How far!

 It's this feeeel charlie as you look back throuhf moments like these with that realisation bout how far you've come...

From that evening looking for that one black pathani thing for him at the exhibition with his sister to today designing creating smthing that cpuld fall closest to the feel of it......

When you visually live such moments it's like your entire life almost flashed through in that single sec as you live that visual in that moment!

From that first day morning of bup to this moment here that one long wait maybe tomo maybe tomo maybee tomo he'll come back...

Even in that longest conversation with your mom where it was just her talking, in that moment when from general she gets that direct asking you did he ever tell you even for a single sec or moment that he still loves you or wants you in his life cause if he did then spend another 10 or 20 years more waiting....it's upto you but if he didn't!

And that one pause after saying it all away...

Smthings nai charlie some logics you rather not think bout at all like that part of life and loving him you rather not think bout cause deep down you know there's no answer to that....and you better not let your mind wander to that!

But that day when you hear out loud that very same logic or reality of life it did shake up smthing in you in a bad or even worse way possible!

It just felt weird to hear it out !!!!

Agaim where moemnts you wish conversation you wish things you wish could run away from and then there are moments like the one today that sort of add that bit of meaning that bit of smthing to your life...to your day!

Just that smthing, that you can never define!!

Place of peace...

 Watching some random movie this feeeel of the day today that you can't get over!

Last few days ever since the birthday have been difficult very difficult...

And that one place that did turn your peace of place is yhe studio.....

Where today finally all that research for finding vintage rajputi men's wear designs inspo obvsly from the one n only Him on mind.....that one black pathani thing that he that baadly wanted back then and now the master Ji xoesnt know that we'll bout making one so you instead tweak the design up a bit with a lot of research initially with Italian mens fashion and then finding your ideal almost closest match to pathani in his rajputi vintage fashion also known as the jodhpuris....

Which now is very modernised into the bandhgala but you wanted smthing very vintage and smthing that's not very known now...a rare one with the rarest of on the mind I say!

From writing inspo to fashion inspo today....

When that one design first piece of the entire outfit got done today that first feeeel charlie was beautiful... It's that feeling when you've lost that will on wishes and this one without having wished for does come out that beautifully well.....

It was a late nite at work working on the collection but now as you see it come out this well piece by piece that one calm that one smthing that it fills you up with amidst the other chaos running handling through!

No wonder as tbe saying goes anything done with love I say comes out all things love...

Exactly was that vibe when you see that perfect finish of the first piece done of tge set.....that very moment again imagining him in the same..

Some habits you just gotta change and yet can't help it I say!

The one day...

 The one day on calendar.....

Exactly why October is your most fav month of the year and December now being the most disliked one!

Cause now you know the complications it comes with every year...

The one month you dread now!

This year too that one long conversation with your mom and this bitter feeeeling iteft your heart with....

At the studio now sitting in ur place wondering if the people who tell you that they really love you care bout you actually do love you or care bout you?!

Or is it mostly and mainly bout em!!!!

When you talk bout or talk to someone do you even give it a second thought as to how or what they might feel like after the words have been spoken after the thought has been put out there.....like do they even think bout it that ways at all???!!

How does wanting you to do smthing ha got to do with what and how you want things to be and here most importantly being your own life in question...

How does you wanting someone to move on so they can you have moved on or got married to ten other people where in question you your life is not how you wanted it to be like......

This one thing smtimes charlie being born as a girl woman why does it seem this difficult complicated smtimes...

Why can't how and what you want to be your life as is never important or asked upon.....why is it always bout how everybody else wants it to be as more important of utmost importance and anything against that will or anything in favor of your own will seems that bloody wrong and against everything and everybody...

Work did become your ultimate escape from things like these just so you could be away from conversations like these for the moment but this one day when you decide to take the day off just so you could be on your own for a bit and off work for one day.....this happens!

How do you call this care bout you wanting best for you when you are shaking that peace of mind someone is looking for hoping for.....why can't my life my decisions choices be mine alone!

When you can't see yourself beside or be with somebody else why is it this difficult to understand afetr all it is you whose life is in question it is you who would have to lead live that life on that would be decided forced by the others!!!!!

Kabhi lagta charlie to just run awayfrom it all kahiii bhii bas door chale jaana away from it all...

This moment today when you see the model wearkmg that white set that you'd designed keeping him in mind....that one feeeeeeeeeeel!!!!!!!

When you look away stay away from looking at that guy directly and just focus on the fittings of the outfit smthings!!!!!

The way that one moment sort of connects away to a zillion other chain of thoughts.....

Where you are still living him in the lilst of moments how do you see someone esle filling up that away!

It was a weird day where you feel a lil more less worth this day that was suppised to be your birthday...

Do peope really care bout the people they love or they think they care bout it's that difference that fine line of what they think is in direct action to how and what they really feel bout!

WWhy is it this difficult to understand if things have changed for someone it doesn't necessarily mean you need to too!

It hasn't changed for you you still are there where you were...cause you still feel the things you did back then and just cause the other doesn't feel the same how does it make sense of yoy should change too!!!!

donnnooo!!!!

 His daaaaaaaaadi my beloooo ed most daaaadi of hiss ayyyyaaaaaa moments like theseee it's like u live him now bowwwww he is there and the waaaaaay it al cesmes back to you!!!!!!

All of him to lilst of him it's like u can almost smell him now hlis presence every thujf bout him minddddd this mind nowwww......

Wherreeee to whereeeeee it's goung I tell you!!!!!!

Howwwwwwnowwwwwww!!!!!!

Ou ts thta duvidhaaa smtikeees like baxk then to eat or to just live n watch him......same troppo sameere feeeeling this miment this you right now.....

Ayyyaaaaaa inneeeeee handsomeness pe handmaomeee hoteeee jataaaa chalieee!!!!!

Yaaayyyaaaaaa toeattt or to just stayyy n liveee I syaaa!

Everything!!!!!

 Ayyyaaaaaaaa when he comes lile th8s pooooraaaaaa ka poooooora uthaaaakeeeeeee yummmm yummmmmmmmmmm kahaaaaa kaaanaaaaa iskuuuu!!!!!!

Ayyaaaaaa him not just the heart lungs kidney every lilst of you that there ever has been will be it's all n more just him I sayyyy!!!!!!

It's this feeeeeeeling charlie just you feeel nor just cause him n gim high you are now.....but the waaaay it just feeeels andaaar seee in lkments when u arevon ur own missa him in that very moment nnfeeel Jim to be there in that very moment it's just the waaaaaay it feeoes inside.....

It's strange it's pooora madnesss bur it's this him that you feeel and caaaaant help but feeeel the waaay nothing ever has felt !!!!

U know it's pooora howlaapan but smthings I say are beyond u n logic.....just that pure beauuuuty of magic I say....

It's like u felt him touched him almost literally touched him.....mind in this moment again ayyyyaaaaaaaa fir zoooor zooooor seeee yaaaad kiyaaaa dilneeewww chippppyyyy kahaaaaa ho yummmmm hauuu yummmm only.....

Ayyyaaaaaa uskeeee whoooo gaaal uskiii whooo naaaak the waaaay u loooooveeeeeed yummminh it awaaaay his way and the waaaaaay he would just chuckle awaaaay knowing u were copying by his style of chummming.....

His hands his shouldwrrrr his beauuuutofullest forehead ayyyaaaaaa his pouty hoooth I saaaay.......mind where t9999 whereeeeeeee only......

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeee u are being yummmmmmmoliiiicoulyyy being miasssed I say !!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Him High!

 Mind just this mind todaaaay this mildly happy high!!!!!

When you that beauuuutifully felt him literally felt him through the moments through the day this feeeeeeeling your heart beats with I say!!!!!

Just beyond words...

This beauuuutiful magic of your sexond most fav time of the year Christmas!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaa howleeeeee aaaaaj thoooo how onlyyyy You were missed I saaay!!!!

Just this heart today just thus you with the gin tin his music playing ayyyaaaaaaa this him highh!!!!!!

It's just lilst moments of living him feeeeling him thta strongly in lkments in thise very miments!!!!!!

Howleeeeeeeeeeeeeee yaaaaaad kitaaaaa dilnewwww kahaaaaa ho tummm jhooomtiii kaaaaptiii bahaaaar haaai kahaaaa hoooo tummm!!!!!!

Dhoooondti fir rahiiiiiui!!!!!!!

To bee Him!

 Another one of those favtest days that starts with becoming Him, being Him through the day with those sparks of Him magic and one of your most favtest moments of becoming Him visually...

With another one of those favtest things to wear with him and live him as you do!!!!!

Some daaaaays just that one content feeling in its own way...

Becoming Him...!