when you just know it...

once you know it like this is it for you...

you can never really undo that feeling !!

no matter what you do what happens like that one strong feeling inside of you - this is it remains unchangeable and irreplaceable...

ever since that moment def must have given wrong signal with that smile while seeing that pic of yours that the guy tries to have a talk the next day and the next day after that actually ends up talking to your mom with a hi and where to find the cable guy kinda lame stuff.....

i mean who aaj kal ke time pe asks somebody else for a cable internet kinda help....

like how lame do you really need to be....

knowing your mom she was more than willing to offer the help she had no idea bout !!

calls you out bout how the guy was into mens line and it would be great as a collab too and stuff.....

always walking away both from the conversation the need to reply and that visual of her being happily talking to the guy like that one visual again......

it used to make you happy seeing him talk to her bout you.....

telling her things bout you that annoyed him and how did that that day how you cant even walk straight without trippin over and stuff bout you.....

just to live that feeeeeeeeeeeeling of him talking bout you like you know knowing you way more than your mom did to the person who thought she knew you the most.......

was a beauuuuty beyond BEYOND words....

knowing your mom and her ways of noticing someone speciallya guy trying to talk to you indirectly and then telling you how nice the guy was i mean two three meets the guy becomes nice ??!!!!!!!!

like that sniff of it all heading somewhere familiar was smthing that was only growing by the day....

to this one day when the guy talks bout giving away a few massive mirros as the place upstairs was smaller and wouldnt fit them and your mom without asking you agrees for it.....

and before you know you get a call from the guy on your fone is when you realize your mom shared the number and was asking when to leave the mirros and some business proposal that the guy had on mind......

guy comes over with the mirrors firstly you pay for it and then have that straight talk with your mom....

tell her what and how you exactly felt in all those moments....

when you couldnt take that visual of her talking to the guy and then calling you over how you need to talk more and stuff like that liek you couldnt see that space being shared to live that visual of living someone else and her calling you over to talk with the guy looking at you and smiling......

who hoteee nai ek casual moments aur ek hotaaa whoo set up wala moment like it screams with set up written all over it.....

the way she still looks at you weird that confused look and you tell her again imagine when you cant see it all that way even with her being that way nice to some guy wanting you to talk too......

it was getting weirder at work like almost everyday where she started to come often now like it all got that weirder....

she maybe right in her way but its that thing charlie its not bout to get it sorted to live it sorted way like you know complete a task sort of thing.... when she keeps saying who is going to look after you as she is not growing any younger kinda usual blackmail stuff her wishes her dreams as a mom and you just sit there with that yeah right i never had any wishes or dreams right !!!!!

like where is the what you want what you wish how and what you see it as what you wanted to see it as live it as.....

but the most beautiful madness being living him in these most ironically hilarious moments too.....

like you see him in some situation and walk back with that smile and lil converstaion running inside of you......

 the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays you still live in the most ironic situation and how it still leaves you with a smile cause you just saw him lived him there in that very moment...

Taara...

this mommy cat at the studio place who is now Taara, again named for the obvs reason.....

its a stray one and youve been noticing it since day 1 and only recently did see the babies of the mommy cat and one of them was hurting for some reason and the way the mommy cat sort of pushed the kitten from the main road sort of place to a much closer spot with some sort of fence on one side and then lay close to  the kitten and the way the kitten moves closer to the mommy cat and almost with her head over the mommy cat kept making those baby sounds having that comforting chat with the mommy cat.....

just watching them over few mins and that feeling as you watch the mommy cat keeps licking the baby showering the much needed love n attention as the baby was hurting for some reason....

this is the time where you named the mommy cat Taara for the obvs reason of his song for you...... tumhe se baba tumhe se bachpan...... 

head out bring over some milk and try to place it closest to the mommy and the way first thing mommy does is try to move her head over the baby waking up the baby and the sec it was up pushing the baby closer to the container with milk lets the baby sip it away first and then has the rest.....

ever since then the sec you reach the studio and getting off the car the way the mommy starts talking to you with her constant meows some you return back and the way she actually comes closer everytime you reply her with a meow mostly in the same tones as her meow sounds....

like you know versions of meows you know when she wants the milk kinda meow or when she is just talking to you kinda meow or when she is calling her baby kinda meow to join her for the milk....

like she is the first thing that you see now soon as you reach the studio like she actually walks with you from the gate to the door and then stays there knowing you will be out any min with her food.....

and this one day you actually adding the milk in her box and you realize there was someone else sitting beside you on the stairs as you turn around....

some guy clicking your pic and then tells you immediately not to get offended but  the moment of noticing a cat actually talking to the person feeding her amused the guy as they dont tend to connect or be affectionate as the dogs when it comes to matters of feeding them....

and you just ask the guy for the pic cutting the topic away and shows it over the guys fone it was your side profile with most of it being just your hair and the cat in the picture.... the guy apologizes for the same saying couldnt help it and all and asks you if you wanted the guy to send you the pic as it was a beautiful one or to just hit delete and you ask for the fone and delete it yourself instead.....

get off and bout to walk away after deleting the pic introduces as manas who has moved into the same one and had a mens wear line of his own and asks you about the stuff you do and all and you just walk away from there.....

that one moment of being clicked by some other guy after years for the first time and then seeing your pic over someone elses fone was beautiful and that weird.....

it was a beautiful shot but that feeeeeeeeeeeeeling the sec you see it it makes you smile cause in that moment you were seeing yourself back then on his fone living that moment of him taking your pic for the first time with gulmohars in hand..... could barely see any of you and yet to just live that moment of him taking your picture made you the happiest....

it was when you dint even know it was love....

there was that sense of khushi though you cuoldnt even see any of you like your face not even a bit and yet there was that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful sense of khushi rushing through you that made you feel like the most beautiful one on the planet i say..... with just hands in the pic too !!

that moment when you realize it wasnt him sitting next to you it wasnt him clicking your picture it wasnt him sharing a moment of you with you it just felt all that weird......

some moments nai sort of make you re realize how even for the simplest of moments it couldnt be anybody else for you.....

even the after feels of that moment lived and you were all the more lost back in that moment those moments with him.....

like from the very start and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it all just rushed through you.....

right from the very start.....

Felt different......

ever since that one moment of living that one visual of having seen him walking hand in hand in the dream the way it just left you with this weird state of mind that you just cant deal with......

like no matter what you do where you go this weird feeling inside !!!!!!!!

like you just cant get over or change it, anyway no matter what you do !!!!!!

and this one term that you come across few days back that you dint know did even exist in some blog...

ghosting !!

like there is actually a behavioral thing like this that exists....

like there is a term for it !!

when someone just leaves without a word for no reason and cuts away all and every source of communication out of nowhere !!

and this happens when the person is not into you - is what it means and said !!

who hotaaa nai charlie kuch dekhe thoo padhe thoo that one loud tangggggggggg that rings - bas that moment same to same as you discover "the" term......

and you suddenly realize hasnt it been this way ever since bup, only  this time he did make it that clear in words like it sort of reasoned out all this while of his disappearance like THIS is why he never was in touch or could be with you again kinda thing......

felt way worse than the term weird or worse !!

like all of this all this while sort of lost its meaning only......

suddenly like all that you felt lived dreamt felt like one big dream like all of him back then too living that love of his feeling those moments living him felt like one big most beautiful dream of your life.....

like it dint happen for real wali feeling.....

and this beauty of a Him that only exists in your mind and not actually for real....

as crazy as this sounds right now whilst writing your state of mind then out.....

exactly what and how you felt !!!!!!!

this is when you relate the same exact phases of his disappearance from your life like out of nowhere you wake up and there is a block right after you had a nite long skype or anythign at all like you know the kind of disappearance that you werent least prepared for.....

that it alwasy used to make you re read yoru words a thousand and one times over just to check what it is that you said or did was wrong that couldve lead to the sudden block out of nowhere.....

could never really make sense and always left you with a zillion questions and self doubts....

that day when you read all bout it its that sudden thing call it fate or whatever you are living a dream now....

He was there in that dream back then and continues to do so like few mins back he was.....

madness i know but the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he feels that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully real in moments like these is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond logics !!!!!!

way beyonder i say !!!!!!!!!!! 

THE presence...

sometimes mostly in this case its always been like this whether be it for real or like this one in the dreams...

the presence that beautifully overwhelming that you sort of need that time space to just be and soak it all in jsut so you could get a hold back on yourself and on and over your senses.....

now since that moment that whisper that touch and the waaaaaaaaaay it shakes and wakes you up and you are wide awake.... THIS awake !!!!!!

sit here to write nd just cant get one word out bhi......

smthings you just donnooooooooooooooooooooo can never get used to !!!!!!

NEVER !!!!!!!!!!!!

never prepared !

some realities nai of life you can never really prepare yourself for, no matter how long it has been....

wasnt smthing that he dint tell you clear enough not smthing that you dint know of !

and yet this ajeeeb sa fear like you sure never were that scared of some visual some vision dream that youve had....

cause its always been bout his presence with you for you and this one completely different to anything that youve ever had....

no wonder this dislike stronger than dislike for sundays now....

never been the same ever since......

was smthing you looked forward for and ever since you would rather sleep it through like you know wake me up when the days done kinda thing !!

again you would rather keep a shut eye to smthing that hurts than allowing it to hurt !

smthings i tell you bout love.....

you can never really be prepared for like this too can happen like this too comes along with loving someone !!

nobody tells you that gets you prepared for that !!

you just gotta learn as you love and so it goes...........!

definitely dint know this too was love, could be a part of loving someone !!

Visuals realities !!

pata nai charlie this ajeeb si feeeeeeeeling in the stomach knotted weird feeling like it just dosnt feel right.....

you shouldnt feel this way !!!!!!!

malooom !!!!!!

but donno why.... like you have no control over it......

first things first the sec you wake up that need to head out for a lil walk.... out n realize it was way too cold tonite rush back in again and just be in your place for a bit...... get on whatsapp block him again.....

this time cause that vision scared you literally like have never been recently only years back in your bachpan it was.... this time this fear was different but equally worse....

imagine just cause he was concerned bout you he was making sure to tell you clear where you stand or dont stand in his life that clear.... now if he realizes how much he still means to you n all he would obvsly make it all the more clear the next time if he had to.....

and maybe in your head you still are not ready for that kinda reality to get hit by !!

that one visual was smthing the way it just left you with that much fear or smthing it sure was.....

ike you can still feel that shiver of the visual through you that you struggle to write now....

and knowing him knowing his concern for you he def would make it all that much more next time if he had to......

and now you are too scared to live anymore of it !!

strange nai....

jsut yesterday that happy for some memory that comes along with his sound and again a sunday that ruins it all away and HOW !!!!!!!!

some damage this sure was......

Better off !!

some realities you are just better off!

this one being one of those !!

it was a sunday like that one and now months later it was a sunday like this one.....

just this connected in sync almost......

like part one was that and part 2 happened today....

watching some christmas movie you pass out half way through.....

and these sounds wasnt his music cause it wasnt playing neither was it the movie cause you could hear the dialogues of thefilm still running it was different...

it was footsteps and that need to smell his presence nd that same beauty you could smell all him around and that need to see him but againmaking sure you dont move too much and you slowly open your eyes to look for him to just see him and these two almost shadow like figures walking towards another direction holding hands.....

try to open your eyes poora to see cause you could still smell him and look closer and it was him i guess cause it definitely was his smell him walking with someone.....

the way that one visual shakes you up in the worst way possible it was weird smthing you couldnt handle be it that moment there or even after waking up.....

like the way it shakes you up and you wake up.....

it just almost chokes you up like you wake up looking for water to drink tabi k tabi.....

knowing he was your best friend you sholdnt have felt it that way also cause he did say the same to you in that last chat......

you shouldnt have if he was just your best friend.....

that beautifully ironical it was he was your only love too !!