days on calendar

 Some days on the calendar not sure if you just happy reliving the day or it also makes you realise that's how long it's been!!!!!!

A lil gin high and a lot moreeee him high like u know it wen all you wanna listen to is hindi gaaane that anything to everything that makes you feeeeel all him I sayyyy!!!!

It's the guruu prunima start of the day ting that your mom tungs you with and ever since that very second ayyyaaaaaaa him!!!!!!!

This very day baaaaak then you'd met him at his other place bas!!!!!!

Too many firsts too many feeels it left you with every year this day lil did know naiiiiii!!!!

Ayaaaaa iteeee saaaal nikal jaaate bolkeee lil did you know 

Strange feel but today to just hold this feeeel hold this day away as elfie toh bantaaa nai!

This very day seeing living loving reloving him in his same psychedelic teee toh aaaj meraa wala psychic tee that again is all him for you everytime you wear it and today nust had to!

Smtimws on some days you just donnnooo if it allows you to feel almost feel same happy yaaaa aisaaaa feeeeel dekeeee waosaaaa chalaa jataaaa!

thewaaay trees move

 Another moment of him ths waaaaay the trees move swaaay dance awaaay to wit the breeze is also him......

Ayaaaaaaaa to just live him in things like these i tell you madness pure level of madneas or the gin it is stronger today!!!!!!

This one zeason!!!!!!!!

anybody!

 That sudden ting bolke realisation how he could have any ody at all but you..... no matter where whatsa insta his life anybod but you!kabi lagtaaa ye sab uskuu MSG kiye karte tab yaad kaiki ni rehtaaaaaa!

Anybd in the world but you!

Says it all nai pretty much!!!!!!!

moments like these!

 It's these lilst of things that you still live him in mind a lil high on him n gin and in your place after longest of times cause it all makes you feel him the mostest....

And it rains hair in a bun and that feeeeel of drops on spine or shower it's that feeeeeel smthings give charlie like the sudden brush of rainy breeze over your face that makes you move with the sudden rush of breeze or to just smell this weather now it's all things him all these things have that sense of him that same sense of him that presence of his the waaaay it used to feel to just live him or even that sight of water droplets falling over the leaves how all this your mind sort of tends to visualise and the rest around sort of bkurs away it's just you and that moment and the feeeels it letting you live in that moment.....

His presence even with his absence on whatsapp was that to you!

Isn't it funny and madness absolute madness how your mind sort of seeks for things that could substitute to that feeling of absence just so you feel that feeling of having filled up tat void....

This sudden thought eveytine how could someone hate that very same person they once loved that much!!!!!!

The very presence itself that they can't stand now..

Als9 why this him feels like another guy and that him is that one dream you'd lived just a dream that stayed with you still with you in monents you feel the loneliest in also ironically again makes you feel more lonely once you sense that hint of his presence in smthing to anything!!!!

Mind where to where to i say!!!!!

That one puzzle that will last would be how what did you do that made him hate you your lilst sense of presence this bad!!!!!

 

To move!

 This podcast that you've been listening to bout how to grow from what you go through....it's your peace amidst all the chaos or learning process that youvare going through doing multiple things learning multiple things as you work on from redesigning the space with expansion work under progress to getting the lift work done just right to the gardening bit in the entry way to the lighting ceiling stuff to getting that exact shade of paint right to being a stylist to your own studio and trying to add the bits n pieces for the decor to the collection to be put up all this n more and there is that need of finding that inner peace for a bit and that's when you realize his presence was that to you even be it on whatsapp....

To find him there atleast even without a word said or heard was a feeling of being lil less lonely than how you feel now....it was your moment of smthing that made you feel not this lonely.....and this time specilaly all those months of him hvaing you unblocked and with that lilst of hint of his presence felt smthing as lunatic as it sounds did feel smthing....and when that was gone it was the loneliest you'd felt again!

Now with all this work on hand and this recent find of podcast where not eveyethung they talk share makes sense but it's these bits n pieces that sort of somehow make sense.....

Like for the instance this one thing they talk bout love and holding on as you can't keep holding on to smthing that's always wanting to move away push you away cause that would be you forcing to be there when all they want is your absence and that's best you could do for them if you truly love them.....

The way even listening to it makes you feel how he had always been wanting to keep you away the second you message comes the block that sudden need to be even farther away from you then what's the point to hold on to the things that make you feel otherwise cause those are nothing but the dreams that your mind again fills up for his absence.....

Delete him off and let him move.....

The way it felt you were forcing your presence in his life when he wanted otherwise.....

It's these moments some random thungs that you come across and suddenly feel so wrong bout yourself..... It's wierd the way things some things can make you feel!

It's like eyes shut it's one beautiful dream life you are living breathing in that's with all things yove ever loved and the second you open your eyes and wake up from it it's the same confusion feeling seeing a lil less of yourself it's weird!

Clouds n Him...

 It's this beautifully strange when you suddenly discover or realize the meaning behind love for the things you love, like why do you love what you love so much!

Clouds being another one of those godzili9on things that take you to him, all those Him feels....

Be it the day sky monsoon most specifically or the nite sky like now just to live that beauuuty of the clouds moving at that slow pace almost hypnotic the way it makes you feel makes your mind feel puts you at that beautiful ease without even doing anything to just live that beauty is smthing else just like Him, Him like clouds.....

His eyes his smile his lilst of details the way his hands move the way his eyes gleam with that spark of magic spark of happiness the way he smiles when he finds smthing amusing the way all of him feels even his voice just his voice anything to wveyething him the way it can hold you just wanna stay still and live that beauty of him to just be and live him just be himself no matter what he is doing talking or even norbinf at all just like the clouds to live him in his very essence of self was smthing just like this feeeling of living watching the clouds move this beauutifully slow....makes you feel almost like what it used to be to live him back then!

Even writinf it now everytime you write bout living his actual presence the way now it feels like did it even happen for real ever like he does exist for real or all just the most beautiful dream you'd dreamed of your life...

moments of magic...

 It's when normal days become thus......from finding his place to the place being surrounded with gulmohars,to finding jute chappals as bathroom slippers to that one moment when you fekt the loneliest that nite and were that lost in music that made you feel live him the most under the nite sky and with eyes still shut that one moment where you fekt him felt him chummi you in that very moment you sure know you weren't asleep cause you were switchjng songs you were awake with just eyes shut living that vibe of him with music but in that very moment felt him chummi you for real as crazy as this sounds writing now it did happen.....even now as you were writing and feel this shut eye for a second feel his head over your lap....... The way this moment takes you that moment from the nite there.....

These moments how do you even make somebody understand this!!!!!!

How xo you even say it out loud and still don't sound like a lunatic!!!!!!!

What's this even if not love why couldn't it be still love...

It's like you feel him the most even when the worst sick like you are now since days and this moment still writing him to just feel him in lilst of moments like these......can't lose won't lose moments like these!!!!!

How do you even fill a gap that's already been filled...!

To live with...

 There are a zillion moments even the lilst of one's theoufn your day like the ones in the evening just before stepping out of the studio those few secs on the terrace as the driver takes the bag and sabba stuff away you just stand there and almost evey evening just before leaving there are his white star birds this one pair of white star birds of his that take tat flight over sometime same time around in the evenings almost evey day.....

It's that peace that one moment of peace that you live in that moment cause it pulls you out of the present self and puts you back to that nite laying beside him on your terrace as he talks bout those very same birds and watches them fondly with that smileeeee on him calling them flying star birds at nite....how they appear like flying stars acrosz the sky.....to just live him in that moment charlie and everytime that sight of those birds in the evenings or nite it's Him from that moment for you!

To random places random sound finding someone similar to him to your eyes chasing hoping it's him hoping to see him to just finding chikudkayi this often in your dabba cause your mom thinks you actually love it it's the sight sound of anything to do with him and he is with you.....

How do you fill that gap with somebody else how do you lean over some other sh9uldwr where you still find his in moments like these.....

It's this inner world of yours that you don't wanna come out or lose it in anyway possible.....

As crazy as it sounds it just is the way it is.....what still never makes any sense is why still dream the things you dream his tree dream for instance when on father's day your manager knew you'd say no to the father's day post on your business page and she doesn't post it only the next day you realise it was father's day it's that feeling now ever since him the best dad possible in the world...he would make the bestest dad !!!!!!

He was to you and you still live that glimpse of him of his that beauuuutiful side in that very same tree dream of yours....when that dream strikes it shakes you in the worst way possible!

Who hota nai charlie you can still miss in a certain way but when you live that side of someone knowing the reality who bhi in the dream when you still do, it makes you question why still!

These dreams sometimes don't make sense but maybe in a way letting you kive that side too....

This thing bout writing out some moments and the way they feel different when writing out feels more.....than just a moment!!

It's like people see you walking alone but there is you in your head still living him in those very moemnts.....even when you were walking arohnd the property cause of the lush green beauty of it and then when you realize it was one of his places the waaaaay the place just felt different.....his music and just you living that beauuuutiful rush of him with couples around people waling in out.....you in a world of your own!

How do you even make anybody make sense of this world you are living in still feeling living the things you still do....still living the dreams you do!

When everything else in your life feels most sorted than it ever has been before and yet the only thing that mattered the most in your life, isn't...

Moments!

 Some places or actually any place of his does that to you.....lil did you know you would land on a Sunday in one of his places that you jad no idea back then where he even was taking you what place n all only years after you land there on a Sunday ......

To just be standing there living that moment of realisinf how he was right there sitting right there with that much love for you just there that close to you , living that moment there or writing it now the waaay it all feels like one dream that you'd lived him his love for you like it all feels like one big dream like almost he doesn't exist for real kinda dream.....

The stay there was that beauuuutiful once in the room the balcony surrounded with gulmohars just turned into one dream stay....call out for an extra bed to jsut be able to sleep closer to the window just so you could live that vibe of sleeping under the sky....the day was beauuuutiful with his music playing Him rushing all through yih right from the start lilst detail of him to the nite turning the loneliest you'd ever felt.....

Things you avoid living feeling cause you know the waaaaay it can leave you with....

The morning with that one conversation with your mom over mornng chai....

Afyer years when she talks bout him prolly....when the first thjng she says is how she always felt he was more mature than you more understanding than you...also why he made sure about this distance not seeing you not keeping in touch with you cause he was sure bout not wanting you.....and that one pause you don't say a word and then goes n talking bout how sooner or later you'll realize you do need a man in your life just so incidents like these don't happen in future it's when they think a woman is all by herself these things happen and you shoud take it seriously and shit!

How do you make sense of smthing when it does make sense in the alternate reality of life.....like the present self it makes sense but how do you fill that thing that gap in your life when you are already living it with him, in another world in your head....

The place....

Suddenly when the weather sort of was all painted away with evey hue of monsoon....

Once there the lounge area checking in done to the room baggage done and that need to look around and this walkway with thise familiar big big pebble thing look up from there and that viewwwwwwwww of the sky above with star leafed trees around that was LOVE at first sight in a blink.....to just take those 360 degree turns away looking up was LOVE felt after the longest time possible!!!!!

Just that sight of those trees that rush of the wind rustle sound of the leaves and that slow sound of house music playing at a distance..... as you walk under that green star lit sky that familiar sight of the breakfast lounger area those vintage fans music playing and that rushhhhhhh of Him sitting at the table looking at you in that very moment with his sister right beside him mentioning bout bringing someone over earlier much before you and you were too lost in him to even ask care of why it even mattered.....all that mattered was Him in that moment that moennt of living that lil world of your own moment as he just looks you in the eye with taht one siganture smile smileeeeeeee of his being held away!!!!!!!!

Even writinf it now goooosebumps!!!!!!

Some moments!!!!!! Just like that!!!!!! Touched!!!!!!!!!!

Sooooo yah!!!!!!

The place where only he could order dal makhni with ravioli asking you to try things the untraditional way and her sister mentions bout him bringing some other girl iver same place back then before yiu and leaves it at that waiting for you to ask her the full story.....

But its that thing with trusting your love charlie.....back then you were so dead sure bout him and his love for you not being tainted away with anything or what come may.....like you were that dead sure bout the only thung in your life that mattered you!!!!!

Lil did you know!!!!!!!!

So it dint matter then cause ij that very moment the way he was living that one moment with you with that music playing in the background jsut smiling at you like he always knew that's all that mattered to you, his love for you...like even in that moment he that beauuuutifully knew if he did that if he lived that moment with you nkthing else would even matter....just that happens!!!!!!

It's that beauty of love charlie, when you have it live it love it that way find it that way what happened before doesn't really matter cause you are that sure of the love thatz when it doesn't really matter cause you are that sure it won't change no matter what.....that moment that conversation with his sister with Him was all n more bout that....

Much after that on your way back just him n you dropping you back home the first moment soon as his sister steps out takes the turn and that one look from him that one smileeee that one beauuuutiful pause plays some song over and then asks you you don't wanna ask anything and you just nod away and that one usual habit of his putting his arm out for you to lean over his shoulder.....

Writing some moments can be the worst way most beauuuutifully worst way possible difficult than when you'd relived it in your mind.....why writing out makes it this painfully difficult and yet beautiful ti live with...

The time...

 Back then finding him finding love knowing love never for even a sec did you ever think you'll be losing it losing him and would have spend all this while missing him missing his love and then finding him in his very places that you were that lost living him in.....

Abhi jabhi aise moments hote charlie this one feeeeeeling every single time maybe this is why you were living him THAT bad in his places in those very moments jsut so you could still live him even now in your present and in his absence.....

Last week was in a way reality check when you sort of felt very unsafe when had to hire another driver instead of your usual one as the one was away in village and thus one was a temporary one and some misbehave shit worst way possible shook you up disturbed you worst way possible after many years.....

That's when your mom suggests to take a day off off work and decide for the closest way to work possible was wtt a staycation thing at Hayatt....

Of all the places in Hyderabad it had to be this one who bhi on a Sunday!

Ultil the second you were there you had no idea it was one of his places.....

This beauty charlie it's like evey corner around you is that beauuuutifully laced with anything to everything Him....every corner inside you around you that beauuuutifully laced with him!!!!!!

Some sounds!

 Music and the more you talk say it out loud define ezoress the less it'll always be.....

Just the things it can do to your mind is beyoooond words...just that vibe that one beauuuutiful vibe it engulfs you away in way beyond words...all of a sudden you areoff n away from the present world with every beat sort of drifting away from the reality and creating this inner world of your own to lose and find yourself back in.....the real you away from the existential you!!!!

This feeeeel with this one sound on loop cause it pretty much sings away the essence of your life and how!!!!!

Dont wanna lose my past lock my head away just so I don't lose my past at all!!!!!!

The time of your life the past of your life that pretty breathes through your present...

Last few days with food poisoning been the worstest sickest possible today watchjnf smthing random and thus one song playing and that feeeeel it everytime brings along with.....

How much you really gottaaa love smthing for it to be the only thing you've loved that much in your life...

some days!

 Just this strong smthing rushing through you ever since the start of the day today.....just this smthing that you thus strongly feel it's that strong pull that smthing wordless that you can't make sense of, smthing to do with him but you still just donnoooo what it is why you feelin this way it just is...

Ever since the start of the day today!

Even now as you watch smthing his music playing and you are almost well more than half asleep and yet this smthing that you this strongly feel.....

Smthings or maybe anything to do with Him actually is just beyond you or logics or your own senses......just is the way it is!

This thing that always makes you wonder why still feel this way when you knowwww!

And whoo bhi like this with this kinda impact feel vibe or whatever it is to just feeeeeeeeel this that you've been feeling since morning!!!!!