This THIS thing!!!!!

 It’s miiiiiiind bending literalllly the way writing out things actually brings back things that you thought you didn’t even remember!!

You did have one even before him back then you didn’t know it was panic attack!!!!!

When on the phone that guy that you were supposed to marry starts to yell at you for something you don’t remember on your way to the gym like it was something bout not talking to anybody at the gym or something ur was!!!!

And you reach the gym u still were ok get changed and all and just bout to get on treadmill and you start to feeel breathe less and go towards a wall and start to cry like how it happens and the way he comes over standing that close to you with his face closest to yours and asks you to take deep breaths instead of crying out…….asks you to take a hold on yourself and focus on breathing and you look at him and him showing you how to breath in and out and you just stop crying looking in his eyes and the way he smiles and starts to talk bout this lucky ali track gori Teri aankheij and tells you that song is you right now……

The simplicity of him handling that situation of yours like that effortlessly being the Himmagic that he was just like that makes that disappear and then asks you to sit down on the floor and sits with you whilst the others still looking at you both sitting on the floor against the walls……and asks you what caused it who caused it and you couldn’t say a word just looking at him the waaaaaaay he was handling you…..never felt that before!!!!!

Not even you mom used to do that she would just hold you tighter hoping it goes away but that only used to make it worse with the chest congestion in that moment……the eaaaaay he lets you be and was with you in that moment makes it disappear that beauuuutifully!!!!!

And also was another thing of being simply being in awe of him completely he literally used to make you go awwwwwweeeeee inside everytime you saw him!!!!!

It didn’t change not even the slightest from that moment to this very moment of any story of his still makes you go that way!!!!!!!!!!

How much2!!!!

 Soooo yeah it’s been rough few weeks as post accident it only started to worse the trigger as they call it was that visual of blood and that much blood on her on floor and the idea of you being on your own to hold her and not being able to do that that very instance cause you were having that immediate panic attack shivering breathlessly and you couldn’t hold for those a min or two and the security much later comes over as you were bout to hold her and grabs her instead and takes along to the car……that one min of something left the guilt conscience in you and the same visual of her that way kept playing over n over again to any moment of visual in movie or just around was giving you those and sometimes don’t even know what hat the reason was it still was happening for quite sometime now…

And you didn’t want to write that side cause of the way it was making you feel…….it’s been over a month now there hasn’t been any finally!!!!!

Last one week with major changes in store moving the workshop temporary upstairs within the studio was a big change till you find the kind of commercial store space that you are looking for….

That in a way made the routine under go many other changes and the routine of your everyday took a back seat last week or two se…….

Then amidst all this was the mahashivratri another one of your most looooved days of him!!!!!

Like the oneness it brings along every year is beyond!!

To that same question almost every year and you also know why she asks you that!!

First thing in the morning are you going to fast this year too and this year she actually asked another one too for a change are you going to fast Chetan style of no water this year too!!

And your heart beat suddenly went zoooooop on highest pace possible and you hold all of yourself on the inside and just with a nod say a yes and get into your room to get ready for work……

That one hour of getting ready and the question kept playing on loop n your mind!!!!!

Along with the visuals moments of him of that day as you were getting ready to leave and even at work that one beauuuuutiful lostness was there was that hiiiiigh of him from that morning dream that day and then there ewsd this lostness too just reliving him from that day!!!!!

Something’s nai even right now as you write out and relive him again from that day!!!!!!!

How much!!!!!

 HOW MUCH of him do you live and find through your days or dreams and for years now is just beyond logics…

Be it that girl sitting in one corner in the parking lot and you are on your way towards the car and that one look at her she was a tiny one looking at her mom prolly behind working on the lawns in the apartment…..go to her ask her was she her mom and she nods and you ask her if she would like a chewing gum like bubble gum cause that’s all you had in terms of chocolate with you and she happily nods away with that instant spark in her eyes and you give her the pack and ask her not to swallow but just chew and she says telsu akka and just before turning back to the car you ask her what her name was and she happily smiles away saying it’s Chetana…

OFCOURSE it had to be like you literally say it out ofc no wonder the pull and stop and stare cause it wasn’t even in your way it was on the complete other side……and from the second you got back in the car it takes a u turn and on to the lane to the main gate the girl was still looking at you with that very very happy smile on her and you wave her back..

To that moment when in a traffic jam a kid in the next car looks through wearing that same red n navy striped collar shirt of his rubs his nose over the window and you do the same starts to draw something and waits for you to the same but your love for windows and making sure it’s swquaky clean there was no chance for you to draw the same and instead waves at you and wave back….

To that very next a intern interview for the store and her name too Chetana and you even before giving her a go wondering how am I going to go on saying her name and not smile not feeeeel the way his name does make you feel on the inside…

To that moment when at a cafe Prateek Kuhad track plays and some guy walks past by and all you had your eyes on was the white shoes on the guy and trippin back to the gym days watching living loving adooooooring him walking around in them how it was like your heart walking around in the gym right there!!!!

To the therapist appoint last one and she asks you to close your eyes and asks you what’s that one thing you want the most right now need the most right now!!!!!

It was just him and all him that you could see and still couldn’t utter a single word cause you didn’t want to continue another round up on this topic too……and you just smile and open your eyes and the way she comments how that one question made you smile the happiest smile she has ever seen on you and immediately asks you who is he!!!!!

Yessss this is also one topic you didn’t want to write out but now that’s it over you had to go see a therapist post moms accident……

Cause that also made you realise the choking the breathlessness that you were having frequently post accident was also something you used to back then as a kid post incident and now years after it did happen again post moms accident and it’s called as panic attacks!!!!

Which till then you weren’t aware of!!!!!

Like it used to happen sometimes when your dad used to scream or anybody talking louder used to give you that sense of choking that you couldn’t speak for the time being…..

And that somehow disappeared after his entry into your life!!!!!

It was that air of something beyond magic tat we walked through your life with and the waaaalk the more you write out the less it always will be…!

That walk of his ayyyyaaaaaaaaa a zillion kids of the world on one side and that one him on the other and he will always be the most adoooooooooooooooorable being ever to be made I say!!!!!!!!

Even writing it now reliving him ayyyaaaaaaaaa he absolutely was your complete heart I swear!!!!!!

Sound of music…!

 One sound all it takes is that one sound and the waaaaaaay it all rushes through you from a lil tipsy high on a new drink style new gypsy soul tee like finalllllly finding things to do with him lil here lil bit of him there that you loove…

Like martini and now you are hooked to the waaaay it justttt bout gives you that high and also keeps you in almost your senses to not sleep off soon as you are drunk!!

It was this high lil slightest almost happy high just reliving him from the other morning dream to this dream when he shows you how to wear a seat belt and all you were focused on was his hands his palm his forearm just that was in focus rest the belt how to wear instructions by him weee outf of focus……to that moment when he shows you finger and in a way makes you look up back at him and him raising his eyebrows asking again you zoned out and trippin on him kinda look with that one smiiiiiiiile of his!!!!!

Am telling you charlie there are smiles of the world and there is smile on him versions of his smile and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa the waaaaaaays it used to make your heart feel the way it used to make all of you on the inside outside feel was veyooooond!!!!!!

The way it feels like a lifetime almost having seen it last for real!!!!!

Sooooo yaaaaaaah from that mood to the way it drops over to that one meet where he sleeps on your lap and says it that night…….

Something’s even as you write now this feeeeeeeel!!!!!

For this one for now the gypsy soul tee that made you happy almost happy high moments back not the current mood tho now!!!!!

Days!!!!!!

 It’s the mahashivratri!!!!!

Days on the calendar!!!!!

The memories moments of him it brings along and again something can never get used to!!

Another year…

This year however it’s supposed to be just fasting his style no water living him in moments through the day breaking the fast his style fruit custard and no salt after too but thewaaaaaay this morning just started…….

All of night last night the waaaaaaaaay he came ayyyyaaaaaAaaa how can you have this state of you on a divine day as this one…….mind you turned on on a day like this!!!!!!

Cause the waaaaaaaaaaaaay you’ve lived smelled felt touched him in frames literally like it was so intense that THAT close to him like you could feeeel the texture of his soft white shirt his black denim against your feet like you could literally feeeeeeeeeel every bit of him in that zooooomed up mode in your mind…

It’s like your were living him touching him feeeeeling him in 3D mode literally cause it was that intense…….

Beauuuuuutifully intense the waaaaaaaaay he was making you feeeeel making you hold him wanting you to hold him do things it was all that close that zoooomedup like literally felt him closest CLOSEST ever!!!!!!!!

To waking up still that high on him mind all of you inside outside this one Himmode it’s set tuned on…

You were supposed to keep your mind on Bhakti mode today but the waaaaaay it switched on to your fav channel ever Himtv I say and HOW!!!!!!!!!

Like mind keeps playing him on loooop from last night that waking up every single time from a dream like that one is the most difficult…the body refuses that feeeel of being just on your own without that sense of him his body closer!!

Something’s I swear!!!!!!!

A himcoming like this one too of all days, today…!

Visuals!!!!!

 Been a rough few days lately but not right now for that!!!!

This beauuuuuty of some visuals watching the creator now and this one visual reverse visual and that exact same viiiiibe of watching him sleep over your lap or just watching him sleep in his room and you looking down upon him…and that THAT feeeeeeeeeeel it used to always fill you up with!!!!!

How much more can you possibly love a face and to what extent and for how long!!

It’s his details his facial details and the wssaaaaaays you loved have had lived loved each one of them!!

And how you loooooooooved living him sleep watch every detail of his his lips his forehead his cheeks his chin with that lil under the lip goatee of his back then…

This feeeeeeel right now just living this one visual this one constant wish lately waking up sleeping to and with!!

To live him again to love him again and only more and lot more deeply passionately this time, literally to just life with him in any to every way possible…!

Highddd to lowed!!!!!!!!

 When he comes the waaaaaaaaay he came today that strong neeeed wanting all of him away that very moment soon as you realise he wasn’t there after the waking up, to that one rush post to getting in the workout and that feeeeeeeeel today with every move every beat moments with him twerking waaaay back then when it wasn’t even a thing……

In his room doing something or you were watching something he had on his laptop and he gets off checking for some r shirt for you from his wardrobe and he bends down and gets off and watches you check him out from his mirror over the door of the wardrobe and that one adooooooooooorabke childlike smileeeee on him……as he turns raising his eyebrow asking whatsup and you tell him how much you envy his ass in comparison to your big one……and the way he starts to twerk moving and tells you that he loves yours instead and asks if you wanted to switch or something…..

Everytime some track to do with the butt brings this memory along strangely not sure if it’s the track or if it’s his ass that you loooooved the most!!!!!

There’s these lilst things bout him features bout him versions of him that you were loving living adooooooooooring each one away and the more you lived the more you looooooooved and HOW!!!!!!

Today that second you wake up still breathing high and don’t find him that moennt from the track you relive this memory be it yesterday for the haircut like always the waaaaaaaay he is always there and today was heights when you felt him the strongest in some move and it even makes you lose balance and almost trip…

It’s that feeeeeeeeeeel of startinf it all highhhhhhhhhh and that low it hits afyer cause this missing lately is driving you absolutely mad!!!!!!!!

It’s this BIG HUUUUUUYGE missing to see him touch him smell him taste him hold him live him adooooooore him love him like it’s toooo many wants and needs that your mind keeps reliving over n over again……

Even now as you write out what and how it felt today this lowwwwwwwww it’s landed you in nahiiiiiiii horaaaa charlie!!!!!!!!!

It’s soooooo tooooooo much missing aaj tho!!!!!!

Waaaay just tooooo much!!!!!!!!!

Like it even shows in post workout pics Himhighddddddddd to lowwww!!!!!