Golden white hour!

 White birds and white marsallowwww skies......

Nites like these

To the sound of music

Just like that

 How truly lucky and just like that!!!!!!!

Living senses!

 The very senses that make you feel alive....

Sight feel touch smell taste things not sure what it feels like now.....

Visuals to visually live such moments and then relive him in those very smallest of moments makes you wonder if it all was all real or just that one long dream that you were dreaming alone....

It's this feeling Charlie cause it's been that long very very long that you sort of forget bout how and what it feels like to be loved to be able to live that love live that feeling to feel that feeling.....

One smthing and it all suddenly comes back to you!

To love, to be loved...!

Lucky!

 Just finish watching this beautiful all mush ofna movie after really long cause you make sure to stay away from such films.....

Today watching those smallest of moments to the most beautiful ones and that feel with every single one of em as if though you were literally seeing him living him in each one of them....

There are things you can avoid and then there are things that you just can't ignore..

Living him in each one of those moments was all n more than just that...

In your place to find that momentary peace with the weather turning this beautiful.....that one thought tho that keeps ringing through your mind......

How truly lucky did she really get, without hoping waiting or wishing for it.....

To be able to live him love him and be loved by Him...

How truly lucky and just like that!

When you just want to get back to work cause this mind I say!!!!!!!!!

Some feeels you forget bout how and what it's like to smthing as lil as to look em in the eye to live that feeling to live someone's presence for real which now with time almost feels this unreal.....like you actually ever did???!

To live to feel to just love the presence as you live for real in the waking state!!

Echoes!

 Echoes of a time......  That sheer beauty of some purest of moemnts isnt that strangely beauuuutiful charlie.....  Like you may not want to feel anything else but the way suddenly just the word of it being mother's day and all those moemnts of reassurance rush through you....  Some promises you make you just can't break for anything what come may.....it's that sheer pureness of some moments that vurnerable where you'd only seen him be protective caring adorable beauuuutiful loving but those first times when he was finally opening upto you bout his state of mind then what he was going through and how much he missed being taken care of as a kid to be nurtured to just be held to feel safe or just being taken care like someone's there for him like he was there for everybody else then.....

To live that side of him to see him cry feel his weakest to just see him that way made every bit inside of you make that promise in all those moemnts to love him be there for him no matter what....like it was only after those moemnts with him did you really start taking care of him as his mom would to check on him to make sure he was okay to make him feel exactly how he eanted to.......

To just strictly hold him in those moments like his mom would and not like his gf.....to just be there for him no matter what!!!!!

It did become your priority like smthing just came along in your life and changed you completely.....

His voice in those moments like you could feel his pain his insecurity in that sound.....just the way he would want to hear it over n over again I'm here I'll always be there with you I'll always love you...

Just hold me like this be with me like this love me this karely!!!!!!

This was the longest you felt thus way for the first time it did change you this time.....but today that need to hold him closer in your way just for the day you just had to...

To realise where you belong and to know why you are being pushed away smtimes takes longer that you'd want to but when you finally do it's a very different strange feel to live with to come to terms with...

But this time did happen kya hua nai maloom charlie not a tear after that first noticing of the block....like after that you don't feel a thing anymore.....

Ekdum se it's gone!!!!!!

Just that sound of his from then since morning today like yoy could hear him that close to your ear.....that close!!!!!

And couldnt help it today!!!!!

don't feel a thing!

 all these years of silence blocks and the pushing away.....all those times when you wanted to just go n see him and couldn't cause of financial reasons back then all of that distance evruthung all this while never really broke you this bad.....

This time this block this time did break smthing the worst way possible like it just broke you in the worst possible way for the first time .....like after that now you don't feel a thing nothing at all.....

Stop being in your place been over 15 days now cause being here now after all these days today the first time is why you know you didn't want to be here.....it did become the Him corner of your house...

This feeeel some places can make you feel the vibe of some place I say!!!!!

Deleted him off and stayed tht way for the first time this long in all these years.....cause you know now!!!!!

It's only today being a mother's day and all those flashes of him as your kid back then the moments and thar need to add him back just for the day today....

Is when you realise what it was all bout actually.....having him on WhatsApp was in a very weirdly strange way of that feeling of holding him closer to you cause that was only way you could.....in your mind it was that feel of having him closer all these years where you just couldn't have him off ur whatsapp for no longer than a day or two....some dream some momenr some sound made you wanna have him back cause that was your way of holding him closer to you.....

This time after that feel of the break in you after that realisation you don't belong there.....you let it free that feeling of holding him closer set it free....and just let him be, living his life having people he wants to be with instead of being the one there where you don't beling anymore.....

Just today that feel of the whole mommy thing that need to hold him closer today was there.....like after that you finally slept for a bit cause all these days you just couldn't.....

It's these thungs that you don't wanna write now cause you don't like this you this you feeling all this cause it's like reading exactly what and how you feel on the inside...... 

But today that need to just write the you out in the Him corner....

Feela good here the calm today with no sound nothing just the music the breeze in the air the mind at ease...

It's like the only bond you share now to think of him this way...

Strange nai charlie after all these years ekdum se smthing just breaks you that bad that you finally don't feel a thing anymore...

It's a strange feeling first time !!!!!!!!

stay with me!!!!!

 some days on the calendar hit you with a sound that's what words sounds music does to you....

A day a place a time and suddenly out of nowhere a sound a beat something said something shared a moment anything just hits you in the most beautiful of ways....like it just enables you to experience that shift that sudden shift movement like you just felt smthing without even feeling a thing...

Mother's day every year this does to you!

Every simgle one!

Not sure if you'll ever experience it for real ever again but one thing for sure you did live it once in your lifetime atleast in the most beautiful of ways - Him!!!!!

His words his hugs in those very moment asking you over n over again reassuring himself in those moments that he has you now....you've got me right karely you are my mommy from now on you'll stay with me right no matter what I do or say you'll never leave me right holding you closer reassuring himself and also letting you live that most beautiful feeling ever for the first time how and what it is to hold live that feeling of being responsible for a kid for an infant what it is to nurture another being like you know love in the most beautifully different way......to nurture to care to protect to love him as your kid to nurture him to adore him as your baby and not as your love in those moments....to hold him as his mommy and not as a gf then...

That experience that beautiful echo of his words asking you to be there for him no matter what asking you to promise him that you'll never leave him still laying over your lap holding your hand away with the tightest grip possible or just hugging you away and telling you you are my mommy from here on.....

In those miemnts that feeeeel of loving him that way to just live that feel of being a mother it was different even writing it now reliving those moments still feels this weirdly beautiful n different!!!!!!