Mornings!!!!!!

 It’s just been one flashback kinda morning aaj tho!!!!!!

Even with no dream of his you just wake up with that some rush of his rushing through you……like changing side and getting on WhatsApp to live him ayyyyaaaaaaaa some visuals nai like he just jumped outta many of your dreams starughtvtk that pic of his……still living that feeeeeel of him half sleepy mind and this call from your model friend she had just woken up telling you how badly she wanted to speak to you first thing and asks bout meeting for lunch and that one feeeeeeel the sound of his voice soon as he wakes up and you hang up on her face…….cause you just got swaaaaaayed with the flashback of his morning sound of voice and how you looooooooooooved that lil husky babyyyyish tone of his voice in the mornings…like his mind still hazy with sleep but his voice wanting to speak to you kinda morning vibe of his…

And this model who recently parted with her husband loves talking to you random stuff cause you never bothered to ask her the what’s and the whys and most of her other friends being judgemental bout it suddenly and she has got close that ways……..so yeah there are times when she randomly calls and you disconnect with some reason cause you are just not a morning call person anymore like you are in that himzone in the mornings soon as you are up it’s almost like meditation and you don’t want to disrupt that state of mind and stay in that zone for a whoiiiiiile till you are ready to go on with the day ahead……

Like today you wake up with that thrill with that rush with something you got no clue bout like that one picture was like him coming out of all your black shirt dreams of his ekdum dhadaaaaaaam se like hero wali entry vibe I say!!

And you bas had to get in the workout after longest time and somehow posting bout workouts makes you stay consistent too somehoooowwwwwww!!!!!!!

So here goes the viiiiibe today rapdancing away to any to every song possible….

It’s this feel nai to suddenly feel that sense of coming alive like you can feel the burst of rush through every vein in you it’s not just a picture charlie not just a picture it’s the sync between the dream and reality kinda vibe to it!!!!!

And you just caaannnntttttttt help it!!!!!!

To this one post on one of your most loved pages cause you love the viiibe of that page and the last visual being of a plastic chair the exact same chair used to be in your balcony back then sitting sleeping on it and talking to him away till the morning hours….

Ayyya that one chair and a zillion memories of it!!!!!

It’s been SOME day already!!!!!!! Shows loudly on your face the rush inside of you…

Sing miyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa how only you are being missed away if

Moments!!!!

 What you shared with him is yours alone now…!

People wouldn’t understand even if you sit and explain it out with even if you did go by their rule book of living an ideal life it wouldn’t workout for you otherwise…

It’s not something you decided for yourself it’s not something you didn’t want to change or think of it’s just not you anymore….

Nai hota who nai hota it always come back to that one moment with any other guy cause that will happen and you just don’t see yourself standing there with some other face before you coming closer to you touching you living that space with somebody else freaks you out leave alone spending an entire life altogether……

There’s no switch charlie if one side turns off it’s not a sure thing that the other side too will…

Every person has the right to make a decision for their own life and self , he made his and you made yours…

As simple as that!!

because even after all these years of him having made it so clear even in his absence your eyes just don’t feel the need or the want to see another face leave alone anything else it’s as simple as a face……even if talking to some guy work related thing you always look yaha waha and never really look at someone…

Be it events friends gathering stuff kabhi andar se he hua nai not even for a second or even after those rare few sips down never for once even…….

It’s always been that one search for his face in crowds in traffic in places just to live him…….

Your eyes always looking for him subconsciously like not intentionally some black vento some guy walking in a black shirt or a white shoe and your eyes are drawn towards that visual hoping it’s him just to see him…….

Something’s nai are just that beyond you…be it back then you weren’t prepared to stand there and stare at him walking towards you but you did or that moemnt before the mirror him sitting there tieing his shoelace away looks at you through the mirror and you taking your fone back from the instructor as it was on the table and you just stand there instead living him away……there was no movement nothing in you that wanted to move or look away…like evrythung else going blur and the time stood still for you in full filmy style…

That one face loving every detail as he talked chuckled walked around wanting to live every detail of his including realising how it was to love someone’s sound of voice too…the waaaaaay you would loooooove him saying certain words in his own way…the way his hands would move as he explained some scene out from his whistlingwood days it was all working on you one frame after the other…

It was like reconnecting with someone you always knew…!

It all sounds madness maybe now with the changes but to you it’s always been this way it’s not something you chose you selected it just happened to you…

He happened to you and prolly the BESTEST thing ever in your life for life I say…

So it’s not about you doing things and why you do cause you yourself have no idea bout this!!!!!!

Why it still feels the way it does…!

After all this time!!

Visuals!!!!!

 Like you come back from that moment and that very second your mom notices the change in you and you wonder if it was that evident like she literally says it must be nazar cause suddenly your face looks like it came alive after coming to the temple……

Inside this lil self talk mode lil do they know what just happened…….

Like these moments it’s sooooooo hard to keep calm contain all that excitement joy inside of you and Not let it reflect on your face……but am telling you charlie his face him your absolute most fav human on the face and everything of this planet I say…

It’s always been this way and ab tho it’s something that’s grown with you and like he said doesn’t understand something’s you do and why you do which you yourself couldn’t figure out even after all these years now…

It’s like that one chip in you that you are with can’t dismantle it or can’t remove that chip out I say!!

Like all your way back that one smiiiiiiile on I say keep living him over n over again it’s that sudden shift in you like from neutral to highest speed possible rush inside of you…

It’s been one ironically weird month being birthday month like always forgetting your own birthday again…

With that chat with him of two lines that weird lost feeling grateful still there that you can live him away to this next meet with vishruta did tell her before itself that you won’t be going to her place if she has her parents and stuff around as you didn’t want to get too personal and stuff……

And she mentions it’s just her and her daughter and you go see her as she was leaving the next day……the second you reach you see her grad mom there it was all good initially in her room talk and stuff and you were just bout to leave when her grand mom comes over sits next to you and you knew what’s next……

U almost get off to leave and she holds your hand saying so when are you getting married and stuff and you just nod trying to get off as she keeps pulling you to sit down and the next line she starts of saying see adhrushtam it is to find a guy marriage material not all guys are like that and you immediately stop her saying if somebody doesn’t have any idea about a person or situation it’s best they shouldn’t even comment about it and she still continues saying something and the second it goes to him you ask her to stop it right there not a word about him…..vishruta herself doesn’t know anything bout except for knowing it’s been him all these years and nothing else…

As you were getting out his mom and dad right there continuing the topic and laughing over it……like asking to take it as joke and stuff and you just couldn’t as vishruta comes along out with you you lose it with her saying if it was till you it still was ok cause till then you didn’t even know what the word adruahtam meant ……

It was only on your way back yiu google the meaning and you cry it out!!!!!!

Play fink on your way home and few rounds of walk around the apartment……

To seeing this gym visual in the apartment it takes you to the moment first time you stood up for him when this guy jokes or in a way insults him with something as he was working out with you and you take his side and say something back to the guy……

Be it the times with your mom for the same or that day at her place losing it with her family and finally deleting her……

Her dad asking you what the turnover was monthly with your work didn’t annoy you it was all still ok and till that level of ignoring shit cause that mindset wit work somehow you’ve developed……to inhale good shit and exhale bad shit away mostly ignoring it away……but when the topic switched to an appropriate guy in a way calling inappropriate thing you just couldn’t …

She never really was your friend friend initially when you started off your work the way she joked bout it amongst 2-3 other girls saying Shriya how will you sell these clothes going door to door and you ignore it away…

After that it’s only been birthday wishes with her struggling through husband and in-law issues staying abroad…..from your side it never really was bout attachment or friend friend thing…

To meet her this time too was because she felt it was with your work you’ve changed and don’t have time for her so naam ke liye decide to meet her and this is what it lands with…

Back then with some fight over something with your mom the way he tries to calm you down and tell you things have stayed with you forever now..

Parents you must respect and love karely but not blindly follow everything they have to say cause it’s you first and foremost that must know the right from the wrong and what’s best for you……also you are a poor judge of character which you need to improve on and understand!! U trust easily karely am glad it was me but you need to change that…..

Cause back then them talking bout that guy to marry and stuff and you were like can’t go against her cause mom has always been the dad figure in your life handling everything on her own…….and he overhears your conversation with her bout him in your life and taking his side instead of agreeing to her…..

After that you’ve felt that many a times you think someone is nice friend wise and it ends up with asking for free outfits like eventually something or the other always…..

Even that evening on your way home the sound of his words that clear whispering away in your ears…..

It’s been overall weird or ironic few weeks trying as much possible to focus on work and on yourself but still there was that weird state of mind…..you couldn’t hide or get away from!!!!!

Ur remote!!

 He absolutely was right when he did mention bout how he has your remote controls in his hand!!!!!

Like from what to wbat!!!!!

It wasn’t just the way he spoke to you rvenwtky like it was like ittaaa English tho he never spoke to you in even as friends the way it felt that blunt like one slap almost waking you upto the reality kinda moment it was…..

Then the vishruta thing happened like it was a mix of too many things one after the other and it did land you in that lost state of mind…it’s when you don’t feel a thing and just want to be on your own and mostly you’ve been off work studio wise just working on edits at your own pace…..and this one fever whenever you miss him like this be his Bangalore trip Bombay trip or his some days his absence sort of hits you more and it’s a missing to another level and that’s when the fever pops…….

To having to go to the temple first day of the year as yesterday it was too crowded and when there done with prayer and stuff and you were there with another friend of yours mom too……doing pradakshina and this one sitar sound and that one strong pullllllll fataaaaak se and you get on to see him for a bit and there he was in a charcoal black shirt ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one fataaaaaaaaaak feeeeeeeeeeel him in black shirt eyes that adoooooorably sleeeepy like he def missed out on sleep the night before and yet that one asooooooooorable esss of him like he has that particular kid look on him his lip style his shirt style him in black like insides of you screaming away in that moment to fiiiiiiinally see him from that upclose ayyyaaaaaaaaaa that one feeeeeel in that moment or now like now now as you relive him from that picture!!!!!!

He is the HEART of your life for life I say!!!!!!

Like in that moment you forget bout people around temple around go to a corner and living him away with that feeeeel me too me too cause you were wearing a black suit too!!!!!

Some moments nai pure complete madness like that instant rush of something you are filled with and suddenly come alive in the fullest of forms I say!!

First day of the year!!!!!

 First day of the year and this level of sudden burst of khushi you are suddenly filled with!!!!!

Some moments nai are just beyond you like you forget everything else but just that moennt that very moment galti se fall asleep on the couch to turning side now music still playing and that need to see him for a bit still almost asleep and you realise ayyyaa you didn't write scream out bout this one...

Cause it absooooooolutefaaaaaaakingly made your heart sooo SOOOOO happy I say!!!!!!

Heart of life!!!!!

 He is the heart HEART of your life I sayyyyy!!!!!!!!

When that one face just that THAT one face becomes your ultiiiiiiiimate favourite face of LIFE I saaaaayyyyyy!!!!!!!!

Ayyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa kuuuutiiieeeeeeeeeee kiitttttuuuuuu krishnamooorthyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

When he comes like this in black who bhi after all the colors and when you are luteeerrrraaaaaally twinning away with him in black from distance!!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaaaa this face that face this you right now can’t stoppppppp this smiiiiile on your face right now like you just cantttttttt standing away from everyone and living that beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuty of him away in that picture!!!!!!!!

This face this one face heaaaaaaart and everything of your life I swear!!!!!!!!!!!  

Visuals!!!!

 It’s almost magic like how some visuals just sort of pull you out of the present and take you back to one of your many most fav memories with him…

Post new years dinner with mom this one lane very chowpatty Bombay style near Inorbit with food trucks ice cream bandis you stop by at for some ice team……

This one car on the opposite side where the girl gets down guy out she brings her own plate of something and they both have it on the car…..

Chai galli back then evening street lights on him getting down as you get down he insists on you sitting inside the car him at the dosa bandi under the orange street light……and that was one of your most fav visuals of him him standing there under those lights looking all the more beautiful as he turns around looks at you knowing your eyes must be glued onto him like you could sense that surity in the way he turns around with a smile on him sets his hair away smiles at you and gets on with the order…….it’s these moments where in your heart you feeeels the happiest luckiest person alive on the planet to always looking up feeling grateful away just for HIM…….

As he walks towards the car he chuckles away nods away watching you live him away like that and comes into your side of the car and you ask him what it was bout him still chuckling away nodding away and leans over looks yaha waha chummis you away and says this it’s you……since the beginning in this galli you always look at me this way and I love it like it just looks at me this way…..

Sits closer to your leg asking you to play some music still with that smile on……it’s the way he would remember lilst detail bout you lilst moment lived with you like exactly know how you woood react to a certain thing or gesture of his…….like literally know you inside out!!

And it had always been that way how you looooooooved living him away doing random most things in that same galli starting starting him taking you there for chai in the winter evenings orange street lights and how you loooooved the way he would walk up there turn around look at you ask in ishaara big cup or small cup or want some food along kinda thing……and you just nod away to everything then point on himself and you fataaak se nod away with excitement!!!!!

There was something that beautiful magic like almost the way he would glow different under those orange lights the way he would walk upto you with that one smile on still always nodding knowing your loooooooove to live him away…..it’s like you didn’t wanna miss out on a single visual of him maybe for nights like these…

His hands his arms his face his cheek his chin his beautiful sky like forehead his shoulder his feet his walk his smile his that one nod that one adooooooorable sound of his voice screaming mad at you and that was also your most loved tone of his voice to his fone chummis sometimes the first thing soon as you say a hello he would start of wit his shower of kissies for almost a min and that’s when you know he for sure is coming to see you tonight like on some days you could sense that missing more than the regular day…

Where to where only it went………

It was a quiet new years mom not understanding why the fever and it’s been over 10 days prolly now it’s just this state of lostness to today finally having the new years dinner and this need to be in a place that feels like Bombay and then to find a visual that gets you closest to him - BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!

Be it the dream this morning with his kissies telling you something to a moemnt like this one to a memory writing like right now the way it come back to the same moment his kissies…….!

Miss him miss all of him and also more so now him with the halo too!!!!!!

The way this one thing happens with the dream this morning his song koi aane wala hai was the background music to the complete dream of his from this morning…!

Something’s nai beyond logic I say!!!!!!!!!