What you feel the most now !!

too much to write but first from what you feel the most now in this moment right here !!

exactly how you met him, all blue confused distorted broken state of mind and all of his self..... from those initial his parent talk to him being unsure bout the girl he was seeing then.... .where in one instance he did mention bout her being his gf who was abroad then and then in the other he does talk bout having broken up.....

initially he talks in a way that he wasnt sure of her in life cause it dint feel like love.... and then looks at you and shares that one stare of his that did make you feel smthing it was different you dint know what it was but like in that very moment you sort of felt that need to clarify in that very moment bout you soon being married and just few weeks away from getting engaged and the waaaay he just nods away to that with that one assured smile of his and then looks  up at you again and gets back to his workout.....

him making adoooorable faces as he does his arms and you watching him just looking at his face and wondering what that nod was bout why did he nod away when you said that and then smile at you like this one thing he did every single time some way or the other that one conversation bout you getting married did come up..... like he always knew you wouldnt !!

like he was that sure of it.... since that very first time...

when you felt that hint of his love you did ask him bout his gf that he was talking bout and the waay he stops the treadmill and then again gives that stare and she was never his love.... it was just smthing but not love.... and that he did realize only recently....

you still dint know what it was but the waaaaaaaaaay anything to everything of him and that feeeeeel of being drawn towards him.... like that one peace one khushiiiii that his presence used to come with.....

that one beautiful familiarity that sense of knowing him that sense of wnating to be there with him that sense of belonging to anywhere close or around him.... like that one place is all you wanna be closes to at..... and then that one confusion of him seeing someone and the waaaay he tells you bout him realizing it never was love only recently and then stays living your presence.... maybe looking for that hint of love from your side too..... cause maybe like always he already knew it was love...

and  you still trying to figure out what was that change that one ongoing transformation happening on the inside of you....

and this one video like the start of it to that one logic of the colors corelated with the phases of life...

again smthing he did tell you back then watching it for the second time with him.... and the way he mentions bout the same how the color of hair was directly related to the stages of their relationship....

but you being you you dont get it cause you were that lost in living his hand holding yours and doing that same play of feeling the veins on his hands and him doing the same with your hand just like he used to back then.... like he just had his hand over your shoulder and then holds your hand and does that thing that he used to back then.... and soon you feeling the veins on his hands and him doing the same and you living that visual sort of on a playback after years..... to just live that feeeeeel of his love for you back again - SMTHING ELSE !!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!

that day he did ask you to wear a blue and the way talking bout the color and the logic he ends up saying asking you to wear a green the next time.....

you dont get it neither do you ask him a why or what bout it.....

and just nod away to what he was saying cause you that baaaaadly wnated to just live that moment of his love for you again that feeeling donno when again....

and you make the most of that moment whilst him in his own way sharing his love for you all over again...

its only today as you watch the video and the story unfolds bout the stages and colors of love do you realize why he did ask you to wear a green the next time....

to another thing that your mom noticed bout you...

back then meeting him frequently in a way compared to now... even be it after a few months and you taking pics it was more on the greens and vibrant side.... like you know on the color brighter side of visuals.... and off late its more on the blue side.....

its more darker more blues....

maybe color does directly relate with the state or stage of mind you are at.....

like you are drawn to what reflects the most inside of you.....

its the dark tones the nite lights the shadows that sort of draws your attention....

isnt it strange charlie when you sort of understand a meaning of smthing after years moments have gone by...

like you just decoded that one code msg of his love that he said back then......

with this weird feeeeling at your own dumbness why dint you get it then !!

or if only he was more simpler with his codes !!!!!!

like you know directly telling you on your face that he was again in love with you or he never did stop loving you after all !!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!

again back to where to whereeeeeeeee onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys state of mind !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

writing smthing landed writing smthing else only !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where to start...

been waaay too long prolly the first time having been this long for been off writing !!

like ittaa long ki you actually sit and look at the screen unsure of where and most of how to start.....

like that long ki you actually struggle to write a few words down....

that was the impact of his presence after years that one realization of him that close to you and you couldnt hold touch or even live his presence from up close......

like that one moment practically changed away a lottaa things in you...

that much ki you alone werent the one that noticed that change in you........

cause it sure was a change after the longest time ever !!

cause you did see him after the longest time EVER !!!!!!!!

to say  the least you couldnt even smell his presence for real, leave alone touch or hold or chummi like that still feels like the biggest deal ever !!!!!!!!

EVER !!!!!!!!!!!

but to just even smell his presence breathe the same air to live his presence from a lil closer like making you realize that change......

did leave a lot change a lot in you....

land you back in that state of mind you dint want to be in......

but smtimes you gottaa go a lil away to know where you feel the closest to.... to know which is that place you truly belong where is it that you truly belong... you gottaa be a lil away a lil farther you go the closer you get to where you actually belong...

and exactly what did happen with you too......

its also that thing charlie when you sort of question your own belief bout a certain smthing like maybe its weird i know but its just that thing cause youve never been really really away for that long like for even a week so you think maybe its cause you see his places live him here in familiar places is why you feeel live him that much.....

and its only being away did make you realize a lot of things and just like this one video that felt like one continuation of a Youday today.... did mention that thing bout acceptance the thing that connects sorts us out...

to just understand and accept !!

Words...

this thing bout to visuals to words.....

and the waaaaaay they can transform you away in an instance...

be it the visual of his hands in yours or that one beauty of the words last nite...

you ignore the rest of it all away but that one word to protect and the waaaaaaay it strangely weirdly but that beautifully reminds you of your own promise...

again not sure if its your mind that feels the guilt as and when you block him the way some way or the other it reminds you of the promises you made or in some moments him pulling you back to him in dreams.....

but the waaaaaaay it just makes you live that one pull even with words...

and that very same sec the need to just unblock him and everytime you unblock him i swear charlie you feel like the biggest bloooody foooolest of all fools living breathing on this planet i swear !!!!!!!!!!

wondering what is the connection even but smthings nai charlie when you do it you alone know what and how it feeeeeeeeeel slike in that very moment......

and now more so with his absence you donno any other way but to unblock him..... cause you did promise to be there for him protecting him adoooooring him and loooooving him no matter what !!!!!!!!

its that peace that moment that you are filled up with is again no logics or reasoning can possibly define !!!

no wonder whoever said felt this, life n love is truly in the details and all bout the details...

from where to where !!

how these moments connect this beauuuuuuuuutifully !!!!!!!!!!!

when you were here taking one moment and the waaaaaaaaaaay it just took you off to another most beauuuuuutiful one.....

watching your own hands now and this feeeeeeeeeeling now everytime you do it will only feeeel like his hands.....

that one visual !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings unless you live it unless you visually live you dont really know or can connect with how much it can mean to you !!!!!!!!!!

to just hold his hands in yours !!!!!!!!!!

as lilst of it as it may sound but to just live it visually and to feeeeeeeel it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

beyond words !!!!!!!!!!!!

waaaaaaaaaaay beyond words !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Visuals lived !!

back then at his place and that very same day when he asks you to make roti for him in the morning for breakfast....

it was when your mom and you were there for that reason in the morning...... smthings you just wanna avoid re writing bout cause you know what it left you with !!!!!!!!!!!

and that was his way of wanting to just be wth you as your mom sits with his dad talking bout some village produced honey thing.....

and once done with eating your cooked breakfast the waaaaaaaaaaaay he in ishaara asks you to come inside the kitchen.... there was this sink in the living room too close to the dining area.... but him being HIM i swear charlie the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he would literally steal out those lilst of moments of love when around people or when at his place or yours......

you taking his plate inside and watch him standing close to the kitchen wala sink..... with that one adooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable face and his hands close to the sink....

and without him saying anything wordly just by his face and that adoooooooooooooooorable way of standing you did guess what he wanted you to do now....

hold his hands take closer to the tap and clean his hands..... and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he watches you with that smileeeeeeeeee on him just thaaaaaaat much love all over his face watching you clean his hands....

and you hear the sound of bhupal and try to move away and waaaaaay he holds your hand in a way asking you to be that way and just hold his hand......

and finally when bhupal comes back  tothe kitchen he holds your hand and that way same holding your hand away walks out of the kitchen with you......

the waaaaaay that day he was showing in a way showing his dad your mom what you meant to him in his life.....

as both his dad and your mom see you both holding hands and coming out of the kitchen and only when you try to move away from him the waaaaay he for the first time before anybody else places his hand over your shoulder and talks to your mom asking smthing bout honey again....

you were literally shivering on the inside living him that waaaaaaaay to just watch him be that waaaaay with you before them whoo bhi not just on any other usual day but that day......

like he that beauuuuuuuuutifully literally had your back that day.....

showing you making you feeeeeeel his love in his own adooooooooooooooorable way !!!!!!!!1

again when he did make the most ironic of days of your life to the most beautiful one with moments like these.....

like that was the first time when he openly making you be his showing you are His....

that also was the day when your mom did tell you bout the similar thing like she already felt you belonged to him... like that was the first time she felt that like you no longer were just her daughter and more so of you belonged to him... cause the way he was that day with you made her realize that !!

You were missed this moment right here the worst and evrytime you feeeeel this missing that one same thing if only you could scream the loudest and no matter where he is he would know just knowwwwwwwwwwww in that very moment you missed him bolkeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Visuals...

as you just reading his chat and listening to that echo of his voice as you read the words....

and this one line ignoring most of the others jst so the other side of you dosnt get awakened !!!!!!

this one line sab sun who artist ke...

do as said just be listening to the tracks of the same artist and then switch to shambu reading..... cause the mind the words of the songs taking to another level.....

switch back to your beret playlist and watch that beauty of the drizzle......

how smthings you can never get used with each drop of rain that one HIM all you can feeeeeeeeeeeeeel !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

every single drop of rain !!!!!!!

to this morning you donno when or how this one smthing you lived...

you see some pic of his kissing someone and ask him who it was and all like it was that brief thing bout someone and he shows you the pic and tels you it wasnt him like you dont remember what exactly it was like cause the mind i tell you completely transformed since the last one week or so ..... like you can def feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel this weird missing lostness only growing and you dint know how to get a hold on it !!!!!!

like it def feeeels like nothing youve lived before especially after that moment of seeing him after years and not being able to touch him hear him feel him.......

it was that weird knowing that was actually what you had wished for !!!!!

exactly why you must wish wisely like make sure to wish very very wisely for things in life...

sooooooooo yahhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthing it was bout and you realize it was your mistake and he tells you that now he'll punish you and you have to do smthing throughout that day.....

and you nod away to it and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay him being his adoooooooooooooooooorable best asks you to wash his hands whenever he wants you to throughout the day no matter who is around or where you are at.....

it sounded simple.....

agree to it......

and with too many people or smthing cause again you couldnt see the faces of people aorund just that lot of sound with people talking walking around and he calls your name the his name karelyyyyy.... some room and on the other corner with him standing pointing towards his hands it was after meals thing...... and people around in the room and you show him in ishaara and him ishaara back at you to just wash his hands.....

just that one face i sweaaaaaaaaaaaaaar charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

THAT one face he makes and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it just pulls you awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to him like you wouldnt care a thing bout anything els ein the world which you anyway dont when it comes to Him..... but that one face he makes and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it pulls you off and awaaaaaaaaaay to him.....

go closer and him coming closer to you and you take his hands in yours and thats when you see your hands completely covered in mehendi those dulhan type of hands with toooo many bangles still with no nail color his way again but with fully covered menehdi hands and washing his hands away under the tap...... and him watching you that adooooooooooooooooooooooooorably as he keeps his head over your shoulders and gives you instructions over to clean the other finger too..... like his hands were clean already but that adoooooooooooorable way of his love to make you stay longer that way with him.....

to just live that visual of his hands in yours and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him over  your shoulder watching you awaaaaaaaaaaay !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIFE i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to there were many other times like you live that same visual over n over again like dreaming of the same visual like it happens many times or it ws the same visual.... for the first or second time prollu when you dont remember what exactly it was cause you were drunk last two days agains mthing for the first time drinking two days se oopar oopar.....

pata nai yaaa charlie never felt this way before......

the misseeeeing thsi strongly bad and then oopar se to just seeeeee him THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT close to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and not be able to hold him awaaaaaaaaaaaaay to not be able to touch him.......

malooom merku mera he wish thaa whooo dooorse bhi dik jaana bolkeee but ab naiii malooom thaaaaa charlie aisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lagtaaaaaaa bolkeee......

to seee him that THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT close to you and not be able to feeeeeeeel him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

to that moment when someone calls his name from other room and you wake up......

 

Beauty of some moments...

be it the sound of his words last nite or just that visual of his  hands in yours this morning the waaaaaaaaaay some moments can just stay with you and HOOW !!!!!!!!

packing now seeing your hands moving clothes packing stuff and the waaaaaaaaay all you can see feeeel is his hands !!!!1

that one visual of his beauuuuuutiful hands in yours is all that your mind plays on loop...

again one of those high hoped dreams that you avoid your mind from replaying over n over again and yet cant ignore the beauuuuuuuuuuuty of the simplest of moments...

a moment lived then for real and then to relive it in another beautiful high hoped way after years this morning !!

some moments as lil these and that adoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorableness of Him i swear !!!!!!!!!!

mind that beautifully lost.... in that one visual of his hands...

to think of it now how every lilst of detail of his and you living and loooooooooving every bit of him...

how to just live feeeeel his hands feeel the lil beautiful strands of hair on his hands again most loooved when on drives !!!!!!!!!!!

to start a day like this !!!!!!!!!!!!!

like there are dreams and then there are lilst of moments like these...

leaving you clueless why the mind trips of such high hoped moments and then switches to that just that one visual of his hand in yours...

and that face thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat faaaaaaaaaaaaaaace of his !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you see and all you can see read live is LOVE written all over in the boldest brightest and biggest of letters !!!!!!!!