Road of - Him 2!!

like that one sign board was only the start of the most beautiful few days that you lived after !!!!!!

soo yah there is that thing bout experiencing smthing that youve lived and loved the most in your life.....

and sort of is saved in you like untouched untainted just as you felt it then it still is now.... kinda memory moment that youve lived !!

to experience this roadtrip after him in his absence still strangely weirdly felt like he was there through n through this trip too for all these days.....

from that board to what and how you felt after seeing that board was again waaaaaaaaaaaay beyond words.....

sitting low mind at the slowest beautiful best his music loud enough that it calms all of you while you let your self soak drown a lil more in him.....

it was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay tooooooooooooo beauuuuuuuuuuutiful for words...

that whole experience of experiencing him in his absence all through that journey to in a completely different place too...

to just feeeeeeeel the rains feeel Him rushing through you the more the music plays like almost every song on his on loop for the longest of hours.....

like even if you write out the most of the words you cant still even get close to what and how it made you feeel.....

its beautiful how the complete meaning of an experience is that beauuuuutifully laced with just that one love of yours that slikenothing else..... from the love for roads to just living him in those strips of gulmohars throughout that journey....

it was that beautifully trippy white to pink to yellow gulmohars right in the middle of the road and as the car speeds up the visuals get that trippy and to experience him in those moments with his music was smthing else......

its like in moments random no logic moments like these do you realize how much of someone youve truly completely become...

is when their presence or absence becomes secondary cause you can still feeeeel live them !!!!!

and HOW !!!!!!!!!

to the corners of the gallis finding his birthyear at some random temple gate to finding trees that makes people wish and hope for their dreams to come true some day..... remidning you of your very own one wish visual dream hope life call it whatever like how beautiful and weirdly strange it is....

tying up your hope wish dream and hoping for it to come true someday soon...

when your mom too insists you do the same and you end up joking over youve done this already in a zillion dreams before... and she phir bhi insists and you finally get in the line and the sec your turn comes instead of tying that one need to look around the tree it was that strange that one moment cause in your mind youve lived beig that close to the tree only knowing his presence being around somewhere.....

and for that one sec you maybe lost it again and look for him that one sec and just tie it.... your mom thinks you were wishing smthing but instead your mind still looking for him and you knew were sure of not asking for any wishes or hopes....

like you were just there to just be there and away.....

but the waaaaaay it all only felt all the more beautiful.....

there was chaos mad crowd everywhere people people every corner possible too much rush and stink around....

but there was that beautiful calm peace serenity that you could feel with his music still plugged in and much expected stares from your mom and around.... there was this own lil world of His that you were lost in.....

like all what was happening around barely made any difference to that inside world of yours that you were lost in....

those beautiful lil drizzles on and off and you head out instead to jsut feel the rains and live him a lil more.....

those lil lil temples around the main temple to that trip to the handloom place and then again those walks by your own to the nearby streets.....

rains above him rushing through you and that whole experience of still being able to live him in his absence and not even being in one of his places is when you realize it really is just is what it is.....

and not just connected related to any specific place or time...

the Him in you is you now !!!!!!!!

its not connected related to a place of his or being in familiar places like you feeeeeeel him no matter where you are its just the way it is now......

to juts live that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling charlie like you know to still be able to feeeeeeeel THAT much love rushing through you despite of the harshness of reality - is different beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully different !!!!!!!

nothing less than magic again.....

what and how you feeeeeeel in moments of your own like truly completely connecting you with the real you.....

like you were the most you in those walks on your own drizzle above his music playing just those lilst of flashes of him of his expressions of his sound his words his chuckles his touch from first to the one at his other place to his stares his nods every lil to biggest thig bout him...... the waaaaaaaaaaaaay all and any of him was rushing through you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was the most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful of experiences that youve felt and had ever since his absence.....

most beautiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Road of - Him...

this thing bout experiences memories like not the usual random memories but the kinds that youve lived loved the most in your life....

and you sort of attach relate scents visuals sounds to that memory cause thats how much youve loved and more importantly lived that moment which now is a memory you are reliving....

like you know exactly how the moment felt smelled looked like... cause you lived it then you are able to relive it now.....

the same thing was with drives....

as a kid you always loved drives those roadtrips to and fro from bombay to hyd.....

like just the idea of being surrounded with nature all around to watching the moon move slowly as the car moved to that idea of finding the moon all through the journey like you remember being wide awake watchig the moon away wondering thinking moon travels everywhere like with you the moon travel sfrom one corner to the other was more than magical in your mind.... to that idea of being the first one to see the morning rays light up the sky like watching the transformation of a nite to a day.....

was smthing you loved like those memories the good ones from yoru childhood are also most bout the drives to meet that mans extended family from one corner to the other.....

to reliving that love for roads did come back with him...

right after childhood it was with him that you relived that same love for the drives.... only this time lil did you know it was going to transform that strong love of yours for the drives.....

cause it was soon only going to be bout him and nothing else but just him and HOW !!!!!!!!!!

initially being amused by that same love of yours for the nature around on those long drives to realizing that even more passionate love almost of yours to live him.....

like you could go on n on and not blink for a sec and just live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him and feeeeeeel the happiest youve eveer beeeen !!!!!!!!!!!!

it was only after realizing that love of yours to live him, soon everything around only appeared less beautiful less loved cause there was him and ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to just seeeeeeeee him to just live him was SMTHING else waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond words and loves for anything in life i swear charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it just was smthing else like making you feeeeeel the happiest youve ever beeeeen to just live him from that close !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

everything to anything bout him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa like there was no waaaaaay you oculd see feeel live anything beyond him.....

that love for drives that meaning essence of drives was transformed by him and HOW !!!!!!!

be it living that beauuuuuuuty of him or his much loved you sleeping over his lap with his music playing..... to just live that feeeeeeeeeeling of being away from it all and closest to each other !!!!!!!

LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that was then and after that it was in this trip.....

like after him youve never really been on a drive or a roadtrip kinda thing like this....

and the sec you start off that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling it was early in the morning like the sec you are on the outskirts and the farther you go that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him.....

like you could slowly but that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully could feeeeel that one shift inside of you....

like smthing was changing inside again smthing you cant possibly write out.....

it was that beautiful like you could feeel smthing slowly transforming inside of you... and a lil more away and that feeeeeeeeeeel of the road again like you could that strongly feeeeeeeel like youve been there before.... that same need to look around to find smthing like not even knowing what you are looking for but that one search for smthing familiar that makes you realiza youve been there before with him.... like you could def sense that feeeeeel of his place but again not knowing where you were headed what road it was then or now..... you werent sure and this one board on your side of the window !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how can some words some sign board just like that make you feeel like you just read happiness love life HIM in the boldest biggest of alphabets !!!!!!!!!!

to just seeeeeee that one sig board after decades almost that one road that one street that one place !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SANGHI TEMPLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just before taking that turn entering that street lil did you know it was your road to life transformation to say the least.....

like from there on everything inside and in your life was never going to be the same.....

youve lived this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling that you are again suddenly feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling right now then too when you see that board but smthings naiii you can never really get used to !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

goosebumps !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His presence...

in your head you are waay stronger than what you are for real...

and this logic was shattered and HOW when you finallyyyyyyyy live his presence see him for real after what felt like decades....

all this while that thing that wish bout dooorse thoo bi dikh jaana like you would still be happy with at least you saw him was broken and how when you actually see him for real doorse......

to just seeeeeeeeee him that close to you CLOSE to you and you couldnt just reach your hand out or scream out his name or just let him know that you were right there that close beside him literally, did make you realize where you stand in life.....

how its not just this whatsapp no talk distance but a lot more distant...

and that again did break you and how......

from being that lost off work and everything else to drinking prolly for a few days straght.....

just so you could stop replaying that one visual of his presence with that one bold heading that came along every single time that one visual played i miss You !!!!!!!!!!!

like that one realization of how much you truly missed him only hit you the hardest when you finally did see him and couldnt do a thng bout it !!!!!!!

and the best way you thought it would sort of wear off is by being on yoru own and away from everything else.....

and this big change second time first was when the actual breakup and second prolly was this time....

dint go unnoticed by your mom.....

and she just plans for a tirupati trip saying that she wanted to visit and wanted you to come along...

and you jus wanted to be away for a bit cause that one logic thought of what was on your mind all this while was smthing you actually did live for real - him being in the same city country as you and THAT close to you and you for the first time did know of it and couldnt see live touch or hold him.....

and you jsut wanted to get away and as far as you possibly could.... even be it for a bit !!!!!!!!

it was that weird charlie like nothing like youve felt before.....

those few days were worse than difficult like how do  you see someone that one someone that has been your life and eveything that close to you and you cant touch them let them know that you were right ther ecant say their name out cant call them out like you cant do a thing but feel helpless in teh worst way possible.....

like to just see his bike zooop away in the jam like the farther it ketpt going the weirder it got inside of you !!!!!!!!!!

and all of that you just dint know how to deal adn get over it.....

and you thought getting away would help make it better for you like you could for at least a while stop replaying that one most looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooved visual of your life HIM for a bit !!!!!!!

lil did you know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you were only going to feeeeeeeeeeeeeel him closest through n through !!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee YOU beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful lillllllllll big thing how onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy You were missed abiiiiiiii k abiiiiiiiiiiiiii !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What you feel the most now !!

too much to write but first from what you feel the most now in this moment right here !!

exactly how you met him, all blue confused distorted broken state of mind and all of his self..... from those initial his parent talk to him being unsure bout the girl he was seeing then.... .where in one instance he did mention bout her being his gf who was abroad then and then in the other he does talk bout having broken up.....

initially he talks in a way that he wasnt sure of her in life cause it dint feel like love.... and then looks at you and shares that one stare of his that did make you feel smthing it was different you dint know what it was but like in that very moment you sort of felt that need to clarify in that very moment bout you soon being married and just few weeks away from getting engaged and the waaaay he just nods away to that with that one assured smile of his and then looks  up at you again and gets back to his workout.....

him making adoooorable faces as he does his arms and you watching him just looking at his face and wondering what that nod was bout why did he nod away when you said that and then smile at you like this one thing he did every single time some way or the other that one conversation bout you getting married did come up..... like he always knew you wouldnt !!

like he was that sure of it.... since that very first time...

when you felt that hint of his love you did ask him bout his gf that he was talking bout and the waay he stops the treadmill and then again gives that stare and she was never his love.... it was just smthing but not love.... and that he did realize only recently....

you still dint know what it was but the waaaaaaaaaay anything to everything of him and that feeeeeel of being drawn towards him.... like that one peace one khushiiiii that his presence used to come with.....

that one beautiful familiarity that sense of knowing him that sense of wnating to be there with him that sense of belonging to anywhere close or around him.... like that one place is all you wanna be closes to at..... and then that one confusion of him seeing someone and the waaaay he tells you bout him realizing it never was love only recently and then stays living your presence.... maybe looking for that hint of love from your side too..... cause maybe like always he already knew it was love...

and  you still trying to figure out what was that change that one ongoing transformation happening on the inside of you....

and this one video like the start of it to that one logic of the colors corelated with the phases of life...

again smthing he did tell you back then watching it for the second time with him.... and the way he mentions bout the same how the color of hair was directly related to the stages of their relationship....

but you being you you dont get it cause you were that lost in living his hand holding yours and doing that same play of feeling the veins on his hands and him doing the same with your hand just like he used to back then.... like he just had his hand over your shoulder and then holds your hand and does that thing that he used to back then.... and soon you feeling the veins on his hands and him doing the same and you living that visual sort of on a playback after years..... to just live that feeeeeel of his love for you back again - SMTHING ELSE !!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

that day he did ask you to wear a blue and the way talking bout the color and the logic he ends up saying asking you to wear a green the next time.....

you dont get it neither do you ask him a why or what bout it.....

and just nod away to what he was saying cause you that baaaaadly wnated to just live that moment of his love for you again that feeeling donno when again....

and you make the most of that moment whilst him in his own way sharing his love for you all over again...

its only today as you watch the video and the story unfolds bout the stages and colors of love do you realize why he did ask you to wear a green the next time....

to another thing that your mom noticed bout you...

back then meeting him frequently in a way compared to now... even be it after a few months and you taking pics it was more on the greens and vibrant side.... like you know on the color brighter side of visuals.... and off late its more on the blue side.....

its more darker more blues....

maybe color does directly relate with the state or stage of mind you are at.....

like you are drawn to what reflects the most inside of you.....

its the dark tones the nite lights the shadows that sort of draws your attention....

isnt it strange charlie when you sort of understand a meaning of smthing after years moments have gone by...

like you just decoded that one code msg of his love that he said back then......

with this weird feeeeling at your own dumbness why dint you get it then !!

or if only he was more simpler with his codes !!!!!!

like you know directly telling you on your face that he was again in love with you or he never did stop loving you after all !!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!

again back to where to whereeeeeeeee onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys state of mind !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

writing smthing landed writing smthing else only !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where to start...

been waaay too long prolly the first time having been this long for been off writing !!

like ittaa long ki you actually sit and look at the screen unsure of where and most of how to start.....

like that long ki you actually struggle to write a few words down....

that was the impact of his presence after years that one realization of him that close to you and you couldnt hold touch or even live his presence from up close......

like that one moment practically changed away a lottaa things in you...

that much ki you alone werent the one that noticed that change in you........

cause it sure was a change after the longest time ever !!

cause you did see him after the longest time EVER !!!!!!!!

to say  the least you couldnt even smell his presence for real, leave alone touch or hold or chummi like that still feels like the biggest deal ever !!!!!!!!

EVER !!!!!!!!!!!

but to just even smell his presence breathe the same air to live his presence from a lil closer like making you realize that change......

did leave a lot change a lot in you....

land you back in that state of mind you dint want to be in......

but smtimes you gottaa go a lil away to know where you feel the closest to.... to know which is that place you truly belong where is it that you truly belong... you gottaa be a lil away a lil farther you go the closer you get to where you actually belong...

and exactly what did happen with you too......

its also that thing charlie when you sort of question your own belief bout a certain smthing like maybe its weird i know but its just that thing cause youve never been really really away for that long like for even a week so you think maybe its cause you see his places live him here in familiar places is why you feeel live him that much.....

and its only being away did make you realize a lot of things and just like this one video that felt like one continuation of a Youday today.... did mention that thing bout acceptance the thing that connects sorts us out...

to just understand and accept !!

Words...

this thing bout to visuals to words.....

and the waaaaaay they can transform you away in an instance...

be it the visual of his hands in yours or that one beauty of the words last nite...

you ignore the rest of it all away but that one word to protect and the waaaaaaay it strangely weirdly but that beautifully reminds you of your own promise...

again not sure if its your mind that feels the guilt as and when you block him the way some way or the other it reminds you of the promises you made or in some moments him pulling you back to him in dreams.....

but the waaaaaaay it just makes you live that one pull even with words...

and that very same sec the need to just unblock him and everytime you unblock him i swear charlie you feel like the biggest bloooody foooolest of all fools living breathing on this planet i swear !!!!!!!!!!

wondering what is the connection even but smthings nai charlie when you do it you alone know what and how it feeeeeeeeeel slike in that very moment......

and now more so with his absence you donno any other way but to unblock him..... cause you did promise to be there for him protecting him adoooooring him and loooooving him no matter what !!!!!!!!

its that peace that moment that you are filled up with is again no logics or reasoning can possibly define !!!

no wonder whoever said felt this, life n love is truly in the details and all bout the details...

from where to where !!

how these moments connect this beauuuuuuuuutifully !!!!!!!!!!!

when you were here taking one moment and the waaaaaaaaaaay it just took you off to another most beauuuuuutiful one.....

watching your own hands now and this feeeeeeeeeeling now everytime you do it will only feeeel like his hands.....

that one visual !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings unless you live it unless you visually live you dont really know or can connect with how much it can mean to you !!!!!!!!!!

to just hold his hands in yours !!!!!!!!!!

as lilst of it as it may sound but to just live it visually and to feeeeeeeel it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

beyond words !!!!!!!!!!!!

waaaaaaaaaaay beyond words !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!