Magic of words...

sooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhh skipping it away !!!!!!!!!!!!!

to the magic of words of yesterday.....

its that thing charlie when you find happiness in completely random things that people miss out on but to you alone they mean teh world..... cause its just you that knows what and how much it means to you !!!!!!!!

like the sighting of cement trucks puts a smile on you and every now n then when your mom ctahes you flash that smile seeing the cement truck asking what makes you so happy seeing those trucks cause she did notice that that quite often.....

how and what do you even reply to those !!!!!!!!!

these lil secret moments of yours alone that you alone know what they mean to you !!!!!!!!!!

to these words.....

random again or for some quotations or oh so poetic but to you they are sort of taking you away from everything else and a bit more closer to him.....

esepcially after that dream yesterday again....

and this one beauty of words on one of the pages you most love....

saying take care of me, i love you...

the way it comforts you and at the same time discomforts you too......

like you were that close to addig him back after reading those words and that immediate self talk mode.....

knowing now he does have smeone to do that !!

get away and just be and stick with the words !!!!!!!!!

some moments like just connect smthing in you like you know strike that cord or string that heart string of yours tinggggggg boolkeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!

that moment was that for you !!!!!!!!

as much as all this smtimes does feel that much madness but its like your world of happiness.....

even be it in the tiniest of moments but that one moment of smthing they fill you up with is beyond words.....

smthing that you alone know and can feel of !!!!!!!!!!

its bout finding Him in those tiniest of moments from nowhere...!

Everything of Him...!

from that moment to many other moments that evening.....

to finally home and finding no internet to write down all of it !!!!!!!

like from watching kbr that whole stretch of that park and then finding this beautiful corner of the tree place in some corner of that stretch of kbr and to live him there as you just watch that place......

to that moment of the painting like you already were that full of him in different ways.....

like those beauuuutiful different versions of missing rushing through you....

and there was you that that badly wanted to write it out and there also was that most of you still struggling to learn the art of not writing him now.....

which is prolly the worst struggle than being okay with the block now.....

cause now it has a purpose...

sooooooooo yahhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!

from a day like that one to waking up with thsi beautifuly weird dream.....

some sound and you just look around and he comes walking towards you with his sister.... and tells you get your car keys instead ill driver your car..... and that khushiiiiiiiiiiiiii in that moment when he says that cause this also was one of your wishes ever since the purple panther happened.....

for him to drive your car that was all Him...

and the sec you give the keys from your bag and the very first question as he looks around the car asks you there is nothing of me in this.....

like he waslooking for smthing anything of him that was yours.....

some hint of him......

and you take his hand in yorus and make him walk at the back and show him the number plate and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay it just makes him smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa even reliving it now puts a smile on your face...........

ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa THAT one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty i say howwwwwwwwwwwww just howwwwwwwwwwwwww some people just like that get THAT lucky !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

soooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that one khushi on him and his sister saying over smthing and gets in the car.....

with her in the front beside him you sit right behind him.... your usual !!

and the sec you do that very same sec him looking at you through the rear view.... that one same exact same smileeeeeeeeeeeeee of his like he used to back then.....

takes his fone plays his music and starts off.....

almost out on the road not sure where it was and a lil ahead and his sister asks him to stop the car and get off.....

he stops and again looks at you through the rear view this time not smiling just that one hold in hsi stare like he actually was holdin you awaaaaaay just by looking at you.....

just by the way he was looking at you.....

gets off and you still sitting inside they just walk away....

like you dint know they were leaving or were bout to leave like it just didnt make any sense.....

as you get out to see where did he go look around no him nowhere and you take your fone to text him or smthing....

and that one rush of some truck or smthing from behind like that one loud woooooosh sound of the vehicle coming from behind shakes you and wakes you up......

the sec you wake up the first thing how are you gonna drive home not knowing how to..... and you look around still looking for him..... in that sleep hazy state of mind with your fone in hand on whatsapp.....

only when the visuals of your room start to make sense do you realize it was one weird dream.....

just be hear him after very long cause now you avoid reading his msgs cause you have to go through things you dont want to rather not read again....

so its beeen veryyyy long since you heard him and today you just be hear him and just be.....

make that moment make that confusion a lil better.....

and not sure when or how go back to sleep a lil more.....

smtimes smthings dont make sense but there is also that beauty of smhings that sort of makes it up for the rest.....

that moment of sharing your most treasured thing bout the reason of taking thsi car and to share it with him smthing that was all Him for you.... cause of his birth year.....

also being jst a month away again smthing that you not sure how you will even get over......

this time tho you cant even wish him through mail !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Canvas...

to from where it all started...

some days you can just feel it like theres something ahead...

like you just could feel it.....

took the day off to get some home stuff done that you were postponing for really long now.....

mom comes along and not even for a sec there is a mention of anything that you dreaded....

like she just starts the day off by saying that she has neevr wished for anythin for herself but this one wish for you and you just stop her right there saying you had no hopes or expectations of anything and its best she dosnt say anything that ws on her mind....

to that walk back to your room from there with that happy heart knowing sacrificng rice literally making that wish actually worked.....

actually charlie that one wish you wished for couldve have been smthing else like the only thing you wished loved lived for....but that thing bout not wanting what just you love its more bout wanting to be loved and not bout wanting to love....

like there is that vast difference in both.... that one beauuuuuuuuty of being loved and not just wanting to love...

soooooo yahhhhh the better one was wishing for to live a life that was more of Him and not bout nothing of him......

and it actually worked cause the way this time felt like you wouldnt be able to escape from it this time !!

soooooooo yahhhhhhhh out finally looking for stuff.....

and when you land at hometown that one feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling the se cyou are there.....

the place looks completely different now to what it was bac then.....

walking around and a lil ahead and you forget bout your mom and leave her smewhere and on your own up the volume of his music and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay his eyes shis smileesssss his stare walks with you......

back then at hometown with his sister and the waaaaaaay he keeps pulling you back and away from hissister just so he could hold you touch you or to just watch you.....

the way he would just suddenly start talking bout how some random show piece looked good and as you start seeing what he was showing you the waaay he ouwld just hold you awaaaay it was those initial most days initial most closeness......

and the waaaaay he would look for reasons to pull back and closer to him.....

smthingssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss youw riteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and this feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling nowwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you did decide you wont be writing these things bout him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

SMTHINGS I TELL YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sooooooooooooooooo yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh walking around and this paintings section by random artists....

the lot looked quite similar to the ones on display in ikea too.....

and this one particular painting with the view of the sea.....

and the sec you see it that one beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful feeeeeeeeeel of his versova place.....

standing right there at the fence the exact same view of the sea and that beauuuuuuuutiful wait inside rushing through you knowing any sec he'll be out to come to you....

as youd asked him to come out and meet you wit that weird feeeling of going on your own to see him....

and the sec over the fone you tell him to come out the way he just smileeeeeees away knowing your awkwardness.....

standing there with that beauuuuuuutiful rush of wait in you and that complete contrast of the sea the beautifully calm sea...... lines of the waves sound of the waves crashing by and you look around if there was some way to be out there at the beach and just have a walk with him once he is out.....

but the sec you hear his signature adoooooooooorable waaaasaaaaaap that one burst of smthing inside i say......

heaps and bounds of khushiii rushing knowing he was right there and yet that need to live that beauty of the sea now with him by your side...

and you again look around and that adooooooooorable tone of his kyaaa doondri..... and you ask him if there was some way out to go there and he instead insists on getting bac as it was afternoon..... and the sec you turn and look at him ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him him smiiiiiiling that smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee o fhis squinting his big adorable eyes away nose twitching his momoo nose awaaaaaay and howwwwwww !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

again in ishaaraa asking you to get home......

that same beautifuly familiar pull as he just looks at you and you get back looking at the sea again and he just stands there with you..... for a few mins or so.....

ab chalti that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful tone again knowing you just wanted to live that moment with him....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddd this need to stop right here.....

that one painting with his very same track playing then vital signs you just be there living that beuaty of him while watching that painting...

they say you must never have a art piece of the sea at home....

cause its like making the wild nature of smthing stagnant and the same way could have the same impact on your life too.... makign it stagnant.....

and so you just be living that beauty of him as you watch the painting for those few mins.....

how just howwwwwwwwwwww can some visual fill you up with smthing that youve lived for real....

like that beauuuuuuuuuuuutifully literally hold your hand and take you to your most loved place most loved moment..... and that strongly like you actually relive that very moment that very feel of his presence of his sound of the sound of the waves all of this and more just by simply standing there watching that painting to the sound of his music...

the missing that followed after that moment was beyond words...!

VISUALS are life!!!!!!!!!!

there are a zillion visuals that you may come across all through the day....

but there is that one corner that one glimpse of smthing that sort of holds all of you awaaaay like suddenly evrything around is moving soo fast and yet that beautiful stillness inside of you that only you alone know off can feel of......

that one glimpse of smthing even in a moment speeding by is like your world in a sec.... for that one sec !!

and your heart just couldnt help but wish... for that one sec with the biggest sigh possible !!

to be there with him...

right there sit there with him and live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him just right there !!!!!!!

out for home stuff shopping with mom and on your way back end of the day usual jam at jubilee hills and right outside the kbr there is this chicca or chicha named coffee or smthing place.....

it was late in the evening and there is this beauuuuuuuutiful tree all the more beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutifully lit with tiny small round things around the tree..... and tables under the tree to sit and have a meal or smthing.....

simple pretty simple or maybe an average place or moment....

but to you that one sec of glimpse of that place as the car mves through the jam and you keep bending over to get the most of that view with that beauuuuuuuuuty of him rushing through your mind.....

to just live that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him all of him under those lights knowing how beaaaaaaaaaaaaaautfiul gorgeous he looks under those dim street light kinda beautiful tone of lights.....

knowing the reality of it all and YET your heart just couldnt help but make non logical wish right there the sec you spot that place....

must have passed by that route a zillion times but never seen it thee before..... and yesterday when you do like that one sec or few secs as you keep looking at that place all you could feeeeeeeeel liveeeeeeee wish for was that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him under those very lights under that very tree.....

some moments sort of make your mind all of  you go blank to the reality of the situation... like you lose that sense of logic and all of it or all of you is taken over by that beauty of that very moment...

yesterday evening spotting that place was that for you....

you couldve asked the driver to take a u turn and get a closer look of that place by stopping like you were maybe jst a turn away from saying the same and that second thoguht whats the point in being there on your own cause that place that whole vibe of that place that you felt even from that far cause only because of the beuaty of living him there....

like to just be there dint even make any sense.....

like all you felt for that place was for him was for to live that beauuuuuuty of him in that place....

still amazes smtimes how a place could make you feel soo much !!!!!!!!!

like THAT much even passing by to just feeel him there live him there !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sundays dont feel the same anymore...

there are changes def ever since that chat !!

sundays have gone back to being sundays and dont feel the same anymore....

like now when its there there is that need to just be away whatsapp like to just be off it on that day it brings back that weird feeling like of all the days that day.....

kinda vibe !!

so has this way of living and loving him to just realize how it has sort of changed you with time.....

in ways more than one....

to think of it now what you were back then to what you are now.....

never for once did you ever think you would grow could grow this stronger in life...

kabhi lagta maloom charlie when life feels good today than what it was then in terms of financially being independent being stronger enough to sit with your mom and tell her what he actually means in your life.....

like everythings there and yet that nothing wali feeling.....

and back then you had nothing and yet everything, cause you had Him...

weird nai kabhi lagta wrong timing or what it was !!!!!!!!

or was it the most beautiful time of your life and wishing it was just timed differently !!

TO be proud of being in love....

its not smthing that you look down upon or smthing that you think is madness.....

cause thats smthing that keeps you the most sane...

its smthing that sort of binds you together.....

literally keeps you sane.... apart from t hose occassional moments of stumbling upon on some of his songs and then reliving tat beauty of his closeness that sort of awakens and then troubles all of you where you struggle to get that sanity back in you......

apart from those ocassional moments of heights of missing, this love keeps you sane and complete....

its smthing you are proud to be in love with.....

exactly why his presence distant presence sort of did humiliate you like you know make you feel worst bout yoruself wondering why you werent good enough young enough everyhting that he wanted enough for him to be with you.....

that no longer troubles or distorts your mind anymore....

like its this calm thats filled with pride for having found him in your life lived him loved him like just happy that it was him......

just happy that Him happened in your life...!

It never was bout making sense....

neighbour leaves she comes to your room asking you but what sense did it make when he has moved on and him telling you the same....

it was never was making sense or loving him trying to make sense of that love.....

it never was bout being loved back and then loving him....

it never was bout you deciding to continue  to love or when to discontinue and move on.....

the love in you the him that you breathe and live with is not never bout trying to make sense of.... there is still that sense of smthing complete even with the incompleteness charlie.....

its still where you can live him its that freedom to live him without havign to explain someone or get away from smting to live him.....

you can just be and live him.....

there is no one nothing holding you back from it its not smthing that you need to reach out like you had to this morning in teh dream.....

you dont have to struggle to reach out to your moments of living him you just can.... you dont have to share that space of feeling his presence with anybody else....

like you know if its a touch you feel a smell you smell or sniff you just know its him, will be him.....

if its a presence you sense you know for sure it just will be him.... even be it with eyes shut, you just knowwww !!