some sound again the waaaaay it from far calms smthing down and that neeed to get away for a bit and you make some excuse bout changing smthing it was..... walk to some place dark like it was room or shack kinda thing and you just stand there with that THAT MUCH him rushing through you..... and that saaaaaaaaaaaaaame feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of his presence like youcould just feeeeeeeeeel his presence rushing through you..... every single time years now be it for real or in the dreams like you could feeeel his presence inside you whoo hotaaa nai charlie smthing everything chnges inside you like ekdum seee kuch dhadaaaaaaam bolkeee sab change ho gayaaa andaar he that kindaa beauuuutiful shift in you... and you start to look around and there he was standing a lil door and just looks at you this time he wasnt smiling for the firs ttime..... cause that one smileeeeeeeeeee tinggggggggggg bolkeee on him the sec he sees you like that one standard smileeeeeeeee of his ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa always been there since the very start like one look at you and tingggggg bolkeeeeee he smileeeees ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa THAT one smile i saaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bas gayiiiiiiiiiiii wooich usssiiiiii pe pooori ki poooooooooori gayiiii !!!!!!!!

soooooo yahhhhh this time for the first time he wasnt smiling and the waaaaaaaaaaaaay it troubles shakes you up to just see him look at you the way he was looked restless like that restless.....

and that same feeeeeeeling of being drawn to him with that one invisible string.....

and you runnn to him and the waaaaay he holds you awaaay......... like holding you completely awaaay and not just hugging you like lierally holds you pooora ka pooora away that one feeeeeel that saaaame hug of his after a long time that same hug used to be like !!!!!!!!!

that same feeeeeel in that one hug like he was literally holding you away from it all and closest to him kinda holding you awaay !!!!

terku maloom mein aati nai and the waaaaaaaaaay he nods awaay over your shoulder !!!!

some sound somebody calling you over and you instead walk along and away from it all the waaay he tries to walk you out from there through some trees or smthing and you culd still hear those sounds from behind calling you out and it was your mom waking you up..... the beauuuuuuuty of it was his music still playing on the laptop as you couldnt sleep earlier and you play the beret playlist and try to sleep.... his music still playing and you smiling cause you could stilllll feeeeeeeeeel that one hug of his over your arms and  your mom standing telling you there was some call for you from the manager or smthing it was.... like you could see she was talking but you couldnt hear a thing the mind that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully high still high on him....

again that same you that meeting seeing living him used to do to you..... 

that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully high on Him....

its like you dont stay the you anymore, that beauuuuuuutifully all n just Him i say !!!!!!!!

Him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thi feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelling that you feeeeeeeeeeel right now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with words out and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay this feeeeeeeeeeling only grows and makes it all the more beautifully worse for you !!!!!!!!!!

his face his facial expressions his adooooooorable sound of chuckle to his words aisaaaa howliiii that one nod of his like it alllllll ekdum seeeeeeee woooooooooooooooosh bolkeeee flows through you !!!!!!!!

with dreams there are moments some very special moments through the day today too was just one of those momemts.....

this one fav page you follow where the post written was upsetting like you avoid reading things like those.... but the image does it for you....

holding the face that close.....

see it and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of Him.....

hi smost loved thing to do in between the moments the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would stop ekdumm see and just hold your face away in his hands and just look at you.... that feeeeeeeeeel in those first few initial moments with him chralie to just seeeeeee him liveeeeeeee him look at you that way in between the moments and then smileeeeeeee awaaaaaay as you look away from him cause you were dead shy in that moment.....

the waaaaaaaaaaay it used to make him that happpy with that one smileeeeeee on him to just live you that way.... to just live those moments of his love for you.... 

to that moment when you see a cockroach after really long and ayyyaaaaaaaaaa that khushi cause again all you could live and feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel was Him.... the waaaaaaaaaaaaay it made you that khushhhhhh in that very moment mom surfin through channels and stops at hat very right moment as one of your most loved songs for him plays jag ghoomya ayyyaaaaaaaa uskeeeeeeeee jaisaaaaaaa na koi.....

everything to anything bout him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa LOVE i SAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

also whyyyyyyyyyy that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling luckiest one that one i say who got to be with him be loved by him to get to live him i say !!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa THAT one him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anythng bout him charlie ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa bas dekhoooo and khataaaammm fullllllllllll pyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar i saaaaaaaay poooraaaaaaaaaaaaa dooooob jaaaaanaaaaaaaaaaa dooobak bolkeeeeee wala pyaaaaar oopar oopar wala so so waal pyaaar nai poooooooora dobaaakkkk bolkeeeeeeee dooob jaaaaaaaaaanaaaaaa wala pyaaaaar....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one him karelyyyyy who aisa waisa nai wings wala cockroad haii save meee it will come back to me at nite.....

howwwwwww howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww this adooooooooooooorable even writing that moment writing his face from those moments puts a smile on you in this very moment....

this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling it fills your heart with !!!!!

this is what love needs to feel like regardless of the absence it needs to fill your heart with this feeeeeeeling like you know make you happy like nothing else in the world can.... no one else in the world can.....

and with him its always been this way right from the very start.....

that sec that moment you see him walking in over the tiles it put a smile on you made you happpy on the inside for the first time seeing someone....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa him being the worlds most annoying one bhiiii ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa jus the way he is with all that he is ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ke jaisaaaaaaaa na koii !!!!!!!!!!!!!

today as the song plays head out in the balcony and it was raiing that beautifully.....

with all him rushing playing jumping through you !!!!!!!!!

every expression every moment youve lived and fallllleeeeeeeeeeeeen drowneeeeeeeeed in love with him.....

just  the way he is charlie all that he is anything to eveyrthing bout him its  that feeeeeeeel of raw beautifully real.... is when you know him wanting you to leave when he dosnt want you to least bhi.....

cause that real raw is what youve seen him as.... so when he says he wants you to leave and all of him still holding you back like not letting go of your hand only.....

agaaaaaaaaaaain where to where onlyyyyyyyyy it went !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this nite ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

howliiiiiiiiiiiii banaaaaaaaa gayaaaaaaaaaaa pooori ki poooooori !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What if !!

 proly one of the strongest of words ever !!!!!!!

nites like these where now you try your most to refrain from writing him with the missing growing now..... like you feel him that strongly in the dreams like you know feeeeeeeel his presence that strongly even on your finger tips your hand your nose where you can smell him that strong with that feel in your heart making you feeeeel his presence even after the waking up..... the waking up after from dreams like those that real is a completely different story.....

all through the day at work no matter what you do where you are that feeeeeeeeel of him still there.... with mind swaying to the what ifs you were that you were this would he stay back then would things be different then.... could that have made him stay back or want you in his life like you know you sort of think of things that couldve made that happen.... and then that point where you realize what were you thinking even.....

things like these you cant help where off late this happened more than twice in the dream where you just hold onto him like you know hold onto his shirt tight enough hoping he dosnt disappear where like he knew why you were doing that and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he nods away to that adooooooooooooooooooorably with that one smile of his like you know do what you want kinda smile and you just hold onto him not moving not making a sound or talking anything at all with no movements at all and just live his presence holding onto his shirt and smthing or the other alarm or mom talking over the fone in the other room some sound smthing wakes you up and that first thing you ntice is your hand fist clinched like you actually were holding onto his shirt......

and that feeeeeeeeeling what if it did happen for real like you know some moments feeeeeeeel that real ittaaaaaa real ki it makes you doubt your own sanity wala real....

to moments where you hear some music of his on your way it raining raindrops on the window living him living his different memories different moments and that one sudden strong feeeel where you couldnt hear the osund from the outside cause of yoru earplugs but that one strong shake or smthing and you take off one ear plug to listen as your mom was listening to the radio in the car and it was tera hone laga hoon track playing on the radio some shitty remix of it but that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel charlie......

after lucky ali that one and only hindi bollywood track he sings out loud for you like just out from the gym and that track he plays in the car and then sings it along and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling cause him singing a bollywood song was aaaaa biiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggg deal !!!!!!!!!!!

like it makes you that happpppppppppppppppppppppy not cause it was one of your most loved songs but what he just did for you...... is when you know and realize how much of importance does that one feeeeeeeeeeel can make you feeeel...... to just do smthing for someone you love !!!!!!!!!!!

anythig at all even if it be the most embarrassing thing on the universe , be it you sjut do cause it makes them happy !!!!!!!!!

that day his face him looking you in the eye and singing it loud for you and then in ishaara asks you to sing along cause there weree few lines you loved singing out to him.... and both actually sing it out loud and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel charlie moments when you forget its a love song or anything its just bout doing smthing you could never do it with anybody else....

like singing was smthing you always loved and even practiced for smtime as a kid before the incident cause you looooooved singing...... after that you never really did like not intentionally but just somehow never did.... and with him you used to often and other than him you used to with his sister too old classic bollywood songs with her on drives also rememer where for the same reason you even mentioned bout how you wish you were sisters too.... and that one moment when you hang up after talking to him and she just looks at you and tells you you love bhayya too much nai.... and you just nod and tell her also why you wish you were sisters so you could see hi m for longer tooo....

and the way she laughs away saying that way someday you would have to leave and get married but this way you could be with them for longer.....

soooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh exaaaaaaaaactly why you sometimes you dont write......

where to where onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy it went !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some days and all it takes it just a moment and you are gone !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The blues...

 nites and this state of mind some ornings can leave you with......

 that sudden need to head out for a walk and that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of somem moments everytime now you hear some dog howl.....

 back then over the fone with him and you hear some dog howl and tell him how it sort of scares you away and teh waaaaaaaaaay he that adooooooorably transformed the meaning of dog howls for you from that nite..... 

karelyyy it could be cold or just missing someone that he loves and howling away for it.... like am missing you now and does that sound and you actually howl back at him and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay he adoooooooooorably says one more time and ill be there and that feeeeeeeeeeeeel like then there was no stopping few more howls and he did come down to see you..... 

 

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ever since then dog howls did becom that code word for missing....

 today walking around with his music and the dog howls and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of Him and his missing howl.....

 

how charlie like how suddenly sometimes.....

this THIS much of him.....

this line from some movie or series it was today that goes with how times changes...

like you know how the meets get less frequent then the seeing gets even more less and then you even hear all the more less from them and suddenly it all just disappears like all gone.....

some dates on the calendar and that feeeel they bring along with now......

like you cant just help !!!!!!!!!!!

been an year heard from him......

soooooooo yeah it was rakhi and that very morning you wake up with this dream of his him looking his beauutiful best in a beautiful tone of blue almost powder blue and wit that beauuuuuuuuuuuuty of his full grown daaaadi..... like the dream and the after feeeels of that dream the waking up that touch ofhis over your chin still there that smell of his and THAT much of it still there..... like you struggle to get over that feeeeeeel of that dream the waking up after that dream almost made you forget it was rakhi and this happens now often..... as weird as this sounds the other dates on the calendar now come with any to something of him no matter what date it is..... like jo bhiii hai he is there like anything of him and the waaaaaaaaaay it just beomes all bout him.....

rakhi morning too was one of those.....

jsut bout to get ready and you see this gift on your bed it was from your mom like every rakhi she gets one for you in a way from bhayyas side.... 

open it and the exaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaact same color of blue that he was wearing that very morning..... shirt it was.....

you cause of your broad shoulders refrained from wearing shirts all this while and this being your very first proper shirt it was.... and whooo bhi of all the colors it was in His blue from that very same morning......

the fabric that beauuuuuuuutifully soft with that color of Him still on your mind wear it fataaak seee.....

and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie...... you wear things that look good and then there are things that come with Him that makes you happy like nothing else in the world possibly can.... that shirt was one of those cause just a few hours back you held him felt him chummied him felt his daaaaaaaaaadi felt that softness of his skin over the shirt in that same very same color and that exact one was what you were wearing.... like how beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful of it for a coincidence could that be.....

again one of those things that made you happpppppppy from the inside cause you felt him all through that day like you know that touch of him like you still had on with you kinda madness.....

that one shirt did become that much more special to you already.....

in his blue......

blue rakhi it was.....

mostly liek always its been bout bhayya and guilty it was this time it did become all bout Him....

kabhi bhayya bhot yaad aaate charlie.... specially when theres that sudden need out of nowhere to talk to someone for real bout him like you know verbally live him like talk smthing naything kuch bhi at all to someone like you know share......

The thing - Missing !!

 this thing bout missing sometimes now that youve lived this feeling for almost your entire life now is that that you somehow can never get used to it......

everytime you feel it it still feels new even with the same memory over n over again.....

the vibe of missing that feeeeel of missing that flow of missing  you can never get used to..... it sort of completes that smthing fills up that smthing for the moment in you.... like you know let yourself be drawn let yourself flow with that flow o fmissing like you know reliving some moment or just vibin with some track on your long way back home and you shut your eye with his music playing and with his flashes rushing through you..... like you know memory after memory moment after moment.....

and that feeeeeeeeel that moment those moments that hour or more is that feeeeeel that you can never get used to..... like you wait long for that moment just so you can beeeeeee with that feeeel of Him rushing through you.....

and this thing bout missing the more you live the more you are sort of drawn to moments that make you sort of live that feeeeeel all over again.....

last week has been waaaaay more than hectic wit masterji leaving for his hometown for the festival and had to plan the work before hand accordingly schedule the order the sample stuff accordingly got a lot more hectic than what youd planned...... and amidst all that chaos last week or more there has been every moment of your own peace rushing through you.....

its like you constantly live him now though the face now smetimes gets that blurred with the time now..... its only that much clear when you sleep like then you see him that clear every lil detal of his that clear but its the day moments through the day where you see a side of him a lil blur sometimes or just at a distance.....

and yet it means the world cause you knowwwwwwww what that lil of him tooo means to you !!!!!

like out of nowhere something anything of him connecting you away swaying you away from it all and everything him.... like even discusiing some design or smthing you sort of drift away from it all in a sec and off n away in your place at the studio in the balcony overlooking the most gorgeous lush trees all around..... like thats your corner at the studio play his music loud shut the door away and just be sitting there..... 

thats your moment meaning the world to you cause in that moment all  you wanna feel live looooove breathe is Him.....

this thing bout missing the more you miss the more you WANNA miss !!!!!!

its your way of filling up that almost hollow space in you for the moment where you still can feel him feel his presence in that moment and not feel alone in that moment.....

this beauuuuuuuty of the nite today this smel in the air, ever since Him monsoon definitely has never been easy !!!!!

NEVER !!!!!!!!!

to just be loved...!

whoo hotaaa naiii bas uttteee time mein to have lived that much love !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like THAT much love !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that even days like your brothers birthday or anniversary or rakhi now comes with those flashes of him in ways......

back then when you see him for the first time in formals that one shirt white n blue striped of his..... heading out for an interview and he changes and comes before you..... and asks you if he was looking okay even jsut as friends.....

through the conversation just before him leaving you ask him why dont people these days tuck in their shirts inside the trousers or jeans as him wearing.... and he stops one look at you and asks you that adooooooooooooorably who used to wear it that way and you tell him was your brother.....

like bhayyaa nai charlie that one love of his to tuck in every shirt or t shirt under the jeans and wearing those big boots style trainers.....

and after you ever did see anybody dress the way bhayya used to ......

and pata nai kyu that one wish did come out with him before him for teh first time bout bhayya.....

and the waaaaaaaay he nods away that adoorably still looking at you and says that doesnt suit everybody and smthing else he mentions while leaving still looking at you as he keeps turning around and looking at you.....

a few days or weeks it was later when he used to go back to changing from his gym chaddis to jeans that day he wears that same shirt that you loooooooooooooooooooved him in but this time tucks it inside the jeans and comes out that way...... that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie to just see him come out of the mens room walking out that way and looking at you waiting for him like looking you in the eye with that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful wide smile on him one hand in the pocket it was that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie that one most beautiful wordless feeeeeling of having that one unwished for wish of yours coming true.......

walking out with him you tell him it was just smthing you wanted to share and he could keep it the way he wanted to and not because you wanted to see him in.... and the waaaaaay he just nods away saying he just wanted to !!!!!!!!!

it was his way of love for you..... that still unsaid love for you cause you still were friends then but that need to fulfill that wish of yours.......... it was that thing charlie of sharing something of yours with someone your own.....

and then to live that feeeling to see that feeeling in reality like him showing you in a way he was your own tooo now.....

that one happppppppppy beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful smile of his that gleam in his eyes as he looks you in the eye all through that walk those slow steps letting you live him the most through the walk......

some moments that feeeeeeeeel of being loved !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even when you didnt know it was love afterall !!!!!!!!!!

its like every corner of you of your life of your days your mornings your moments the secs and blinks of your life are filled with anything to everything Him and his love !!!!!!!!!!

all of this and more, even in his absence......

how do you even explain this to someone !!!!!!!!!

this life this Him that you are living, how do you what do you even call this as !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe not just love !!!!!!!!!

kabii aisaaaa miss karti nai uskuuuu tab lagtaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!

what if you were younger and all that he wanted tab ruk jaaataa thaaa !!!!!!!

like maybe its not just bout love in the end !!!!!!!!!

maybe it did matter after all......

like maybe if you were younger he would still have loved you wanted you in his life given you the kind of importance place for presence that the others were gifted by him.......

like you know given that place shown that place in their life..... be visible in life existential in life !!!!!!!!!!

this love naiiii you think you know it all seen it all and then one sudden ting and it comes down like you still knew nothing at all !!!!!!!!!!!

maybe its not all bout just love !!!!!!

like just that maybe is never enough !!!!!!!!!!!!

Livin the moments away !!

its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay some memories moments make you feel.......

be it feeeelin this n more that day or now as rewrite the feeeels from that date day......

when you are living moments someone like that in those moments or walkig out and looking at him one more time as you get down the stairs lil did you know........

this feeeeeeeeeeeeeling now even as you write and the more you write bout that momnet of seeing him one more time as you leave......

you dont really know nai bas !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like if you did lilst bhiii couldve wouldve runnnn back to him and hugged him one more time !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kittaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa sochoooooooooooooo nai ronaaaa nai waapis honaaa waiseeee nikaaal he aataaaa nai !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

be it the dreams be it the lilst of moments through the day on yoru way to work his places kbr park the chai khushi place the jack n jones turns like finding him in moments through the day with his music playing..... its like you breathe him live him through you........ feel him throuh you !!!!!!!1

to watching movies and smthing connects to this movie just mercy and his alabama track plays last nite its this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie like he is in your lilst of smthing to anything......

you feeeeeeeeeeeeeel him in lilst of things...... like not consicously but like he i sthere lilst of moments bhii......

to this conversaion yet again as she oils your hair and you live him in your mind whilst she does......and talks bout how watching you alone with time was worrying her more now......

asking you why dont you give it a try like give getting married a try.....

and you finally say it out loud....

ask her whats marriage like like the after of it.....

and the first thing she mentions is finding love feeling loved having someone to share your life with live your life with.....

 and you couldnt help but finally tell her its been him and will always be Him when it comes to love..... like you were done with love and loving with Him.....

like it was there because of him stayed with him and left with him......

second when it comes to sharing your life with you live him in your moments every single moment of your ech day......

and if its worrying her that much you will def get married but not a day more that you would be able to live with someone else...... leave alone sharing anything !!!!!!!

will that be okay ?

and you could feel her hand not touching your hair anymore and as you turn all she says is please try atleast...... and you nod and tell her a yes and again mention bout the same not a day more if its just for the thing bout signing that thing off her list might as well be just that.......

its that thing charlie when youve found lived loved someone for a lifetime it doesnt really matter if its from far too..... again smthing you did read on one of the pages you love !!!!!!!!

you let go the thought of wanting to have em in your life but you cant let go of the love itself.....

either you love or you just dont anymore.....

and love anything that comes with it including life itself felt more complete and meaningful with Him.....

he loved you wholefully when you were nothing..... when today after years you talk your moms brother and sarcastically mentions bout the guy in hyderabad that he spoke with your mom bout and then tells you now that you are successfull work wise itll be all the more easier.....

its that thing charlie you had nothing at all back then and yet you were the happiest in the world....... that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie everytime in and with his presence being out just living that feeeeeeeeeeel of being theluckiest in the world.....to just have his love for you to just be loved by him, just be His......

happiest in the world.....

and today years after a brand a studio a staff that you are paying on your own a car a house money almost everythng and yet this feeeeeeeeeeling like you lost what you loved the most in your life......

when your friend comments how you transformed your life like you must be really happy n proud of how you are now and all.......

its like all of this means nothing still...... when someone or even your mom feeling proud wonder talk bout how happy it must be making you...... it sure is a feeling that fills you with pride bout how far you did come with all the work you put in every single day but it all comes down to that one feeeeeeeeling charlie that one someone in your life that can change it all for you.......

like all of it on one side and that just that one someone for you on the otehr side.....

and nothing no one can ever even come close to what and how you feeeel...... THAT kind of happiness !!!!!!!!!!!

that fills your heart fills all of you with that sense of complete like that one beautiful sigh that you breathe of having that love of being loved of just being able to live that love live that one someone to life with.......

to share your life with share your highs more importantly your lows with......

like you know to just knowwwwwwwww you can !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its that much easier for someone having seen your life from out to think or expect it would be normal with anyody and just give it a try......

you live him even in his absence too...... live his love live Him every moment of your life !!!!!!!!!!

how do you just go by with smthing cause somebody else thinks that would b egood for you........

for the lilst of thing that scares the fuck out of you !!!!!!!!

how do you wake up to another smell and not feeel his smell anymore !!!!!!!!!

to say the least !!!!!!!

like these moments that you live him in and with ab whooo bhiii kaisaaa le leeete !!!!!!!!!!

isnt wanting you your life to be normal bout where you happiness lies and with who it stays with.....

isnt it bout what completes you what makes you happy what makes you want to life with !!!!!!!!

or just botu ticking that thing off the list ?!!!!!

Date - Rear view !!

some dates on the calendar !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you may live a thousand and more dreams almost evry week now with a dream almost every day now that you wake up with a bit more of Him......

but theres comes that one date on the calendar and that changes it all away AGAIN !!!!!!

years and yet smthings nai charlie you can never get used to !!!!!!!!

no matter how many times youve felt the same way bout smthing or some date, the very same or maybe feeeel more now with each year....

30-31st july.....

flashes of some dates with memories.....

like you struggle to get over the vibes of the dreams last few days like its growing stronger smthing bout the way it feels more stronger and different withe each passing day now.....

and then comes a date with that same or maybe feel more with year......

30 th when you llive that side of him that he used to be back then with you before the bup..... the childlike side of his..... that you get to live after years online.....

when he suddenly turns that one adooooooooooorable robo cop wearing his most loved black raybans late in the nite almost mornin hours.....

and stays that way reassuring you that he will def meet for sure the next day.... cause you were that unsure bout it !!!!!!!!

to the next day actually meeting him and living that Him from back then...... in his psychedelic t shirt from gym days.....

its this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling now charlie with years like every year this one feeeeeeeeling of if you only knew you wouldve held him for a bit longer lived him for a bit longer like kaiseee bhiii kareee ziddd karkeee bhiii wouldve stayed for a bit longer loved him for a bit longer if you onlyyyyyyyyyyyyy knew it would like this after !!!!

lil did you know that day LIL DID YOU KNOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this feeeeeeeeeeeeel to have held him hugged him chummied him touched him felt him lived him for a bit longer only if you knew...... this is what it would be like now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some dates you just cant like ignore let it be or just pass it by......

like they shake you up make you relive that saaaaaaaame feeel of that very specific date..... like flashes of him from that day him dancing away with you dropping you on the floor and then watchin you stay that way on the floor as you refuse to get up and then reaching out to hold you and repeating the same thing over n again...... the waaaaaaay he didnt want you to get up and just stay that wayyyy..... the waaaaaaaaaaaay he was living you in those moments those beauuuuuuuuuutifully slow moments......

like he was almost stretching the time the secs the mins away just so he could live you for longer.... like he already knew this is how it will be !!!!!!!!!!