The walk!!!!

 When it gets too much feels this need to be out at this hour and ayyyaaaa freezzzzzing cold but this beauuuty of last few winter nite chills.....

Know a decade has passed by but today even now as you relive all of it over again with his music and sitting in one corner this beautifully quiet.....it's all changed soo much....

Rohit Himaja his cousins she still has the same face but that grown up....chachi chachu after years his sister married now his family there each one memories attached.... moments lived!

Time it was the most beautiful time of your life.......

The memories the moments lived sharing living his world living him and most of all living his love just for you!!!!!!!!!

How lucky you truly did get his very lucky!!!!!!!

To relive all of that today in this moment seems feels so unreal like if it all did happen for real!!!!!!

Like really real!!!!!!

Mind just feels this beautiful reliving it all visuals I say places they can make all the difference.....like literally pulls you out of your present reality and puts you right there like you are there standing there reliving it all in that very moment... almost movie like!

Howleeeeeeeeee You adooooorable lil big beauuuutiful thing I say!!!!!;;

Missed and HOWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

His smile!!!!!

 There are a zillion things moments versions of his from that day lilst of moments and there was that one moment from today to just see him smile pataaa naii kyaaa kyu howwww just the way it makes you that THAT happy!!!!!!

Ever since those first few days with you when he did start to smile ayyyaaaaa the waaaaay it always used to make you feeel tjat happy andaar see you donno still donno how or why just to see him smile ayyaaaaaa it's that different very different level kind of khushi that you feel from within its very different charlie....

Just that happy to see him smile.....it's that smthing innocent childlike smthing to it it's that THAT beautiful......

Like your heart out there standing in jeans n tee smiling away wali feeeling!!!!!

His daaaaadi his hair him being his adooooorable most self just by being him still can't playing it watchjng it on loop smthings!!!!!!!!!!

Cant get over !!!!!!!!!!!

Like you just can't!!!!!!!!!

Try your best to get a hold on but ayyyaaaa the waaaay he looks that place filled with your best memories!!!!!

One of your many best memories with him!!!!!!!!!

This feeeeeeeling even as you relive n write now!!!!!!!!!

Time n places2!!

 From that dream from that moment of living him from that close feeling his presence that THAT close that close ki again it made you feel that really real like he was actually there and you actual mein lived that moment with him actually heard him say all that to you!

That real shakes you up cause that's how amazed you were and that first need to check his insta cause that's what you'd been doing yesterday waiiiitinf for him update his story knowing his love for this day with his cousins that they do every year on sankranti flying kites and his gaming nite with them....

Wake up with that shake and the first thing you see that beloved round red circle and that khushii charlie that one sec of immediate khushii fataaaak se hit it....

Him pink Floyd t ayyyaaaaàaaaaaaaaaaa sooooo soooooo beauuuutifully adoooooorable !!!!!!

It was the same place maybe a floor or two higher with those terraces around that same seating corner with the mat.....him flying the kite to hearing his voice after years YEARS !!!!!!!!!

The worst thing apart from being technologically challenged with the first iphone is losing his chat and voice notes all of them!!!!!

It's all blank and gone.......

But that feeeel again yet another one of those firsts of your life was with Him....learning how to use an iPhone him showing you the same!!!!!!

Today this morning just that one word that voice of his to just hear him charlie kaise nai sometimes the lilst of moments you live actually make you realize till that moment how bad you really missed it.....like that bad to just hear him...

The place just to look arohnd in that story was like yesterday just yesterday you were there same corner almost same day living that beauuuuty of his love for you THAT much love for you!!!!!!

The way some visuals can make you feel is beyond words.....it's like all your life just flashed through you right before you in that moment a decade just like that...

Is why when you love you must make the most of it every lil moment lived spent with em make the most of it to not let anything else ruin it for you not give any other negative vibe more power than what you share what love you have....to just love and make the most mostest of it every single moment you have!

Cause you never know!!

That one adooooooooorableeee human just like that HOW just like that did become this much almost all of it I say!!!!!!!

It's like one visual and THAT many memories that many versions of him lived in that very single day....to him actually taking you for gola cause that very day some conversation and you tell him how much you loved it and the very same nite instead of heading home takes you to the gola place wit his sister and cousins.....

Apart from the many adooooorable moments there that one most adorabke thing dream lived, but iske baal brown nai hai when asked bout a kid of his own and the way he talks bout curly hair and his sister mentions bout brown hair and he says but karely has black hair n not brown.....and now strangely you do have brown hair!!!!!

Smthings you didn't wanna write also the very things that need to relive them as you write....

Like it took you that many hours of hiding away drom your own mind at work getting that busy just so you don't feel that much miss that much....

 But nai hua charliee.....

Kitaaa try kariii nai hua!!!!!

These places of his your most loved best moments of your life lived right there.....kaise hota!!!!!!

Time n places...

 Places have this thing bout em charlie....

Like over the years of his absence you've sort of discovered this new way of life of living...in a way making it better lil better for yourself.....

Filling up his absence with his n smtimes with his places on special days....one of those most loved dates on the calendar is when that need to be in his place arises.....

Like it just fills up smthjnf in you that's way beyond logic....or reality!

Off late it's Sunday's that you look forward the most for cause recently it's like almost every Sunday becomes a Youday when he uploads some story with a pic of his again your way of filling up feel of having met him....as crazy as it sounds.....

And otherwise it's festival or anything special or even not special it's that wait to see him..... knowing very well knowing it's the wrongest of things you are doing literally stalking him which he never does.....not a single story of yours and that pretty much says it all bout you and everything to do with you!

But there are days charlie thwre are dreams moments that you live that sort of pull you back and away from the reality of it all and sort of makes you believe in that alternate reality that's completely different and stark opposite to the actual one...like literally makes you sit down and make believe of it.....and in that moment you get drawn away and how and actually go with it cause that's the beauty sheer beauty of such moments n dreams...you just can't help but flow sway away off n away to the way they make you feel.....

Exactly the same vibe was this mornings dream to again your way of literally waking upto him...

Almost!!

Mornings...

 Mornings like these, saving it up away!

Some days when you cant write too much or all, best said is with visuals!

It's the lil smthing that can make a helll lot of a difference...

This morning that Him, was all n more bout it!!!!!

It's this feeeeeeeling charlie smtimes if only all these mornings were for real like really real wala real not the real in your mind that you think it is...but actually real mein!

String of memories!

 Why do you feel the way you do why the dreams why or how do you feel smell his presence even after the waking up how is he there in the dream that very dream same morning the way you slept missing him as....cause yiy did Google the Google out asking if thwre was a thing like you think bout smthing and the same thing comes as a dream there is a theory to that but it never is in the form of continuation of smthing of some moment of some missing!

Cause he comes in a way of continuing the moment missed as mad as thus sounds writing it out loud but is exactly like this and for this there's no answer why or what!

Also why the reality of it after waking up gets you all the more lost!

Like this mornings too!

And then here he was his story the visual of gulmohar and today being the Youday of all days.....his sister her husband and there he was pink Floyd tee looking adooooooooooooooooooooorable hair tied up jeans sleeves folded just like yours even as you live him through the pic that beauuuutifully adorable echo of his voice kya jeans haii the wAay he pulls you closer and checks the fold filled with dirt n stones and tells you how messy you were alter karane nai hota and there was you living that Him from back then cause in that moment the waaay he pulled you closer was just like he used to back then to dustingaway the fold to getting mad at you for being messy that one tone of his voice you did hear for the first time after bup.....

It's that one tone charlie that one tone different than the normal tone of his voice it just feels like looooooveee his loooooooove in the most adooooorable form possible that one tone of his voice when he gets mad at you that way or corrects you over smthing that one tone of his voice- pure looove!

Where roooo where only it's going!!!!!!!

Also why you rather stay and live than write cause this feeeeeeeling it fills you with as you write n live him!!!!!!!

The sound of place could be the same one his mom was at back then cause he did mention bout it then and made you speak to aunty......

It's how it just connects charlie like as you click through the images it's like pages of a story...

His mom his sister him talking bout some day taking a pic of you against the backdrop of gulmohars some day that very day itself to just live him with that echo of his voice as all of him rushes through you!!!!!

And all it took was one visual one moment shared...!

Kabhi soche thoo lagta charlie how is it that just that one person becomes almost everything to you......right from that very first walk towards you, just like that...!

Anything to everything to do with em can make you feel this way LIKE THIS the way you are feeling right now...

Mehboooobabad2

 Just that need to see him get on insta to see that yellow him cause if on whatsapp you sure knew it will be the pending conversation with ur manager and instead get on insta and thatvone red round again which you did see before the next day of new year's prolly and skipped checking on with that thing bout from now on you won't bolke....

But today it was a strangely beautiful smthing charlie that one pull you did feel in that moment like smthing just moved in you made you move away get away from it all.....it's just that smthing that one pull!

And as you see that round that very moment see it and the first visual itself it's thia thing charlie when you feel smthing the most the mostest and see smthinf related to it like it's there there it sort of strangely weirdly madly feels like it was an answer sort of smthing...or maybe it's just you connecting the missing or the misseeeing dots more like it.....

It was the THE gulmohars!!!!!!

On his page smthing bout the THE gulmohars for the first time and the word on it was of a place but not like how it's spelt as also one of those moments when you feel like a fool foolish version dumber version of Sherlock Holmes....

Instead of mahbubabad it was mehboooobabad!!!!

The boob difference does it all!!!!! 😆

On a more beautifuller note it was gulmohar smthing anythubg to do with gulmohar for the first time.....

That one visual becomes everything cause that also was one visual that pretty much changed it all for you , you and your life..the start of Him in your life...!

It's like a zillion memories lived zillion moments lived zillion versions of him n his love for you lived in that one visual of gulmohar posted by Him...

Flashes of all Him rushing through you as you just be living that one visual cause there were more but like that very first one just held you away and HOW!!!!!

Mehboooobabad!

 Working on the usual monthly bills being first week of the month and finalizing the lot of final men's wear with your manager.....

And there's that sudden smthing like that one moment where you go completely blank in tt sec even as you are talking....get off and to your place and call it a day ask the manager to head back home and will talk tomorrow stay in your place wit her still usual saying smthing n you just had to leave.....

Up the volume of his music and just be this thung bout winter nites charlie can never get used to, cause every single time it makes you shiver like this with the chill it takkea you back to those calls with him late nite to early morning calls this time of the year every year.....

Covering up with every possible thing that you could lay your hands on from the balcony and sitting there in the corner talking to him.....

Till morning!

TIME!!!!!!

smthings you recall and write and this feeeeeeeeeeeeling it fills you with!!!!!!

Kaise naii smthings aisee ekdumm see yaad karke likhe thoo this ajeeb feeeel it suddenly now filled yiy with....

Lile you live it every nite almost in your place is one thing but now as you live it and write it is one thing......the way this feeeels more beautifulky worse than just living it.....!

Visuals!

 On your way to work this one bike smoothly moves ahead and that same blue hoodie that he was wearing in that pic of his on insta side se had daadi too and that one search again ask the driver to move ahead it wasn't even his bike that's prolly not how he would sit too but there's that logic bit and the heart bit whete all of you waiting moving to see that one glimpse of his hoping it's him one side to the other and as the guy turns wasn't him....

It's that beauty ironic beauty of that moment where you already were lost in his music looking out just blankly staring away and that one slow smooth moment passes by and that you it leaves with and everytime after a moment like that one spent searching for him the afterfeels is smthing else....

It's that re realisation charlie how much you wanna just see someone to just live them door se bhi for a sec hoping it's him like the way it moves you looking around waiting for someone to turn to just know if it is him and when finally you reakIe it's not that one feeeeeel charlie, yet again!!!!!!

That THAT close!!!!!!

To this hour of your day that you look forward to the most post work post everything else away from it all and closest to where you feel the most you...

His music playing working on smthing in your place with the chill in the air and to just be.....

It's this flow of Him that you feel like you could be just working his music playing and yet it's these flashes of him through memories any memory out of nowhere and while still working the waaaay the mind just moves sways away with it flows with it...

Its the present moment still at it but all of you on tbe inside is on a way of its own.....like whoo hotaaa nai kar kuch aur rahe and that all you on the inside is on another trip only!

Bas same to same!!!!

Where to whrreee only it went!!!!!

This mind today in this moment now!!!!!!!!

Smthing else in the longest of times...!

Opinions and life...

 Doubts opinions like the more minds they are the more they think or have opinions bout anything to everything...

And there's that heart of yours you listen to smthjnf shakes u up disturbs you for a bit sort of drifts you away it all happens but there's that point charlie that one turn when it just knows where who it'll come back to what does it want to come back to.....cause it's always been this way you maybe upset mad lost over it wondering bout your existence importance in somebody's life if you at all even exist for them..The opinions echoing through you the words spoken which shouldn't have cause it was your birthday after all like there is that outside big chaotic world that you keep running away from going closer to the work just so you don't have time for the rest.....and there's that moment waking up and sleeping with that's your calm that's where you belong long for just so you can get away from the outside and closer to where your heart feels the most home at.....

Waking up to tht smell of his his presence that in a way assures you of smthing that still doesn't make sense of cause it's days on calendar when the wordls wishing away and you doubt your existence like always....

Blame it all on expectations nnd go on with the usual!

And then all it takes is that one moment one visual and there goes your heart again!

That one tinggggggg that one string of your heart tingggggg bolke and gone again!!!!!!!!!

It's this feeeeeeeling charlie some visuals can fill you with even without gin its like you are floating away walkin on the cloud wali feeeeeling it's a mix of pain hurt and lots of HIM!!!!!!

Its just thus beauuuuuuuuuutiful mix of khushi that you are feeling right now!!!!!!

THAT one for LIFE!

 It's that thing bout the heart charlie when it knows it just knows no matter what happens on the outside or around , what and when your heart knows it knows for sure!!!!

There maybe a war happening outside and around of you but what and how your heart feels on the inside bout smthing or someone it just knows...nothing no one can possibly change that!

Cause it just knows...!

Last few weeks have been the worst ever for you like that worse back then wiy bup was a worse and after that last few weeks have been more like difficult to deal with....

And then thwre is that inner struggle to hold back to take those steps away and back from him to start with to stop watching his stories waiting to see him to live him cause it's only been getting worse the more you lived him....

And then there was the mind opener shit that hit you weeks back that sort of shook you up to the realities of it, real side of it...like wakeup and think kinda thing!

It was all just messed up and then there is work thank god for it today being a working sundya too becomes again the Youday for you and HOW!!!!!!!!

This feeeeeeeling now again where your heart takes over and HOW!!!!!!

just that one moment that one walk through the doors of the gym is all that took for Him to become that one only one for life for you!

Jus that one walk through the door towards you and never did leave after that and never will...