Calendared!!

 Some dates on the calendar even years after still feel the same…

31st july 2015

With that same question same feeeeel lil did you know nai!!!!!!!!

Dates n days!!

 Some days on the calendar……

It’s guru Purnima today back then it was on the 31st, subodh feeling completely but something’s are just beyond you!!!!!!

Meeting him at his Dd space where everything felt it was all coming back all his love for you the viiiibe of the meet right from the moment of him wearing his psychedelic tee from gym days like you still remember him opening the door with that one smiiiiile on him and you couldn’t quite guess back then but like it was meant for you to find something notice something bout him and you don’t realise it then only after the meet do you realise he was wearing the tee from the gym days with you…….and still doesn’t say a word like that smiiiiiile was like kids hiding some very excited news to share but still hides it away…..

To the boxes of Jim jam biscuits banana chips to just the waaaaaaaaaaaaay he was that day to living another of first moments!!!!!!!!

Some days it’s like living on a rewind mode year after year and yet you just can’t help it!!

Pooja at home and yet the mind can’t focus this ironically and yet beautifully himzoned away and HOW!!!!!!

That one visual of him smiliiiiiiing that way holding the door for you and looking you in the eye with chest as wide as possible just sooooooooooooo you notice it…!

Lil did you know back then post meet heading home or even walking down the stairs that day lil LIL DID YOU KNOWthis long for this long it will be the wait!!!!!!!!!!

From dancing away to falling on the ground to falling all the more in love with him evenyears after now as you recall and relive it all away…

SOMETHINGS!!!!!!!!!

Ayyyaaaaaaaa kittttuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu what only!!!!!!!!!

Sound of his music…

 That beauuuuuty of him!!!!!

His music always been the savior and he madr sure bout that!!!!!

Even before leaving he saves all his music on your phone back then and it had this track by entiqu with a rare version as there are two versions of the same track and he saves the rare version and you find the same track years later like this was one track on loop after he asks you to listen to that one specifically…….

Like he made sure to have a playlist for missing him just before bangalore……

Lilst things charlie make you love someone BIG!!!!!!

Him every lil thing anything to everything bout him LOVE LOOOOOOVE LOOOOOOOOOVE i say!!!!!!!!

Sing miyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa how only you were missed today too if onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy IF ONLY!!!!!!!!

The Sound…!

There was this beauuuuuuuuuuty of his voice too like apart from every lil detail bout him you loooooooved the sound of his voice too and HOW!!!!!!!!!!

Be it him whispering mush things away in your ear as he holds you or him screaming that adoooooooooorably at you or him sleep talking away seconds before passing out and stil making those sounds as he sleeps like in his mind him still talking to you wanting you to be still there on the call with him as he sleeps…….

The same sound last night with toooooo much missing not just yesterday but a LOT lately……..and as you turn or something and that sound of him saying something and you turn to the side and that scent of him THAT closeeeeeee to you and you move a lil more closer and the waaaaaaay you could feel his skin with hair over your face and ayyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one level of Khushi rushing through and you open your eyes to check and black shirt again it was like now you know by the color of his shirt the mood he must be in…….without moving look up at him and the waaaaaaaaaaaaay he was sleeeeepy highhhh and that look in his eyes and the waaaaaaaay he raises his eyebrow and smiles away ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one smile of his that one way of smiling with full grown daadi the waaaaaaaay he was looking that gorgeous GORGEOYS that feeeeeeeeeeeel inside of you just living that moment even as you write and relive now you try to move closer and the way he backs a lil nodding away and you try again and the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he holds you up and away in that rush like you could sense that rush in him the way he holds you away some moments MOMENTS!!!!!!!!!!  Keeps telling you something same thing over n over again as he lives the moments like in between the moments he comes closer to the ear touching n chumming it away every single time and saying the same thing over n over again!!!!!!!

Alarm goes off and as you turn without stopping the alarm you could again hear him say it again living the moemnt same way again and the waaaaaaaay it wakes you up……cause the feeeel of his arms still around you the sound of his voice still there that touch and sense of his kiss on your ear still there like it was that clear knowing you were almost up…….

It’s a hectic today and you wake up not prepared for a work day cause when he comes like this to be THAAAAAAAAAAT closest to him whrrr all you can feeeel all over on you is HIM the scent sense touch and feeeel of him stil there cause there was THAAAAAAAT much him and all of him for that long!!!!!!!

Skipping the workout just get in the himversions and the state of mind even after cause again the waaaaaaaaays you can feeeeeel him in your waking state as you move is MAGIC!!!!!!!!!

This one track of enrique is the Bangalore missing for you be it missing him differently having conversations in between his work breaks like never before his early morning walk calls downstairs post some meet-up for drinks his messages all day long it’s all this beauuuuuuuuutifullu clear and the waaaaay this song sums it all up from a new missing like that one first time feeeeels of missing in ways more than one to the one visual of finally seeing him in the lift looking his wild wild beauuuuuuuuuutiful best self fully grown daaaafi his khaki jacket his messy hair a lil high smile to just live him that very moment to see him after that long and every single time you mention after that long this one realisation now years after lil did you know nai LIL DID YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!

It was just weeks then and then after to see him there ayayyaaaaaaaaa that very second that one realisation your complete heart right there to realise that to feeeeeel that like it was falling in love with him all over again and that somehow has always been that way every time you see him again it’s like falling in love with him, all over again…!

Mornings like these this mind right now writing out something’s and the waaaaaaays it makes you feel after!!

Whiff of H…!

 Even the slightest sliiiiightest whiff of him and there you gooooooo off and away to anything to everything him!!!!!!

The waaaaaaaay it’s that one just that one slightest pull and this SOMETHING it fills you up with is beyooooooond logics I say!!!!!

Last night watching some movie it was while working on some different work style and color palette and also his music playing you pass out again on the floor itself……

And this one visual of this street that looked ditto as the one he had posted in his story 2-3 years back which also had Gulmohar on the road divider thing and also the waaaay it looked exactly similar to the pehle wala version of opera cause of the wild ferns around……

The same street exactly there and in his car backseat with his daadi like in your mind it was a play of two different places like daadis face blur again like only his face comes clear in the dream like main character and the rest of all faces till date goes all blurred out…..

And so in the moment you sitting there is the exact same vibe of sitting at that couch before tv with daadi as he walks towards the door and looking back at you with daadi and smiling away just before dropping you home….and daadi asks you to sit by her for a second and tells you take care of him love him a lot he is the most innocent and favourite of hers in the complete house and family for that matter……and she also says something else and you just looking at him him wondering what she was talking to you and just smiling away and then tells you he loves you a lot…..

It’s that feeeeeeeelung in that very moment reliving that moment witb her in his house to backseat in the car the way it felt like a reminder it was that strange like you recall that moemnt and there he was right outside the car asking you to come out and you try to show him daadi and there was nobody there but just you……

Usually you do get your own grandparents sometime in the dreams but it mostly always has that sense of fear and scare to the dream….but his daadi dreams always have that sense of too much love or atleast that sense of calm…

Like the second you realise it was you on your own in the backseat and look at him out there stil asking you to come out to him and you fataaak se open the door to run to him and hold him awaaaaaaaay………him in a gorgeous softessssst his skin like white shirt and khaki chaddis your ultimate fav thing on him that one feeeeeeeeeeeel of his daaaadi over your neck that feeeeeeeeeel of his arms his scent all around you that feeeeeeeeeel of a sigh finally like you feeeeel it inside you that ONE big sigh!!!!!!

And he tries to move you to look at you or something and you wake up with that shake that one feeeeeeeeeel that very second you wake up that feeeeeel of his arms his skin still on you like you wake up with that feeeeeel of his still hug there him still holding you as it was that closest to him…….

The waaaaaay the complete dream leaves you with that feeeel again what connection what sense you have no idea just that one feel and add him back what sense it still makes you don’t know……

To this mornjngs dream ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that one face for life I say!!!!!!!

Like you’ve been on this high since that very moment that one transition from the white shirt to the sexxxxxxxxxxxy black shirt and you know it’s the transition of his version too!!!!

Every single time he comes running with all these feeels making you realise live his love for you it’s the waaaaaay it laces all of you away with all things him…

Like you see yourself and it’s different like you can feeeeel it on you this clear you look different……

Like from THAT much him on the inside so much so it comes out reflecting on your face too!!!!!!

His Enrique you are loving lately be it at the Pilates class too to this morning with the himversions this viiiiibe mind happppy skin happppppppuest cause of the waaaaaaaaaays you feeeeel him……also why you skipped this witb Pilates instead it’s this yearning this was leaving you with like wanting more of him every time post session at home…..

Like all day the waaaaaaaays the mind turns swirls away kn the inside with just him on mind like it was getting that difficult to think straight and then with the absence it was all the more beautifully worse…..

Today to get back in this and still feeeeeeeeeeeel him away like this and to the sound of this one track that has the cutest memory but the vibe now feeeeels different…..

Cause again it was that insync with your waking up this morning with your mom standing there asking you if you were fine cause you made some sound and she came running to check on you……

Rush to the washroom and se your face red!!!!!!

SOMETHINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And today as you were taking a picture to the sound of the same track see u cry it goes on video and you take it anyway…….

It’s this mind ever since that dream the waaaaaaaaaaaay he looks feeeeeeeels moves soft dances away in that shirt that feeeeeeeeel of him in that black shirt and how baaaaaaaaaaaaaad you wake up with THE STRONGEST missing ever to touch him for real feeeeeeel him for real in that same shirt is MADNESS!!!!!!!!

Even writing now reliving that moment from the dream goosebumped all over I say!!!!!!!

Gorgeous madness!!!!

 When you are hughhhhh like this and him trippin on his music and this state of mind right now when his music puts your mind in this state this one big wish yet another big wish your heart makes to live his face to the sound of this artist like from uppppppppest closessssst possible where you could even count the number of times he blinks or that slightest shift in his stare or movement of his lips even ever so slightly like from thaaaaat uppppppppest closest possible to the sound of this music in this very state of mind………

Wishes I tell you his music I sweaaaaaaaar this mind it puts you in and suddenly you never loved gin the way you did right now lights out legs up in the air doing their thing arms wide open eyes almost shut till you feeeeeel this urge to right out this very feeeel very wish right now!!!!!!

Where it’s this TBISSSSSSSS much feeeeeel of him rushing through every vein in you this music this state of mind and his details is all you can think feeeeeeel right now!!!!!!!

Ayyaaaaaaaaaaaaa THAT only one face in the world and how onlyyyyyyyy you’ve loved it awaaaaay forever now!!!!!!!!

Magic of sound…

 When you’ve been missing him away maaaaadly inasaneeeeeeeely and awkwardlyyyy no matter where you are what you are doing sometimes in a public place standing and zoning out in one corner constantly staring away and him trippin away with this weird feeeeeel inside your gut like every single time you delete him off WhatsApp and this time after that dream there was lottttt of weirdness feeling away inside……with your place where you stand and how he really didn’t want you there and yet you were…….

Like on some days it justtttt hits you harder than ever all these years and you just felt weird being there post the dream of Bianca!!!!!

And after very VERY long it was a gin night tonight drinking after lot of weeks and it hits you first few sips itself and this beauuuuuutyof his music the magic it always does just like it did all these years for his absence…

This one song bout kingdom by his alt  artist and it’s not even mush but the waaaaaay the one sound rings something in you awaaaaay that sound of voice and this strong missing now this sudden rushhhhhhh hugeeee wave of missing that sort of takes you off and surrounds away all of you like this it’s this cave of him missing you are in suddenly this feeeeeeel the sound of his voice that echoes through you now with this one sound…….

Like all you can hear right now is his voice saying different specific words he used to in situations and his voice still this clear even years after this sudden realisation now……like you just heard him yesterday for real not in his ringo video or song video…..like for really real kinda heard his voice speaking to you..!

Something’s nai when you do your best not to write out this mood lately and this one sound does it for you right now!!!!!!

How only what onlyyyyy!!!!!!!

The most MOST beauuuuuutoful sound of planet I say his voice screaming singing talking humming or even sleep talking or sleeping and the soundsssss he used to make!!!!!!!!!

Your complete pooooooooora ka pooooooora entire heart I say!!!!!!!!!!

HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All and every bit of him!!!!!!!!!!!!

Morning hiccup!!

 For the first time wver a dream like this one!!!! Good for him weird for you!!!!

Like you dont remember cause you didnt want to really live the dream no wonder you dont even remember all of it very clearly!!

It had something like getting married to gf named Bianca and like you were at some cafe or something and how you know this you dont know its all that blurry but the weird feeling it wakes you up with ever since you are up now……

It was a late late night with work and his music playing and some weird teisted movie playing and you fall asleep to wake upto him witb some moment of his closeness…..but it’s the other dream that leaves your mind twisted and you literally wake up with consistent hiccups even writing now…..

Mind again feeeling ajeeb like suddenly all lost again!!!!!

Kabhi lagta to go off to some jungle for sometime and come out after a gap being more civilised and evolutionised!!! What only some dreams!!!!

Now its another task of gettinf out of this weirdness !!!!!

Word!!

 Some words morning morning strike that somethinginyou so hard like what timing kinds!!

The ditto mood you were in and the words fall in sync…!

No idea!!!!!

 When there’s that sudden need to refuel yourself it’s this yearning to feeeeeel his love feeeel him closest to you is when you are drawn to his places……

It’s that strong pulllllcharlie that you can just feeeeel it in you and that very need to be there again…..

Today when there it’s been raining drizzling beautiful n slow and the second you are there Habsiguda the galli the building the stair place the terrace corner above the galli street light beneath and to be still be able to live him in that very corner to that corner before your peeche ka gate he used to park the car and live a moment just before you head home sometimes when he had to rush back home to just living that stair place from below that wall on the floor……

It’s that feeeeel today that wish that one strong feeeeep to be able to live that moment again today it all just hit differently maybe it’s that realisation finally kicking in of what was and what is now……..that made you want to wish for jumping back into that very moment like how much could you possibly wish to go back and live him right there in that very spot holding you as he used to to just be able to live him live his details live him looking you in the eye right there in that corner hear him say I love you karely again or just hear him call you out karely pouting his lips away!!!!

It was roooo many moments of wanting to jump in to that moment or the other from back then like your mind literally reverse trippin walking hand in hand with him on those very streets to be able to relive him give you a flying chummi just before sitting back in his car late at nights……

To watch him on your terrace look his beauuuuuuuuutifully adoreaboe sleeeeeepy self and just come and hold you away!!!!!

Like it was that feeeeel even writing now all these years nai charlie there somehow was a some day in you maybe tomo next day next year and now this time today it was that longing to go back in time realising what is now finally maybe……..

It just hit different today……..

Like initially you were happy missing him in his corners but the more those visuals you were just reliving the memories with this sound the more hollow deep inside it all felt away……

Even writing now ajeeeb lagra charlie like his question that scared you back then when he asked it’s that echo today what would you someday if I’m not there in your life……..

Years after still don’t know charlie……..

To just be able to relive him relive his details relive his presence his voice his eyes his sound of voice his love for you sound of his chuckle sound of him calling you howli sound of him getting mad at you visual of him walking towards you visual of him just bout to talk to you visual of him opening the door for you and the first thing you see is him right there to LIVE HIM to be able to LOVE HIM again!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s all feeeeeeeling ajeeeeb kyaaa hora kyu aisa lagra no idea it’s just feeeeeeeling very ajeeeeb like it never did before…….

Places n visuals!!

 

Changes!!!!!

 That much to write and donno where to start from!!!!!!

First the himcoming ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa how much more can you possibly write on the beauty of some moemnts there’s no face ever that you’ve ever loved looooooooooooooved the waaaaaaaays you loved and missed this one!!!!!!  

There’s that sukoooon there’s that beauuuutiful rush that he brings along every single time he comes like this like it’s more of his missing lately like you can just that stronnnnngly feeeeel in the moves around and over you wanting you to be as close as possible pulling you closer the way he touches kisses details of you is like him living away every detail of your presence cause that’s how much he missed you agaaaaaain something’s you write!!!!!

Exactly why you’ve been putting off writing lately cause it sounds like your madness completely now with time…….

But this beauuuuuty of some moennts and the waaaaaaaay it can fill your heart n soul up is beyoooooond……..

The only presence you’ve ever lived and LOVED sing miyaaaaa!!!!!!!!

It’s that rush soon as you are up your heartbeat still beating high that rush inside that face red on the outside cause you wake up still in the moemnt witb him and that confusion of not being able to find on the pillow still you couldn’t make sense of……..

And that pull like always to live him for longer feeeeel his touch on your skin for longer and get in the workout!!!!!!

And that one feeeeeeeeeel every single time to be able to feeeeeeel him that STRONGLY in your waking state too along and with you !!!!!!!!

There have been changes some major some for the best of you…..changed 5-6 managers as it’s been too much work handling for you on your own and didn’t workout finally some talk with the sister and she steps in the reason you started this switched this initially was for to be able to handle the house on your own without some support from your then dad as you just couldn’t it’s that feeeeel charlie the one who had to look out the best for you turned your dream jnto nightmare not going there not going there!!!!!

Sooooo yahhhh and the name happened as as a kid your sisters dream it was to work something in designing as she used to stitch barbie clothes on her own and what had happened in her life she blamed you for it somehow was right from others point of view for elder sister to be married first and when she doesn’t there’s that big doubt that comes along with a hell of lot questions!!!!!

But somehow you couldn’t see the many questions doubts as it always came down to that one moment of living a moment leave alone a life with somebody as it would def come down to that eventually and you just couldn’t see yourself in that space sharing that space with somebody else…

Like the day you told your mom you would go ahead and get married with anybody if she really wants you to but it would only last a day or two and eventually will come down to what you are now……after that never did that question ever come from her!!!!!

The equation with your sister is nothing like what it was before she loved you she adored you nothing of that anymore and you don’t blame anybody for that, it’s just situations leading to things and stuff!!!!!

And when she decides to you leave it for her and just take care of the planning organizing and management things and final selection of campaigns witb shoot direction and styling!!!! 

It’s been a big step and frankly charlie these things never even mattered to you somehow so it didn’t make that big of a difference you have a Lott more time for yourself now joined Pilates planning to go for early morning walks at kbr but that’s still a lil away knowing you have to be up early for that and dummmmmmmm it is!!!!!!

Amidst a zillion more other things there’s this calm like no other it’s that feeeeeeeeeel charlie where all of you gets drawn without even consciously wanting or deciding to but it’s not in your control it’s like that inner sense of belonging no matter what or how you are on the outside that feeeeeeeeeel of every string of nerve in your system being pulled closer every single time to just that one presence that one sense of human that one sense of belonging that one sense of feeling like you are finally Home…

This morning high feeeeels different today toooo much deeep ho gaya!!!!!

His sleep face was your most MOST favvvvvvvv one this morning toooooo ayyyaaaaaaaaaaaa it’s when you most felt to eat his face awaaaaay every single time you used to see him that way!!!!!!! 

Sing miyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ayyyaaaaaaaaaaa poooora ka poooooora heart I say!!!!