Where to even start from !!

having been this off for the firs time from writing this one weird thing bout how  to and where to even start from !!

sometimes dont you wish life to have that one single version or flow to it....

like either you experience something this beautifully strong and stays with you that way or you just dont even live it to know something like that does exist and you cant relive it again...

same goes with love and more so Him...

to now know love and more Him and also know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and with each day with every dream or moment lived through the day it only gets that much more difficult ot come to terms with....

its that thing charlie bout things unless and until you see em for real you tend to live in that cloud of your own like maybe its not happening for real just a maybeeeeeeee of a cloud that you would rather live under than face the actual reality for real....

cause you know the cloud rather feels more beautiful to live under than face the harsh reality...

something which you already know and yet hold onto that cloud......

smthings nai you can never really get like why show a love why live a him like Him and then suddenly take it all away and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its that feeeeeling like just bout few hours back walking around that one feeling that stays why having lived a Him like Him and then have that empty space right next to you still looking for him.....

its this beautfully weird and fcked up !!!!!!!!

absolutely fcked up !!!!!!!!!!!

that one sec right before waking up almost every day now that one sec of his presence that you mostly feel like he is right there that close to your face just as he used to back then right in the middle of a chummi him stopping for a bit and just looking at you the sec you open your eyes watch him looking at you with that one stare that one lil smile of his that close to your face and you wake up the waaaaaaaaaaay that one sec of a moment makes you feel leaves you with is something waaaaaay beyond words......

its the most beautiful and the worst possible feeling ever......

you wake up with that feeeeeeeeeeel of his presence his smell like always still there and with that thought again WHY !!

He was that missing piece of you why fit in when he had to leave.....

why still live moments feeeeeeel moments like these knowing he has moved on for his best !!!!!!!

when youve set your mind set yourself to be away from him this time for good.....

with that one hope one she better love him nd take care of him.....

cause lil would anybody know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its that thing charlie when youve known someone like realllllllllly known soemone that he sure must have felt finally that happy and complete for that girl having made it to  his insta to stay the least cause thats lil of what you could see him and that was the moment of knowing seeing him share his bachpan with someone again.....

it was that one sec of feeling knowing he has found someone you were strangely weirdly happy for him..... only after that moment passes by and you realize that was it your place in his life that wish hope of seeing him being with him loved by him lived by him that was it......

and that one gorgeous yellow picture of his didnt make it any easier to just seeee him with that fully grown daaaaadi of his looking his beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful best in yellow but that was the moment you did decide to take that final step back.....

to finally move away from his life.....

the thing that still dosnt make sense is when thats what is happening for real why do you still feel the things you do why do you still feel him in dreams n moments like he is there for real..... why still feel all this when you are still doing your best to ust be off n away in every possible way.....

not writing out was one of the biggest of things cause that strangely used to only make you miss him all the more wanting to see feel live touch smell him all the more.....

not sure how or what but like you write him out and the after of it only leaving you missing him more......

and you working your best locking up his stuff his clothes away in one bag and losing the key just so you dont go back to seeing them wearing any of it doing everything possible and yet !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this one logic this one thing that still dont make any sense......

when its not even real why does it still feel thsi real...