The sound...

this weird thing now the more you write.....

when your mind keeps going off n on like you are writing bout a certain smthing and woooosh bolke it drifts to smthing else....

this one realization or random tho ekdum see.... so many tthings have happened over the last few years and youve smhow kept a check if he was okay or not this being the first time ever when smthing this big has happened and  you cant ask check on him if he is okay n safe and hopefully back at his place for the time being.... but kabi infact iss baaar laga smthing this has happened being the first time ever and usku ek baaar bi nai laga hoga even as someone he once knew to say the least ki pooche is you were okay or not.....

soooooooooooooo yaaaa the moment......

all this while too many things n you couldnt somehow get the kind of time off to watch the shows youd been wanting to so acthing up n most where narcos you that badly wanted to but samaj nai ata screen ku dekhna ki neeche padna kya dialogue hai bolke its one of those looks good and cant help it kinda thing.... designated survivor ab ek president ko har din add up add up one thing or the other kind of plot you now lost track on to His monty wala did a few and now this show has you hooked......

just getting better the more you watch now and this evening too after many movies down this one show sort of right before sleeping to chill or to slip into a nap kinda show it is.....

and lazing over watching it and you dont realize when or how cause it deff was an odd hour for  the nap but you do slip into one....

and right before finding that comfy spot like still adjusting over the cushion and you could smell him that THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT close to you look a lil up still confused over the moment and the intro track plays as it moves to the next episode the bojack theme and you see him to that sound.... navy blue shirt full grown glorioussssssssss beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of his daaaaaadi loooove also writing writing this one thing again how luuuuuuuuuuucky this same feeeeeling again to just be abl eto live that beauuuuuuuuuty of his i swear luckiest pair of eyes or the luckiest one to be more precie.........


sooooooooo yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

navy blue shirt and the waaaaaaaaay he just looks you in the eye and nods that one lil nod of his and shows you over his lap and asks you waisa nai soti pehli sothi thii na and looks over his lap again.....

and that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeling of being drawn and HOWWWWWWWWWW you try to move yourself closer to him lil by lil literally pulling yourself closer to him just so you could lay your head over his lap and before you know you wake up still in process of reaching to that exact point where you saw him.....

THAT one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling always when you realize what the moment was to what your still state is in process of moving closer to him and suddenly wooooooosh gone.....

that one feeeeeeeeeel THAT one feeeeeeeeeeling i swear !!!!!!!!!

the only part where the reality connects with the dream/moment you just lived.....

you try to go closer and wooooooosh disappears.....

it was the exact same thing that he did said which he did years ago.....

one of those first meets after the bup and on the way to his place and he just looks at you looks at the distance between the two cause you and him both werent used to you sitting away that away from him..... it was the exact same weirdness that youd felt and to just watch him feel live the same feeeeeling - SOMETING else !!!!!

the waaaaaay he just looks at the distance and then looks over at his lap in a way asking you to do what you used to.... to a lil later when he finally says na chummi na ek hug nothing you did and whoo bhi sitting that far away from him.....

it was only in the chat later on when he mentions bout it..... how he was actually waiting hoping you would sleep over his lap like you used to back then......

today years after and this has happened many a times before too when youve lived the same or similar vibe of feeeling hsi presence before just secs before slipping into a nap or smthing.....

that one feeeeeeeeeling right after realizing you lived the exact same presence of his from back then and then t not find him there and you call your mom out asking her to sit there just soo you could lay your head over her lap and the sec you do and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling again......

cause hers was softer and his being hard..... lap wise..... this onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy exaaaaaaaaaaactly why writing was off all this while......

the very first time or first few times it was bout when you had just started to lay your head over his lap and you tell him its hard and the way he would control his bestest level to not laugh over what you just said and just in that controlling his laugh or smile tone voice of his would request literally request you to not say it that way.... and you being you with no sense of what he was asking pleading you not to say as did say it the same way...... that adoooooooooorably actually suggesting terms to be used karely use toned lap lean lap or anything but not feels hard kinda lines....

this thing bout writing him moments like these it strangely even in this weird state of mind it does leave a smile on as you write now.....

ab he wasnt just this or that after all to you !!

this one thing everytime you miss him like this recalling some moment out of no where how truly one someone needs to be lucky born lucky as for some wish to be fulfilled without even wishing for one...

My quarantine partner!

the partner now like for everything good bad or just those moments in the crowd too is his music.....

like its just there breathing flowing rushing through you !!

again a logic nobody else but you understand relate or connect with...

just does smthing be it his music or just a moment that comes with a background score sound of its own letting you live him for the moment.....

skipping the need to write away the morning today, but the second when your friend has this converstaion bout how she would ideally want to spend the day n all talking bout shows n random stuff all you could think of his psy beedi listening to him living his presence talking bout aything to everything that he wishes to and you just be with that beauuuuuuuuutiful state of mind and listen to him live him talk.....

theres that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty charlie that one ONE beauty to just live him talk bout smthing anything at all..... to just see him no wonder this one picture of his with his sister at some event where he is holding a mike and that one looooooooooooooooooooove for that one picture cause you missed hearing him just by seeing that one pic of his and the waaaaaaay it just stayed with you that moment that one presence and also maybe cause he looked that sexy in that one picture..... donnoooooo how or what like mostly its bout him looking that adoooooorable gorgeous beautiful and the likes but this one pic of his stayed with you in your mind like you shut your eyes and that one moment that one pic is all you can see......

not sure cause he looked that sexy in that full glory of his beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful daaadi or was it the moment more where you missed hearing him.....

sooooooooooooo yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa where to where only it went !!!!!!!!!!

in your mind as your friend talks bout it you could think of all the things you wouldve looooved to with him..... 

strange nai charlie this lil weird heart....

when you knowwwwwww the reality of it and you are struggling to keep off from it all you do end up letting your heart live for a bit in moments like these....

just cause in that moment it does make your heart wander to the place to the person it ever loved... MOST !!!!!!

smoking up his psy beedi living his presence wrestling away being dropped on bed of all the other things that you hold your mind off from these lil lilthings including living his presence..... its things like these that your mind plays on like suddenly you lose track of whats happening around or before you in that case as your friend still keeps talking and you cant hear a thing cause your mind is lost and away and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!

you know its waste you know it doesnt even make any sense anymore and YET !!!!!!!!!!

smthings you just cant help !!!!!!!!!

to the moment smtime back and that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel again it leaves you with !!!!!!!!!

no matter how and what the reality is this one thing closest to you like nothing no one is His music.... he doesnt like songs n stuff anymore and yet that one wait every single day or through the day to just find his msuic its that nai samaj ata kind of feel with it charlie.... like you also self wonder smtimes why bolke but just is smthing.....

also why thats one thing you couldnt change like you could lose the key to the bag of his stuff just so you dont go back to it.... but thi sone thing cause this now completes you in ways you could never possibly write out or express.....

just does smthing....

like today too after that moment it just made your heart smile.....

it wasnt even his song but that moment that one feel ever since watching thsi show that he def might like it too agains mthing you couldnt change.... evrytime you across food place or thing that you know he might like too you just cant help it !!!!!!!!!

to that moment when you feeeeeeeeel him it just made your heart smile....

your quarantine partner, His music... 

you have these moments of irony and then smthing just clicks just does smthing makes it better for the moment.........

selfie thoo banta he thaa !!!

Quarantine partner!

exactly whyyyyy all this while you were off writing !!!!!!!!

this is whyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!!

one smthing down and the waaaaay this one need to write smthing out like who bhii urgency wala kind like you just ought to need to that bad just let it out just cause howwwwww it made you feel !!!!!!!!

be it the start of the day or that one moment in the evening or just thee converstion.....

from the many fads didnt know smthing like this one too existed...

this video call with your friend random stuff and from conversaion to the other one and she mentions bout you knowing how bad the situation was in bombay and if at all you did ask him how he was and all.....

by your expression trying the ignore question and that state of mind ek dum see just hearing it out and she laughs it over and says anyway you were long back quarantined by him noo and chnages the topic saying this is why you must chose your partner wisely cause that one person is just not your partner for the good stuff and all but also in times like these moreover you need someone you can deal and get over with stuff like these too.... you know be your best company that you could possibly have around in times like these...

change the topic to smthing else but that one ting of topic stays with you......

To process !!

it was that sudden feeling of being lost on a road that known to you...

like you started off knowing every corner of the road every turn of the road and then reaching to a point where you know nothing at all..... where you are how did you even get there like suddenly that lost on a road most known to you !!

and when on one side there was this strange track running through your life the other side being finally getting the perfect place.....

with not being able to deal with the whole manas situation and your mom you were looking for another place also because there was nothing youc ould do really as far as the interiors was concerned just wasnt wroking.....

a lil ahead you see this board up for lease and you the sec you are there that was it.....

had to be cause it was a penthouse of an independent former ministers house all white.....

before even looking on the inside of the place that need to just be in that familiar corner of the terrace and that was it.....

you just knew you had to get that place for the studio.....

from getting the lil bit of interiors done to finally setting up that one feeeeeeeeeling now everytime you are there that love for penthouse.....

that one love for terrace you can never grow used to....

but it was only yesteday you had your moment at that place that felt that beauuutifully familiar....

a client with her fiance for her lehenga meet and the fiance being weird commenting over her sizes as the measurements were being taken by the manager and keeps joking bout smthing or the other bout her.....

and to think of it they were getting married the next month how could she even live with it, she keeps ignoring his comments as she turns the fiance come sby your side asking to take a closer look at the lehenga design that she was looking for over the sketch on your fone and holds your fone trying to zoom in on the sketch holding your hand fone ke saath and you just look up and that very sec all you could see was Him standing there right there beside you that you lose sense of the converstions around you or that fiance still talking smthing where suddely the sound becomes whispers that you couldnt make sense of the moment just Him standing there looking you in the eye and just that one smileeeeeee of his smiling at you just looking at you and you walk away out to the terrace and in this corner and just be with his music playing and looking up this flock of birds flying and this one bird with that different sway than the rest catches your attention.....

eveytime you see the sight of eagles specially with big massive wings spread out living their flight its that peace beauiful smthing that the sight fills  you up with....

cause all you see feel live in that moment is Him...

is how eagle did become your most fav bird now....

cause of his beautiful shoulders being spread out during security checks just llike the massive wings of eagle.....

that one sight to just watch eagles fly has become your most loved momen through the day.....

it just does smthing to you puts your mind at the most beautiful ease possible its like a trip almost the same kind that that beauty of his presence used to fill  you up with.....

that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful high of his presence to just live Him.......

mind that beautifully slow heart that fully happy and at most ease that same almost close vibe to just watchthe eagles fly.....

sway fly move across the sky.....

there are things you could never really process or make sense of and then there are moments like these that sort of are best left at the way they are....

why love a love like that one and then be left without it, why live someone like Him and then spend the rest of the years without.....

why know teh reality and then still feeeeeeeeel him the waaaaaaaaaaaays you do !!!!!!!!

why still worry bout him being okay through these times just knowing he has the people he wants to be with loving him being there for him.....

why still feeel this way when you know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking for your own peace now....

all of us knowingly and unknowingly mostly like in this some sort of quest and its only when you decide to stay is when you know that was the one you were really looking for...

him having found his reason to stay , you now begins yours....

it was always him charlie even this need to wriet out the mind was because you missed talking to him missed talking to your best friend when mad scared happy or just bad.....

there were these few lines on one of your most fav pages that you dont remember exactly of now....

but it was smthing bout how wished smtimes not having met someone at all that way you wuoldnt have to live by the day knowing they existed and yet didnt exist with or for  you.....

smthing like that and that exact same feeeeeeeling why having experienced it all having lived a Him with this now !!!!!!!!!!!

the dreams the moments that make you feel hsi presence that strongly that almst every time makes you wonder how could that possibly be to sometimes talking yourself out through that moemnt by reminding yourself !!!!!!!

time n again.....

ajeeb lagta charlie kabi maloom its like suddenly youve disappeared like you dont exist its all ajeeb to take it all in working doing best as you can to just live with it but nai hora ajeeb lagra and everytime you feel this ki nai hora takes you back to that question of his laying over lap holding you away under your apartment what if someday you dont have me in your life.......

didnt know what to answer back then donno today or how you would !!!!!!!

llife should def come with a manual like this is how you gotta work yourself out of some situation this is how you need to cope and live with things..... this is how you gotta love and just bout that much this is how you gotta be you know stuff like those just so you knowwwww before hand !!!

the to do and the not to do stuff !!

Where to even start from !!

having been this off for the firs time from writing this one weird thing bout how  to and where to even start from !!

sometimes dont you wish life to have that one single version or flow to it....

like either you experience something this beautifully strong and stays with you that way or you just dont even live it to know something like that does exist and you cant relive it again...

same goes with love and more so Him...

to now know love and more Him and also know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and with each day with every dream or moment lived through the day it only gets that much more difficult ot come to terms with....

its that thing charlie bout things unless and until you see em for real you tend to live in that cloud of your own like maybe its not happening for real just a maybeeeeeeee of a cloud that you would rather live under than face the actual reality for real....

cause you know the cloud rather feels more beautiful to live under than face the harsh reality...

something which you already know and yet hold onto that cloud......

smthings nai you can never really get like why show a love why live a him like Him and then suddenly take it all away and HOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its that feeeeeling like just bout few hours back walking around that one feeling that stays why having lived a Him like Him and then have that empty space right next to you still looking for him.....

its this beautfully weird and fcked up !!!!!!!!

absolutely fcked up !!!!!!!!!!!

that one sec right before waking up almost every day now that one sec of his presence that you mostly feel like he is right there that close to your face just as he used to back then right in the middle of a chummi him stopping for a bit and just looking at you the sec you open your eyes watch him looking at you with that one stare that one lil smile of his that close to your face and you wake up the waaaaaaaaaaay that one sec of a moment makes you feel leaves you with is something waaaaaay beyond words......

its the most beautiful and the worst possible feeling ever......

you wake up with that feeeeeeeeeeel of his presence his smell like always still there and with that thought again WHY !!

He was that missing piece of you why fit in when he had to leave.....

why still live moments feeeeeeel moments like these knowing he has moved on for his best !!!!!!!

when youve set your mind set yourself to be away from him this time for good.....

with that one hope one she better love him nd take care of him.....

cause lil would anybody know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its that thing charlie when youve known someone like realllllllllly known soemone that he sure must have felt finally that happy and complete for that girl having made it to  his insta to stay the least cause thats lil of what you could see him and that was the moment of knowing seeing him share his bachpan with someone again.....

it was that one sec of feeling knowing he has found someone you were strangely weirdly happy for him..... only after that moment passes by and you realize that was it your place in his life that wish hope of seeing him being with him loved by him lived by him that was it......

and that one gorgeous yellow picture of his didnt make it any easier to just seeee him with that fully grown daaaaadi of his looking his beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful best in yellow but that was the moment you did decide to take that final step back.....

to finally move away from his life.....

the thing that still dosnt make sense is when thats what is happening for real why do you still feel the things you do why do you still feel him in dreams n moments like he is there for real..... why still feel all this when you are still doing your best to ust be off n away in every possible way.....

not writing out was one of the biggest of things cause that strangely used to only make you miss him all the more wanting to see feel live touch smell him all the more.....

not sure how or what but like you write him out and the after of it only leaving you missing him more......

and you working your best locking up his stuff his clothes away in one bag and losing the key just so you dont go back to seeing them wearing any of it doing everything possible and yet !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this one logic this one thing that still dont make any sense......

when its not even real why does it still feel thsi real...

Been a while now !

been a whileeee now either be it writing your mind out here or for the last few hours or mins waiting for your mind to get a lil normal high just so you could write better..... and just write it out !!

this year def hasnt been easy rigth from the start of it all, sure wasnt...

and last few weeks been worst ever !!

how weird does it all feel when everything on the outside happening in your life just that fine and all that better but its on the inside that there is a different story altogether happening.....

like two different sides of one coin happening both at once if that even makes any sense.....

like you know two stories running side by side completely different from the other...

and you donno which one to make sense of more.....

just like that line between the dream side of your life to the actual one......

again that stark contrast from the other !!

been months now but it was like knowign why it was that important for you to write out and what and how it actually felt to not write at all !!

and then last few weeks having been the worst ever you jsut dint knowwwwww how to go bout your mind!!

somedays like you just have to need to hoping maybe after it may feel a lil better than what and how it was.....

weird nai how to just saying your mind out loud can make this big of a difference and not doing so felt just as weird !!