Beyond the this and the that !!

there is this lil world that lies waaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond breathes waaaaaaaaaaayyyy beyond the this and the thats of the ordinary world living breathing around you...

its this lil world inside of you thats all Him...

its the world you come home to every day.......

wait for it and it happens everyday that you come home to !!

like before actually walking into that lil world of yours there is this weird empty hollow pain like feel that you feel inside your stomach..... so much so it aches, real bad !!

but all this is until you actually finally manage to get some shut eye....

like always never really know when you fall asleep but its that world that you finally land in.... knowing just knowing this is where youll find him, again !!

like always, every nite, almost, pretty much every nite !!

its here that you find him its here that he stays wants you to stay misses you kisses you holds you talks to you in words you dont really remember most of the times, but like the place you always come home to and waiiiiiiit for it to land you in.....

just so you could be with him, this time for as long as YOU wish to !!!!!!!!

like its completely upto you again smthing completely different and exactly opposite to the reality of it..... like its all upto you for as long as you can hold yourself and not make any of those sudden movements no matter how deliciously delicious he looks or no matter how close you feel his presence his touch his voice his daaaaadi no matter what to just hold yoruself away from making those sudden movements that again make him disappear.....

this one lil world that you come home to, waaaaaaaaaay beyond the this and the thats.....

says who, you gotta live a life just like how everybody thinks to be lived like.....

this him that you have now that you come home to pretty much completes makes up fro the hollowness that runs through the day, the only bad it dosnt really stay after the waking up...

thats when these lilst of moments that your day is filled with, sort of in a way makes up for it !!

beautiful, very, if you think of it now...

a place where he is still, just as he was..... or maybe loves you more now wants you to stay makes you wanna stay holds you to stay talks to you to stay !!

That one presence...

even be it with just the sound, is when you know how much and how lil too of his presence means to you !!!!!

in the middle of nowhere at work today that late and yet that very sec that feeeeeeeeeeel of his presence the sec you hear the track......

like you almost felt his touch like that same almost same well, beauty of his presence....

what who how it was for, donno all that you know and wanna stick with is how and what it still is making you feel like now listening to it on loop ever since.....

dated with the most loved year date of your life - 2009...

prolly the second song in the recent likes of his that moved you LIKE THIS !!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooo yeah !!!!!!!!!!!!!

to his other like on the channel being one for the international film festival his film being selected for yet annother word......

finally this one where you could hit a like and finallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly save it up with you on your channel.....

again one of those mad wishes to just hit a like over his film trailer cause some things you just cant fight or get over.....

having had that one wish more than him for himself of his directed written film and now finally as he did you couldnt be a part of anyway......

whooo hotaaa nai charlie that one wish you wish for the strongest and when it finally does come true after the longest wait ever and you find yourself being waaaaaaay far off from living the dream coming true..... and finally today thsi strange lil happiness to just be able to hit a like bhi.....

weird lil heart say the kinda things it can find the khushi in......

is beyond words !

again happens with almost anything to everything to do with him...

finding happiness in the lilst n strangest of ways i say !! 

some sounds...!

isnt it beautiful how some sounds sort of can consume you in the most beautifully painful way !!

if that even makes sense.....

not sure what or how it was or to even call it the most beautiful coincidence...

but to you in that moment it meant the world.....

not a love song not anything or not sure what it even was bout.....

but in that moment it just felt like he was there with you in that very moment with you.....

like just there !!!!!!!!!!

its been bad not like you are unhappy or smthing as you are too caught up with setting up the studio hell lotta work still to be done and yet there was that weird feeeeeeel in your gut that you culd feel that strong.....

just that need.....

just to be cared for and bout !!

donno why or how you felt that way for the first time and right then this beauty happens of his music...

and it suddenly soothes all of you away and HOW !!!!!!!!!!

like the inside of you that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully calm it was hurting in the most beautiful way.....

with just a tear but strangely that one beautiful calm it overfilled you up with.....

like there and then just that beuatifully touched by him...

looking up at these flock of birds and this one bird not sure if it was the same one or not but the way this one bird was flying different than the rest....

like the others flying cause they are meant to like their purpose to fly.....

but this one bird just like Him...... the most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful human bird.....

this one bird today flaps the wings and then takes that one beauuuuuuuuuutiful sway across the sky in one wave like pattern like without moving or flapping the wings just that one beauuuuutiful sway wave like across the sky.....

like you living the flight it was on....

and then after that wave, flaps the wings once or twice and then again takes that one bigger wave like sway across the sky......

like you could almost feel it live enjoy that flight to the most.....

different than the rest......

just like him like no other in the world.....

and that need to hear him tabhi k tabhi and the sec you get on his other page this one beauty of his sound.......

like after his dreams that restlessness of not being able to make sense of it and yet cant help but go with it.... just cause thats how strong his presence in the dream made you feel !!

to this day today when last few days that badly wanting to be cared bout and this song happens today......

smtimes you just donnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo what or how but is the way it is...!

First time ever...

this prolly was smthing  you felt for the very first time in your life.....

this feeling was new for the first time that you felt ever !!!!!

and was the strongest !!!!!!!!!

last 2-3 days this weird first time feel of just being cared bout cared for....

maybe that familiar feeling that he went through back then...

when you weirdly were that tired of being taking care of things and not being cared bout.....

like there was that strong need to be cared for cared bout.....

like to just be cared bout, not sure where and how did it come from....

but like been feeling this very strongly last 2-3 days....

maybe it was his dream that made you miss him that bad and then to relive that feeeeeeeeeel of being loved !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just being loved by him !!!!!!!!!!!

like maybe that was the start or wheer it came from...

but the last few dasy were that bad...

busy in a good way with the setting up of the place and all but this one strange never felt kinda feeling that was only growing with each passing day..... dint feel right weirdly hurting and yet not hurting kinda feel.....

to just be cared bout !!!!!!!!!!

exact feel exact same word that kept ringing through you last 2-3 days....

and today waiting at the dye wala cause the masterji couldnt pick up stuff and you wait for it to be done sitting on the terrace kinda thing and these birds with their beautiful flight again making you relive him as they sway across the sky......

and that need to just hear him and you head over to his other channel to play his chill list and these few new likes....

again cause that one you rarely see unlike his other khufiya channel that you almost see many times through the day too.....

and this one track THAT ONE BEAUTY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and the only word statement feel to describe what and how it made you feel - most beautiful form of pain...

His sound of music i swear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never get used to !!

it wasnt bout looking at someone cause the guy looked like him, it was bout living him in the present in someone...

like that slightest closest trace of him in someone made you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of living him for real in the waking state most importantly.....

like you know when you are not dreaming him again and are actually awake and you see him in that same grey arri t shirt kinda moment it was....

and you run away from it cause you dint want your mom to think it was cause you were lookin at some random guy and sharing that smile or moment.....

like you know ready to move on kinda vibes....

cause you alone know what and how MUCH that moment those few mins mean to you !!!!!!!

like you know living him for real after years !!!!!!!!

thats exactly how fcked and lost a mind been waaaaaaay tooooo high on miseeeing could possibly get !!!!!!!!11

like it makes you zone out in the most beauuuuutiful possible way ever !!!!!!!!!

and that realization today of his place in your life again where you still dint feel that sense of happiness like the way that moment left you with.....

cause there was Him in that moment.....

and these words today this pure beauty of words striking at the right time on one of your most followed pages by iron j.....

she is not the kind of woman you get used to, she is the kind you wake up everyday to and thank god each and every day for it...

everytime you come across smthing this beautiful like this on that page theer eis that Him on your mind that you replace the she with always....

cause the writer quotes stuff with just the she in it....

in your mind the way the she disappears that beautifully slow and replaced with Him...

Him - you could never get used to him, despite of living him every single day back then meeting him being with him and yet the next day there was that sense of magic like feeeeeel rushing through you the sec you see him again.....

that one face in the world that one him in the world for you, could never get used to....

no wonder there was you replacing that one random face with His and living your own crazy moment of happiness...

its Him everything in and bout Him, his beauuutiful details to his nothingness too, smthing you could never will never get used to...

this very sec when you out of nowhere think of that one sec when he one final time in that chat asks you again for skype that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling like you alone knew what and how much that meant to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

living Him - meant the world to you !!!!!!!!!

EVERYTHING !!!!!!!!!

and then to actually say a no cause it just felt that pointless after all !!!!!!!

strange no charlie it wasnt even like you dint want to see him or naything even after having said that all of you still that badly wanted to see him once.... and yet that strong feel of whats the point even....

like it just dint make any sense.....

you sitting there living him knowing still knowing................................................

Watching the world around...

its like you are sitting in the middle of it all and the world around you just the world around you is constantly moving and changing as they move... including Him !!

and thats the nature and way of life...

thats how its meant to be.....

just that it dint work for you !!

so you just sit there and let the world flow as it flows around...

and not flowing wit it !!

cause where you are sitting is where you are at most ease where you can just be and the flow around is smthing you dont relate or connect with.... dosnt feel like yours !!

but its all changing so fast moving so fast like days go by months years gone that fast....

with you still there where you were...

today standing there after not weeks but to think of it now months of looking for that one space that you had on mind and finally finding smthing that looks much more beautiful than you had on mind and smthing that you connect vibe the most with.... Nature !!

right at the entrance that beautiful wild forest like vibes against the white contrast of the bungalow was smthing else.....

like that first sec of feeling that smile on your heart and yet not completely happy not that sense of happiness state is when you realize what really made you happy.... and nothing else could ever come close to that, not even this one place that you were that bad looking for all this while....

like almost makes you question yourself why dint it make you happy poora and just heart smile moment.....

some questions you already know the answer of !!

just like this moment prolly a day or two days back.....

out for grocery shopping with mom and as per usual her looking for smthing and you lost in his music and browsing through some designs and this one loud screeching sound of the trolley and you look up and this one corner there was this guy standing with his brother or smthing wearing this grey t shirt beard on and looked that similar like Him....

like that closely similar with Him in that one grey arri t shirt of his..... that one snug fitted t shirt on him and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he used to look that much more beautiful in that one.....

today after years you see someone look that similar just similar to him in that same grey t shirt.....

that one moment like it just holds you makes you wanna stay that way and keep watching the guy cause in your mind you still were living him in your own weird crazy way....

like you just up the volume of his music and just watch the guy away its only after a while when your mom shakes you up and you take off the one ear plug and she asks you if you knew the guy as you were smiling and lost in the guy with the guy looking back at you and smiling too.....

all that while charlie not even for a second did you really see the guy smiling at you or even staring back at you.....

is when you realize how lost you were in that one state of happiness having found some trace of him to live in that moment....

and  how in the daylight waking state you were actually living him in some random guy without even really seeing the guy staring back and smiling at you.....

like those few mins you actually were happy cause it was Him that you were living then.....

those details of Him rushing through you from back then in that same grey t shirt...

like for you that moment the world just stopped in the present and just you back in your most loved time and living him in somebody from the present...

only after that moment of realization you ask your mom if you could just get away and go back to the car.....

cause it was that weird with the guy still looking or mom getting mixed signals about you wanting to move on or smthing....

and you just wanted to get away from it all and just be...

back in the car and replaying that moment again strangely made you happy cause in your mind weird crazy fcked up mind that one moment those few mins you actually were living Him, just that beauuuuuuuuuuuuty of Him.... in His grey t shirt right there in that very moment !!

Learning to fly...

been in the same place for waayy too long now has its own impact like it leaves you changed almost completely.....

and this feeling has been there for almost forever now.....

last few weeks this one thing that you are working on yourself trying to change you in a good way to make it better for yourself in some way.....

and whilst doing that this one search for that one perfect studio like place with workshop in one place so you dont have to run around two places for work.....

been weeks now either its waay too expensive for now or just the place isnt good enough...

its only today you get this call from some friend of yours who talks bout this one advert she had seen and suggests you go see the place for once...

a lil away from the workshop and one galli to the other finally you reach the place !!

the very first thing the entrance itself rings that loudest tangggg in you !!!!!!!!!!

like the loudest one possible like you could almost feel that one smile over your heart after a very long time !

not cause it was fancy the reason why you fell in love with the place without even having a look on the inside is these beautiful wild creepers hanging and hovering over the entrance that beautifully...

as if though the place was right in the middle of the forest white independent house sort of thing with these beautiful green wild creepers hovering over.....

and thats when you did decide that very sec this is the place that you wanted..... it was that rustic and that beautiful at the same time....

and the landlord comes over asking you bout it and then tells you to have a look inside and you tell her right there that youll take the place and when can you move in...

the aunty still insists to have a look first and you finally do on the inside the place still ok needs a looot of work but the outside of it and you decide youll make the inside as beautiful and yours on the inside too.....

like it wasnt that state of complete happiness charlie but that smthing in you felt that change felt that movement that smthing in you just moved like you know one step closer to another dream like wish that you wished for.....

your own studio to get the meetings done to have the collection on display instead of having to run to strabucks everytime for client meets or their place....

like your place with your workshop where you can see it happen!!

was a lil step very lil one but that sense of smthing just moved made a massive impact on you!

like finally smthing changed in your life for good.....

like finally you did move...

the very slightest bhi, still you did...!