Of all the days.....

the feel of sundays has never been the same again !!!!!!!!

you dont like sundays no more !!!!!!!

ever since that one message one lil chat wit him a year back it has never been the same again.....

there are dreams still there but the day the vibe of the day dosnt feel the same like it did before.....

and yet smthing still bout it.....

of all the days today !!!!

when all these days you still are struggling to sort of let that side of you just go back to where it was and how it was.....

like you know get a hold on yourself get normal back again and just STOP reliving him that way.....

and yet you just cant.....

to some news article bout donald glover the artist that you love again cause after arjit singh its this artist that you see a glimpse of Him in.....

it had a pic ofthe artist in a worn out t shirt in the shade of blue and the waaaaay it takes you back to that moment again at his versova place.....

this happens all the time a lilst of thing bout that meet.... like a mention smwhere or a track from that meet or anything at all and the waaaaaaaaaay every lil sec with Him from that day rushes through you and HOW !!!!!!!!!1

this looooooooooove for his clothes too......

this pic of the artist in the worn out t shirt and the waaaaaaay it takes you back to that day.....

over his shoulder feeling his t shirt you ask him to give you his most worn t shirt before you leave.....

and the waaaaaaaaay the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he that adoooooooorably chuckles away and holds you closer.... take this one instead its almost new.....

that beaaaaaaaaautiful beige almost creamish full sleeved knit kinda t shirt of his from that day smthing youve never seen him before in the style of that......

and you nod away and insist smthing he wore the most like an old t shirt of his.....

and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay that one nod of his THT one nod!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you obvsly did forget before leaving asking for it again so did he.....

today after years you see his shade of blue in that worn out look on the artist with that same expression of His that he had on his passport pic that he gave you back then.....

some days nai charlie like a string of feeeeeels string of moments......

from that moment to this day today feeeeeeeeling him living him from that meet.......

like if this wasnt just enough this one smthing on your most loved pages talks bout the beauty of lilst of moments..... the touch !!!!!!!!

to just live someones presence with that one touch.....

could be anything at all in the lilst of ways........

when you distant yourself away from that side of you and then live that same you after years now......

how do you even get back to normal.....

is when your heart all of you this one feeeeel - how truly lucky !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Lucky!!!!!!!!!!

you do live him in many ways in dreams almost every morning you wake up with.....

but smtimes nai charlie there is that lilst of moment lilst of presence that can make all the difference....

and this one was for you that one moment.....

the after of it you still are struggling to get over !!!!!!!!!!!!!

and HOW !!!!!!!!!

the mind after that moment the you after that one moment hasnt been felt the same.....

its like suddenly you have come alive......

ekdum seee !!!!!!!!!!!

this one calm like you cant speak dont wanna speak or talk kinda state of mind......

couldnt go to the studio either and just in your room.....

like you are doing your best to get over it and yet cant jsut cant.....

cause that one whisper of his did bring back all of Him and every bit of Him that youve lived with him....

and HOW !!!!!!!!!!

his smell his touch his voice his whisper him living you and of all the things the day you felt his love again for the first time that one meet versova meet.....

it did bring back all of it that you stopped thinking reliving bout !!!!!!!!

off late youve only been tying your hair up in a top bun or its in a pony.... rarely leaving it open.....

but ever since that one whisper that need just that need to let it open....

leave it that way.....

as you do its you still living reliving that whisper of his voice that closeness of his.....

its been this long now charlie that almost feels like it was another lifetime.....

having lived Him that close to you for real !!!!!!!!!!

like it now feels like it was decades ago !!!!!!!!1

after that moment like the mind is that lost running on a track of its own....

its this thing charlie bout missing smthing.....

when you miss smthing or someone you obvsly subconsciously tend to feel the person living it rather more lucky.....

not sure if its natural or just you but you sort of tend to feel that way.....

like you know you miss someone and anybody that gets to live that someone prolly the luckiest.....

in your case now being decades ago its this feeling this new feeling know this is where it gets weird and all that weird guilt or not sure what ...... where your mind sort of tends to feel this how lucky that one someone did get the touch the voice to be heard to live that presence of his in any and everyway..... when you relive that feeeeeel of him over your ear your skin after that long.... the way it keeps going to how lucky that skin.........

even writing now it is feeling ajeeb might delete all this later but now its this need to get it out of you......

its like when you dont relive smthings you sort of tend to forget it exists.....

or youve ever lived.....

cause it was years back......

and then a moment like this a touch a presence a whisper like this changes it all away and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!

even writing it now feeling waaaaaaaay more ajeeeeeber than you did before bhi !!!!!!!!!!

but smthings nai better writing it all out !!!!!!!!!!!!!

some people nai how weird it is dont even know how lucky truly lucky and blessed did they get just like that !!!!!!!!!!

THAT lucky !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The whisper 2...!

it was bout two days or smthing and prolly early hours of the morning and you feel smthing over n around your one ear.... and the way it sort of moves you shakes you gently..... like you know that one gentle shake not that scared shake kinda shake......

and as you move you smell him that close to you like THAT close to you !!!!!!!!!

and you try to move closer to where you could smell him even more like you know making sure you move slow just so you dont wake up..... and as you do you could feel his lips over your ear his breath over your ear and you stop moving and the waaaaaaaaay he smiles like you could feeeeeeeeeeeeeel his smile over your ear THAT close.......

and you jsut stay that way feeeeeeeeeeeling living his presence smelling his presence THAT close to you.... and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he smiles even more closer this time..... and that slow whisper morning hour sleepy tone of his voice tells you i loveee your hair...

that loveeee bit sounded exactly the same waaaaaaaaaaay he did back in at his versova place.....

that exact same tone of his voice from back then.....

as he kept chumming spaces of your face away.....

like your lashes your nose your cheeks your hair and then with every chummiii kept saying the same i always loved your lashes love your hair and all......

that slow whisper from back then that sameeeeeeeeeee exact tone of his voice as he was high and sleepy back then too.....

that same exact voice and the exaaaaaact same way the way he says it.....

and you just beeee the waaaaaaaaay that one line those fewest of words with his lips still over your ear makes you feel......

it all still feels weird writing all this out and also might delete later.....

cause smthings you just cant write ekdum aiseee here.....

but there is also that thing charlie that youve felt ever since that dream or moment it was.....

the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it has just left you the state of you !!!!!!!!!!!!!

its this weird n yet beautiful......

cause you felt this you after really long LONG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and also there is that thing of what sense does it even make now and YET !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then there is this feeeeeeeeeeel this neeeeeeed to let the moment out to write out your heart what and how you are feeling it just feeeeeeeels ajeeeen on the inside like you know that neeeeeeeed to just write the moment out jsut so it gets better in your head.....

hoping it gets better in you !!!!!!!!!!!!

its this weird restlessness this weird calm like you cant talk cant think cant work kinda vibe !!!!!!!

mind that lost !!!!!!!!!

all of you this THIS lost !!!!!!!!!

cause it awakened the side of you that you almost forgot did exist in you !!!!!!!!!!!!!

it wasnt a dream where you saw him or smthing but just felt Him...

and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like it was just that whisper and you wake up much later still turning to that side of Him waking up and again looking for him still in that sleep haze state of mind.... cause you were again AGAIN that sure of him being still there !!!!!!!!!!!

and the after of that moment was smthing else is smthing else !!!!!!!!!!!

this you the waaaaaaaaaaaaaay anything of him leaves you this transformed !!!!!!!!!!!!

beyond !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The whisper...!

sometimes you are just not sure if to write your sober heart and exact state of mind out loud or to just get high and feel less guilty writing it out.......

some emotions some feeeeeels specially the after feeeeeeeels of a dream of a whisper can transform you awaken the side of you that you let hidden deep down inside of you.... like you know make sure it stays there no matter what....

and all it takes is that one whisper one sound of Him to just awaken that side of  you.....

like always !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings you know better that way to just you know keep that side of you off you like you make it let it be non existential kinds.....

knowing !!!!!!

and then that one sound that one voice in the world for you !!!!!1

that one scent in the world for you !!!!!!!!!!

just that one in the world for you !!!!!!!!1

changes it all away again after donno how long it has been now..........

that one whisper just that one whisper of a Sound...!

Prioirity....

do  you really need tooo much to care to just show someone you love to just let someone know youll be there no matter what.....

these things logics like there made more sense in times like these......

where to just check on someone if they are okay if they are safe n all is all that made that bit of a difference to know how much you really did matter... like you know know that you are cared for kinda thing.....

where there is that bit of negativity leading to calling this shift as end of the world.....

and then there is that strength to hold onto the positive side of it all....

hoping the good better best side of it soon around.....

its in these times especially post lockdown that you sort of respected started to love your work all the more..... cause it did help you get on that positive note of life around maybe its that thing bout independent that makes you stronger and more positive.....

or it was your just plain acceptance after all these years of holding on.....

its hwen you finally realized what version of Him that you left with now and then live with it.....

its the waaaaaaaaaaay i still feel live him charlie its that beautifully real.....

like you know you wake up and can never get used to that feeeeling of searching for him hoping he is still there cause thats how real that moment was.....

and then the reality of it now off late doesnt hurt anymore.....

it strangely doesnt.....

its that acceptance of he has moved on and so have you with this version of Him with you that you are living with.....

and then there are times like these especially today after having read those different messages bout what happened today.....

there was that need to again just be there.... there was this message that actually resonated more with you.....

cause that was all youcould in your way.....

that went you dont have to ask them if they are okay jsut let them know you are there for them dont ask just show you are there for them......

its exactly how and what youve felt when there used to some news something that would shake you up worrying bout him being okay and all.....

and you alwasy wanting to jsut show that you are there to make it better for your own knowing you are there......

today too it was the same....

and you add him back with that reality on mind being someone elses boyfriend and you jsut checking on your friend your best friend you once knew.....

and you just add him back......

you cant add logic and all that jazz when you love or care.....

you just do, you just love or you dont, you just care or you dont no matter what.....

its either this or that, as simple as that.....

and  to you ever since day one your Priority in life has always been that clear.....

and will always Be...!

To go on loving.....

self respect logics the reality......

its like there is this one side of it and then there is the other side of it.... how do you stop caring how do you stop loving how do you put a stop put an end to your side of love when you know see the other side of love is no more.....

like how do you go bout with that change with that transformation like how do you allow yourself to move with that change.....

like how do you unlove put a stop to that love just cause you realized there is no love now......

how do you stop caring ekdum se......

news smthing that you come across that shakes you up and all you wanna know check upon to just know if he is good if he is safe to just know to just feel that need of wanting to be there for him....

knowing you are the least that he needs.....

how do you understand that accept that and just be..... like you know stop your side of caring tooo like how do you do that......

its when this happens you sort of let yourself go...... cause you got no control over.....

its that slow whispers echoes that play through you of the promises made of his voice youll be there no karely you will always be there no karely..... no matter what i do no matter what i tell you.....

its that thing charlie bout moments lived.......

there are moments and then there are moments that you have lived with every speck of you that you are made of.... like all of you to anything of you that has truly wholefully lived that moment felt that moment and then made that promise.....

times change people change but there is that thing bout some promises the echoes of those promises made.....

with him over your lap still holding onto you looking helpless in that beautiful silence of the night..... sometimes holding onto your arm or leg and asking you if youll be there with him.... talking bout his mind to you those sudden shifts he goes through and then asking you again if youll still be there......

it was bout that moment those moments his voice to live him in those moments.....

living him in that moment moments making those promises to be there with him smtimes as his loveand mostly as his mommy.....

today or many a times in times like these it all comes back to you..... mind still being ignorant to the change now.....

it all just flows through you......

again when you know he is strong and most importantly knowing your importance or importance of your absence in his life is what he wants and yet there are these times that you cant help......

the world today off late is going through things none of us ever even imagined what have  to be dealt with......

its a big change that we are experiencing a complete transformation of way of life.... like constantly changing.....

and then news like these to the messages bout how its even more important to be there for each other to show you care to show you love someone to just express and most importantly just be there for the ones you love.....

to the forwards bout the mental health and having been that close to depression it jus felt weird.....

where one of them talks bout checking up on people especially living alone or having had a troubled past.....

it was all feeling weird disturbing.....

its that thing bout young deaths charlie firstly that weird feeling cause of your brother.... like that bit disturbs still disturbs the most.....

cause its very untimely.....

the day started off on that beautiful note with that version of his presence to this feeeeeling later on through the day.....

The mind, a beautiful mess !!

mind i tell you can be this one big beautiful mess.......

its how you shape it its how you let it move absorb towards.....

and yet mostly has a thing of its own, way of its own no matter what you do.....

this feeling smtimes maybe also has a heart of its own cause it def has its own way out.....

when you are getting better stronger more positive thanks to all that work that youve taken up.....

like making sure occupied enough like a day everyday packed enough that you are exhausted enough by the end of the day that you come back and just be.....

it also in a way did you make you a lot more positive especially in times like these.....

going out sourcing stuff especially is def not easy..... it takes up your compleete mind n attention in trying your best to stay safe taking proper precautions constantly keeping an eye around with the distance to avoid touching anything to the rest......

its quite mind consuming like your mind is constantly rushing through moments and then there is that peace in those few hours at the studio when you are just on your own....

working on designs to checking on work and then trying the new ones out.... this change after the space has been a positive change for your mind n body.... you def did come out more positive than a few months back you were....

it was a very difficult time.....

its that thing charlie when you come across things in life that you werent prepared or least prepared for you sort of need that space to take a seat back and relook at your life.... what youve been doing right or wrong and then access the way of life youve been leading.... holding on in your case....

without even knowing you were.....

this time few months of time that you had on.... did sort of help you in some way !!!!!!

liek you know make you realize where you were what you were knowing it all still standing there pointlessly !!!!!!

this mind right now after the devastating news today.... stll not sure where this writing is leading.....

cause you def had smthing else on mind but now as you write you feel the flow deviate.....

its how the day has been today.....

Life is beautiful, for some there are goals that they are attached to ambitions that sort of give em purpose that makes them their lives a lil more beautiful and purposeful.....

for some its the people its the love that they are surrounded with that makes it beautiful.....

it was with him that you found yours.....

it started with him, stayed after him too...... feeling his presence feeling living a version a different version of His that you were, are leading your life with now....

especially after having known things recently the way of your life now sort of had this complete transformation.....

like you def feel your mind sort of finally did accept and adjust to this side of life now.....

like you know living with a version that still felt yours.....

and accepting the other him to a different one that you maybe dont know anymore.....

Lost in the head !!!!!

when you are struggling to not write just soooooooo you dont miss him more than you are already!!!!!!

its like in a way self control for many things.....

firstly and most importantly just soooo you dont miss him waaaaay more cause writin reliving Him from that very specific memory or moment tht you are reliving as you write does smthing more than normal and waaaay much more than just missing to you !!!!!

its a way you miss him that is beyond everything else, especially when you relive him in that moment in that very moment as you write......

and then you decide to stay off writing just so you sort of get a hold on yourself .....

then there are dreams or days like this one today.....

and just bout an hour back or more and you come across this news bout the never before kinda cyclone....

ek ye tha charlie....

when you see apart from the other things, when you see just see that he is here in hyderabad.... there was that sukoon in a way, weird beautiful way... knowing he is safe even if you dont see any of him, to just knowwwwwwwwwwwwww he is safe.....

and then there was that news of between state flights resuming and knowing his love for work he sure mustve been back to bombay.....

and with the obvs news bout it getting worser by the day there is that constant smthing building growing inside of you.... and you only a pray a bit more n stronger that being the only way you can pray wish n hope he is safe and healthy.....

and then there was this news today of a cyclone never before kinda thing to be or hopefully it dosnt hit bombay or even touch away.....

next two days being the timeline that they mention bout.....

and this one big swirl of strong smthing that rushes through you...... knowing he must be back as if the current scenario wasnt worse enough that this another never befre kinda smthing comes up....

there is that thing already with what the world suddenly has come to one place does smthing or dosnt in the immediate course of action and the world suffers, to the lives being taken away for no rhyme or reason based on the ethnicity and now this natures havoc.....

like why all of this all of a sudden....

kinda state of mind....

like nothnng i say nothing in the world or the news could possibly literally shake you away like this one thing to anything bout him.....

and this one swirl of rush through you in that very second as you follow up on the news......

like always all these years cant do a thing bout it neither can you know if he is safe and all.... now cant mail too.....

but that need to just be there wit him......

its that thing charlie smtimes you just cntttttttttttt help it !!!!!!!!

its that urge that smthin to just be with someone especially when it gets bad or scary in thsi case.....

you know it dosnt even make sense but in your way its finding that peace for that moment......

and you add him back knowing youll delete later but that strange weird feeeeeeeling in the stomach to just be there with him.......

now praying he should be safe !!!!!!!

in love, you just donnooooooo the things you do, theres no reasoning for it...... you just do.......

donnoo why but you just doo !!

this weird feeeeeeeeeeling now again.......

why couldnt hyd also be like bombay when it comes to his work !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


THIS MIND NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

things you know he is smart n independent enough now to take care of himself, he has people who love him enough to take care of him and yet this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling knowing it all too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!