THIS you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 this you this state of you all of you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

kaisaa go gayi thiii malooom chalie with his growing absence lik u were numb codnt feeeeel a damn thing !!!!!!!!

lik anything of this dint even exist this feeeeeeeeeelin this starnege starnge wishes that used to happen wih him.......

wishin awaaay wh that gin botlle today and thinkin of it now !!!!!!!!

has always been him.......

knowing it all kabhiii it feels wong toooo....... lik u knoowwwwwwww u shoudndt be and yettttt wohiiiiii thoooooo naiiii maloooooooom jab naiiiiiiii feeeeeeeel karrriii thooooo the waaaaaaaaaaay he si coming off late............. the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay his pesence feeeels that strooooooooongly lik that stronglyyyyyy lik u actuaaaaalllllllllllllly met him for real.........

lik dil naiiii hotaaa malooom to just take it to be a dream cossss thats how strong his presnec efelt even after waking up......... lik on ur hands over u around u lik u can feeel his presence eveb much after wking up.... lik 

the after it through the daay lik u try to make sense of it all all of this is happeneing ekdum seeee lik which side to go with........

the mind that feeeels with the eyes shut or the relity that looks through the eyes open....

its that one swaaaaaaaaaaay of a aaaaadream chalieeeee...........

like he holds u awaaaaaaaaaay all of u awaaaaaaaaaay with that one swaaaaay lik he used to for real and then fall with u holding u on thened.....

its that one swaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he lebes u with.......

the mind that beuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully high on him refusing to even go with therelity.....

lik uve beeeeen strugggglig to get yourself back to normla sinc yetsday it did get a lilllll better then today this morning happpeeeeeend againnnnnn ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one beuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of hs presence i telll uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu !!!!!!!!!

whoooooo uthkeeeee jooo bed se neeche utarneee ka mannn he nai kartaa chalieeeee.......

lik u wannnaaaa stay with that hihg for longer in ur mind him still there overu rpillow lik u stay that waaay takin those longer sniffs awaaaaay....

staying with that vibe of his presence much after the waking up ooo !!!!!!!!!

he did change you in the most beuuuuutiful of ways posssible !!!!!!!!

apart from the usual changes like it ws makingurself meeet the real you with Him..... cause of him with him !!!!!!!!!!

this you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee YOU were misssed ahgain like nenevr before !!!!!!!!!!! 

 

bhotttttttt bhottttttttttttthest yaaaaaaaad yaaaaaare tummmmmmmmm miyaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The switch !!!!!

 to n fro from work ever since that dream !!!!!!

thaaaaast one feeeeeeeeeelin !!!!!!!

again never felt that waaaaay befoe.....

lik u keep changin how to sit lik ineeeeeee switchhhh on karkeeee gayaaaaa ab iskuuuuuu off kaiseeeee karu !!!!!!!!!!!!

lik initially u were smilin a lottt cos ur mom manager noticed it rit through the mask sayin ur eyes were smilin waaaay tooo muhc lik seen u smilin that way after very long...

n it ws for real !!!!!!!!!

lik u just couldnnnt stop !!!!!!!!!

whooo hotaa nai chalieeee theres that relity n then theres that world that u are literallllllllly drawn towads.... lik u smell him first that clos et o u on ur pilllow and the waaaaaaay it that smoooothly slowlly pulls you towards him closer to himmm even wit ur eyes shut....

lik u that baaaaaadly wanna seee him n alos know u move n he disappears.....

its lik u can stillllll deal with his dreams any other waaaaaaay but this waaaaaaaay the waaaaaaay it makes u happyyy and also with that thing hitting u after why !!!!!!

its that hopeee chalieeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that big of aaaaaa hope that you stpped living !!!!!!!!!

alsooooooooooo that u have no conrtol over !!!!!!!!!!!

that one dream and the waaaaaay it changed all of u awaaaay to the same similar one this morning..........

and yet againn this mind i tell you uuuu !!!!!!!!!

it started with him lived with him and after him it sort of was smthing was hidden awaaaa deepm inside.....

and again with him with that one pic one dream of his ...............

and HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ur mind this you now his skin lik u can still smell him the waay his daaadi felt his hand holding u his arms covering you away lik that strong of a presence................ u know u shoudldnt be writinn but allso the waaaaaaaaay onlyyyyyyy way you can get this misssin out lik a aprt of it out.... hopin it gets better hopin it goes to back its hiding again !!!!!!!!!1

cause this mind i telllllllll uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu itsonlyyyy gettttin this beuuuuuutifullyyyyyyyyy worse...................

ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one him i sweaaaaaaar !!!!!!!!!!!!!

isnt this stargenely beautiful chaliee to think of it now...........

wen otherwise this u same u dosnt feeeeeeeeeeel a single damn thing nothin at all and anything to do with him and this you now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE pic !!!!!!

 seeing liivn looooving adoooooooooring his pictures for years now has been there like forever now !!!!!!

but this time was like the first time ayaaaaaaaa smthingsssss you knoooooooww you shouldnt be writin out n yet thissss !!!!!!!!!

soooooooooo yyyyyyah !!!!!!

thi time his this yellowwwwwwww gorgeously handosmely adooooooooorable pic lik the initial hit of missing hit you lik enothin else of his pics did which also by the way feeels the same eveyime !!!!!!!!

but this timeee the after of it was rather differrrrrnt and enevr before kinda thing !!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the very next monin the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he did comeeee !!!!!!

dreamm i mean!!!!!!!!

uneeeeee asiaaaaaaaaaa kabiii ni ayaaaa chalieeeeee lik u remember tunrin to that smell of his that closeeee to you and that neeeed to chek dheere even before opening ur eyes poora u couldddd feeeeeeeel him hold u awaaaay all of you awaaay just lik he did zillion time back then in versova meeet.....

ayaaaaaaaa this thing bout wntng to write n u know u cant write it all......

lik u seeeee him lik actualllllllly seee him cause this time it wsnt a white shirt blue sirt or kuch bhi at al.... lik u felt hm his presence his looooveeeeee lik u could feeeel that strongly lik he ws there to make u feeeel that love of his li making u feeel that presence of his like he is there and u try to move or smthing n doesnt let u ..... lik the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay his presence elt  that morning dint feeel lik just a drem cause the after of it the wakin up of it from then till this morning has beeeeeen differeneet lik never befoe kinda thing...........

its that sid of you that awkens with that side of his love for u.......

its that thing chralie lik this u after that him that side of him is waaaaaay toooooooooo diffficult to deal with to calm down or hide aay back in again...........

its lik the you that suddenly did come alive...... where the waking up the day the misssing him the mind the atte of you after that presence of his you donnooooooo how to hide back away from.....

how do you get back to normal........

it ws a presne you lived afer what feeels like decades now....

been waaaaaaaay tooooooooooooo toooooooooooo long since you felt that way.........

waaaaaaaaay toooooo long since you felt him that way !!!!!!!!!!!

its like you look at urself in the morrir and shy away from ur own mind kinda you this feels like !!!!!!!

its the mind chalieeeeee you cant hide away frm..........

this state of mind tht presnec of his left you wit........

as the high gets a lil mor subtle now there were moments of hat wierd madness wher you acually were rubbing the gin bottle with thse woshes cos the bottle too losk beautiful......

first rub n u wish to just see him second rub and u wish to see him talkin mthing with more rubs the mind i tell you...... to just chummmi him to just touch him to just hold him..to just/1111111

 like the more secs u spend with the bottle with the mind that beauuuuuutifulllllllllly high on him the more wierderly beutiful n wild the wishes got !!!!

its this you that u are not use dto and then when this happenes u also donnoooooooooo how to deal with this u..... hw to calm ur own mind away !!!!!!

how to not feeeeeeeel the waaaaaaaaay u are feeeeelin now !!!!!!!!!!

its wird chalieeeee knowing it all and yet feeeelin this way !!!!!!!!!

never happeepnd with any pic of his few days and it will be the most looooooooooved month of ur life its like tooooo many emitions rushing through you and there he is that adoooooooooooooooorably sitting awaaaaaay not knowing any f it !!!!!!!!!!!

this timeeee he dint even block and now allll the more reson u eeep going back living him with this mind of yours............

ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa the same similar kindaaaaaaaaa presence this moning tooooo......

the waaaaaaaaaay it leves you with talking to ur ownself talkin  to him after waking uupppppp kaikuuuuuuu aiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee aaaare tummmmmm!!!!!!!

its the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it feeesl even after aking up chalie lik u can feeeeeel his presence his smell that strongly lik you for sure know completeley pooora awke and uet you can feeel his touh on yoru hand his smell arund n over........

you just donnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

One of those things!!!

 charlieeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is there really a thing like set of limits t hat you can get thaaaaaaaaat silly in love !!!!!!

 like you knoww its loooooveeeeeeee an ironic one whooo bhi of all and yet you can get thaaattttt loooooow baaaaaaad maaaaaad silly in loooooveeee i say !!!!!

like you know lose your own sense of reality and instead flyyyyyy by yyyyyyyy swaaaaayyyyyy by the alternate reality that you live through sleep through //111111

ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa THEEEEE mornings its beeeeen offff late !!!!!!!!!

againnnn one of those first timeeeers that you are feeeeeeelinnn liivviiiiiiinnnnnnn throughhhhh i say !!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa alllllllllllll the feeeeeeeels i sayyyyyyy!!!!!!!

but first selfieeeeeee actuallyyyy ginnnfieee from now on thooo bantaaa cause a mornin like this one off late mornings like theseeee and the highhhhhhhhh they are leving you with is tootaaalllyyyyyy out of thisplanet i say !!!!!!!!!!!

ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty n the stateeeeee of you tht it left you with !!!!!!!!!!!

one fotoooooooo for the first time eveeeeeer n the historrryyy of feeeeeeeels never been like this felt like this lived like this before !!!!!!

 never happened before never before with a ziillllion of pics of his and this tiem feeeeels this diffff !!!!!!

this diffeeeeeernt lik never before !!!!!!!!!!!!!

what or how !!

 to think of it now !!!!!!!!! 

it still feels this beautifully different.... 

you mostly see feel hear of things like these in the movies....

or when it sthat new love thing you feel this thing !!

like you know the world feels more good things get better it all just feeels soooo good.....

but today was different after a very long time....

to  think of it you just saw him in the picture and yet it feels thi sbeautifully different.....

like even on your way it again got late today and yet the evening felt this beautifully differnt it wasnt gloomy or dark it was just that beauuuutiful....

the street lights looking brighter the traffic lights looking happier like everything around just that beauuuuuuutiful....cause ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i saw HIM charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after all these months years of searching chasing people hoping to find that sec of him in some corner in some traffic in some building in some one random to finally just seeing him looking that same adooooooooooooooooooooooorable sexy gorgeous him it was the waaaay he was sitting those flashes of you cooking for him in his kitchen with him on the kitchen top legs folded same way to those days of him waiting for you to finish your breakfast at your place sitting on yoru bed that same way to just that smileeeeeeeeeeee of his ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one HIM has my complete heart everything on him i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that one him for you in the world just that one HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

strange no charlie sometimes people dont even realize how truly lucky did they get !!!!!!!!!!!

THAT lucky !!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa to just live him !!!!!!!!!!!

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tummmmmmmmm aur bhiiiiiiiii zoooooooor zoooooooooooooooooooooooor seeeeee yaaaaaaaaad aaaare miyaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that moment..........

when the day that beautifully tied up when just bout to get off the car down the parking lot at your place and on the radio it goes tumhari begum begumpet see miyaa....

again that beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful echo of his voice from back then calling you razaakh ki begum !!!!!!! 

some days and this beauuuuuuuuuutifully changed it all i say !!!!!!!!!

all it took and obvsly had to be just Him.....

thinking of it now as you write this feeeeeeeling this state of mind out ayyyaaaaaaaa pic dekeee ye haaaaal hua agar saaamne dik jaaataaa thaaa toh !!!!!!!

kya hotaaaaaaaa thaaaaaa ki !!!!!!!!!!!!!

After Si, it was C...!

 to just come home to those flashes of him those beauuuuuuuuuutiful different versions of Him....

to that realization of how baaaaaaaaaaaaaaadly you were looking for him not to touch hold chummi or anything but to just see him..... even dooor se to just live him for that moment !!!!!!

whoo hota nai charlie there are things you know that well already and then there are these moments wher eyou find yourself living those realities.... and then realize thats how bad you miss him.....

like even for those few secs to just see him did become your ultimate priority.....

knowing he wouldnt want you to knowing the reality of it and yet to just seee him bas !!!!!!!!!

like with that feeeeeeeling of one sec away from HAPPINESS cause you in yoru mind were that close to seein ghim.....

for REAL !!!!

and then to realize like alwasy it wasnt Him.....

still at the mall and yet it makes you look up and say whyy pehle nai boldete it wasnt Him why that hope why that BIGOFAAAAAAA hope !!!!!

this longest time of not having seen him wa smthiing you obvsly werent prepared for or knew you had to....

and the waaaay in those moments it makes you feel that - oneluckiest girl in the world i say !!!!!!

to anybody who gets to live him even passing him by or just share that one glance anything anyway to jus live Him !!!!!!

luckyyy i say !!!!!!!!!!!

to finally today this morning again one of those blurry almost dreams of His wher eyou could feel his dreams too now come with that blur for the first time..... like you dont see him that clear and that was feeeeling all weird cause it was in the dreams now that you were able tto live him from close....

and last two three times you couldnt see him that clear like he was close you could smell him touch him but his facial feaures were all blurry like you coudnt see his eyes clear his face forehead clear like you know know its him but not clera clear types of dream....

on your way to work got late today and looking for this home decor page in your search tab and some bump or smthing and instead of some word you galti se type C and this you did realize last few days or week back that he had unblocked you from both his own acc and his movie acc....

and ever since then you didnt go back to looking at his acc which you did decide back then after seeing that post of his.....

today the sec you see His name acc pop up with that story circle live thing....

that immediate rush to seeeee if he had posted some picture of his or smthing and THEREEEEEEEEEEE he wasssssss ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him that one sexxxxxxyyyyyyyy of himmmmmmmmmm that one adooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorable of Him with that standard adoooooooooooooorably innocent smile of his, he has the most beauuuuuuuuutifully innocent childlike smile charlie.... like you can literally have a kid standing next to him and have them both smile and your eyes will still be glued to His smile like his would deffff feeel more childlike than the kid..... 

that was also one of those first things you noticed when he had just bout started to smile with you in those initial days.... that he had the most innocent smile been a decade now he is a beauuuuuuuutiful handsome sexyily adorable man now and yet that one smileeeeeeeee still the same !!!!!!!!!

that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutifull still the same !!!!!!!!!!

to just that vibe of that picture and like always eveyrthing around those friends of his around eveyething goes blur and you just cant take your eyes off him.....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HIM = LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ultimate level of love that comes with everything........

madness love passion crazy crazy love again tears hurt holding loving again !!!!!!!! like everything that comes with love that has to do with love, Him.....

like you seee him live him cause you could for the longest as you were living him fom your own account also knowing he would block you again after seeing you but for that moment you dint care cause you dint have to rush back to put the fone of some friend and you could just be......

just beeeee living him........

up the volume of his gypsy soul and just live that adooooooooooooooooooooooorableness of him....

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that full grown daaaaaaaaaadi of his the daaaaaaaaaaadi of your dreams literally !!!!!!!!!!!!

the daaaaaaaaadi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from back then !!!!!!!!!!!

that beauuuuuuutifully full grown.....

to that smileeeeeeeeeeeeee of his ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa to that same way of sitting either at his kitchen top or at your place on the bed one leg crossed....

smthings after all dont change...

to that one light right behind looking like the moon the waaaaaay it was lit and him shining the beauuuuuuuutifullest coldplay setting perfect...........

to that sky from teh evening yesterday and you mising him the mostest that same evening on your way back looking at the dark sky with those white fluffy clouds looking like the sea from versova....

back then when you went out with your aunt n all and at the beach evening it was dark beach with just the waves that white crashing by....

that same visual the sky last nite.....

that same backdrop of the pic it had that beauuuuuuuuuutiful vibe like all of it that beauutifully syned with just the waaaaaaaaaay he looked !!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa loooook howwwwwww they shineeeeeeee for Youuuuuuuuuuu !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the sec you see him it was like charlie that very moment your heart popping out of you and getting glued onto all over him....

heart all over HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!

like from that moment on to the rest of the day you couldnt have thanked for the mask enough cause you had that constant smile on you !!!!!!!!!

and nobody would even know could even gues whyy smiling akele akele !!!!!!!!!

it was like suddenly eveything around was just that lit !!!!!!!!!

literally lit !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

even on your way back like the roads looked brighter there is this fly over over Central again with a big C and today that tooooo was that beauuuutifully lit.....

lik you could feeeeeeeel that glow inside n outside.....

like suddenly smthing just changed smthing just moved shifted....

like there was a shift it just changed smthing !!!!!!

and this was the first time you felt this way.....

again smthing from back then when he humms one of your most favracks saathiya ye tune kyaa kiyaa....

the song too had that vibe of lighting up the world with love thing....

today you literally experienced that for the first time....

and that show and when you realize thats HOW much you missed him..........

It was different...!

 to start with the yesterday !!!!!!!!

whowwwwwwwww this writing today the missing out is sure going to be the most difficult !!!!!!

ginnnn ki bhi thodi deer se utar jaaati charlie ayyyaaaaaaaaa but this Him high i tell you !!!

just like always def not going to be easy !!!!!!!!

soooooooo yahhhhh !!!!!!!

this one routine to work living his places on your way back from work reliving his places through the lil lil naps through the jam with his music playing.... and there are a zillion instances when you see some face somebody passing by somebody standing or just random almost every person drivin by to be like him like whooo hota nai yee tho pakkaaa was him like def if you knew how to drive you wouldve been chasing cars trying to find just that glimpse of him....

prolly the only best thing bout the mask on all the time when out knowing you can see Him like if you find him kahii bhi you dont have to hide and can still stand there living him cause he wouldnt know anyway it was you bolkeee..... so yo udont have to hide away cause of the mask on.....

and this has happened quite a few times last two three weeks where you find somebody that exactly similar to him either in the dressing sense or just by the way someone wlaking with their one hand in the pocket or just by the waaaaaaay it just feeeeeeeeels like its him and has you searching chasing people around with that hope wish for that moment where you just might get to see him after years.....

same was the thing yesterday too...

when your manager wants to take the day off early yesterday and asks you if y ou would help her pick some good fragrance for her sisters birthday....

few places no luck and then finallly it was gvk !!!!

one of his places....

 prolly for the first tim ever since this pandemic situation....

get off the car and the first place starbucks back then His ccd place.....

stand there for a bit plugin his music..... that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling evrytime when there....

its been a decade officially now.... everytime still everytime when there like you can that beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully picture him standing right there at the corner where back then it had this slope kinda walkway out from ccd.... downhill him standing there as you run rush back with that bahana of having left your fone back to his sister.... and find him still standing there waiting for you like he was THAT sure youll come back for him charlie that one visual that one moment YOUR LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT was love !!!!!!!!

every moment with him every sec of living Him was defining love in the most beauuuuuuuuuuutiful of ways.....

you dont need that thing of saying hearing a love you in that moment to just live that unsaid unasked for moment with him.... to just be loved by him that way knowing you the mostest of all the people in your life.... like he knew you like nobody ever could or will !!!!!!!!!!!!

that sure you would come back for him and to just find him there waiting for you not a sec more and run to himmmmm literally and hold him awaaay.... that being your first public hug not caring whose around where you are at nothing at all in that moment all that mattered was just Him and that moment.....

the way both of you felt the same bout that moment like smthing just pulled you away from each other..... and that made him wait for you to come back and the same reason you wanted to go back and hold him see him one more time before heading out with his sister ......

soooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!

that one place one of your most favs cause you lived one of your most looooooooooooved moments of life there !!!!!!

once there you already were just that lost in him to the perfume section and trying few and you see someone walk past by and just the side face with daadi there hairdo same johny bravo his style hand in the pocket and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling maybe its him, first you get a lil scared what if he sees you and then look in the mirror and realize ohhh but have the mask on and that khushii charlie to just realize that tinggg that you can chase and actuallly look at him from close too and not have to hide away cause you had the mask on and he wouldnt know its you bolkeee...

before you even realize that guy starts to walk much faster literally slow run behind him to just see him where you a step closer thinking bas almost there any moment youll see him and the more closer you got the  more he felt like its him look wise bu that thing inside you still saying its not him.....

but you wanted to take that chance firstly cause you ha dmask on so you still could and not have to be scared bout him knowing its you and secondly and more imptantly cause its beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen thissssssss long charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

prolly the first time in your life since you hadnt seen him for this long !!!!!!!!!!!!

again smthing you dint know you will have to again one of those things you are never prepared for in life !!!!!!!!!!!!

and it happens !!!!!!!!!!!

finally the guy stops at the watch sectiona nd turns towards you and that was anotehr moment that happened the guy wasnt Him.....

that one sinking feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel charlie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

any word any definition any explanation in detail wouldnt suffice for what and how it felt !!!!!!!!!

cause in your head you were that prepared that sure of seeng him finally after years !!!!!!

like that wait of one sec for the guy to turn and these years of wait was the thing between the two....

and when that one sec of wait shifts back to the years column too - that feeeeeeeeeeeling !!!!!!!!!!!! 

was BEYOND !!!!!!!!!!!!!  

up the volume of his music hoping it calms that tornado inside you down !!!!!!!!

cause that heightsssssssss of missing him to that close sec of seeing him after years to realizing its not him.....

head back to your manager and that first word the guy says is its C and you ask if the guy actually said its C and he repeats again saying its the name of the fragrance by Armani.... 

spray it on your wrist and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling that first smell of Him.....

again how what or why you still donnooo got no clue bout !!!!!!!!

but that sthe beauty of missing and connecting moments charlie....

its like that pull away from it all and closest to that one thing that has your heart and all of you stringed with....

you dont need reasoning whys whats or any justifcation its just that pull that your heart feels connects with....

in that walk of chasing the other guy you lived a zillion n more of his flashes rushing through you.... reliving his walk when out from the washroom after or in between movies with his hair usual habit of his to water his hair away with that gel style sleek look.... and then walking towards you with that look in his eye like suddenly had that different hairdo and was actually style maroing walk bck to you.... with tht swag look on him !!!!!!

to  those walks with him just living your presence beside him holding his hand and that smileeeeeeeeee on him just seeing your hand holding his.... and the waaaaaaaaaay he would look around with that smileeeee o fhis still on him.... in a way always made you feeeeeeeel live that moment of howwww happy he was to have you !!!!!

soooooooooooooooooooooo yaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh smthings you write and recall !!!!!!!!!!!!!

shouldnt have gone there !!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh in that chase living him in a zillion different ways wth mindthat beauuuuuuutifully high on him already and when the perfume guy says its Si and you say a yes a yes always has been with C......

one smell and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of him like it had that sexy moody deep scent to it and that feeeeel of his smell moments to just live his closeness its that thing bout fragrances charlie like your most loved rose 212 is smthing you relive those initial few moments with him everytime you wera that fragrance.....

this one Si classic felt smelled like those moments with him laced with His smell..... that deep moody specially that versova moments with him.... cause that was when you lived him the mostest and closest.....

that closeness of his for those hours smelling sniffing him away and him chuckling away everytime he noticed you sniffing him and calling you his sniffer dog....

this one fragrance that one smell was all n more of those versions of Him lived.....

that side of Him that side of you lived with Him.....

were there to help her for the fragrance and come back with that beauuuuuutiful version of Him....

Si...

HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 one can either be gorgeous handsome adorable or sexy !!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa but HIM !!!!!!!!!!!! 

that one face in the world for you just that one and wooooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bolkeeeeee you are transformed !!!!!!!

everything in you around you changes lights up it all looks just that much more beautiful like suddenly the world around you just came alive !!!!!!!!

even in these uncertain times like these just like that your day the world around you the you inside you just came alive after the longest time ever !!!!!!!!

how why what you still donnooooooooooooo WHAT it is but just the way it is !!!!!!!

HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

just HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seeing him after months like not literally seeing him but even in the picture to just live him charlie your ultimate HAPPINESS even be it in the picture.....

cause yesterday was smthing else that missing that chasing somebody random at the mall was smthing else thinking its him !!!!!!

then today when you see HIM ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this you transformed i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smthings you just donnnoooooooooooooooooo ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa gorgeous beauuuuuuuutiful handsome adoooooooooooooooooooooooooorable like bassssss uthaaaaaaaake khaaaaaaa jaaaaaaaaaaanaaaaaaaaaaaaa wala gorgeous i say !!!!!!!!!

this you today this you now feels this different ekdum seee you wont believe charlie how the day just went by this rushhhhhhh to get the missing out to just get this madness missing out !!!!!!!!!!

in words...!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa howliii bana gayaaaaaaa uneee pooori ki poooori !!!!!!!

kaiseeeeeeeeeeee like how just like that ever since the start that very first time how that one face did become your life LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the world around godzilliaann amount of people and jus that one face that you were looking chasing searching through the mall yetserday and todaaaaaaaaaaaay you get to see him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one him i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just that one him for you !!!!!!!!!!!!! 

howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee howleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU sexyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy beauuuuuuuuuutiful lil big adooooooooooooooooooorable thing how only You were missed i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

how onlyyyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!

howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

H souns of music!!!!!!!!

 no matter what you doooo where you are no matter what it is you are just one plugin away frm your ultimate stat eof peace n calm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just one plugin awaaaay from it alll and al and evrything him!!!!!!!!!

just one plugin awaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!

this one that one sec when you plugin his music that one state of mind that one state of all you that it transofmrs you awaaaaaaaaaaay in a sec snap of a finger is smthing that nothing in the worl i say can beat!!!!!!!!!!

except for HIM ofc!!!!!!!!!!!

but its that one suukkkkoooooooooooon chalieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its lik you feeeeeeeeeeeel him through you like ruhing through you!!!!!!!!!!!!

that just that oe plugin.....

his music any sound that makes you feeeeel live him n the waaaay it ust transofrms you awaaaaaaaaaaaaay is smthing else!!!!!!!!!

like this you now right now that you are feeeeeeeeeling is smhing else more like His you that you used to be with him1//////////

off lat breezer getttin too waaay tooo sweeet and this one video of some blogger your manager recomends for the linen syle bit though but she talks bout gin n tonic n how its perfetc for thosee who dont relly enjoy the rest lot of alcoholl......

and tanekraaaaaayyyyyyyyyy it ws!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa whateeeeeeeeeeee beutyyyyy it lans you in.............

this tstaeeeeeeeeeee of happppppppppy him highhhhhhhhhhhh it landsss you in eveetyyyime!!

its wher you feeeeel that sabeeee vibe of still in ur sensees an tht off ground waliieeee feeeeeeeeel !!!!!!!!!!!

n thisss feeeeeeeeeeel with his musicccniladri nitee it had to be.....

cos of all thoseeeeeee dreaaaaaaams his zooooooooooooomed in waleeeee closeuppppppppppp dreams ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that feeeeeeeeeeeel you wake up smtimes no wit.....

jab uskoooo toch nai kar paari pakad niii paaari thoooooooo kaikuuuuuuuuuuuuuu aiseeeeeeeeeeee kaiseeeeeeeeeee waiseeeeeeeee waiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sapneeee dikaaare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aisaaaaaaa waisaaaaaaa uskuuuuuuuuu dkeeeeeeeeee karkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee fir uthkeeeeeeeee kaiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee contolllllll mein rehnaaaaaaaaa hota bolooooo chalieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

jab nai karnaaaaaaaa fir aiseeeeeeee waiseeeeeeeeeeeeeee sapneeeeeeeeeeee kaikuuuuuuuu !!!!!!!!!!!

lik u actuallllly wakeup talkin to him still in wakin stateeee  tum zaraaaaaaa seedhaa saaaaaaadaaa sa aaao aisaa waisaaaaaaaaaaaaa nakooo aaao zaraaaaa!!!!!!!!!

its that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel chalieeeeeeeeeeeee woooooooooosh bolkeeeeeeeeeee mind poooora ultaaaaaaaaaaaaa awaaaaaaaakened full mode pe i say!!!!!!!!!!

then to work aromdn with a staright face naiiiiiiiiii horaaa merse!!!!!!!!!!!!

to moments n nitees lik these..........

this beuuuuuuty of a mind that you are in ight now with alllllllll him rushin through u.........

his niladri from that nite.....

despiet of alll that feeeeeeeeeeel of smthin off with him that nite at his place.....

there were some moments mosttttt beutiful ones tht u lived that nite.............

first time highhhh!!!!!!!!!!

when he brings over biryani for u..... and sits on the bed that close to u and you couldnt touch him cos he asked u not to back in his room...... it was that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel chalieeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

the first timeeeee high wali feeeeeel then the waaaaaaaaaaaaay your mind wasfeeeeeeeelin all those first time feeeeeeeels being wit him at that hour at his place first time..... like he ws that closeeeeeeeee wit that mind rushing alllllllll him.......

and he asks you not to come close cos chachi had said smthing bout maintaining fistance n all.....

and just sits there wit his sister sleepin his niladri playing softly n him feeding you birani.....

as you just look at him live him the waaaay he says you look sooo high kya kya horaaa and u tell him smthing bout how the wall looked zoomed in n out kinda thing.... and him that happpy just listening to you talk bout your trop n asks  you more... but by then with his presence that close to you all you culd seeeee feeeeeeeeee liveeeeee was him.............. ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beutyyyyyyyyy of himmmmmmmm his skinnnn his poutyyyy chummiiiiii waleeeeee lisp...... his foreheaddd his handsss ad as you try to take the spon from him he insists on him geeding you instead..... and his hand used to come  to your mouth you would just feel his hand with your chin cos you werent to touch him as he ask u not to and u make up for it by those lil touches.... living evry detial of his that beutiiiiiiiiiiifulllllllllly highhhhhhhhh that highhhhhhhhhhhh sooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooooo ghigh on him......

his eyesss his blinks his smileeeeeeeee his straight face when that moment he could feeeeeeel you wanting to hold him touch him..... and the waaaaaaaaay he just stayed looking at you miss him that waaaaaay............. lik you oucld just seeeeeeense it he knew could feeeeel how much you were missing him... it ws that beuuuutiful weird elplesss feeeeeeeeelin chalieeeeeeeeee........ like he knew wht he was going to do next n yet lloved u wnted to love u........

u feeeeeeeelin wanting to feeeeeeel him touch him hold him it ws thoe frst time feeeeels tht u coundt help but feeeeeeeel depsite of it alll feeeling tht weird like smthings going wrong n yet coudnte help but feeeeel........... cos u had never felt tht wyaaa befreee......

even in his rooom when u sit over his bed and his sisteeer insists on comin to her room soon.... n wlks out n you try to get to hold him once.... he asks  you not to touch him..... n go to her room.... pata niii kyaaa kyuuuuuuuu just wnteeeeeeeed to hold him once chalieeeeeeeee...........

it ws that rush that firs timeee eveeer feeeeeel to just live all him.......

n when he asks u not ot to get off fataaak n try to wlk to her room but u cudnt walk like feeeet offff the groun wliii feeeeeeeelin uskeeeeeee chaaapal peheen ke goomri thiii chaaapaal pe per he ni jaaraa thaa.... and the waaaaaaaaay he trie sto hold u like liting you n this time u ask him not to touch u....cos in that momnt if he didd u kneeeeeeeeeeeeee u wudnnnt stay off him away frm him...... 

eveeen writeing now this beuuuuutifullly streeenge u exxcctly knowwwwwwwwwwww hw u felt in tht moment........... the sec when he triees to hold u lift you up in his arms to dop in his sister room.... as u cuddnt walk that high..... n u move awaaaay ask him not to.......

that sec if he didddd u knwwwwwww u wudnttt be ableto stay awaaay frm him...

that oneeeeeeeee feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelinnn to just liiivin those moment as he feeeds u birnai..... mayb then toooo he knewww wht u felt for him n that waaay it ws his bahanaa to stay longeeer close to u.... in a waaaay lettin u live him.... it ws that beuuuuuuuuuuutifullly weird cos all u wnted to ws just feeeeeel him n knowin u cudnnnt u weree just liivng his detils hands that restlees mind tht beuuuuuuutifullly high on all his details.... to the moments when suddenly cud feeeeel u misssing him wnting to hold him tht one sudden xpreeesin staright face n sits a lil lcoser n yet not a touch singleee one......

to once done n just befoeee leving leves a chummmi on the fohead n thtaaaaaaaaaa momenttttttttttt aisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa dillllllllll huaaaaaaaaaaa chalieeeeeeeeee bassss pakaaaaaad lenaaaaaaaaaaaa uskuuuuuuuuu ek baaaaaaaaaaaar bas pakaaaaaaaaad loooo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to let go of allllllllllllll that misssssin tht nite.............. 

to just holddddddddd him awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

som momenestssssss n this feeeeeeeeeeeelin now againnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is what his music dos to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Psychhhh!!

 firstlyyyyy!!!!!

 that moment today when  you find his tee in one of his paces only !!!!!!!!

psychhhhhhhhh!!!!!

short for psyyyychedeliccccc!!!!!!!!!!!! 

that feeeeeeel that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel alllllllllllllllll feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels i say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cause that was what youd seen in him last when you met him decades back!!!!!!!1

his that saaaaaaaaame gym wali psyyyychedelic teeee !!!!!!!!!

decades later you find a short for that as psychhhhhh in one of his places only !!!!!!!!

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel chalieeeeeeeeeeee i sayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!

gooooooseeeeeebupssssss yahaaaaa wahaaaaaaa kahaaaaaaaaaa kahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i say!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then when a nite like this happpnsssss as you strrrrrrrrrroglle to write out with this beuuuuuuuuuuuuutifulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll hahhaaaaaaaappppppppppppy highhhh thnkkks to the ginnn ginnnnn after decadesssssss that close to sameeeeee happppppppy highhhh that his psy beeedi used to give......

tonit eof all nites being dunkk u struggleee the most to wrteeeeee but when a niteee this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel happpens u gotaaaaa gotaaaaaaaa outaaaaaaaaa wirteeee i say !!!!!!!!

ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa thtaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa beuuuuuuuuutyyyyyyyyyyy of a gorgeouuuuuuuuuuuuuuus man i say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kiteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yaaaaaaaaad aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaree kituuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa suchaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa cuteeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy sesssssssssssssieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee kituuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu i syaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this momnt psyyyyyyyyyycheeeeeeeeeelidc i saaaaaaaaaaay this niteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee that beuuuuuuuty from that niteeee  psyyyyyyyyyyyyyycheeeedlic i say !!!!!!!!!!!

psyyyyyyyyfieeeeeee toh bantaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!