Part of moving on ?!

reading your own state of mind reliving Him from the moments at His versova place and this feeeeeeeeeling now.....

when you read the other hims and the Him.....

like you know visually live the change that is happening now....

also why you dont like writing out the day now.....

cause its always been just Him meaning only Him in your writings.....

and now with another mention of him thats not Him....

is visually seeing the change thats happening now.....

guess a part of moving on ?!!!!!!!

this feeeeeeeeeling now as you see it and realize the change.......

it needs to come with a thing like you know this is how long youll have someone to love and then theyll be gone.... theyll move on.... so this is all you have kinda timeline smthing that you can make the most of the time.... or instead keep away from it in the first place just so you dont end up living the absence missing the presence like this !!!!!!!!

finding Him in somebody else !!!!!!!!!!!

Words !!

some words some moments and the way it sort of breaks that vibe in your mind....

like it draws that line of what and how you are living that complete moment complete experience as and makes you realize this is the real side of it.....

just bout to leave and in a mazaak way yash asks you if you would come along for a grocery date with him tomo as he was heading out to get a few things and if you needed smthing and that shwen it hits you as you look at yash and all that vibe feeeel of Him woosh boolke gayab....

and you tell him you had good stock for another few months kinda thing and just bout to leave and assk for your number again and you tell him it wasnt that necessary as you anyway meet for the walks....

that was when it got weird.....

come back home that need to just be for a bit......

that moment charlie when still on your mind with all Him when someone says that like it suddenly it woke you up in the waking state kinda feeeeling....

ajeeb hai charlie kaikuuu achaaa lag ra its like its Him like He is there for real like you know not when you are sleeping with eyees shut where you miss living these kind of real simple moments with Him like all ofthis its with Him walking beside you..... but that moment date number like that suddenly shook you up.... like what are you even doing !!!!!!!!!!!

all you know is its just making you happy even be it for a few mins its like suddenly you are livng moments with Him in your waking state and not just in your dreams....

its that messed up !!!!!!!

if this wasnt enough in the kitchen cooking some chowmean stuff at least tried to and your mom watching some hindi movie...... till some words and you just come close so you could hear it better without really coming out poora and literally making it that very obviosu to your mom why you wanted to hear it.....

the way it was bout wanting to love someone completely with everything they come with and not just a part of them.... a moment of them, but to love all of them every bit of them.....

that feeeeeeeeeeeeel of Him again.....

bas this is how He did in a way teach you to love by loving you the same way.....

and this is what and how you always wanted to love Him.....

not just for a day for a few moments for an evening or afternoon but every bit of Him to have Him all of Him and not just a part of Him.....

like it sort of defined what you are experiencing lately....

why you were liking loving these walks..... cause it was making you relive Him like this after years....

walks with Him random conversations to share evenings with Him was smthing you only did back then.... never again.....

and moments like these to share moments like these wth Him just stayed with you.... with that one hope till few months back, that too you dont have it anymore.....

like when you know the reality and then you find some way anyway to fill that up even with the absence you just live it just go with it.....

exactly what you are doing, cause its making you happy even be it for that hour cause in that hour in your mind you are with Him in your waking state....

to this one song that plays like you make sure to either stay in the kitchen or in your room cleaning the room that late too and wait for the movie to get over..... cause by the sound of the movie you knew it would only add trouble to your state of mind.....

and this one song starts to play and bas that feeeeeeeeeeeeeel again save that moment save that feeling of the day and take a selfie its the weirdest one with a almost teary face but the way you just wanted to hold that feeel of the day today....

some moments some words like sing to you like its just playing for you kinda thing smtimes....

like you know that beautifully adding meaning to what you are already feeling !!

it was a day filled with ironically beautiful moments today.....

like even with the distance with the absence with the reality to just live this experience of missing living Him.....

Sharing music...

this thing bout His music....

your playlist is like its just yours.....

dont share it with anybody else.....

like not even a single track be it your friend your mom asking what you are listening to like for a bit wanting to give it a listen you just cant..... like that bit its just yours.....

maybe cause its the only bit you have now, that you can call yours.....

today yash asks you what you were listening to like it was making him curious the way you would talk and yet have that one earplug plugging all through the walk.... like that habit of yours and having seen you often pehle se with the earpugs in.... and you just tell him you dont like sharing your music.... and ignoring it away he asks you if you are into edm music and recommends a few artists.... and that bit you ignore away....

music its always been Him.....

the start of music in your life was the start of Him in your life.... like with Him came music.... and how ever since that first track of fink did start your love with music.... not cause you liked the music but cause it was His music.....

ever since then music has been this soul with you in you that goes with you no matter where you are who you are with what you are doing, his music always with you.....

and then have someone else recommend some music and you dont even google the artist or give any of it a listen.....

music is Him.... its like with his absence your way of filling up for that was His music....

or any music that leaves you with that beauuuuuuuutiful vibe of His presence....

like any music that makes you feel anything of Him.....

it all is feeling this weird and yet beautiful charlie.....

like you donnooo what you are doing but it just makes you live Him.... its making you feel like you are living these moments walking these walks with Him having these conversations with Him like its Him talking to you walking beside with you.....

one of those rounds and some joke yash cracks and it cracks you up with to that sudden tear cause in that moment the low tone of voice was like you heard Him talking it was like the voice was His.... and you were laughing to suddenly realizing in a sec it wasnt Him.....

its messed up fcked up but still making you happy strangely weirdly making you look forward to those walks...... cause its making you live Him walking with you in the waking state.....

to that moment one round and you notice this club area part of your apartments had these new plants covered up around the window....

the sight of windows, His versova house.....

and that rush again the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay all of Him in that moment suddenly rushes runs through you !!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT one meet !!!!!!!!!!

when you thot now you finally had His love back in your life again......

A missing like this one...

loving him living him and then years of missing him....

lil did you know you would miss him this way too live him this way too in somebody else.... and love every bit of it knowing its all messed up !!!!!!!

today out for a walk again on a different time just so you could miss out on walking around with yash.... and there was walking and the sec he sees you the way he starts off in hindi just like Him in that same pairaa duk gayee kidhar the tum....

and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling the sec you hear you hear that tone that same tone of His.... and you tell him to stick with english pls and says sure madam and get back to the walk....

that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling you know you are being selfish weird crazy missing Him living Him this way and yet you cant help it now.....

just that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie.....

to not look at the persons face with that just that feeeeeeeeeeeeeel of Him beside you is doing it for you...... like you actually wait for that hour now....

from making you a part of every corner of His life every part of Him to not wanting to have you anywhere no where leave alone close but not even around Him was a life changing reality for you....

from that moment of Him blocking you away that very sec when you just see his story on insta to Him asking you not to mail him or anything to finally seeing Him moving on.....

to the one that changed it all completely for you like it never before did all these years.... that one realization you neveer mattered even in a time like this.....

to still missing him still missing his presence.... to still loving him.....

like bas hai tho hai how do you talk to your insides out ye bolke ke ki boss outside sab change ho gaya hai and you on the inside too will have to go with it....

kaise hote aisa charlie !!!!!!!!

like how does it even work !!!!!!

to finally living Him this way !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

never did you ever think imagine this toooooo could make you live Him this way !!!!!!!!!!

like you are listening to the conversations yash is having with you but in your mind that shadow beside you that person beside you is Him..... cause he wears threeforths same height almost.... and more so its because you never had anyone else beisde you but Him.... like that experience of sharing a walk sharing conversations laughing over em have been moments you just shared with Him....

and then to have soeone else with this state of mind that you are in its like its taking up that space and filling it up with Him....

like in your mind its your escape of missing living those moments with Him.....

uskuuu kaiseeeee kaiseeeeeeeeee miss kiya maine charlie ye aaj kal pata chalra....

like this was also smthing you missed bout Him.... this too was smthing you wanted to do live with Him..... this too was smthing you wanted Him to be with you as.....

like you somebody talking to you wanting to be with you wanting to walk with you share that moment share the evenings with you.... like you know that feeeeeling of you exist you do exist for real....

like after all this time you are visible.... you exist !!

Something in the air...!

quietness at nites is smthing that has become a norm now with the current situation....

but theres smthing that much special on some nites when you can just smell that in the air.....

donno what it is but its that peculiar scent in the air that feels different than the regular nites... not sure if its your mind or there is smthing like this that actually happens for real......

now as you sit in your place with his music playing lights off feet up with this beautiful chill in the air like theres smthing more than just the chill this different scent in the air....

the waaaay it just eases your mind away making it feel smthing more than just the usual beautiful vibe of the nites....

or maybe its this new experience that you are living that you never thot you would and yet did happen is happening....

pata hai charlie this thing bout knowing love knowing missing the one you love is never this fixed way you would ever think or accept that this is all you had to know bout love like you know done with knowing love knowing bout how to love someone.....

its a process that which with time sort of grows with you..... like the more experiences you live the more ways you discover bout loving someone missing someone.....

like this too could be a part of missing someone loving someone or living someone now...!

its strange nai when you read quotes sayings bout love like this is what is love.... that ending quote to the notion of what love is.... it never can be a fixed idea or standard way of loving !!

the waaaaaaaaays you end up loving someone even with their absence or the reality of the situation.....

WAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taken care of !!

ways of love, to care to be cared bout to be missed and all that it comes with....

to be cared bout no matter how strong you are is smthing we all unknowingly crave for.....

this is the first time when you suddenly realize you never mattered really....

and finally decide to change things in and bout your life.....

and with this come new experiences....

that one word watch your step and the next few rounds the way he kept saying be careful as there were lizards too....

it was nothing at all and was in a friendly way that too !!

but it was smthing you def werent used to for years now....

Him being the first and only one in your life that you shared such moments or experiences with.....

after him it has never been anybody....

this time being the first tme ever that you were allowing yourself to stay instead of running away....

with this you realize no matter how strong you are and know you can very well handle yourself sometimes you just need someone to care bout you to be there with you tell you so like it can make that big of a difference.... exactly what and how you felt that day being out for the groceries.....

to have someone to be there for you and with you.....

charlie whoo feeeeling bhi you lived with him.....

never having experienced that kind from your father he was there always filling up for all that you missed out on all your life....

it was with Him you did experience what and how beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful it was to be cared bout to be taken care of.... like it used to amaze you how that feeeeeling could feel that much beautiful and same as being loved can.....

to just be taken care of is BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!!!!!

to know you got someone who will take care of you no matter what is beautiful....

no matter how independent or self dependent you are in life, we all need want to be cared bout taken care of even be it for the silliest of stuff..... but that feeling of having someone is different !!

to think of it now it feels that much more strange and weird cause its been that long since you havent experienced it.....

Presence...

its only when you live or come across such situations do you realize the many ways that you could miss someone.... in the lilst of simplest of ways....

like even smthing as lil as that could mean the world to you !!

today when you decide to go out for the walk at a different time a lil later than the usual....

few rounds later yash comes over too.... today in three forths and t shirt.... the sight of the three forths and the waaaaaaaaay the mind again all Him.... only the t shirt wasnt like he used to wear it as with the end of the sleeves folded one fold.... which being with him back then you did get used to wearing it the same his way too.... like even now you always fold the sleeves one fold at the end for tees.....

conversations bout your work economy and the general stuff and that one sec when he says watch your step..... it was a puddle of water over a step that you missed seeing....

yash has a beard and tall too its that feeling that you realized today as walking by your side gives you that feeeeeeeeling of having Him walking next to you....

like there was that feeeeeling to that moment when yash says that it was that thing.... to be looked at taken care of even slightest bhi to that moment of reliving Him saying the same....

knowing your habit of tripping over the flattest of surfaces too.... that day at the mall when you trip over a few steps and he screams at you saying deke chalne nai hota terku zara sambhalna na karely.... and you couldnt get up with that pain over your ankle and he takes your leg and tries to put over his leg to check and you keep saying a no and pull it back cause you didnt like him doing in with people around like you know hold your ankle being on his knees with people looking at him.... and the waaaaaay he just looks into your eyes and tells you its us karely lemme see..... and tries to massage the ankle and then holding you takes you to the car.....

again screams at you adoooorably asking you to be careful and why couldnt you just be careful while you walk.... cause by then he had seen you a zillion times falling in every place surface possible.... and you just sit there smiling laughing at him scolding you.... him asking you what was making you laugh or smile everytime he gets mad at you and you tell him you loved him controlling you correcting you.... that very same second the waaaaaaaaaaay he fataaak see holds your arm away like he always used to.... and then asks you again like this you mean....

smthingssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELING NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings you dont wanna write and the waaaaaaaaaaaay you just cant just cant hold back from writing either.... its like this way of reliving that moment as you write like this way atleast to live that moment relive it for the moment.......

sooooooo yahhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

it was another one of those most loved things that you looooooooooooooved bout him.....

it used to give you that strange extreme level of khushi you still donno why.......

it did start with him holding your arms away as you try to release your hand...... with that to anything at all he would correct you for or get adooooorably mad at you you just looooooooooved it......

him controlling you asking you not to do smthing or correcting you it was a different love..... and loved evry bit of it it just used to make you that happy..... and that he could never understand why him getting mad at you used to make  you that happy smile away with him being still that mad at you !!!!

that moment today watch your step came with that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutiful echo of his voice.....

to those rounds of walk when you dont look up at yash not even for once its not smthing you avoid doing so but theres nothing like you want to or feel like its just blind conversations literally..... good ones but you not even for once do you look up and the waaaay all through the walk those flashes of how you could never take your eyes off him.... its nt bout comparing but apart from Him youve never had any conversation with a guy or long walks like these ever before..... its always been just him....

this prolly is the first tme ever....

its that feeeeeeeeling charlie to just have that presence by your side of a guy of a man walking with you cause in that blur image on your mind as you can just feel the presence and not see the face of the one walking beside you it makes you feel like its Him.....

chaddis beard tall just walking with you.....

its complicated and that very beautiful.....

it just feels nice to have someone share smthing with you like you want to talk to you want to hear you want to spend that  time with you want to have that conversation with you.... like you know share smthing with you....

and then there is that beauty that goes on your mind.....

that takes over everything else.....

cause in your mind it makes you realize today that apart from the obvious His smell, touch, hug, chummi everything else that comes along you just miss his presence this way too with you.... to just have Him walk with you by your side to have any conversation to feel His presence beside you with you like you know you look around and then loook to your side and He is there to just live that feeeeling like you miss that lilst of Him too to just have him by your side live his presence that way too.....

you miss that much ki it was just making you smile today.....

as it had just rained and teh wind was beautifully wild today.....

and to just feel that presence of Him instead.... when you realize you actually were liking this cause it in a way was filling up for his absence..... it was making you relive those walks with Him by your side cause you werent even looking at yash and were just living the presence beside.....

cause seeing the face would have meant breaking the illusion that your mind was living and loving......